Chapter Text
For days, your mind has been in a constant haze. As if in a state of limbo, uncertain whether you should talk to Loki about what transpired at the cafe or remain silent as you have been before that fateful day. You choose the latter, for you no longer desire to have any more heartaches to ensue and after seeing the black eye and bruise on Loki’s cheek after bumping into him the morning after in the kitchen, you’re glad about the decision you’ve made.
It even makes you scoff at how childish both men have been. Though you blame Steve for being nosey altogether and Loki goading him doesn’t make him innocent either.
They keep their distance, all the same, something you are thankful for yet still make the effort to avoid them. Blocking Steve’s number the same night and ignoring Loki when you see him in passing, making it clear to him that you do not wish to be within his orbit.
You no longer fear or worry about his presence but the pain has been your regular companion throughout the days. Loki’s words still echo in your head that you would find yourself in a daze at the most inconvenient moment, at work, in the kitchen—that cost you burning an egg, even during your baths, that it only urges you to keep scrolling through the list of rentals on your browser.
You’ve changed your routine once more. But this time, you revert back to when you were living alone. You still leave the coffee pot warm, not wanting to fresh grounds to go stale but gone are the days of you slaving away in the kitchen just to prepare him a meal. You still make one, but only for yourself to take to work. And at times, you’d not prepare anything at all, opting to purchase at the cafe or the convenience store close to your office building.
And your weekend, you filled them with viewing schedules. Waking up early to meet the homeowners and check the units they offer. You even found yourself perusing the furniture store, being a constant window shopper at IKEA, and dreaming of the amenities you wish to decorate your future home.
You wake up late Monday morning, calling Maria and texting Sam to tell them that you’ll be doing a half-shift for the day. One of the apartments you’ve been eyeing for a while has finally called the night before and agreed to let you view the place the following morning. And with so many positive reviews you’ve seen about the building, in regards to location and accessibility, even with how friendly the neighbors are, you’re not passing up the opportunity.
All dressed in work clothes and with your purse in your hand, you look down at your phone to check the time. Loki is home. But it’s late enough for him that you’re banking on the fact that he’s already gone to bed. You don’t want him asking questions as to why you’re leaving later than usual, you don’t even plan on telling him that you’re moving until your final week in the apartment. It’s a douche move, you have to admit. Constantly berated yourself about the insensitivity especially when so much would be at stake, but you’re done thinking of others, of him.
Besides, you’ve kept aside some rent money to help him get by for a month. That would be enough, right?
When you hear no sound coming from the main room, you quietly open your bedroom door and make your way to the front of the apartment. But the aroma of freshly brewed coffee takes you by surprise, making you look at the kitchen to see the machine lit and the pot half full. But what surprises you even further is the sight of your lunch container sitting on the kitchen counter.
You walk towards it, curious as to why it’s out then blink when you see it full through the transparent lid. Pasta, and a side of chicken taking up the space. Your eyes then take notice of the sheet of paper tucked underneath. Placing your purse atop the counter, you take the sheet, your heart constricting when you read the inscription.
I took the liberty of preparing your meal for the day.
You’ve done it for me so many times, I want to return the favor.
I’m sorry if it’s only now that I’m doing this.
I hope you have a great day today at work, Darling.Always Yours,
Loki
It’s the first time he’s made contact with you since that night and you will yourself not to cry as you stare down at the letter. But such efforts are a lost cause as the words blur in your vision, the tears flowing freely down your face. Your hands shake and you have to lean against the counter to compose yourself. The note brings back all the emotions you’ve felt since the night he confessed his feelings to you and more from the past.
You want to forgive him. You really do. To bury the hatchet and start anew. You still love him for god’s sake but you don’t know where to begin, how to even begin. You’re still too broken to take that step and there’s a small voice in your head that continuously tells you that he’s crossed the line, that what he’s done has created more damage than could possibly be fixed over another conversation.
Yet a small smile forms on your lips as you look down at his note once more then at the food he’s prepared. You fold the paper in half and tuck it in your purse. Wiping the tears from your cheeks with the back of your hand, you head over to the pantry to take out your lunch bag and stuff the container inside before grabbing a thermos to fill it with hot coffee.
