Chapter Text
Jude hadn’t moved for the last ten minutes. Completely motionless and staring at the wall. To say he was lost in thought would be an understatement. In the back of his mind he knew Taylor would be arriving any minute but he just couldn’t pull himself back to the present. Connor Stevens was on his mind. A wave of emotions was running through him and he was trying to sort them all out. He knew he liked Connor but did he still like him. There once was a time when he thought Connor was it, the only person he would love for the rest of his life. When he looked to the future all he saw was uncertainty and him. But so much had changed since then. Connor had moved on and Jude thought he had moved on long ago, too. Now he isn’t so sure.
Do I still have feelings for him?
Jude couldn’t will himself to think about anything else but this question. And how he didn’t have an answer for it. In his mind, hours had passed but it was really only a few minutes.
“Jude?”
Jude blinks and looks in the direction of the voice. Taylor is standing in the doorway and her face quickly shifts from concerned to gravely worried.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
She moves to sit on Jude’s bed and he makes a face like he’s about to answer. Letting out a long sigh, Jude turns towards Taylor and begins to explain.
“I’m not sure anything is wrong, exactly. I wasn’t sure if the letter was actually gone, so I ended up going through all of the stuff from Connor I still have. I guess, it kind of brought some old feelings to the surface.” Jude’s mouth hangs open momentarily before he finishes, “And now I’m not so sure I left those feelings behind me.”
Taylor slowly nods and folds her legs underneath herself to get more comfortable on the bed.
“Okay.”
Jude is stunned, “Okay?”
“What?” Taylor raises an eyebrow.
“I don’t know, I thought you’d be more, well, surprised. Or at least have some advice.”
She smirks, “You want me to be surprised you might have feelings for the guy you dated for almost three years?” Giving him a sympathetic look, she continues, “But you need to be careful. Don’t make any hasty moves until you’re absolutely sure of how you feel.”
“Honestly, I don’t know even know if I would do anything about it.”
Taylor prods, “What do you mean?”
“Connor and I broke up for a reason. That reason hasn’t changed over the years. I wouldn’t want to put us in a position where we both end up just getting hurt again.” The pain is evident in Jude’s eyes.
“You’re being too rough on yourself.” Taylor assures him, “Besides, I think you might be surprised how much has changed since then
Jude eyes her suspiciously, “What makes you say that?”
Taylor leans forward and grabs Jude’s hand, “Listen, I don’t know how Connor feels. Really, I don’t. But if you stop yourself from taking chances because you might get hurt then what’s the point?” Taylor searches Jude’s face to see if she’s getting through to him, “I’m not saying to go for it with Connor. I’m just saying, don’t let fear get in the way of your happiness.”
Squeezing her hand, Jude gives Taylor a small smile.
“Thanks, this means a lot.”
Taylor returns the smile, “No problem.”
Jude tugs slightly on Taylor’s hand and she lets go. While his hand just dropped, her hand momentarily rests on her knee before her fingers start tapping nervously.
“Did you find the letter?”
Now it was Jude’s turn to search Taylor’s face, to figure out why she kept asking about the letter.
“No. Why?”
Taylor’s eyes widen for a second before she feels herself relax and lets out a long breath.
“No, reason. Just curious.”
She waited to see if he would press her further, when he didn’t she grabbed his pillow and threw it behind her. Leaning against the wall, she wiggles a few times to get comfortable.
“Alright, you invited me over to talk through your feelings. So, start talking.”
Jude and Taylor ended up talking for hours and he explained everything to her. Going through the contents of the drawer and taking breaks when he needed to. Through it all, she listened patiently and didn’t really talk unless he asked her a question. Taylor was very perceptive when it came to people and she knew all Jude really needed was someone to listen as he worked his way through his muddled feelings.
-----
Connor had been waiting for the text from Taylor for hours. She said she would talk to Jude after school and then let him know if he still had the letter. He had gone over multiple scenarios in his head on what could have happened to keep her from texting him, each one more ridiculous than the next. He knew there had to be a rational reason for her not following through but he just couldn’t take it anymore.
Abruptly ending his pacing he rushes to his bed and grabs his phone from its charger. Flopping down on the bed with a soft thud, he begins to type out a message to Taylor.
What’s the deal? Did you talk to him??
Grabbing his headphones, Connor settles to wait for a reply but he had only gotten enough time to lay back down before his phone went off. In his rush to read the message, he fumbled to pick up the phone and it ended up dropping to the floor. Almost immediately his dad calls from downstairs.
“Everything okay up there?”
Connor leans over the bed and scoops up the phone before shouting back, “Yeah, everything’s fine!”
With steady hands, Connor unlocks the phone and sees Taylor’s reply.
Can we meet before school tomorrow?
That is definitely not the answer he wanted to get.
The next morning couldn’t come fast enough for Connor. He had barely slept and rushed out of the house to get to school early; hoping to beat Taylor there. Looking at his phone, Connor sees he has 20 minutes before school starts. Going over the extremely short conversation from last night, he confirms that Taylor is going to meet him at his locker.
