Chapter Text
November 1-Carmelo’s POV
It was so early that the sun had yet to rise, through the window the sky was pitch black. Carmelo had woken up, but he wasn’t sure why. He just wanted to sleep more. He looked at the clock and saw the bright red numbers, casting an ominous glow, the only light in the room. 3:18. Definitely too early to be awake.
Carmelo tried to get back to sleep but he couldn’t. Now that he was just laying there, alone in the darkness, his mind wouldn’t leave him alone. He couldn’t stop thinking about him.
He had so many cuts… he made all of those, he sliced open his skin over and over and over again and it’s all because of me, he thought. He couldn’t get the image of Rudy’s scarred arms out of his mind and it horrified him. How could I do that to him? How could I destroy something so beautiful? No, not beautiful, you can’t think he’s beautiful. He’s a boy, you can think of him like that. But it’s just something about him- I can’t get his smile out of my head. But that smile wasn’t real, was it? Of course it wasn’t, how could he really smile when I made his life a nightmare? His smile was real once but I ruined it, and now I can never see it.
Carmelo turned onto his side, facing the wall, away from the red glow of the clock, minutes ever ticking by. He put his hands over his ears as if to block out the sound of his thoughts, but it didn’t work. They just kept rushing in.
He’s gonna kill himself, he’s gonna die. Rudy’s gonna die. He’s gonna die and it’s all my fault. I’ll be the one who killed him. Oh god, I’m killing him. He’s- he’s gonna slit his wrists and bleed out, and I’ll be helpless, I’ll just watch, and I’ll sit next to him as he dies and he’ll tell me it’s all my fault and he’ll be right, he hates me so much and so do I, and I’ll try to call 911 but he won’t let me, it’s not like they’d get here in time anyway, he says it’d be cruel to force him to keep living after I ruined his life and I’d believe him, and he’d die and his lifeless body would be right there, oh god his blood is everywhere, he’s dead, he died and his blood is on my hands and and- maybe I should die too?? It’s only fair, it’s only fair if I- and then I take the knife and I- I- but I can’t- I can’t do it because I’m too fucking weak- why can’t I do it??? He did and it was my fault so it’s only fair- it’s the least I could do- it’s only fair that I-
As the morbid scene played out in his mind his heartbeat started to race. It was so dark, there was only the eerie red light of the clock. That awful blood-red light, piercing meaningless numbers into his skull. He looked at the cat scratches on his wrist, but he could barely see them in the darkness. They were so small. Far too small to even come close to bleeding out. He couldn’t get the scene of Rudy’s death out of his mind, the gashes on his wrists were so deep, there was so much blood, so much blood everywhere. Down his arms and on the knife and his clothes and the ground and all over Carmelo’s hands. He killed him, even if he wasn’t the one to hold the knife and slit his wrists he knew that he’d killed him.
He’s gonna die he’s gonna die he’s gonna die I’m gonna kill him I’m killing him I’m killing him it’s all my fault, oh god there’s so much blood, his blood’s on my hands and they’ll never be clean and I deserve to die too but I’m too weak, and I’ll never get to see his real smile and-
His breath was getting faster and faster with each thought, he felt tears stream down his face, the light was getting brighter, it was burning him. He was burning, he was dying, but he deserved to die so it was okay. Burning dying burning dying burning dying, crying- why was he crying?? He was a man, he shouldn’t cry, it was weak to cry- Breathing faster, faster faster, in out in out in out in out, burning dying burning dying, Rudy is gonna die, he’s dying, bleeding out, blood everywhere blood on his hands, his hands were shaking, heart beating faster, faster faster, breathing beating burning crying bleeding shaking dying dying dying dying dying-
Then, a knock on the door. So loud, so scary. It made his panic so much worse, he was a wild animal and the noise was a danger and he pressed himself into the corner of the wall to hide but it wasn’t enough because there was still more noise.
“Carmelo, are you okay?? I heard crying. Can I come in?”
No no no don’t come in I’m a murderer I killed him I- you can’t see me like this just let me die- just let die me I deserve it I deserve to die just go away god please just go away-
“If you don’t answer I’m opening the door.”
