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His fingers grazed his pill bottle, looking at the contents intently. Sighing, he capped the bottle and mindlessly tossed it onto the kitchen counter. He brought himself to the bathroom and stared into the mirror, scoffing at his own frown.
“Put on that smile for everyone, Choi Beomgyu. You can do this.”
Beomgyu huffed a sigh as he changed into his outfit for the day. He couldn’t do this. The cloud in his mind was evolving into a thunderstorm for no apparent reason making his fake smile twitch. Beomgyu was extremely tempted to run to get the new pill bottle in his drawer but held back from going against his own wishes to stop taking them.
“Beomgyu yah, it’s time to go out. What’s taking you so long?”
At the sound of Yeonjun’s voice, Beomgyu’s perfect fake smile was worn on his face as he looked back and smiled at his eldest hyung. Yeonjun held his room door open and waited for Beomgyu to grab his bag, leaving the dorm together. Soobin had his arms crossed at the front door while he waited for everyone to come and put on their shoes to leave. He sighed when Beomgyu finally came into view, the sigh sounding as loud as the voice that kept knocking around in his head.
The company van was filled with the two maknae’s chatter while a very on-edge Soobin lectured Beomgyu on how they were going to be late for the official meeting for their new comeback. Yeonjun tried to calm Soobin down seeing the fake glittering stars in Beomgyu’s eyes flicker and fade. Soobin folded his arms and looked outside the window for the rest of the ride. Yeonjun gave Beomgyu a smile and patted his thigh. Beomgyu probably knew Yeonjun’s smile was genuine but having a voice that spoke directly from the mind convinced him otherwise.
With the efficient speeding of their driver, they arrived on time for the meeting and their punctuality was greatly appreciated by Bang PD. The meeting ended well, and the boys went on to learn the choreography for the new title track from their choreographer. Even with a bit of stumbling and messing up, they giggled and joked around. Beomgyu however, had his mind already set on perfecting the dance and was getting quite annoyed but didn’t let his feelings show. After the run-through, the choreographer left the boys in control.
They ran through the choreo together a few times, each time with Kai making a different mistake. Yeonjun noticed and corrected Kai, making sure he taught him in steps, so it was easier to understand. Kai nodded and thanked Yeonjun, apologizing to the other three for holding up practice. But after going through it several times, more and more new mistakes start to appear. Beomgyu couldn’t keep his thoughts to himself any longer.
“Kai yah…”
“Yes, Beomgyu hyung?”
“Seriously…what are you doing…?”
Kai quickly lowered his head, his gaze fixated at Beomgyu’s shoes which slowly turned towards him. The practice room was filled with silence as the other three members watched to see what Beomgyu was trying to do. Beomgyu’s shoes stopped right in front of Kai’s, and the maknae heard a soft gritted mutter.
“If you weren’t messing around just now…you wouldn’t be messing up so much like this…why don’t you just put in the effort…?”
“Beomgyu!!”
“Sorry, hyung…”
“Beomgyu hyung, that was out of line. You say it as if Kai didn’t put in effort to learn the choreo. Also, we just learnt it today, why are you rushing?”
Soobin and Taehyun jumped in to intercept the situation, Kai’s eyes still fixated on Beomgyu’s feet. Beomgyu wondered how there was no one on his side. Then again, he thought about it. Were they ever on his side? No. After all, who would want to be on the side of someone like him. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t work hard enough. Even though he had said those words to Kai, it was words he wanted to say to himself. But now that he had said it to Kai, he’d hurt his maknae. The safe line where he had been using to hurt himself was erased, now stepping over the line.
“I could work hard…why can’t he…?”
Beomgyu locked his jaw and left the practice room, leaving the company to go on a walk to clear his mind. He wondered if there was even anything to clear of his mind. One moment it was flooded with scorching thoughts, the next it was emptier than space. He ignored the vibrations coming from his phone that laid in his pocket, his leader hyung trying to get a hold of him after what he’d done.
The further Beomgyu’s feet took him, the more questions appeared in his head. Why did he have to do that to Kai? He could have just directed all his frustrations and disappointment to his own mind, so why did he do that? Even when Beomgyu said he worked hard, he knew that it was never enough. He wondered if the other members ever felt the same way he did, that he was never enough for them no matter how hard he tried. And all of this probably wouldn’t have happened if Beomgyu had taken his pills as per stated in the schedule. But Beomgyu had decided to challenge the effectiveness of his medicine and hurting Kai in the process.
“Do I not work hard…?”
Kai’s three remaining hyungs gathered around him and attempted to brighten up his mood.
“You work hard, Kai. I don’t know what’s up with Beomgyu hyung, but he’ll come to. I’m sure he didn’t mean it.”
“I tried calling him just now, but he didn’t pick up. He probably has a lot on his mind. Don’t think about it, Kai. You are enough.”