The school is pretty empty at this point, only a few students are making their way inside. This makes the walk to his locker stress free and quick. A couple of teachers walk by Connor and he eyes their coffees. Caffeine is definitely on his to-do list today but right now he has more important things to take care of. Shaking his head to wake himself up, Connor rubs the last bit of sleep from his eyes. One more turn and he would be at his locker.
Oh no.
Rounding the corner, he closed the remaining distance to his locker. Only one problem, Taylor is already waiting for him. It was a running joke that Taylor was never early, if anything she was always fashionably late. This is definitely not a good sign. Bracing himself, Connor stops in front of his locker. Doing his very best to avoid looking her in the eye, he waits for her to speak first.
Several uncomfortable seconds pass and they both remain silent.
Taylor’s hands are shaking and several times she opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Trying her best to send a sympathetic look toward Connor but he still refuses to make eye contact. Not willing to suffer any longer, Taylor breaks the silence between them.
“I’m sorry.”
And just like that, Connor slumps forward against his locker. The back of his head making a metallic thud as it hits the locker door. Carelessly dropping his backpack to the ground, Connor lets out a shaky breath.
“How could I have been so stupid?”
Connor slowly slides to the ground and buries his face in his hands.
“You’re not stupid.” Taylor takes a seat next to him, and squeezes his shoulder. “Okay?”
He replies through his hands, muffling his words, “I am stupid. How could I have let myself believe he would have kept the letter?”
“How could you have possibly known he wouldn’t?”
Raising his head to look at her, Taylor is surprised to see he’s crying. The tears were streaming down his face and disappearing into his jacket. He was struggling to keep his eyes open and they were already starting to look red and puffy. Immediately she knew that he had been crying recently.
“Because he hates me. He’s only pretending to be my friend to be nice.” Shaking his head, he lets out a few quick breaths. “God, how I could be such an idiot.”
Taylor notices he’s about to go back to crying so she grabs both of his hands to stop him. Connor glances up at her, and she almost likes the flash of fear she sees.
“Okay, listen to me Stevens.” He starts to look down but she just pulls on his hands. “Hey! He doesn’t hate you. Do you get it yet? He. Does. Not. Hate. You.” The last five words were punctuated by Taylor picking up his hands and hitting them against his legs at each word.
Letting out shaky laugh in between sobs, he smiles meekly. “All right. He doesn’t hate me but he also doesn’t like me.”
She opens her mouth but Connor cuts her off. “He doesn’t like me like that.”
Silence settles between the two friends. Connor continues to cry quietly as Taylor rubs soothing circles into his back. He appreciates the gesture but it does little to make him feel better. In fact, he’s a little surprised she hadn’t offered any more words of comfort. Maybe the truth would only make things worse at this point.
Taylor could only stand so much of his wallowing. “Are you done yet?”
Connor sniffles and looks taken aback, “What?”
Pursing her lips, “You’re being a little unreasonable right now. Yes, you know how Jude used to feel about you when you were dating. Then you knew how he felt when you two broke up.” Connor winces at that and she pauses to be delicate. “But you have no idea how he feels now.”
He just rolls his eyes. “Of course I know how he feels now. He just wants to be friends.”
“And you know that how?”
“I-I, well…, I mean it’s obvious. Isn’t it?” Connor stammers. “R-right?”
Taylor takes her eyes off Connor to look forward for a moment. It only takes a few seconds but she makes up her mind with a dull thud as she drops her head against locker behind them, slowly sliding it onto his shoulder.
“Promise you won’t tell Jude I told you this?”
Connor tries to get a good look at her face but found it to be challenging in their current position.
“I guess so, yeah.”
Letting out a deep breath, she starts slowly, “Well, I asked Jude about the letter on the walk back to his house and that’s when he told me he didn’t have it.”
“You already said that.”
“Jeez, Stevens can you not interrupt for once in your life?” Sighing she continues, “So he told me he didn’t have the letter. And after our little talk he didn’t feel like hanging out anymore. Made him sad or something.” Connor didn’t think it was possible for his heart to feel any heavier but he was wrong.
“A few hours later he texts me and tells me to come over. Apparently, he wasn’t actually sure if the letter was gone or not.” She feels him tense up. “Relax, he still doesn’t have it. But he did tell me that he keeps everything from your time together in a drawer in his room. Looking for the letter made him want to talk about things.”
She pauses for a few too many beats and Connor can feel himself getting anxious.
“Just tell me what he kept. Or didn’t. I can take it.” He steels himself for what’s coming next.
“Not a lot, really. Some notes and drawings, a few movie theatre tickets, and this weird little skateboard.” Connor couldn’t help but smile at that.
He kept it. I can’t believe he still has it.
Resting his head on hers, which is still on his shoulder, he murmurs softly, “Thanks, Taylor. That did make me feel better.”
Her hand glides down his forearm and found his before holding on to it tightly, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“He also kept a silver heart.”
For the third time this morning they didn’t say anything to each other and let silence do all the talking. Each not speaking for a different reason. Taylor is waiting to see how he would react to the news, not being unnerved at all by his current response. Connor, on the other hand, is still trying to wrap his head around the new information.
