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Everytime Lan Zhan heard people explain the complex, profound emotions they had towards their beloved, he found himself embarrassed. It was lovely to be part of their experiences, to be able to know what they felt and be trusted enough to give him such a delicate piece of them. He wouldn’t comment his feelings on it, given that they were not asked and he did not find it important to share them. However.
How unbearable, how difficult it was to digest, all the yearning and longing and desire and hope and want and want and want. Lan Zhan wanted, with all his heart, he wanted and needed to know that he could be looked at without flinching. Without the loneliness that came with him no matter how much he ran from it, because, apparently, there was nothing he could do to change such fundamental parts of himself. It hurt. It hurt to long and hope for, not even when someone seemed to want him in some way. It never quite lasted. It hurt to know that, in his own wanting, he was damned with having to savor the little time he usually had with those people.
And then Wei Ying happened.
Looking at it from the bright side, Lan Zhan found out he could, infact, be infatuated. He was perfectly capable of falling in love. Maybe not of loving, maybe he wasn’t able to love, maybe that was the issue, maybe they were different things.
For once, it wasn’t planned. It wasn’t the first thing in his mind, to let himself feel for Wei Ying or be included as part of his days. So, no, he was confident that this was not a mischievous complot of his. However.
They got close really fast, he could admit that much. He met him through social media, a friend of his that was a friend of a friend that knew him, something of the sort, and they started to talk casually, resuming on meeting one day. They did make out. Lan Zhan was under the impression that that was what Wei Ying wanted from him, a fun time and horny, teen-like make out sessions, and he was actually very happy with those desires. They were safe and known, he was well acquainted with the concept of a friend with benefits. Or a friend with whom you did things sometimes. Or a friend that was never anything else than a friend, but could and would never be called a friend in his mind. A friend, nevertheless.
He was confused when Wei Ying showed signs of affections. Reciprocating with half mind, a little dumbfounded by how genuine and sincere he sounded when he said things about missing him, or wanting to see him, or wishing he was with him at the moment. That was…Odd. It was even more odd how he found himself in Wei Ying’s words; “I miss you”, he said. “I miss you”, he felt. “I could tell you how much I like you for hours”, Wei Ying told him. “I would never finish if I had to explain how fascinating, complicated, dangerous and beautiful it is for me to know you”, Lan Zhan felt.
Sleeping together for the first time was an experience he didn’t know would go the way it went. Looking at him. Seeing him. Kissing him. Being so completely there and feeling so entranced by him, feeling so…present. Feeling him. Just. Lan Zhan did like to poetise his feelings, to express himself in a way that art would accept, and, however, he had found himself speechless by those big and honest and beautiful and heartbreaking eyes, and he felt himself sinking deep, deep, deep.
They didn’t fuck. They just looked, and talked, and kissed, and slept. Lan Zhan felt as if he had been missing on a beautiful, intimate thing for a very long time, and he couldn’t help himself but to ask why didn’t Wei Ying appear sooner in his life. He thought “How regretful that we didn’t meet sooner, and how fortunate that it’s still not too late”.
No, he had to stop.
That was way too much for the time that they had known each other, and he was so terribly scared that it was only happening in his head, that Wei Ying did not like him that way. But. He said he did. He told him how much he liked him, he talked about how Lan Zhan looked at everything around him, and he cherished his smiles, and he found time where there was none, to see him, to catch a little more time holding his hand. Why would he doubt his words and his actions? He was not Wei Ying, he would not act like he knew better than him, and he would believe that he was not just speaking and doing nonsense.
Lan Zhan was fighting against all that told him that his affections for him were bigger than the ones that Wei Ying held for him, that he had to fucking believe the words of someone who cared about him, that he had to trust that he was not lying. How humiliating, to want and express your want, and how scary, to know they could hurt you based on it.
He kept on growing his feelings for him, trying his best to not let the “leave him, leave him before he leaves you” win, because he did not deserve that, because Wei Ying did not deserve that. He asked him out. He just. He just did. Lan Zhan remembered thinking that the other boy was just looking for a quick and easy fuck, or a friend who would kiss him ocassionally, for whom he would hide his emotions as to not mess up the only thing that Wei Ying would give him, and he thought “How foolish of me, to think like that of someone who cares so deeply”. “How foolish of me, to believe that he would use me and leave when I’m no longer lovely to be around”.
They started dating. Scary, exciting, beautiful. They fucked, and it was fun and good, and he just felt so lucky to be trusted and wanted by him. No longer just wishing for affection, but wishing for his. Wishing him.
