Chapter Text
lV
Lexa was fifteen years old when she fell in love for the first time. Costia came into her life and shook up her entire world.
She sat in front of her sophomore year in history, with her cascading curls and flowery perfume. She twirled her hair whenever she asked a question, and dotted her I’s with hearts.
She had Lexa completely wrapped around her finger.
One day, early fall, Lexa made her move and asked her out. She would say the rest was history, but what happened had put a damper on her entire future.
They went out a couple times, for dinner dates at a local restaurant. Costia always ordered chicken alfredo and Lexa ordered pizza.
Costia had a way of making Lexa forget about her troubles at home. She made her forget how embarrassed her mother was to be seen with her. She hardly ever went out in public together, so when Costia had no problem being openly affectionate with her, even after telling her about her condition, Lexa embraced it.
Until she made the mistake of inviting Costia over one Tuesday evening. Her mother always worked late on Tuesday, it helped tenfold with the bills. But Lexa had no idea that her mother was going to be coming home early that day.
She brought Costia home, took her to her bedroom, and they made out until their hands started to roam. Lexa was so caught up in being near Costia that she didn’t hear the garage open. She didn’t hear the alarm chime when her mother walked through the door. The only thing she was focused on was Costia’s hands on the outline of her member.
Lexa could still hear the screams from her mother ringing in her ears as she wiped down the counters. She could still feel the way her mother pushed her out the door, throwing her clothes with her. Lexa remembered Costia’s broken-hearted expression, crying as she left her house.
It was a horrible day, a terrible experience, and ever since that day she thought that love was weakness.
Love weakened even the strongest parts of Lexa. Love weakened her ability to see clearly. Love weakened, love weakened, love weakened. She didn’t think her view on love would ever change.
Lexa was very closed off after what happened. She didn’t let anyone get close to her besides the people she worked with. She realized long ago that while she may have offered an ear for people to vent, people never expected her to vent back.
Only Anya knew her deepest thoughts about how she would probably never repair her relationship with her mother. Or how she mourned the father she never had.
Lexa would’ve never guessed a woman she barely knew would have a way of opening herself up in a way she hadn’t done since Costia.
It was Friday. Raven and her friends were here. Octavia and her hospital buddies were here, and Bellamy and his lawyer colleagues were here.
Lexa was overwhelmingly busy. However, she had Anya and Indra helping her. She never got a chance to ask how Anya’s date went because they were slammed right now.
Even after nine o’clock, things were still intense. Anya went on break, and Indra shortly after. No one had to work tomorrow, and they were certainly taking advantage of it.
Lexa didn’t mind. It shifted her thoughts from melancholic to stoic. It was as if she was a robot, the way she was mixing these drinks. She mixed them up before Octavia even asked for her drink or Zoe asked for hers.
She cracked open beers for Raven while she poured the rest for Bellamy.
Even after all this time, Lexa couldn’t believe how well her bar turned out. When she constantly thought about those early days of sophomore year when she was happy, this bar was the only thing that seemed to keep her grounded.
When she had nothing else, this bar was the only thing she felt like she had left.
So Lexa sat back and absorbed the progress of her bar when she finally had a moment to breathe. Anya was stocking up on cups while Indra was pulling around a couple kegs.
Lincoln was somewhere off to the side of her, probably making heart eyes at Octavia.
“No need for help, commander.” Indra grunted as she made her way over to her.
“You looked like you had it under control.”
Indra let out a rare laugh before pouring fresh ice in the freezer below the bar. Lexa was going to ask Indra if she could get her a clean towel when the door to her bar dinged over the loud music Anya blasted. It was old music from the 2000s. Fergie’s voice sang through the speakers but someone walking in caught the attention of almost everyone because everyone who was usually here by now was here.
It was nearing eleven and Lexa felt like all the breath in her lungs was sucked completely out.
Clarke walked into the bar with a low cut black dress and navy heels. Lexa had to force herself to look away when Monty asked for another Long Island.
Lexa couldn’t deny the fact that she was drawn to Clarke, because she was. It was more than just curiosity when it came to the blonde hair beauty.
Clarke was gorgeous, and Lexa felt her mouth going dry.
She tried to fight off the smile when Clarke sat down on her side of the bar. She couldn’t remember the last time someone made her smile unprovoked.
“Hey.” Lexa said casually.
Clarke smiled thinly at her.
“Hey.”
