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Alex was a good friend.
He knew that he was a good friend because he hadn’t murdered Tom yet.
Sometimes, Alex thought, that was all it took to be a good friend. Especially when your friend had taken it upon himself to decide that you needed to start dating someone and would occasionally tell you to dress up for a day out, only to dump you outside a coffee shop in much the same way that you left a dog at the sitters on your way to a holiday.
Today, Alex suspected, was going to be one of those days.
“It’s going to be a great day!” Tom argued, from the driver’s seat, “I don’t see what you’re complaining about. There’s breakfast at this cute little place I found, and then you can walk through the park and feed the ducks, and then you can stop off at that burger place you like in the centre of town, before catching the 3pm showing of-”
“And what’s this one do for a living?” Alex snarked, “Is she an ‘lifestyle streamer’ too? She tried to get me back to hers and into her hot tub almost before you’d left the parking lot.”
“That was only the once!”
“Yes, and Jack saw me with them,” Alex reminded him, “and I spent two weeks telling her that I wasn’t going to hook up with one of her friend’s daughters!”
“How was I supposed to know that Jack would know who they were?”
“I don’t know! I don’t know where you find these people!”
“I made you a Tinder profile.”
“What?”
“And a Bumble profile.”
Alex stared at his best friend with something between horror and fascination.
“Oh - and there’s like half a dozen other websites too,” Tom said cheerfully, “and let me tell you that you’re very popular.”
“And which one of those was Clara from?”
Tom winced.
Alex shook his head in despair and stared out the window. Clara had been seventeen. Alex, thankfully, knew how to check for a fake ID. Tom clearly didn’t.
It had been somewhat obvious when she started whittling on about her school classes too, which suggested that Tom had mostly stuck her into the schedule because boobs .
Thank God Alex had checked.
“I thought you liked Lisa, at least.”
“I did,” Alex agreed, “but so does her husband.”
“It could have worked out.”
“They wanted me to watch!”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing!” Alex said, “but that doesn’t mean I’m into it!”
“You could have been into it,” Tom said with a smirk touching the edge of his lips, “I bet he would have loved for you to get right into-”
“No!”
“Look, well, I think you’ll like this one.”
“At least you’re giving me a heads up this time.”
“I learnt my lesson from Polly.”
“Did you really?” Alex said, “Or did you just learn to-”
“And what about Abbie? Didn’t you like Abbie?”
“She tried to derail our date to take us to church. On a Tuesday afternoon.”
“What’s wrong with being religious?”
“Who does church on a Tuesday afternoon?”
“You mean other than cultists?” Tom joked, “because I guess that-”
“Yes!” Alex said, “That’s my point!”
“It can’t have been that bad.”
“I thought I was going to get killed!”
“Why?”
“They talked about drinking blood!” Alex said, “And eating human flesh! You hooked me up with a cannibal cultist!”
“It can’t have been that bad.”
“They tried to season me. With salt and pepper.”
“Come on.”
“The entire church got arrested for homicide two weeks later!”
“Coincidence.”
“They ate Homeless Gus.”
“What?!”
“Yeah, that’s right,” Alex said, “Homeless Gus got ate. Where did you think he went?”
“I thought they’d just given him a bus ticket,” Tom said, looking disturbed, “Did they really eat him?”
Alex facepalmed.
“No, of course not you fucking dweeb. But if you thought that it might be a possibility then why did you hook me up with Abbie?”
“Can we just call it a lapse in judgement?”
“Have you ever had good judgement in women?”
“I liked Sara.”
“Which one was Sara?”
“Redhead. Tall. Leggy.”
“You mean the one that hadn’t listened to music in six years?”
“Maybe?”
“She thought that all art should be burnt, because it was a waste of time and space.”
“What?”
“She tried to convince me to burn down the local gallery. Instead of going into the local gallery.”
“Her profile said she liked art. How was I supposed to know?”
“Did you try talking to her?”
“She was from this new app where you’re not allowed to talk to each other at all. You just like… swipe based on looks and it gives you a random time and place to meet up based on your mutual interests.”
“And people do this?” Alex thought about it for a long second, “Why?”
“I dunno,” Tom said, “It’s not like I got to talk to any of them.”
Alex snorted.
Figures.
Tom halted the car outside a coffee shop, “Right, now, this is where you’re going today.”
“I have no idea why I put up with this,” Alex said, with a sigh, “but what’s her name?”
Tom grinned, “You’ll find out.”
“What?”
“I told you, you’ll find out.”
“You want me to go on a blind date with someone without knowing their name?” Alex’s hand fell off the door handle as he turned to look at his friend. “What does she look like then?”
“You’ll find out that too.”
Alex stared at his friend, “How am I supposed to find her?”
“You aren’t.”
“Isn’t the whole point of this stupidity that-”
“She’s going to find you.”
Alex rubbed his forehead.
It really was a good job that he liked Tom. That Tom was his best friend. That he wasn’t allowed to stab, shoot, or otherwise injure Tom. Not even when he deserved it.
“Right, a blind date with someone whose name you won’t tell me, and whose face you won’t show me, and whose-”
“Just go sit down and have a cup of tea.”
“I don’t drink tea.”
“They do hot chocolate too,” Tom said, rolling his eyes, “I checked.”
“And then what, some babe will just walk up to me?”
“Yup.”
Five minutes later, Alex was sat at the back of the shop, hot chocolate between his hands as he sipped at it thoughtfully. It was kind of Tom, really, he mused. Tom did put a lot of effort into making this work.
But there was no way that it was going to work, Alex knew. There wasn’t a girl out there that could match up to-
“Alex!”
His head snapped up, “Sabina?”
She slid into the chair opposite her, “When Tom said I’d know who it was, he really wasn’t kidding was he?”
“You’re my date?”
She gave him a long-suffering look, “Duh.”
Then she grabbed his spoon and stole a marshmallow from his hot chocolate.
Normally Alex would object.
But this was Sabina.
She was allowed to do stuff like that. He’d always let her do things like that. Because, well, this was Sabina .
He pouted at her anyway.
“What? I want to go feed the ducks,” she said, “and we’re not doing that until you’ve drunk your hot chocolate. I know how this works.”
And, Alex realised with a smile, maybe Tom had finally worked out exactly where Alex’s heart was.
The bastard.