The urge to leave was getting stronger, and then Wei Ying started acting odd.
He did say he felt himself losing control, but he was confident that, as long as he didn’t overdo it, he would be fine, and Lan Zhan found no reasons to not believe him. He was just… distant. The hours between each reply started to stretch, which felt weird, but didn’t want to give much of a thought. And then he was less affectionate, which felt weird, but decided to think that it was more due to tiredness and lack of sleep, just his overreading giving him a headache. And then he started repeating himself, as if he did not remember what he said or didn’t say. Then there was Lan Zhan, asking for reassurance, and being told that Wei Ying just didn’t have that much of the emotional permanency that people usually possessed, but that it wasn’t personal. He just didn’t have the energy. Wei Ying making plans on unfortunate days. Wei Ying forgetting about him.
Suddenly, Lan Zhan was ten again and his friends tried to tell him that it was not him, it was them. He wasn’t the problem, they just didn’t feel like being with him. He was seven, and he was trying to talk to his mother, while only receiving a deaf ear and a half-assed answer, that always came out cruel. He was eleven, and he had just realized how his dad had trapped his mum with his love, how he had made her stay and endure and raise children, when she had wanted to fly and get to know the world. He was twelve, and people felt and felt and he did not feel, and he was the problem. He was thirteen, and his first situationship used him and left him. He was fourteen, alone, scared, unwanted by everyone around him. He was fifteen, and his best friend had just avoided him for a whole month after telling her something that had bothered him. He was sixteen, and his partner told him they didn’t have the time for him, that he was way too much work. He was so small, and he was being left.
So he shut down.
Survival took the wheel, rapidly throwing Wei Ying in a pressure ball of having to tell him if he felt ready to be with him, if he really wanted a relationship with him. Killing something good to ensure that he was the reason he could not have it, and, so, Wei Ying broke up with him. He told him that Lan Zhan wasn’t the problem, that a partner wasn’t what he wanted or needed; he wanted them to still be friends, that Lan Zhan was a very cool guy. Once again, survival rode him through insulting his now ex-partner, portraying all the rage of how hard it had been to let Wei Ying in to be left so fucking quickly, all the harm that he had to ignore just to be able to try and provide and be the boyfriend he deserved.
Desire sounds too beautiful for how disgusting Lan Zhan felt.
He wanted to be fought for, he had wished for Wei Ying to try and see if they could rearrange, if they could, somehow, get out there together, supporting each other and come out stronger. He knew that wasn’t fair for Wei Ying. Wanting is so humiliating, when you know you can’t get what you want to ask for. And all the awful, terrible things he told Wei Ying could not be untold. He tried to apologize when Wei Ying didn't want an apology, completely careless of how he could be feeling.
It all was bound to fall apart. They met up, since they still had things that belonged to the other, and Lan Zhan would not bear seeing them everyday. He apologized, again, for the words he didn't mean, for the pressure he put on him, for making him be with him, for not having known what he needed to give him. And Wei Ying, in return, told him that he thought that the feelings Lan Zhan had for him were stronger, deeper than the ones that Wei Ying held for him. That it had crossed his mind that Lan Zhan was being unhealthily obsessed with him. Wei Ying expressed how he felt like Lan Zhan was a responsibility, and that he didn't know how else he could feel if Lan Zhan felt bad because of him. He said he just couldn't spend that much time paying attention to one person. He just wasn't in the mental place to hold a relationship.
He was trying to listen to his words in an objective, critical way, and, no matter how hard he tried, all he could hear was "You were too much". He wondered of all the times he had pleaded to be told when he got too overbearing, when he expressed way too many emotions, when he told Wei Ying that that was something he struggled with.
Lan Zhan desired to confront him "Couldn't you tell? I was trying to love you less." The words didn't leave him. Instead, he worried about how was Wei Ying handling what was out of his control.
“How are you doing?” Lan Zhan had asked him.
“Fuckin’ killin’, to be honest” Wei Ying answered, looking happy and lost in his own head. "I'm not really thinking. I feel great."
Oh.
It downed him; he shouldn't have believed Wei Ying, not a single word. They just broke up, and he was fucking perfectly. He was going out, just as normal as anyone would, he was dealing with it just fine. “I get over these things quite quickly, if I'm being honest. I’m fine now”. Not even two full days had gone by, Lan Zhan thought. How little did you care?