Kai looked up at Soobin and gave him a little crooked smile. They huddled up and hugged their disheartened maknae, letting him take in their warmth and care. All the while with their middle brother getting blown in the cold wind, all alone. The 4 members wrapped up for the day at the company and returned to their dorm together. This time, the van ride was quiet. Taehyun never took his eyes off the side of Kai’s face as he looked at the scenery outside with his mind wandering elsewhere. Maybe it was that moment that Kai had a goal in his mind that he hoped would be achieved as soon as he got home.
Beomgyu leaned his back against the railing of the bridge that stood above the Han River. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, letting the cold wind ice up the scorching thoughts. Whenever Beomgyu had his thoughts burn him from inside, he would always take a walk to that bridge and have the wind take over the cooling down process. He had always done it within a certain timespan where his members wouldn’t worry and question him so it would always be his own secret. But this time, he thinks that maybe he wouldn’t go back. His decision would spare his members from any more harm that came from him.
The other four members entered the dorm and went their separate ways. But Kai had another idea in his head. His goal. It has been going on forever. The voice that keeps telling him that he isn’t enough. That he isn’t worth anything no matter how hard he tries. That it wouldn’t make a difference without him around. Even the hate comments from some of their Vlives had backed up these thoughts, letting him believe that it was true. But had he gone to the others and talked about it, he would have known that it wasn’t true.
Turning towards the kitchen counter, Kai looked intriguingly into the bottle that held Beomgyu’s leftover medication from his last bottle that he had refused to finish. Looking over his shoulder to make sure no one was watching him, Kai emptied the contents of the bottle into his stomach and tossed the empty bottle into the trash can. He then went over to the sofa in the living room and laid down on it, making it look like he was just sleeping there before he washed up in order to keep his bed clean. But it was true. He would be sleeping. It’s just that no one knew how long he would be sleeping there for. An hour? A day? Or maybe even forever.
“Kai?”
Soobin’s voice came through his ears in a muffle. Perhaps it was too late like he wished. Too late for him to turn back and too late to save him. But when he felt the panicked hands of his members shaking him through his numbing sense, he wondered if this was what he really wished for. Did he really want to stop living? Or did he just want to have a new life? A new chance. But it was too late.
“Stay with us. We’re going to get you to help. Stay with me…please…”
Taehyun’s voice. No, he can’t leave Taehyun alone. Now who would stay up with Taehyun late at night to talk and wrestle on their mattresses. Kai knew it would never be the same for Taehyun. Kai knew that Taehyun would pretend to be okay in front of his hyung but truly he would never stop thinking about how he could have made a difference to save Kai. No. The guilt. Kai never wanted Taehyun to carry that guilt. But he was too late. His choice had already been carried out.
The three boys stood in the hallway outside the door to the emergency room. Taehyun clutched his hands until it turned white, only releasing a little of the pressure when Yeonjun slipped his fingers in between them. The eldest shifted closer and pulled the second youngest in to provide him some comfort, at the same time, providing himself comfort. Soobin tried hiding his glares from the other two, walking down the hallway and exiting the building to call Beomgyu, his fingers angrily mashing the screen for his contact.
“Choi Beomgyu. Where. Are. You?”
“Somewhere near the dorm…why…?”
“Do you have any idea what you did…? Kai…he…he overdosed…and we can’t even tell the doctors what he overdosed on because we ran out of medication in the dorm……you caused this…and you aren’t even here…? While he’s in a life or death situation…?”
Beomgyu was hit with a realization. He knew there was still medication in the dorm. But only he should have known about it…because it was his. He kept it hidden from everyone for as far as he knew. His mind ran a million miles per second, trying to remember where he had left his leftover pill bottle. Oh…he tossed it on the kitchen counter… It was literally in the open for Kai to consume.
“Choi Beomgyu, are you even listening to me?!”
“Sorry, hyung. I won’t be able to go over.”
Beomgyu hung the call up right as he heard Soobin say that it was outrageous that he was doing that even though it was his fault. But he agreed. He fully agreed. It was in fact all his fault. From the reason Kai overdosed, to whosever medication he overdosed on. Even though he wasn’t at the dorm to confirm it to be the case, Beomgyu knew that he would find his old pill bottle empty.
Dragging his staggering feet through the streets, Beomgyu tried making his way to the dorm. The guilt already setting in, thrashing his heart around like it was nothing to him. But it was true. His heart meant nothing to him, unlike how his members meant everything to him. Despite that, he was the core and only reason that pushed one of his beloved members over his limits, possibly killing him. The tears burned his eyes, tear tracks on his face feeling like a spreading fire. Because how dare he cry. How dare he, after doing what he did, cry?
Beomgyu’s feet naturally stopped outside a store, his eyes mindlessly trailing to the signboard.
“Good Pharmacy”
How ironic that someone like him entered the store to purchase a new bottle of painkillers. But then again, it made sense. What he just planned and was carrying out was doing good. Even for the good of himself. Beomgyu looped the plastic bag around his wrist and made his way back to the dorm as fast as he could. Even the sounds of the keypad beeping of the front door sounded like a muffled buzzing to his ringing ears. A deep breath followed by a long sigh. He had to do this.
