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Shinjuku was in ruins. The once-bustling and lively streets were flooded and devoid of any human life, and the scene of absolute wreckage was only exacerbated by the screams of terror that could be heard from miles around.
Everything that was happening right now was one-hundred percent, unequivocally, the fault of Doppo Kannonzaka.
How?
Well, that part is less clear. But as soon as he saw the Sharknado approaching the office building, Doppo’s balding manager knew his disgusting excuse for an employee was behind it all.
He looked out the shattered remains of his office window and furiously pecked a number into his phone with his middle finger.
“Kannonzaka, you better have a good excuse for this.”
On the other end of the line, on the other side of town, was Doppo Kannonzaka. Before he’d picked up the phone, he had been desperately fighting off an airborne shark with his Hypnosis Mic.
Oh, you thought he was rapping into it and hitting the sharks with harsh verses?
No.
He was slapping the thing with his Mic, which was exactly as effective as it sounds. But, it held the creature off long enough for Rio to improvise a quick Hydrogen Bomb, which he threw into the shark’s oral portal, exploding it violently. Miraculously, neither of them were in the so-called ‘Splash Zone’, and thus they avoided being splattered with the gory remains of the marine devil. Jyuto, who was fighting his own sharky battles to the side, however…
He wasn’t so lucky.
The blood failed to deter him, however; in fact, it may have spurred him on. Red specks dotted his vision as the blood splattered across his glasses, and he let out a terrifying shout as his chainsaw ripped through the smooth skin of the shark that flew at him. It fell to the ground, carved into two equal halves at his sides, as he panted.
“Jyuto! You saved me!” Hifumi beamed as he picked him up from behind and spun him. “My hero~!”
“Ack, Hifumi, my-” A sharp pop caused him to take a pained inhale. “My back...!”
“Hehe, oopsies!” Hifumi giggled unapologetically. Suddenly, his eyes widened, and he let out a gasp. “Jyutie, watch out!”
He pulled Jyuto to his side, holding him close as a shark flew at them, and activated his Hypnosis Mic.
“You think a few teeth scare me? Try women instead.
If you come for my loved ones, I’ll rap you dead!
Even in a Sharknado, we’re thinking ahead,
When we finish, you’ll only be a smear of red!”
In an instant, the shark exploded into pieces, a shower of blood, roses, and glitter raining down on all four boyfriends.
Rio took out a shotgun and obliterated three more sharks midair.
“Hey, wait, I thought guns were illegal. We were using our Mics as substitutes for guns this whole time. What?” Doppo looked around, confused. “Where did you get that?”
“I’m Crazy M.”
“Yeah Doppy-doo, what’s not clicking?”
“He has a point, Doppo.”
Doppo sighed, and was about to open his mouth to respond when his phone started to buzz threateningly.
Uh oh.
Shakily, he pulled it from his pocket and held it a full arms-length away from his face, opening one eye to check the caller ID. Yep. That was his manager.
“Kannonzaka, you better have a good excuse for this.”
His voice was calm and steady, but Doppo knew he was seething with rage on the other side of the line. He took a deep breath, and motioned for his boyfriends to continue further down the road without him while he took the call.
“Erm… an excuse for… what, exactly?”
It was Doppo’s day off, so it’s not like his boss was mad at him for being late… He’d done all the work that needed to be done to prepare for his day off, too, and then some, so it wasn’t like he was behind or anything…
“Have you looked outside lately? There’s a freakin’ Sharknado. Explain that to me, Kannonzaka. Tell me exactly why there’s a freakin’ Sharknado outside, terrorizing Japan. Can you explain that to me, Kannonzaka?”
Doppo furrowed his brows in confusion.
“I… Huh?” Doppo rubbed his eyes, which was a mistake because it just smeared blood across his face. “Are you asking about the weather phenomena that made this sort of thing possible, or are you implying that I had something to do with the sharks in the sky…?”
