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“Look, we’re all just really glad that Gigi has a big brother figure in her life… Even if it’s not me. Maybe especially if it’s not me.”
“I-is that what Gina said about me?” E.J.’s chest tightened. An older brother? That’s what Gina saw him as? He could feel his palms sweating. He was zoning out of what Jamie was saying, just nodding slightly in what were probably all the wrong places, but he didn’t care.
“...That make sense?” Jamie finished. E.J. turned back to face him, throwing together a half-hearted response so as not to alert Gina’s brother to his lack of attention in the conversation.
“Yeah, I understand… vaguely.”
Jamie cut him off, congratulating him quickly and leaving just as quickly and suddenly as he had arrived. E.J. turned and left. Regardless of how Gina felt about him, and how he was feeling now, he had a show to put on.
E.J. had held it together during the rest of the production, but he didn’t know how he would be able to face Gina and see her in the brotherly way she clearly thought she did. After Mr Mazzara left, he saw her twirling and running towards him. Suddenly, E.J. had no idea what he was saying to her, only that every word coming out of his mouth felt wrong . As if his mouth was holding his brain hostage, tied up and unable to call for help. And when Gina’s face fell as he cancelled their risotto plans indefinitely, he knew he had made a mistake.
Still, he couldn’t possibly endure spending time with Gina when she viewed him as an older brother and he saw her as a friend, as something more than one- not that that would ever happen. She was probably just like Nini - pining for Ricky behind his back. He wasn’t foolish, as his 4.3 GPA demonstrated. He was far too old for her anyway. She was just a sophomore, and he would graduate at the end of the semester. Even if Gina had seen him as something other than a brother, mentor and friend, he couldn’t bear to give her a whirlwind relationship filled with uncertainty, when all she knew was constant change. Gina needed stability, something that Ricky could give her.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
E.J. repeated the words under his breath, but he had said them so many times that they had lost all meaning. He locked himself in a bathroom stall, leaning against the door. Everybody was getting ready to leave for Slices, so he could probably wait for a few minutes to regain his composure. Ditching Slices in favour of going home and sobbing openly was out of the question; this was his last high school show and he needed to be there to support his friends, to support leading lady Ashlyn. His breathing was still erratic, heaving followed by wheezing when the air wasn’t coming in steadily. Despite his efforts, a few tears began to drip down his cheeks.
Real men don’t cry. Real men are powerful. They seize the day, before letting it go.
His father’s words echoed in his ears. What would Cash Caswell think of his disappointing only son, crying in the bathroom because a girl didn’t like him? He felt weak and disgusting. He needed a shower so that he could wash away the evening’s feelings, but he couldn’t have one now. He needed to put a smile on his face, the way he always did, and rejoin his friends. But he could let himself have five minutes before he had to leave.
The idiotic Beast makeup wasn’t coming off, and Ricky couldn’t go to the cast party looking like a panda. He needed to speak to Miss Jenn, but that discussion could wait until he didn’t look like he had been punched in the face. He ducked into the nearest bathroom, knowing it would be empty since everyone was on their way to Slices or taking off their costumes backstage. Ricky took out a makeup wipe and began rubbing around his eye, before he heard the muffled sounds of someone crying. The cubicle at the end of the bathroom wasn’t empty as he had initially thought. Ricky moved to tap gently on the door.
“Yo, are you ok?” he called. He wasn’t expecting an answer, and he started when he realised who had responded.
“No, I don’t think so.” E.J. responded, so quietly Ricky wasn’t sure he had heard correctly.
“Will you open up for me?”
E.J. unlocked the stall door and stepped out. His face was stained with tears and Ricky felt a pang as he saw the older boy look absolutely devastated. He had no idea as to why E.J. was hiding in the bathroom and crying. What was there in E.J.’s life that was so terrible? Was he emotional over his last musical, or was there something else?
“Do you… want to talk about it? If you don’t, that’s ok. I can leave if you want. In fact, I’ll go now-” he backed away and made to open the door. A hand on his arm stopped him.
“Please, Ricky. Don’t leave me.” E.J., though much taller than Ricky, looked so vulnerable even as he towered over the junior. Ricky turned his body to face E.J. completely. He wasn’t the best with his own emotions, let alone other people’s. And E.J. - the guy who had dated Nini so soon after their breakup, the guy who had tried to sabotage Ricky’s leading role, who had grown that stupid holiday beard just to prove that he could even though he looked so much nicer clean-shaven - was far from the first person Ricky wanted to speak to right now. But clearly something was bothering E.J., so Ricky had to suck it up and try to be a good friend.
“What’s happened? Why are you upset?” he asked. Not the most tactful questions, but he and E.J. both knew they weren’t at the pleasantries stage in their semi-friendship.
