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Well, this was a complication.
Obi-Wan glanced around the space they were being held carefully. Bane and Eval were both tied up beside him, and they were surrounded by a good half a dozen pirates, all with blasters pointed quite distinctly at them.
Obi-Wan pursed his lips, wondering if he was imagining that there were far more blasters pointed at him than at his two companions.
Which was… odd. There were a couple of reasons that Hardeen had been chosen, and Obi-Wan chosen to fill Hardeen’s place.
But pertinent to the situation; before his ‘successful’ assassination of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hardeen had been, essentially, a no name. No close bounty hunter associations, no grand feats to his name, just a lonely bounty hunter.
So why were the pirates acting like Hardeen was the biggest threat. Maybe compared to Eval who was far more mastermind than physical threat, but compared to the Cad Bane? No, Hardeen was definitely the weaker threat. Or at least that’s what people were supposed to think.
The door slid open and Obi-Wan glanced up, hoping he managed to keep the surprise out of his face when Hondo Ohnaka flounced in.
“Ohnaka.” Bane’s raspy voice was filled with annoyance. “What are you doing? If this is you trying to ransom me, again, I swear I’ll—”
The pirate waved his hand. “Now now, Bane. You and I will figure things out soon enough.”
Obi-Wan kept his eyes on the pirate captain as Hondo came to a stop before him, a strangely flinty look in his eyes. The normally chaotic, almost playful personality Obi-Wan was used to seeing nowhere to be found.
Obi-Wan mentally cursed, trying to figure out what was going on. Did Hardeen and Hondo know each other? Had Hardeen done something to make an enemy of Hondo? Because that could be problematic.
“Rako Hardeen. I don’t know you.” Well, that was one question answered, but Obi-Wan couldn’t quite fight down the sense of unease he felt. “I know everyone.”
Maybe Obi-Wan could just bluff his way through this. “Well—”
“In fact, I knew that Jedi you killed.”
Obi-Wan froze; he suddenly had a very bad feeling about this.
“Well—“
“I didn’t like that,” Hondo continued. “I didn’t like that at all.”
Beside him, Bane let out a quiet curse
Hondo didn’t even look at him, instead pulling out a long, sharp knife that glistened with—he narrowed his eyes, trying to see it better—some sort of liquid, likely poison.
Hondo lunged forward and Obi-Wan only barely kept himself from flinching as Hondo stopped right in front of him, the knife a centimeter from his neck. And then slowly, so slowly, Hondo brought the knife forward the last inch to cut the faintest line on his neck. It felt like being cut by ice, the sensation of freezing seeping into his blood. Obi-Wan held in his curse, immediately bringing the Force to bear to try and negate the effects, before he could figure out first hand exactly what they were.
“Now there,” Hondo said satisfied. “That should help prepare you for my next visit.”
Obi-Wan watched Hondo and his cadre of pirates left, feeling a deep confusion.
The door had only just closed when Bane let out another long list of curses. "That kriffin' rumor was true," he spit out, glaring at Obi-Wan as he said it. "Of all the Jedi you could have killed, you had to choose Kenobi?"
"What rumor?" This whole situation was absurd, and he was fairly certain it had completely derailed his mission. At least if the poison he was doing his best to slow down was any indication. "And what's wrong with killing Kenobi?"
He liked to consider himself at least a minor nuisance for the various scoundrels he ran into. While he wouldn't expect celebrations at his death, he would think they'd at least be pleasantly satisfied that he was no longer around.
It was perhaps a necessary puncture to his pride. It never was fitting from a Jedi, after all.
"Ohnaka went and got soft for the Jedi. And he's a right vengeful bastard when he wants to be." Bane shook his head, and Obi-Wan really wished he would stop with the glaring. "I'd heard he’d had a thing for Kenobi, but I thought it was early enough into Ohnaka's little crush for him to not get vengeful. If I’d known otherwise I’d have stayed clear of you.”
Obi-Wan felt his mouth drop open. "Excuse me, are you saying that Hondo is... soft on Kenobi?"
Obi-Wan was friends with Quinlan Vos, the number of bizarre and absurd things he'd heard would make most people flee for their lives, but this was now officially the most absurd thing he'd ever heard in his life.
"That's what I said.” Bane rolled his eyes. “What’d he dose you with? Already losing your hearing?”
"Kenobi's a Jedi."
Bane made a face, clearly he suspected that Obi-Wan had been dosed by something that was effecting his mental faculties. "Ohnaka's never had the best taste."
