Archive of Our Own ^beta

The first thing Alec noticed were the strange noises. There seemed to be people shouting, and he could hear the frantic voice of his parabatai, even though he couldn't distinguish the words.

"Get him to an artificial ventilator."

What was happening here?

Perhaps something could be said about the fact that it was only then that he noticed the pain. It was too all-encompassing to notice it as something separate from himself at first. It lived in every corner of his body, crushing his limbs, sending spasms through his head, tingling on his skin. It seemed even worse in his chest, where it beat right along his heart, sending waves of agony through his body. 

"Please, Alec, please."

He wanted to answer the voice, to reassure them, to tell them he'd be alright. He sank into the darkness before he could do that. 

The second time he woke up wasn't that bad. The room he was in seemed too bright, paining his eyes even through the closed eyelids, but it was also quiet now. 

The pain seemed to have lowered a bit too, settling on a constant but bearable level. 

It felt a little bit like he was thrown out of his body, shaken up, and put back, still there but not quite right. 

Alec didn't remember what happened to bring him here. A usual patrol with his siblings gone wrong? The last thing he could recall were them heading out of the Institute, but he couldn't remember anything particularly ominous in their plans for the day. 

Were Izzy and Jace okay?

He needed to stand up and check. He needed to know. He needed to be sure of their safety.

That plan went out of the window when Alec tried to actually move and a sharp pain shot through his whole body. 

Okay. It was okay. He could do this. 

Slower now, Alec started with opening his eyes. The bright light still was a problem, but after some time and blinking he seemed to be able to concentrate on a ceiling in front of his eyes.

He was in the Infirmary, that was clear. He spent one too many hours looking at that same crack in the ceiling to know that now. That was a rather expected outcome, what with the state he was in. 

Or not; that would have been an expected outcome five years ago. Now an expected outcome would have been to be at the loft, at home, being healed by Magnus magic. But the last time he talked to Magnus he was leaving for the Spiral Labyrinth for some sort of a once-a-century check up. That was a reason Alec went on patrol – a way to reconnect with his siblings now that he was the Head of the Institute and couldn’t be on duty as much as he wanted.

The thing that unsettled Alec a bit was the fact that he could not smell the usual sterile medical scent that went hand-in-hand with white surroundings and a hard bed under him, but he decided to dismiss it in favor of the more pressing concerns.

Slowly, aware of his last experience with moving, Alec rolled his head to the side. Something creaked and his neck felt rather stiff from what he supposed was lying in the same pose for quite some time. 

There, in an uncomfortable Infirmary chair, sat Max. Alec's heart squeezed slightly with the affection he felt for his younger brother. Long gone was the time when Max was just a baby, or a child. He was a teenager now, lanky and gangly, not quite sure in his movements yet. He was bright and wildly well-rounded though, both in the Shadow World stuff and mundane knowledge. 

And still, looking at him now, Alec could only see his baby brother. He was a teenager, yes, a young man almost as tall as Alec and with his voice low and gruff. But looking at him, Alec saw a boy with big eyes and even bigger glasses who followed him around, wanting to be included in his siblings' business. A boy always with a comic book in his hands, though that barely changed nowadays. A child who drew runes with Sharpie all over himself to be just like his older brother. 

Aled still held a memory of little Max with an uneven Deflect rune on his neck, close to his heart.

There was only one memory Alec had from when Izzy was born. She was but a bundle of blankets in his mother's hands when he was let to visit her at the Infirmary. He couldn't even be sure if it was a real memory, or his memories of memories intertwined with what he thought it was like and the recallings from the other people. 

It was different with Max. Alec was almost nine when Max was born, less than a year from getting his first rune and having already spent years looking out for his sister as much as he could, trying to guard her from punishments when she did something improper, and trying to make her smile and laugh and be happy with all he could. 

He swore to protect his baby brother on that day, swore that he would care for him and give him anything he would want. 

Alec was there to sooth Max when he cried, to cure his bruises when he fell down the staircases, to lay with him when he had a nightmare. He was there when Max got his first runes, was there for his first patrol, and was there when it became clear—to Alec at least, if not their parents—that Max wasn't going to be the perfect little soldier the Clave made them out to be. 

He still wasn't. Max wasn't the warrior Alec himself was at his age, and Alec couldn't be happier with that. Max had as close to the real childhood as any of the Lightwood siblings ever had, and he came out of it as an amazing person Alec was proud to call his brother. 

Even looking at him now, curled in an uncomfortable Infirmary chair, under a quilt someone had put on him, Alec couldn't help but think of an eight-year-old boy Alec saw in the same position by his bedside after waking from an encounter with a demon. 

It was the sun shining in his face that woke him up again.

Alec felt better—still a weird feeling in his body, but no all-encompassing pain, at least while he wasn't moving. 

It was Jace who was sitting by his side now. He looked small, curled up in a chair, one of his hands clutching Alec's own, his head on his knees. Alec winced in sympathy. That couldn't be comfortable and wouldn't be good for his back later. 

The air in the room was strange, or maybe it was the side effects of laying down for so long, because it felt like he couldn't quite breathe with his whole chest. He heard some beeping sounds. Someone must be injured quite badly to be hooked up to that mundane machine they only got brought out for the most dire of occasions.

He left that thought for when he got up and was able to check on what happened in the Institute while he had a lie in, which was hopefully soon. Alec's head hurt, the sun shining right into his eyes not helping at all. 

He thought briefly about waking Jace up to ask him to close the curtains but decided quickly against it. Jace deserved to sleep and even if Alec still wasn't sure how much time he spent unconscious, he was sure it was high time to go and solve whatever crisis might have been boiling in his absence. Or at least be awake enough to get debriefed, even if his siblings forced him to stay in bed for that time. 

Alec slowly stood up from the bed, preparing himself for the usual feeling of vertigo that accompanied standing up after being down for a long time. He needn't worry though, because the feeling didn't come. He felt strange, a little stiff, and still longing for some fresh air, but aside from that, he was fine. 

The sun almost reached the horizon, that’s why the sun rays were all over the room. Alec looked out of the window at the trees lightened by the red of the sun. He didn’t see this part of the Institute’s surroundings often, more used to the view from his office window in between filling out the documents for the Clave and overseeing the work of the entire Institute. It was quite nice though, the park unattended and beautiful in its natural state. 

"You know," a voice suddenly sounded, and Alec turned away from the window to look at his parabatai. "Clary once said that people in comas can hear others talking to them."

"Yeah, you should listen more to what Clary says," Alec snorted. It was more of pretense on his side, an honor to the usual bickering he and Clary indulged in. He didn't think she was annoying and stupid now, but the habit was left from the time Clary first came to the Institute. 

"I'm not sure I believe it," Jace continued with a sigh. 

“You are right to do so. I wouldn’t if I were you.”

“But now that I think about it… Do you remember our first patrol? Our zero patrol, to be precise, our first unsanctioned mission,” Jace let out a huff, shaking his head. “That time when I was twelve, just recently having come to the Institute.” 

Alec remembered it. He blamed himself for a long time after that patrol. Everything was fine at first, aside from the fact that Izzy and Jace wanted to go on a patrol and weren’t yet allowed to do so. They convinced him to let them do it and to go with them, saying it was alright because he was in fact on duty by that time. 

He had no desire to do that, but it was either telling on them to his parents, which he would never do, refusing them, knowing they’ll find a way to go by themselves, or going with them. At least this way they had his protection. 

It was alright at first. They managed to go through half the route with no accidents, even managing to fight one of the small demons they met.

It was as they were a ten-minutes walk from the Institute when they were attacked by a pack of Morax demons. They managed to fight them, all but one.

Alec wasn’t close enough when a sharp claw tore through Jace’s chest.

He later found out that it was truly an accident. He checked demon activity before they left, choosing a route with the lowest activity that stayed as far from any demonic splashes as possible. But this pack has just appeared on the map after they were gone.

Alec got three months of only ichor duty after that. Jace and Izzy got a strong talking to for going out, but they were considered underage in Shadowhunter society, and Alec was an active soldier who let this happen. This was far from the worst past though. It all happened after.

After Jace got out of the Infirmary. 

After Jace spent a week in a coma. 

After Alec spent longer than a week alternating sitting by his bedside and working himself to bloody knuckles and splitting headache in the training room.  

That might have been the first time he got an idea of hurting himself just not to think for a damn minute.

“Now that I think about it, I can remember it. I think I heard y'all when I was lying down back then. Not much. Just voices calling out to me. I don’t think I recognized any of them. Aside from yours.”

“Why are you talking about it now?” That was a long time ago. Jace was alright now, they spent more time on other illegal missions than they did getting talking-tos from Maryse and Robert, and it was a long time since Alec had thought about that failed patrol.

“I’m not sure if it was because you talked to me more than everyone else, and I’m sure you did, or because you talked to me more before that. I can’t even imagine how you managed to deal with me then, an abused kid not willing to talk to anyone about anything that matters, thinking himself better than anyone around.”

“Are you not like that now?” Alec was not up to feeding Jace’s self-deprecating comments, but the atmosphere in the room felt charged with memories and tension, and he wanted to lighten it up a bit.  