Beomgyu went over to the kitchen and looked at the empty counter, his eyes slowly wandering to the covered trash bin. Kneeling beside it, Beomgyu opened the lid and shut his eyes just as he confirmed his suspicions. He really was every reason behind Kai’s attempt. Kai didn’t want to stay in the world because of him. He hurt Kai. He hurt their youngest even though he promised to protect him.
More tears burned Beomgyu’s skin as he made his way into his own room. He sat down right in front of his drawer where he retrieved his new bottle of pills. Putting both pill bottles in his pockets and zipping them up tight, Beomgyu began to wreak havoc in his own room. He thrashed everything he loved in there, from a framed piece of art he once created to the first guitar his father had gotten him. In order to not wake up any more neighbors from the noise he already made, Beomgyu let out all the choked sobs into his torn mattress.
After all, it still is his fault. How dare he leave anything behind.
Beomgyu smiled as he slowly unzipped his pockets and opened both pill bottles. Emptying all of the pills and a whole bottle of water to help push all of it down, the boy started to laugh. It wasn’t far anymore. His goal that he planned for. His goal he had planned for multiple times before. Ironically, the same thing that helped him stay alive was also the same reason he was leaving this time.
Guilt.
Having a fuzzy memory about a toxicology report taking 24 hours to come back, Beomgyu decided to aid in Kai’s situation and hopefully save him in time. As a last favor. His shaky hands pulled his phone out and he speed dialed for someone he wishes was not going to make him feel anymore worse. And this is when he uses up all his last bit of luck.
“Beomgyu?”
“Yeonjun hyung…”
He managed to call the one person who wasn’t mad at him. A person who was more understanding. A person who stepped back and looked at the whole situation as a whole. A person who kept calm enough to keep his own thoughts rather than agree with everyone else.
“Hey, I heard from Soobin that you weren’t coming over. You feeling okay?”
“I’m fine, hyung…just lightheaded…”
“Oh…did you call me for something?”
“I found the medication that Kai consumed…I need hyung to tell the doctors about what it is…”
“Okay, what is it?”
“It’s antidepressants...”
Beomgyu heard Yeonjun’s breath get held up for a while before his footsteps grew and his voice informing the doctors came through. Beomgyu wondered why the sound of Yeonjun’s footsteps never died down after talking to the doctors. He wondered if the emergency room was really that far.
“Hey…Beomgyu? Can I ask you a question?”
“Mhm…”
“Can you tell hyung if those antidepressants are yours?”
Yeonjun heard a shaky sigh come through the other side of the phone, enough for him to understand what the answer was. The growing sobs wrote out a story for Yeonjun. A story of a boy who was in so much pain but could never seek help from the people around him, fearing he would be too much of a burden. A boy who tried his best to not let his pain affect those around him. Yeonjun knows Beomgyu really tried. He knows he tried his best.
“Hey…Beomgyu, it’s not your fault.”
“…if only I continued taking it…this would not have happened…if I took my antidepressants like my therapist said to…I would not have hurt Kai…I would not have thrown my old antidepressant bottle on the kitchen counter and forgot about it…I would not have been in such a crappy mood and let my mouth run off on Kai…”
“Beomgyu…”
“…hyung…I tried…I really tried…you have to believe me…”
“I know, Beomgyu. Hyung knows. Hyung knows you tried.”
Yeonjun picked up his speed, sprinting as fast as he could down the streets. Beomgyu needed him. He didn’t even need to ask but Yeonjun knew that Beomgyu needed someone, and at that moment, it could only be him. The guilt was outweighing every logical thought process in Beomgyu’s mind, and it was ringing every alarm in Yeonjun’s head from the sobs breaking out of the younger boy.
Unlocking the front door never felt so long. Yeonjun’s thumbs keyed in the passcode, running straight to Beomgyu’s room once it opened. As he approached, so did Beomgyu’s sobs. Getting through the door and the mess of Beomgyu’s room was a small deal to Yeonjun when his priority was to give Beomgyu comfort. Upon realizing Yeonjun returned to the dorm for him, Beomgyu scrambled into his eldest hyung’s arms.
“It’s okay…hyung is here…you’re safe with me…”
“…hyung…”
Beomgyu trembled in Yeonjun’s arms as he, by habit, tried hiding that he was crying. Yeonjun made sure his reassuring words were heard by Beomgyu, patting his head and rubbing his quaking back. He noticed an opened and empty pill bottle sitting on the floor behind Beomgyu, picking it up while rocking Beomgyu back and forth. Beomgyu started growing quieter and leaned his head into Yeonjun’s neck. Yeonjun carried Beomgyu off the floor, sitting on the bed while Beomgyu slept in his arms, a mumble coming from him.
