Chapter Text
The water hit his boots at a dangerously fast place. The splashes reached even the tip of his coat, despite it already being soaked. Mondstadt was but a mere dream now, a faint remembrance of the flames he stoked at pyres. He left it all to burn. He was burning at first; his entire childhood has turned into a hell ground that he could never escape from, no matter where he went. When your home is burning, you save yourself first, don't you?
Diluc felt fear creeping uncomfortably close for the very first time.
He wouldn't dare to look into Jean's eyes, for they would only feed the flames. Feed his fear, and release it. He couldn't bear breaking down in front of her, when he was supposed to be her rock. Diluc was supposed to be the man who would never turn his back. Who wouldn't run away. Yet, he couldn't stay because he was afraid his anger would melt away Kaeya from existence. Thus he left; onto a place that would hopefully give him enough peace. That would cool him down and douse his flames.
Fontaine.
His horse was his father's; the only way to honour him without attending his funeral personally. He'd leave Windwheel Asters at his grave later. When he came back. If he could come back, ever. Diluc hoped that the world he left behind wouldn't morph into the ashes of himself. He prayed to Barbatos that He kept it safe. That He wouldn't let him destroy Jean, everything that Mondstadt stood for.
He pleaded all the way through the rain and the waterways cleansing him and his father of the ashes they left behind.
Soon, there would be nothing left to burn.
He prayed that Jean wouldn't cry too much. He wasn't worth her faith, after all. It was pathetic how such a proud boy like Diluc Ragnvindr, could completely come undone by the loss of his safety. The only thread tying him to Mondstadt, the only chain that he would willingly wear, because it was not restricting. It was a necklace of promises and hope. Crepus was everything that kept him grounded, everything that allowed him to not get too caught up in his achievements.
Crepus was the one who doused him when he was burning too much, since birth. Crepus was the one who controlled his rage, who controlled his fear. Diluc didn't know what to follow, much less who, now that he was gone.
Jean. Jean was too pure to taint. Jean has already gone through too much.
Even with her eyes, more soothing than the cold droplets that fell upon him, she couldn't douse his burning. He clutched her letters within his coat. He told her upfront, hoping that he wouldn't seem a coward, in that he wouldn't turn his back on her. But he couldn't look her in the eyes at all.
Diluc needed to learn how to feel less. Anything, even numbness, was welcome. Just so this pain would end. So that Jean would not hurt herself on his emotions; so that she would not suffer because he couldn't stop loving her. She would not burn because of him.
Even years later, even as he kept the letters, even as his father's steed was also laid into the ground, even as he finally came back to Mondstadt, even as he guarded his own heart better than he guarded his treasures. She would always ignite the flames that he swore that he would never let burn again. She would always pierce through like a gale, taking his pride, and every lack of it he forced out during his journey, somehow fundamentally changing and moving him no matter what.
Even now, he couldn't look her in her eyes, instead focusing on her bow. As they teamed up together to save Mondstadt from Stormterror's rage, collecting tears of the Dragon of the East, he couldn't help but feel slighted by destiny. Barbatos had a funny way of telling him how he failed. Now that He stood in front of them, Diluc couldn't believe it. Of course, he understood that Jean would figure it out faster than he would; she was just that competent. Diluc was certain of that.
He couldn't help but protect her. The first time he looked in her eyes again, after being back for a year, was to check if she was alright. His heart almost gave out to the flames again. Quickly thereafter, he pretended not to notice how she looked at him. He pretended that her eyes were not aimed at his being, as if she longed for him to look at her again. Diluc briskly left after stating his plans, feeling the grass tickling his boots through the leather.
He knew he was turning his back to Jean again, even though he faced her. Brushing his hair out of his face as he walked, he begged himself to stop thinking. He begged to forget this, and remember how to douse himself once more.
He begged no one in particular, because he knew Barbatos had forsaken him this time.
"Diluc!"
His heart attack was apparently not done for today. He stopped in his tracks, but didn't turn around. If he could guess what is going to happen, then he needed to prepare to reject her. It was too dangerous for the two of them; he was too dangerous for Jean.
Her hand slithered into his before he could ready himself. Another one found its way to his cheek, turning his head around swiftly. He suddenly stood face to face with her eyes, and his being erupted in flames, because she cried. Her eyes were glassy. Did Barbatos disappoint her too? The one thing he asked Him to do, the only prayer he uttered in years, and even that is useless to—-
"Diluc."
Her girl-like smile caught him off-guard. She changed; but she didn't lose her ability to feel happy. Diluc almost let his facade break down.
His hand moved to remove hers on his face. "Jean, you know this is—-"
"Inappropriate, I know." The relief in her eyes shone right through him, again. Diluc felt his face heat up, and he silently cursed himself for being such a child. "I don't mind."
