Archive of Our Own ^beta

1990

Yeonjun knows his surroundings like the back of his hand. Some say that after years in the music industry, it comes a time when you get used to everything surrounding you, and Yeonjun can one hundred percent agree to this statement. He’s used to padded chairs, microphones close to his mouth, nonstop questions and incessant stares, set phrases and over-the-way compliments. Famous life in general gets all the same after the first few years. Yet, Yeonjun never tires of it, even if each day is filled with all the same bullshit, he can’t imagine ever getting tired of this lifestyle — even if he’s in his thirties and has spent most of his life like this.

Fame is everything Yeonjun loves to hate the most, the only thing he’s committed to.

The radio station is playing a song by a band that Yeonjun doesn’t make an effort of knowing, but seems to be quite famous lately from the amount of numbers who have asked for the song to play. The host of the day is a woman with curly orange hair and gentle gaze, with a soft, sweet voice that sounds like honey being poured into tea. It’s been a while since Yeonjun found himself in a radio station for an interview, but he still knows how to act it out perfectly. He knows very well how to be everyone’s cherished rockstar from the 80s. Earlier, he signed albums and t-shirts, did small talk with some of the radio staff and chatted with the woman who would be interviewing him today.

Yeonjun knows how to bring the attention all to himself, how to never go unnoticed whenever he’s in a place. It’s one of his best skills, even before he hopped into this band thing. One of the best things he does after singing, composing and being naturally sweet and desired by everyone.

There’s a crystal clear glass full of water on the table in front of him, one of the microphones close to his face and the large headphones in his ears. The woman’s seat facing him, paper sheets in her hands as she arranges her own headphones, pulling the microphone closer to her lips, flashing a quick smile at Yeonjun. In another moment, he’d risk a non-serious flirt followed by a smirk, but his head is far from here. All his mind can focus is on the three people behind the glass that shows him the waiting room.

Specifically, all his mind can focus on is the person with short, blond hair and denim jacket, standing with arms crossed over his chest as he stares deep into Yeonjun’s soul. Three years and that gaze still makes his heart stop for a millisecond, pounding rapidly afterwards. Yeonjun feels sixteen again, in a small town with no idea of the future, insecure and dreamy.

He’s so caught up in the man’s stare that he barely notices when the song comes to an end, the interviewer saying the name and the band, talking to the listeners about a promo that’s of no interest to Yeonjun. He shakes his head, clearing his mind of any thoughts about the man staring at him or thoughts of the past. This isn't the time to be insecure sixteen-years-old Yeonjun.

It’s time to be twenty-nine-years-old Yeonjun, a world-famous rockstar known as Daniel Choi.

1977

“Hey mates, I have bad news,” the boy says as soon as he’s close. Yeonjun feels a shiver upon hearing that voice, a gush of cold winter air running through his spine. Maybe it’s his stupid falling-at-first-sight mind, but he’s pretty sure he never heard a voice like that in his whole life.

“Tell me after I’m done with this bandless asshole here,” Beomgyu says, still waiting for Yeonjun to surge forward so they can end their argument.

“By the looks of it, we’re going to be bandless too,” the drummer says sheepishly.

“What?!” Both Soobin and Beomgyu exclaim in unison, voices sounding like the backing vocals of the performance.

“Yeji-noona just dumped us,” the drummes says, scratching his neck. “Actually, it wasn’t just now. She has been talking ‘bout it for a while, but—”

“Kai-yah, what do you mean?” Soobin asks, despair flooding his face and voice.

“She said she’s not in the mood to sing next time, or any time at all,” the boy says, shrinking under all the eyes on him. “She also said that she still wants her thirty bucks.”

Such a Yeji thing to say, Yeonjun thinks.

Soobin no longer sounds desperate, he’s completely desperate now. He pulls his medium hair backwards, pacing back and forth, looking back at the drummer. “Did she say why?”

“It’s not as cool as she thought it’d be,” the boy says, tuning his voice into something more higher to match Yeji’s tone. Yeonjun tries with all his strength to hold back laughter, Soobin and Beomgyu don't seem to have found it funny at all, judging by the still desperate look on Soobin’s face and the angry one in Beomgyu’s.

“Huening Kai it’s no time for jokes, dipshit,” Beomgyu hisses, nervously picking on his nail beds. “If noona ditches we won’t have someone to sing at the next performance. Our band it’s doomed before I can even brag about being in one.”

Soobin begins to pace back and forth again, talking to himself. “I’ll try to convince her again—”

“I can be your vocalist,” Yeonjun blurts out, in a surge of confidence that comes and goes.

The three boys turn towards Yeonjun, the look on their faces varying. Soobin looks thoughtful for a moment, like the idea isn’t as bad as it seems. Beomgyu looks astonished, as if Yeonjun’s idea is the worst thing his ears have ever heard. While the drummer, who’s name apparently is Kai, looks surprised, almost as if he hasn’t noticed the skinny boy with a mullet close to them. Yeonjun feels strangely exposed, these three boys dissecting him and inspecting everything inside him, but he pretends to still be confident until it ends.

“I don’t know you,” Kai points out, breaking the awkward silence that spreads around them — which is actually not silent since they’re still in the packed street. The boy extends his hand in Yeonjun’s direction, a gentle and friendly smile on his lips. “I’m Huening Kai, you can call me Kai.”

“I’m Yeonjun,” he accepts the hand, shaking it politely. He’s not expecting the almost bear-like grip coming from this seemingly weak boy. Huening Kai looks like a box full of surprises, at least to Yeonjun.

“It’s nice to meet you, Yeonjun-ssi!” Kai keeps squeezing Yeonjun’s hand, shaking it like it’s made of cloth.

Up close, Yeonjun can get a better look at Kai, and he notices he’s wearing a uniform from one of the most expensive private schools in the country. A rich guy, he supposes and tries to not grimace. To be sincere, there’s nothing much to Kai’s face, just another young kid going through stages of puberty. But from Yeonjun’s crush point of view, Huening Kai looks handsome on the same level as John Travolta — and that speaks levels, since John Travolta is all Yeonjun wants in a man. Even with the pimples on his nose and cheeks, Kai is handsome. Yeonjun holds his breath for a second, hoping that his too long staring won’t be too obvious to the other.

“And it’s good to have you in the band,” Kai adds with a wink.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Beomgyu says hurriedly, shaking his head. He looks at the two other bandmates with an arched eyebrow. “We haven’t discussed and decided that. He’s not part of the band yet.”

Soobin scrunches his nose, smiling sheepishly at his bandmate. “Well…”

“Soobin-hyung. Choi Soobin. Steve Choi,” Beomgyu warns, voice steady and eyes throwing daggers at the boy.