No no no no no no no please oh god please don’t- But he couldn’t speak, how could he speak if he was dying? The red light was so bright and it was burning him and he was gonna burn and die and he was crying so loudly and-
More light, more burning, the door was opened and someone was there and he pressed himself even further into the corner and he was breathing so fast and shaking and crying and she looked so worried and he looked so pathetic.
“Baby, did something happen?? Are you okay??” Her face, her terrified face was too much for him he couldn’t meet her eyes, he had to look away he couldn’t let her see him dying-
“D-d-don-don’t- don’t-“ He tried but he couldn’t speak, he could barely get out one word he was breathing too fast, there was no room for words.
She came closer and he flinched back, pressing himself as far into the wall as he could and curling up into a ball to protect himself. “Carmelo I need you to talk to me, what’s happening?”
“I- I- c-ca- can’t- I-“ He was burning he was dying burning dying burning dying burning dying-
She sat on the bed and she put her hands on his shoulders and he tried to get away but he couldn’t because he was in the corner and he was so scared- and he looked up at her, but it was only his mom. She wasn’t a threat, why did he think she was? She was his mom, She was safe, she could protect him, she could save him.
She was about to say something but before she could he dove forward, wrapping his arms around her and pressing his face into her chest and hugging her so tightly, like his life depended on it because it did- without her he would burn but she could put out the fire and save him.
She held him as he cried, she ran her hands down his back and through his hair, and she whispered, “shh, it’s okay, you’re okay, I’ve got you, baby, you’re okay, everything will be okay.” And his breathing and heartbeat started to slow down, and he was still crying and shaking a little but so much less. He was okay, he was safe. In the back of his mind he felt ashamed, crying and having to be comforted by his mother like a baby, but it was so nice, just to lay there in her arms and cry. It felt so safe, so warm, but not burning anymore, a kind and comforting type of warmth. He wasn’t dying anymore, she saved him. If only she could save Rudy too. His cries were starting to die down, but as they did the exhaustion crept in, and before he knew it he was slipping away into a warm nothingness, falling asleep right in his mother’s arms.
When Carmelo woke up again, he was alone. He had slept in through his alarm for over an hour, and when he finally woke he just stared at it. It was far less terrifying now that the morning light shone through the window, but he shuddered as he remembered that ominous red glow.
What even WAS that last night? he wondered as he sat up to turn off the alarm. He knocked it down so he wouldn’t have to look at the glowing numbers anymore. Am I going insane or something? Was that even real?
He thought back to the situation. It felt like a nightmare, but at the same time so painfully real. He hoped it wasn’t real, he didn’t want to think he’d freak out like that. He cringed when he remembered sobbing and clinging to his mom. He didn’t think he could be so… so vulnerable, so weak. What am I, a little girl?? No, I’m sixteen fucking years old, I’m literally almost a grown man, what grown man throws a fit and needs to be calmed down by his mom?? God, I hope that was just a bad dream.
He hated himself. Even if it wasn’t real, he still hated himself for even dreaming that up. And even more, he hated that the image of Rudy bleeding out was still in his mind. He shook his head to try and get it away somehow, but it was still there.
Impulsively, he threw the alarm clock across the room. Like he could throw the memories of last night away with it. He flinched as it landed with a crash, but he sort of hoped it broke. Maybe he could get a new, less scary alarm clock then. Or just sleep forever without anything to wake him up, that’d work too.
Then he remembered he was late for school so now was not the time to destroy traumatizing alarm clocks, and now he didn’t even know what time it was, so he scrambled out of bed and hurriedly changed his clothes. Hopefully he wouldn’t be too late and he’d still have time for a quick breakfast.
He was at the top of the staircase about to head downstairs when he heard his mom speaking to someone in the doorway. He leaned to the side, trying to see who it was. He caught a glimpse of unmistakable bright ginger hair, shining like sunlight against the dreary sky.
Wait, is that Rudy?? Carmelo dove behind the banister around the top of the stairs to avoid being seen. He peered through the bars to get a second look. It was definitely Rudy. Right there, not dead, not even bleeding. Oh thank god, he’s okay, he’s alive… but for how much longer? He tried to ignore that last thought.