She sat down, her purse clutched tightly at her side.
“Three shots please.”
Lexa turned around to get the tequila, keeping an eye on everything else. She tried not to make eye contact with Clarke but it was nearly impossible.
Clarke walked in here like she had a mission, and Lexa wanted to know what it was.
Lexa poured out three shots for Clarke before handing Bellamy another beer he silently asked for. She cracked one open for Raven while Octavia came over to give Clarke a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
She still wondered how they became fast friends. Lexa watched as Clarke openly embraced the shorter brunette, smiling as they exchanged pleasantries.
The bar was vacant after everyone got their desired drink and mingled. It was just her and Clarke at the bar. Lexa tried to compose herself.
“It’s kinda nice seeing you back in your element,” Clarke said as she drummed her fingers against the counter. “It’s sexy.”
Was Clarke provoking her? Trying to pull a reaction from her? All Lexa knew was that Clarke could be anywhere right now but she was choosing to be right in front of her.
Lexa wanted to say something back mostly so Clarke could know her words hadn’t affected her…. All that much. Lexa was racking her brain for something but she came up incredibly short.
Lexa wanted to ask Clarke all types of things. From what she had for breakfast to what she wanted to do in five years. Lexa couldn’t seem to find the balance between keeping things casual and diving straight in.
Clarke’s blue eyes seemed to pull her in, even to the deepest parts of her. Lexa didn’t know how to handle it.
“I can’t tell if you’re fuckin’ with me or being serious.” Lexa finally settled on saying.
Clarke snorted cutely, her head thrown back in laughter exposing her delicious neck.
Lexa tried to calm her breathing.
“If I was fuckin’ with you, you’d know.” Clarke’s voice dropped down a few octaves. A rumble that disturbed Lexa to her core.
Lexa was adding this to the (hopefully) long lists of Clarke’s flirtatious attempts.
It drove Lexa to the brink of insanity. Clarke was here but all Lexa wanted to do was take her to the back room, have a little fun.
But she thought about the last time that happened, and the thought quickly left her mind.
“Do you want another shot?” Lexa asked. She could tell by the way Clarke was looking at her that her voice trembled.
Lexa was losing her touch.
Clarke shook her head slowly.
She waited a moment, toying with the fact that she definitely had the upper hand.
“I think I’m going to go dance.”
Of course Usher’s Yeah! would come on at this exact moment, and Lexa made a mental note to kill Anya later.
Octavia met up with Clarke on the dance floor as did Raven and Lexa watched in amusement as they all seemed to dance sloppily yet completely in accordance with each other.
Raven was grinding against Clarke who was dancing on Octavia. Lexa couldn’t lie. She couldn’t take her eyes off the way Clarke was rolling her hips. She was tipsy but she was on beat with the song.
Anya came around the bar, her arms crossed in front of her.
“Alright, totally into Raven but I wouldn’t mind seeing her kiss your girl.” Anya said.
Lexa looked at her incredulously and said, “She’s not my girl.”
Now Anya was the one to look at her crazy and Lexa just huffed.
Octavia took Clarke by her hips, and Raven came in between them. It was like watching a very uncoordinated exotic video. As much as Lexa wanted to look away, she couldn’t. Clarke had moves, a lot of moves. Before Lexa remembered that the blonde told her she was a dancer.
There was a brief moment where Clarke caught her eye. Lexa still had no idea if it was accidental. By the way she was grinding against Raven couldn’t have been accidental. She didn’t think there would ever be a day where Clarke didn’t unravel her.
To Lexa’s disappointment, the song ended, and Clarke staggered back over to the bar.
“Whew, I could use a shot.” Clarke said. Her hair line was slightly sweaty and she looked really, really phenomenal.
Lexa had seen many beautiful women walk into her bar. She thought Octavia was extremely attractive, but Clarke was giving her a run for her money.
Lexa tripped over herself as she went to retrieve the tequila bottle. With images of Clarke rolling her hips against Raven, and her being slightly out of breath, it made Lexa trip over her own two feet, literally.
She went tumbling down, landing awkwardly on her elbows.
“Ow!”
The entire bar seemed to halt, freezing everyone in time. Anya was the first to get to her.
“What hurts?”
“Ugh,” Lexa said, trying to get up. “Everything.”
“Quick, somebody call 9-1-1. I need my favorite bartender next week!” Raven called out dramatically.
Anya glared at her.
