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There. It was there. Even though she saw – finally – with her own eyes, she could not believe it was there. She had heard the stories from Ryan of the golden light, heard the Doctor whisper about it in her sleep, legends passed across planets in whispered tongues as if too precious to speak. Despite it all, for a moment, it was beautiful. Pale skin set alight with warmth and glitter and hope. Hope of something she knew would never involve her, not even for a moment. A hope that she was never meant to witness or be a part of. Everything changed as soon as gold reflected in her eyes and finally, all too suddenly, reality set in. It was as if the floor had escaped her and space started to swallow her whole and render her nothing but ash and lost memories. Too real, too much, too soon. Far too soon. Her voice cracked with razors as shivering words drew attention. She could no longer focus on the relief in the Doctor’s eyes when soon they were clouded with tears and rage and fear.
Time.
Time was cruel. Time was always there, always passing by, never stopping, never caring. Time gave with one and took with another, there was no control. For everything Yaz had seen, she thought she had all the time in the world. She had spent most of her life waiting and hoping and wishing, stagnant and unwavering. Time had simply passed her by, and there was nothing she could do about it. Not even the safe cocoon of the TARDIS could shield her from the inevitable. It couldn’t end, not yet, not when there was still so much more. The universe was endless, and so was the Doctor, and yet neither of those things seemed grounded in truth. Both were finite, and she had wasted them.
Her strength, that she had so carefully cultivated, withered away. What was the point of her resolve and pride now? She shuddered, quivered, felt the burning sting in her eyes and the cold regret on her cheeks. Her lungs were hollow, suffocating, heart beating loudly in her ears, nausea and vertigo and her grip on herself non-existent. She could feel the Doctor’s hand against the side of her face, cradling her softly, grounding her briefly. It was hard to focus on what was being said between gulps and pauses, Yaz resigned to simply nodding along as the Doctor’s tone became empathetic and soothing. Despite it all, she was still trying to protect Yaz from everything and everyone, even though she had just saved her life what seemed like merely seconds ago. Yaz could still feel the limp weight of the Doctor in her arms, the whisper of her hair against her neck and the smoothness of her jawline against her lips as she placed the tiniest of goodbyes there..
Out of all the places in the universe, in all of time and space laid bare, there was only one place that Yaz could think of to go after everything. It was something she needed to see for herself, to cement just how much had happened, but also something she wished to share with the Doctor. Just for a moment. The Doctor had given her so much and it only felt right to give something back to the woman who had changed her life beyond measure. A glimpse into how she felt, wordlessly, and how much she meant to everyone else she had ever met in all of her lives. It would be nothing compared to the wonders she had experienced, but in a way that was the point. For once, it would be mundane. Normal, almost.
Just inside the corners of her mind, she could feel the TARDIS urging her on in the background, a hidden safety net to her emotions. Telling her to carry on. Be brave. Be stupid. Not even the residual chill from the ice-cream cone she tentatively held on to could keep her thoughts at bay, however, the cold numbing the words on her tongue to clear the pain from her question. As much as it made her life easier – would have done, past tense was all she could think in – she hated to ask the Doctor questions. An act that had never gone well and soured her curiosity had at least not been tarnished enough to dissuade her entirely. It was easy to let her words hang in the air without reply, easier still not to focus on the moment at all, until. Slowly. The Doctor was present and aware. Engaging, even.
Yaz heard the sob in her voice, felt the weight of her words heavy on her shoulders. She didn’t want it to end, not now, not ever, it was far too soon. But neither of them had a say in the matter. No choice. No matter what was going to happen, it was always going to hurt, and Yaz had finally come to terms with that. Come to terms with the Doctor needing to be alone, always. As much as she wanted to hold her hand and be there for her, carry her to the brink and beyond, she would never be Yaz’s Doctor again. In their little bubble, everything was right where it needed to be. They were together. Finally. With relief shrouded by an uncomfortable knowing, Yaz sighed. The Doctor was holding on for her, but she couldn’t any longer. Yaz couldn’t suffer in silence. If it truly was to be their last moment together, then she needed to let everything go.
‘I love you.’
She sobbed, weakly, pushing every thought that could not pass her lips into the endless expanse of space.
‘I love you. I love you.’
She could feel the Doctor weeping too, a shaking hand hovering over her shoulder as she felt like she was dying.
‘I know…’
Arms wrapped around her, dragging her in closer, now bitter tasting ice cream discarded elsewhere. Yaz felt the heated breath against her neck as tears rolled across her shoulder and into the lining of her jacket. Finding a home there. The Doctor clung tight, fingers curling into leather, dragging as much of Yaz in as she could. Searing heat radiated from her fingertips, setting Yaz alight in a way that felt almost poetic and deserved. Truly, the Doctor had left her mark on her, forever and always.
‘Please don’t go.’
‘I wish I could stay.’
‘Let me help you…’
‘You’ve done more than anyone.’
With shrapnel in her throat, Yaz let everything out. All the years of fear, confusion, wonder and joy. Every inch of it spilled out over the Doctor and almost drown her senses. She felt everything, heard everything, hated herself for how it had ended. But it had to, it always had to, she knew that better than anyone. No longer could she just let her humans go into the night in fear and in pain and alone. No longer could she lose them to her mistakes. At last, at least, she could let Yaz go safely. She could take her home to people who loved and cared for her, to spend the rest of her days right where she belonged. Selfishly, the Doctor could know peace.
‘I don’t want to say goodbye, Yaz.’
‘Then don’t… Stay. For just a bit longer.’
A bit longer… Just a bit longer. She could do that. Time wouldn’t take it away from her. Just for Yaz. Anything for Yasmin Khan, she realised. She would do absolutely anything in the universe for her. Anything to get a little more time with the best person she had ever met.
Her Yaz.
Forever.