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Derek Shepherd had not had a bad year. He had had a horrendous year. A dreadful, lachrymosic, demanding, unfathomable kind of year that caused panic attack after crying episode over and over and over again. If he listed off every single thing that had happened to himself to Derek-circa-very-early-2015, he probably would have laughed at himself. Slightly-younger-Derek would say that there was no way that he could have survived all of that, nevermind sit and smile after all it, but he was. Well, he kind of was; even though Meredith was the one overcome with hormones from giving birth to a baby, he was an emotional wreck too.
“Baby carrier. One set of clothes for you. One set of clothes for Mer. Toothbrushes. Giraffe blanket. Giraffe toy. That onesie with the guitars on it for going home.” Amelia listed off as she dumped a large duffel bag on the floor next to him before chucking the carrier down next to it. “Is that everything you said?"
"Think so."
"Great, because there is no way I’m driving home and back again.” She half-joked.
He smiled. "You know, I think you can finally go to bed.”
She sighed. “Well, thank god. At this point, I think I’m just gonna go to an on-call room.”
He nodded. Luckily, Bailey had offered to take her namesake and Zola. They didn’t often offer – normally it was Callie or Arizona – but Derek got the feeling that she was too busy feeling proud of him for Jason’s surgery to consider that she wasn’t properly prepared. Either way, he knew they’d be safe and happy with her and Ben. “I’m uh- I’m gonna go see Jason in a bit. He’s okay, right?”
“Fine. His girlfriend is with him now.”
His brows dropped. “Jason has a girlfriend?”
“Oh- this is an incredible story!” She exclaimed, her previously dull, half-asleep eyes lighting up. She loved romance novels; and this was basically a romance novel in real life. “He broke up with her just after the accident, but when I went to check on him, he was on the phone to her with this stupid, love-struck grin.”
“And she’s here now?”
“He told her that he wasn’t gonna die anymore and apparently, she, like, exploded with happiness. She turned up fifteen minutes later and started kissing him so much that I think he might need a surgery for like- anti-takotsubo syndrome."
“Never heard of that subtype of myopathy, if I’m honest.” He joked back.
“I think you’ve got it too with that baby of yours. But I’m literally about to collapse, so see you tomorrow-“ She said as she opened the door to leave. “Oh- and you’ve got to get some sleep too. Remember that.”
“Yeah-“ He agreed just before the door shut. Then, his eyes were straight back to his child. “Totally.”
Derek had been up for twenty-two hours, but he didn’t care; he was holding his adorable little girl. She did something to him. He didn’t know how or why, but his brain seemed to turn to mush at the sight of her, letting odd baby talk and emotion flood out of him.
“God, look at you-“ He sighed, rubbing his thumb against her tiny, tiny shoulder with the hand that wasn’t holding her steady on his lap. “You know, you are so, so beautiful. One of the top three babies I’ve ever seen. Just don’t ever ask me to order you lot, because it will be chaos. I mean- I can imagine it now. Well, Zola and Bailey now. But you- I have no idea who you’re gonna be. Like me? Like Mom? Like Zo? Like Bailey? Like…yourself? Who knows? All I can say is that you’re so freaking cute.”
The girl locked eyes on him, but he didn’t think she was really looking at him. Contrary to the belief of excited parents, babies didn’t really make purposeful eye contact for quite a while, considering their poor, indistinct eyesight.
“So you have a sister called Zola. Or Zozo, which is what we call her sometimes. Or just Zo. Anyway…she promised that she was gonna be the best big sister ever, so you’re covered there. But she’s also scarily smart so uh…no pressure there. Then you have a brother called Bailey. He’s so sweet. Picky with food, a habit that I hope you don’t pick up. They torture each other a lot, mostly in funny ways like when Bailey invades Zola’s miniature zoo with his plastic dinosaurs but…they’re gonna be great to you. Maybe.” He smiled at the idea of the trio together. He knew she couldn’t understand him, probably wasn’t listening and, even if she could do those things, remember what he was saying, but he didn’t care. “Then…then we have Auntie Amelia. You actually have four of these aunties from my side, but the others don’t live around here. Amy is great. And she already loves you. Then…Maggie. That’s your Mama’s sister. They’ll both be around a lot. Then…golly, I guess it me!”
