Archive of Our Own ^beta

October 14, 1985

Dear Will, 

I hope this letter finds you in sunny California. I know it’s October and you’re used to Hawkins getting colder, so the heat must be weird. Unless what Max said about the year-round summer weather was a lie… Now that I think about it, I should’ve suspected it was a lie from the beginning. I know friends aren’t supposed to lie, but I still don’t think Max and I are friends… She's been weird and quiet lately anyways.

I don’t wanna spend this entire letter talking about Max, I wanna talk about you. How’s your new school? Do they have an AV club? D&D? Anything cool at all? Dustin dragged me and Lucas into a D&D group called Hellfire… I didn’t want to join at first, it’s weird playing without you , but they promised me you wouldn’t mind… hope they’re right. The DM is this really cool senior named Eddie, I think you’d really like each other! He’s got this cool heavy metal rockstar look and he likes to yell in the cafeteria a lot. I think he’s awesome . It’s funny because he’s a loser just like the rest of us. 

I’ve been thinking about you a lot  and El a lot. Mom thinks there’s something wrong with me because I’ve basically lived in the basement since you left, but really I just miss you. I wish I could be with you in California, but more so, I wish you were here and safe with me in Hawkins. 

Is this weird? Did I scribble out too much?

Enjoy the sunshine,

Mike

October 29, 1985

Dear Will,

You’ve been in Lenora Hills for two weeks and we’re falling apart without you  things have been okay, I guess. Lucas has been ditching us ever since he got on the basketball team. I’m happy for him but his new friends are total assholes. He’s been skipping Hellfire to go drink alcohol and be sweaty with a bunch of popular jocks. It feels like he doesn’t wanna hang out with us anymore. Plus, Dustin’s been spending all of his time with Eddie and if he’s not with Eddie, he’s at the video store with Steve. I have no one . I'm alone without you . So, I guess I miss having you around. 

High school officially sucks. Mr. Lenowitz hates me and he’s nowhere near as cool as Mr. Clarke. I think he’s failing me on purpose… yeah. I’m failing science. I think I did good on the last test so hopefully, it’ll be enough to tip me over the passing line again. Mom and dad haven’t said much but I know they’re upset with me. 

Nancy misses Jonathan. I guess that’s obvious… being a couple and all. Not that friends can’t miss each other, I mean, I miss you… and El, but anyways. Halloween is coming up this week. It made me realize that we haven’t had a normal Halloween together since ‘84. Egon and Venkman (me, not Lucas). That was supposed to be the best night ever, but I guess the interdimensional monsters that continue to ruin our lives had other plans. Crazy together though, right?

Anyways, you’re probably bored reading this…  Who am I kidding? I can't send this one either. 

Lost without you,

Talk soon, 

Mike

November 6, 1985

Dear Will, 

I know I won’t be able to send this one. Just like the last two. I know I’m a coward, and I know these words will never reach you. I don’t know just… writing these makes me feel closer to you even if we can’t be together in person. I don’t think you feel the same way. I’ve called every day for the last two weeks and the only time I got an answer was from Jonathan, he sounded sick and said you were busy with something. The others are probably sick of me by now, they don’t have you or El to buffer me away. 

On the bright side, I passed that science test. 

Today is November 6th. It doesn’t hurt any less than it does every year. It’s just… worse somehow because you’re not here and I can’t use you to remind myself that everything is okay. So here I am, locked in my room writing to you as if I’ll ever have the guts to send it. The guilt doesn’t go away either. I’m guilty every year, for thinking I have the right to feel like shit on the anniversary of your disappearance day, the day all of this shit started. I should be there to comfort you, to tell you that I’m here and that nothing can hurt you anymore… but I’m not. I’m stuck in this hellhole crying as if it happened to me and not you. 

So, I’m sorry for hurting on a day like this. I might as well check on Nancy and see how she’s doing. My own sister wasn’t even my first priority when I woke up this morning. I had to write this letter I’ll never send instead. 

Of course, this is the first one I write without scribbling everything out. Doesn’t matter anyways. 