This has to be a dream.
In stark contrast to a few minutes ago, his heart is soaring higher than it felt like it ever had. Somehow Jude had given him the one thing he didn’t think possible. Hope. Perhaps there was still a chance the two of them could find their way back to each other. He almost felt like laughing he’s so overwhelmed with joy. Then, like it always did, the darkness started to creep back into his mind. False hope is worse than no hope.
How could he love me again?
If he’s going to be with Jude again then he would have to have a plan. One that would have to be executed perfectly if it had any chance of working. His mind felt like it was moving at a million miles an hour trying to keep up with his heart and his goals. Suddenly everything came to a halt. He would need help.
“Taylor?”
She had been lulled into a trance like state waiting for him to say something. Snapping out of it, several moments passed for her to process what he said. Once she did, the triviality of it seemed strange. Dropping a potential bomb shell like that and all she got is her name in a slightly questioning tone? If this had been any other circumstance she would be tempted to get a little mad or throw a sarcastic insult his way. Instead, she takes a deep breath, swallows her pride and lifts her head to look him in the eyes.
“Yeah?”
Given a thousand guesses she would never had expected what happened next. Upon reflection, it actually made her a little bit proud. Maybe the young boy she had met so many years ago had learned something from her after all.
Connor continues to smirk at Taylor and raises in eyebrow at her disbelief.
“Think you would want to help me devise an ingenious plan to win back the love of my life?” His smirk had grown into a full blown smile by now.
Shaking her head, she laughs a bit too loud. “I thought you’d never ask.”
Throwing his head back and chuckling, his eyes shining.
“First meeting of the evil masterminds at my place after school today?”
“Definitely.” Taylor gives a short nod and rests her head against his shoulder again.
They just sit there together smiling like a couple of idiots. If any students had been there, a few strange glances would have been thrown their way. But it was just the two of them enjoying a small moment before the rest of the day, which is sure to be stressful.
Connor closes his eyes and tries his best to only focus on the best outcome. He could almost feel the way Jude would press against his chest and keep one hand over his heart and the other intertwined in his own. The smell of his shampoo and something that was just Jude teased his senses like an almost forgotten memory. How he longed to be back in those comforting arms as they wrapped around his waist and pulled him into a tight embrace. This felt so real, it was cruel. Opening one eye, he sees that Taylor had slipped her arms around him and that was the embrace he’s feeling. Maybe this wasn’t as good as Jude’s hugs, but it made him feel warm inside. That definitely counted for something. Wrapping his right arm around her shoulders he pulls her closer, trying to let her know how much this means to him.
“Connor, you’re amazing. You know that, right?” He hums softly. “No matter what happens, don’t forget that.”
Kissing the top of her head, he speaks softly, “Well, I think you’re pretty incredible. I’m lucky to call you my friend.”
That is all that needed to be said. They were both so grateful that words couldn’t really convey the full scope of how they felt. Sharing a final quiet second together, Taylor unwraps herself from Connor and pulls herself up before turning around and holding out a hand for him.
“Come on, lover boy. We have to get to class soon.”
Connor has first period with Jude. His presence makes it hard to concentrate on whatever the teacher is trying to say. Today would have been doubly hard considering the morning he had. Thankfully, today they were just studying for an upcoming exam, meaning no lecture. This didn’t mean he’s actually focusing on the materials in front of him, choosing instead to look at Jude.
The way his eyebrows furrow as he concentrates or the way he sticks his tongue out a little bit. It all just made him even cuter and Connor still couldn’t wrap his head around it. The brunette had an inexplicable grip over him and he had no intentions of fighting it. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder if Jude had any feelings for him now.
Chuckling quietly to himself, he notices that Jude must have been in a rush this morning. His normally well-styled hair is currently splayed messily across his forehead. What he would give to be the one to brush it aside to look into those eyes, surely still showing signs of sleep. In attempt to look at least semi-busy, he picks up his pencil and absentmindedly writes down a few answers in the study guide.
Pleased with himself, he continues his favorite first period hobby. Jude had moved on from reading and is now furiously scribbling the answers. God help who ever would have to decipher his handwriting; it was anything but elegant. He could still remember the trouble he had reading the notes they passed to each other in class. They always found a way to laugh about it later but at the time it would frustrate him to no end. Of course, Jude found it absolutely hilarious. He even got in trouble a few times for laughing too loudly during class while watching Connor make the most ridiculous faces. Now that was the part that amused Connor.
It’s hard for him to remember the times when everything was going so well because eventually his mind would catch up with him. Reminding him of how it all went south so quickly; he never really saw it coming. Maybe if he had, everything could have ended differently. Rubbing his eyes, the early morning catching up to him. Frowning, he makes a mental note to grab some coffee before his next class. When he refocuses on Jude, he’s slightly surprised to see him staring back at him with an incredulous look. It really shouldn’t be that surprising, they were sitting across from each other.
“Can I help you with something?”
The blonde haired boy can feel his cheeks getting red. “No, uh, why would you think that?”
Giggling, he breaks into a smile. “Cause you’ve been staring at me all period.”