“And I know I am still that boy in many ways. But I’ve come so far, and you were right at my side all of that time. I’m not sure where I’d be without you.”

“Jace.” He took a step from the window, towards his brother.

“And I let you down. I’m so sorry, Alec.”

“What are you talking-”

“I shouldn’t have let you get into that circle.”

And then suddenly memories of what happened flowed into Alec’s mind. Regular patrol, irregular magic activity, Iris Rouse, a child in a summoning circle, a demon about to attack, rushing to them, praying to the Angel to not be too late, being hit with the whole force of demon power.

“Jace…”

That’s alright. That doesn’t matter. Alec was fine; he hoped the child was as well.

“I’m sorry for not saying it before, how much you mean to me. I wish you could hear me.”

“What do you mean?”

Finally Alec came to stand next to Jace, looking at his parabatai with concern. And then there was something even more concerning. 

There was someone on the bed.

There was him on the bed.

All he knew after that was darkness.

The magic tingling on his skin wasn’t Magnus’ — every cell of his body knew how Magnus’ magic felt. Safe. Comforting. This magic wasn’t completely unfamiliar, so he wasn’t entirely panicked as he got his bearings.

“So what happened?” a female voice asked. Catarina then. He should have guessed.

“From what Isabelle told me, they got a message about some suspicious demon activity while on the patrol and went to check it out.” It was good to hear Magnus' voice again, and that was what made Alec open his eyes. “They found a regular-looking house there, not one of the abandoned ones or one still being built.”

And that should have been their clue. They needed to get a backup team right then, they shouldn’t have gone alone.

On the other hand, if they had done that, the child might have been dead by the time they got there.

“They searched the house. Found our old friend in the basement.”

Magnus and Catarina didn’t notice him waking up, didn’t notice him moving. 

Didn’t notice or didn't see?

“Old friend?” Catarina asked, lifting her eyebrow.

“Iris Rouse,” Magnus said ominously.

The name didn’t reveal anything to Alec. Then again, considering recent experience, he might have guessed that woman meant trouble.

“Isabelle said it was a circle on the floor, all kinds of runes outside and inside of it. And a child in the middle”

“Oh. And your boy just couldn’t leave that like that.” That was a statement, not a question.

Alec moved his hand. It moved. It stayed at the same place. 

It looked creepy as fuck.

“Neither of us would do that either, Cat”

“True,” she sighed. “Where are they now?”

“His siblings brough the girl with them to the Spiral Labyrinth as they went to retrieve me. I’m not sure about what happened then. I’m rather worried about her though; no child deserves to go through what she has gone through.”

“I’ll visit and ask about her. You still haven't reached the demon part.”

“Oh, so, from what I understand, Iris was in the middle of a ritual when they came. Almost immediately after they got there, the demon started forming in the circle. Alexander rushed inside, took the kid and pushed her out, but the demon formed entirely by then and attacked. Alexander retaliated and Jace came in to land the killing blow while Isabelle dealt with Iris, but by that time, whatever that demon did to Alec had him falling down, barely breathing. They took him to the Institute, hooked him up to what machines they had, then went to the Spiral Labyrinth to fetch me and bring Iris and the girl. I took him home, and he seems to be better; at least his heart beats alright and he is breathing. I can’t feel what’s wrong with him though.”

“I don’t feel any obvious injuries either, though he does feel weird. Unsettled almost.”

And unsettled Alec was. He was up now, standing next to the bed, looking at his own prone body. What was he going to do with this? 

Neither Magnus nor Catarina could see him—the Alec not on the bed. 

He’d need to find a way to talk to them. A way to show them he was up and running, at least metaphysically or whatever. 

He’d need to check if he could touch anything, if he’d be able to look through Magnus’ books. There had to be something there. Alec was sure Magnus would be searching for the answer too, but with little to no information about Alec’s current condition, he didn’t really have much to work with.

He’d need to check if he could go far from his body, if maybe he could look through the Institute library too. That was a long shot, but it was worth trying.

He’d need-

His musings were interrupted by a melody playing from Magnus’ phone.

“That’s Isabelle,” Magnus said, looking at Catarina and accepting the call, putting it on speaker. “Yes?”

“So. We interrogated Iris.” It was good to hear Izzy’s voice. From what Magnus said, he knew she was okay, at least not injured too badly, but hearing it for himself was even more reassuring.

“They let you do that?” Magnus sounded surprised. “I meant to come in for that part, but…”

“Yeah, Alec was your priority, we get it.” Jace was with her then. 

“Anyway, the Council let us interrogate her, since it was Alec who was injured, and they kind of knew we were with you anyways. They left one of their representatives with us and I’m sure they’ll have an interrogation of their own, but that’s beside the point.”

“Right. So what did you find out?”

“Well, she didn’t really want to talk much at first. Kwasi, the guy they left with us, told her something, we didn’t hear what, and she opened up. She said it was one of the greater demons. Kept repeating that nobody wanted the kid, that she was abandoned, that her mother left her when her warlock mark appeared, and again, that nobody wanted her.”

“Does she know how to wake Alec up?” Catarina asked. Angel, Alec hoped she did.

“I don’t think so. She said that the demon was supposed to take the girl’s soul, her spirit, and leave her dead. That was the price for what she wanted from him, which was apparently to bring someone back from death or something. But since the demon is gone and Alec is not dead she has no idea what it entails.”

Fuck, she doesn’t know. Alec paced to the window and back to the bed, not ready to miss whatever else his siblings might say.

It’ll be okay. He’ll find a way to get back. He will get back to himself.

Magnus looked at Catarina who seemed to understand the thoughts that were going through his head.

“He is not dead, Magnus. He’ll be alright. We’ll find a way to make him better.”

It hurt Alec to see Magnus like this, and not to be able to hug him, to hold him, to reassure him.

It hurt him to be one more person who abandoned this amazing man. 

“But what if…”

“No what ifs. We are going to help him. End of the story.”

“Alright,” Magnus sighed heavily. “One last question,” he said on the phone. “Did she mention the name of the demon?”

“Yes. Leviathan.”

“Well, fuck.”

From what Alec understood, Leviathan was one of the greater demons. There weren't a lot of things Magnus and Catarina knew about him, aside from the fact that he was extremely dangerous and wasn’t known to be defeated.

Also, apparently, unlike all the other greater demons, he wasn’t a fallen angel once upon a time. He was the embodiment of darkness in the form of a demon.

“I miss you so much.”

I miss you too, Alec thought. Magnus had taken to sitting in the bedroom next to Alec whenever someone else wasn’t there to sit by Alec or force Magnus to take a break. Alec, though unknown to anyone else, had taken to sitting next to Magnus, reading the book he was reading at the moment, looking for any clues Magnus might have missed. So far they hadn’t gotten too far, whatever information being in the book corresponds to what Magnus had already told Izzy and Jace, and subsequently Alec. 

"Please, darling, please. Come to me." It was not often that Magnus talked to Alec like this, pleading instead of doing something, anything that might turn out to be useful. It broke Alec's heart every time he did. 

The doorbell sounded, and Magnus sighed and went to get it. They weren't waiting for anyone, Magnus having canceled all his clients' appointments for the time being, but Alec's siblings had taken to coming to the loft whenever they didn't have anything pressing going on in the Institute.

"Ehm, Hello?"

The voice didn’t belong to either Jace or Izzy or anyone else Alec might expect to see, and he furrowed his eyebrows, coming to the door. 

“Hello, dear. Did you come here for the services of the High Warlock? I fear I’m rather busy right now so I’d advise you to search for someone else for your problem.” Magnus smiled, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. It wasn’t insincere, but so tired Alec yet again thought about how he wanted to drag Magnus to bed and spend a day or two just there. No external obstacles, no straining activities; just two of them, warm blankets and maybe also some food.

Well, that’s kind of how they spent a big part of their days now, but not a lot of food and absolutely no cuddles. And no way for Alec to do something about his situation.

“Erghm,” the person on the doorstep started, and Alec turned his gaze to them. It was Sam, one of the new transfers to the Institute. They arrived a couple of months before Alec was attacked, having been transferred after Idris training. 

What were they doing here though?

“I—,I’ve heard that Mr. Lightwood is unwell,” they looked intimidated by Magnus, but determined to get whatever it was they came for. “And he wasn’t in the Institute for over two weeks, and well,” they thrust a package into Magnus’ hands. “Tell him to get well soon, please. Thank you, bye.” They were gone in a moment.

Magnus stared in now empty doorway for a moment before closing the door and unpacking the package, moving into the living room. 

“Cookies?” Magnus furrowed his eyebrows, letting his magic flick through them for a moment, finding nothing to be amiss with them. 

Alec stared at the cookies. They were chocolate chip cookies, and he’d already tasted them once. When Sam had just transferred, they made these same cookies one day, giving everyone a try who so wished. Alec took one, complimenting its taste and saying how he actually loved chocolate cookies. 

The fact that one of his people, someone he hadn’t known for a long time, remembered that and thought about giving up some spare time to lighten his illness was… it made his heart squeeze almost painfully.