“Causing a Sharknado is a fireable offense, Kannonzaka, and if you don’t take the necessary actions and have the appropriate paperwork on my desk by sundown to explain why you let this happen, you’re OUT!” And with that, his balding manager ended the call.
“Who was that, Doppy?” Hifumi bounded over to him, having stayed behind while Rio and Jyuto scouted ahead.
Doppo stared ahead with a blank stare as his phone slipped from his fingers and splashed into the puddle of blood at his feet.
“Haha…” He hung his head. “It’s all my fault… the sharks, the tornado, the flooding, the fact that Rio somehow has a gun, it’s all my fault… I’m sorry, Hifumi… You should all go on without me…”
“Nope!” Hifumi picked Doppo up and carried him a few feet before having to put him down to catch his breath. After panting for a bit, he picked him back up and resumed his trek towards their other two boyfriends. “Now is pant not the pant time for having pant one of your how are you so flat but so heavy depressive self-doubt spirals! pant We don’t have time pant to talk you down from seriously you’re so flat this one pant, so I’m going to suggest pant some grounding techniques for pant you to work on while we move i think im dying!”
Doppo nodded weakly as he tried to concentrate on the grounding techniques Hifumi suggested as he carried him across the streets, taking them both to higher ground. He took one last glance behind them as the waves crashed over the streets, and a building collapsed to block them from ever returning, damning them to their fate. It also worked pretty effectively to keep the water from reaching them, damming the road.
God damn.
He decided to look the other way. Instead of seeing whatever it was that lay ahead, he was blinded by the bright light of the sun over the horizon. Wait, it was absurdly cloudy right now, on account of the Sharknado. Why was the sun out?
The answer is that it wasn’t. That bright light came from who-knows-where to illuminate two mysterious, yet sexy as fuck, yet somehow even more badass, figures, who were currently striking poses that were the perfect mix of sensual and intimidating.
“Huh? Rio, Jyuto, what are you two doing?” Doppo turned to face Hifumi. “And Hifumi, can you put me down? It feels like you’re about to collapse…”
Hifumi let out the breath he’d been holding in as he dropped Doppo, extending enough care to ensure he landed on his feet, before he did, in fact, collapse. He didn’t make it to the ground, however, because Rio caught him in his strong, muscular arms, and looked him deeply in the eyes as their faces grew near each other.
“Hifumi, are you okay?” The host blushed. Wowza!
“Wowza! Rio, that was so smooth!” Hifumi’s gaze scanned the man in front of him as the two separated. “Uuhhh… What happened to your shirt?”
“Thank you Hifumi. My shirt…” The tattered remains of the article of clothing clung to his sweaty pectorals. The jacket that usually covered his biceps was nowhere to be found, and his red t-shirt was torn to shreds, exposing his midriff almost like a crop top. “I’m not exactly sure. One moment I was fighting off a shark, and the next… it was like it just suddenly exploded off of me, somehow…”
Doppo looked him over. Thankfully, it seemed like Rio hadn’t sustained any injuries, and overall he appeared to be faring well. The sound of someone clearing their throat grabbed all three men’s attention, and they all turned to face the source of the noise.
“I know Rio’s… clothing situation… is very distracting, but we really need to seek shelter. As exhilarating as killing these sharks has been, it’s best to lie low while we wait for the storm to pass.”
Doppo’s sigh attracted everyone’s gaze, the three other men now alert and attentive to whatever was troubling their precious salaryman.
“I agree with Jyuto… The three of you should seek shelter.”
“Doppler? What do you mean, the three of you? You’re coming with us!”
“Well…” Doppo heaved a heavy sigh once again. “It’s just that… I need to find a way to end this Sharknado… and I have to get back to the office before sundown, or else I’m fired…”
“What?” Jyuto couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Why on Earth would your boss fire you for… what, not coming in on your day off? And why is stopping the Sharknado your responsibility?!”
“My balding manager says the Sharknado is my fault…”
His boyfriends all hummed in agreement.