God, that laugh. I could listen to it forever.
Shaking his head and trying his best to form a small smile, “It’s nothing, I’m sorry.”
Jude’s smile falters and his mood relaxes, “You know, we are friends.”
Just friends.
“Yeah, I know.”
Jude leans forward slightly; Connor notices the bags under his eyes.
“So, if there’s something on your mind. We can talk about it. I hope things aren’t still weird between us.”
Connor sees Jude shrink almost instantly before him, his insecurities fully on display. Something he always appreciated about their friendship, sharing was always easy. Smiling warmly, Connor lets out a breathy laugh.
“No, we’re good. It’s really nothing, trust me.”
Jude doesn’t seem to be entirely convinced but relents, “If you say so. But you’ll come talk to me if it turns into something?”
You’ll be the first to know.
“Of course.”
A quick nod, more of a slight jerk, and Jude returns to his studying. Connor takes one last glance at the boy in front of him before returning to his work for the rest of the period. Going over the exchange in his head over and over, he concluded that it was a positive one. He really wants to be friends and that’s a good start.
The rest of the morning was a breeze. A much needed coffee was found and the desired effect immediate. Connor’s good mood continued to soar and it felt like nothing could bring him down. At this point, he should know better than to be that optimistic but he didn’t care. Maybe, just maybe he could win him back. The thought made him want to break into song. He wouldn’t of course, really wouldn’t reflect well on him.
Making his way to their usual table, he found Taylor and Jude were already there. Setting down his lunch, Taylor glances at him and they share a look. She seems to approve of his lighter mood. Secretly, she’s hoping his mood won’t be affected by her current conversation with Jude. Who barely manages to look over at Connor before continuing to talk to Taylor.
“Hey Connor. So, as I was saying. I’m kind of nervous about tonight. I mean, it’s obviously not my first time but I just want it go well. Maybe I’m being stupid.”
Taylor throws some of her peas at Jude. “You’re not being stupid, idiot. Being nervous is completely normal. Might be the only normal thing about you.”
The brunette laughs before throwing some of his peas back at her. “Hey!”
Connor can’t help the small grin forming on his lips, “Come on, let’s not start a food fight.” Raising one eyebrow. “Again.”
“Golden boy is right.” Taylor quips, “Give up now, Foster.”
“I do not retreat!” Breaking into a toothy smirk. “But I will agree to finish this battle in a more… appropriate location.”
She pretends to consider it before sticking her tongue out, “I agree to your terms.”
“Now, that the war is over.” Connor is shaking his head. ”What’s got you so nervous?”
Strangely, Jude blushes a little bit. “My date with Daniel.” Connor can feel his heart sinking.
“Oh. Well, he’d be a fool to not think you’re the best.” He’s trying to be reassuring and thinks it’s working until Taylor throws him a stern look.
“Um, thanks. Might not mention that, though.” Jude quickly looks down and Connor laughs nervously.
Trying to get a hold of himself, Jude points his fork at Taylor. “Want to come over tonight and help me get ready? I know you get off on that kind of thing.”
She pretends to give him a disgusted and insulted look before sobering up, “Sorry, I already have plans.”
He eyes her doubtfully, “Oh, really?”
“You think I can’t have plans?”
“I think you have a date.”
“Well, I am meeting a rather special boy but I’m pretty sure it’s not a date.” She smirks playfully.
“What makes you say that?”
Leaning back and crossing her arms, she holds in a laugh, “Let’s just say we have a conflict of interest.”
It’s extremely obvious Jude doesn’t want to let it go but knows better than to push Taylor when she’s being intentionally vague. Not a mistake you make more than once and both the boys only made it once. The results were not pretty.
The back and forth made Connor shift uncomfortably in his seat and he thanks his lucky stars no one noticed and that Taylor was able to deflect Jude’s interrogation. It did not, however, make him worry any less about Jude’s date with Daniel. He never considered Jude falling in love with someone else in his somewhat half-baked plan.
What if the date goes well?
Even though they were getting together right after school, he needed to bring it up to Taylor as soon as possible. This day was doing a number on his poor emotions, switching between hot and cold at breakneck speeds. The faster this complication is sorted out, the faster his nerves could be given a chance to rest.
The rest of lunch consisted of pleasant small talk and he even got into a heated discussion with Jude about a new video game coming out. Reminded him of their early days but he stopped himself before he got too caught up in nostalgia.
-------
Connor is already planning to corner Taylor in one of their afternoon classes. This meant he would have to distract himself for an entire period. The obvious choice is to just focus on the actual class. Who was he kidding, there was no way academics could compete with the addicting Jude Adams-Foster.
Times like this he was grateful for taking so many elective art classes. While he isn’t an amazing artist, he could admit that he’s decent. Opening up his notebook and flipping to the back where he keeps all of his drawings he put his pencil to the paper. Inspiration is never a challenge for him; it helps that he’s not too picky. Jude comes up a lot but decides that probably wouldn’t be a great idea today.