“He’s volunteering and we have no better option at the moment,” Soobin says, looking hopefully and apologetic at his friend. “We can’t guarantee that Yeji-noona will agree to sing in the next performance, and I don’t have another thirty bucks lying around like that to give her. Yeonjun-hyung isn’t asking for payment, he’s our better option.”

Beomgyu huffs. “Hyung, we don’t even know if this sucker can sing.”

“I can sing,” Yeonjun says tentatively, low voice being crushed by all the loud chatting and screams around them.

“Can he sing?” Beomgyu asks this time, but not directly at Yeonjun. He keeps looking at Soobin, begging him to change his mind and say that Yeonjun can’t sing even if their lives depended on it.

“You know, I’m right here. You don’t need to ask Soobin,” Yeonjun says in annoyance, rolling his eyes at the other. “And I said I can sing.”

“He sings in the church choir,” Soobin says, equally ignoring Yeonjun.

Yeonjun snorts. “I not only sing in the church choir, I’m still a soprano even after puberty.”

“I see no reason to not accept him in the band as our vocalist,” Kai shrugs, popping a gum ball. “Except if he doesn’t like Bee Gees.”

Yeonjun fucking hates Bee Gees, but he’s up to go through the torture of listening to all their songs and learn to sing if it meant to be this band’s vocalist — and being around the cute drummer.

“Bee Gees fucking sucks, Kai,” Beomgyu grimaces. “I’d take him if he doesn’t like them.”

“Have we reached a deadlock, gentlemans?” Soobin questions, looking at his two friends.

“Whatever,” Beomgyu announces, shrugging. “I’m warning you beforehand that I don’t play any Fleetwood Mac songs. Don’t fucking bring me Rumors or any other shit like that.”

“Welcome to the band, hyung!” Kai says excitedly, throwing his hands up in celebration. Beomgyu’s lips quirk up in a soft smile while seeing the other, something almost imperceptible. Soobin sighs in relief, whether it’s for keeping the band or not having to spend more money, Yeonjun can’t tell.

“First, I have one condition to sing in the band,” Yeonjun announces, making Kai stop his celebration and Soobin hisses. Beomgyu looks ready to start another argument, this time involving fists, probably a broken nose and bruised knuckles. “You guys need to change the band’s name. I refuse to be called part of Wicked Lollipops .”

Soobin frowns. “What’s wrong with Wicked Lollipops?”

“Binnie, it’s a fucking ridiculous name,” he replies, matter-of-factly. “No one is ever going to take a band with this name seriously.”

“At least we agree on something,” Beomgyu mumbles, looking away.

“Beomie, you don’t like the name either?” Soobin asks, looking genuinely sad over the band’s name slander.

Kai pats Soobin on the shoulder reassuringly. “It’s not that bad.”

Beomgyu tsks, pointing a finger at Kai. “You should stop lying to make others feel better, y’know?”

Standing in front of these three boys, Yeonjun thinks that maybe he took too big of a risk by inviting himself to be a part of whatever they have going on that looks like a band of outcasters. A band made of a church boy with terrible fashion sense, an nerdy, uptight Japanese tutor and a rich guy with a weird haircut. And now, Yeonjun is an honorary part of it, with his chance to fulfill a dream that he was about to give up this year. He scares the thought away, trying to keep a positive mindset for once in his life — even if he has to sing in a band with a silly name such as Wicked Lollipops.

1990

Even though he said he’d call the number as soon as he got to his house, Yeonjun doesn’t have the courage to do so. He doesn’t have the courage to hear Kai’s voice without feeling his heart breaking and his chest aching, the cuts and bruises around his heart still too fresh for the scars to not open as soon as he hears that soft tone calling his name. He knows he promised Beomgyu that he’d call, but he’s a liar and a promise-breaker.

Even if he had the balls to do it, what exactly would he say? Hey, Hyuka, how's it going? Are you mad that I broke your heart and never tried to fix it? Do you hate me as much as I hate myself? Yeonjun can't say any of those things. He doesn't know how to get things back on track with Kai after three years.

Three years is too long of a time. People can change completely, friends can go to acquaintances to strangers in a blink of an eye. At the same time, three years made absolutely no changes in Yeonjun, his friends are still the same, his life is still the same. Kai mustn't change either, that thought is enough to make Yeonjun pick up the phone and finally dial the number after spending the whole dawn staring at it and weighing up the pros and cons of making the call.

The sun is rising and the call goes to voicemail, always the same response after five calls. Yeonjun has missed the chance, there's no turning back now. Beomgyu warned that Kai would only answer the phone at the hotel he's staying at night, now the morning is greeting Yeonjun with its faint golden glow. Kai is probably on a plane going back to Hong Kong.

Yeonjun has lost the only chance he had.

The sun is rising, Yeonjun is sitting on the floor of his room, phone hook pressed hard against his chest as he lets the painful tears run down his cheeks.

1990

The ride is as weird as Yeonjun expected. Beomgyu remained silent for a few minutes, only drumming his fingers on the steering wheel in rhythm with the music playing on the radio. It’s a kind of alternative rock music very similar to the style they used to play at the beginning of the band, the style that suits Beomgyu the most from all the experimental sounds they made along the years. Yeonjun looks out the car window, fingers restless inside the pockets of his jacket, waiting for the moment Beomgyu will stick his fingers into all the wounds that he has lazily patched up.

“Before you start apologizing and all that bullshit,” Beomgyu says after a long silence, making all the tension inside Yeonjun subside momentarily, a sigh of relief coming out of him. “I’ll let you know that you don’t need to apologize to me, hyung. Apologizing to Soobin is enough for me.”

“You’re not mad at me?” Yeonjun asks, trying to not shrink in the seat.

“I saw you at their wedding,” he comments, turning to look at Yeonjun when they stop at a red light. “I know you weren’t being yourself that day. I know what it’s like to let fame get to your head. You felt guilty afterwards and you redeemed yourself. That’s all that matters.”

Yeonjun frowns. “You know what it’s like?”

“Believe me, I understand you better than anyone else, hyung,” Beomgyu wiggles his eyebrows, shifting gears and driving back through the busy streets. “I went through some bad fame withdrawal a few months after the break. Pretty bad stuff, got myself some unhealthy coping mechanisms but I’m chill now. Kai helped me a lot with that.”

That name. The name that Yeonjun has been avoiding to say out loud but that his mind never stops screaming inside his head. It’s been a while since he had heard anyone but himself calling Kai’s name. It’s strange to hear someone other than the voice in his head speaking that name.

Yeonjun runs his tongue over his lips. “I had no idea about that.”

“I hid it very well,” he explains. “In theory, the fame withdrawal was the reason I started hanging out with Terry. I thought I could kill some of the craving I had using his fame, but it seems I ended up falling head over heels for him in the process.”