Alec recalled how scared he was when he was first appointed Acting Head of the Institute, how terrified he was of fucking up. He had prepared for this for his whole life, he was raised to take the position, and still, he felt too young to be doing it alone (maybe he actually had been too young to be doing it alone). The respect the Shadowhunters of New York held for his parents didn’t transfer easily to him, and he had to fight to be seen as worthy.

Alec remembered being terrified when he met Magnus. It was a chance, a possibility to have a dream he never believed in. A dream he held close to his heart, even if his traitorous heart wasn’t sure it wanted anything. 

And he could have easily lost everything he worked so hard for if he followed that trace of opportunity. The Nephilim weren’t the most accepting crowd and there was no way they would let someone like him rule the Institute.

It all worked out in the end. There were some sneers here and there, but overall he was met with support he didn’t expect.

And now, seeing this small proof of dedication and acceptance reminded Alec of his middle-teen self, so sure he’d never find peace within himself.

He’d come so far since then.

“I’d like to take you to this new cafe in Lviv.”

“Is it gonna be anything like last time?” Alec snorted. 

Last time they went to the city was when they just started dating. They had a nice long walk until Magnus recalled a pinecone jam he tried once in the area, and they proceeded to visit five different shops before buying it from an old lady on the street. It was the end of autumn, and the weather in the mountain area was chilly and windy, and by that time, Magnus’ nose was red and Alec couldn’t feel his fingertips.

They went to a café they saw nearby, warmed up, and ate some kind of red soup with delicious garlic buns.

Magnus told Alec about how he found Chairman Meow, a little stray kitten that outright decided Magnus was his dad. 

He proceeded to retell all the antics Chairman has gotten himself in before he became older and lazier. While he was talking about Chairman making a ritual of splashing the water around before drinking it, making some sort of a fountain out of it, both of them were laughing so hard they didn’t notice Magnus’ cup leaning dangerously towards Alec until Alec’s shirt was in coffee and the shards of the cup were all over the floor.

It was a good thing the coffee had already cooled off a bit by that time, and still Magnus apologized profusely. Alec tried to tell him he was a Shadowhunter , even if the coffee would have been boiling hot it wouldn’t be in the top ten worst things that had ever happened to him. Magnus just shook his head, muttering something about stupid Nephilim and their self-harming tendencies.

“I swear it won’t be like the last time,” Magnus smiled, as if he heard Alec’s question. And oh, whatever happened last time, it was still a good day. Cold at times, and hot at the others, but it was still a date Alec held close to his heart. There couldn’t be any way for him to spend time with Magnus and regret it. “An old friend of mine has just opened this café and invited me to have a look. From what I could see from the photos, the atmosphere is pleasant, and it’s all vegan, so…” So it's something Magnus was looking more into lately. Or at least before the Leviathan situation happened.

“I’d like that.” Alec felt the corners of his lips tugging up even as his eyes burned. “I hope we will go there one day.” With each day that passed with no progress, he was getting more and more desperate to get back to them, to his family, to Magnus.

“Wake up soon, Alexander. Please, wake up.”

“Hey,” Isabelle came into the room, softly closing the door after her. “You alright?”

“Alright.” Magnus rose his head from where he was slumped in a chair next to Alec. Alec himself, or his conscious part, was leaning on the headboard on the other side of the bed, next to his body.

“Mhm,” Isabelle hummed, coming closer. “Here, drink, eat,” she said, giving him a cup of tea and a couple of toasts she had brought.

“You do understand that I am a warlock,” Magnus smiled, nevertheless taking the offered food. “Anything I want with a snap of my fingers and all that.” 

“Yep,” she answered, sitting in the chair next to him. “Doesn’t mean you need to do everything yourself.”

“Thank you,” Magnus smiled, taking a bite. 

“Thank her when you are down with a stomach ache,” Alec said, though surely no one heard.

“You know,” Isabelle said, a soft smile playing on her lips, “If Alec was awake he would make a comment about my cooking.”

“He would,” Magnus laughed, “Though I trust you in making this luxurious feast.” He winked.

“Don’t,” Alec laughed as well. “Izzy burned toast more than once. She used burdock leaves instead of salad. How do you even do that? It doesn't even grow in New York!”

They sat silently, with Magnus eating and drinking quietly until Izzy laughed, looking at the cup of tea in Magnus’ hands. 

“You know, he was terrified when you started flirting with him.”

Magnus choked on his next sip, and Alec groaned. 

“Come on, I wasn’t.”

“Surely I wasn’t that terrifying,” Magnus put both the cup and the plate with the rest of his sandwich down on the bedside table, turning fully to Isabelle. 

“No, you weren’t. It was more about the situation than you specifically.” Her eyes grew distant.

“Come on,” Alec rolled his eyes, “That was more than five years ago!”

“I still remember him frantically putting asexual pride stickers on all possible surfaces.” There was a smile playing on Izzy’s lips as she looked at the cup.

“Why would he do that?” 

“You don’t know? When we first met and you started flirting with him, he kind of freaked out.”

There was a flicker of understanding in Magnus’ eyes and he frowned. “Did he think I’d only want…. one thing?”

“No,” Isabelle shook her head, “that’s not it. He just didn’t want you to be … ‘let down’ I think the exact words were. But he also couldn’t just tell you.”

“Why?”

“Because Alec and communication is a sad story,” Isabelle stated plainly. “Especially back then.”

“Hmm,” Magnus hummed noncommittally.

Alec’s thought flicked to the times in question. So many things had been going on, with Valentine, and saving the world, and the Clave. And Magnus. 

Though Magnus certainly didn’t belong in a ‘bad things going on’ list, meeting him when the world was ending, and Alec couldn’t understand himself fully and was so unsure of what to do with all the flirtations was… a lot. Still, it was one of the best things that happened to him.

“So, he bought stuff,” Izzy continued, unaware of her brother’s internal turmoil. “He wanted a ring for a long time then,” she looked down at black and white rings on her middle fingers, and Magnus took Alec’s right hand in both of his, spinning the black ring on it. “He just, you know, never came to do it before. So he finally bought it, along with all the possible ace pride stickers, some pins, even changed his lockscreen if I remember correctly. And this cup,” she turned her head to the cup in question; four little dragons laying on one another, coloured in the colours of asexual flag. “And he hoped you’d get a hint without him actually talking about it.”

“We did talk about it then.” Alec said, also looking at the cup. Apparently just knowing Alec was ace wasn’t enough for Magnus. It made sense now, and even then he had known they’d need to talk, but generally talking about his sexuality, and coming out per se, were two very different situations, especially to his past self. One felt much more awkward than the other.

“I always thought it wasn’t really Alec’s style,” Magnus smiled, now looking at Alec fondly, squeezing his hand. “But, you know, out and proud.”

“Yeah,” Isabelle laughed, “that’s not really his style.”

What Alec had in mind might not work but he had to try.

Alec had tried moving objects (Magnus would probably have an explanation as to why he could sit on things or lean on the wall without going through them, but his hands went through anything else he intended to touch. Something about muscle memory maybe.), and he had tried going out of the loft, and he tried talking, but there was one thing he hadn’t tried yet. 

It was a little bit strange to lay down on his own body, trying to fit into it, but maybe it would work; maybe he could make some sort of connection with it. He had woken up in it originally, so he could hope.

And then, hopefully, he’d be able to speak to them, to reassure them he was here, to give them a hint.

Magnus’ eyes were on him now, and oh, was it strange to feel it again, instead of having Magnus look through him. "I love you so much darling," Magnus whispered. Isabelle just looked sad. 

“I love you too.”

Nothing. His lips didn’t move, words said but not heard. 

It didn't work. 

Alec tried again after that. It was something to do with his time; as spending his days without the ability to do anything was quite honestly weighing on his nerves. He felt like he was at the breaking point and even if he got back to himself right now, it would be weeks too late. 

So he tried. He tried speaking to Isabelle when she told him about how the Institute was doing. He tried talking to Magnus when he was breaking down and Alec could not do anything. He tried speaking to Jace when he came and sat silently, trying to ease the pain of his parabatai that he still could feel. 

And it didn't work. Time after time, he tried, and time after time, he failed.

Maybe he needed to think of something else.

It was a usual Tuesday when Alec came close to dying. A shitty death for a Shadowhunter that would be. They spent their lives fighting demons, defending the world, and being brought up on tales of heroic deaths.

“Yeah, I’ll come now,” Magnus said into his phone, furrowing his eyebrows. 

"How is it that no other warlock is available?" He muttered under his breath, getting ready to leave the loft. “A newly turned werewolf is losing blood and the only person in the whole of fucking New York who can help is Magnus fucking Bane. Fantastic!”

He entered the bedroom, coming to stand by the bed.

“I’ll come soon, darling,” he said, brushing the fringe out of Alec’s face. “It shouldn’t take more than half an hour”

It was the first time Alec since first fell into the coma that he was alone. Either Magnus or someone else was always there with Alec.