“Well, if you caused the Sharknado…”
“Yes, it would make sense to hold you responsible for stopping it…”
“I’m Crazy M.”
They all three turned to face Doppo and placed their hands on his shoulders.
“But you aren’t going to be doing it alone.” Hifumi smiled at his roommate.
“That’s right.” Jyuto wrapped an arm around Doppo’s shoulders, pulling him in close. “You have us.”
Rio stood to the side, one hand on his hip, the other slinging his shotgun over one of his broad shoulders as he shifted his weight ever so slightly.
“So, what’s our plan to stop this Sharknado?”
Unfortunately, our four protagonists had neither the biometeorological knowledge nor the experience of watching any of the Sharknado movies, so they had absolutely no idea how to end it. However…
“Who’s that over there?” Hifumi shielded his eyes from the blinding luminescence that approached them.
“I don’t know… but they’re coming this way.”
And into their view, entered…
Light Yagami?!
Unfortunately, none of them had watched Death Note, either, so they had no idea that this man could possibly be more dangerous than the Sharknado.
“Who is that young man who looks like early Justin Beiber…” Rio scratched his chin.
“Hello.” Light Yagami smiled. Other survivors of the Sharknado… how lucky for him. Unlucky for them, however, because there was no doubt in his mind that not a single one of these average simpletons could match his wit, and he was determined to remove anyone who threatened to get in his way. “I’m glad to have found other people out here… may I know your names?”
Doppo opened his mouth to speak, but Rio held out an arm to quiet him. Something didn’t feel right… How had this young man survived with so few injuries? His clothing was completely intact, unlike the torn clothes he and his lovers wore, and this strange man seemed to be almost energetic despite everything. And yet, blood decorated the ends of his otherwise undamaged pants, and the only part of him that displayed any signs of wear… were his fingers. They were red and callused, but only on his thumb and forefinger… he’d clearly been writing, and by the looks of the ink stains on his hands, he’d been writing as recently as maybe an hour ago. But that was during the Sharknado…
Rio narrowed his eyes.
Light Yagami narrowed his.
“Of course, where are my manners? I should introduce myself first. My name is…” Internally, Light grimaced. So, the big one was onto him already? He’d be impressed if it weren’t so inconvenient. No matter; he wasn’t one to back down from challenges, although he doubted this would prove to be much of one. He extended a hand to maintain the illusion of amicability. “...Asahi. Pleasure to meet you.”
Rio clasped his worn hand in his gloved one. It was a strong handshake, on both ends, and neither ended it feeling reassured.
“I’m Crazy M.”
Light almost had trouble holding back a scoff. That clearly wasn’t his legal name… but what would it take to extract that information from someone already so suspicious of his intentions?
Anyone else would have abandoned this path of inquisition, and indeed, Light himself was tempted to leave these men behind without eliminating them, but the idea of being bested in a game of mental chess by some random musclehead bothered him in a way he couldn’t describe.
“What are you doing out here during this Sharknado? It’s terribly dangerous for a young man to be alone during such conditions.”
What was Light Yagami doing out in this Sharknado? At first glance, it might seem completely illogical for him to show himself during such dangerous conditions, but a Sharknado was the perfect cover for purging the country of the wretched, criminal souls that plagued it. He could do so easily from the safety of his room, but… What better chance to expose the darkness of one’s soul than in this sort of apocalyptic setting? All of the survivors out right now had surely engaged in some criminal activity to stay alive this long, he was sure of it. His gaze slipped to the chainsaw in the hands of the man with glasses. Stolen, he was certain. And the man with the poor posture had an air of guilt surrounding him — perhaps in his struggle for survival, he had hurt or even killed someone.
Hang on. He spared a quick glance to that depressing excuse for a salaryman. Was that a nametag? He chuckled to himself, careful not to reveal his intentions as he responded to the soldier’s inquiry.
“I happened to be outside when disaster struck, and I’ve been moving the survivors I’ve found to safer locations.”