“You? In love with someone who’s not older than you?” Yeonjun mocks. The question about Beomgyu’s sexuality goes unsaid, they don’t need to address it for both of them to know the answer — well, Beomgyu has the answer, Yeonjun only waits.

“Shut up,” Beomgyu rolls his eyes affectionately. That’s all the answer Yeonjun needs. “Love is unpredictable, okay?”

“Quoting cliché phrases?” Yeonjun gasps in faux surprise. “Who are you and what have you done to the Beomgyu I know? You turned into a corny motherfucker in less than five years.”

“I’ll dump you at the next bus stop if you keep making fun of me,” Beomgyu says, sounding annoyed. 

It’s funny how Beomgyu usually loves to joke around and mock others, but despises it when people do the same to him. It’s one of the reasons why they used to get along so well in the past — if you close your eyes from all the bantering and harmless fights. It’s the balance in their friendship, it works when everyone used to say they’d bring the apocalypse if they stayed in the same place for more than five minutes.

Yeonjun chuckles. “I saw him talking about his good friendship with you in some interviews,” he wiggles his eyebrows. “It’s nice to see that you’re finally with someone that likes you for who you truly are, not just because you’re a bass player in a famous band.”

“Yeah, Taehyun is good to me. I couldn’t ask for any other person to be in love with,” Beomgyu comments, the dreamy tone in his voice not going unnoticed. Is the first time Yeonjun sees him like this, blushing and daydreaming about someone he cherishes, a strangely endearing sight to be seen. If Taehyun’s name alone is able to make Beomgyu turn into a puddle, then he must really be in love with the guy.

“It’s nice to be in love, isn’t it?” Yeonjun says nostalgically, remembering the feeling from old days when he used to be completely in love with Kai, even with the years of thinking this was bound to be a one-sided thing. His crush for Kai that turned into adoration and then became love. A love that unfortunately hurts his chest ever since he ruined everything with a single conversation and his big ego.

“It’s kind of weird, to be sincere. It’s scary as fuck too, hyung.” Beomgyu gnaws on his bottom lip.

Yeonjun nods. “It sure is a scary thing, Beoms.”

“But overall, it’s nice to feel this way,” he adds. “I’m still learning, but I’m getting the hang of it with Taehyun by my side.”

“I’m happy that you found someone that cherishes you as much,” Yeonjun says, his words and feelings filled with sincerity. “You deserve it, Beomgyu.”

“What about you, hyung?”

“What about me?”

“Are you still in love with Hueningie?”

Yeonjun coughs aggressively, almost choking on the gush of air that comes from outside the windows. He knows that he wasn’t the best at hiding his huge crush on his bandmate, but he took pride in being able to leave things hidden — or at least, he thought he was hiding it well, especially in his compositions. The reality that Beomgyu knows this makes him slightly disconcerting, he knew that his bandmate would find out eventually, but he wasn’t expecting the day to be today. Kai must have told something about, Beomgyu must have found out on his own; hell, maybe even Yeonjun blurted out about it without paying attention. Nonetheless, it makes no difference how Beomgyu knows it.

There’s nothing more between Kai and him, and there will never be.

“How do you know?” Yeonjun asks cautiously.

“Who do you think had to dry his tears and hear him crying about how much he loved you when you broke up with him?” Beomgyu says, one eyebrow raised.

Yeonjun gulps, taken aback by the knowledge that the break-up took a toll on Kai too. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Worst experience of my life, if you want to know,” Beomgyu huffs, shaking his head. “If you guys get together again, please don’t break up with him the same way you did. His heart is too fragile, hyung.”

Yeonjun doesn’t want to talk about this topic, but he can’t help the words that leave his mouth, “If we get together?”

“Come on, hyung,” he says with an eye-roll. “I know you’re still head over heels for him the same way you did when you were eighteen. Your songs keep screaming his name in a language that only the two of you could understand. You’ve always done that in your compositions, and you keep doing it until this day.”

Yeonjun feels his cheeks flush at the statement, his whole body burning with embarrassment. It’s gratifying that someone finally got who’s his muse for most of the songs, but it’s shameful to the same extent that Beomgyu could so easily understand who the songs were written for. Yeonjun could no longer look at his face, choosing to stare out the window instead, watching the stores neon signs and the people walking on the sidewalks.

“So what if I’m still in love with him?” Yeonjun sighs, closing his eyes. “What difference does it make?”

“It means that I won’t have to go through the torture of having Taehyun turning the radio and having to listen to you singing about broken hearts and how love is a lie and a teenage dream,” Beomgyu says, stopping at another red light. “I like it better when you sang about being hopelessly in love with Kai and how much you wanted to kiss him all the fucking time.”

“I’m sorry if I can’t make more cheerful compositions for you and your boyfriend, Your Highness,” Yeonjun scoffs, taking his hands out of his pockets and crossing his arms over his chest.

Maybe it’s true that Yeonjun’s songs got a little sadder and hopeless ever since he got his solo career, but can anyone blame him when all his mind can come up with is lyrics about how he destroyed one of the best things that ever happened in his life? Music was his only shoulder to cry on during those moments, and he embraced it with lyrics that everyone loves and sings at the top of their lungs.

“He still likes you,” Beomgyu says after a beat, the song on the radio changing to something more calm and fitting for the evening atmosphere.

“Who?”

“Kai-yah, duh,” he snorts. “Who else in this world would still love you after having been dumped by you?”

1979

He’s taking off his apron in front of the counter a few minutes after his shift ends, noticing how Seulgi is staring too much at him as she chews on a piece of white chocolate she always brings with her. She’s a friendly girl with a kind face that makes you feel welcome, she talks and listens well, and fortunately always arrives on time for shift change, which means that Yeonjun doesn’t have to wait nearly an hour to go home.

“Do I have something on my face?” He asks, running a hand over his cheek as Seulgi keeps staring at him with her soft eyebrows furrowed.

“No, it’s not that,” she replies, biting the tip of her tongue. “I’m just curious if you know the guy who’s outside with a bicycle.”

It’s Yeonjun’s turn to frown. “Guy with a bike?”

“Tall with short hair and a cute face,” Seulgi says, breaking off another piece of the chocolate bar. “I mean, he’s not really my type because he looks like a kid I’d babysit, but my cousin thought he was cute and pretty.”

Yeonjun’s mind fills him with hope before he knows if it’s really the boy he wants to see that’s waiting for him outside. He stuffs his apron into his old backpack without care and waves goodbye without looking at Seulgi, running almost desperately out the door. He stops near the iron bars that separate the spaces in the small parking lot, turning his face from side to side while looking for the boy that’s been living rent free in his thoughts ever since they met two years ago.

“Looking for something?”