Regrets,

Mike

December 13, 1985

Dear Will, 

It’s almost Christmas. I haven’t been able to write and not send you letters for a while because school’s been kicking my ass. I think I’ve finally got Lenowitz on my side. I stayed after class a few weeks ago to talk about a theory I had, I don’t wanna get into it, and since then he’s glared at me less. It’s a breakthrough in my eyes. 

I signed the family Christmas card earlier, you should get it soon. I wanted to write a note in the corner and seal it up before mom could see, but I chickened out… as always. 

El hasn’t been sending as many letters lately, I know this isn’t about her but it almost feels like a weight off my shoulders to send as many to her as I’m sending to you… none. It’s horrible, I know. I shouldn’t feel like this, I mean she’s my girlfriend… but we all know that I’m the problem. I don’t send either of you letters, I don’t call anymore, and why? Because I’m scared? A coward? Worried you might actually pick up the phone this time? Because yeah, shit that’s scary. 

I’ll bet you’ve grown up more than I have with that new Cali lifestyle. Max said the water was different down there and it made you grow really tall, but I know that’s bullshit since she’s still shorter than all of us. 

Your present should be in the mail. I hope you like it… your mom told my mom that you’ve been painting, that’s cool! I still have a binder with your old drawings in it, it used to stay in the basement but I’ve missed you too much lately and it’s in my room now instead. 

I guess that’s everything… I’ll try calling again tomorrow night. 

Merry Christmas,

Mike 

December 14, 1985

Dear Will,

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel so empty without you. I honestly feel like I won’t even know you when I see you next… and I know it’s my fault. I’ve been a terrible, terrible friend to you and you don’t deserve that. I should be there for you, calling more and sending this shit, not throwing a pile of papers in a shoebox that you’ll never read and hoping you still understand somehow. 

While I’m confessing things, El hasn’t crossed my mind in days. Whenever I think of Cali, I think of you. I know that’s so, so cruel of me… she’s my girlfriend and basically, your sister and I can’t throw her to the side, I don’t want to either. It’s just, anytime Dustin talks about Suzie or Lucas tries (and fails) to talk to Max (long story) the only way I can relate to them is by thinking of you. It’s wrong and messed up, I know, but I can’t help it. 

Sometimes during a campaign, Eddie tells us that it’s okay to run and give up. I know it’s just his character trying to defeat ours, but sometimes it feels too real. I know I’m a coward when it comes to you. It feels a lot like I gave up a long time ago… and now I’m just running away. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry.  For everything. 

Love,

Mike

December 31, 1985

Dear Will,

It’s New Year’s Eve, and we finally got your mom’s Christmas package in the mail! Thank Jonathan for the pictures, I almost didn’t recognize you guys. El’s hair has gotten really long, don’t you think? She looks a lot like your mom. I think I forgot how to breathe when I saw you. You're almost as tall as Jonathan, that means you’re almost as tall as me, which of course is not fair at all by the laws of the universe. Who the hell is that guy next to Jonathan? Also, tell your brother to sleep once and a while. Sorry, that’s mean.  I'm not sorry, it’ll do him some good. 

I think moms sending some pictures back to you guys… if it helps with anything I actually smiled in these. I knew they were going to you so… 

Sorry we had to cancel our trip to Lenora Hills. We spent the last few weeks in and out of the hospital with my Nana (for real this time, I promise). I honestly don’t know how she’s still holding on… she’s a fighter I guess. But so are you, and I wish I could’ve seen you this month. But hey, I’m still flying down over spring break! That’s only a few months away, which is really just a bunch of weeks away so it’s basically no time at all. 

I’m counting the days already. Trust me. Let’s just hope that when the time comes I don’t faint the second I see you!

Too mean to send,

Mike

January 17, 1986

Dear Will,

Happy New Year!

Well, happy middle of January… still counts. Did you guys do anything fun at midnight? I bet you were all asleep like a bunch of party poopers. To be fair, I would’ve been asleep too if Dustin hadn’t forced everyone out to Steve’s for a “party”. It’s in quotations because it was me, Dustin, Lucas and Erica (until their parents picked her up at 10), Eddie, and Steve of course just sitting in his living room talking about nerd stuff for hours. Dustin kept making stupid jokes about his parents finally meeting and me and Lucas had to remind him several times that Steve and Eddie are almost the same age and therefore went to school together. They were being weird all night anyways. 