“…please don’t forget our promise……I’m……sorry………”
Yeonjun wondered why it took so long for his eyes to see something so important. What was originally out of his sight finally made an appearance once he changed locations. Near the empty pill bottle sat the sealing plastic for it, and beside it, an empty water bottle. He wished his eyes were playing a trick on him when he spotted another empty pill bottle laying behind the mess in the corner of the room. Beomgyu intentionally threw it there to hide it.
To hide it.
Yeonjun looked down at Beomgyu, the younger boy’s trembling had stopped and so had his movement. Yeonjun wished that it wasn’t the case, he wished that he was just imagining things, he wished that he was in time to protect Beomgyu, but he wasn’t.
“B-B-Beomgyu? Beomgyu?! Beomgyu, wake up!!”
Beomgyu continued ‘sleeping’ in his panicked hyung’s arms. As Yeonjun called for an ambulance, as Yeonjun sobbed and wept, as Yeonjun tried saving his life, as Yeonjun tried bringing him back, Beomgyu continued ‘sleeping’.
"Beomgyu yah...don't be like that...I promise to be a good hyung...please...wake up...."
For Yeonjun, he started wondering how the boy who held their significance of ‘HOPE’ since debut was showing him how fragile that word really is, having his life slip back and forth within their grasps repeatedly while being transported to the hospital. Sitting in outside the emergency room was tormenting for Yeonjun. Every detail in Beomgyu’s room slowly made itself known to his knowledge. How thrashed it was, how messed up it was, but how there was still enough space for Beomgyu to carry out his plan. He truly wanted to leave. And with the way Beomgyu said nothing about it to Yeonjun, he knew Beomgyu had already been prepared for it, probably for a longer time than anyone knew.
Taehyun sat beside Kai, holding his roommates hand gently, repeating that it wasn’t his fault. Soobin stood in the corner of the room, listening to his phone in annoyance. Yeonjun didn’t pick up his phone call again. Soobin wanted to tell Yeonjun and ask where he went to, at the same time, to inform him about Kai’s improving condition.
“Hyung didn’t pick up again.”
“We just have to wait then…”
Taehyun answered mindlessly while having his eyes fixated on Kai. Soobin sighed and went back to calling Yeonjun in hopes that he would pick his phone up. Yeonjun ignored the vibrations from his phone and thought back to the promise he made with Beomgyu once while hanging out with him.
“Hyung~ Yeonjun hyung~”
“Hmm? What is it?”
“Can you make a promise with me?”
“What’s the promise about?”
“That hyung would keep everyone alive and together.”
“What? Of course, I’ll do that. I’m not leaving anyone out.”
“I thought you’d say that. Thank you, hyung. I would love to be hyung’s younger brother in my next life. Being with hyung feels so comforting and safe.”
“You’re making me blush, stop it. I love you, our Choi maknae~”
Why hadn’t he thought more about that promise. Why did he have to notice everything too late. He promised to not leave anyone out, but his outstretched hand still missed Beomgyu. How was he supposed to keep that promise. Yeonjun’s expression dropped, finally understanding what Beomgyu meant. He wanted Yeonjun to keep everyone alive and together…after he was gone…
The emergency door slid open, Yeonjun turning to face the doctor walking out. The doctor stopped his feet in front of Yeonjun as he stood up.
“Choi Beomgyu’s family?”
“I’m his brother.”
Yeonjun lied. But yet at the same time, he didn’t.
“We are doing our best for him, but his situation does not look good.”
“What do you mean?”
“The patient was successfully resuscitated. However, he is unable to breathe on his own, so we have attached him to a ventilator. We might need to run more tests before we can get back to you.”
“Okay…thank you…”
Yeonjun led his feet to Kai’s room after leaving the doctor with his contact number to update him. Soobin turned to look at Yeonjun, face morphing into worry almost instantly. The leader went over to their eldest, thumbs grazing his cheeks.
“W-What?”
“What’s wrong, hyung? You’re crying.”
Yeonjun brought his fingers up to touch his damp cheek, not understanding what was happening. He just shrugged at Soobin and gave a defeated smile. Soobin wanted answers that he didn’t have, neither could he find. They sat down next to each other, Soobin nudging Yeonjun.
“Where have you been, hyung? Where did you disappear to?”
“I had an urgent call to tend to. It’s okay.”
“You’re lying.”
“I will tell you when the time comes, Soobin. Just…just give me some time, okay?”
Soobin frowned and nodded, then turning back to look at Taehyun who repeatedly played with Kai’s fingers. Yeonjun leaned into the bed, smiling while ruffling Kai’s hair. Soobin took the chance to observe Yeonjun. His shirt was drenched with sweat on the back, his fringe was sticking to his forehead, and he smelled like the scented candles that Beomgyu loved to light in his room and studio.
Did Yeonjun know where Beomgyu was?