Yeonjun turns his head quickly in the voice’s direction, feeling slightly dizzy for a moment. He hears a laugh filling the empty parking lot, his ears burning and his heart beating faster when he recognizes the sound.

Kai is sitting on one of the benches near the door, the ones teenagers use to sit after buying energy drinks and snacks or for a few smokers to light their cigs and drink their beer in peace. Yeonjun almost lets out a sigh of relief when he realizes the boy in the bicycle that Seulgi was talking about is actually Kai and not someone else. He looks exactly the same as he did earlier when they were celebrating, Yeonjun wonders if he has been waiting there this whole time.

“What are you doing here, Kai-yah?” Yeonjun asks, gripping the straps of his backpack tightly.

“Waiting for you, hyung.” Kai stands up, walking calmly over to Yeonjun with his bicycle by his side. “What else?”

Yeonjun begs for his heart to stop pounding so loudly, afraid that Kai would be able to hear it in the silent parking lot. “Where are the others?”

“They left after you dispatched everyone,” he shrugs, lips in a fine line.

“You’ve been waiting out here this whole time?” Yeonjun widens his eyes in perplexity. Kai nods sheepishly, his boyish smile on the lips that Yeonjun stares at a little bit too much. “Kai-yah, you could have stayed inside the store with me.”

“You were working, hyung,” he states, scratching his nape. “I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You would never bother me,” Yeonjun murmurs in a hushed tone, in hopes that his confession won’t be heard by the younger, but it’s not low enough to not travel to Kai’s ears.

“Good to know. I’ll save this information for future visits,” Kai winks, smiling openly.

Yeonjun takes a deep breath, knuckles white as he holds the straps of his backpack tighter. He can’t stop thinking a million things in a second. Why did Kai stay when all the others left? Will Beomgyu’s words from the afternoon be enough for him to figure it all out? Will Kai feel disgusted by him because of those feelings? Will he kindly ask Yeonjun to stop feeling this way for him? Homosexuality isn’t that well accepted in the world yet, Yeonjun knows this ever since he knew he wasn’t that into girls like all the other boys around him. He feels his heart being squeezed by Kai’s hands, like clay under a child’s hand.

“You can leave now if you want, Kai-yah,” Yeonjun says, biting the inside of his cheek and looking at the pavement under their feet. It sounds ruder than he wanted it to be, he doesn't want Kai to take it as dismissal of his company or Yeonjun not wanting to spend time with him, but there’s no taking back his words.

Kai keeps his hand on his nape, scratching slightly in the place where his hair is shorter than the rest. Compared to Kai’s hair, Yeonjun’s long enough for his cousin to braid it whenever she wants and he usually likes it whenever someone runs their fingers over his hair. He wonders if Kai likes it too, what it’d feel like to run his fingers through Kai’s short hair. Yeonjun shakes his head before the thought can spread further, this ain’t the time to think about such things.

“I was thinking…” Kai stops, rocking his body back and forth, hands in his pants pockets. “If I can walk you home.”

Yeonjun blinks. “Walk me home?”

Kai looks shy, something that Yeonjun has never seen before on the boy. “It’s on my way home, so I thought it’d be nice to have company while walking.”

It’s a lie, one of the biggest lies he has ever heard coming out of the boy’s mouth. Kai lives on the other side of town, the path isn’t even the same as the one that leads to Yeonjun’s house, but he doesn’t point it out to prevent embarrassing Kai. He nods and starts walking out of the parking lot, waiting for Kai to catch up with him on his bicycle. They ride side by side on the sidewalk throught the streets, Kai’s bicycle riding on the curb.

“I should be the one walking you home, Kai-yah,” Yeonjun comments, bumping his shoulder into Kai’s.

Kai giggles. “Don’t worry, hyung. It’s way better to walk you home.”

“Is that so?” Yeonjun asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Yep. I like spending time with you, Yeonjun-hyung.”

Yeonjun wants to ask, the flood of questions stuck in his throat with each step they take closer to his house. He wants to know why Kai stayed, why he waited, why he wants to walk him home so suddenly. He wants to ask if Kai knows the meaning behind the lyrics he composed, if he already knows that he’s Yeonjun’s one and only muse. He wants to ask if Kai hates him for having feelings for another man, if he’ll start hating and not liking to spend time with Yeonjun once he knows that he’s gay.

The questions stick to the walls of Yeonjun’s throat, never going away no matter how many times he swallows them.

1983

Maybe drinking until everything goes away wasn’t such a good idea, especially now as Yeonjun staggers through the halls of the hotel they’re staying in, giggling at nothing and almost falling face first. He feels a hand gripping his waist before he reaches the floor, laughing as the person who saved him puts him back on his feet, helping him walk to one of the rooms. Yeonjun doesn’t even know if he’s going to his own room, if this is the way to his room or if this is the hotel he’s staying in, his vision blurry and the dizziness preventing him from looking sideways at the person next to him.

He has no idea what time it is or how he got here in the first place, the last fresh thing in his mind is being surrounded by people on the makeshift dance floor and dropping his drink, glass breaking while he laughed as if someone cracked the funniest joke. Yeonjun knows that he overdid it this time, but it was all he needed to go the rest of the night without thinking once about Kai.

Now, he can’t stop wondering if Kai gave the girl he was chatting excitedly with a chance, if he took her to his hotel room, if the two are together right now while he’s being carried off to who knows where with someone he has no idea who it is. The bitter taste comes back to his tongue and he no longer feels like laughing, frowning while trying to focus on not falling again rather than the possibility of Kai kissing that woman — that she’s getting the thing that Yeonjun craves the most in this life.

He hears the sound of the keys on the hole, the lights coming on, making him squint his eyes at the sudden clarity, a hand gripping his shoulder tighter as he’s placed gently on the bed. Yeonjun feels strangely alone without the weight of the person’s hand on his shoulder once it’s gone, opening one of his eyes to make sure he’s not left alone, but his vision is still blurred for him to be able to see anything but a tall blur walking toward the door.

“Don’t go,” he says, voice breaking as he feels the scratch of his throat.

Yeonjun feels terrible now. The effects the alcohol leaves behind when it’s running out isn’t as cool as the effect of being pissed drunk. His head throbs and a weird taste stays in his mouth, his whole body weighing a ton and lightweight at the same time. It’s like the thought of Huening Kai has automatically made him sober, all the alcohol in his system disappearing.

Tonight, Yeonjun doesn’t want to be alone for some reason. Even if his company at the moment is someone he may not know.

“I’m not going anywhere,” the person replies, a crease forming between Yeonjun’s eyebrows. Something tells him that he knows this voice.