“Don’t you dare call anyone, any of you.” She helped Lexa up.
“I truly think I just need some ice.”
Anya looked around warily. They both knew there were too many people here to leave the bar unintended.
“I can take her back.” Clarke said, standing up. Appearing sober than she was a couple minutes ago. “After all, I do feel responsible.”
Lexa’s eyes glazed over for a second thinking of the idea of having Clarke in close confinements with her. Their kitchen was small. She didn’t think she could handle it.
“Okay.”
Lexa ended up agreeing. She looked at Anya briefly before Clarke walked behind the counter and took her arm gently in hers.
“I’m so sorry.” Clarke murmured, running her hand gently across her arm.
A small bruise was forming but Lexa tried to keep her composure. She knew what would happen if she didn’t.
“It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have been so clumsy.”
“Let’s get you some ice.”
Lexa led them out back, leaving Anya, Indra and Lincoln to deal with the madness that was Friday nights.
She led them down the small and cramped hallway to the end where the kitchen was.
It could hardly be classified as a kitchen. This was where they kept the fresh fruit for beers and other cocktails and ice. Lots and lots of ice.
Lexa was grateful they had so much ice because she grabbed a cloth from the rusted shelf and scooped up a handful.
She sighed happily when she applied pressure.
“How’s your arm?” Clarke winced at the dark bruise.
Lexa glared at her because Clarke should be able to tell by the bruising how bad it was.
“It hurts.”
“I can make you an arm splint or something.”
“I don’t think it needs to go that far.”
“You have to let me make it up somehow.”
Lexa thought about it for a second, the endless possibilities.
But only one really came to mind.
“I got tickets to this indoor soccer game. The bookstore librarian gave them to me for being a loyal customer. Anya hates that kind of stuff. Maybe you could tag along.”
“Like a date?”
“No, not at all.” Lexa responded immediately before she remembered how this wasn’t Costia, and things didn’t always end in disaster. “Maybe a little.”
“So you want me to come on kind of a date with you?”
“I was wrong about you, Clarke.” Lexa frowned facetiously. “Maybe I’ll ask someone else.”
“Don’t be so dramatic.” Clarke huffed. “I’d love to.”
“Great.”
“Great.”
“Well, if you don’t need anything else. I think I’ll head home.” Clarke said.
“I can walk you out.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere.”
“Oh, don’t worry. And besides, last I heard you weren’t even getting any.”
“Hey!” Clarke pointed a teasing finger at her. “We told you that in confidence.”
“Why is it so hard for you to… find someone?”
“Because after some time, they just stop trying. All I am is a whore in their eyes and I don’t want to be. Besides, I’ve only been sleeping with one guy, truly, and it’s been… not so great.” Clarke explained.
“Maybe you just haven’t found your person.”
“People get weird when I don’t want to commit.” Clarke said, eyeing her down, trying to gauge her reaction.
“Maybe you just haven’t found your person.” Lexa said again, more boldly.
She wasn’t exactly sure what she was angling at. But she didn’t believe in love. At least not right now. If Clarke wanted easy, that was something she could give her.
“Maybe not.” Clarke said, the twinkle in her eyes, riveting. “Anyway, I’ll get out of your hair. When is the game?”
“Sunday morning.”
“I’ll see you then.”
Lexa wasn’t very sporty. She had to Google the teams that were playing that morning. She couldn’t turn down Mrs. Tally’s gift of being so loyal. The tickets were actually for Anya but Lexa knew she wasn’t going to take them.
Lexa had to work later that night but for now, she wanted to enjoy her morning off. Clarke met her up outside of the arena and they walked in together.
Lexa thought about the words they exchanged on Friday and her heart was thumping.
Clarke was wearing a pink sweater and dark jeans. The pink of the sweater matched the ends of Clarke’s hair and it was up in a ponytail. Although she was in simple clothing, Lexa thought she looked great.
Lexa was in a thick crew neck and trousers. She didn’t want to dress down for the “sorta” date.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been to a soccer game.”
Lexa held her breath before speaking.
“Mason doesn’t play?”
“No, actually. He’s not very sporty. I guess he takes after me.”
Lexa had no idea what Clarke meant by that. She didn’t bother asking because she knew the blonde wouldn’t explain further.
Getting to know Clarke was proving impossible. Lexa thought about getting to know her in other ways before she cleared her throat.
“Do you want any snacks?”