He hugged him goodbye, trying to stretch the seconds, given that it could be the last time. As far as he was concerned, and as much as Wei Ying said he wanted them to keep being friends, Wei Ying had never been honest with him. This wouldn’t be the first time. He forced himself to let go of the embrace, seeing how Wei Ying chuckled at his odd behavior. Okay. He could laugh. Lan Zhan could cry enough for both of them, and so he did.
He cried, and cried, and cried, and threw up, and cried, and cared too much, cared enough for two people, cared enough to believe that he may, possibly, be unlovable. It had been so fucking hard to let Wei Ying in. It had been so much work to believe him. It had been so much, just to be lied to. Knowing that Wei Ying was doing okay while he was missing him so dearly was the hardest, the loneliest thing to go through of the whole process.
Wei Ying breaking up with him didn’t hurt as much as having been tricked did.
He had been used, again. Wei Ying had lied. Why did Wei Ying lie about something so personal? Why didn’t he just tell Lan Zhan he had no feelings for him? Why had he looked at his eyes in the crack of the morning for hours, why did he kiss and hold Lan Zhan, why did he make him feel so loved and cherished, why did he make him happy, when he didn’t mean any of it? What happened to all the plans they had made together, the months that would come without him, the things he had left with Wei Ying? What would be of him now, now that he knew someone could lie to you so good he could trick you into thinking you were loved? Why did Wei Ying say he was the most beautiful boy he had met, why did he feed him, why did he lie to him about having a list of things he liked about Lan Zhan? What sort of twisted mind had the time and energy to kill him this way?
It didn't make sense, to think that Wei Ying cared so little. He had held him while he cried, being so utterly scared of being left. He knew. Wei Ying knew. Wei Ying understood. And yet, the things he said were clear. They didn't leave space for misunderstandings.
Something that stuck with him was the whole "I like you, I want to be with you, I just can't". The whole "right person, wrong time". How can someone tell you that they feel hurt to break up with you while also telling you they feel perfectly fine? How can someone tell you they want to be with you, but can't be with you? It made sense, logically. He could analyze and understand it to some extent. His feelings did not think.
"I've been tricked, I've been left."
He went through wishing he could see him one more time, just kiss him once more and have him for a last time. Then he thought how much he hated him, how much of an asshole he had been. Then he understood, forgave him, and thought that it would be easier with time. He kept wondering about how he was. He found himself still stuck in their little routine, waiting for a reply or thinking about him in his spare time, until Lan Zhan remembered "Oh, we are no longer together." It was deeply unsettling how his brain still had horny and loving thoughts on him, as if it hadn't caught up with the recent events. He tried to chase them away; he no longer had a right to think of him like that, and yet it was inevitable. He just let them be, let them be beautiful, let them break with the realization that came after. Lan Zhan found himself trying not to send Wei Ying things that he knew would make him laugh, or he would relate to, or that he could find useful.
It was sort of like having a ghost limb; you try to use it as you normally would, and you can't quite grasp why it isn't working, why can't you take hold of it, why isn't it there. Rationally, you know why. Somatically, it would still be there.
He realized that knowing what he was up to and how well he was doing right now was absolutely detrimental to his mental health, so he took distance.
Lan Zhan looked for support in his friends, gave himself space, let himself cry every fucking day for a week or so, until he stopped having the urge. He went through missing the relationship they used to have, to missing just and simply Wei Ying. The way his eyes formed little crescents when he laughed sincerely, how he stopped him in the middle in the street just to kiss him, how he held his hand at any point, the fascinating way in which he talked about the shows he liked, how he moved his hands in excitement when he got an idea, even the way he fucking waved when he saw you approaching. How he looked up when deep in thought, trying to search for an answer that made sense in his head, or how he shrugged his shoulders when he didn't know how to feel about a certain something. The way he whined to not be woken up, or about how tired and lazy he was. The shape of his hands, the way he picked up Lan Zhan's jokes with a straight face and continued them. And how he got embarrassed and covered his face, complaining about how much he liked Lan Zhan and how unfair that was! The way he bopped his head enthusiastically when he was enjoying a song, how he let out his little "aw" when something made him feel a certain way.
How he kissed him, how he held him, how he kept him at arm's length.
It was. It was a lot to miss, and, for the first part, Lan Zhan thought he would miss Wei Ying forever, while he wouldn't be thought of, not even for a moment. He came to be partially okay with that, as long as Wei Ying didn't return to lie.
And, well. He pretty much did.
