Work Text:
once upon a time, in some shitty ass disgusting horrible crime to modern architecture house cough cough SHOOTING RANGE in Romania, a bald blind man was sleeping like a little bitch. this man, who we unfortunately have to follow in this story, is a man who calls himself andrew tate.
andrew tate wakes up and he, like all men who don’t believe in monogamy going both ways, eats an entire jar of mayonnaise first thing in the morning, like the pathetic man he is. you see at first I thought that he would refuse to eat it because it looks like semen and he would definitely think that shit is gay but I don’t like mayonnaise so he is meant to love it i this thank you for listening. And he also has his daily gallo M of sparkling water because STILL WATER IS FOR POOR DISGUSTING CRETINS. YOU SCARED OF BUBBLES BITCH?!!?!
like the alpha gamer he is, he sludges over to his big pro gamer chair and his pc and his fantastic rainbow led light up keyboard like all the red flag gamer boys have. he is about to check his hustler’s university program. Unfortunately there is not much money he is getting from it becaus E the internet ha s revolutionised itself now and people realise that mlms are the spawn of Satan and he is only getting money from his two simps. This is unacceptable in Andrew’s eyes. There are too many depressed bitches in this universe, he thinks. If they weren’t depressed they would sub to his program that is less interesting than wbasically Shakespeare.
he looks over onto his little other social media accounts to see if there are any sad lonely desperate souls trying to get into his dms for the 60th time this week. but…. He cannot log in. Why is that? He keeps trying to log in but it doesn’t work!!! Clearly, if he believes hard enoigh, he should be able to log in, right?!!? he angrily sends a message to twitter calling them ugly elon musk worshipping whores
“sorry hoe!” Parag shouted into the distance. “you are a threat to our platform! bye! x”
Andrew destroys his keyboard, like a true goat would. Because if he can destroy the most powerful man on the planet, he can most certainly destroy his keyboard.
he looks over to his other social medias. Every one is gone too! He is disgusted.
”TRISTAN!” he yells out to his brother who he is definitely not in an incestuous relationship with. “GET YOUR ASS UP HERE!”
in two seconds flat this bearded fucker (with hair this time, thank god) falls from the ceiling and breaks his nexk
“what the fuck!!!!!! I was about to get 100% relationship points with my anime girlfriend in my high school dating simulator video game!!!!” His brother vomits on the floor
“You whore! I told you vaping was illegal! Do 100 push ups, now!”
he hops into one of his three bugattis and then immediately slams it into a lamppost
”men’s mental health doesn’t matter! i can’t ieve this is happening!” he cries like a little birch
All or a surdenthere was this massive rainbow makeup glitter explosion and there was this little curly haired man with blue eyes
“Ello luv im Harry styles”
”A BRIT! DISGUSTING!” He immediately shoots him with his shot gun
“wot the fuck im acc bleeding right now. can u coll the hospital luv?” the singer man asks
”no that shit’s gay.” He jumps out of the car.
“Not even a fag luv?”
Andrew shoots him again bc he doesn’t understand that word means cigarette in london. and ronald mcdonald appears. ugly clown bitch
“you seem angry and annoying. work at my house.” ronald shouts
Andrew tried to shoot him but Ronald is immortal. “RAN RAN RU!” the clown shrieks and a summoning circle appears in his shadow.
And then the McDonald’s aalarm begins.
Oh no.
He is in McDonald’s. He is in McDonald’s uniform.
“finally awake?” A man with a familiar voice speaks. Andrew looks up.
“elon musk?” He asks. “Are you not ceo of Tesla?”
“Let’s say, hypothetically - we were being held hostage by ronald mcdonald.” an tiny gremlin man speaks up beside him.
”Ben Shapiro!” Andrew is shocked. “you two are here too?”
“yes.” Elon musk sighs. “we have to keep working. i Want to see my cash cows again”
“i want to be the top g” andrew tate says
“Shut up hoe!” Ronald McDonald screams “you have no rights here! You defended harvey weinstein and your brother is a trafficker!”
“eat my ass!” Andrew says
”no! That shit’s gay!” Ronald McDonald replies, laughing. “Na na na na na! Got you bitch!”
andrew took a deep breath. And gasped.
He has no power here.
There is no escape.