Obi-Wan thought he should probably be offended at that, but honestly, he agreed. "Didn't Hondo take him hostage, once?"
Bane rolled his eyes. "You really are some newbie who got lucky, aren't you? Ohnaka takes everyone hostage. It's a point of pride for him to go after the best of the best and prove he can handle it. He's taken me. Pretty sure he took Fett once. He got Kenobi. Dooku. Think he even got a Hutt once—and not a baby Hutt, full-out Hutt Cartel Hutt. Really, he has an absurdly long list of powerful and dangerous people he's captured."
That actually sounded about right, if Obi-Wan was honest. Hondo Ohnaka was not someone to underestimate.
"Still," Obi-Wan protested. "Hondo Ohnaka? Kenobi?"
Bane shrugged. "Come on, anyone who has met Kenobi has at least thought about it."
Bane, Obi-Wan recalled, had met him several times. And he wasn't sure what he was supposed to think about that. He focused on the poison for a moment so he wouldn’t have to think about it, but then his cursed curiosity got the best of him.
"What the kriff are you talking about?"
"What a newbie," Bane muttered, turning his head to look at Eval hanging on the other wall. "Hey, Eval. You met the bastard once, didn't you? Get a minor crush?"
Obi-Wan regretted letting his curiosity get the best of him.
Eval narrowed his eyes at the both of them, and Obi-Wan expected if he hadn't been gagged he would be acting sanctimonious and ridiculous. It was a sign that Hondo really did know everyone in the business, since no one wanted to listen to Eval talk.
Still, after a moment Eval nodded.
Obi-Wan didn't even remember meeting Eval before this job.
"Why?" he pressed. There was a part of him that wondered if his true identity had been discovered and if the two of them were mocking him until they could manage an escape and actually kill him.
Though that didn’t quite explain why Hondo had poisoned him with the threat that he was coming back for more.
Bane gave him a look. "The man's kriffin' competent, is why. And he flirts like he means business, don't think I've met anyone who's managed to resist that stupid, kriffin' charm. And for a human—" Bane shrugged, "—he's decently attractive."
Obi-Wan stared at him. His brain might actually be shutting down. "This cannot be my life."
Bane, thankfully, completely misunderstood. "Should be glad you didn't actually meet him before you took the shot. It's a lot harder to kill someone when you're picturing them in bed." He paused at that, tilting his head. "Except maybe you should wish you had met the man. Since if you hadn't killed him you wouldn't be hanging from Ohnaka's cell waiting to see what torture he's going to come up with for killing Kenobi."
"Right." There didn't seem to be anything else to say. And honestly, he wasn't sure he wanted to know anything else.
His view of the world was being thrown on his head.
It wasn't that he didn't know he was flirting with people. It was a very successful tactic, irritating and annoying people in turn. And perhaps there had been a few people he had flustered over his time using that tactic.
But apparently, his flirting had actually been... successful? For a given value of success.
Successful enough that he was now hanging from a cell with two bounty hunters, mildly poisoned, and waiting for a pirate to come back and potentially kill him.
He was never going to flirt with anyone ever again.
"You should have seen the holo footage Ohnaka sent out of Kenobi facing down two of those Sith." Bane let out a whistle. "Never seen Kenobi use two lightsabers before, but got to say..." His smirk was a little disturbing. "It was attractive."
"Footage?" Obi-Wan squawked. "What?"
How the kriff had Hondo gotten footage of that? He'd caused a rockslide to let Hondo and his men escape while he dealt with Savage and Maul.
"Happened near Ohnaka's base. Ohnaka has security footage in almost every inch of that place."
Obi-Wan wanted to die just a little bit. "And... how many people have seen this footage?"
"Anyone in the network." He gave Obi-Wan a smug smile. "You're too much of a no-name, clearly, or you'd know all this yourself."
"Right," Obi-Wan repeated. "You'd have killed him though, right? You'd have killed Kenobi?"
It was strangely important to him that Bane would kill him. It would bring a sense of stability back to his world.
"I mean if it were him or me to the death, of course." That was good, that was right.
Though Obi-Wan would like to think that if it were a fight to the death that he'd be the one to win.
Bane continued, voice almost thoughtful. "Mind, one of the most attractive things about Kenobi is that in a fight to the death there's a good chance he might have won, as much as no one wanted to admit it." At least in that they agreed. "But Kenobi was never the sort to go for the kill if he didn't have to, which made fighting him..." Bane trailed off again, smile a little predatory, and Obi-Wan really, really didn't want to know what he was thinking.