He did remember that, when they hung out, Wei Ying commented something about them hanging out in the near future to discuss what happened, due to the fact that he was pretty much very out of reality at the moment. As Lan Zhan had created the "Everything he says is a lie, a joke or said without meaning (unless it hurts me, in which case, is true)" narrative as a self-defense mechanism, he assumed that Wei Ying would not contact him ever again. Despite the "I want to keep being friends" thing, he doubted Wei Ying even remembered Lan Zhan at all. However.
He was…Wrong.
He received a message from Wei Ying, apologizing for having contacted him almost two weeks after the breakup, and telling him he wanted to say sorry for various things he did wrong, both as a friend and as a partner. The message did not show any signal of wanting to get back together, which was a relief, since Lan Zhan would have not known how to manage that situation. It said that he wanted them to be friends again, though. He was asking how Lan Zhan was doing; the question left him a little bit confused. "I'm sad, I miss you so much. You're everything I avoid. I wish I had more time with you. I wish it was longer. I wish I had time to show you how good I can be, if you let me. On the other hand, I feel so terribly infuriated towards you, the way you forgot about me and told me how well you were doing. I wish my anger wasn't the consequence of your happiness. I wish I could come to terms with the fact that this was never about me. I wish I could stop caring."
He just, he just didn't know how to feel about it.
Lan Zhan was glad he got contacted. He did want to see Wei Ying, he did miss him and it did hurt how much he did. He was aware he would stop longing for his presence if he avoided it enough, and that hanging out with him was going to make it all very much worse, and yet. And yet, he craved it, and he was going to do it. He needed to hear the apologies he had for him, he needed to know that Wei Ying had cared, that the narrative he constructed was just that, a narrative.
That was what was under all of it, wasn't it? For Wei Ying to confirm to him that he didn't mean some of the things he said. That he did like Lan Zhan, that he didn't lie to him, that he didn't date him out of pressure, that he didn't feel like he was a responsibility.
Whatever. Whatever. He just. He just missed him. But he would stop missing him, yeah, he would. No matter what happened, he would. He would. He would stop resenting him. He would stop dirtying their memories.
He wished he could tell him all of his feelings and thoughts on them, without having to confess anything.
Lan Zhan, his monstrous needs, his longing, his wanting. How do you deal with love that will crush you if you let it grow?
•••
It had been painful. It had been fun. Lan Zhan had missed him so much.
Remembering all the reasons he liked him was one thing, having them all right in front of him was a completely different one. He could see himself getting mesmerized with his smiles, and having genuine fun by his jokes, and feeling his body relax around him. Just…that weird tingling in your hands when you're trying not to move them, the urge to just have him closer to him, like he was…Like that's where he wanted to be. Close to him. Close to Wei Ying.
They talked, and it was hard not to cry at all fucking times. He thought he had no tears left on this topic, which was, well, clearly not true. He had told Wei Ying: "Don't lie to me, you've lied enough" whenever he said he cared about him, choking back all the terrifying feelings and thoughts that had been running through his mind since the breakup. The awful, heartbreaking narrative in which someone whom he had cared for deeply had ended up forgetting about him.
And. Well. It didn't look as true now.
Lan Zhan found himself realizing that Wei Ying was worried, sad, angry with himself about what happened. He found him preoccupied with how Lan Zhan thought of him now, frustrated by how he had come to think he was nothing to Wei Ying. He denied part of the things he said last time they hung out, that he had not…dated him out of pressure. That he had liked him. That he wanted Lan Zhan close. He wanted him close, in his life.
That was so utterly heartbreaking and comforting, because Lan Zhan wanted to have him close, too, no matter how, but he had convinced himself that it was not reciprocated.
However, he was extremely worried about Wei Ying. He looked tired and lost, and so, so overstimulated by everything. He looked like someone in constant survival mode, like it had been a long time since he last felt safe. Like he was trying to get ahold of everything that was going on and he could barely get caught up in it, as if he was a passenger in his own body, which just wouldn't stop. He looked frantic, somehow. He looked like he was just getting off the edge of something, shaken up and confused. Lan Zhan didn't like that look on him. He wished he could…do something about it. There was nothing he could do, he knew that.
He was a little exasperated towards his own feelings, nevertheless. The weird, uncomfortable sting of them being friends and never again nothing else, the defeating sensation that he wouldn't get to know him fully as a lover, how tiring it was to hear himself thinking "Tell him how good he looks! Tell him how much you missed him! Tell him how much you want to kiss him! Hold his hand! Caress his cheek! Bite him!" and knowing that none of these thoughts could know the surface. Because. There were things. That he shouldn't do. All the times he talked about liking him in past forms, they hurt. Wei Ying didn't like him anymore, and he should be completely fine with that.