It started out with a few small dots in the corner, appearing at random. Two larger orbs found themselves halfway up the page. The light source is off the paper, coming from the right side. Slowly, but surely, the piece starts to stitch itself together. Constellations clustering together like their atoms were meant to be near each other. Gravity had a mind of its own, pushing and pulling the galaxies.
Connor finds himself completely lost as he continues to draw. The vast openness of space never scared him just gave a defined purpose to his life. It was almost an impossibility that an infinitesimal chain of events had led to this moment. To him. Falling deeper into the sky developing before his eyes.
Then suddenly there’s a spark, weaving and arcing through constellations and planets. Almost making a complete loop before streaking off the page. A shooting star, he decides. It was there and then it was gone. Beautiful and bringing light to everything around it. The cruelty of life meant it was only passing by.
That’s not our story.
Filling in the twin planets at the center of the drawing is the final touch before he sets his pencil down. Admiring his work, it’s kind of amazing to look at. Complex yet simple. A few beats later, recognition begins at his gut and works its way up. The smile on his face falters, if only for a moment. To anyone else the drawing would be nothing more than some stars and planets. Pretty yet unremarkable. Not to Connor. Somehow his subconscious found its way into the piece. All the constellations, planets, and shooting stars came together to represent the one thing it was meant to distract him from.
The shooting star outlined his face and the two planets were the deep eyes. Clusters of stars forming a small smirk. It is unmistakably Jude to him. Somehow he’s okay with that. The bell rings loudly, giving him a final second to look at it before closing the notebook and slipping it into his backpack.
Taylor.
Rushing to his next class he almost knocks several people over, apologizing profusely but refusing to stop or slow down. Panting lightly, he slumps into his seat and begins to wait. Very impatiently. His foot keeping beat to the fastest song in existence and his fingers tapping along to it.
She strolls into the room a few minutes later, not a sign of worry on her face. Until she sees Connor, that is. His eyes snap to her and hits the desk a little too hard in his excitement. Everyone stares in his direction until they find the source of the bang too boring.
Taylor slides into the seat in front of Connor and turns around.
“Calm down. You look like you’re going to explode. I thought you were okay?”
Connor nods furiously but slows down at her glare.
“I am okay.” He starts carefully, “I’m just worried about Jude’s date tonight. What if it goes well?”
She gives a sympathetic shrug, “I’ve heard he’s a pretty nice guy.”
Not what he wanted to hear, his head dropping with a swift thump onto his desk.
A sharp pain on his forehead makes him look up in time to see wide eyes, staring at him expectantly.
Did she just flick me in the head?
“What?” He grumbles, rubbing his head.
“Stop being so dramatic. Daniel is nice but he’s not right for Jude. Trust me, whatever happens between them won’t last.”
“Is that what you said about us?”
Connor didn’t think she could look any more insulted. No hint of sarcasm this time either.
“Look, you know me better than almost anyone. Really want to ask that question?”
He opens his mouth to answer but thinks better of it. Choosing to shake his head instead.
“Good.”
At that she turns around in her seat, done with the conversation. Honestly, he could have used a few more words of comfort. Seems like a strange request to make so Connor leans back in his chair. A certain boy is on his mind. No, not Jude. Daniel.
Who the hell does this Daniel kid think he is?
A small part of him knows how irrational this anger is but the much larger part, the one in control, just wants to punch him. Connor’s hands are balled into fists and he’s fuming in his desk. Taylor only needs to glance behind her once to know something bad is coming.
C’mon, keep your cool kid. Don’t blow your chance with Jude by being a dick.
Halfway through the class the teacher makes the mistake of calling on Connor in his current state. Earning her a sharp “What?” followed by a signature Stevens’ glare. This, of course, earns him a detention after school today. Today could not be ending any worse. Now he would have to wait even longer to meet up with Taylor.
When the bell rings Taylor tries to grab Connor and talk some sense into him but he storms out of the room before she has a chance. His mood worsening all period, he makes a beeline to his locker and stuffs his books inside of it. Slamming it shut he turns to see Daniel at the other end of the hallway. Laughing with a few of his friends, not a care in the world. Connor’s eyes darken at the sight.
Stop smiling, you smug little punk.
A grim smirk on his face, Connor sets off towards Daniel. He gets closer and closer, the rage building up. The students seem to take no notice of him as he gets ready to take all of his anger out on Daniel. Now, he’s almost right on top of him. This is it.
“Connor!”
A yell from behind distracts him just long enough for him to find where it came from. The answer should have been obvious, Taylor is wide-eyed and a little relieved that her last minute intervention seemed to have worked. She should have known Connor was more determined than that. Turning back towards Daniel, he squares his shoulder and it all happened so quickly, no one notices Connor slam into him.
Daniel is on the ground looking up in fear as Connor towers above him. Taylor rushes to his side and looks down and her mouth just hangs open.
“I-He’s so sorry. That’s Connor for you, super clumsy! I hope you’re okay?” She recovers quickly and elbows Connor.
“Yeah. Accident. You okay?” He says it too flatly but offers Daniel his hand anyway.
Somewhat reluctantly, and who could blame him, Daniel grasps the extended hand and pulls himself up.
