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Seconds changed lives, he thought, as he pulled on a white button-down shirt that no longer fit him. It was tight around the biceps, and all he could think about was the repetition of his days. Exercise, yard, menial tasks, and back to a cell with a crappy bed... Over and over again. He hadn't bothered to keep track. He hadn't wanted to do the maths. Why bother when it was a lifetime? More than he thought...
He used to wish for a change in his day.
But then one came.
And it wasn't like he hadn't seen horrible news before about his home. Emmerdale. He knew exactly when it'd turned from hell to home, but he couldn't think about that now -- he couldn't think of anything else. He heard the ghost of a laugh and saw the vague idea of rosy cheeks...
Only he couldn't picture it because he hadn't looked at the grainy picture on the paper. He'd only seen her name really -- different yet correct -- and in one second, his world was once again devastated.
He couldn't think it, not even now, as he pushed his feet into shiny shoes he'd only worn twice in the life that was before... That he'd destroyed. But they were meant to remain. All of them. Especially her, only older than his son, she wasn't...
She was only just starting to live.
Liv.
He closed his eyes.
"Sudgen, the bus is here."
He hurried to get the suit jacket on, stuffed his tie in his pocket, and stepped out. The guard nodded and held up the cuffs. He really wondered if he was a flight risk? He almost wished he was? But no...
He'd serve his time.
Punishment deserved.
He ignored the voice in his head that whispered the brother.
It was a long ride to Emmerdale.
He sat down in the back of the bus.
And tried not to think about how no one would want him there.
~~~
Emmerdale is quiet when they drive into and up to the church. The town looks deserted, and Robert stared at the building and knew. He was the only one missing. Or was he? He looked around, and a breeze hit him, late autumn and cool, and Emmerdale was green and blue around him, stone houses and sunshine. It'd be a beautiful day, but it couldn't...
And he was angry it was.
He was angry. He had no joy at the space, freedom, and air.
"Going in?" the guard asked him, gruff and annoyed by the door.
He swallowed.
He shouldn't, should he?
He could find somewhere to watch the funeral from far away.
He'd done it before.
You're braver than me. He'd said that, or something like that once, to stop her crying, meaning it all the same. He clenched his jaw and tried to ignore that he was cuffed, the chains would rattle, and everyone would turn to see who'd come in late.
Who'd be late for her?
But he stepped forward and let the guard push open the doors.
The reverend at the podium stopped midsentence at the intrusion.
The whole town turned to look.
He walked in, and his eyes fell on the bloody coffin.
His stomach turned, and something sour was on his tongue. But he made his way to the closest seat and nodded the Reverand, a man he did not know to continue. He felt the eyes, though, but he stared straight head because it was only her on his mind in the second.
None of the words spoken penetrated his mind until he heard Aaron's name. He blinked and saw Aaron walking to the front, head down, pieces of paper in his hands. They were shaking, Robert could tell from the back, and when Aaron lifted his head up a bit as he got to the podium, it was clear his eyes were puffy and red.
Robert clenched his hands.
"Um..." Aaron took a breath and another.
He was struggling.
Robert felt like he couldn't breathe either.
"Um... I tried to write down, but..." Aaron let out a hard exhale.
"You don't have to do this..." Paddy's voice carried down the aisle, some murmurs of understanding, but Robert frowned. They were wrong. Aaron needed to...
"Aaron, look at me," he said it loudly, and he knew he needed to, but it was loud. Especially in the church. Especially to himself after he barely spoke on his day-to-day.
There were shocked murmurs.
But Aaron snapped his head up.
Robert locked eyes with him and mouthed. "Just love her."
Aaron's eyes closed, and he took a steadier breath. Dropped the papers. Robert watched one float to the floor. And Aaron spoke...
And again Robert processed nothing, but he saw Aaron's face, Aaron's eyes, and Aaron's small tiny smile and heard the bits of pieces he needed ot hear about Liv...
"I loved my little sister...I just hope she knew how much..." Aaron's eyes landed on him.
Robert nodded.
A small smile followed by a stream of tears.
Aaron walked down, and Vinny Dingle walked up.
And Robert got lost in his own grief again.
He startled when everyone stood up and waited for the church to clear before he started to his feet, and he was barely there when Victoria barrelled into him. Holding on tight. The guard coughed, and Vic glared at the man and continued to hug him. "Why didn't you tell me?"
He just shrugged.
Vic sighed and wiped at her eyes. "Are you?"
"No..." He shook his head, grateful she hadn't finished the question.
She nodded.
They slowly walked toward the graveyard, and Robert realized her grave would be near his mother's. He swallowed over a hard lump as he glanced at his mum's grave. He should have visited her more often when he lived within walking distance.
He shouldn't have left.
But he did.
This was a horrible exception to that leaving. One tiny step back in. He'd be out again soon enough. He caught sight of Aaron, wiping his eyes, not talking with a yammering Paddy who stood near him, and he frowned.
There was something missing...
He glanced around.
"She's not here," Vic said.