He could have sworn she smiled at that. He was probably just a sleep-deprived, desperate dad, but he decided that it was a purposeful smile nevertheless.
“So I’m your dad, which means I have big responsibilities to make sure you grow up to be a strong, smart, funny, kind little one. See, I have a lot of pressure too. Daddy has had a very, very bad year, which means you’ve got to be extra nice to me, okay? But it’s okay because your mama…God, wait until you meet your mommy. She is…” He paused. There were no words to describe her. “She is the best. Ever. Best Mom. Best wife. Best surgeon. Best friend. She is just…she is absolutely perfect. Putting you in this world was very tiring so she’s asleep right now but you- just wait until you meet her. I wish I could meet her again. Relive the experience of…breathing in an angel- a goddess, even. That’s right, I get to kiss a goddess every single day. Sometimes, lots of times a day if I’m good. She’ll keep the both of us in check, okay? Very bossy, she is.”
“You make it sound like a bad thing-“
Derek looked up at the voice to see his wife stood in the doorway, but didn’t get a chance to speak before she continued. Instead, he just sat there and felt an embarrassed red spread across his cheeks.
“-but look, you’ve been without me for a couple hours and you’ve forgotten that sleep exists. You’d be dead within the day without me.”
“How long have you been standing there?” He asked, a little scared of the answer.
“Didn’t know you thought I was a goddess.” She muttered as she shut the door behind her before walking into the room. “Or the best person in existence either.”
“Why? Who did you think I thought was the better than you?”
She faltered. “Right, yeah. That is a really good point.”
He smirked as he sat up, one hand moving the blanket off of his lap while the other held his child close to his chest.
Meredith watched with a sliver of worry. She could tell that he had been there for a while instead of in bed from his heavy slouch and the way he had relaxed in his chair.
He pulled himself towards the cot and placed his daughter back inside, one elbow cracking from how long he had had his arm poised and positioned for the little girl's body. He had definitely compromised his own comfort for her; it wasn't the only thing that hurt.
He had only just settled her and fixed the way he was sitting when he found his wife closer to him than she was before. An awful lot closer. Luckily, she sat on him in a way that meant he could still see his child, one arm over his shoulder and behind his head while the other handed palm-flat on his chest. “Oh my god-“
“What?”
“You’re so light!” He exclaimed, smirking at the fear that he knew he had shoved through her veins in the single second of silence. It may have hurt less than before, but she still deserved some punishment for the ache he would get from her on him.
“Oh, does that mean I get to do this more often then?”
He sighed, and wrapped a hand around her. His upper legs were just about long enough for her to sit on him, but he always felt the need to grab on, just incase she slipped. But neither of them would ever complain about that. It was just extra touch and extra love. “I don’t think I was kidding when I said I hated you.”
She smirked, and kissed him. “Well, I’m offended, seeing as I love you to the moon and back-“
“-infinity plus three-hundred and twenty-eight times.” He breathed, her lips so, so, so painfully close to his.
“Mmm mmm. See, you’re learning.” She murmured before rewarding his answer with yet another kiss. “Operant conditioning is coming for you.”
“Well, I’m perfectly happy with being brainwashed if it means I get more kisses from my wi-“ He couldn’t finish that sentence; she had just started said brainwashing again.
“So, I’ve been thinking about names.” Meredith murmured, her fingers running through his hair over and over. She still hadn’t moved, and the tiny amount of feeling that Derek did have in his legs had been totally eliminated by her body weight.
“Mmm mmm. Me too.”
“Any good ones?”
“Middle name, at least. Maybe first. But I think…I think middle.”
“Okay?” She agreed, pushing him a little with the tone of her voice as she awaited his answer.