“I just don’t know how I could have misinterpreted everything. How the heck did I manage to screw up everything? Maybe my father’s right. I’m never going to be as happy and successful as he is.” E.J. sniffled.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. I remember meeting your dad at Career Day. And no offence? But he doesn’t exactly seem like the nicest guy. Made of money? Yes. Willing to throw it around to make people happy? Without a doubt. But when was the last time he took an interest in something you did?”
Ricky was starting to get the hang of this. It wasn’t nearly as awkward now.
“He used to go to all of my water polo games, and when I was a freshman and I signed up for the fall musical, he was happy I was taking an interest in the arts. Apparently, it would look good on college applications, and if I showed that I was more than an athlete and academic, I was definitely going to get into Duke. But I guess we all know how that turned out…” E.J. trailed off. His eyes welled up again and he brushed away the tears with the sleeve of his jacket. “Still, even though he let me go to Camp Shallow Lake over the summer each year, and I would get involved in the musical each year, he never actually paid attention. Did you know that? He always said that a career in the arts, especially theatre, was for people who didn’t have the brains to make it anywhere else.” he scoffed.
E.J. leaned back, hopping onto the windowsill and rocking slowly back and forth on it. Ricky moved to sit next to him, and they made eye contact for a long second, before Ricky looked away and shuffled closer to the wall.
“So is that why you’re crying in the bathroom instead of celebrating a largely-successful opening night with all your friends? Because you’re afraid of your dad or something? Because you didn’t get into a college? Or because he doesn’t care about what you want?” Ricky asked softly.
“None of those, actually. I thought I knew what I wanted, but now I’m not so sure… Remember at Big Red’s, when Carlos said I was making eyes at his co-choreographer? I asked Gina out on a date the night you fell on Ashlyn. We were supposed to go out for risotto, but we postponed it until tonight because you guys got injured.”
“Congratulations, I guess?” Ricky swallowed, before continuing. “I suppose… I’m just a bit confused as to why you’re sad. I didn’t notice all this until that night, but you guys seem… nice together. You’re hilarious on the morning show!”
“That’s just it. I thought so too, which is why I asked her out. It’s just, today I got the impression that she tells her mom that she thinks of me as an older brother.” E.J. sighed.
“I’m sorry, what? Gina thinks you’re great, I’m sure of it.”
“Even if she didn’t, I don’t want to take advantage of her. I’m two years ahead of her in school. I’m graduating in a matter of weeks and she’ll be left behind. And there’s no way that she thinks of me as boyfriend material, especially not after I cancelled our risotto date. I can’t hang out with her if she likes me as a brother because I have romantic feelings for her, that’s so wrong. It’s like I’m betraying her trust.”
“E.J. Caswell. Stop talking. Trust me, Gina really likes you. And not just as a friend, and definitely not as an older brother. Do you know how I know that? She looks at you the way Nini used to look at you, the way she used to look at me.”
“The way Nini looked at you, or the way Gina did?” E.J. asked, turning back to Ricky with tears in his eyes once more.
“I.. I don’t…”
“I’m sorry. That was totally uncalled for. I just- I’ve been having a really hard night and you’re right. It’s just hitting me that this is really my last chance, my last opening night with you guys. I didn’t think I would get this emotional but clearly, I was wrong.”
“Look, I know we haven’t exactly had the best relationship in the past, but E.J., I’ve really looked up to you this semester, on-stage and off. Your confidence, your singing voice - there’s so much to admire. And your father may not be able to see it, but we all do. Gina especially .” Ricky tentatively put a hand on E.J.’s shoulder. He flinched at the touch initially, though Ricky didn’t notice. E.J.’s cheeks flushed slightly, and he covered his face with his sleeve once more. He swiped at the tears, mopping the residue away.
“Now, I don’t want to push, but I think we should get you cleaned up so we can head to the after-party. Maybe you can talk to her? And if you don’t want to, everyone else will be there to support you.” Ricky stood and held out a hand for the senior to take.
“Ok, but I have something to ask first.”
“Go ahead, dude.”
“Could you please- no, this is too embarrassing.”
“Oh my god, E.J.! Just ask me!”
“Could you please, maybe… hold me for a bit?”
“Yeah, that is a bit of a weird request. But of course. Whatever makes you feel better.”
They stood in front of the bathroom mirrors, E.J. breathing deeply, matching his inhaling and exhaling to Ricky’s in order to steady himself.
“Thank you, Ricky. For being there for me.”
“Hey, what are second chances for, right?”
E.J., satisfied, let go of Ricky. Ricky started to leave, but E.J. tapped him on the arm.
“You still have your Beast eye, you look like half a panda.”
“Oh right, I forgot about that.”
Ricky resumed the removal of his makeup and left the bathroom with a small smile at E.J., who remained behind for a second to cast his eyes upon his reflection one final time before heading out.
Even if Gina didn’t reciprocate his feelings, he would attend the cast party with his head held high.