He hears footsteps, waiting for the person to approach the bed, but the sound of the balcony door being opened tells him of the person’s whereabouts. The cold night air makes the hair on Yeonjun’s exposed arm stand on end, his teeth gritting before he opens his eyes and tries to get up to close the door. His vision is slowly going back to normal, he can slowly see something other than a blur standing with its back to the balcony, leaning against the railing as they look out onto the strangely busy street. It seems to be almost morning by the way the sky is a lighter blue, but he’s not that sure of the time.

What he’s sure of is that he knows very well the red blouse the person is wearing.

Yeonjun falls back on the bed, this time face down on the mattress. What are the chances that the person who brought him back is Kai? He remembers his friend being busy the whole party, there’s no way he dropped all out just to aid Yeonjun. Anyone can have a blouse like that one, it’s one of this year’s top fashion items. This person is probably some bartender who felt sorry after finding a drunk Yeonjun lying on the floor after the party was over and decided to bring him back. Yeah, that’s totally what happened.

He slowly raises his head and looks at the balcony again. His vision is almost perfect now, he can see better the face of the person who accompanied him, which is tilted sideways. The pull in his stomach is so strong that it makes Yeonjun feel all the drinks from the night climbing up his throat, ready to throw up everything inside him — especially the bitterness of the pathetic jealousy he felt earlier.

The man outside isn’t a bartender who felt sorry for him and brought him back. It’s Kai, leaning over the railing and watching the morning sun make its slow approach. Yeonjun sighs muffled, wanting to scream until his voice is gone for days. Of all the people in the world in that party to bring him back and see him in this pathetic way, the person chosen by the universe is the one he’s in love with.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Yeonjun hears Kai asking from the balcony, concern in his voice. He probably heard him squirming on the mattress because of the shame eating him alive from the inside.

“‘m fine,” he replies drawlingly, turning his head slightly so Kai can hear his voice better. “When did the party end?”

Yeonjun doesn’t remember anything between the moment he felt jealous of Kai to the moment he stood in the hotel hallway with the younger one guiding him. The time gap between these two events is a big blur in his head, only some choppy events and glimpses, nothing very concrete for him to grasp. Yeonjun has no idea how the party came to an end or if he did something embarrassing that will be on the cover of all the magazines in less than twenty-four hours. He huffs, banging his head one last time on the mattress before getting up with difficulty, leaning on the walls and furniture to get to the balcony. He rests his head on the icy surface of the door, letting the freezing night wind hit him in the face.

“A few hours ago,” Kai replies, turning to look at him. “A cop showed up after two assholes started fighting for a chick. I brought you back because you were too far gone to come back by yourself.”

“Thanks,” Yeonjun mumbles, gnawing on his lip.

Kai takes a cigarette from the pocket of his pants, placing it between his lips but not lighting it yet. “I’ll leave as soon as you sleep, hyung. You don’t have to worry ‘bout it.”

“I’m not worried,” he replies. I don’t want you to leave me, please don’t leave me, he thinks but never says it aloud. At least he hopes Kai can see those words in his glossy eyes.

“By the looks, you enjoyed the party quite a bit,” he chuckles, pointing at Yeonjun with his head. He pulls a blue lighter from the same pocket, holding it tightly.

Yeonjun sighs, closing his eyes while rubbing hands on his face. “Don’t tell me.”

His headache is starting to get worse, but he doesn’t want his conversation with Kai to come to an end. It’s been so long since they’ve had a conversation just the two of them, without anyone else in between. It’s at these moments that Yeonjun usually takes the opportunity to make his feelings and what he thinks about the other a little more explicit, but it’s hard to know if Kai picks up on the information he gives. Yeonjun sometimes feels like he’s an FM radio while Kai only picks up AM frequencies.

“I’ve never seen someone drink that much. I think you had every single drink the bartender could make, hyung,” Kai comments, lighting his cigarette and taking a quick drag.

Yeonjun can’t remember when Kai started smoking, but it’s one of the younger’s new habits that he hates the most. He staggers over to where the other is, almost falling in the process before recovering in time. Yeonjun takes the cigarette from Kai’s lips, putting it on his own in a smooth motion. Kai stares at him with a raised eyebrow while Yeonjun inhales the smoke and tries not to cough. It’s not his first time smoking a cig, but he’s not the type to smoke that often — by the confused look on Kai’s face, he knows that too.

“Kai-yah, remind me not to drink this much at the next party we have,” Yeonjun says, filling the space between them with the smoke.

“You were having fun. I couldn’t take that away from you, hyung.” Kai shrugs, not taking the cigarette back from Yeonjun’s lips.

“Had fun?” He asks, staring up at the sky that’s closer and closer to become morning.

Kai twists his lips, thoughtful. “Not as much as you did.”

“There’s no need to lie to me, Kai-yah,” he says with an eye-roll. “I saw you talking to a blonde girl the entire party. You seemed to be having a great time with her.”

“She was pretty cool and told nice jokes,” Kai comments, not sounding all that excited to talk about it.

“I thought you were going to spend the night with her.” Yeonjun takes another drag, trying to not suffocate with the smoke and the jealousy.

“She was nice and all, but I forgot her name in the middle of our conversation,” Kai chuckles. “She’s not really my type.”

“Ah.” Yeonjun lets out a puff of smoke, feeling ridiculous for having felt such jealousy over nothing.

“Besides, I was busy keeping an eye on my favorite hyung,” he says, bumping their shoulders together.

Yeonjun almost chokes on the smoke, coughing lightly. “You were keeping an eye on me?”

“Of course, hyung,” Kai hums, lightly tapping the older’s back as he stops coughing. “You were very drunk and I didn’t want you to accidentally hurt yourself or have anyone take advantage of you at that moment.”

Yeonjun feels more ridiculous after hearing that. He doesn’t deserve Kai’s concern, doesn’t deserve having him spend the whole night looking after him instead of enjoying the party. He puts out the cigarette on the balcony railing, throwing the butt down the street without caring. Yeonjun can’t look into Kai’s eyes without feeling bad, without feeling that he simply doesn’t deserve anything coming from him. He turns around and staggers out of the balcony, throwing himself into one of the armchairs that face the bed.

“I feel so ridiculous,” he mumbles, running a hand through his hair and pulling a little harder than necessary, his scalp throbbing.

“Why?” Kai asks, stepping into the room and sitting on the bed with his legs spread.

He takes a good look at Kai at that moment. His hair is a bit messy, still the same cut he has worn since they were teenagers — the same haircut that makes Yeonjun’s hands tingle with the desire to run his fingers through it, a secret that he keeps only to himself and his daydreams. The red shirt covering his torso has a few buttons open the same way it was during the party; from up close and in good lighting, Yeonjun can have a perfect glimpse of his chest. Hands that were tingling before, now throb with the urge to open the rest of the buttons and see Kai’s whole chest. He’s also wearing leather pants that hug his thighs deliciously, Yeonjun’s mouth water while he stares at them.