Yeonjun jumped awake to his phone getting a notification from the doctor to come round to his office for updates on Beomgyu's condition. He stood up silently, not waking up the sleeping duo and the still unconscious Kai. His nerves were on the edge, making his way to the doctor's office with his mind making up all the worst scenarios.
Yeonjun wished. He really wished it was good news if anything. But that was only his wish.
“Through the tests we have conducted on the patient, I am sorry, but it has been determined that he is brain dead.”
Yeonjun buried his face in his hands. No. This was too much to handle. He arrived too late to save Beomgyu, even though he could have known something was off when Soobin said Beomgyu wasn’t coming over. That by itself was very strange. Beomgyu was the type to abandon everything on his hands the moment he hears that anything bad happened to Kai. Even though Yeonjun had promised Beomgyu’s parents to take care of him, he now sat beside the bed of the boy he was the sole legal guardian of, watching machines keep him alive on Yeonjun’s request.
“You can do this……you can wake up…I believe you can…”
Yeonjun sighed, feeling hopeless.
“Now…how am I supposed to tell the rest…? Hmm…?”
Yeonjun grazed his thumb to move Beomgyu’s fringe out of the way, patting him gently as if it would hurt him if it didn’t. Yeonjun hoped it didn’t hurt for Beomgyu through that entire ordeal. Part of him wished that Beomgyu would wake up and be okay, but the other half of him wished he was actually brain dead like the doctor said so he wouldn’t be in pain.
“I’m sorry, Beomgyu…it’s just that hyung keeps having selfish thoughts…but hyung just wants you to be okay…and to be happy…whether you are here with me or not…”
Yeonjun accepted the call coming from Soobin with his free hand holding Beomgyu’s.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“What do you mean what’s up, hyung? Where did you go? Kai woke up. Hurry, our maknae wants to see you.”
“Coming.”
Yeonjun put Beomgyu’s hand back down to his side and adjusted the blanket so that he wouldn’t get cold if there is even a slight chance that he could feel it. Yeonjun hadn’t given up hope for Beomgyu to wake up and prove the doctors wrong, so he would continue to treat Beomgyu like he was just unconscious. Like he would prefer to believe Beomgyu was instead of being brain dead.
“Don’t worry, Beom. Hyung will come back. Kai woke up so I’m going over to visit him.”
Yeonjun collected himself and made his way over to the room that Kai was hospitalised in. The moment he opened the door, he saw Kai look over and beam at the eldest hyung’s appearance. The smile on Kai’s face was mirrored on all present members’ faces, all equally relieved that their maknae had come to.
It felt like the world was in slow motion as Yeonjun walked over with his arms open where their maknae fit tightly in a warm hug. The happiness in the room felt too good to be true after bearing witness to the potential brain death of their middle member which Yeonjun refused to admit. Yeonjun wished this was the way Beomgyu would wake up and welcome him into his arms for a hug that they rarely shared.
Kai suddenly looked down, avoiding his members’ eyes. Taehyun kneeled down beside his bed so he could look at Kai.
“What’s wrong, Kai?”
“Are you guys not mad…you know…at me…for what I did…?”
“No, we aren’t. We’re just glad you came back to us.”
“But…if you guys aren’t mad…where’s…”
It felt like Yeonjun tuned out the rest of the following conversation. He couldn’t withstand hearing anyone blame Beomgyu anymore. Yet he could not bring himself to tell them the truth of the news he received for Beomgyu or what even happened to him. Yeonjun took in a deep breath and smiled before asking.
“Hey guys, did the doctor say anything about when Kai can be discharged from this place?”
Soobin stopped in the middle of his rant about Beomgyu and thought for a bit.
“Tomorrow afternoon. They said they already ran all the tests to make sure he was okay, so we were just waiting for him to wake up. But I just want Kai to be here until he’s fully awake and less sore before he goes back.”
Yeonjun ran his fingers through Kai’s hair and kept the smile on his face.
“That’s good. You did well, coming back to us, Kai.”
Kai looked up at Yeonjun’s comforting smile and dived back into another hug.
Taehyun stretched as he stood up from his seat, excusing himself from the room to go warm up his legs, reassuring Kai that he was going to come back. He walked all over the hospital and found himself exploring different parts of it that had decorations which he took pictures of to show to Kai. While on his phone, Taehyun wandered into a secluded part of the hospital where he finally looked up from his phone and noticed there weren’t many people around. He felt himself be drawn to a certain area in this secluded part, stopping in front of a door. Taehyun looked up to read the name on the label.
‘Choi Beomgyu’
His hands led him through his confusion, opening the door to lead him in. As if it was a natural reflex, Taehyun sat down next to Beomgyu’s bed. He started scanning for any injuries he could find only to have his confusion doubled. He whipped his head around when the door behind him slid open, their eldest hyung making eye contact with him.
“Taehyun, why are you-”
“I was wandering around then I found myself here. You seem to know why Beomgyu hyung is here. I don’t see any injuries on him. What happened?”