Yeah, right. Anyone foolish enough to tell him their name, anyone stupid enough to flaunt their identification around their necks or otherwise making their names visible, had met their demise in the form of Light Yagami. He shifted closer to the group of men ever so slightly, but his movement did not escape the notice of the tallest one, who was still shielding that pathetic man with his body. And it seemed he wasn’t the only one whose attention had been gained, either.
Either due to his comrade’s obvious mistrust, or due to his own observations, the bespectacled man now seemed to view Light with suspicion.
“That’s very noble of you, Asahi, but you should leave search and rescue to the professionals.” Jyuto removed his police badge from his jacket, revealing it to Light. Was he an idiot?! But as his gaze slid to the name on the badge, he realized the man was more careful than he’d given him credit for. With the way he held the badge up for him to inspect, his fingers covered the first name, revealing only his surname to Light. “We would be happy to escort you to a safer location.”
“That’s very kind of you, Officer Wataru. But there’s no need.”
Wataru? Doppo turned to face Jyuto, curious as to why the stranger had called him Wataru. He was met with a smirk, a sexy one, as Jyuto put an arm around Doppo and retrieved his nametag in one motion, removing it from his lanyard and putting it in his jacket pocket.
Tch. So the police officer knew something was up too, huh? No matter, this wouldn’t stop him from-
“Asahi, right? The name’s Hifumi Izanami, but you can call me Hifumin~! I’m the number one host in Shinjuku, nice to meetcha!” Hifumi slung an arm around Light’s shoulders and patted his back cheerily.
He had to be bluffing. There was no way everyone else in that group had avoided giving him their names only for the last one to just say his own, unprompted. It had to be a trick of some kind. But the wide eyes of the soldier and the furrowed brows of the officer told him otherwise. Light grinned menacingly, but his apparent malice lasted only a fraction of a second before he plastered a friendly mask to cover up his true nature. If the host noticed anything, he didn’t say it.
Slowly, and with as little detectable motion as he could manage, Light edged away from the host with a pleasant smile, then felt for the piece of the Death Note he hid in his sleeve with one finger.
“Hifumi Izanami, is it? It’s nice to meet you as well.”
He fiddled with his sleeve, using only the hand that protruded from it, and shook loose a small piece of graphite hidden among the threads, holding it carefully but tightly between his thumb and forefinger. A heart attack wouldn’t be too surprising, given the circumstances.
Just as he was about to jot down the first character of the host’s name, the wind started to pick up. Light found it hard to stand, and he found himself stumbling in place. Suddenly, the wind grew too much to bear, and he found himself sucked into the Sharknado.
“NOO!” Light Yagami screamed. “I’ve been Sharknadoed!”
“Well, that was something.” Jyuto looked over to Rio. “He was a peculiar fellow, wasn’t he?”
Rio nodded. Beneath that smiling exterior, he had sensed something… sinister. Oh well, no reason to dwell on it.
The four men moved forward, continuing on their quest to end the Sharknado. However, they were on the road for not even three minutes before coming across another strange person.
“Nee-heehee, what’s this? A group of survivors?”
Doppo whipped his head around to face the source of the dialogue, and found himself face to face — well, not quite, as the person in front of him was rather short — with a strange boy clad in all white and a checkered scarf around his neck.
“And who would you be?” Jyuto pulled Doppo closer to him, eyeing the short man with suspicion.
“My name’s Shuichi! Nee-hee hee, but that was a lie! I’m Kokichi, Kokichi Ouma.”
Before anyone could respond, a light blue flash crashed into Kokichi, pinning him to the ground as he screamed. He held out his arm to shield his face, and the unidentified creature reared its head, sinking its teeth into his jacket, tearing past the fabric to break the skin.
“AHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH!” Kokichi screamed. “I THINK THIS THING HAS RABIES!!! I’M NOT LYING. I THINK THIS THING HAS RABIES AND INFECTED ME WITH RABIES!”
