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After traveling long enough across the seas, any person ends up learning the few rules that only the waves whisper.
Devil Fruit User and sea water don't mix well.
Marines and pirates fight each other.
“Weird” is a word that gets more and more meaningless the longer you sail.
And so on.
Most of them are both easy to understand and easy to explain.
There is one more rule though, one that started as a myth, really. There’s no official record of it in any archive, seemingly no history behind it, and no rational explanation for it. For many, it had always been there and probably would always be. After all, everyone agrees to say it is an undeniably true statement.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a pirate ship, a marine ship or even a civilian ship: every ship has one (1) Resident Dickhead on board.
The Sunny rocks under the explosion of yet another cannonball. Meanwhile, Zoro kicks some small fry that didn’t really hold much of a fight. He frowns as an officer steps in front of him, all arrogant smirk and show-off attitude.
“I never understood all the fuss about your crew. You’re all pathetic and I’ll prove it.” Zoro resists the urge to roll his eyes when the man adds, “Starting with you, Roronoa.”
Ah. He apparently found this marine ship’s Resident Dickhead.
Just his luck. As if it wasn’t enough to deal with their very own Resident Dickhead on a daily basis. Speaking of the devil; the cook locks eyes with him for a second, an annoyed expression stuck to his features as if he had been reading Zoro’s mind.
Yeah yeah, fuck you and that day too.
Sanji kicks at another sword coming his way and can barely contain his annoyance. As if his life wasn’t already full of stupid swordsmanship. Something tingles at his senses. He turns to look at the other side of the ship where the Mosshead is fighting, and of fucking course. Their own fucking Resident Dickhead found his marine equivalent. This day was getting worse by the minute.
Nami is with Franky, trying to find the right route to both escape the Marines and not wander too far from their initial plans, while also fighting the few marines who come their way. There aren’t that many of them, possibly because Luffy is launching himself left and right, cackling like a madman and fighting anyone he can find.
“Oï Luffy, back off! This one was mine!” Sanji yells as his captain knocks out the man in front of him, barely stopping long enough for his feet to touch the deck before he throws himself on the next enemy.
A burst of unfamiliar energy suddenly explodes somewhere at the front of the Sunny and they all freeze for a second, pirates and marines alike. Nami looks up in Zoro’s general direction and finds him facing a marine. A marine clearly using Haki. Her only clear thought at that very moment is “Oh hell no” and then her crew’s very own definition of a nightmare comes to life.
Luffy, Zoro and Sanji all turn to the man, and in the silence newly created, yell all at the same time, “THE RESIDENT DICKHEAD IS MINE!”
Nami doesn’t know whether to cry or attempt to kill them right here and there when they run at the man, not even trying to hide their stupid excitement over fighting an unexpectedly powerful enemy.
“By the seas, if the Sunny suffers any collateral damage because you three got too excited ONCE AGAIN, I will—”
The end of her sentence gets lost in the loud explosion that follows and she throws her hands up in frustration and despair. How in the world did she end up on the crew that got THREE Resident Dickheads?
Law hates it here. He hated it before the marines actually showed up. In all fairness, he hated it the second he agreed to that alliance with Luffy. To say he also hates traveling alongside the Mugiwaras would be the biggest understatement of the century. Actually, being anywhere near them is a fucking stupid idea; those guys attract trouble like nobody’s business.
It’s unbelievable really, that a crew like that could even work. That it could even survive long enough to create this much chaos. It defies any law of the sea.
It should be impossible for a crew to be exclusively made of Resident Dickheads.
And yet.
Here they are.
The three most obvious aside, Law considers that the others are also all Dickheads by proxy. Who in their right mind would look at Monkey D. Luffy and willingly decide to follow him, or worst, team up with him?
Law freezes.
“Oh god,” he says out loud.
His own crew looks at him in alarm, all fighting their own battle but taking the time to check what could have troubled their unflappable captain.
They find him standing there, staring blankly ahead of him. Before they can ask him anything, he turns toward them, and his clear look of shock and distress turns to one of utter betrayal.
“I’m the Resident Dickhead,” he chokes out as it dawns on him.
Not even a beat later, multiple voices of his own crewmates answer all at the same time, “Well obviously.”