Yeonjun closed the door behind him and sat beside Taehyun, holding his shoulder and smiling. Taehyun felt the fear and anxiousness in him build as his eldest hyung’s poker face began breaking in front of Beomgyu.
“I don’t want to believe this…but…the doctors told me…that…he’s…brain dead…”
Taehyun gasped in shock and frantically looked all over Beomgyu’s face for any sort of reaction to their presence. He picked up Beomgyu’s hand and started squeezing it and stuttering out questions to ask Beomgyu if he could feel him. Yeonjun watched as Taehyun fell into the same state of despair he was in, holding Taehyun’s in his arm to try and prevent him from losing control.
“H-Hyung…w-what happened…?...why is Beomgyu hyung brain dead…?...that can’t be…”
“Taehyun…I want you to listen to me very carefully…but not overthink about it…can you do that…?”
Taehyun nodded and kept eye contact with Yeonjun, anticipating the answer to his questions.
“The medicine that Kai overdosed on…they’re Beomgyu’s antidepressants…when I got to him…he had overdosed on…I think it was his new prescription of antidepressants…plus another bottle of painkillers…”
“B-Beomgyu hyung has antidepressants…?...and…so…he overdosed too…but…unlike Kai…Beomgyu hyung…didn’t come back…?”
Yeonjun sighed and nodded. Taehyun returned his gaze to Beomgyu, holding his hand once more. Tears choked out of him as he piled the questions onto Beomgyu.
“Hyung…why didn’t you tell me…why didn’t you just tell me…why did it have to come to this…hyung…wake up…tell me this isn’t true…I’m sorry…I should have helped you too…I kept focusing on Kai after your words hurt him, but I didn’t stop to think why you said it…I didn’t even check up on you…I…I need you…please…”
Yeonjun lent Taehyun his shoulder, telling the younger that it wasn’t his fault while Taehyun’s self-blame kept piling on regardless. Unlike Yeonjun, Taehyun had given up on hope of Beomgyu ever waking up. To him, a wish can never win over a doctor’s words. No matter how much they wished for Beomgyu to wake up, he wouldn’t.
“Then…are they going to……take him off…life support…?”
Yeonjun patted Taehyun’s head while having his face phase through every emotion he had going through his body and shook his head.
“No…I’m not going to let them do that…I’m going to wait…he will wake up…”
“But…wait…why does hyung have the authority to make that decision…?...what about Beomgyu hyung’s family…?”
“What family…?”
Taehyun knew. He didn’t know the answer to his question, but he knew that he probably broke Yeonjun by asking that question.
“He’s all I have…they…entrusted him to me…they’re gone…”
“But Beomgyu hyung never told us-”
“You think he would do anything to make you guys sad…? Even if it hurts him, he will rather keep it to himself…that’s how he is…”
And maybe, Taehyun would rather believe in hope than a doctor’s word. Silence filled the room apart from the rhythmical beeping and whirring of the ventilator. Taehyun leaned on the siderail of the bed and started playing with Beomgyu’s fingers, smiling when he thought about how they talked about how warm Beomgyu’s hand was whenever he held it during the winter. Lost in his thought, Taehyun’s face was stuck in a tired smile.
Yeonjun felt a little bit of relief. At least now, it didn’t feel like he was holding onto a hopeless wish. But how was he supposed to break the news to Soobin and Kai? He wanted Kai to recover first so he didn’t plan on telling him about it any sooner. As for Soobin…
As if being timed, Yeonjun had an incoming call from Soobin.
“Soobin? What’s-”
“Hyung, I think something happened to Beomgyu. I came back to the dorm to get Kai his plushie, but Beomgyu’s door was wide open, and his room was thrashed upside down. I don’t find any sign of him! I tried calling his phone, but he isn’t answering! What if he’s in danger? What if someone came to rob the house and took his as hostage?! What if-”
“Soobin. Calm down. Beomgyu is okay.”
Taehyun looked up to see Yeonjun’s poker face crumble once more but keeping his voice under control.
“What do you mean? Is Beomgyu with you?”
“Yeah, he’s with me. Don’t worry. I’m sure…that was just Beomgyu…”
“You mean…he wrecked his own room…?”
“Yeah. Don’t think he felt too well, hmm? Maybe that’s why he lashed out on Kai. You know Beomgyu wouldn’t have done that. He would never do anything to intentionally harm us…even if it’s the truth…”
“Is he okay…?”
“Yeah. He’s just asleep. Don’t worry about it.”
“Okay…thanks, hyung…”
“For what?”
“For being there for him when we weren’t…”
Yeonjun laughed, concluding the call with Soobin. Yeonjun leaned his head on the siderail of the bed and helplessly laughed as his tears covered his hands.
“…but…I still wasn’t fast enough…”
Taehyun looked at Beomgyu’s hand, then back at Yeonjun. He lifted Beomgyu’s hand and patted Yeonjun’s head, their eldest’s tears halting to a stop when he recognized the warmth. Ironically, in this situation, it was Beomgyu’s presence that reassured them that it was okay.