Whatever it was that had taken down Kokichi so swiftly suddenly turned to face everyone else. Her bright lilac eyes bored into their souls for only a second before they softened into their usual round innocence.
“N-nya, where am I… desu…?” She looked around at the carnage the Sharknado had wrought. “This isn’t very sugoi, nyaa…”
“A… Eek!” Hifumi screeched and hid behind Doppo.
Jyuto sighed. “And just who are you?”
“W-watashi…? Um… n-nya, my name is Raku-chan…! Nya!” Her eyes welled up with tears like limpid eyes, and she turned around and fled. “I-I’m so gomenasai! Nya! I have to go… this is too scary, desu!”
“W-wait!” Doppo cried out, to everyone’s surprise — including his own.
“Nya, desu? Nani…?” Raku-chan turned around with a confused look on her kawaii face.
“Um… Hold on. Just wait there for a second.” Doppo turned to face Hifumi, patting his head reassuringly as Jyuto wrapped his blazer around his shoulders. It wasn’t the same, but the action comforted Hifumi nonetheless, and he smiled weakly at his lovers. “Hifumi, I know you’re afraid of women, but this is the least suspicious person we’ve run into.”
Jyuto nodded reluctantly. “Rio, could you take Hifumi aside for a bit while we talk to…” He looked over to Raku-chan, who was doing the caramelldansen. “...This…” He turned back to face the salaryman. “Doppo, are you sure? We’re bound to run into other people.”
“Who’s to say anyone else we run into won’t try to hurt us?” Doppo shook his head. “It’s my fault you’re all out here in the first place… I can’t risk you getting hurt more than you already are…”
Hifumi smiled. “Y-you got it, Doppy-chin! Rio, can you take me over to that conveniently intact convenience store over there…?”
Rio saluted his three boyfriends before carrying Hifumi into the — wow he wasn’t kidding, it really was conveniently intact, especially compared to the absolute wreckage that surrounded it. Doppo and Jyuto watched them disappear behind the still-functioning automatic doors, before they faced Raku-chan, who was now posing with her hands curled into paws by her face.
“N-nya, nani did you want to talk with watashi about…? Desu…”
“We’re trying to find a way to stop the Sharknado. You wouldn’t happen to have any idea how to do that, would you…?” It was a long shot, but Doppo figured he might as well ask.
“Oh, nya!” Raku-chan’s face lit up. “You could potentially neutralize the storm by creating a large enough heat source in the center of it, such as by detonating a bomb inside the storm. The convergence of warm air in the updraft and cool air is what causes the rotating cloud wall to form, so the heat from the detonation would force the storm to dissipate. Um, nya! Sugoi desu!”
“Huh…” Jyuto scratched his chin. “I mean, that doesn’t sound right, but we don’t have much else to go off of, do we, Doppo?”
The salaryman nodded. “Raku-chan, how would we go about doing that? I mean, we would have to somehow get into the center of the storm…”
“Not necessarily, nya. You could use some kind of aircraft to chase the storm and throw a timer bomb into it, but you would have to have pretty good aim. You could also cause a lightning strike on top of a building in the center of the storm, nya!”
“Doppo, from what I’ve observed, your office building is directly in the path of the storm. If we made it to the roof, we could detonate a bomb, or use lightning rods to generate the heat we need to destroy the Sharknado.” Jyuto adjusted his glasses. “Since we need to head there anyway for your paperwork, wouldn’t you say this is the best course of action?”
He nodded. “Thank you, Raku-chan. If you’d like, you can accompany-”
But before he could finish his sentence, her eyes dilated and foam began to drip from her mouth. Oh yeah, she’s rabid. The two men began to sprint in the direction of the convenience store as Raku-chan resumed her crazed rampage, watching in horror as she tackled a street sign to the ground and took a bite out of it.
“Christ. Okay, well.” Jyuto wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. “Let’s tell Hifumi and Rio about the plan, and-”
Before they could get inside the convenient convenience store, Doppo stopped Jyuto in his tracks.