You’re thankful for his effort and you’re not stupid nor heartless to put it all to waste.
-
“The living room is attached to the kitchen. The washer and dryer are just at the end of the counter and you have a kitchen island that also serves as a dining table if that’s alright with you.”
You nod as Jonah, the unit owner, shows you around the apartment, hand gesturing to the rooms he’s mentioned and following him like a lost cat through the wooden flooring.
You look around the place and notice that it’s much smaller than the apartment you share with Loki. A one bedroom and bath with a balcony attached and the kitchen and living room furnished with the necessities. Your eyes then land on the single armchair sitting at the side of the coffee table, and you cannot help but think about the one back at your place, the one Loki has claimed for himself. And all of a sudden, you imagine him sitting on the furniture. Mug in hand, wearing that black Henley shirt you love on him while he looks at you with a smirk playing on his lips.
You blink away your thoughts and divert your eyes from the couch, your mind running in circles and hearing yet not listening to what Jonah is saying as he shows you the bathroom and then the bedroom. “It has a walk-in closet and my wife said it’s something most young women like to have.” He comments with a chuckle and you smile at him if only to be polite, walking into the room when he pushes the door wide and humming in approval of its coziness.
There’s a queen bed in the middle, similar to the one you have and your mind begins playing with you once more as the image of Loki sleeping on the bed fills you. His toned back moving between the sheets and duvet as he breathes and his raven hair fanned around the pillow under his head, looking peaceful in his state of slumber. You force yourself to look away, almost bumping into Jonah as you scurry out of the room.
You feel a shiver run up your spine and your chest tightening as you clutch on the armchair tightly. Your eyes scan the place, looking for something to keep you grounded but everywhere you look, all you see is him. Loki cooking in the kitchen with a wide smile on his face. Him watching the game on the television while he cheers on his favorite team. Loki standing on the balcony, looking out at the view and casting a perfect silhouette as the sunset before him.
You don’t understand what is happening to you, why images of Loki continue to appear. You wanted to move out to get away from him, to leave the pain behind, yet he continues to plague you, haunt you, even in this place where you knew he couldn’t follow.
You feel a hand rest on your shoulder and immediately flinch, moving away from the culprit and almost instantly feeling ashamed when you look up to see Jonah with his hands up in defense, his blue eyes full of concern as he takes a step back.
“My dear, are you alright? Do you need to sit down?” He asks and you look around to get a grip on reality, giving him a nod as you move to sit on the couch.
“I—I'm fine.” You stutter your response. “Just—the nerves. Moving and all.” You lie.
“I understand.” He smiles at you but the look on his face tells you that he doesn’t believe you. “I know moving isn’t all that easy.” He says as he walks over to the balcony and slides the door open. You inhale deeply as the cool autumn breeze blows in and brushes against your face. “Do you have any questions about the place? Any concerns?” He asks as he takes a seat on the armchair, his ankle resting above his knee as he leans against the arm of the seat.
“Uhhh—” God you feel like a fool. Ever since imagining Loki on the armchair, your mind wasn’t fully focused on the tour. Too busy questioning why your mind continues to conjure images of him. “Not really.” He chuckles and you look down at your hands in embarrassment.
“Very well. If you don’t mind, I do have a question for you.” You look up at him. “More like a screening question really but might I ask why you’re wanting to move? What of the place you have now? Bad landlord?”
You look down at your hands once more as you rub them against your thighs, a soft sigh leaving your lips as you think of what to tell him but only coming up with the real reason you decided to move out in the first place. To run away. “My roommate hasn’t been the best to live with lately.” It’s not entirely a lie but it’s not the whole truth either.
“I see.” You hear him hum. “But they savory enough to live with before? What changed?”
You sigh. “—so many things.” And it shocks you at how open you’re being with this stranger.
He doesn't know you and you don’t know him either. You could easily refuse to answer his questions and just end the viewing all at once. But with how he’s looking at you and how soft he speaks, the timbre of his voice almost dampening the tension that surrounds you, you can’t help but feel at ease and feel the desire to let out all your frustrations.
You haven’t spoken to anyone about what happened to you and Loki. There’s no one to tell. Not even your best friends for not only have you not found the time to inform them of the ongoings of your life, but you don’t want to pester them with the woes of your heart. With how pathetic of a drama your life has reached. Yet here’s this man, probably old enough to be your dad, giving you something akin to support that you didn’t know you desperately needed.