Yeonjun shakes his head, dispelling any unwanted desires and dirty thoughts about his younger friend and bandmate.

“Because while I was busy being jealous, you were genuinely worried about me,” Yeonjun admits in what was supposed to be a mocking tone, but comes out as nothing but the naked truth.

The alcohol is still through his veins even if he doesn’t feel it as strong as before, his brain filters blocked for the meantime. At that moment, Yeonjun is tired of hiding his feelings and speaking through riddles and half-assed words. He knows what he feels, knows that he can’t hide it any longer no matter how hard he tries. 

“Jealous?” Kai’s eyebrows furrow. “Jealous of what, hyung?”

Yeonjun can’t bring himself to say it yet. All he can do is blush and look away, praying that Kai won’t pry him to say more. The silence is heavy on the room, making everything suffocating and hotter, like Yeonjun is stuck inside a steam room. He can feel Kai’s eyes on him, watching, waiting, assessing. He should be used to all eyes on him, he’s the biggest worldwide rockstar at the moment, a hot topic, a person everyone turns their heads to look at; he usually loves to soak in the attention he receives from all types of publics.

When that attention comes directly from Kai, he doesn’t feel the same anymore. There’s a bubbling feeling inside his belly, hands sweating, throat dry, heart pounding louder, skin one fire. Yeonjun is like a star about to combust and destroy everything around him. All from a simple look coming from Kai — who was a boy once, a boy that Yeonjun was infatuated with from the beginning; who’s now a man, a man that has Yeonjun’s infatuation growing to the point of turning into something way damaging. There’s something in Kai’s eyes, something in those soft and understanding orbs that has Yeonjun shrinking and trembling, wishing for the feelings to go away and stay for longer at the same time.

Yeonjun knows the name of the feeling inside him, but the lump in his throat won’t let him say it out loud.

1987

They spend minutes looking at each other, standing face to face, a staring contest to see who will succumb first and end things once and for all. Yeonjun wishes this talk would lead down a different path, but the anger still fresh and burning inside him screams that there's nothing to salvage here.

Tonight, he lets the anger speak louder than his heart and his love for the man in front of him.

"We're not the same people. We don't know each other anymore," Yeonjun begins, never breaking eye contact, looking deep into Kai's eyes. "There's no reason for us to be together anymore. We're two complete strangers again."

Kai widens his eyes. "Yeonjun-hyung—"

"Let's break up," he says sternly, pushing the words out before Kai can say anything else.

"You want to break up?" The younger giggles bitterly, as if Yeonjun had told a joke that's not funny at all.

"Yeah," Yeonjun hums. "Things are no longer working out for us."

"Hyung, when things don't work out between couples, they talk it out and try to find a way to make things work," Kai says, taking a deep breath. The calm before the storm that Yeonjun knows it's bound to appear at any time. "They don't point fingers or put the blame on the other and end the relationship."

"You don't get it, Kai." Yeonjun sighs, pushing his hair back. "The Huening Kai I love so much isn't the same one standing in front of me right now. There's no reason to keep this going."

" This?" Kai repeats, perplexed. "This is how you see our relationship, hyung? Like a thing you can just throw away whenever you feel like it? Like something that has no meaning to you?"

Yeonjun rubs the crease in his forehead. This conversation is taking too much time for a break up, he can't keep this up anymore. He's tired, angry and a little tipsy from the drinks he gulped earlier for liquid courage.

"Let's make up when we get to know each other again."

"Hyung, are you even listening to the bullshit you're saying?" Kai raises his voice. The first thunder, a warning for Yeonjun to leave as fast as he can and seek shelter. "I'm still the same person from years ago! I'm still the same Kai, goddammit."

"No, you're not." Yeonjun grit through his teeth. "People change, Kai-yah. You and I have changed since '79. We're no longer teenagers in puppy love. We're adults now, and you need time. So I'm giving you the time you asked for, as well as the time Soobin and Beomgyu asked."

"Hyung, I don't want to break up," Kai says, devoid of any feeling except despair and sadness.

"But I do."

Yeonjun can see the moment he breaks the younger heart, it's one of the worst sights he had in his whole life. That's enough, he needs to get out before the storm drowns him. He turns around and walks to the door, numbed momentarily by the anger that's slowly fading away. He knows all his words will hurt a lot more once he's all alone, but there's no turning back. Yeonjun has made another wrong decision that he'll regret again, but he'll dwell on it later.

He keeps walking until his hand touches the doorknob, turning around briefly to see that Kai is standing in the same place, probably trying to understand what has just happened in that short period of time. Yeonjun takes one last look at this confused and crestfallen face, commits his furrowed brows and the turn in his lips to memory. He'll use that as thoughts to blame himself later when he's all alone in his apartment.

"I still love you so much, Kai-yah," he confesses in a hushed tone, hoping Kai can't hear with the muffled sounds of the party going on outside. "This is the best option. Maybe this isn't our time yet, and I'll be waiting patiently for that. I hope we won't have to wait too long, if that time even exists. Until then, goodbye Hyuka."

Yeonjun walks out the bedroom door, the backdoor of the mansion, opens the door of the cab he called and the door to his place. He couldn't care less if people will notice his absence, what the tabloids will say in a few days about him leaving in the middle of the party. His mind isn't in the place to think about nothing except sleeping his pain away.

He feels cold in his apartment, under the covers that won't bring him warmth. His body is slowly freezing without the anger burning brightly inside him — without having Kai by his side indefinitely.

1985

The warm water falling on his back is soothing, making Yeonjun sigh deeply as he drowns under the showerhead. He usually likes to take long baths in the tub after some grueling interview, but today he decided the shower was the quickest way to get rid of the tension in his back and the throbbing pain in his head. Since he left the huge broadcasting building where the interview took place, Yeonjun has only felt like going back to his hotel room and taking a few hours to relax by himself — and not think about Huening Kai in the process, which he’s failing miserably.

He rests his forehead against the cold, wet tile next to the hot jet, closing his eyes and trying to forget Kai’s displeased face during the whole interview whenever they made eye contact. It’s been a while now that Kai’s been acting weird, the kind of shift in his demeanor that it’s noticeable enough for Beomgyu and Soobin to catch up, and to make Yeonjun jittery. It’s no secret that Kai’s true personality is that cheerful guy with a loud laugh that makes everyone laugh with him, but he was so quiet today that even the interviewer seemed to notice. He didn’t even laugh at Beomgyu’s unfunny joke or rolled his eyes when Soobin made some self-centered remark that he was the soul of the band. They had to fix this before it got more serious, but how can Yeonjun fix something when he doesn’t even know what the problem is?

To be sincere, Kai’s been acting weird ever since they started this new North American tour at the beginning of the year. They’re slowly approaching July, which means something is very worrying — at least it’s worrisome for Yeonjun, who’s the main target of the drummer’s silent and frigid side.