Alec looked off of a balcony at the crazy rush that was New York. He wouldn't see Magnus there, he had made a portal to what Alec supposed was the Jade Wolf, but it was as good a past-time as any. He got quite good at it, spending time in his head. Usually he couldn’t go a couple of minutes without doing something, anything, but that wasn’t really an option now. He read sometimes, sitting by Magnus, pretending that everything was okay, and reading over his shoulder. He talked to whoever was in the loft, answering their words, commenting on whatever was happening or just making little jokes that came to his mind. He exercised, even though it wasn't that effective, with just his imaginary body weight for equipment.

As time went by with Magnus still not returning, Alec started feeling worse. He felt dizzy and his breaths were coming shallow, like there was not enough air. 

What the fuck? He didn’t really need to breathe as he was now, why was he having these problems?

He went to the bedroom, looking at his body. Everything seemed fine.

He lay down, feeling like he was about to faint.

Alec felt his heartbeat growing quicker, the blood pumping through his ears. Or maybe he was just hallucinating? 

He didn’t know how much time had passed, but he was ready to give in to the darkness, when he heard a panicked, “Alexander!” and felt a magic cocoon wrapping around him.

He felt better after that.

“Miss Branwell?” Alec was as surprised as Magnus sounded to see Lydia on the doorstep.

The corners of Lydia’s lips lifted a bit in a pleasant smile, though her face stayed rather formal. “Good afternoon, High Warlock Bane.”

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” 

“I would like to ask for the services of the High Warlock,” Lydia answered, something hesitant going through her gaze.

“Unfortunately, I’m not taking on clients right now.” Magnus said, as Lydia’s eyes slipped behind him before turning back. “You’d need to reach out to one of the other High Warlocks. I can give you a contact.” He clicked his fingers, and a black leather-clad notebook appeared in his hands.  

“What is it that you need?” He asked, looking inquiringly from Lydia to his notebook and back. “Tessa would probably be the best choice anyway, but she might be preoccupied, and I’m not sure how I feel about sending you to Lorenzo’s clutches—”

“That’s alright,” Lydia said quickly. “I’m sure I’ll manage to find help on my own then, thank you High Warlock Bane.”

“It is no hardship, my dear. What is it?”

Lydia looked hesitant again. “I—, I don’t really need anything. I heard that Alec was injured, and I thought,” she shrugged, “I thought I’d pay him a visit.” 

“Oh yeah, he is not really up for taking guests yet,” Magnus frowned. Neither Alec nor Magnus had figured out the reason Alec had unexpectedly gotten worse, and Alec knew it was worrying Magnus.

“I’ll go then.”

“You can come in,” Magnus said after a bit of contemplation. “I have some amazing stories about your ancestors.”

“If you are sure.”

Alec smiled. He always enjoyed listening to Magnus’ stories.

It was also really nice to know Lydia as a friend, not a fiancėe. She was much like Isabelle, smart and fierce, and she was one of the first people to support him when he brought changes to the Clave.

“So as you know, your grandfather was a brilliant inventor, and your grandmother was the first female Consul. But do you know who brought them together?” Lydia raised her eyebrows. “Yours truly!”

“So what are you saying?” Alec had to come close to Magnus to hear the voice on the other side of the phone.

“This demon, he is the complete opposite of love; he’s the lack of love, the absence of love. And since love is told to be the greatest power…”

“He is weak?” Magnus proposed.

“No. He is extremely powerful. Like the same modulus with different sign.” Alec didn’t really get that part of Ragnor’s description, but Magnus seems to understand.

“Wouldn’t the opposite of the power of love be hate? Or resentment, or envy, anything of that kind?”

“They are not mutually exclusive,” Ragnor sighed. “From what I found, Leviathan feeds not on hatred, but on misery, loneliness. And it’s easier for him to get to his victims when they have no anchor, nothing holding them in this world.”

“So that’s why Iris kept repeating that nobody wanted Madzie. The demon feeds on this energy? Of those who are not loved?”

“That seems to be true. How is the girl anyway?”

“She is good from what I could get. Catarina took her in. Madzie is shaken and not really talkative, but she is becoming comfortable around her.”

“Small steps.”

They spent a couple of long minutes in silence, contemplating what they had found.

“But Alec, he is loved,” Magnus all but whispered. “He is not lonely nor abandoned.”

“I don’t know, I don't know, Magnus. Don’t blame yourself. Whatever you are doing is enough for him to still be breathing. That is good. We’ll figure it out.”

They hung up after that, Magnus falling down in a chair next to the bed, his elbows on his knees, head hanging low.

“I’m so sorry, darling. I’m sorry my love is not enough. I’m sorry I am not enough.”

Magnus was wrong though. It was not his fault Alec was still in that demon’s clutches. It was not anyone’s but his own. 

He never considered himself broken for this, but maybe, maybe he really was.

He was warm and comfortable. The room was bright, a little bit too bright, so he turned his head down, snuggling into a warm chest.

“Good morning, darling,” a rough voice sounded, and Alec felt warm weight settling on top of him, soft lips pressing to the crown of his head. He hummed in the answer, not willing to break this blissful silence with words. Even thoughts evaded him in this half-asleep state, everything that wasn’t warm, comfortable, safe, home, Magnus. 

The kisses went lower, passing his forehead, resting on each eyelid, along the brink of his nose and on its tip, until there was a pair of soft lips on his own, not going deeper or coaxing, just peppering feather-light kisses.

“Mags,” Alec weaved his arms around the warm body, pressing him closer, a wide grin tugging on the corners of his lips as his boyfriend nuzzled his cheek.

“Alexander,” came the breathless reply. 

Alec opened his eyes to look at Magnus, met by a pool of affection in his eyes, his face open and unguarded.

“Alexander,” he repeated, his face making a strange dance of scared-happy-hopeful-bracing himself and finally stopping on trust. “Alexander, I— I love you.”

Alec felt himself go still, the warmth and easiness he felt just a moment ago disappearing. That was what he feared. Magnus loved him, loved him, and he couldn’t return it, couldn’t answer him, couldn’t even smile at him, couldn’t…

“You don’t need to return it if you don’t feel the same,” Magnus started, but then he seemed to take in Alec’s expression once again and he rolled to the other side of the bed, swallowing audibly. “I’m sorry, Alexander, I—”

And he knew he was fucking it up. He always knew he’d eventually do it. But he let himself believe that they could make it work. Magnus opened himself to him, not only just now, but before, telling Alec about his other partners, people who left him, about his fear of being too much, how all he wanted was loved by someone the way he loved them, with no need to hold back. He wanted to be able to let his guards down and just be.

Ironically, it was something Alec couldn’t give him. He would hold Magnus, would accept everything he is, would celebrate every moment he was allowed to spend with him. He cared deeply for him, his chest being full of tenderness whenever Magnus said or did something, or smiled just so.

But he couldn’t be what Magnus wanted. He couldn’t love him the same way. And Magnus deserved it, deserved someone who would love him fully. It was a pity Alec wasn’t that someone. 

“I’m aromantic.” 

There, it was in the open now. 

It was good while it lasted. 

All good things come to an end anyways; that’s just how life is.

“Alexander…” It was hard to understand the look in Magnus' eyes. Confusion, hurt, hesitancy. “Okay,” he swallowed. “Can you… maybe explain further?”

Alec sighed. “Aromanticism means experiencing little or no romantic attraction to other people. It—”

“No, darling,” Magnus smiled, apparently intending to set his own emotions aside for later, shuffling to sit across from Alec on the bed, his face open and kind. “I know what it means in general. I want to know what it means to you specifically, if you are willing to tell me.”

“Okay.” That’s fair. He owed at least this to Magnus. “So, for me… I like kissing and cuddling and stuff.” He noticed how at these words tension faded from Magnus’ shoulders, and he seemed to breath in fuller than before. “You didn’t think I didn’t like that, did you?”

Magnus shrugged noncommittally, a smile on his lips looking fake and self-conscious. “I don’t exactly know what to think, darling.”

“Okay,” Alec said, eyeing him for a few moments. “Just so that I am clear, I totally liked everything.” He wanted to reach out and take Magnus’ hand, though he wasn’t sure if it was to comfort Magnus, or for his own comfort. “It was really good, I just—” why did words evade him in the most important moments? “I don’t know, you know?”

“I don’t know,” Magnus shook his head.

“Okay.” Alec wanted to hide his face in his hands, but this was important. “So, everything we did was good. Enjoyable. But when we started dating I don’t think I felt the… pull.” He watched Magnus’ face, searching for emotion, disappointment, but he just nodded. “It was more of a conscious choice. To date you. Magnus, you need to understand… Why is it so difficult,” he shook his head. “I like the crinkles in your eyes when you smile. I like how gentle you are with Madzie. I like how you make me feel safe, feel like I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not when I am with you. Even when you didn’t know everything,” he tried to smile, though he felt like he was about to cry. “But I don’t think what I feel is romantic.”

“What I feel for you is…” Alec stopped, pondering his thoughts, “a lot. More than that. Sometimes it’s like my chest is ready to burst from everything. It’s not something I’ve ever felt for anyone else, it’s—” he stopped, looking away, his tongue flicking across his lips, “alright, no, sorry, it’s not more than anything else I’ve felt. I was sure my heart would burst the first time I held Max,” his smile went from nervous to genuine. “I still get that feeling sometimes, not only with him. And what I feel for you, I don’t think that it’s less. My feelings for you are as large as they are for the other people I care about deeply. But they are also different. But they are not romantic.” He shook his head, looking down. “Or maybe they are, I don’t know. It’s not like I have a great frame for comparison. It feels like romantic is not the best-fitting word.”