Rudy was holding some sort of pale red paper. Carmelo couldn’t hear what he was saying from here, though. Why is he here?? Maybe- does it have to do with yesterday? Is he okay? Did he get attacked again?? Is he gonna die???
Though he strained his ears, he could only pick out a few words. Something about a letter. That made more sense. Why would Rudy come all the way here if he’d been attacked? He only came to him last time because he was the only one there. Carmelo knew he was probably the last person Rudy would ever come to for help if he had the choice. And he only had himself to blame. Though all he wanted was to help him, to make him feel okay, to make up for the pain he’d put him through, to do everything he possibly could to avoid that horrifying scene in his mind from becoming reality, Rudy was never going to trust him. He’d already ruined everything beyond repair. He wasn’t getting a second chance. He didn’t deserve a second chance.
As soon as he heard the door close, he headed downstairs and to the fridge. While he’d prefer to wait until his mom was out of sight to avoid the situation entirely, especially if that whole thing last night was real, he was late enough as it was and he needed to find something to eat quickly before he ran out of time. He started to gather the ingredients for a sandwich, but was interrupted by his mom.
“Oh, you’re finally up, dear. Good morning,” she greeted. “Are you feeling any better today?”
He didn’t look at her. He didn’t want her to see the emotion in his face. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
“Good, that’s good. Do… do you want to tell me what was wrong?”
“I told you I’m fine,” Carmelo repeated. He continued making his sandwich. If he just concentrated on that he wouldn’t get upset again.
“Baby, look at me,” Valentina said, kind but firm at the same time. Carmelo winced, but forced himself to meet her gaze. She continued, “last night, you really scared me. I’ve never seen you like that. Please, tell me what’s wrong. I just want to help you.”
He had to look away before he spoke. It was easier to lie that way. “I- I was just- it’s stupid, really! I was- I was just… thinking… about… um…” he trailed off. It wasn’t working. He couldn’t think of a convincing lie. If he had just been crying, that’d be one thing. He could think of an excuse. But this… he wasn’t even sure what this was. He couldn’t just brush it off, it’d probably be more concerning if he’d had that reaction over some mundane inconvenience.
“Honey, you know you can tell me anything, right? I’m your mother, it’s my job to help you when you need it,” she told him.
“I don’t need your help! I’m FINE!” Carmelo insisted. “Now would you please let me make this sandwich? I’m gonna be late for school.” He hated himself for being so rude to his mom when she was only trying to help, but he couldn’t let her see what he was really feeling. He could never let her see. He could never let anyone see.
She sighed. “Okay, obviously you don’t want to talk about it right now. I’ll leave you alone for now. But if you change your mind, please don’t be afraid to tell me.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever.” He turned back to his sandwich and finished making it, then went and put on a jacket and got his backpack, before heading toward the door.
“Oh, also someone brought a letter for you!” Valentina followed after him, showing him the letter. “He says you helped him out last night.”
“Thanks,” Carmelo muttered. He snatched the letter from her and stuffed it into his bag.
Why would he write me a letter? he wondered. I guess it’s to thank me for helping him yesterday. But that’s stupid, I barely did anything, and I bullied him every day until like two days ago. I don’t deserve his thanks, much less in the form of a handwritten letter.
He stopped himself from thinking about it more, he could worry about it later. Right now he needed to get to school
“Have a good day!” Valentina called after him as he left He didn’t respond.
He supposed he’d walk today. His mom drove him to school most of the time, but it wasn’t too far, it’d be fine. He walked sometimes anyway. It just probably wasn’t the best idea when he was already late.
He ate his sandwich as he walked, and soon enough he was at school. He was thankful for the heater when he went inside, it was freezing out there. Really not a good day to walk.
He’d already missed most of his first class, but he got there before it was over. The teacher scolded him for being so late, but he didn’t really care. He’d just borrow Emilio’s notes later anyway. And that was the least of his worries right now anyway.