It grew silent and Obi-Wan appreciated it. He far preferred trying to figure out how he was going to get out of this than trying to wrap his mind around the fact that apparently there were a number of bounty hunters who wanted to have sex with him.
But then Bane was breaking the silence again. "Shame no one ever won the betting pool."
Obi-Wan eyed Bane, wondering if he could somehow derail Bane before he could continue. He couldn't imagine that he was going to want to hear this.
Finally, he succumbed to the inevitable. "Betting pool."
"There was a wager to see who could get Kenobi into bed first."
"Do you lot have a lot of wagers like this," he asked weakly. "Is there some poll out there for all your favorite nuisances?"
Please let it not just be him. Please let it not just be him.
"Nah."
So it was just him.
"Did anyone get close?" Obi-Wan asked, because the answer was no, but he couldn't help but wonder if someone had actually thought he'd have sex with them.
Bane scowled. "A couple of people claimed they got close. None of them ever had any real proof though."
“Right.” He stared up at the ceiling, noting blankly that it was a rather dreary ceiling.
Things were silent for a while, and Obi-Wan tried to focus mainly on clearing the poison out of his system. It was thankfully not a drug that reacted adversely to Force use, but then, there was no reason Hondo would think he needed to use one of those far rarer poisons anyways.
Still, his mind kept returning to the utterly absurd conversation he’d just had with Bane.
He was hanging here chained to the wall because Hondo Ohnaka had a crush on him. A crush serious enough that Hondo was going to either torture—perhaps even kill—him for ‘killing’ himself.
When had this become his life? And could he please get a re-do.
But that, he assumed, was most definitely out of the question.
Worse than the conversation was the direction his mind was heading. He had always a had a thing for competence. And, while he tried not to admit it—even to himself—there was something about those who were rougher, more vicious, that had appealed to him.
Not exactly a desirable trait of his, but still true.
Both Bane and Hondo were actually just his type.
He shifted uncomfortably and tried to blame it on the poison. No. No, he was not actually considering what it would be like to be with either of those two. It was out of the question. Completely out of the question.
But…
No.
Bane was working for Dooku for Force’s sake. And Hondo had taken him prisoner and electrocuted him.
He glanced over at Bane. He was muttering under his breath, sending cold looks his way every now and then.
If Bane hadn’t told him to his face—or Hardeen’s face, as far as Bane was concerned—he would never have believed it.
Force, his brain was being absolutely useless right now. He was 100 percent blaming it on the poison. Maybe it was the sort of poison that addled the brain and made it harder to think.
Never mind that he could feel an ache in his bones and blood, pulsing in pain that he knew would likely be excruciating if he wasn’t keeping it at bay.
Most poisons didn’t do both, but it could be a rare one Obi-Wan wasn’t aware of, he reasoned.
“What would you do if he was interested?” Obi-Wan found himself asking, mentally cursing himself the whole time.
Bane glanced at him, the look on his face condescending to the extreme. “I’d take advantage of that in a heartbeat.”
“Just like that?” Obi-Wan pushed skeptically. “Despite the fact that he’s a Jedi?”
“What would that have to do with it?” Bane asked, tone sounding far too practical. “If anything it’s even more of a compliment. I convinced a Jedi into my bed.”
Obi-Wan resisted rolling his eyes and correcting the ridiculous misconception that Jedi were celibate, but only barely. It wasn’t like Hardeen would know something like that. “Right,” he said, ending the conversation and looking back up at the rather boring ceiling, smooth gray stone. It really gave him nothing to distract himself with. Which was really rather rude.
“Trust me, if you’d met him you’d have jumped at the chance.”
Obi-Wan made a face at that.
Given his real identity, there was something very disturbing about that statement, not that Bane could be expected to know that.
The door opened again, and Hondo came prowling in. The knife was once more in hand.
“I do hope you’ve enjoyed my little present earlier,” Hondo said, all faux civility.
Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. “I actually found it rather disappointing. Not enough pain and suffering for my tastes.” He mentally sighed at himself. Must he always antagonize his captors?
The answer, he suspected, was yes. Self-preservation had really never been his strong point.
Hando narrowed his eyes, and the knife came up again, glinting a little in the poor lighting of their cell. “Let me fix that.”
Obi-Wan stared at the rather large knife in Hondo's hand, then glanced up at Hondo's face to see that he meant business.
He could handle torture. But he wasn't completely sure that was where Hondo would stop.
Because apparently, Hondo wanted to get revenge. On him. For killing himself.