“I do,” Clarke said after a moment. “But I can pay for them myself since this is a half date.”
Clarke went to leave, and Lexa stopped her. Thousands of fans flooded past them. Most of them wore green to support Trikru and a good portion wore white to support Azgeda.
“I’m throwing in the towel, Clarke.”
Clarke looked around.
“Towel? What towel?”
Lexa smirked.
“No, I mean. Can this… be a real date?”
Clarke stiffened beneath her before relaxing.
“Fine. But I’m still paying for my own things.”
“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Lexa was screaming that Clarke reluctantly agreed to this being a date. An agreement was an agreement, in her eyes. She’d been wanting to ask Clarke out since the moment she laid eyes on her, and now here she was.
And she was totally freaking out.
She watched as Clarke stood in the ridiculously long line to get overpriced food. She snorted because she brought her own snacks but still waited for Clarke.
Twenty minutes later, Clarke was by her side again. Soft pretzels, cotton candy and nachos balanced in her arms.
“We are just watching a game. Not going to war.”
“Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Lexa.” Clarke mocked, even stuck her tongue out.
Lexa calmed her heart before leading them to the section of the seats.
They were pretty crappy seats all the way on top. Lexa couldn’t see the team without looking at the TV projecting overhead.
There weren’t too many people around them. They did the intellectual thing and filled up the empty seats lower below. Lexa thought about moving but if they stayed up here, she would be alone with Clarke. And that was exactly what she wanted.
“Who’s playing anyways?” Clarke asked.
“Uhm, Trikru and Azgeda. Trikru in green. Azgeda in white.”
“Do you have a favorite team?”
This was Lexa’s chance to impress Clarke. She wasn’t coordinated. They both knew that but somehow liking sports seemed to interest Clarke and Lexa could use all the leverage she could get.
“Trikru is pretty good.” Lexa said, as if she had a clue of what she was talking about.
“Cool. We’ll root for them.”
Clarke was this easy—going, blonde haired beauty that kept Lexa on her toes. Lexa didn’t know how she was going to survive an entire game sitting beside her.
The buzzer screamed loudly in their ears as they were in the back of the stands and the game was underway.
Clarke paid attention. Soccer was an easy sport to follow but Lexa was kind of lost. She tried to keep up, but she was failing. This wasn’t a cocktail menu. She had no idea what was going on.
Clarke was smiling though. Lexa would sneak glances whenever Clarke was so caught up in watching the game.
She was totally screwed because just watching her smile—watching her do just about anything— made her heart stop.
During halftime, she reached for her drink, and during the process, knocked over Clarke’s nachos.
“Lexa!” Clarke cried in disbelief.
“I’m sorry!” Lexa screeched. “I’m not coordinated for these seats.”
“I know I said I’d pay for my own stuff but you’re buying me more.”
“No way. I will not stand in that line.” Lexa protested.
“You knocked over my entire thing of nachos. You surely will!”
“Clarke, I will not—"
“Hey! Are you two going to kiss or what?” An older lady with black hair said deep within the crowd.
The two were so caught up in arguing about the nachos that they failed to see that they were live and on the KissCam.
Lexa felt her heart dropped, as Clarke clamped her mouth shut. Suddenly, dozens of eyes were on them. Lexa figured this would be how they kissed for the first time ever, assuming Clarke wanted to kiss in the first place.
The two of them just sat there, staring disbelievingly at themselves on the big screen. Before Lexa could say anything, Clarke gripped the back of her neck and pulled her in.
Lexa whimpered but relaxed in Clarke’s grip. Suddenly, no one else in the stands matter. Lexa knew how this looked. Two girls kissing on screen would be anyone’s wet dream. But Lexa brought Clarke here with the intentions of this being a date.
She had such a hard time reading people, when half her job was gauging people's reaction to things. She couldn’t tell what Clarke was thinking the majority of the time.
So when Clarke pulled her in, Lexa willingly closed the gap.
It was desperate, Lexa knew. This was something she’d been wanting to do for a while so she would take her chance whenever one presented itself.
Lexa kissed Clarke, and the way Clarke sucked her bottom lip made her heart flutter.
Clarke gripped the back of her neck tighter, sucking her bottom lip harder and Lexa almost wanted to pull away because their kiss was so intense, she didn’t want to get riled up.
Lexa kissed her in a way that was delicate but strong and Clarke’s response stole the breath right out of her lungs.