Yeonjun sighs once again, running his hands through his drenched hair and looking at the drops running down the tiles. Things were so good before this tour started, it feels almost like a dream turning slowly into a nightmare. They were talking more about feelings and Yeonjun stole a few kisses when they were alone in the studio or hotel rooms, confessions still spilling from the lyrics he writes, words that seem to go unnoticed by his muse. 

Soobin said something once that never left Yeonjun’s mind to this day. He said that Kai seems to orbit around Yeonjun, as if he’s the sun and Kai is a planet seeking warmth, never stopping that circling motion around his stars. Those words left a giddy feeling that won’t go away. Yeonjun can taste the sweetness of having his love reciprocated, and he can't get enough of it. There’s flowers in his stomach and an unbreakable joy inside his heart.

But that was before. Now, all Yeonjun feels is the cold touch of the way Kai looks and treats him, freezing even with the warm water on his skin. Something in his head keeps saying that maybe he’s overreacting, that Kai just needs time to deal with his feelings and the reality of liking another man. Yeonjun always agrees with that voice, even if it has let him down several times, he still grasps onto the words and waits for the best.

He turns off the shower and walks with wet steps to the hanging towel, rubbing his face until he feels the skin almost burning. He dries himself slowly, brushing the towel over his body lazily, taking longer than usual to dry his mid-hair — it’s desperately begging for a cut, but Yeonjun hardly has the time for that lately. He barely has time to breathe between photoshoots, band rehearsals, interviews, concerts that last almost a whole night and having to deal with too many thoughts swirling in his head. It’s actually a miracle that they don’t have another show tonight, it’s the first day off he has in ages.

Yeonjun feels a shiver as he comes out of the bathroom with nothing but the towel wrapped around his waist, the icy wind from the open balcony door making his body feel the thermal shock. Yeonjun is too relaxed to care, walking over to his suitcase lying next to the bed, picking up a few pieces of clothing and dressing with the same slowness he used to dry himself.

The door suddenly opens, by some great miracle he’s already dressed in a long t-shirt and boxers to prevent being seen naked by whoever is entering the room. He sits on the bed with the remote control in his hand, zapping through channels for something to watch. He only pays attention to the door opening when he sees someone leaning their heads in the door. Ever since some fans started breaking into hotel rooms to see if they could get autographs or exclusive photos, everyone was asked to pay more attention to doors — especially to lock them, but Yeonjun always forgets it.

“There’s a thing called knocking, y’know?” Yeonjun remarks with a bit of arrogance, turning his attention back to the tele.

Kai is still wearing the same clothes from the interview, hair pushed backwards in a way that makes Yeonjun’s heart skip a few beats. Surprisingly, his face isn’t set on the usual scowl, he looks a bit angry and annoyed. He walks over to where Yeonjun is sitting, blocking the view to the show that Yeonjun isn’t paying attention to, but he pretends to do it just to give Kai a little taste of the way he’s been treated so far.

Yeonjun rolls his eyes, staring at Kai with disdain. “You’re in the way.”

Kai throws a magazine on the bed next to Yeonjun, not a single word being said, eyes burning but still frigid enough for a chill to creep down Yeonjun’s spine. He turns his head to the magazine, it looks like one of those thousands of celebrity gossip types, picking it up unwillingly. He hadn’t noticed Kai bringing the magazine with him, which is new since he used to be a professional when it comes to noticing everything about the man. Yeonjun brings it close to him so he can see what Kai supposedly wants him to see.

There’s a picture of him on the cover, Yeonjun risks saying it’s a recent one by the looks of his new hair style and the clothes he remembers wearing to a party a few months ago. There’s a woman next to him, close enough to make it look like they’re almost making out from the camera angle. Yeonjun recognizes her, Yerim Kim, an actress who’s on the rise lately because of a role in a movie he has never seen. Below the photo is a headline with white letters too large compared to the others in the cover. ROCKSTAR HAS HEART STOLEN BY FAMOUS ACTRESS?

The headline is so sensationalist that Yeonjun chuckles, running his tongue over his lips and looking back at Kai with a raised eyebrow. It’s comical that after so many years, magazines still think Yeonjun is this womanizer rockstar that’s been with more women than can be counted on fingers. The photo on the cover is real, Yeonjun was this close to Yerim and talked to her the whole night, but it was only a new friendship kind of talk — mainly they bonded over jewelry and clothes since they had the same bracelets, then the conversation shifted to both of them being queer. He still keeps contact with Yerim, as he does with all the women that talk to him nicely. Nothing beyond friendship, as it happens whenever he talks to women.

“Is it true?” Kai asks, voice so sharp it’d be able to cut Yeonjun into pieces like a katana. He rarely uses that tone, rarely speaks with such seriousness when the two are alone.

“Are you serious?” Yeonjun chuckles amusedly.

“Yes, Yeonjun,” Kai crosses his arms. The lack of honorifics gives the conversation even more seriousness. “I’m completely serious.”

Yeonjun puts the tip of his tongue between his closed lips, shaking his head in annoyance as he tosses the magazine back on the bed. He can’t believe that this stupid headline is the only reason for Kai to break his vow of silence and pick a unnecessary fight, judging by the flames in his eyes and the seriousness in his expression. Yeonjun hates fighting, especially with people he loves deeply, but if that’s what Kai wants, he won’t back away now.

“What if it is?” Yeonjun says bitterly. Just because he loves Kai, doesn’t mean he’s going to put his head down and sit still while being accused of something he didn’t do. It’s time for Kai to get a good dose of a different kind of poison. “Why does it matter to you, Kai-yah?”

“I—” he blinks, searching for words. His jaw goes rigid, hands turning into fists around his chest. “I never thought you’re a liar.”

“Liar?” Yeonjun repeats in perplexity.

“Yeah, a liar,” Kai says, uncrossing his arms. “Some time ago you kept saying a hundred times how much you wanted me close and that you couldn’t have anyone but me, but ever since the tour started all you do is flirt and throw yourself to every woman who breathes your way,” he adds, words calculated enough that Yeonjun can understand them perfectly even if he’s talking quickly.

“Funny of you to say that, since all you do nowadays is ignore me as if I don’t even exist anymore,” Yeonjun scoffs.

Kai gapes. “That’s not true!”

“Don’t be a hypocrite, Kai,” Yeonjun spits. “This is the first time you’ve exchanged more than five words with me since the tour began. And it’s over a ridiculous headline in a fucking gossip magazine.”

“So that’s what you think?” Kai bites back. “That caring about you cheating on me is ridiculous?”

“Cheating on you?” Yeonjun raises his voice, starting to get nervous. “How the fuck am I cheating on you, Huening Kai?”