This was the most ridiculous thing that had ever happened to Obi-Wan in his life. And he'd had some pretty ridiculous things happen to him. "Can I get a final request?" Obi-Wan asked, resigned to the fact that in this case it was better to blow his cover and see if he could put his new found information to good use. He continued before Hondo could deny him. "If you have a med droid capable of removing nano-bots and a voice box I'd rather prefer to die with my own face, thank you.” He paused. “And an antidote might not be out of place either.”
For a moment Hondo and Bane both seemed confused, and then Obi-Wan saw the slow dawning of comprehension.
"Kriffin' bastard," Bane hissed, but he sounded far less upset than Obi-Wan would like. He was a very capable threat, thank you very much, not someone that the people he regularly fought should be… crushing on. Even after all this time to think about it, the thought sounded ridiculous in his head. “Knew you wouldn't go out with some measly sniper."
"If it is not Obi-Wan Kenobi," Hondo exclaimed. It was as though someone had flipped a switch, the strange menace before gone, not a glimpse of it left. Hondo was again almost radiating chaotic energy. Why was that such an intriguing combination, he mourned. "We can remove these vile contraptions restraining your beauty." He paused in consideration. "We cannot hold you hostage properly if you are not wearing your own face, after all!"
“I would really rather prefer not to be held hostage at all,” he said mildly.
“Nonsense,” Hondo said, waving his hand as though to brush away the objection. “I shall give you the nicest cell we have available. “And some alcohol, of course, to help with the tribulation.”
“How thoughtful.”
“Now just hang there like the lovely hostage you are and I shall go find a med-droid to retrieve those rather obscene monstrosities you’ve stuck in yourself.”
“Or,” Obi-Wan said. “You can let me go and try to finish my mission and you can take me hostage another time.”
For a moment it looked as though Hondo was genuinely considering it. “I think not,” he said finally. He examined Obi-Wan carefully. “In fact, I think I’ll be keeping you hostage for quite a while. You are clearly in need of a vacation.”
Obi-Wan didn’t manage to stop the eye roll this time. “Could we at least broadcast that I am, in actuality, alive?” he asked. “There are a few people out there that are likely in a state of distress at my death.” He thought of Anakin and Ahsoka who had been forced to see him die. Of Cody and the 212th sent away by the Council against Obi-Wan’s own wishes so that they would not be present to deal with the fallout of his death.
Hondo’s gaze might, just might, have gone soft. “How else will I receive my money if I do not inform the galaxy of my mighty feat of having taken you captive a second time?”
A good point.
Though there was 50/50 odds whether it would be Anakin or Cody that murdered Hondo. Neither would be inclined to being merciful given the circumstances.
Presuming either of them forgave him, of course.
“And what are you going to do with me and Eval?” Bane interrupted. “We’ve got a job to get to.”
Obi-Wan found himself silently hoping that Hondo decided to keep them for a little while. It would be one way to make Dooku’s task to kill the Chancellor just a little harder, which could only be a good thing now that his mission was completely ruined.
“A ridiculous question,” Hondo exclaimed. “Of course you shall be my hostages as well. How could I let such an opportunity for profit to pass me by!”
Well, that was good news.
He glanced at Bane who was looking more thoughtful than annoyed. Obi-Wan found his mind shifting, rather inopportunely, to what Bane had said again.
“Say Kenobi,” Bane drawled, as though he’d read the shift in Obi-Wan’s thoughts. “I don’t suppose you are interested?”
Hondo perked up. “Interested, you say.”
Now Hondo was examining him with what could only be described as eager intrigue.
Obi-Wan found himself grateful for the nanobots that masked the flush that was no doubt trying to spread across his cheeks.
“I may, have perhaps, found myself considering things that I hadn’t considered before,” he said, somewhat stiffly.
Bane’s smile was downright lascivious and Obi-Wan’s gut gave a traitorous twist of what was, unfortunately, interest.
“How fortunate for me that we’re going to be spending a great deal of time with each other, isn’t it?”
“You just want to win the betting pool," Obi-Wan said dryly.
“Ha,” Hondo interrupted. “If either of us will be winning the betting pool it will be me.”
Bane met Hondo’s eyes. “Couple months—“
“Months,” Obi-Wan yelped.
“—hostage with him, we’ll see which of us wins.”
This, Obi-Wan thought, some mix of horror and a feeling that he was rather stubbornly not putting a name to, was not what he had planned on happening when he revealed himself.
But then again, he probably should have.
That was all right, he’d figure out how to make this work somehow. As it was, being Hondo’s hostage along with Bane was probably not the worst thing that could happen.
Probably.