Derek swallowed. He loved the name, but he knew calling out this suggestion every day for rest of his life would hurt, considering how hard it was for him to even get the name out once. “Alexandra.”
Her hand paused and she took a second to breathe. “Yeah…yeah, I- she would have liked that.”
He smiled, and kissed her. It wasn’t a kiss of thanks; he had chosen that name for his wife, but she just looked like she needed some love in that moment, reminiscing on her sister. “So what names have you been thinking about?”
She sighed. “I don’t even know. Names are…names are huge. I mean, what if we name her the wrong thing and she hates it and then she has to change her name when she’s like- ten and then we have to change everything because everything she owns has the wrong name and then she’ll be mad at us for choosing such a stupid name and then we-“
“Woah! Okay, okay- Slow down Mer, slow down.” He interrupted with a grin that was so broad that he almost chucked. “She’s fine. She’s not going to hate us unless we name her something really, really stupid and we aren’t going to do that.”
“You laughing at my panic?”
“Maybe...maybe not.”
She smirked, then looked back to her baby. There was a long moment of silence, the pair just holding onto each other before Meredith asked, “How is it possible that it feels like I found out I was pregnant yesterday, yet your accident feels like it was fifty years ago? They were three days apart, but they feel three hundred years apart.”
"I...I have no idea. Time is odd. I mean, I know I found out a while after but..." He sighed. "I just remember- I was in the middle of figuring out how my life was supposed to work in a chair with two kids and then you came in and told me that, surprise, I was soon gonna have three kids and a chair.”
“Yeah. I remember that. Don't think I could ever forget it. But, Derek, you were wrong about that. You are a great dad to Zo and Bails, and you were so scared that you were going to fail them. I see hundreds of parents at the park and school and work and not many of them are as attentive and loving as you. So many people don't have hard lives, and they still suck at parenting. You do have a...complicated life, and you're absolutely incredible. This little girl is so lucky to have you as a dad.”
She felt his head nod against her chest. She was right, in some ways, but she wasn’t lucky to have him as a dad; she was really, really, really damn lucky that she had any kind of Dad at all. One that was breathing and conscious and could speak and think and hear and see, even if he couldn’t walk.
“Derek-“ Meredith murmured as his hands squeezed her torso tighter.
He didn’t let her go.
“Derek- thanks for the hug but this kinda hurts- Derek- can you let go now?”
He still didn’t let her go. At that point, it was like they were on the top of a cliff and his hands were the only things that would stop her from plummeting to the ground.
“Derek, seriously, you-“ She paused when his shoulders jerked and he sniffled.
Oh.
Oh.
“Hey, hey, hey- what’s wrong?” She inquired immediately after the realization, no longer giving a single care about his hands, which still hadn’t slackened. “Derek, talk to me.”
“I'm sorry." He muttered."
“Don’t apologize. You don’t have anything to apologize for- please, just- what’s wrong?” She begged.
She hadn’t seen him cry from emotion since…well, she didn’t really know when. If she discounted his slightly watery eyes at the sight of his child, she supposed it would have been when he told her that he wasn’t going to walk again but, even then, he wasn’t sobbing; he was silently dropping tears because she was the one sobbing and he couldn’t bear to see her so upset.
He pulled his head up, and she tried her best not let her face fall too far as a tear slipped down his cheek.
“I- I’m sorry. Today is a good today. Today- I’m supposed to be happy.” He apologized again. She could tell how hard he was trying not to sob from the tone of his voice and the slight hiccups in his breath.
She faltered at that, because he was right. It was a good day. He was supposed to be happy. But he was crying. She raised her free hand to his cheek, and rubbed the tear away with her thumb. “It’s okay. And it’s four in the morning now so, technically, it’s a different day.”
He smiled at that, despite his still-fallen brows. That wasn’t quite what he meant when he said he was supposed to be happy because one day was going well.
“There’s that smile of yours.” She responded, her hand now just brushing against his cheek for affection. “My handsome McDreamy smile.”