They sat for a couple of minutes, lost in their thoughts.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Alec’s voice was small, almost a whisper. “I’m sorry I’m not what you expected. Not what you wanted.”

“Alexander,” Magnus breathed, moving closer, resting one of his hands on Alec’s cheek, the other on the back of his head. “You are everything I’ve ever wanted. Don't you doubt it.” The words were barely a whisper, but they didn’t need to be louder with how close two of them were. Magnus’ lips were barely inches from Alec’s and he stopped there, waiting for Alec to react. 

They looked at each other for a moment, and then Alec surged forward, pressing their lips together, once and once again.

“Okay?” Magnus asked as they parted, pressing their foreheads together.

“Yes,” Alec smiled.

“Okay.” Magnus sat back, though they were still closer than before. “You’ve already said it, but can we discuss it again, just for the peace of my mind?”

Alec hummed, squeezing his hand gently.

“Everything we did was fine?” He waited for the nod. “Hugs?” He wrapped his arms around Alec after his answering nod. “Cuddles?” A nod, and both of them fell down on the bed, laying side by side, their arms around each other. “Kisses?” Magnus smiled, dropping a kiss on the tip of Alec’s nose. “Romantic gestures in general?”

“I don’t know, if you mean something like filling the whole loft with doves because they are meant to be romantic then no.” Alec answered teasingly.

“Noted,” Magnus laughed. “Only lowkey romantic gestures.”

“That’s not what I really meant,” Alec looked away, gathering his thoughts. “I don’t want you to tone yourself down for me. I don’t want you to be lowkey. I want you to be you, alright?” he smiled. “You are not too much, Magnus. Everyone who ever told you that was just not enough.” 

Magnus’ eyes went glassy and he closed them, nodding silently.

“I’m alright with big romantic gestures, I like them. I was just trying to be funny.”

Magnus nodded again, clearing his throat. “Okay. So… Do you want to use different terminology? Would queer-platonic relationship be a better fit?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Alec sighed, not quite meeting Magnus’ eyes.

“What is it, darling? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing's wrong. It’s stupid, I just…”

Magnus hummed, tugging him closer. “It’s okay. You can tell me.”

“I just… like calling you my boyfriend,” he murmured.

“Oh darling, I like that very much too.”

“And… we are dating. Aren’t we?”

“Are you asking if we are breaking up?” Magnus looked down, waiting for the approving nod. “We are not, unless that’s something you want.”

“Okay,” Alec nodded, relieved. “So maybe it is actually queer-platonic, you know, because we are queer and any other attraction doesn’t cancel platonicness. But the term, it doesn’t really feel right.”

“Okay,” Magnus smiled. “So I can continue telling people you are my amazing boyfriend I am dating.”

“I think everyone you talk to already knows that,” Alec laughed.

“Hmm. I’ll have to meet new people and tell them.”

“Okay.”

They lied for a couple of minutes, until Magnus raised his head.

"There is one more question I'd like to ask you, if that's okay."

"Sure. Ask away."

Magnus breathed in, thinking about his words.

"Why didn't you tell me before? I don't mean to say that I am entitled to every litttle piece of you or that you should be telling me something you are not yet ready to share, but… you told me about your asexuality from the very beginning, why not this?”

Alec sighed. “It’s kind of… I knew I wanted to have a relationship… theoretically. I knew I was very open to dating you. I was sure I wanted to try. But I didn’t really know if I’d want the sex part, so I wanted, needed you to be alright with no sex if it turned out I didn’t want it. Does that make sense?”

“Okay,” Magnus nodded. “That actually does...”

After a couple of minutes Alec spoke again, not raising his head, his voice slightly muffled from where his face was pressed to Magnus.

“Magnus… I don’t know if what I feel is love, but it feels like that.”

“He’ll wake up, Magnus,” Catarina said, drawing gentle circles on his back.

“And what if he doesn’t, Cat?” Magnus asked, his voice small. “It’s been weeks! What if he doesn’t wake up? I don’t— I don’t know what to do then.” 

And now this was a good question. In all the time he’d been awake, kind of, Alec didn’t even think about it. Didn’t let himself think about it. He would do anything to find a way back to his body. He knew Magnus and Cat would do anything to bring him back. He knew Jace and Izzy would go to the end of the world for this. They were proving it right now, searching for a solution that might not even exist.

But what if it didn’t work? What if all their efforts were not enough? What if, after everything, he would be left like this; like a ghost, like a translucent parody of his past self.

Would he be like this till the end of the time? Would he need to watch not only his blood family die, but would he also, in this laughable form, outlive Magnus? Catarina, Simon, Raphael? Madzie?

He couldn’t even comfort them, couldn’t make any of this better, couldn’t protect them like he ought to.

He wouldn’t even be able to die. He wouldn’t be able to do anything. He never actually planned to die from his own hand, Shadowhunters die young enough as it is, but now that he didn’t even have the chance, it felt like one more blow to his stomach.

He’d go crazy long before that. Shadowhunters were not ones for relaxing and doing nothing, but he wasn’t good at taking a break even by their standards. Or rather, he was okay with it, for the last few years. But spending an eternity like this? It would drive him to madness.

Through the haze of his thoughts and fright, he heard a rustle and voices, one of them stronger and louder than the others. 

“What’s happening?”

He would know his parabatai ’s voice anywhere, and he raised his head at the question.

Alec hadn't noticed himself sliding down to the floor, but there he was now, leaning against the wall, with his legs curled, spinning the ring on his finger.

His parabatai looked like he just ran a hundred miles. His hair was windswept, his eyes frantic, fists clenching and unclenching.

“What’s that, Jace?” Both Magnus and Catarina stood, alarmed now.

Jace didn’t answer, going past them and closer to the bed, where Alec's body lay. He fell to his knees beside it, his eyes on Alec’s face.

“Jace?” Magnus asked again, coming closer.

“I thought…” Jace started, “I didn’t know what to think.” His eyes didn’t leave Alec, searching for something. “He was frantic. Terrified,” he said, pressing a hand to his left shoulder, where his parabatai rune was. “I thought he woke up. Or… or…”

“Nothing like that happened,” Catarina answered, her magic sweeping through Alec to check for anything wrong. “Nothing changed.”

“It’s Alec,” Jace said, his voice low. “I haven’t felt something like this from him for a while now. He doesn't freak out easily. It’s all very strange,” he said, looking up at Magnus and Catarina. “He doesn’t feel right. Or, more accurately, he feels exactly right.”

“What do you mean?” Magnus asked, his brows furrowed.

“He felt numb at first,” Jace stood up, moving to sit in the chair instead. “That was understandable. It feels a little like that when he sleeps. It feels like that when he is unconscious. But some time after that, he started feeling… just as he always does. Still mostly numb at nights, but the rest of the time… sometimes I forget he is like this. All because he feels as he usually does.”

Alec stared at him. This was good. If they found out he wasn’t actually unconscious, not fully, they would be able to do something with it. It was good.

Alec saw Cat’s brows knitting, the look of concentration on her face. She reached her hand once again, her magic sliding over Alec, concentrating around his head. “It’s funny you say that.” She withdrew her magic, turning to look at them. “Now that you mention it… His brain doesn’t react right.”

“What?” Magnus frowned.

“The brain reacts differently to magic whether the patient is conscious or not. I should have noticed that,” she murmured to herself. “It acts like Alec is fully himself, not like he is laying in a coma,” she looked up at them.

“And what does it mean for us?” Jace asked.

“That might mean a lot of things.”

“You don’t think…” Magnus looked at her alarmed.

“I don’t know,” Cat shook her head.

“What?” Jace snapped, looking between the two of them.

“It’s just a theory,” Magnus sighed. “It might be proven wrong. But there is a chance that the demon somehow managed to… split Alexander, shall we say?”

“Split?” Jace asked incredulously. Alec just stared at them. He wanted to believe they’d figure it out one way or another, but now that they were facing it… He was anxious for them to finally know.

“Split. His body and his soul. And with how close to the ley lines you were, it’s rather possible that one of the parts could be thrown into another reality. That might be why he reacts to magic like this. That might be why you feel him as if he was conscious, why you feel his emotions. That might be why he felt terrified. Something might be happening there.”

Thank Angel that wasn’t what actually happened. That would have been an even worse situation than the one he was in now. Alec laughed mirthlessly. Wait .

“Clary and I weren’t split when we went to the other reality,” Jace frowned.

“Well, you weren’t just hit by Leviathan either.”

Wait. If they thought a part of him was somehow lost they would go looking into it.

Not to mention Jace or Clary, or both, might start hopping from one universe to another, hoping to find him somewhere there. Their impulse control had gotten better in recent years, but it was not perfect.

He needed to do something before that happened.

It hadn’t worked when he tried in the past, but maybe it would now. He needed to try.

