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The first day she wakes up a nobody, she wants to crawl right back under the covers and wait to wake up for real. This has to be a bad dream, right? The last few days were just a weird nightmare brought on by some bad curry or that run-in she had with the angry bunny who wanted to bite her hands off.
She's back at the mansion because she has nowhere else to go. She can't face Tsuwabuki, she knows how her so-called friends really feel about her, and just the idea of going back to that place makes her skin crawl.
She can't look at her duelist uniform without feeling sick. The reason she wore it in the first place, the person she thought she was, what she thought she wanted. She shoves it as far back in her closet as she can and takes out her old school uniform.
I'm just like all the other girls.
He's gone off without her, of course, not even a note. She fixes her own breakfast, but everything tastes like lead. Normally, he'd be sitting at the other end of the table from her, pretending to care about her questions as he tailored his answers in just the right way to sting her.
Thinking back, he always knew exactly what she didn't want to hear. Slowly chipping away at her self-confidence with that damn charming smile on his face.
Nanami pushes her half-full plate away and stands up, gathering her things. His phone's been fished out of the trash can, she notices, and for once she can't bring herself to care.
She wonders if thirteen is too young to have her own apartment.
When she spots Keiko, Aiko, and Yuuko in the hall, Keiko loudly proclaims that they have "somewhere else to be" and tosses a mean smile at Nanami before she leads the other two away.
So what? They never really liked me anyway, they were so annoying, it's nice not to have them following me around everywhere for once! But it still hurts every time she hears them snicker and whisper as she passes them, or when Aiko complains she can't hear when it's Nanami's turn to read aloud.
Miki tells them to knock it off, and that just humiliates her more. She used to not need people to fight her battles for her.
(She just wanted one person to do that, just to prove he loved her the best.)
She eats lunch by herself, tucked away in a corner of the library. Utena offered to let her eat with her and Anthy and Wakaba, as if she needed more pity. Especially from Utena, whom she wishes she could blame for ruining what she had with Touga, but she knows she can't anymore.
He was never mine for her to take away.
She'd spent her entire life competing for his affection, as though she'd ever had a chance. Of course, that was back when she was naive and foolish and didn't realize how ugly that kind of affection truly was. Even the discovery that he wasn't her brother after all doesn't lessen the prickling nausea when she thinks of what he tried to do.
Because he never actually loved you. He was never the person you thought he was.
She goes through the rest of the day in a gray haze, trying her hardest to just blend into the swarm. The only good part is that Keiko, Aiko, and Yuuko have stopped their whispering and giggling. But at least dealing with their betrayal is easier. What did any of them ever have in common? They just wanted to cozy up to her brother, she let them follow her around to feel important.
After classes let out, she goes home and finds everything those three ever gave her. Tacky expensive things bought only to curry favor with her, ugly accessories and useless knicknacks. The photo album they made together. She crams them into a box, takes it down to the river, and lights it on fire before sending it off.
Unlike the last time she sent something down the river in a box, this lifts some of the weight from her chest.
I never needed any of you.
The next day when Utena invites her to eat lunch with her and Miki, Nanami accepts. Because the library's dusty and it's a pain worrying about crumbs, she tells herself. Because Utena asked so nicely, because at least she knows she can (sort of) trust Miki.
It's better than sitting alone and thinking about how she still hasn't thrown out the picture of her and Touga on her nightstand, or the ribbons he gave her when she was little, or all the birthday and Christmas cards. Instead, she listens to Utena fret to Miki about an upcoming math test.
She hasn't studied nearly enough lately. Nanami's grades have always been good enough, but she wonders if she should try to do better. She'll never be a genius or a scholar, but she wants to believe she can do better.
"Miss Nanami, would you like to study with us?" Miki offers. For all his faults he's nothing but genuine, despite what her paranoid imagination says he's never made fun of her or made her feel stupid and useless. He's never strung her along while secretly hating her behind her back.
And Utena, stupid tomboy Utena, isn't objecting one bit.
"Anthy might not be there tonight, but I'll make extra snacks anyway. You like the lemon custard tarts, right?" Nanami mentioned them once, and Utena's never forgotten. For the first time in days, Nanami manages a tiny smile.
"Sure. Since you both asked so nicely."
Little by little, she starts to feel less like a fly and more like...well, she's not sure yet. But Utena keeps asking her to have lunch with her and her friends and she keeps accepting because it's something to do. People to be around.
"You're certainly becoming dependent on me, Utena. Won't your Rose Bride get jealous?" she teases. Utena smiles.
"I knew the old Nanami was in there somewhere."
"Miss Nanami is too resilient to let anything keep her down," Miki says. "Whatever was wrong the last few days, she found the solution." Not really. She still has to fight off the hurt and regret over Touga, stifle the urge to chase him down and ask what he's doing. Not out of jealousy or possessiveness, but out of worry.
"Unless it's an animal, then someone always has to pull her butt out of the fire," Juri chuckles. Nanami groans. To this day she still can't figure out why the elephants, why the kangaroo, why the cow bell, why the mongoose and all the snails. She's starting to think she'll never know.
She can't eat beef anymore, though. Seeing Touga's steaks in the freezer gives her chills, and not just because they're his.
"Very funny," she mutters, taking the most dignified sip of her drink that she can.
Touga doesn't come home anymore. She puts the picture of them in a drawer, face down, and packs all the things he's given her over the years into a box. This one, she puts in the back of the closet with her old duelist uniform.
Maybe someday she'll forget all about him. Or maybe someday they'll be able to talk this out and have a normal relationship.
She sees her ex-friends walking down the hall one day, and before any bad feelings can bubble up Utena and Juri are at her side.
"It just occurred to me, I should teach you how to bowl," Juri says. "Don't worry, I'll make sure to start you off with a nice light one. Maybe a beach ball." Utena giggles.
"Miki will be there, too, and I might be able to convince Anthy to come with us." Nanami will never understand Himeimya or what Utena sees in her, that girl just creeps her out. But she's important to Utena, so she might as well put up with it.
"I just hope she doesn't bring her octopus with her this time." She hears three sets of shoes stomping down the hallway, and smiles triumphantly.
"You're welcome," Juri says. From anyone else she'd assume pity, but Juri Arisugawa pities no one.
She gets the lowest score when they go bowling and doesn't care. It's a dumb-looking sport, but maybe she's been missing out on dumb things.
Missing out on fun.
One morning when she puts on her uniform and looks in the mirror, she sees the clearest reflection she's seen in a long time. Someone whose life fell apart before her eyes, who may not have risen from the ashes but managed to dig herself out of the rubble and move forward.
She doesn't know who she is yet. But she has time to figure it out.