“I didn’t-“ He swallowed a thick lump in his throat, and he finally felt his lungs fill with real air again. He didn't know why he was doing this. All he wanted to do was hug his wife affectionately, then he found his hands refusing to let go, then tightening until he was crushing her torso. He just couldn't let her go. He didn't ever want to. “I didn’t mean to cry. I’m sorry. It kind of just…it just happened.”
“It’s okay, Derek. Promise. Just…tell me what’s wrong.”
“It’s stupid.” He dismissed, wiping his nose with his sleeve.
“It’s not stupid. Whatever it is, it’s not stupid.”
He opened his mouth to speak but…he couldn’t. He couldn’t even move his tongue to try to form a word.
“It’s about the baby?” Meredith guessed, very quickly realizing that he couldn’t get a word out. But that was fine. If he couldn’t speak, she’d do it for him.
He nodded, lips now pressed together to form a straight line. His sunken brow still hadn’t shifted.
“It’s because…she’s a representation of what you almost lost.” She said after a long pause to try to figure out what she was trying to say. She was trying to sound like her therapist; and she was pretty sure she had succeeded.
He swallowed. “I was so close to that line- Mer...I mean, I was on the line and I- I was so close to-" dying. He was so, so close to losing his heartbeat many times after the accident. In fact, he did. It was just never for longer than two or three minutes.
“I know, I know. But you’re not on the line now. You're safe. And we're okay."
He smiled for just a moment at her reassurance. “It’s just…god, Mer, the thought of you having to do all of that by yourself and-“
“Yeah.” She interrupted. “You don’t have to tell me. On top of- of-“
“-dealing with the fact that you would be alone...you- you’d be a widow.” He finished when she trailed off. "And...Zola and Bailey- they wouldn't have a dad and- her- she wouldn't even know me."
“Hey!” She exclaimed, her lip trembling a little and her vision clouded. “Thanks a lot, now you’re making me cry too!”
“But you just squeezed a baby out; you have an excuse to be snotty and crying-“ He started.
“-and cute?” She recommended hopefully.
“Very, very, very cute.” He agreed. He was smiling now, but she could still sense his despondence.
“Do you remember what I said?” She asked softly. She hated seeing him so upset, and she really hoped this would shove a real smile on his face.
“You’ve said a lot of things in the ten years I’ve known you, as much I love you, I don’t think I can remember them all."
"Recently, I told you that you getting hit by a truck made us better people. And it might not feel like it all the time but-“
“You don’t think life would have been that much better if nothing happened?” He summarized, cutting her off.
“I think we would have kept arguing about DC. I think... Derek, no offence but-“
“What?” He pushed instantly, when she paused, processing her next words.
“-before the accident, you were a right asshole.”
“Oh, well thanks a lot!” He replied, pretending to be offended. He wasn’t really; looking back, he agreed.
Her chest vibrated with a giggle. “But it’s fine. Because I love you now. Which also means that you, mister, are going to go to an on-call room and sleep for a long, long time because you are not dying of exhaustion, you hear me?”
He sighed. “Yes dear.”
Derek didn’t like leaving her.
He knew that before he even left her. He could just imagine the pain that would well inside of him when he left, and he was right. He worried about her when he left to go to the toilet across the hall; and he was only gone for five minutes.
Then, he had led, staring at the ceiling for a good hour before he collapsed into unconsciousness, rather than fell into the land of dreams. They felt the similar, but there was a difference.
He sighed when he looked at his phone and calculated how long he had dozed. Three hours. Three hours without his little girl. So, he slid out of bed in a matter of seconds, and returned to the room. He was sure that the other shoe was going to drop somewhen. That she’d show some kind of sign that she wasn’t the perfectly healthy baby she presented herself as. But, apparently, there was no other shoe. There was nothing wrong with her. At all.
When he opened the door, Arizona was talking to Meredith. Dr Robbins being there wasn’t particularly alarming, seeing as she had been checking on her every couple of hours. But she looked…serious.
“What’s wrong? Her vitals-“ He started as he pushed himself into the room, pausing besides her crib. His eyes jumped to her heart monitor. They were all perfectly within range for a baby.