“Um, Jyuto…” Doppo took a deep breath. “Listen. I’m going alone. You’re going to stay here, or find somewhere else safe, with Rio and Hifumi. A-and…”
Jyuto grabbed Doppo by the tie and pulled him close, cutting him off with a kiss on the cheek.
“If you think any of us is going to let you do this on your own, you’ve got another thing coming.” Jyuto stepped back and placed both of his hands on Doppo’s shoulders, looking him in the eye. “You won’t get rid of us that easily.”
Then they made out for a good ten or fifteen minutes, right in front of the automatic doors, just close enough to activate them. The doors started to close, but every so often their movements as they kissed activated the doors again, so during that ten or fifteen minute period, the doors were constantly just opening and closing.
Rio and Hifumi watched, enraptured by the scene in front of them. Should they say something…?
Haha. No. They just made out with each other!
Just when everyone was about to finish their respective slopfests, a loud sound from just out of view caught their attention.
“DIE YOU NASTY MOTHERFUCKERS!” The sound of gratuitous fish violence echoed in everyone’s eardrums, and soon the resulting carnage flew into view. Shark flesh splattered everywhere, covering the ground in a mixture of blood and viscera. Who on earth could be capable of such violence?
Doppo carefully turned the corner of the convenience store and peeked past the wall, to hopefully not alert whoever — or… whatever — to his presence. What he saw caused him to gasp loudly.
“Sensei?”
Jakurai was in the process of ripping a shark in half with his bare hands when he heard the salaryman call to him.
“Doppo-kun, what a surprise. What brings you out here during this strange weather?”
Doppo considered his response very carefully. Jakurai would either be very happy or super pissed that Doppo had somehow caused a bunch of sharks (fish) to rain from the sky, and he didn’t know if he wanted to risk the consequences if the latter resulted.
“Erm… I have to turn in some paperwork at the office…” He scratched his head nervously. It wasn’t technically a lie… “What about you, sensei?”
Jakurai was about to answer, when Hifumi appeared out of nowhere (he had finally exited the convenience store) and tackled him to the ground.
“Sensei! Am I ever glad to see you! Ever since Doppochin caused this Sharknado, everythings been such a mess!”
Jakurai looked at Doppo blankly, his expression completely unreadable. Oh god, he definitely hated Doppo now. He was going to excommunicate him from Matenro, and ban him from the hospital, and then call his boss and tell him to fire Doppo for being such a piece of shit, and then Hifumi would kick him out of their apartment and block him on LinkedIn and Tumblr and Grindr, and -
“How fascinating. I didn’t realize Doppo-kun was capable of something like that.”
Before he could respond, Rio put a hand on his shoulder, startling him.
“Doppo is capable of many incredible things.”
They smiled at each other. What a nice moment.
Then suddenly a shark flew directly at both of them. Rio pushed Doppo out of the way, and he was swallowed whole! Everyone screamed in horror as they watched the shark fly away with Rio inside of it, and their screams grew even louder as they watched that shark get eaten by another, larger, shark, in midair.
“Oh god, oh god,” Doppo put his head in his hands. “Jesus Christ. What the fuck…”
“Take deep breaths, Doppo.” Jyuto wrapped his arms around the redhead. “Rio will be fine. He’s… He’s strong. As long as we stop the Sharknado…”
Jakurai shakes his head in sympathy, before pointing off in the distance.
“I know the three of you are mourning the loss of your lover, so here’s some advice. If you’re trying to get to Doppo’s office building, crossing that river is the fastest way to go. It’ll be dangerous, but… I believe the three of you can overcome any obstacle you come across.” Jakurai started to walk away.
“Sensei, wait…”
“Goodbye, Doppo-kun, Hifumi-kun.” He looked at Jyuto. “And Jyuto, I guess.”
And with that, he disappeared into the rubble.
“Well, you heard sensei!” Hifumi spoke up. “Let’s head over to that river. It can’t be that dangerous, can it?”
It could be that dangerous.