“I’m fine. Might have a nasty bruise, though.” Clearly still shaken, he just laughs nervously. “We’ll both have to watch where going better next time, eh?”
Connor waits too long to reply, “Mmm? Yeah, won’t happen again. Sorry.”
The exchange over, he keeps walking down the hallway. Taylor throws a final apologetic look towards Daniel before following Connor.
He only made it around the corner before collapsing against the wall.
Oh god, what have I done?
Recovering from his rage-induced fit, the guilt hits him like a truck. Coming in waves, beating him down with fresh guilt every few seconds. This is not who he is. He doesn’t do this kind of stuff. Maybe Jude is better off with someone else. Someone who wouldn’t do this.
No.
He’s not doing this again. For too long he felt like he wasn’t good enough. No. He will not be going down that path again. One mistake doesn’t mean that you’re a terrible person. Everyone messes up. He should go find Daniel and apologize. Really apologize this time.
Taylor turns the corner to see Connor slumped against the wall and is winding up to give him a piece of her mind.
“Save it, Taylor.” Simply holding a hand up to cut her off.
“Think you’re going to get off that easy?” She’s being short and he knows that he deserves it.
“Whatever you’re planning on saying, trust me I already know. I’m being an idiot and I need to make this right. I won’t win Jude back by making an ass out of myself. Oh, and I’m totally acting like a crazy person. Did I leave anything out?”
He looks up at her all she thinks is how he can dare to wear a devilish grin like that right now.
Nodding her head a few times, “No, that pretty much covers it. See you later tonight. After detention.”
The way she says detention makes it seem like the punishment is wholly deserved, which he can’t argue.
“Taylor?”
Taylor narrows her eyes at him before they soften, “Connor?”
“Thanks” It’s almost a whisper, “For what you did back there.”
“Just promise me you’ll do better.”
He tries his best to give her a convincing smile but she just snorts and walk away.
Now to go find Daniel and apologize.
How far could he have gotten in the last few minutes? Checking the hallway he came from, Connor finds it deserted. His best bet is to head in that direction and hope he stopped to talk to someone. Scanning the classrooms as he walks, there’s no sign of him anywhere. Moving into an adjacent hallway a group of students is blocking his view of the other end.
Grumbling to himself, he manages to force his way through the throng of underclassmen. At the entrance, Daniel and Jude were walking together. Jealousy begins to bubble up but he pushes it back down and attempts to follow the pair.
Once outside, he has just enough time to see Daniel hug Jude goodbye and head towards the parking lot. Connor starts jogging towards the parking lot but ends up only going a few steps before he’s interrupted.
“Hey!” Jude is smiling brightly, albeit with a slightly confused look on his face. “Where are you going?”
“Oh, um… I was going to go talk to Daniel.” Connor sheepishly answers.
“Why?”
The words feel wrong as they leave his mouth, “To give him a few tips on dating Jude Adams-Foster.”
He meant it as a joke but Jude is visibly hurt. The brunette’s eyebrows furrow as he tries in vain to say something.
Connor clarifies quickly, “It’s a joke.”
“Sure. I, uh, I have to get going. I’ll see you later.” Jude is doing his best to leave as fast as he can.
“No, I get it. Good luck tonight and don’t be too nervous. He’s the lucky one!” Flashing a smile, Connor glances towards the parking lot.
Maybe I can still catch him.
Now Jude looks outright puzzled, “Whatever you say.”
Connor throws him a half-hearted nod and starts to inch away.
I have to be quick now.
“Bye, Jude. Don’t worry, have fun.” Then he’s off towards the parked cars.
All of the students were attempting to leave at once, which meant the steady stream of cars wasn’t moving as fast as they could be. This is good news for Connor, better chance Daniel hadn’t left yet. The only problem is he had no idea what kind of car he drove. Or if he drove a car, really. Daniel might have just been walking in this direction. He doesn’t know a lot about him, to be perfectly honest. A little reconnaissance couldn’t hurt, he made a mental note to find out more about Daniel. Scanning the students as they left is a much harder task than he originally thought.
Unfortunately, Connor is only able to resume his search for a few precious seconds.
“Connor!”
What is it with people yelling my name today?
Half expecting to see Taylor, it came as quite a shock to find Lena barreling towards him.
“Want to tell me what you’re doing?”
The question throws him off. He has no idea why she would be mad at him.
“Heading home. Is there a problem Mrs. Adams-Foster?”
The sadness in her eyes is apparent. “You can call me Lena.”
He used to call her Lena, even before Jude became his boyfriend. Something about the familiarity reminded him of his relationship. Distancing himself from Lena had been hard, on both of them, but it ultimately made him feel a bit better. That didn’t stop the pang of guilt he got when she looks at him like that.
When Connor didn’t respond, and she hadn’t really expected him to, she presses on.
“Don’t you have detention?”
Crap.
“Yeah, yeah I do.” He answers dejectedly.
She looks concerned, which he really should have seen coming, and he hates lying to her.
“Is everything okay, Connor? It’s not like you to get detention.”