“Her vitals are great, hence, why I’m here to have this conversation with you.”
“What conversation?” Meredith asked, trying not to be too eager. She had just pointed out how well the girl was doing so Meredith was sure she knew what the woman was about to say.
“You can take her home. I’m discharging her now.” Arizona announced, a grin spreading her face.
“We can?” She asked back, a little too awe struck.
Arizona barely had a chance to nod before he was engulfed in a hug by Meredith. She wasn’t even sure she knew her to be a particularly hug-ful person.
Derek didn’t move. He didn’t smile. He didn’t grin. He didn’t give a laugh caused by so much happiness he couldn’t express it with a mere upturn of his lips. He didn’t do anything at all but look back to his child, eyebrows falling low. “Are you- are you sure? Like- a hundred percent sure?”
“I’m sure. She’s needed no medical intervention since she got here. She has no symptoms of any problem and all of the standard tests were normal. She’s fine.” She confirmed, only just being released by the mother’s embrace.
“But…but she could have some other symptom turn up later. Some things only turn up after 24 hours. Or after 48.”
He suddenly found a hand resting against his shoulder reassuringly. “Derek-“
“I’m serious. We have no way of knowing whether she’s really okay.”
Meredith sat back down on the seat besides the cot that she was sat on before, feeling a little defeated. It wasn’t his fault that he felt that way. He worried. He worried an awful lot sometimes, and she had a horrible feeling that he was going to do a lot more worrying about her in the coming weeks and months. She just half-wished he had stuffed it in so he wouldn’t have to ruin her happiness. “She will be, okay? She will be.”
He sighed. “Okay. She. Will. Be. Fine.”
Their daughter, still unnamed, was in her father’s onesie. Well, not his; the one he chose when they went shopping together a couple months after the accident. Her mother had brought one with cats and dogs on it, one with zoo animals on it, and one with patterns down it while he had bought a unicorn one (to satisfy his sister), one with many tiny guitars, and a fancy button-up shirt with tiny dinosaurs on it, simply because she had rejected his idea of dinosaur shoes. She was wearing one of his, simply because he was the one that sent Amelia to the house to collect their stuff so they could stay overnight. He still couldn’t drive, and Meredith was far too tired to drive home and back again, and remember everything she was supposed to.
Meredith wasn’t surprised when the elevator door opened on the second floor up, she had watched her husband press the button when they entered and noted it as a peculiar, but she was surprised when his hands moved from his lap to the rims of his wheels, and he pushed himself out of the elevator.
“Hey- where are you going?” She called out as he pushed himself away from her without a word.
He turned around to face her. “What?”
“We’re not on the ground floor.”
He looked at her, confused. He wasn’t an idiot, even if he was extremely sleep-deprived. “I know.”
“Where are we going then?” She asked as she stepped out before she accidently separated herself from her husband, picking up the bag she had dumped on the floor. He was so lucky; he couldn’t really carry the duffel, so he had no choice (something he was so very, very sorry about, apparently) but to strap their beautiful baby to his chest and hold her tight while she had to lug around the heavy bag.
He smirked. “Where do you think?”
“Knock, knock.” Derek said as he pushed himself into the room with a grin. He noted both the patient, and the woman beside him.
“Derek-“ He started before his face lit up, although he didn’t have the strength to lift his head off of the pillow. Amelia had told him that Meredith was still in labour and that Derek was with her, but that was all he had heard. Amelia had to tell him really, seeing as Derek had fled from his surgery to see said baby. “Oh my god, is that her?”
“Nope.” He shrugged, making sure his shoulders only bobbed a tiny bit so he didn’t jog her. “Stole another baby and we’re just going home with her.”
Jason’s previously happy face morphed to a smirk. “My mistake. Recovering from brain surgery kinda messes with my head.” He muttered with a roll of his eyes before he winced.
Derek made his way closer, pausing beside the bed with a worried look. “And how is said recovery going?”