The whole day, Carmelo felt sort of distant. He barely even noticed going from one class to the next, much less what was being taught. His mind was too preoccupied thinking about Rudy, and the letter, and his weird ‘dying’ thing last night, and Rudy getting attacked yesterday, and most of all, that horrible image of Rudy’s lifeless body in a pool of his own blood that he couldn’t get out of his mind. In every class he had with Rudy, he couldn’t help but stare at him, much more than he usually did, just to remind himself that he was still alive. He wasn’t bleeding. He hadn’t killed him. Not yet.
Soon enough it was time for lunch. When the bell rang, Carmelo was still feeling disoriented and lost in thought. It took him longer than he’d like to admit to realize what the sound meant. It wasn’t until he watched Rudy leave the classroom and wondered where he was going that he figured it out.
He followed Rudy to the cafeteria, but not too closely. He didn’t want him to feel threatened. He had his hair tied up today. It looked nice, he should do that more often. He was so pretty. And he looked so tired. Carmelo internally scolded himself for finding him pretty, and also hoped Rudy would get a good sleep tonight. He deserved to get as much sleep as he needed. He wished he could take care of him and make sure he was happy and healthy.
When he got to the cafeteria, he headed toward the familiar table where he always sat with his friends, Francis, Dino, and Emilio. They were all already there by the time he arrived.
“Oh, look who’s finally here,” Francis said as he sat down.
“Hah, yeah,” Carmelo replied halfheartedly. He was trying to see where Rudy was, but he couldn’t pick him out from the crowd. He just wanted to make sure he was still okay.
“Are you going to eat?” Emilio asked, looking up from his notebook.
“Huh?” Carmelo realized that he hadn’t brought any food from home or gone to get some from the cafeteria. He was just sitting there trying to find Rudy, even though he’d already stared at him all day. “Oh, uh, yeah.”
“Are you alright?” asked Dino. “You seem kinda spacey. Do you want me to go get you some food?”
“Sure, thank you,” he responded, still not fully paying attention.
Dino went to get him something to eat, Emilio wrote in his notebook, and Francis looked at his phone. Carmelo continued his search for Rudy and eventually spotted him at a table a little ways away. He was sitting there alone, without Tobias. Carmelo was wondering where he was when Dino came back with some food and a bottle of water. He put it in front of him before sitting back down.
“Here. I know these school lunches aren’t the best, but you should still make sure to eat enough,” he advised. He was a good friend. Very responsible. Better than Carmelo deserved.
“Thanks, man,” Carmelo said as he started to eat. “I’ll pay you back for it later.”
“It’s cool, wasn’t too expensive, you don’t have to.”
“Well, if you’re sure..” He knew he should argue more, insist to pay him back because he wasn’t worth spending the money on. But he was far too tired, and far too hungry, too, he’d realized after taking a few bites. Plus, he had more pressing matters to focus on.
Like the fact that Rudy seemed to be crying now. It was hard to tell from this distance, but if he looked carefully, he could see the shine of tears on his face, quickly wiped away only to be replaced with more.
Carmelo’s heart sank, seeing him like this, but knowing he could do nothing. He was too weak, too useless to do anything. He’d only make it worse. He always made it worse. But nonetheless, every bone in his body ached to do something, anything, to help him. To talk to him, comfort him, hold him close until he finally stopped crying, like his mother had done for him the night before. Whatever he needed to feel better, he’d give it to him. He’d protect him from whatever or whoever was hurting him. How dare they? Who could be so awful to do this to someone so wonderful? he’d make them pay.
But, oh. It’s me, isn’t it? he realized, even though he’d already known. It’s always me, I’m the awful one, I make him hurt. He’s crying because of me. And he bleeds because of me. And he’s going to die because of me. I’m going to kill him. God, I really am awful, aren’t I? I don’t deserve to be the one to help him. But… who will? Does he have anyone else? I guess there’s Tobias, but he’s not here now. Why isn’t he here? Rudy needs him, where the fuck is he??
“Dude, you actually gonna finish that food? I didn’t buy it for you to only have a few bites,” Dino said, snapping him out of his thoughts.
“Oh, yeah sorry. I’ll eat it,” Carmelo responded. He took a few bites, still looking at Rudy.
