Chapter Text
James, who was approximately eight inches taller than I was, stood casually, his bulging arms hanging loosely at his side. His thin lips were pressed into a tight, awkward line, making the rugged scar on his mouth more prominent. My face burned hot with embarrassment. "I am so sorry, James," I said, smashing the cigarette butt against the side of my boot. The smothered embers left gray smudges on the white rubber, which I scrubbed off with my thumb.
"Hey. It's all good, Doc," he replied with a staggering grin.
"Are you here to scold me like the others?"
His short, booming laugh bounced off the walls. "Nah. I'm just here to relax." He crossed the room and sank into the cot across from me, his knees spread wide and his hands on his thighs. The metal springs groaned against his weight. "Pass those over, would you?" He extended his arm in my direction. As I placed the cigarette box and lighter in his calloused hand, his thick fingers easily folded over them. "Thanks." Loosely gripping the filter with his teeth, he attempted to light a cigarette. It took several failed clicks before the lighter ignited. The tiny flame licked at the end of the cigarette, turning it bright orange. James inhaled deeply, causing the glowing butt to crackle. He then skillfully blew the smoke from the corner of his mouth.
I watched as it curled in the air like dark, angry waves before dispersing into nothingness. Without thinking, I rolled my own squished cigarette between the tips of my fingers, unsure of what to say. I slowly slid my tongue across my dry lips before asking, "How have you been?"
With his head tilted down, he glanced at me from beneath his heavy lashes. "You don't have to force a conversation. I have no problem sittin' in silence."
I rubbed at my neck with my free hand but nodded. "Thank you." The silence rose, our breathing the only noticeable noise. I was surprised to find that it wasn't unpleasant. James nearly smoked his cigarette to the filter before finally putting it out. The smell of ash and burnt nicotine clung to the air and nuzzled into the fabrics of our clothes and the plain sheets that were pulled taunt over the rows of cots. Several pairs of footsteps lumbered in the hallway just behind the door to the quarters, but luckily, no one bothered us.
"This is all so exhausting," I spoke before my mind registered the words falling from my tongue.
James' brown eyes shifted from whatever he was staring at on the floor to me, but he didn't adjust his casual composure. "What do you mean?"
I bit my lip, a piece of skin coming loose. "Everyone else is moving forward. Getting on with their life. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in a sort of limbo." With my knuckles digging into my hips, I inhaled deeply, trying to steady my heartbeat. "I feel like a pet waiting for her mistress to return, ignorant to the fact that she's not coming back. I just feel so…lost." The final word came out cracked as my jaw began to quiver. I laid my face down in my hands, my whole body weak and shaking. A jagged breath passed from my lips, sounding more similar to that of a sob. The crackled wall I had so carefully constructed crumbled, revealing the full extent of my grief. Salty tears pooled in my palms as I pressed them hard against my stinging eyes. There was nothing I could do to wash away the images of Shepard imprinted inside my lids, burning bright every time they closed. I gasped for air as my broken heart pulsed in my throat. For the first time in a year, I let myself hurt. Part of me feared I would never stop crying, but I didn't stop the sadness from rolling over me like cigarette smoke. When numbness finally returned to still my pain, I sniffled and dried my hands on my pants. James hadn't moved, but I saw my emotions reflected in the water in his eyes. Every line on his forehead and between his brows was visible, deep fissures in his tanned skin. "I'm sorry," I whispered feebly.
His adam's apple bobbed and the veins in his neck jumped as he swallowed. "Sorry for what? Expressing your emotions?" He crossed his arms over his chest, where he proudly displayed his silver dog tags. "If you didn't, people might start thinking you're an elcor." I let out a tired laugh, which made him smile in turn. "Losing someone is always hard. Especially when it's someone like Shepard. Someone strong and good. It was so silent that day. Like the whole galaxy was mourning her."
"The galaxy didn't know her the way I did."
"Listen, Doc. If it's too hard for you, I'm sure the Alliance can get someone else to go in your place."
In my mind's eye, my last memory of Shepard played. The fear flickered in her castleton-colored eyes, but her jaw was set, her stubborn mind already made. A promise on her lips as she caressed my face, putting words to what we had known for years. Strong hands gripped me like shackles, holding me back as she turned away from me for the last time. "No," I said firmly. "I have to do this. She protected all of us in her last moments, so it's only right that one of us protects her in death. Besides, it would be nice to have some closure. Perhaps I'll finally be able to move on."
James moved from the bed and gave my shoulder a squeeze, careful as to not use his full strength. "You're brave, Doc. I know you'll get through this."
"I appreciate that, James."
"I'll let you get some rest. You've got a big day tomorrow."
In just a few long strides, he was at the end of the room, pushing the button to open the door. "James," I said before he had the chance to step into the hallway.
"Yeah?"
I smiled kindly at him. "You've grown."
That made him laugh. "Nah. I've always towered over you."
"I meant emotionally."
A wave of seriousness suddenly passed over his features, and he pressed his lips together tightly. A muscle in his jaw jumped from under his skin. A few seconds of silence passed then he released a long breath through his nose, his nostrils flaring slightly. "I think war with the reapers made everyone grow. Goodnight, Liara." The door closed behind him with a whoosh, leaving me alone with the weight of his words.
That night I dreamt of a wildfire. Like an angry beast, it ate through a forest, charring greens and tearing limbs off trees. It forced animals from their homes and trapped them behind inescapable walls of red-hot flames and thick black smoke. Flowers shriveled to crisps, and the body of water nearby hissed as it boiled fish alive. In the fire's wake, the smell of death clung to the air. The forest, once lush and full of life, was still and drained of its colors. Next to a pile of collapsed wood, still hot and smoking, was a flower. It sat on its delicate stem, its velvety white petals curled together in a shape similar to that of a bowl. A peony, alone and untouched in the midst of destruction.