"ICP is good. Heart rate and pulse ox have been stable since he got here. On a suitable amount of analgesics so he's managing the pain well bu-"
"Mia." He interrupted, smirking at her. "I was asking the patient."
"Oh...right. Yeah. Sorry."
His eyebrows creased as he looked at the intern. "Have you slept?"
"Well, I might have- uh- kindofmayberewatchedtheentiresurgeryinsteadofsleeping." She confessed. Derek and Meredith only just about managed to comprehend what she said, Jason had no chance.
"What?" He sighed. She was unbelievable. Unbelievably talented and dedicated to becoming a better surgeon...but still unbelievable.
"Well, it was a really, really good surgery and I don't know how in the world you did that, but I want to do that too (by the way Jason, you had such a cool tumour) so I stole the recording and rewatched it- all of it and I-" She tried, as if that would justify her.
"You're one of those people who go loopy when they don't sleep for a night, aren't you?" Meredith concluded with sympathy in her tone. She was about to be one of those people with their new-born.
"No. I just...uh- spent the whole of last-last night reading about astrocytomas because you said I could be in the OR with you. So...no sleep in like fifty hours. So, yes, loopy but not after one."
"Mia. Go home. Or to an on-call room." He pleaded, wondering how the intern was still standing.
"But Dr Shep- Shepherdess told me to monitor Mr Wa-"
"And I presume she didn't realize that you'd been awake for so long when she gave you the task. I know it's cool, but please, before you collapse and have to get your own monitoring-"
She sighed, and put down his chart before exiting the room with her hands clamping her forehead. Really, she was glad. She felt like she could collapse at any moment.
"You know, she does all of that, and then she asks me if neuro is the right specialty for her." Derek said with a sigh once she disappeared, pushing himself to his bedside.
"She's nice." Jason observed through a drowsy mutter. "Little weird, but nice."
"She is less weird when she's not sleep deprived. But now we've got to talk about you, Jason. How are you feeling?"
He sighed. He was enjoying a break from listening to something that wasn't about his tumour. "Am I supposed to feel like I’m dying?”
“Basically-“ Derek tapped his scar. “I would know.”
He groaned instead of smirked. “I don’t want to be super high on painkillers, but…ow.”
“Mmm. Same here, again.” Derek hummed in agreement as he took his chart and skimmed through it. He did notice that all the lights were off and the curtains were drawn, but he only just realized how dark it was when he tried to read. “You having light and sound sensitivity?”
“That’s normal, right?”
“Any stimuli like that is going to make your headache worse, so yes.”
He sighed, head dropping back into the pillow completely. Everything hurt, so, so much. But, of course, that was all nothing when he considered the fact that he was going to live more than a few mere months. "Know how long I'm gonna be here?"
"Another few days at least. There were no complications, we monitor everyone like this."
"Re-start training on the seventeenth." He confessed after a couple of moments, feeling his heart beat a little faster at the fact he was saying it out loud. He had kept it a secret from him, and everyone else. "Be better by then, right?"
"Yeah. But, training?" Derek repeated, intrigued.
"Mmm. I applied before I knew about the tumour, but after the accident. Stopped for chemo but they said as long I catch up and pass this test in January, I can stay on the same year."
"What are you training to be?" Meredith asked, sure that Derek didn't know what he was studying either.
He swallowed. "I'm going to be a paramedic."
Derek couldn't help the fact that his jaw dropped. "You...really?"
He smiled weakly. It wasn't a disgusted 'really?', it was a shocked one. That was the best he could really hope for. "Mmm mmm. I did well in school but was unmotivated by graduation and trucking...trucking was just so easy. Then I kind of memorized like five whole medical textbooks after-" His eyes dropped from Derek's face to his chair for just a second. "-I always wanted to do something with my life. Now, I'm doing it."
"Jason, that's-" He beamed, lost for words. "-that's really, really great."
"I just...I felt like I should have been doing something. But I couldn't." He explained. He knew the pair would know what he was referring to. "I just had to stand there and wait for someone who did know what to do and-"
"It was one of the most helpless and scary moments of your life. And you really wished you knew what to do to fix it?" Derek suggested.