I wish you were here to talk about nerd stuff with me. I think about that night a lot… you know the one. When I said all that shit about growing up and getting girlfriends? Yeah… I’ve had nightmares about the look on your face, you hating me forever…  I’m ready to stop growing up now. 

I know I say this in every letter, and I know you’ve never read it once  but I really, really miss you. Sometimes I catch myself looking around for you or staying behind to wait for you before I realize you’re not here. Once, I stood at the locker next to mine for seven minutes thinking it was yours. Seven. The bell rang and everything. It wasn’t until the girl who owned the locker awkwardly asked me to move, did I remember that you’re literally 2,229 miles away… yeah I did that math. 

I know it’s only been three months without you, but it feels like an entire lifetime. I finally caught you on the phone last week, I’m sorry for probably being too weird and ruining it. Your voice has gotten so deep holy shit.  It was talking to you anyways…   I guess I got so caught up in this fantasy letter thing that I forgot we haven’t actually talked for those entire three months. I know I’ve slacked a bit with the phone attempts… but you haven’t tried once. 

Who knows what you’d think if you knew what a terrible person I actually am? I probably don’t even deserve a call. 

I’m trying, I promise.

Mike

February 14, 1986

Dear Will, 

This ones gonna be so dumb that I don’t even know if I’ll finish writing it. 

It’s Valentine’s Day. 

I feel so stupid right now. I woke up this morning and Nancy was standing over me with three letters from El. She reminded me what day it was and I’m scared I wasn’t convincing enough. Nance probably sees right through me, knows that El isn’t the one I want those letters from… I’m sorry. It’s horrible. I know. 

So I’m writing this to you now to get it out of my system before I write back a… note to my girlfriend. 

I’m pathetic. I can't even say the word ‘love’ about her, let alone to her… I’m scared she thinks I’m leading her on, but I guess I kind of am. I don’t love her. Not in a romantic way at least.

( I’ve never let that thought cross my mind before. Don’t mind the smudged ink. It’s water, I swear.)

When I think of loving El, I think of the way I love Dustin and Lucas… platonically? I don’t know. All I know is that there’s a reason why I can’t say it to her… well maybe a few… and I’m gonna trust my gut. It tells me that I don’t love her. Romantically, I mean. 

Maybe what hurts the most is how badly you want me to love her. 

And there goes my 3000-mile-away Valentine’s Day. 

I’m gonna burn this one I think,

Mike

March 20, 1986

Dear Will,

I leave for California in two days! 

I’m kind of nervous to fly, even though I’ll never tell mom. I’ve never been on a plane by myself before, but it’ll all be worth it because I get to see you! (And El, Jonathan, Joyce, maybe that other guy too?) 

On the rare occasion Max speaks to me now, she usually says some bullshit about California. She’s trying to scare me or something… I’m sure there aren’t evolved sharks walking through the streets, right? When I get back to Hawkins I’m going to tell her how much fun we had without her and she’s going to be so jealous. Probably not. 

El told me there are so many places she wanted to take me to. I don’t know what we’re going to do first! She also told me you’ve been cooped up in your room for weeks working on a painting. For… someone? A girl? I always used to be the exception when you didn’t want to show anyone your art, I hope you still trust me like that. You know I love your art. 

Update on the party. Everything is going to shit. We were supposed to have this huge meeting tonight, right? The finale to Eddie’s masterful campaign, but of course, Lucas’ stupid basketball championship was tonight as well. We couldn’t convince Eddie to move the campaign and Lucas was being all mopey about it, complaining that Eddie was being unreasonable, even though he’s the one who doesn’t want to be associated with losers like us anymore. We ended up finishing the campaign with Erica, who is still the scariest child to ever live. 

What I’m trying to say is that things are falling apart without you. You’re the glue that holds this party together. I mean, we can’t even hang out on the same nights anymore and that usually leads to arguments. They don’t tell you this shit about high school. 

I can't wait to see you all soon. This is gonna be a spring break to remember. 

Excited to get out of here,

Mike

March 29, 1986

Dear Will, 

I’m writing you this letter under… different circumstances. In fact, you’re sleeping a few feet away from me right now. 

