Work Text:
“Do you want to know or do you want to be her?
Will you ever understand or do you long to understand her?
What is life without a challenge? Without someone who keeps the secrets from you so you have to search and search and never surrender to indifference.”
- Unknown Author
She had messed up.
Tally had messed up big time. She could feel it. Her insides clenched together, cold sweat formed on her arms and goosebumps made her shiver. A moment ago everything had been alright but in the blink of an eye she had felt that she had done something incredibly wrong. The biddy didn’t know what it was but she knew that nothing could make it better.
Guilt trickled down her spine and she forced herself to keep moving. She still had a meeting to attend to, even if she feared that punishment would await her every second.
As she arrived at her General's office she let out a shuddering breath. Her knocking echoed through the empty hallways and did nothing to ease her nerves. Focus . She opened the door.
Sahra Alder stood at the window, back turned, dark hair braided skillfully and properly. It hung over her navy blue uniform jacket and Tally’s guilt rose up anew. She barely stopped herself from fleeing the scene but as her General turned the biddy stood still, posture stiff.
“General, you wanted a word with me?” She was surprised at how collected her voice sounded.
A mild smile slipped on General Alders lips and she gestured to her wooden desk.
“Why don’t you sit down? It won’t be long.”
They sat and silence enveloped the room until the older woman spoke up.
“I just wanted to ask how you are handling the situation. It has been a rather rushed decision to become a biddy so I just wanted to inquire if there were any…questions”, Alder said calmly.
Now that she took a closer look at the cadet, she didn’t seem too well. Her dark brown eyes were unfocused and a hard contrast to her light skin which shone sickly under the warm candlelight. Alder cocked her head to the side, eyes focusing on the blonde haired woman like an eagle would in his prey. Tally didn’t seem to notice, too lost in her thoughts.
Alders voice cut through her haze, making her look up.
“Tally.” Alder had never called her by her name before. Tally could feel an edge of worry which probably came from her General. “Tell me.”
The biddy averted her eyes, nervously chewing on her lip. “It has been...rather confusing.”
“There are times when I have felt…guilty. I feel guilty right now. As if I had done something wrong, something which I will regret forever.” A shuddering breath cut her off for a moment but she collected herself. “I don’t…I am afraid that I feel like this because I wasn’t ready for our bond, but I know that it wasn’t a mistake.” Her look turned determined as if she had never doubted her decision. But the fire in her eyes soon faded, making her miserable again.
Before Tally could go on, Alder spoke up.
“You know that for some biddys it's difficult to distinguish between their and my emotions in the beginning.” Tally looked at her General, confusion welling up. That made Alder smile a little as she continued: “I never had a chance to prepare you for our bond, so I wanted to talk with you. That's why we are here this evening.”
The blond woman in front of her seemed to mull over her words, chewing on her lip. Alder didn’t know how to help her, she clearly had arrived feeling very troubled and yet, her state seemed to worsen. She heaved out a sigh.
“Don't you look at me like that, cadet. You look like you’ll cry any mi-”
“Why don’t you show it? How can you not break down right in front of me?”
The General was startled at the animated outburst of the younger woman, surprise showing on her face. Tally had gotten up from her chair and leaned on the mahogany desk, hands clenched to fists, holding back tears.
“Because I’m used to it. It has always been like this.”
The calmness in her voice seemed to ground Tally and she let herself fall back on her chair.
“But how?”, she whined, massaging her aching head. “How can you feel like this all the time? It…”
“...sucks?” A humorous chuckle made Tally look at Alder again, her steel grey eyes blinking charmingly. “I am three hundred years old now. Sometimes it feels like time has passed in the blink of an eye, has robbed me of my happiness and motivation only to leave me with my ambitions and beliefs.” She leaned forward, laying one hand on Tallys.
“I have fought, have clawed my way to the top, have lost, have faltered but I won.”
Tally felt her Generals trembling hand on her own and wondered if the woman tried to comfort her or searched for comfort. The biddy softly muttered: “You won. But you don’t have to bear all of this alone.”
She turned her hand around and lightly threaded their fingers together. Alder didn’t look at her but Tally noticed that the woman was trying her best to keep her emotions in check.
“Let me help.”
You are not alone.