Jason gave him a look that asked him how in the world he knew exactly how he felt. He wasn't planning to say those very words, but it was alarmingly accurate.
"It was one of my most helpless moments too. I knew what to do, but I couldn't move. I couldn't fix myself. And I knew you were there, but not doing anything. Couldn't tell you what to do either. I just...I just had to sit there and it...it was scary."
He nodded slowly. He wasn't quite sure what to say to that. "I- I really can't imagine it."
"Well, look on the bright side. Next time you crash into someone and almost kill them, as long as you wait two or three years so you actually have time to learn the content, you'll know exactly what to do."
Jason laughed for a second, then raised his hand to his head, wincing again. Laughing hurt. And it wasn’t a gentle aching hum, it was a full-on seismic wave, vibrating his whole skull. “Pretend I’m still going.” He murmured through heavily creased eyes.
“You laughed.” Derek replied pointedly. Neither Meredith nor Derek had physically laughed, but they both smiled at the joke.
His eyes cracked open, but his hand remained. “Am I not allowed to laugh after surgery? I didn’t-“
“No, no, I just…you laughed at something to do with the accident.”
“Oh-“ He breathed before gulping. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have- drugs- morphine-"
“It’s a good thing Jason.” He reassured him, cutting him off. “I’m glad you did.”
“It’s a…breakthrough.” He muttered back. At first, he couldn’t handle anything to do with Derek or the accident. He could hardly remember the week after. Just sneaking into the intensive care unit, somehow getting himself home and collapsing on the sofa. That was it. Then he remembered crying. A lot of crying. He was fired for missing a week of shipments, but he was planning to quit anyway. Then he booked therapy. A lot of therapy. It took him weeks to reach just one breakthrough. He wasn’t there for something small; he had practically killed a man. In fact, for a long time, he was pretty sure that what he had done to Derek was worse than death. He had since convinced him of the opposite; damage, even severe, permanent damage, would always be better than nothingness.
"Mmm mmm. And now, you can laugh about your tumour."
"Ha. I almost died or went blind, mute and hemiplegic. Ha." He said, voice flat. "So funny."
Derek smirked. "It takes a while to poke fun at yourself. Took me a very, very long time. But then, once you start, you can't stop."
"He's not kidding." Meredith sighed. "He doesn't ever stop making these stupid jokes. They aren't funny and I never laugh, but that doesn't mean he stops. Ever."
"Well, I'm sure Rox is going to be absolutely thrilled when I start doing that."
"Your girlfriend?" Meredith guessed with a raised eyebrow.
"Nope."
"No?" Derek echoed.
He shook his head as he reached for something on the over-the-bed table. Before that moment, neither of them had noticed it, but as soon as their eyes settled on it, they knew exactly what it was.
"Seriously?" Meredith exclaimed, eyes almost falling out of their sockets from how wide they went.
"She. Freaking. Proposed." He said, beaming at the ring box.
"No more dying, proposal and a new exciting career? Jeez, I think I should hit someone in my car."
"Well, if you tried to drive, I think you would." Jason replied with a convincing wasn't-that-such-a-good-joke? look on his face.
Derek smiled. "Good point." He agreed before looking down at his daughter as she squirmed a little. He smiled, and kissed her on the head. "Hey, cutie. Good morning. For the sixth time this morning."
"More like sixtieth." Meredith sighed. She was constantly drifting in and out of sleep, but never long enough for her to sleep with the baby, as she knew she was supposed to be doing.
“Can I…” Jason started before biting his tongue.
“What?” Derek pushed when he trailed off.
“Nevermind.”
“No, no, what did you want?” He questioned. He did far too much of that kind of dismissal when he was recovering and he didn’t want to see him do it too if he really needed something.
“Can I…can I hold her?”
Derek’s eyes flickered between his baby and the man in bed. “I uh-“ He glanced at Meredith for a long, purposeful second. She didn’t look overly pleased by the idea, but she didn’t object. “-okay.”