Before Lexa could deepen the kiss any further, Clarke pulled away. A satisfied smirk on her face.
“Whoa! Do it again!”
The camera flashed off them. They were both breathing heavily and avoiding eye contact.
The kiss lasted half a minute. Lexa wanted to know what would have happened if they continued. One minute they were arguing, and the next they were kissing. Lexa’s heart fluttered in confusion.
Clarke forgot about the nachos momentarily. Lexa wanted to bring up the kiss, but she didn’t want to be vexatious about it. Lexa just sat there waiting for Clarke to say something, but she never did.
She was excruciatingly quiet as she watched other couples around the arena kiss on camera. Lexa took this as her moment to leave and get the nachos Clarke demanded before they kissed.
She surprised herself when she didn’t tumble over her feet as she made her way down the stairs and out to the concession stand. Honestly, the more space between them the better. Lexa didn’t think she could look at Clarke properly without thinking of the kiss. Standing in the long line didn’t make it any better, but it was what Lexa needed to wrap her mind around all of this.
Would it be so crazy? Would Clarke even want to? She hinted about her lack of commitment, and truthfully, it didn’t bother Lexa at all. So what if Clarke didn’t want to commit? It wasn’t like Lexa was looking for a girlfriend. In fact, she was looking for the opposite, and Clarke’s name kept flashing in her mind.
Lexa knew an opportunity when it presented itself. But Clarke was strong-willed. She probably didn’t need Lexa to solve her problems.
As the line move, and Lexa purchased overpriced nachos, she went back to the stands.
“Lexa?”
Lexa whipped around when she heard a deep voice call her name.
“Lincoln? What are you–”
Then Lexa saw his green jersey.
“Oh, you’re a fan too?”
Lincoln chuckled. She spent a lot of time with him, but again, she was never one to openly discuss her problems. Lincoln had no idea what she had been through, and it was proving that Lexa didn’t know as much as she thought about Lincoln.
“Not quite,” He flashed her a golden smile. “I play. Defense.”
Lexa didn’t know how she missed him. Besides them being microscopic from where she was sitting, the majority of the first half of the game, she spent staring at Clarke.
“Lincoln, I’ve known you for two years. How did I not know you play soccer?”
“It’s not something I brag about, and all the games are local so there’s no traveling involved. It’s not a big league. Only eleven other teams.” Lincoln explained. “So, you’re here with that hot blonde? I totally saw you two smooch.”
“Oh Jesus. Please don’t tell Anya.” Lexa begged helplessly.
“Hey, your secret is safe with me.” Lincoln put his hands up.
“Does Octavia know you play?”
“Uhh, no she doesn’t. I don’t think anyone does until now.”
“Maybe you could be less mysterious.”
“I could say the same about you. This is the only secret I have.” Lincoln said earnestly.
“I guess I’ll see you back out there.” Lexa said.
She didn’t know what Clarke was feeling, and didn’t want to make it worse by serving her cold nachos.
Lincoln waved and Lexa dashed to the stands where Clarke was. She climbed the ridiculous amount of stairs before she shoved the nachos in Clarke’s face.
“Here.”
“God, you’re such a gentleman.” Clarke smirked.
They only had a couple minutes left before halftime was over, and Lexa sighed heavily.
“Clarke, I’ve been thinking…”
There was a moment where Clarke’s face looked worried, before she tried to cover it up. Lexa didn’t want her to think she had to do that, and sighed again. She didn’t know how to word this.
“The kiss… it was nice.”
“It was.”
Lexa blew out a breath.
“I was thinking… Maybe I could help you do some grocery shopping.”
Lexa finally voiced her thoughts, and she thought that was the hard part. It wasn’t. It was actually waiting for Clarke to respond.
“Would you really want that?” Clarke asked softly.
“I don’t care if you don’t want to commit, Clarke. I’m not looking for a relationship.”
“Neither am I.”
“Good.” Lexa hummed.
“Good.” Clarke agreed.
“I’ll have you know I’m the finest grocery shopper since sliced bread.”
Clarke cracked an ominous smile. “Oh, I bet.”
Clarke dropped the act moments later. “I just don’t think I can do anything that requires any sort of commitment. I would understand if that’s not what you want. I don’t think I’m going to change my mind and…”
“Clarke, I already told you. I’m on board.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
They watched the second half of the game, both smiling, and for once, for the exact same reason.