Sharks were everywhere; they were flying through the air, chomping at anything they could sink their teeth into, and swimming through the river, swallowing bits of debris and even sometimes eating other sharks. It was terrifying.
“Hm.” Hifumi put his hands on his hips, gayly. “Well. I guess it can be that dangerous.”
“Why the hell did he tell us to come here?! How on earth are we supposed to - AGH!” Jyuto pulled back from the edge of the river as a shark leapt out of the water to attack him, moving just in time to avoid its deadly jaws. “Did you fucking see that? Jesus…”
“Well, we have to try…” Doppo shakily put one foot in front of the other, when suddenly, all of the sharks in the river were sucked up by a waterspout that had suddenly formed! The river was emptied of sharks… for now. “We have to get across before the sharks come back!”
All three men quickly dove into the rushing current of the river, swimming as fast as they could. Within no time at all, they made it to the other side. Or, two of them did…
“Doppo, where’s Jyuto…?!” Hifumi looked around wildly, until the sound of something (some… one?) emerging from the water caught both his and Doppo’s attention.
“I’m right here, Hifumi.”
Jyuto pulled himself out of the water, droplets of liquid falling from his slicked back hair into his face. Doppo and Hifumi were relieved, until they noticed something.
“Jyuto…?”
The man was entirely unclothed save for his undergarments, which happened to be sexy lingerie, the specific appearance of which was up to the readers preferences.
“Why does this keep happening…” Doppo sighed. “Whatever. Come on, let’s get going. We’re almost there.”
The men made their way to the front of the building uneventfully, slaying the few sharks that threatened them with ease. Just as they were about to enter the building, however…
“Doppo, Hifumi, look out!”
A barrage of sharks suddenly flew right at the three men, approaching at a speed fast enough to be alarming but slow enough to allow the men to have a small conversation before they attacked.
“You two get to the top of the building, I’ll hold them off.” Jyuto revved his chainsaw.
“N-no!” Doppo grabbed his arm. “Jyuto, we won’t leave without you!”
“You have to. You’re the only one who can stop this, Doppo… And I’m the only one who can defeat these sharks.” He revved the chainsaw again.
“But Jyutie-patootie! We can’t do it without you! We’re a team!” Hifumi sniffled, and he rubbed the fabric of Jyuto’s blazer, which he was still wearing. “We… We need you! You’re the only one with a chainsaw!”
“Oh yeah, you’re right. Here you go.” He started to hand the chainsaw to Doppo, looked at Doppo, shook his head, started to hand the chainsaw to Hifumi, grimaced a little, but still handed it to him anyway, then pulled out another, smaller chainsaw from nowhere.
“I’m sorry, Hifumi. Doppo.” He looked back at them and smiled, before pushing them both into the building and turning around to face the sharks, revving his chainsaw a third and final time. “I need to do this.”
The sharks approached Jyuto and he ran at them, shouting angrily.
“This is for Rio…!”
He leapt into the air, and Doppo and Hifumi watched in horror as a shark swallowed him whole and flew back into the Sharknado, before that shark was eaten by an even larger shark.
“NO!” Doppo and Hifumi cried.
They both cried in the safety of the building for thirty two seconds, before standing up and making their way to the elevator.
“We have to go on… for Rio… for Jyuto…”
Hifumi nodded. “And for Yotsutsuji.”
Then they entered the elevator, and pressed the button to go to the roof. It took about one or three hours to get all the way to the top, and when they finally reached the roof, what awaited them was a terrifying sight.
The heart of the Sharknado.
“Hifumi… this is it. The moment we’ve fought for… the moment Jyuto and Rio sacrificed themselves for…” Doppo took a deep breath, then pulled Hifumi into a tight embrace.
“This day has been insane, Hifumi. I caused a Sharknado, somehow, I might get fired… But…” He wiped a tear from his eye. “I’ll always have you, Hifumi. We’ve been through so much together… Not just today, but our whole lives. Hifumi, I always have, and always will, love you.”