Clearly, things didn’t go as planned. Hawkins is torn apart, Max is in the hospital, and our spirits are low. You said you could still feel Vecna, and nothing is scarier to me than knowing that you can still feel a connection to the upside down. I just want things to be okay. I just want you to be okay. 

I never got to thank you properly for the painting. It means more than you know, even if I don’t believe everything you said. El doesn’t need me anymore, I realize that. She can do incredible things on her own and she knows it. I don’t think I helped her as much as she helped herself back in that freezer. Besides, without you, I wouldn’t have been able to speak at all… 

And the heart? Me? Will. That’s you. If these letters ever fall into your hands Soon you’ll realize that you’re what keeps our party together. Our families together. All of us together. When you moved to California, Dustin found his people and Lucas found his, but things between the three of us fell apart a lot… like I said. It’s not the same without you. None of it. I’ve not been a good person since you left. I’ve been dismissive of my family, mean to my friends, and neglectful of myself. I didn’t feel whole without you. So, what I’m trying to say is you’re not just the party’s heart. You're my heart. You’ve always been my heart, and you always will be. 

When I look at you, I see almost a decade of love. The most beautiful being, inside and out. Call me a sappy poet, we both know I’d do a horrible job saying it out loud. I’m scared though. I’m scared for all of us, and for Hawkins, and the world. How could I not be? But you matter to me most, and I’ll do anything in my power to protect you. If I’m the heart like you said, then you’re my destination. 

I know why I could never tell El that I loved her like that. Because it wasn’t for her. 

I love you.

Crazy together, 

Mike

March 31, 1986

Dear Mike,

You’ve never been good at hiding things from me, have you? God, you’re amazing. I feel so stupid for ever thinking you’d forget about me. We’ve both been pretty stupid, huh? 

So much wasted time, always staring from afar… I could’ve had you in my arms this whole time. But I guess we don’t need to wonder what if anymore, right? I seriously can’t tell if you meant to leave this box of letters in plain sight, but now I guess I’ll have to cover all of them in one of my own since I never got to respond to you before.

California was nice. It was sunny, and warm even through December. I don’t think the water was any different but we’ve both definitely gotten taller. I didn’t go out for Halloween, I couldn’t go without you. November was hard as always if I’m honest… It was much harder thinking you didn’t want to talk to me. I wish mom’s job didn’t have her on the phone every day. I would’ve gotten your calls. I felt the same way, empty without you. Lost in a new state without my favourite person… god it sucked. But I have to say, even if it hurt not knowing how you were doing, seeing your beautiful smile in those photos was enough to remind me why I love you. Yeah. I’m sorry things kind of fell apart in the party, I feel like it’s my fault. I know you’d try to tell me it isn’t, but the feeling is still there. Now that we’re back together, I know it’ll get better. Wounds tend to heal. 

I’m sorry that all of this happened. All of it. I’m sorry for lying to you about the painting, I got choked up and the words just started rolling… plus having Jonathan and Argyle stoned out of their minds in the front seat wouldn’t have made for the best confession, would it? The worst part is that I know this isn’t over. I can still feel him and I know that’s scary for all of us. We’re going to have to fight, but we’re going to be okay though… we have to be. I think the universe owes us a nice date night. I hope you’re not sick of D&D… I have a pretty cool campaign in mind. Not giving anything away… but it’s got a beautiful romance in the end. Sounds familiar, I know. 

Mike, there’s no one in this world that makes me feel the way you do. From the moment we met, I knew there was no one else for me. It’s always been us, like the universe sent us to each other. Knowing you feel the same way is the best, most indescribable feeling in the world. We’re going to have to talk about this, but I think we’re finally ready. 

There’s so much more for me to say and I’ll happily spend an eternity saying it to you. To your gorgeous face, that I can finally say is mine because you know I’m yours too. Shit, I can’t wait to kiss you. 

The thing I’m trying to say the most and have been trying my hardest to say for the last decade, has now become the easiest thing I’ve ever said in my life.  

I love you, Mike Wheeler. More than the stars in the sky. 

Who’s the sappy poet now?

Yours forever and always, 

Will