“Have you talked to them about it?”
“Huh?”
“Have you told them why you no longer find them bearable to live with?”
“I don’t— I—” You stutter and he chuckles lightly at your confusion.
“You should talk to them. Iron out any wrinkles before you move.” He says, his fingers tapping against his shin as he keeps his eyes on you.
“Why? Wouldn’t leaving be better to avoid any bad blood?”
“Do they know you’re leaving?” You shake your head to the negative. “Then that would cause even more bad blood and life is too short to make enemies.” He speaks as if he’s taking from experience. “And running away doesn’t really solve anything.” He adds and your eyes widen at his comment, feeling vulnerable with how much he’s reading into your emotions. “Not that we wouldn’t want you to rent our place, that would be marvelous actually. But if you don’t clear things out before you move, then you’re just bringing your problems wherever you go.”
“I never said I was running away.” You say almost defensively.
“I know. But you look like it.” He answers as if it’s an obvious fact. “I was in your shoes once. That’s why I bought this place,” His hand waves around the apartment before resting it back on his leg. “So that I could get away from all my problems. Start fresh. Clean slate. Easy. But my problems only followed me back here and the apartment never truly felt like home, it felt more like a prison because I would willingly shut myself in.”
You stare at him as the advice he gave you begins to slowly sink into your bones. You’ve never had a decent talk with Loki. Even after he told you of his feelings, not once have you both sat down and faced the problem head-on, and here you are once more, finding ways to avoid him. Running away and with how your mind began playing with you, you can’t help but agree with Jonah. That the problems will just materialize themselves if you don’t attempt to fix them.
“Talk to them. It’ll also help you breathe easier.” He smiles and you give him a sincere one back. Your heart feeling somewhat light from his words of advice. “So, if you’re still interested in renting out the property, just send us an email and my wife will get back to you with the paperwork. I’ll even keep the place vacant for a month until you decide.”
Your eyes widen in surprise at his offer. “Oh—you don’t have t—”
“It’s alright. Really.” He chuckles at your state of shock. “I see myself a lot in you and I know when to offer help, especially to someone who needs it.”
You nod and follow him when he stands, shaking his hand when he offers it and walking to the front door. “Thank you so much, Mr. Morran. For everything.” You smile and give the apartment a once over before looking back at him. “You do have a lovely home.”
“Please, dear, Jonah will do.” He says, giving your hand a gentle pat before walking with you to the elevator.
-
“I’m beat.” Sam groans as he swivels in his chair, giving yours a light kick that makes you face him curiously. “Coffee break?” You look at your thermos and see it empty, nodding at his request before taking your wallet and phone and standing from your seat. “Starbucks or 711?”
“Depends. Are we feeling fancy or are we feeling cheap?” You laugh and follow him to the elevator.
As you and Sam walk across the lobby, you turn your head when you hear your name being called and freeze when you see Steve approaching you. You take a step back, Sam’s hands holding your shoulders when you bump into him as Steve steps closer.
“What’s wrong?” Sam asks, looking at Steve curiously. “Who’s that?”
“Nobody.” You answer before righting yourself. “What do you want? I thought I said to leave me alone?”
“Please. I just want to talk.” Steve says and you snort when you see the fading bruise on his eye and the cut on his lip. “Just coffee or even no coffee. We can talk right here. Please, just a few minutes. That’s all I’m asking.”
You didn’t think that you would see Steve again. You thought he got the message when you blocked him completely. But you were too confident to think that he would stay away. He was persistent the first time and it would only be natural that he would do the same a second time around.
Your brows draw together as you take on Steve’s image, huffing out a breath before looking back at Sam. “I’m feeling Starbucks today. You?”
“Starbucks sounds nice.” Sam grins.
You turn to Steve. “You’re buying Sam’s coffee too. Just coffee and talk. We have fifteen minutes to spend.” You say curtly and walk out of the building, Sam walking in step with you and Steve following behind like a lost puppy.
You sit down with Sam as you wait for Steve to get your drinks. You sense him looking at you and probably itching to ask who Steve is. So you face him and give him a sigh, rolling your eyes when you see the smirk playing on his lips.