“Wow, can’t even stop staring at Rudy for a second, huh?” Francis commented, glancing up at him from his phone.
“Shut up, I wasn’t staring at him!” Carmelo defended by impulse. He couldn’t let them know. He couldn’t let anyone know. “It was just a GLANCE. And only because he looks stupid!”
“You have literally been ‘glancing’ at him all day, Carmelo,” Emilio said, still writing in his notebook.
“Oh like you’re one to talk! At least I don’t stalk him,” he pointed out. “I bet you’re writing about how hot you think Tobias is right now.”
“I do not write about superficial concepts such as physical attraction. Tobias is much more than that, and simply referring to him as ‘hot’ would be an insult. Sure, as the perfect being he is attractive, but that is just one small part of his perfection and-“
Carmelo cut him off. “Shush, I don’t wanna hear your Tobias rant. We all know you’re gay for him, you don’t need to remind us.”
“My sexuality has nothing to do with my feelings for Tobias. I am simply aware of his perfection in a way you are too blind to see. It’s not inherently romantic, it’s much more than that.”
“Wow, more than romantic? Sounds pretty gay to me dude.” Carmelo was painfully aware of the irony of his words, but it was better this way than to let his friends keep talking about him looking at Rudy when he didn’t have a real excuse.
“I won’t grace that with a real response. Obviously, you’re just making me talk about Tobias and accusing me of being gay to avoid talking about Rudy,” Emilio said.
“I-I’m not! Why would I do that??” Carmelo argued quickly, as he tried to think of another subject change now that Emilio had seen through the first one. “Hey you know where Rudy isn’t?? The mall. We should go there so I don’t have to look at his ugly face anymore.”
“Or you could just not look at him,” Emilio suggested. “And I don’t know how the mall relates to anything.”
“We should totally go. If we do we can go to Hot Topic right? ” Francis asked. It was hard to tell from his voice, but Carmelo knew he was excited. That was why he had suggested it, he knew from experience that Francis always wanted to go to the mall for Hot Topic, so he’d agree to the plan instead of pointing out how obvious of an excuse it was.
“Of course we can, dude! You can buy all the emo shit you want!” he told him.
“I hope you guys aren’t planning to go right now,” Dino said. “I’ll go, but only after school. You can’t keep skipping, you’ll get detention.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever dad. I meant after school anyway.”
“Good. And Francis, don’t spend all of your money at Hot Topic again or you won’t have enough for lunch.”
“That was one time! And you don’t understand, I had to get those boots. Did you not see how cool they were??” Francis defended.
“Even if you think they’re cool, they weren’t worth 100 dollars. You could have bought cheaper ones and had money left for food, which you actually need to survive,” Dino pointed out.
Carmelo only half listened as Dino and Francis argued about the boots. He’d already heard this argument far too many times, he didn’t need to hear it again. He really didn’t care what Francis chose to spend his money on.
As they argued, he looked back to where Rudy was, only to see that he wasn’t there. Carmelo felt an irrational amount of panic at this. He was crying and now he had left. He felt his heartbeat quickening, all of the worst possibilities running through his mind.
What if he hurts himself? What if he tries to kill himself? What if he’s crying all alone with no one to help him? Carmelo worried. That image of him bleeding out was still in his mind, overwhelming him now. But maybe he just finished his lunch? Or he went to the bathroom? Maybe he’s okay.
But he knew it was a lie. He’d seen his tears. He’d seen his cuts. He’d seen him cry himself to sleep on his couch yesterday. He knew he wasn’t okay, and he only had himself to blame. He was killing him.
Carmelo took a long drink of the water Dino had bought for him, trying to calm the burning feeling that was building in his chest. He felt sick. He was killing him. His blood was on his hands. He was probably bleeding right now, and Carmelo felt as if he was right there with him, holding the blade, pressing it into his skin. He might as well be, he was the one who drove him to it. And just that fact alone made him want to die. It would only be fair.
Please be okay, Rudy, he thought, as if somehow he could hear him. I need you to be okay. You deserve to be okay. And you deserve so much better than me.