Connor stares blankly at Lena. He desperately wants to tell her the truth. Ask for advice like he used to. In his head, that scenario is already playing out. They’d go back to her office to talk and she’d listen. At some point he might start crying, which wouldn’t be the first time he’s done that in front of her. Then Lena would give him that look that makes everything better. The ‘I love you’ look. He used to get it all the time.
God, how he wanted that to happen again.
Maybe, if I just-
It can’t hurt…
Connor’s resolve is slowly breaking and he’s so close to just rushing into her arms. Feel the warm embrace that would follow soon after. Just the thought filled his heart with longing.
Things have changed.
It was different now and he couldn’t keep denying it.
“Yeah, everything is fine. Sorry to bother you.” He forces an awkward smile.
Lena doesn’t say anything right away but her lips form a thin line. She looks let down, and it breaks a tiny piece of Connor.
Slowly nodding, “Connor, you’re never a bother.”
He doesn’t have a reply, so he just tilts his head forward slightly.
“Like you said, I have detention to get to. Thanks for reminding me.”
Connor shoulders his backpack and moves past Lena to start walking back to the school. The entrance doors are still busy with students making their way home. None of them really noticing him going in the opposite direction. If they did, they would see the pained look on his face. Connor just kept walking but he wanted to run back and tell Lena everything. More than he could admit.
Things are different now.
-------
He had gotten back home over an hour ago but Jude wasn’t sitting still or relaxing. Pacing back and forth in his room had become so routine he was worried he would start leaving a mark on the floor. Every once in a while he would stop and stare into his closet.
“Why is there nothing to wear?” Jude groaned.
Frustrated and angry he threw himself down on the bed.
“That’s it. I’m going to call Daniel and tell him it won’t work tonight.”
Jude sits up and reaches for his phone. Continuing the conversation he was having with himself.
“Yeah, that’ll totally work.” He had only tapped out a few words before dropping his phone back on his desk with an unsatisfying thud.
“This is all Connor’s fault! Saying stupid stuff and bringing up stupid feelings. Why can’t he just leave things alone?!”
At this point, not even Jude knew what was going on in his head. He probably looked like a crazy person rambling to an empty room but couldn’t bring himself to care. Falling back onto his bed he lets out a frustrated sigh.
I wish Taylor was here.
Covering his eyes with his arm, Jude decides a quick nap would solve all his problems. Part of him knew it was just pushing the problems off until later but the other part of him was already falling asleep.
A harsh buzz is the next thing he hears. Squeezing his eyes shut he tries his best to ignore the annoying sound. A second buzz, seemingly louder than the first, fills his entire head. So he throws a pillow in the direction he thinks it’s coming from.
For a few moments, as he stops to listen, he thinks that might have done the trick.
Finally, some peace and quiet.
But the harsh buzz is back and this time deeper and… farther away? Letting out a long, drawn out groan, Jude pushes himself off the bed to try and find the source of the disturbance. Surveying the room, it seems to be darker than he thought. He only starts to reach for the light switch when the noise goes off again and this time he sees the light of his phone screen. Apparently, his pillow toss had knocked it onto the ground.
It only took a few more second for it to click.
Shit. What time is it?!
Scrambling out of bed, he scoops up his phone and presses it to his ear.
“Hello?” Jude thinks that sounded entirely too groggy.
“Hey, Jude!”
It’s Daniel.
“So, I’m planning on heading over to pick you up. It’ll probably be like 10 minutes. Are we still good?”
He is talking way too fast for Jude to process everything as his brain tries in vain to wake up.
God, I hope I’m not taking too long to answer.
Collecting his thoughts, a reply sluggishly forms. “Um, yeah. I’ll meet you outside.”
“Cool! See you in a bit.” Daniel is nothing but chipper.
Jude lets his phone fall back onto his bed and he lets out a long, drawn out sigh. Even though the amount of time he had left to get ready was miserably small, Jude found himself frozen in place. Waking up was proving to be incredibly difficult.
What I would give for a coffee right now…
As if he were struck by lightning, all of Jude’s limbs suddenly snapped to attention. His heart began to beat at such a rapid pace he was afraid it would burst out of his chest. Jude’s body was in such stark contrast to its state only moments ago and he was having trouble getting it under control.
“No, no, no, no. Come on, you can do this.” Jude attempts to give himself a pep talk.
It doesn’t work.
Forcing himself to move, Jude shucks off his shirt and rushes to his closet. Running his hand along the fabric of the clothes until he grabs one he thinks will look okay. Tearing it off the hanger, he shoves his arms through the sleeves and starts to button it up.
Jude’s nerves were getting the best of him; his hands shaking so badly he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t button up a stupid shirt. His frustration only grows at each passing second as he struggles with the buttons. Jude knows how dumb this all is, getting nervous for a date with a guy he’s not even sure he likes. But with everything that’s happening with Connor piled on top of regular date nerves, he’s pretty much a ticking time bomb of stress.
Jude feels the corners of his eyes begin to water as he fights back the tears. Balling up his hands into fists he bounces them on his side while he takes purposeful deep breaths to calm himself down.
That doesn’t work either.