‘Yeonjun hyung…? Taehyun…? Can anyone hear me…? I’m not dead… I’m still here… I’m not brain dead… Can anyone hear me…? Please… I’m so scared… Don’t give up on me… I’ll wake up… I’ll really wake up… Please don’t give up on me… I’m so…alone… Yeonjun hyung...help me...'
"Beomgyu hyung, I'll be back later. I'll go keep Kai company. Soobin hyung went back to the dorms so he's alone right now."
"Mmn, I'll go pop myself by real quick too. Don't be scared. Hyung will be back."
Yeonjun and Taehyun tucked Beomgyu's hand under the blanket, adjusting it to cover any cold spots. Beomgyu felt their warmth leave him, but the panic he was feeling did not reflect in his actual body. To them, Beomgyu was still in a calm and deep sleep. But to Beomgyu, he was on the verge of breaking. He had heard everything. From the doctors and nurses discussing about his condition, to everything Yeonjun and Taehyun said beside his bed. He wanted to wake up and tell Yeonjun not to give up on him. He wanted to wake up and tell Taehyun that he's okay. He wanted to wake up and find Soobin to talk everything out. He wanted to wake up to apologize to Kai and comfort their maknae. He wanted to wake up, he tried...but...
Soobin alighted the taxi and looked at the unfamiliar signboards.
"Ah...I got off at the wrong side..."
Soobin sighed and held Kai's bunny plushie close to him. He held it out in front of him and sighed.
"Goguma, I alighted at the wrong side of the hospital. Now I have to walk all the way back, and that's if I can find my way."
Soobin held Goguma back to his side and glanced around, wondering why there weren't many people around. He shrugged it off, thinking it was the early hours that was the cause. Attempting to follow the signboards to lead him to Kai's room, Soobin ends up in a dead end in the opposite side than he should have gone. Soobin stretched Goguma comically and called Taehyun on his phone.
"Soobin hyung?"
"Hey, Taehyun. I...I got lost. I have no idea how to get there. Can you come get me?"
"Oh okay. What's the closest room number you see near you?"
"316"
The line was silent for a while, Soobin having to check if he accidentally hung up on Taehyun. He thought he heard Taehyun say something on the other end but was distracted by a commotion from a few rooms down. It sounded like a few nurses trying to calm down a patient who was having a mental breakdown. Then he finally recognized the voice when that patient burst out of Room 313 and toward where Soobin had entered from. It didn't take long for Soobin to overtake the nurses who were chasing the patient down before he reached out to hold him.
"Beomgyu! I'm here!"
Beomgyu stopped in his place, crumbling into Soobin's arms and begging his leader hyung to not let the nurses near him. Soobin was quick to put himself between Beomgyu and the nurses, looking suspiciously at those that posed danger to the younger. The nurses tried explaining to Soobin about the need to run Beomgyu through tests while Beomgyu cried about how they were going to give up on him. Soobin turned to Beomgyu and focused his attention on him, wiping his tears and listening to him, all the while with the phone squeezed tightly in his hand.
"Soobin hyung...t-they said I was brain dead...they told Yeonjun hyung that I was brain dead...they called Yeonjun hyung pitiful for believing that I would wake up...I heard everything...I just couldn't wake up...but I finally did...I recognize their voices...they're going to kill me..."
Soobin didn't understand any new information that was trying to enter his head, all he registered was that the nurses that stood behind him had called his hyung pitiful for believing in their Choi maknae. He turned around and glared at the nurses, because how dare they call his hyung pitiful. No matter how much they have seen in a hospital, how dare they call anyone pitiful for believing. In fact, he's glad his hyung believed in Beomgyu.
"Beomgyu!!"
Soobin turned back around to see Yeonjun running down the hallway to crash his hug into them. Soobin thought in that moment that Beomgyu broke an extra level at the sight of Yeonjun, the one who believed. Taehyun arrived not long after, carrying Kai on his back. After hearing what was going on at the other end of the phone, Taehyun alerted Yeonjun and the eldest wasted no time in darting his way across the hospital. Kai had no idea what was happening, but Taehyun didn't want to waste any time, nor did he want to leave Kai alone, so he brought him along to go find their hyungs. Kai looked at the way Yeonjun and Beomgyu reunited, the eldest with a tearful smile while the younger sobbed about what he heard. Kai could even feel Taehyun's smile growing. Soobin shared the same confused gaze Kai had, reassuring him that he wasn't the only clueless one.
Yeonjun listened to what the nurses had to say and negotiated that all the tests would be conducted with him and Soobin in the room, though it ended up having all members being present. After the tests confirmed that Beomgyu was indeed okay, the nurses apologized for calling Yeonjun pitiful, letting Soobin's frown turn back into a soft and warm smile. Being left in the room in peace, Beomgyu curled up into Yeonjun's arms. Soobin and Kai waited patiently with Goguma in their arms for an explanation. Taehyun sat beside them and did the explaining for them.