He came to the bed, laid down, and tried with all he had to make his lips move.

“I’m,” he started slowly. His lips didn’t want to obey, but that sure as hell wasn’t going to stop him. 

All the other voices fell silent, and he felt their gazes on him. 

“Alec?” 

He wasn't sure who was asking.

“I’m here. With you.”

Those were the best words he could think of to explain what was happening before he felt the dark spots going through the edges of his mind. His breathing was getting shallower, and even thinking about saying more was painful.

“What’s happening?”

It felt like a breath of fresh air. The headache ceased and he suddenly felt lighter than he did before.

Alec opened his eyes, really opened them this time.

“Alexander!”

“Hey, guys,” he smiled almost timidly. There were more people in the bedroom now, and he had only a moment to notice that before the breath he had just regained was squeezed out of him by everyone hugging him.

“You’re back!” Magnus whispered against his neck.

“I guess I am,” Alec smiled. That was confusing. He had tried doing this before, but it never worked. What changed?

“How are you feeling?”

“Erm,” Alec tried to inspect his feelings as everyone took their places around the bedroom, Jace on one side of him, Izzy, who had apparently come in after his first attempts to talk, on the other. Magnus, his eyes suspiciously glistening, was at the foot of the bed Next to him were Cat, Clary, and Simon. What were those two doing here? “Nice?”

He felt better than he had the last few weeks, more grounded, more stable. More alive

“So was that feeling I had just you being ready to finally wake up?” Jace asked, smiling down at Alec, and then looking briefly at Magnus and Catarina.

“Uh, no, not really.”

There was a lot he needed to tell them. It was fantastic to finally be able to do so.

Alec’s parents didn’t love each other. That was something he knew for a long time, even before he and his siblings found out about their father's mistress, before the divorce. That was something he knew since before Max was born, since before Izzy was too small to start training—and with Shadowhunters standards that was saying something.

He never actively thought about it when he was young. His parents were just… parents. It’s not like there was a huge frame of comparison for loving couples in Alec’s life. 

But it was still something that was apparent when looking back.

Alec didn’t really know where he got his idea of love. Maybe it was the mundane cartoons, and later movies, Izzy dragged him to watch. And so what if she scoffed at any notice of romance and even more at “damsel in distress” characters, while Alec had more interest in male romantic interests than usual for a teenage boy?

Those film sessions were something Isabelle would now look back at with amusement and understanding. “That,” she would say, “That should have been my clue. All this time, all the romance and stuff seemed irrational and unnecessary, and I didn’t have a clue why.” 

She told him once that understanding it all felt strangely good and bad. She felt more smart and mature than their peers , not lusting after random guys or gushing about their smiles, but at the same time, it left her feeling lacking. Like everyone shared a secret she wasn’t in on.

Alec could understand that, though he couldn't relate. He did struggle with his sexuality, but he knew he’d choose a guy over a girl any day pretty early on.

While he denied it as well as he could for a long time and pretended to be a perfect heterosexual Lightwood heir, there came a time where he started researching. Institute tablets weren’t good for something so private, so he would sneak to a mundane library and search through the blogs and posts in the most secluded corner he could find.

He first read about not feeling sexual or romantic attraction around that time. It was around half a year later before he understood it actually applied to him; a year before Izzy burst into his room with a pair of new rings on her fingers. That was around four years before he accepted (kind of) who he was and told her there were two aroace children in the Lightwood family.

Though there were maybe more than two; at the age of eleven, Max was more interested in comics than anything else, and Angel knew Jace never sat to reflect on his feelings long enough to find out something like that about himself.

Alec knew about his orientation for a long time. Like many things, he preferred to keep this information locked in the far corner of his mind.

If you asked Alec, having a label was… nice. If you asked Alec five years ago, it was confusing and brought more questions than answers.

Putting a label on himself felt rather useless and daunting for a long time. 

He had never felt broken, which, admittedly, was a strange thing. He was rather inclined to think that about himself in all other cases. But when Jace talked about his new girlfriend's ass or breasts, or when Andrew offhandedly mentioned a guy's strong thighs or looked too long when a male trainees bent over (which Alec suspected for a long time wasn’t due to envy), Alec would just shake his head, laughing.

He was surprised when Jace told him he had sex, but more in a ‘ oh we are at the having sex age now? crazy’ way. Why would he feel broken if he just… wasn’t interested in anyone? Yet . Someone would come along, no big deal. And until then, he had better things to do.

Pretty much the same thing happened with romance. Alec just didn't have time for it, and neither did he have any strong urge to look for it. Shadowhunter training was time consuming as it was and putting troublesome siblings into the mix left him with barely enough time to sleep. Alec kind of dreaded the day he'd need to make time for a new person, even though he rarely stopped to think how he would find them. 

There were no problems a label would solve, no questions it would answer. And admitting to himself that the label fit brought a whole lot of both.

Was he really— asexual, aromantic, a-spec, any? Maybe he was demi. Maybe he was gray. How was he supposed to know when he interacted only with his siblings, demons, and paperwork?

Was he repulsed by sex? Aversed? Favorable? Did he really want to find out? The idea of it wasn’t repulsive, but the idea and the reality were two different things. 

At least his questions were easier to answer with romance. He wasn’t repulsed by it… Or maybe he was. Who knew? Again, idea and reality. At least the idea seemed much more appealing.

Overall, the situation was much more complicated than “I’m not questioning anything and we’ll see how it goes”. And Alec was very good at not poking at his internal stuff unless absolutely needed to.

“Alec?”

“Mother?” Maryse was… not the person Alec expected to see the first time he was the one to get the door in weeks.

“I was told you were unconscious.”

“That,” how do you explain this shitstorm of a situation in a few words?, “was true till recently.”

“Are you well then?” she wore her usual cold expression, but it seemed like there was something else going on, something different flickering in her eyes. 

And Alec… Alec wasn’t well. He could be in his body now; and it was an immense pleasure to feel himself human again, something Alec had never thought of, but after spending all that time as a plotless spirit, he could appreciate that.

Though there needed to be several people staying with him for him to be able to walk around, talk, eat, and generally operate as himself, and it still exhausted him. It was as if he was making a conscious effort to stay in his own body, and not… simply inhabiting it.

And he couldn’t go far from the loft. Magnus said that might be because of some sort of an emotional anchor.

And isn’t it ironic that this was his anchor; the place where he lived for a few years, rather than the Institute, where he had spent more than two decades.

It made sense, sure. This was a place where he got to let himself go, where he got to stop being a perfect Lightwood, and be himself. To cuddle Chairman and Magnus without the need to comfort and protect, but just for the sake of it. To laugh at the dumb puns, to joke around, to relax. To find out who he was outside of the Institute and the Shadow World, who he was as a person. 

He grew up in the Institute, that was true, but he has grown here in ways he didn’t know existed.

“He is not well, Mom,” Izzy came up behind Alec. 

While Magnus, Catarina and Ragnor holed up in Magnus’ apothecary, thinking of a permanent solution for Alec’s problem, Izzy and Jace kept him company. The Institute was left to Andrew for the time being, and Alec genuinely felt sorry for the man, both for unexpectedly being left in charge and for dealing with Alec’s siblings for so long. Angel, Alec needs to give him a week's leave once he is back. 

Max, Clary, and Simon had tagged along as well, all of them playing some video game or another in the living room. Alec felt guilty that they were lazing around while Magnus and his friends worked on the solution, but they reassured him there was nothing he could do just yet, and that recovering and reconnecting was what might help him get fully back. “Even if he was, he would deserve some recovery time. And he is still fighting off a greater demon, so it would be great if you didn’t intrude on the process.”

Izzy’s relationship with Maryse was never great. She had always been a father’s girl, and for as many expectations their mother had for Alec, there were almost as many, though different in nature, for Isabelle.

Maryse had started doing better though. Or at least Alec hoped so. A couple of days before that fateful patrol, they even went out for coffee. Though, as far as Alec knew, Maryse didn’t try to reconnect with either of his siblings. Still, after five years of cold war it was nice to have his mother back. Or to have a chance of having her back, of restoring the relationships that weren’t actually there, of building them even better and stronger. 

Maryse seemed to be rethinking her opinions a lot lately. That, if Clary was to be believed, might have been credited to her recent companionship with Luke. Though Alec had no idea how a conservative ex-Circle member living in Alicante who bristled at everything out of the norm and a leader of New York's werewolf pack could get together even to just be friends.

She had apologized to Alec when they met, for not being there for him when he needed her. She seemed to have genuinely thought about the beliefs she held, and she said that maybe what she considered the right path might not be the only one.

“Izzy?” Maryse raised her eyebrows as Jace came to the door too. “Jace?”

“Hey, Mom,” Max called, not leaving his match against Simon.

“Don’t you all need to—” she started, before shaking her head. “Don’t mind it. I’m pleased to see you are doing better, Alec.” She nodded at him, turning around to go back to the lift.

Alec looked briefly at Izzy and Jace, before calling out, “Mom!”

“Yes?” She turned around.

“Do you want to… hang out with us for a bit?”

She hesitated for a moment before nodding. “I don’t believe I have anything pressing right now.”