At this point, he knows he’s going to cry. His eyes are starting to burn and he’s going to cry and he’s going to have to call off his date because he can’t button this damn shirt. Jude was too caught up in his current state to notice anyone approach him. Two cool hands gently grasp his and pull them away from his shirt. He looks up to see Stef.
“Hey love.” She smiles warmly.
With the touch of a mother, she begins to swiftly button up his shirt. Not saying a word, but applying just enough pressure to be reassuring. After the final one, she presses both hands against his chest and tries to flatten out the shirt on his thin frame.
Stef is still smiling. “There, now you look absolutely handsome.”
Jude mumbles a low reply, “Thanks mom.”
There’s no answer but she squeezes his shoulder once and then leads him out of the room. Jude pauses for a moment and her face begins drawing lines of worry. He scoops up his phone off the bed and lets his mom guide him downstairs.
They walk silently until they reach the front door and then a comfortable pause sets in. Stef knows Jude will wait there until his date arrives and never considers leaving him alone.
“This is nothing, you should see how nervous I was for my first date with Lena.”
Jude smirks, “What makes you think this is a date?”
“Oh, please.” Stef shakes her head before letting out a small laugh. “Word travels fast at school and my wonderful wife happened to inform me about what’s happening with my son.”
She raises an eyebrow before finishing, “Not like he tells me anything.”
Letting out a mirthful laugh, Jude brings her in for a quick hug. “I’d tell you if it was anything important.”
It was Stef’s turn to laugh, “Poor fellow doesn’t know what he’s getting into!”
Jude’s jaw drops and looks at his mom in shock, then playfully shoves her.
“I didn’t say it, you did!” Stef fakes being hurt.
A phone vibrating cuts off whatever Jude was about to say. Fishing it out of his pocket, he glances at the screen.
“He’s outside.”
“I don’t even get to meet him?!” She grins widely and pulls her son in for another hug.
“Don’t worry, he’s the lucky one.”
That’s what people keep telling me.
-------
Connor rushes into his house and throws his bag towards the pile of shoes in the corner. Making a dash for the stairs up to his room, he only gets halfway across the entrance hall.
“Is that you, Connor.”
Glancing towards the living room, he sees his dad on the couch focused on the TV.
“Yeah. How was your day?”
Adam shifts in his spot to survey Connor, his eyes squinting as if something is eluding him.
“It was good. Everything okay?”
Connor stops his foot from tapping impatiently before he can answer.
“I suppose. Why?”
His dad lets out a small laugh, “You just seem a little jittery. There’s a girl waiting in your room upstairs.” Adam nods his head towards the stairs before turning back to the TV.
Connor couldn’t help himself. “What? Not going to tell me to keep the door open?”
He couldn’t see it, but the sound of his voice made it obvious that Adam was rolling his eyes.
“Oh yeah, I am so worried about you being alone with a girl.” Adam shakes his head. “Seriously, door open when boys are over. I don’t care how old you are.”
Connor allows himself a small smile, “Of course, dad.”
Without a syllable more, Connor barrels up the stairs and into his room only to find Taylor just lying on his bed. She seems to be taking a nap and had helped herself to his headphones as the red plastic shines off the top of her head. He knows better than to scare her, so he taps her gently on the foot.
She peeks with one eye but squeezes it shut moments later. Her face begins to resemble someone getting tortured, an over-the-top grimace.
“What took you so long?”
“What can I say? I’m just so lucky that my time in detention was nearly doubled.”
“That sucks.”
Taylor is sitting up on his bed now, stretching her arms until they make a satisfying crack. She tucks her legs underneath herself and drags the pillow higher up the wall so she can lean against it. Connor is pulling his desk chair over to the bed before plopping down and throwing his legs onto the bed.
Connor starts, “So… where do we begin?”
He looks over at Taylor and waits for her to say something but she just kind of sits there with a puzzled look on her face. Which was strange because it was a pretty straightforward question.
She suddenly looks straight at him, “I think you need to tell me what happened?”
“At school today?” Connor is surprised but begrudgingly tells her, “I guess I was just- “
“No.” Taylor shakes her head dismissively.
“That’s not what I mean. Why did you and Jude break-up?” She pauses, “I know this might be hard to talk about but I feel like I need to know if you want my help.”
He just stares at her with wide eyes, his mouth hanging open. A few seconds pass and he blinks rapidly as if that would somehow increase his understanding.
“W-what?”
Taylor lets out a quick sigh, “Look, I’ll understand if you don’t want to talk about it.”
He hesitates, “No. Uh, no it’s not that. I just assumed he would’ve told you.”
“Jude? Nope, he’s never brought it up. I’m not going to push him.”
Connor runs a hand through his hair, “Right, yeah. I can tell you.”
He bounces his fists against his knees a few times before swinging his legs off the bed and onto the floor. Maybe if he grounds himself just a bit more it would be easier.
One final breath escapes, “It was all my fault.”
As much as he wishes it wasn’t true. That all the pain he went through, Jude went through, wasn’t preventable. But it is, and it was. He should’ve saw it coming and stopped it. By the time he did it was already too late. He’s gone over it in his head time and time again. There’s no denying it.
“It was my fault.”