“He’s my roommate’s friend and he was an ass to me.” You simply say and turn your attention back to the busy cafe.
“He looks pathetic.” You snort at Sam’s comment before facing him with a raised eyebrow. “I mean, he’s one burly dude yet he’s begging like a kid just for you to talk to him? He must have done something really stupid for him to get to that level.”
“You could probably say that.” You chuckle and then look up when Steve approaches your table, two large cups and a small one nestled in the paper tray.
Sam looks at the cups and reaches for his, standing from his seat right after. “Alright. I guess I’m no longer needed here.” He says, raising his cup to Steve. “Thanks for the coffee, dude. And you,” He turns to you and winks. “He messes with you, you know where to find me.” He grins, nodding once more at Steve before leaving.
You take yours and hum at the warmth of the cup when you wrap your hands around it. Taking in the aroma of the macchiato before looking over at Steve as he sits across from you.
“Okay. Talk.” You instruct before taking a welcome sip of the hot beverage.
“Dove—”
“No. Let me stop you right there.” You cut him off by holding a finger to him. “That’s not my name and I would really appreciate it if you would stop calling me that.” You snap, tamping down your growing annoyance with another sip.
“I’m sorry—” He frowns and bows his head, looking down at the table. “For everything. I overstepped and that was wrong for me to do.” You hum mid-way as he speaks. “I just—I really like you and became protective of you and seeing you crying? I couldn’t bare it.”
“So you had to threaten Loki for you to bare it?” You mock before shooting your eyes to the heavens when he looks at you with confusion. “It’s not only that, Steve. You and Loki can beat the shit out of each other and I couldn’t care less,” That’s a lie. Of course, you would care about Loki getting hurt. “but you kissed me. Two times. Even after we talked about staying friends and you were even the one who suggested to be friends.” You huff and flex your fingers to calm your nerves. “You’re a great guy, Steve. Really. You’re sweet and I enjoyed your company a lot but you just went overboard and it’s become too much.” You sigh deeply and face him once more. “I don’t know if I can be friends with you. If Loki invites you to the apartment again for a game night or whatever you guys usually do, then I’ll be civil but beyond that, I’m not really sure.”
“I—” He looks at you almost to the verge of tears then nods. “I understand. And I’m really really sorry.”
“It’s alright,” You nod and look down at your phone, standing when you notice the time. “My fifteen is over. I should be heading back.” He nods at you and you make to walk away but when you glance at him once more, seeing the defeat in his entire being, you can’t help the swirl of pity that fills you.
Yes, he’s stepped on some boundaries but what you said is true. That he is a great guy. If he didn’t cross lines and respected what you wanted, you don’t doubt that the both of you would have been good friends.
You let out a sigh and groan inwardly, poking his muscley arm before nodding your head in the direction of the door. “Walk me back.” You tell him and you don’t know why you’re even tossing him a bone. But Jonah’s words from earlier runs through your head and you can’t help but agree that life is indeed too short to make enemies.
You don’t want Steve to be your friend, that you have already established. But you don’t want him to be your enemy either.
“Really?” He asks.
“Just walking, Steve.” You put your foot down and give him a serious look. “Nothing more.”
You want to roll your eyes when he gives you a wide smile but stop yourself, walking over to the exit and feeling him trail behind you.
-
Friday finally arrives and you stay laying in bed after your alarm woke you up. You forgot that you booked the day off in hopes of looking for more places to view but after the last one, you decided to put a halt to the search, taking in Jonah's words about talking to Loki before even considering taking the leap of moving.
You’ve been staring at the images of the apartment for the past couple of days. Admiring the fixtures and how perfect it looks for you to live in. But you refrain from sending them an email, even more now as Loki continues to leave you with his gifts: food prepared and packed on the kitchen counter, even taking the liberty of filling your tumbler with coffee himself. The letter has also been a mainstay but he’s now added flowers to the mix.
Each day is different. Some days a bouquet and other days, a single-stem blossom. And it makes you think where he gets these for you know where he works, you’ve passed by it a couple of times in the past to drop him off some dinner, and not once have you seen a flower shop nearby.