Jason watched with wide eyes as Derek carefully removed his baby from the carrier, then carefully passed her over to the man in the bed. Everything had to be very, very careful. Meredith sat on the bed (on the same side of her husband) and couldn’t help but offer her hands during the transfer, as well as for a couple seconds after, scared that he would drop her. Even when they left, he could see that they were still read to jump within a picosecond to her daughter.
“Oh- she’s such a little cutie-“ He said, beaming at the little girl. “Who's a cutie? You’re a cutie! Mmm mmm, yes you are-“ He paused when he looked up to see the couple suppressing a laugh. “Sorry. It’s a…thing. I know it’s weird.”
“No, no, I’m laughing at Derek, not you. He has horrendous baby-talk syndrome too. Just nice to see someone as loony as him.” She elaborated, ruffling her husband’s hair. Partly to reference him. Partly because it was funny.
He frowned as he pulled his fingers through his hair like a thick-pronged hairbrush.
The trio didn't talk for a while, too busy admiring the baby in his arms. Meredith also took a moment to acknowledge the fact that their baby was wearing the clothes he had picked out. Really, she should have just been glad that he hadn't brought a fluffy dress-up animal onesie or something along that outrageous line.
"Jason?" Meredith named abruptly.
He looked up. "Mmm?"
"Want kids?"
"I think we'll wait a few years, make sure we work before adding a child. But yeah. Can name him Derek if you want. After the best man I know." He said earnestly before looking back to said man's baby.
Derek smirked, despite the fact that it wasn't a joke, and he knew it. No man, really, could be better than the one who had saved his life and allowed him to even dream of being a paramedic with a wife and child.
“What would you name her?”
Jason’s looked up. "What?”
“If she was yours, what would you call her?”
He sighed before looking back to the girl in his arms again. Names were always a talent of his, for some reason. Remembering them. Guessing them. “I would call her…Elizabeth.”
Derek smiled. “I like it, but my sister is, technically, called Elizabeth, and she would explode if I named our child after her.”
He grinned. "Right. Maybe not then."
“I like it too.” Meredith sighed. “Time for google-“
“What?” Jason asked, eyes flickering between her, the baby and Derek. “What are you searching?”
“Names similar to Elizabeth.” Meredith clarified with a shrug, looking at her screen as she scrolled, looking for a good website.
“Woah, woah- that was a suggestion. I’m not naming your baby Meredith!”
“I like it Jason, it would be good…if it wasn’t my sister’s name.” Derek agreed, smiling at his daughter.
“Me too. She looks like a- uh- something like that. A-“ She paused as she finally found a suitable list. “-Lisa or a Bethany or an Isabella or a Betty or an Elsa or an Elsie or an Ellie or-“
“Stop-“ Derek interrupted.
“What?”
“Ellie…Elle. I like it. It…it’s pretty. Almost as pretty as her.” He elaborated.
Meredith smiled, and put her phone down to ask for her daughter. Her brow dropped, deep in thought before she whispered, “Is.”
“Is?” Jason repeated, confused, as he carefully passed her to Meredith.
“Elle…is.” She clarified as she smiled at her child.
There was a long moment of silence before Derek managed to get a word out. Ellis? She really wanted to call her Ellis? “Really Mer? Are you sure?” Derek asked, a hand settling on her thigh and rubbing it slowly. That was the last name he was expecting her to say. Maybe Lexie. Or Katie. Or…someone who had shaped their lives. But not her mom. Anyone but her mom.
“I’m sure.” She agreed as she hugged her baby to her chest. "If you're okay with it- I mean."
He turned himself a little to face Meredith instead of Jason and held her tiny, tiny hand in his. He was...okay with it. Not great with it. But she seemed sure and that was enough for him. He didn't need to name his child to be happy. He just needed her to be happy and healthy, along with the rest of his family. That was all he'd ever need. "Well then, welcome to the family Ellis Alexandra Grey-Shepherd!"