"Beomgyu hyung really fought."
"I can tell. He looks like he went through everything. What happened?"
"He..."
Taehyun turned to Kai and had second thought about explaining. Soobin and Kai looked at him anticipatingly, causing Taehyun to sigh.
"So...Kai...the medicine you took...do you know what that was...?"
Kai, slightly uncomfortable from that question straightened his back and shook his head.
"That was...hyung's...antidepressants..."
Taehyun thinks he definitely heard Soobin and Kai's hearts break at the sound of his words. Soobin was frozen in place looking over at Beomgyu's back being comforted by Yeonjun's whispers and hugs. Kai nudged Soobin and they leaned back toward Taehyun to hear more.
"I don't know the details but...Beomgyu hyung overdosed...the doctors misdiagnosed him as brain dead...so if Yeonjun hyung didn't hang onto his hope...Beomgyu hyung would be..."
Soobin could not bear to hold himself back anymore, walking over to layer on the hug. Beomgyu looked up with his puffy eyes, turning over to hug and try to comfort Soobin. Soobin's voice cracked as his eyes burned and blurred.
"Why are you the one comforting me......when I'm supposed to be the one comforting you...?"
Beomgyu let out a little laugh while everyone else joined the hug. Contagious giggles spread around, starting from Beomgyu who had seen Kai pop Goguma up in front of his face.
"I can explain everything. Mmn, everything."
Yeonjun held Beomgyu's hand protectively.
"You don't have to force yourself. I can help you explain if you want to."
"It's better if I explain it myself. Besides, I think I haven't told everyone about something."
Taehyun nodded and gave him a thumbs up, the duo sharing a smile.
"So...it was around last year when I started distancing myself from everyone. I knew I would say something I didn't mean to and end up hurting someone, so I just kept everything to myself. I didn't really have an output either so that was probably my issue. Everything just bottled up and I started seeing a therapist for it. The sessions didn't really help me so I relied heavily on the medicine to help me control my depression. Dancing helped a lot in that aspect as well but when that is the alternative I take, I probably didn't stop until I...passed out. But at some point, I started to doubt the effectiveness of it, so I stopped taking them. Then...I let my mouth run off at...Kai..."
Beomgyu's head hung low, causing Yeonjun to frantically try to figure out if Beomgyu was upset or felt sick. Oh. He was trying to hide his tears. Kai shifted over to Beomgyu and sandwiched Goguma in between them.
"Don't be sad about me, hyung. I'm okay now. Right, Goguma? Yes, Kai is o~kay!"
Kai stretched out Goguma's arms to give Beomgyu a hug, making him laugh at his actions.
"When Soobin hyung told me about what happened, I think I already knew that it was my medicine he had consumed. I didn't really need to check to know. So on my way back to the dorm from the bridge I was trying to cool my head off at, I stopped by the pharmacy and bought a bottle of painkillers. Ironically, the shop's name had the word 'Good' in it. At that point of time, I just wanted to do everyone a favor and stop hurting people. I went back to the dorms and confirmed what Kai took was mine...thrashed my room...took my medicine out along with my new painkillers......"
Beomgyu looked up at Soobin and swallowed hard.
"And I emptied everything into my stomach."
Soobin closed his eyes and went from sighing to crying, while Beomgyu pulled him in to join the Goguma sandwich. Beomgyu knew that Soobin would blame himself. Beomgyu knew that which was why he didn't want to tell them that. But he promised Yeonjun that he would tell them everything, so that they could help understand him. So that they could help him. So he doesn't have to be alone. Taehyun kept the smile on his face while his eyes were an open tap to the new information he had heard. He just told himself that he definitely could have been there to help Beomgyu if he had even spared him a though or look. Kai looked over at Yeonjun, an unanswered question in his head.
"But why is Yeonjun hyung allowed to make decisions for Beomgyu hyung? Like to keep him alive or not."
"Because I am Beomgyu's legal guardian. Auntie and Uncle entrusted him to me before they left."
"Where did they go?"
Beomgyu's hand entered everyone's sight. A single gesture from it. He pointed upward.
"To the skies. Yeonjun hyung is all I have..."
No one dared to ask further from then. The five members made their way back with Kai on Soobin's back and Beomgyu on Yeonjun's back. Yeonjun, Soobin, and Taehyun hushed Beomgyu and Kai to the maknae's room to rest while they helped clean up Beomgyu's overturned room. By the time they came back to show Beomgyu his cleaned room, he had already drifted off to sleep. Yeonjun carried Beomgyu into his room and set him down on his bed. Yeonjun laid down next to him and gently patted him. Beomgyu sleepily peered at him and mumbled.
"...hyung...what if...I didn't wake up...?"
"Then I would have continued waiting until you did. I would never give up on you. Never."