"Jean, I—-"
"Can you please hear me out before you say anything?"
His hands were squeezed by hers, as if she was desperately clinging to him again. The sense of panic this triggered within him was soothed by her eyes, again.
"It is getting late. Do you want to go somewhere else to talk?"
"No." Her forehead bumped slightly against his, before she fully committed to leaning into it. "I'm... Riding a wave of confidence that I can't let go of. I apologize if any of what I do makes you uncomfortable in any way, I—-"
"It's alright." Even as he closed his eyes, he could feel her presence by her breath and touch. Somehow she enveloped him with peace within fear. He opened his eyes again to smile at her. "You're alright."
Diluc almost chuckled at himself. He was practically pathetic for running to her when he knew that she was better off without him. He simply can't resist this feeling, much less her requests. He failed her before; he was wholly unworthy. But he had no say in telling her what to think of him. He had no right to forbid her anything, no right to apologize for his actions. He had no right to any of her, and yet, here she was.
Jean took a deep breath. "I know you're afraid. I can feel your hands trembling, even now. I'm afraid too." Her voice was cracking, the tears returning. "But I can't... I can't help but long for your warmth. It's been so long, I know, but—-" she gasped for air, in order to keep her tears at bay. "Would you please reconsider pushing everyone—pushing me—away?"
She was hesitating. He recognized that in her voice, after knowing her for so long. Diluc squeezed her hands back, his smile never dropping.
"That's not all you have to say, is it?" He watched her recoil a bit from putting it so bluntly. "I already told you it's alright, no? It's just me, Jean."
A flicker of frustration was within her eyes, and before he could question whether he had ever seen her angry, she exclaimed with bated breath; "It's precisely because it's you , Diluc!"
"You left, and you needed to sort your feelings out, that was okay. You couldn't control them anymore and you were overtaken by your grief, that's alright. But how can you still- still punish yourself with these things I've long forgiven you for?!" Somehow within the same breath, and the clouds of her eyes finally storming, she lowered her hand from his cheek to clutch at his coat and continued. "How can you keep on hating yourself and making the decision for others that you're unworthy of anything?! How can you keep me outside of your life like this, when we both know that I want to be within it! How can you be that cruel to yourself?
"Don't you know how much I love you? How can you just ignore all of that? Especially when I know you..."
At that moment she faltered. Diluc didn't know whether to rejoice from the fact that she still felt the same way, that she wanted him back despite everything, or die from the way she couldn't say that she knew he loved her too. She probably wanted to spill a thousand apologies for losing her temper. Especially at someone she loved. Especially when she never loses her temper. He couldn't allow that kind of self-deprecation from her. He couldn't accept this confession so filled with knee-jerk fear, automatic dismissal of everything she said so far, as if it was a mistake. As if it was wrong at all. He was so glad that she said it at all. He couldn't allow her to back away now. Diluc felt such relief wash over him, however, that he didn't notice all the tears he was spilling himself. His body moved on his own, somehow, as one arm pulled her even closer by her waist, the other holding the back of her head, capturing her lips in a kiss. One of such they haven't shared in years. One that he couldn't find the words to ask for.
One they both yearned for, with Jean wrapping her arms around his neck, her hand entangling itself within his hair, just like it used to before. Diluc kept breaking them apart to kiss all of her tears away, his own smearing her face and dropping onto her clothes regardless. With every kiss, every tear, his mind echoed with one sentence that he whispered like a prayer;
"I love you"
If his flames burned and burnt everything in vicinity, then Jean willingly coming closer meant that she wanted to see his fire. She wanted him to hold her closer to him, wanted him to be her rock still, wanted him in her life. Jean, the lovely Jean, the one he hurt, the one he basically tortured with his false promises, believed in him changing and growing. She believed in the fact that his fire wouldn't hurt her more than its absence.
After a while, both of them were just heaving from the intensity and lack of breath. Their foreheads finding each other once more, the smiles they exchanged were sparkling with emotions beyond expression.
Jean sighed a bit. "We still have to talk about this, when we're both less... Distressed."
"Yeah, you're right. But right now, I simply want to revel in this." Diluc's gaze met hers so naturally, that he could barely get his wits about him. He was probably dreaming. "If you'd let me?"
"Please."
And that was word enough for him to kiss her again; slower this time, as if he was reassuring himself that this high wasn't just a fantasy. That this wasn't just him being a sick pervert; that this meant that he could truly stop this cycle of avoidance. That he could stop the numbness and everything that came with it. It would take time, of course, to do so entirely, but Diluc had no qualms about working as hard as he could, with Jean by his side. Because now, he could finally have her by his side.
Diluc could finally retrace his trails of ash, without destroying everything.