Alec smiled. This might not turn out to be the best idea, but who knows, maybe it’ll be exactly what all of them need.

“So, we just stand in a circle, think about our eternal and unbreakable love for Alec, you sing your wizardry songs and that’s all? He is back?”

Simon was probably trying to lighten the atmosphere, but it didn't really work. 

“You’ve missed the part,” Jace said, glowering, “where we summon a greater demon, hoping we manage to free Alec, and not let it take Alec completely. Or anyone else, for that matter.”

That seemed to only strengthen the morose mood.

“Hmm, yeah, it doesn’t sound that good if you put it like that,” Simon said, his enthusiasm dampened quite a bit.

That was when the doorbell rang, and Alec went to take the door.

“Come in.”

The crowd slowly filled the living room. They planned to later move to the rooftop, but for now they were gathering here.

Their plan was insane. But it was the best they had managed to come up with.

“Alec!” 

“Mum.” It was nice seeing her again. Despite his fears, the afternoon she spent with them went rather well, absolutely nothing like any of the previous interactions they had in the last two decades.

Time passed in a flurry of moments after that; clapping Andrew on his back, spinning Max in his hands, shaking hands with the Downworld leaders, hugging the friends Alec hasn’t seen for a while.

“Good to see you back,” Raphael said, shaking Alec’s hand. They grew closer in these last years, bonding over their care for Magnus. They started off a rocky bagining, all with Raphael believing Alec would be the next one to break Magnus’ heart, but as the years went by Alec seemed to earn his trust.

“Not back yet,” Alec shook his head.

Raphael nodded seriously, going back to where the other members of his clan were. There were not a whole lot of vampires: Raphael himself, Simon, Lily, and a couple of the others, with whom Alec was in contact with.

Their plan was simultaneously extremely dangerous and almost childish in nature.

Then again, with how many top-notch warriors, both Shadowhunters and Downworlders, were here, it shouldn’t be too difficult to banish the demon if something goes wrong.

“Hey everyone,” Magnus’ voice sounded over all the voices in the room. “Everyone is here now, and we are ready to begin, so up to the rooftop, if you please.”

With so many people in attendance, Magnus decided to draw the summoning circle not in the apothecary, or even in the living room, as he would usually, but on the rooftop.

Alec hoped that didn’t mean they’d stop having dinners up there, distracted by the memories of this hard time and summoning a greater demon. It used to be a nice spot to spend an evening, with the fresh air, the slight chill of the evening, and lots of plants Magnus had arranged in a beautiful composition.

Now the rooftop wasn't a small heaven with plush loveseats, candles, and blankets, but rather, a fighting field.

Up there, Ragnor, Catarina, and Magnus were going through the spell they would cast. In the time since Alec first managed to talk to them, they had made some progress in their research. Knowing what was going on with Alec had helped them invent a completely new spell.

And here was the kicker. They had no idea if it would work. They had no idea if the Leviathan would return whatever he took from Alec that prevented him from being whole, if he could even do that, or if the link between his body and his soul would break completely

They agreed that the fact Alec could inhibit his body, for any amount of time, was a good sign. Alec wanted to believe it.

He felt energy thrumming under his skin. While big gatherings usually exhausted him, right now it felt like each person here was sharing some of their life energy with Alec.

Well, apparently that was exactly what they were doing.

“Nervous?” Jace asked, clapping him on the shoulder. Alec gave him an unimpressed look, and Jace snorted. “We’ve got you, buddy.”

“Thanks,” Alec smiled, tugging Jace into a hug. “I love you, parabatai. You know that, right?”

“Sure.”

“Oi, why are you being snuggly here all alone,” Izzy wrapped her hands around both of them, tucking her face in Alec’s neck. 

Alec wiggled a bit, and wrapped his hands around both her and Max, who joined them as well.

“I love you, guys. Thank you for being in my life.”

“We love you too, big bro.”

“I’m proud of you too. You’ve all become—”

“Alec,” Izzy said sharply. “ This, ” she tried to show with her hands, but they were still pressed somewhere between their bodies, “is not a goodbye.” She looked at him, eyes glistening. “You are coming back to us once we deal with this little demon problem.”

“Alexander.” Alec felt a new set of hands wrapping around his waist, and as he raised his face, here Magnus was. 

“I love you,” was the only thing he could think of saying.

“I love you too.” Magnus' eyes were a little glassy, and his smile was tired, but his face seemed to be alight with feelings. 

And then their lips were together; Alec’s chapped against Magnus’ soft ones, their bodies pressed together now that Alec’s siblings left them to it.

“We are bringing you back. Do you hear me?” Magnus whispered hotly. “You have no other choice but to get back. Even if we need to go to Edom or whatever shithole that bastard inhabits.”

“Okay,” Alec said simply. He believed him. He’d be back in no time.

“Should we start?” Magnus asked after a few minutes passed, leaning in to squeeze Alec again before standing straighter.

“Hey everyone,” Alec raised his voice a bit, and all the heads turned to him. It was nice, not being invisible anymore. ”I just wanted to say… Thank you for coming here today. Whatever happens, I am thankful to have all of you in my life.”

“Come on, boss, don't start that, it’s gonna be good.” 

“Sure thing,” Alec felt his smile widening. Andrew was always one to be positive even in bad situations. 

“Okay, everyone, please, stand around the circle,” Magnnus said, gesturing around.

“Aren’t there too many of us?” Aline asked, eyeing the crowd. And it was indeed a crowd. There were around three dozen people standing on the roof Downworlders and Shadowhunters alike who came to help Alec. People he talked to on a daily basis—not just his siblings and Magnus, but most of the Shadowhunters of the New York Institute. Lydia Branwell and Jia Penhallow came from Alicante, and even the Blackthorns came from LA. Magnus’ friends, who had welcomed Alec into their close-knit unit and became his friends as well, were here too. A lot of the members of the New York Downworld came, ones Alec met regularly, and those he saw just a couple of times. 

“Well, maybe we haven’t thought it through,” Magnus said, eyeing the crowd with uncertainty.

“That’s alright,” Ragnor’s gruff voice sounded as he came to clap Magnus on the shoulder and nod at Alec. “Stand in two circles,” he said louder. “Two concentric circles around the summoning circle.”

Okay. They were doing it. Okay.

They had discussed everything they were to do, time and time again. It should work.

Alec tried to push down the anxiety that was rising in him. There were no reasons to worry. They had faced Valentine, and for all that he was a genocidal maniac, he was powerful. They had faced the army of Edom out to destroy Alicante; he had killed a billion demons in his career, and this wouldn’t be the first time he would face a greater one. 

And unlike all the previous times the stakes weren’t that high. He was sure that Leviathan wouldn’t be able to break out of the circle, and even if he did, three dozen strong and dangerous people would be there to banish him.

And Alec, well. Alec would be inside the circle, alone if something goes wrong. Hell, they couldn’t even be sure this would work if everything went according to the plan.

There was no point in worrying about it though. If it worked, it worked, if not, well. Shadowhunters were raised to pass away in battle against darkness. It wouldn’t be too bad to go like this; surrounded by people he loved and who loved him, knowing they were safe and happy.

With that thought, Alec went to his prearranged place.

“Is he gonna be there?” Maryse asked from where she stood between Jace and Jia. “ In the circle?”

“Yes, this is part of the plan,” Catarina said, her voice cold and formal. Maryse looked unpersuaded but didn’t say anything else.

From what they knew about Iris’ ritual, the demon was supposed to take Madzie’s soul, leaving her body behind. Unlike most other demons and rituals, he doesn’t need a willing soul, someone willing to trade with a greater demon. All he needed was someone who wasn’t held back by anything. Someone who had nothing and no one to love, who no one would miss… 

Apparently that was true about Madzie (and wasn’t that a horrifying thought? No child should live like that). However, it wasn’t true about Alec. And still, Leviathan managed to mess with him. They weren’t sure on the specifics; if he took some part of Alec’s life energy, if he broke the link connecting Alec’s life and body, if he’d be able to claim Alec once enough time passed for people to forget him—however long it took. 

They weren’t getting the answers though. Everyone was itching to act, to bring Alec back, and he was ready to return.

They researched as much as possible and thought this through as well as they could. They couldn’t do more, not without actually summoning Leviathan and trying to mend whatever was broken.

It was Ragnor who came up with the two-circle strategy. They needed to summon Leviathan, and they needed to give Alec as strong of an anchor to his life as possible. And for the ritual they needed all of the energy from those who came projected to Alec, so it would be better if he was in the center.

So here Alec was, standing in the middle of the summoning circle, surrounded by runes that would protect him and keep Leviathan from entering the innermost circle. Instead, he was to appear between the runed inner circle and the outer ones. 

The plan wasn’t foolproof. But, should something go wrong, Alec had weapons to defend himself and more than thirty people ready to diminish Leviathan into nothingness 

Alec looked around. Everyone took their positions, holding hands, ready to start.

Magnus, Cat, Ragnor stood at equidistant points around the circle. And there were the others:

His siblings and mother. 

Clary, who he had grown fond of. 