They discussed how they wanted their friendship to look like, which was good. It had been productive, and Lan Zhan was choking back tears all the fucking time.
He wasn't especially proud of the last ten minutes, though.
They got up to say goodbye to each other and go their own ways, and they hugged, and it lasted a long time. And he just. He didn't want to let go. He smelled so good, he had missed him so much, he felt so much like home, and, for some stupid fucking ass reason, he felt so right in his arms, so he just. Kind of lost the brain-to-mouth filter.
"I want to kiss you."
He shouldn't have said that.
"Ugh" Wei Ying answered. "I get that, alright, we just shouldn't. Okay? That's not good for me, nor for you."
"You don't care. Let me have this."
"I do care! I do miss you! It will be no good for me too!"
Then have me, Lan Zhan thought. I don't care. If you miss me, you can have me. I want you.
"Don't lie. Just. Why can't we?"
"I want to too, okay? It's just not a good point! You should be the reasonable one, not me! Come on!" Wei Ying said, laughing.
"I didn't know the last time I kissed you was going to be the last. I didn't enjoy it enough. I don't remember how it was." Lan Zhang felt himself tearing up, and he was so pathetic and it was so humiliating to ask for something he wanted so badly but couldn't and shouldn't have. He felt like a little kid again, asking for someone to listen to him.
"I know. I get it. I know, but you will regret it once you're home." Wei Ying tried to argue.
"I won't. I have never regretted kissing you. This won't be different. Maybe you will. I will not." he answered.
"Fuck, I know, I wouldn't regret it either. Okay, we can hug again. Sounds good?"
Lan Zhan wrapped his arms around him without thinking twice, just. Wishing so desperately that he didn't have to go. That they could stay like that for longer.
"Why can't we? Why can't we go back to the way it was, changing whatever feels necessary for us to be together? I don't want you to go away. I don't want to be friends. I've never felt like your friend, I felt like I had known you for longer than I had. You felt like something else, like someone I was meant to know. We don't have to be partners, we can just have whatever we did before dating. I want to adore you the way I still feel. I don't want this to be over, I didn't enjoy it enough. We had so many plans, I have so many things to share with you. I have so many feelings for you I have not told you. I like you. I like you so much. Let me have this. Let me have you", he didn't say.
He knew it wasn't fair to ask for that when Wei Ying could not even give himself the respect and love he deserved, when he was still disconnected from reality. Wei Ying needed to heal and recover, and do whatever was good to him. And he had to respect his decisions. He had to fucking stop asking him to kiss him. What had happened to Lan "No-Is-No-At-All-Times-No-Insisting" Zhan?
"We may have other chances, just, not now. We shouldn't." Wei Ying argued.
Lan Zhan just looked at him.
"No."
Lan Zhan kept looking at him, not saying a word.
"Stop staring at me like that, geez, I said no!"
Lan Zhan continued to look at him.
"Oh my god, you're so annoying! Stop!"
Lan Zhan did not stop to look at him.
"Alright, that's enough, you gotta go and I gotta go too! I'll see you around."
Lan Zhan did not move, and Wei Ying did not, either.
"Come on, what the fuck! I'm serious, Gege, it's a bad idea. C'mon. I have to study. Okay?" Lan Zhan saw how Wei Ying was trying his best to convey his point, to get Lan Zhan to stop…Doing whatever kind of manipulation technique was staring puppy eyed. He was acting childish. He had to respect his wishes. It was time he surrendered.
"Okay. Goodbye, Wei Ying." he said, turning around.
"Bye!"
He looked back once, seeing Wei Ying putting on his headphones, already out.
Lan Zhan took off his makeup, got in the subway, and started crying. It was going to be fine. They were friends. They were friends. That was more than enough. That was so very fucking good. They were friends.
Do these feelings make me weak? Do they make you weak, too, if you feel them? Will you think of me, when your friends mention meeting someone that makes you happy? Will you remember me?, Lan Zhan wondered.
It was fine. He was going to still miss him in some way, even if he was with him. He was still going to yearn and long for, and he didn't know for how much time that was going to last for. "It takes you half the time you were with someone to get over them." It was a pity, that Wei Ying felt like someone who had always been there. You can't calculate that.
It was fine. He would be fine. They would be fine, eventually.
He really, really wanted to see Wei Ying again and watch the worse fucking show ever to torture him and see him laugh and whine, though.