The clang of a pan sounds from outside your door and you sit up, looking at the clock on your nightstand and taking note of the time. Loki is home. And you don’t doubt that he’s fixing you up something to eat. Getting out of bed, you make your way to your ensuite to wash your face and brush your teeth, slipping on a hoodie over your camisole before taking a deep breath and quietly opening your door, not wanting to startle your roommate from his task.
And just as you expected, he’s busy in the kitchen. Your lunch container already sitting on the counter, a bouquet of sunflowers resting beside it. You know that he’s making an omelet from the aroma that fills the living room.
Talk to him. You hear Jonah’s voice in your head as you continue watching Loki. Your teeth worry your lip as you try to find the courage to do so. You’re still nervous about facing him, that’s the reality of it. Your body shivering lightly just from the thought of speaking with him again after a week of silence. But he’s right. Jonah is right. Either you choose to move out or stay, you have to fix the bridge between you and Loki. He means a lot to you even with the lingering pain and as much as you wanted to run away from him, deep down, you know that you don’t want to lose him.
Slowly, you make your way to the living room, breathing through your nose as you try to calm your nerves then leaning against the back of the couch to spectate him in his role of chef.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Jesus Christ!” He yelps and you can’t help the giggle that escapes your lips at his reaction. His face then softens albeit still shocked from your sudden appearance and you move over to the counter, sitting on the stool. “I know—but I want to.” He says, sliding the egg dish into the container.
“I mean, you don’t have to do that because I don’t have work today.” You tell him, resting your elbow on the marble surface and then leaning your cheek against your fist. “Booked the day off today.”
You’re talking. That’s good. Keep going. You push yourself and tighten your fist, grasping onto the courage that tries to flee.
“Oh,” Loki says, placing the pan back on the stove. “You can still eat it later today. Or you can eat it now?” He gives you a small smile, opening then closing a drawer before handing you a fork. “Breakfast.”
You take the fork from him and slice through the dish, humming as you take your first bite. “Uhhh—needs salt.” You comment, Loki immediately turning around to grab the salt shaker from the spice cabinet and placing it beside you. “Thank you.”
You eat in silence. Loki watching you from across the counter, happy that he’s keeping his distance. You’re ready to talk to him but touch is a whole other subject you can’t quite grasp on.
“You’re speaking to me again.” He says as you finish your meal, looking up at him before nodding at his words. “Does that mean you’ve forgiven me? You’re no longer angry with me?”
“Angry? No.” You shake your head before letting out a soft sigh. “Forgiven? No either.” He frowns. “But someone told me that I should talk to you. Fix things between us before—” You hesitate for a second, exhaling hard before you continue. “—before I leave.”
“Leave?” His eyes grow wide and in an instant, he’s beside you. You slip out of the stool and hold your hand out to him, Loki stopping, pain and panic etching on his face as he looks at you. “You’re leaving?” He asks once more. “You’re leaving me?”
“Things have just been too much lately, Loki.” You mumble, fiddling with your fingers as you try to cough out the words in your throat. “And I’ve been so confused and hurt and I just wanted to run away from it all. To run away from you.”
“Darling—”
“Please, let me finish.”
He nods and you swallow thickly as you push on.
“I found a place. Far from the city—probably 30 minutes by car and an hour by transit.” You move to sit on his armchair, hands folding atop your thighs, the weight and tension of the moment weighing you down physically and emotionally. “I already met the owner and he’s agreed to hold the unit for me until I’ve decided.”
Hope glimmers in his eyes, taking a step closer to you. “That means you haven’t—”
You shake your head. “Not yet.”
“What’s stopping you?” He asks although cautious.
You sigh, rubbing your hands against your knees. “You. You’re the one stopping me, Loki.” There’s strength in your words and the emotions you’ve been tamping down since last week begin to bubble over. Your tears spill from your eyes and your fists clench tightly against your skin as you choke out your next words. “Because everywhere I look, I see you! All I saw in that apartment was you! You sleeping on the bed. You watching your TV. You smiling that stupid smile of yours while watching the sunset!” You heave, wiping the tears away harshly with your sleeves. “I love you so much and I wish I didn’t. I wish we just fucked like normal people and that I never grew feelings for you. That way, I can move out without a hitch. But you’re imprinted on me for some reason and I can’t get away from—”
Your words get muffled when Loki presses his lips against yours. And you could feel your heart exploding, your hands reaching up to grab his wrists as he cups your face, lips, and teeth crashing against each other in a desperate kiss. You’re filled with need as his mouth moves greedily against yours, his hand moving to cradle the back of your head as he keeps you close.