Then a shark ate Doppo whole!
“DOOPY BANOOPY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Hifumi screamed in agony as he watched the shark that ate Doppo get eaten by the largest shark ever recorded in history.
The shark landed right in front of him, and he stared at it with empty eyes. His chest… it hurt. He wanted to make it feel the same pain. He was going to make this shark pay. He was going to make all of shark-kind pay.
“THIS IS FOR DOBBY!”
Hifumi revved the chainsaw Jyuto had given him before he… left, and gave it a kiss for good measure, before he stabbed it into the shark’s smooth flesh and tore it asunder, bits of shark skin covering his body. He pulled apart the walls of meat and entered the shark.
Inside it, he found… another shark! Specifically, the shark that had eaten Doppo! He hurried over to it, and opened it in the same manner he’d opened the first shark layer. A hand reached out, covered in blood, and Hifumi clasped it within his own and pulled. Out came Doppo, gasping for air.
“H-Hifumi… you saved me!”
A sound from within the shark caused both of them to look at it. Wordlessly, they both entered the second shark.
Within that shark was… Another shark! Hifumi sawed that one open, his excitement growing with every rev of the chainsaw. He was finding such interesting things inside these sharks! Once he finished cutting a large hole into the shark, a foot clad in a leather shoe poked out of the shark. Doppo and Hifumi looked at each other, shrugged, and pulled. Out of that shark, came…
Jyuto?!
Once he was back on his own two feet, he brushed the blood and viscera off of his undamaged, unwrinkled suit. Wait, what? No one seemed to be concerned about where Jyuto’s clothes came from, and they all entered the third shark, eager to see what else lie within…
Once they were all three inside the third shark, they found… Another shark! What the fuck?! It really is a shark-eat-shark world out there…
Hifumi knew what to do, and he revved up the chainsaw again, cutting yet another shark open. Damn, maybe he should’ve been a biology major…? Out of that shark emerged none other than…
Jiro Yamada?
Wow, no one had been expecting that.
“Oh thank god, I was trapped in there for weeks!”
“What…?” Doppo scratched his head. “The Sharknado only started today…?”
“The fuck is a Sharknado? I just can’t swim. Anyway, y’all’s boyfriend is in there. He’s been making bombs… Well, bye.”
And with that, Jiro exited the shark (and presumably every other shark that this shark was in). As he departed, Rio burst out of the shark, splattering its remains all over the place. Well, they were all already covered in shark guts (aside from Jyuto, who managed to avoid this blast as well somehow), so it didn’t matter.
“Wow… I’m so glad you’re all okay!” Hifumi teared up, and his three boyfriends all gathered around him to hold him tenderly. After a brief moment to comfort Hifumi, they all exited the sharks, only to be greeted by a familiar silhouette on the roof.
“Sensei? What are you doing here?” Doppo furrowed his brow, when suddenly, Jyuto collapsed to the ground in agony.
“Fuck… I’m in so much pain… why…?” He clutched his abdomen as he groaned.
“Jyuto. I’m here to tell you… You’re pregnant.”
Suddenly, Doppo woke up with a gasp. He was in his own bed, a dark shadowy figure staring at him from the other side of the room, Hifumi wrapped tightly around him, snoring gently. The faint light filtering in through the blinds told him it was too early for his alarm to have even gone off. So, it was all a dream…? Doppo rolled over and sighed, closing his eyes, ready to drift off for a few minutes, before jolting up suddenly.
Why was there a dark shadowy figure in his room?!
He turned on a lamp, his trembling fingers making the task almost impossible, then looked at the mysterious figure. It was… his balding manager?
“Kannonzaka, you failed to turn in the paperwork and you didn’t stop the Sharknado and you hired your friends to brainwash me. You’re fired.” He slapped down a large pile of paperwork on the bed before leaving, slamming the door behind him and waking up Hifumi.
“Hmm… Doppochin? What was that?”
Doppo turned toward him, confusion distorting his face.
“What the fuck?”