Simon, who, like Clary, was an annoying pest at first, but turned out to be a great friend and a great help in organizing mundanish dates for Magnus.

The leaders of the Downworld Cabinet, who held his respect as well as friendship. 

The Blackthorns were here as well, except for their youngest one.

Aline and Helen, whose wedding he recently attended. What they did was revolutionary. 

Alec was still surprised that even Jia was here, having left her duties of the Council for the evening.

There were others too.

Ava, the werewolf he brought to Luke's pack after finding her on the verge of death, comforted when she was settling in her new life, and went on drinks with every other month.

Elijah, a vampire he had managed to get out of a sticky situation and direct towards the clan, who dropped by the Institute every now and then with Simon. 

The owner of Taki’s, Amelia; an old lady who grew fond of Alec as he helped her out a couple of times when he was younger, and was forever friendly afterwards.

Sianne, a seelie who taught a dance class he took Magnus to once. Alec stepped on Magnus’ feet a lot that day, but Sianne was positive and encouraging. It was a nice memory.

Tessa and Jem came too, wanting to be there for Alec.

He saw Andrew and Sam, and a lot, most of his people. It was good being with them again.

"Alright, everyone,” Magnus said, “when the demon arrives you need to concentrate on your feelings for Alec. Think of your memories about him, of all the times he was an amazing brother, friend, and leader. Picture all the things he did to make our world a better place, truly better."

Alec looked around one last time. He had so many people that cared to come here today, who cared about him. His throat squeezed painfully, eyes burning with unshed tears.

And his chest was full of love.

He nodded, and Magnus nodded back. It would all be good.

Three voices sounded, words in a long-forgotten language calling to Leviathan, summoning him to this world, binding him to their will. 

At first nothing happened. And then it was like the air was electrifying, tension rising around them as the warlocks’ incantation grew louder and stronger.

“Oh, little nephilim,” A man appeared, looking Alec in the eyes, right out of the range of runes around him. “You’d taste so sweet if you let yourself go. Forget about them all, just a foul taste in my mouth.”

The incantation sounded even stronger. 

“Just leave him alone, you bunch of rotten goatshit.”

Yeah, Jace, that’s how you get rid of a greater demon.   

Leviathan didn’t pay attention to the outside circle though, his attention fully on Alec.

“Come on,” he said. “I give you the chance to escape pain; to escape lies, betrayal, rejection, and all the loneliness.”

Each word was like a drop of lead falling on Alec’s heart, the weight of the world falling on his shoulders, bending him down, forcing him to his knees.

“You used to feel it, I know, and you will once again, that’s just a matter of time. Don’t you see, I’m merciful, trying to spare you the pain? Isn’t it better to end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks? Is it better to grunt and sweat under a weary life, to know that at the end of the day you’ll come to the exact same thing, knuckles bloody from exertion, just to silence the pain in your chest. Do you wish to be left for someone not so painfully mortal, someone who won’t gray with age, whose body won’t go soft and slack? Will these people respect and love you when you are unable to provide for them?”  

Alec laughed, heaviness lifting from his shoulders. “Yeah,” he whispered. “You kinda missed the point.”

Something dangerous lit in the demon’s eyes. Then the human form dissolved into a cloud of black smoke, circling around. 

All the lightness Alec felt was gone, and he ached as if he had been punched in the gut. Images flashed through his mind, his whole body alight with feelings.

Bile rose in him as Jace talked about how unnatural it was to be with someone of the same gender, and why anyone would choose that. He wasn’t even talking specifically about Alec, and still, Alec felt dizziness and despair of the rejection yet to come.

Memories bombarded him:

His parents telling him he was a disappointment—for caring about the Downworlders, for being gay, for ruling the Institute and going against everything they believe in.

The despair he felt standing on the altar in front of Lydia, knowing he’d never get his fairytale ending, knowing that however much he thought and planned and worked, he wouldn’t win.

The betrayed look on Magnus’ face when Alec told him they needed to break up. He didn’t want it, he couldn’t break Magnus’ heart but it was the right thing to do.

The terrible feeling of being not enough when he realized the ring in his pocket and his whole heart were not enough to make Magnus happy.

Max, bitter and angry, telling him to stop caring so damn much, that Alec wasn’t his parent and had no right to tell him what to do.

The first time he understood he’d never feel the love he craved. All the nights he spent thinking that maybe he was wrong, that maybe he could fall in love, he just hadn’t gotten a chance yet. 

That time all the Downworlders he knew and respected, whose respect he had earned, snarled at him after the whole Soul Sword affair, their eyes alight with spite and disdain.

He was on his knees now, the darkness swirling around him, only held back by the runes encircling him.

Harsh words and hard faces raced through his mind as feelings of disappointment and despair, of fear and loneliness raced through his heart.

He recalled the image of this same roof from years before; standing on the edge, looking into the void, craving to know if it would look back. 

It might have been a spell, but the intention was his own.

And then the other memories started overpowering:

A drawing Izzy made for his sixth birthday. 

Waking up snuggled with all of his siblings, Izzy's hair in his face, the whole weight of Max's body on his chest, and the warm weight of his parabatai on his side.

The lunch he went to with his mother before all of this started, and how she said she was proud of him. 

—With each memory, a ray of sunlight burned through the darkness, connecting Alec with people he loved— 

Coming to Taki’s to celebrate the acceptance of the new Accords that made the life of so many people better. Luke clapping him on his shoulder and Raphael telling Alec he was mistaken at first. 

Playing board games in the Institute, being surprised and delighted that such an idle activity found a home here, in a place where he was taught that anything aside from working and fighting demons was not a privilege a Shadowhunter could indulge in. 

A huge surprise party on his 25th birthday (he thought he would hate it, but he really, really didn't).

Bittersweet memories of his loved ones crowding his unconscious body, their faces so full of pain, their hearts so full of love

The memories followed one another so fast he couldn't pay attention to all of them, but he felt the warmth, acceptance, fondness, and love that came with them. 

The darkness that was previously surrounding him changed into a light so bright he couldn't look at it, like one can't look at the sun; it dazzled him, making him feel light and ready to face the whole world.

And then it was over. He was still on his knees in the middle of the circle, while Leviathan was nowhere to be seen. 

"Did it work?" Someone asked, and Alec shrugged. He felt real, settled, the weird feeling of vertigo gone. 

"I—", he coughed, clearing his throat, "I think so."

"We need to check if you can leave the building," Magnus said. He seemed to be clutching Jace and Clary's hands.

"Portal?" Ragnor suggested, but Magnus shook his head. 

"It might be dangerous if it doesn't work out."

"Okay," Alec nodded, standing up. "I'll just—" he nodded to the staircase that led down to the loft. He tried not to look at anyone, not ready to let himself believe he was truly back.

He went downstairs, attentive to each change in his feelings, but there were none. He walked through the loft’s front door. It felt nice to be out of the apartment for the first time in a while. 

He took the stairs down, opting out of using the lift, and walked out of the building. 

Alec was fairly sure that was enough of a distance, but he wanted to be sure. 

Taking the stele from his pocket, he activated a speed rune—and oh, he didn't know he would miss the burning sensation of it. 

The wind was cool on his face as Alec ran through the neighborhood before turning back. A wide smile tugged his lips as he came near the building. 

"Hey," he called, and everyone on the rooftop concentrated on him, someone peering dangerously over the railing. He waved at them. 

He couldn't hear what was being said up there, but a moment later, a portal swirled next to him. He quickly found himself in a group hug that only grew with each new person coming through the portal.

“Hey, guys,” he laughed freely. With Magnus tucked against him and pressing his face into Alec’s shoulder, with Max tucked under his right arm, with Izzy hugging him from the left side, with Jace clinging to him from the back, and with all his friends around him, he felt like he could let himself be carefree for a moment.

“Never do this to us again,” Magnus whispered against Alec’s neck.

“I’ll try not to,” Alec smiled.

“Nothing of that,” Jace said, “No tries. Never even think of it.”

“Okay,” Alec laughed. He would never choose to relieve this experience, but the life of a Shadowhunter was unpredictable and dangerous. Still, he’d do anything in his power to keep far away from strange summoning circles.

“Okay, so, I guess it’s time for us to go?” Simon said after a while, his voice sounding somewhere from Alec’s left. “You guys need time to reunite and all that.”

Alec looked up, looking at Magnus, at Izzy and Max, all of them giving him encouraging smiles, and then at the group of people currently pressed together in a hug. “Please, everyone, stay, if you are able to do so. I can’t express how grateful I am, both for what you did today and for having you in my life. We can celebrate you all being amazing people, and having me in your life?” There was a smile tugging his lips; he couldn’t remember feeling quite so good. He felt more alive than he ever had before. It was as if the energy of all these people he loved and was devoted to was giving him strength to live for hundreds of years. 

They had a party after that. Maybe not a party, per se, but a large get together; laughing, drinking hot beverages of choice, and playing silly board games.

After a while, some Shadowhunters went to the Institute to attend patrols, and some of the others started going home too, coming to Alec first, hugging him close and saying how happy they were to have him back.

It wasn’t a fairytale ending, but this, what Alec had here, was even better.