You scold yourself as you find yourself kissing him back, your lips moving in their own accord, feeling that if you stop, your heart would stop along with it.
The kiss breaks when you both come up for air, Loki sliding down on his knees before you as he takes your hands in his own, pressing them against his lips as his tears begin to fall. Your heart constricts from the pain that radiates from his face.
“I’m so sorry—” He chokes out, his hands tightening around yours. “It was never my intention to hurt you. I would never want to hurt you but I did and now you’re suffering because of me. Because I was arrogant and selfish and a coward and—” He looks up at you, his mouth agape as if trying to grasp the words he wants to say. But you stop him, taking your hands from his to hold his face, shaking your head as you try to wipe away his tears.
“I’m sorry too—” You frown, your lips quivering as you try to stifle your tears. “I was so scared to think what you would do if you found out how I felt about you. I pulled away when we should have talked. I should have been braver else we wouldn’t be in this shit show.” You lean down and press your forehead against his as you can no longer bare to see the pain you’re causing the man you love.
It’s finally dawned on you. Your mistake since the beginning. Yes, he’s hurt you but seeing him now, just how broken he looks and how much pain he’s in, you know just as well that you’ve hurt him just as much. He’s tried countless times to reach out and all you did was pull away.
But you only did so to protect yourself. To protect your heart. Yet as you were trying to do just that, thinking it would be the best plan of action, you were breaking his in return. That everything he’s called himself, selfish, arrogant, a coward, was a reflection of you. You owe him just as much as he does you and you know that you should do just as much work to rebuild the relationship you once had. But you don’t know where to start.
“We’re so broken, Loki.” You mumble. I—I don’t know what to do. How do we fix this?”
“We’ll take it slow.” He says, almost enthusiastic yet wary, facing him when he tips your chin up. “We’ll start from the ground up. Do all the works and rebuild what we once had, maybe even turn it into something better.” There’s a smile fighting to show on his face but the frown wins the battle. “Even if it means we remain friends. Just—please,” He gasps, taking your hand and pressing it against his cheek. “Please, stay.”
You swallow hard and move to slide down from your seat, joining him on the floor and wrapping your arms around his neck to hold him tight. You both sob in silence, the cries of your hearts screaming loudly in the frigid morning.
You don’t know if this would work if this is what you both should do. You try to think of running away once more, of pulling through with your original plan but just the thought of saying goodbye to Loki as you pack your things and go, and seeing his face as you close the door, makes is hard to breathe. That a life without him, as pathetic as it sounds, would be a dull one to live in.
Then and there, you make up your mind and press a kiss on his temple as you nod. Your hand cradles his head as he buries his face on your neck, the sound of his cries tearing into your chest.
You whisper. “I’ll stay.”
-
You both end up on his armchair. His back against the seat and you on his lap, sitting in silence as you hold each other, making up for the time you both lost since the day you pulled away. Your eyes are sore from all the tears and when you look down at him, you see his eyes red and puffy and it makes you run your fingers through his hair and press a kiss on each eyelid.
His asleep. Beautiful even with how distraught he looks. His lashes fanned over his cheeks and his lips slightly parted as he breathes. He looks peaceful and you feel the same, leaning down to press a kiss on his forehead as you rest your cheek once more against his hair.
Your mind then flits back to Jonah. His advice swirling around you and you can’t help but think that he was sent by the heavens. Probably sick and tired of all the nonsense of your actions and decided to intervene and help you and Loki find each other once more.
Things are still beyond okay for the both of you. But you won’t hesitate to test the waters and give your best effort in rebuilding the bridge you both once had. To tie back the strings you both weaved together and make it whole once more. Though you are hopeful and that itself is enough.
“I’m rooting for you, Loki.” You mumble against his hair, your tears threatening to fall once more as you’re filled with so much love for this man. “I’m rooting for us.”