Chapter Text
Adam was back on that floating piece of wood, in the dark night and freezing cold of 15th April, 1912, a night he couldn’t escape. The coldness that seeped into his bones was the same, the fear in his heart a familiar feeling.
Holding his hand tightly was Nigel, and as Adam looked at his lover, he knew that he was gone. His lips were blue, his hand freezing cold, his body frozen. He blinked, and for a second, the real memory seeped into the dream, Will in Nigel’s place.
Then it was Nigel again, feeling as real as it had on the actual night.
Nigel was gone, despite all their promises to each other to survive this, to disembark in New York City together.
“Nigel, come back. Please.” Adam whispered, even as he let go of his hand, watching him sink into the ocean, cold and lifeless. No matter how many times he relived this moment, it hurt the same every time.
Adam knew how this was supposed to go. The lifeboats would come back, Adam would be rescued, and everything would be okay. There were plenty of survivors in the water, the lifeboats had to come back, right? The lifeboats always came back.
Adam looked around, seeing if there were any more survivors, or if the lifeboats had come back yet.
He was alone.
There was no debris, no survivors, no bodies, and no lifeboats. No sign that anything had taken place here, so far from land. There was only Adam, floating alone on the North Atlantic Ocean, with no lifeboats coming to save him.
There would be no rescue this time.
***
Hannibal awoke to the sound of crying, and the gentle rocking of the body in the bed next to him. He turned over, slowly, to face Adam. “Come here, darling.” His voice rough from sleep, Hannibal held an arm out, as Adam rolled over to burrow into his side.
“I miss them.” Adam said quietly, tears still rolling down his cheeks.
It had been 2 years since the sinking of the RMS Titanic, 2 years without Will and Nigel, and yet it was still a fresh wound. It would never fully heal.
“I miss them too.” Hannibal hugged Adam tightly, the way he always did on these kinds of nights.
It happened every so often, the nightmares and the sadness. It wasn’t just Adam who needed comfort in the middle of the night, sometimes. Hannibal did too, when he dreamt of the sinking.
It was the main reason they slept in the same bed - they needed the comfort in the middle of the night, the warmth of another body in the bed beside them. More often than not they awoke with Mischa having joined them, seeking comfort from her own nightmares.
“I wish they were still here with us.” Adam said, even as he knew it was an obvious point to make. But he liked hearing Hannibal’s voice, as he sounded almost the same as Nigel had.
On more than one occasion, Adam had woken up in the morning, looked over at the man in bed beside him, and thought for a second that it was Nigel. It was a good second, the idea that Nigel was still here. But then his mind caught up to reality, and he remembered.
The same thing sometimes happened when Adam caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, his resemblance to Will. More than once, in those early days after the sinking, he had talked to the mirror, because if he didn’t focus on the reflection he could pretend it was Will.
Hannibal kissed the top of Adam’s head, holding him close. “I do as well. But I am grateful that I have you, every day.”
It haunted Hannibal, Adam’s words on the Carpathia. The idea that Hannibal only cared for Will, that he would have abandoned Adam because Will and Nigel were gone.
So, Hannibal made sure to remind Adam, often, of how grateful he was to have him in his life, to ensure he never felt like that again.
And Hannibal truly was grateful for Adam, for all the ways he reminded him of Will, both in their appearance and their mannerisms, but also because of Adam himself. For the joy in Adam’s eyes at Hannibal’s drawings, for how he was with Mischa, for everything Adam was.
“Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and think it’s Will.” Adam whispered. He’d never admitted it to Hannibal before, feeling slightly ashamed at being tricked by his own reflection.
Hannibal held him tighter, as much for his own sake as for Adam’s. “I’ve done that before.” He had done the same with Adam - sometimes, in the right light, or from far away, Hannibal had mistaken him for Will. For that one second, everything was bright again, and then he remembered Will was gone, and it all came crashing down around him.
It felt like they’d never stop relieving the sinking, never stop losing Will and Nigel.
For a short while, Hannibal and Adam just held on to each other, both of them thinking of Will and Nigel, of the sinking, and of each other. Eventually they fell asleep, holding each other close.