He looked at his sister and realized he hadn't hugged her back hard enough. Too in shock and too... Afraid to really see her. But she was alive and still -- and he wanted an irrational promise. "Don't die while I'm in there."
Vic blinked, nodded, and wiped tears off her face. "You either."
He looked down, and then the reason he'd looked at her hit again. "Wait, Chas isn't here?"
Vic nodded.
He opened his mouth to ask, but the reverend began to speak.
And he knew that even while at the funeral, there was no way of truly saying goodbye, and he wondered the point. Nothing could give you closure or peace about the loss of life.
It was over.
People dispersed.
Vic tried to drag him toward Keepers.
But Aaron appeared.
She hugged him again, hard, and he realized the cuffs kept him from hugging her back, but he leaned into her as much as he could. The guard coughed again, but Vic just scoffed. Then she gave Aaron a sad smile and walked away.
Aaron stared at him. Wet eyes made his eyes look bluer.
He'd forgotten Liv's face a bit, Vic's, everyone else's, but not Aaron's.
It was the face etched in his soul.
"Hi ya..." They said in unison.
Aaron snorted through a sob. "How did you, did Vic..."
"Paper."
Aaron went still at that. "I'm sorry."
"You're sorry..." Robert huffed. "Aaron, I'm so..."
"Don't..." Aaron shook his head. "I can't hear it. I can't keep hearing it."
"Alright."
Aaron nodded and scuffed his toe into the dirt below them. "Thank you for being at the church."
"It was nothing."
Aaron's head snapped up, and he shook his head.
"It wasn't... This shouldn't have...." Robert felt his chin go as it all hit him again, the thing he was refusing to think, despite where he was because this was the one thing that could take him where he was...
He wasn't supposed to see them again.
But not like this.
"I never really said goodbye..." Robert heard himself mutter.
"Not just to her..." Aaron winced at his words.
"Fair."
"How long?" Aaron asked.
"Two hours," the guard answered.
"That's it..." Aaron stared at the man.
"Long way back, sir."
Aaron nodded.
"Can we be left alone?"
Guard shook his head, but he let out a sigh. "I'll take a walk, but I got to stay in sight."
"I'd appreciate it," Aaron said.
They sat down on a bench. And were quiet for a long time. Maybe too long, but Robert couldn't find a way to break it, and they were both staring at the plot on the ground.
"It's going to say, wife and sister..." Aaron said with a sobby breath. "She was more, though."
"A lot more, more than she knew..."
Aaron nodded.
"She told me...she told me I found her, I saved her."
"You did."
"Not alone..." Aaron reached over and took his hand. Despite the weirdness of the cuffs keeping them together in the front. And Robert felt embarrassed and wrong -- and remembered he'd left them behind.
"You aren't alone, are ya?" he asked.
Aaron looked away.
"Is he here?"
"Italy...long story."
Robert swallowed the jealousy. "Your mum..."
"I can't deal with that..."
Robert nodded.
"I'm staying here, almost thought I might move back, but..."
"You live in Italy."
Aaron nodded.
Robert smiled, but it wasn't with all of him. It never could be with him.
Their fingers intertwined.
"Vic told ya, yeah? About Luke?"
Robert shook his head.
"If..."
"It's a long shot, and the truth is I did it, Aaron. I meant to hurt him."
"Deserved it, though..." Aaron muttered.
"I've hurt people that didn't."
"Loved me, though..." Aaron trailed off; it was a question, and Robert felt it like a punch.
"I fucking do love you..." He snapped. "And her and Vic..."
Aaron stared at him.
"I always will..." His voice lowered, and he looked at the grave. "I hope she knew."
"She knew, and despite herself, she loved ya too."
Robert snorted. "Easier to hate me."
"No, it's not," Aaron leaned into him.
Robert closed his eyes.
"Fight, Robert."
"What?"
"Long shot or no... Life is tiny, and you deserve to have one."
Robert clenched his jaw.
"You do."
"You do," Robert breathed. "He good enough for you?"
Aaron rolled his eyes. "I'm the troublemaker."
Robert shook his head.
Aaron gave him a genuine smile.
Their eyes caught.
And their lips touched.
Smiles as they broke apart.
"Will never stop..." Aaron half said under his breath.
"Sugden..."
They both stared at the guard.
"It can't have been..." Aaron argued.
Guard tapped his watch.
They stood, and Aaron ran his hands up Robert's chest and started to undo his tie. "You don't need this anymore."
"Guess not."
Aaron slipped it into his pocket.
"Soft," Robert whispered.
Aaron blushed.
"Live..." His voice broke. "For her, Liv."
"You too...fight."
"Don't get in my head..."
"Sugden," the guard said.
Robert sighed.
Aaron's mouth caught it, and they kissed one more time. A whisper.
Aaron walked away.
There was, once again no goodbye.
And Robert hoped there were never be a need for one in his lifetime.
He looked at the grave and held a hand up to guard. "Just one more minute."
He walked over and sighed. "I made it to your funeral, yeah. So, when I go, you better be there, with my mum, waiting, alright. See ya, Liv."