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Jared had only been gone for a day and Richard’s anxiety was already through the roof.
He knew that things would be more hectic without Jared there (some kind of business management conference taking place over a long weekend), but he didn’t expect how lost he’d feel. Apparently he’d started relying far more on Jared for peace of mind than he’d realized.
He’d be okay though. Jared would be back in a few days, he’d be energized from his weird business getaway, and things would be fine. Really.
He was still telling himself this later that night when everyone else was asleep and he was on the verge of a panic attack. It’s fine. It’s totally fine. Jared was only a few hours away, he’d be back soon, everything was totally fine.
It’s 4 AM and Richard is calling Jared even though he’s probably asleep because even though he’s totally fine, really, he doesn’t know what else to do. But everything is so totally okay that he was about to hang up because this is stupid, when Jared picks up.
“Richard?”
He sounds worried. Oh no. That’s not what he wanted.
“Richard, are you there?”
He hadn’t actually known what he wanted now that he thought about it.
“Is everything okay?”
He should really respond.
“No, uh… no, yeah, everything’s fine, Jared. Sorry for calling you this late.”
“Are you sure? You don’t sound very well, your breathing seems rather labored, are you having a panic attack?”
How can he even tell over the phone? “I, um. Maybe, I don’t really… know…”
“Try to take deep breaths. Can you focus on my voice? Does that help?”
It does. The anxiety is still there, but he doesn’t feel like he’s about to have a panic attack.
“Yeah, I… thanks, Jared. Sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you right now.”
“It’s not a problem. You can always call me if you need me.” Richard’s stomach does a little flip at that. “Did something happen today? I can come back early if you need me to–”
“Oh no, no, nothing happened, don’t worry, the company is fine, you don’t have to leave your conference. Everything is. Good. Great.”
“Well, that is a relief.” He pauses for a moment, and Richard can imagine the expression he gets on his face when he’s not sure if what he’s going to say is appropriate. “If I may ask… why were you about to have a panic attack at four in the morning if everything is okay?”
“It’s… nothing, it’s stupid.”
“Your feelings aren’t stupid, Richard.”
Richard wonders for the millionth time where a man this kind even came from.
“It’s just,” and he’s going to stop himself from rambling about the little things that have built up, but Jared is there, and listening and he doesn’t mind, “so many small things, and they just keep getting bigger. Like, like Dinesh and Gilfoyle, they’ve been so, so… I don’t know! You know how they are. But like, worse? I have no idea if they even got any work done today. And Erlich just gets high and laughs because apparently that’s better than actually trying to get everyone working, and I just, I have no idea how you manage to deal with all of us, honestly, or how you get us to do anything, you’re really good at what you do, Jared–”
“Thank you Richard, that’s very kind–”
“–and honestly I think I just really miss you.”
Wait. Fuck. He hadn’t meant to say that.
“Oh.”
God dammit.
“Fuck. I’m sorry. Just, just ignore me, I didn’t mean anything…” Which was a lie, because even if he hadn’t meant to say, didn’t mean it wasn’t true. He really missed Jared. He cared about him a lot, actually. He’d never really planned on saying anything about it, though. “I’m tired, and, and anxious, please ignore me, I didn’t–”
“I miss you too.”
“…oh.”
“I actually… I’m sorry, this is terribly inappropriate to be saying since we’re colleagues, but I care about you a great deal, Richard. I didn’t think I’d ever have a chance to express that.”
Oh fuck.
“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. I just felt that now seemed to be the only opportunity to tell you, since I don’t think I’d be able to face to face.”
“Jared, I…” He can’t breathe. Oh fuck, he can’t believe this is happening and he can’t breathe or talk what even is his luck–
“Oh no, I’m sorry, I made you uncomfortable, didn’t I? Please just forget I said anything, and I can try to help you with your anxiety–”
“I care about you too and I can’t even think properly right now but I think I want to go on a date with you when you’re back please don’t take it back, oh shit, I can’t breathe, oh my god.”
“Richard! Yes, of course, I’d love to go on a date with you, but you need to calm down, please, let me help…”
For the rest of the morning Richard was curled up on the couch listening to Jared talk about the conference, about an ideal bird watching spot he’d found, his ideas for the future, everything. And eventually, when he felt he could, Richard asked if he was sure that he wanted to go on a date.
Jared said, of course he did. And that he would make sure to text and call as much as Richard needed while he was gone, so they wouldn’t miss each other as much.
The distance no longer seemed so bad.
They ended up falling asleep on the phone together.