Kai cringes for a second, stuffing his chest again and retorting with a raised voice as well, “Banging all these girls after all the things you said to me years ago in that hotel room.”

It’s thunder before a big storm that takes Yeonjun by surprise, his ears throbbing with the harsh tone in Kai’s voice. He won’t back down still, even if things between them get worse in the end, arguing is better than the nothing he’s getting from Kai lately. 

“Seems like you didn’t paid attention to anything that I fucking said that time,” he sneers.

“What the fuck are you talking about, hyung?”

“I’m gay, you fucking asshole.” Yeonjun spits the words in Kai’s face. “I’m not banging any girls because I like dudes.”

Yeonjun feels the anger running through his veins, but he also feels relief that he has finally admitted his sexuality to someone other than himself and Soobin in that night he had enough and needed to tell someone he trusted about this secret. In that moment he can’t help but realize that there’s no reminiscent of the sweet taste on his lips every time he looks at Kai. All he can feel is a bitter one that makes his teeth grind, a lemon being shoved in his mouth.

1983

Yeonjun loves parties, especially ones where he can gulp down expensive drinks and be the darling rockstar that everyone loves and cherishes. Growing up in a household with several cousins and being the oldest has meant that he didn’t get as much attention as he’d like to — adding that to his chronic neediness, he’s naturally a person that likes to be pampered and adored by whoever is close to him. To his great luck, all the people at this party are willing to surround him and look at him like he’s the most important thing in the world.

Deep inside, he knows it’s not enough. Doesn’t matter how many men and women look at him tonight, he’d rather have someone else looking at him like he’s this nation’s treasure. A person with short hair and a red blouse, who sipped nothing all night but two beers and didn't bat an eye in his direction.

Yeonjun isn’t looking at him, on the contrary, he decides that he’s going to stop spinning around Kai like it’s his life purpose. His defense tonight is that he looks too handsome to not be watched, with his short hair and red blouse with a few buttons open, giving everyone a glimpse of his chests. Yeonjun steals glances in the drummer’s direction almost the entire party, wondering what it’d be like to run his fingertips delicately over the exposed chest. He’s too drunk to blame himself for thinking such things about his young bandmate.

There’s a glass with a colored drink in Yeonjun’s hand that he doesn’t remember going to the bar to get. In fact, since the tequila shot he had when he arrived, he has no idea how the drinks keep appearing in his hands, but he’s not complaining. He’s more than willing to drink everything he hasn’t drunk during his teenage years.

It’s a party in celebration for the band’s second LP release, a tough job for them because of the experimental sounds and more mature lyrics. All of them are in his twenties, it’s not like they can keep singing about puppy-love when there are other things on people’s minds. By the way the records have sould out and the songs are playing on the radio already, it’s a big indicator that the public has liked this new phase of LOSER=LOVER. It’s a celebration for all the band’s hard work and the first time in months of touring around the country that everyone can get wasted and wake up the next day with a huge hangover without getting stuck on a bus traveling somewhere else.

It would be very stupid of Yeonjun’s part if he doesn’t make the most of tonight.

D.M.S.R. is playing on the big speakers, most of the guests are dancing on a makeshift dance floor in the living room of the mansion that Yeonjun has no idea who’s the owner. The ones who aren’t dancing, are holding glasses of drinks in their hands and swaying slightly to the music as they chat excitedly. A festive and cheerful atmosphere, Yeonjun gets carried away by the women around complimenting him and the sweet taste of the orange drink in his hand.

From where he is, he catches a glimpse of Soobin whirling around in a fumbling fashion with a black-haired girl a little shorter than him, he doesn’t have to look twice to recognize his friend’s new girlfriend. Sieun is kind and funny, she makes a point of teasing Soobin the same way that Yeonjun does, which made him adore the girl without having to exchange more than ten words with her. They look cute together, moving to the music as they laugh and act like there’s no one else in the place but them. It’s a beautiful thing to see, love being reciprocated.

Yeonjun wouldn’t say he’s envious, but looking too much makes him wish for the same kind of thing. He wishes he could dance with Kai in the same way, but it’d never happen in this lifetime.

He manages to spot Beomgyu too, hitting on a journalist who looks much older and who’s not paying him the slightest bit of attention. The woman rolls her eyes before nudging Beomgyu lightly on the shoulder and walking up the stairs, Beomgyu smirks as he follows her without caring that he has been dumped seconds ago. He’s still the same as before, always in the hunt for older women because according to his own words, it’s much more interesting to be dominated by an older woman. Yeonjun’s second wish in this life is to have never heard those words. Beomgyu is the one that shows up the most in magazine covers with absurd rumors — most of them are true, but no one needs to know the truth.

The only equally single person in the band is Kai, who’s mostly busy with things far more important to him than going out at night and being caught by paparazzis with some girl. At least, that’s what he thinks and says every time Beomgyu asks why he keeps acting like a goody-two-shoes. Yeonjun’s eyes roam the large, crowded room of the mansion, searching for Kai as if he was the only light in a pitch black darkness.

Kai is leaning against a wall, still holding the same beer bottle he picked up earlier in the evening, laughing at something a blond-haired girl is saying to him. They aren’t as close as Soobin and Sieun, but from the way the girl is looking at him, she’s sure that she’ll hit the jackpot by the end of the party. Yeonjun feels a burn in his stomach, a feeling that makes the drink in his hand turn bitter instead of sweet. He knows it’s the taste of jealousy of the girl next to Kai. Jealous of the way she looks at him and flirts so shamelessly while the younger seems to be giving her the chances she’s seeking for.

Jealousy is something Yeonjun never liked to feel, even more when it comes to his friend and bandmate. Kai isn’t his anything and never will be, no matter how much it hurts in his bruised heart to admit it. They’ll always be just bandmates and best friends, Yeonjun will always be his favorite hyung and nothing more. Yeonjun shouldn’t feel jealous that Kai is finally talking to someone after being single for so long.

He gulps down the rest of his drink, then takes whatever is in the glass of the man next to him, who complains about it but Yeonjun couldn’t care more. The liquid goes down his throat in a burning descent, making his vision blur in the corners and his head spin a little, but he doesn’t care. He shouts something that makes the people around him cheer loudly, handing more glasses in his direction with an assortment of alcoholic beverages. Yeonjun drinks it all quickly, shaking his head and almost staggering toward the dance floor, wedging himself between two girls in tight dresses and provocative smiles on their faces.

Yeonjun should enjoy this night, and that’s exactly what he’s going to do.

1985

“Next time you feel this way, talk to me first,” Yeonjun says calmly, but it comes out as a warning. “If we want this to work out, we need to be completely honest with each other. That means talking about how we feel even if it’s the corniest conversation in the world.”

“Do you want to try again?” Kai says, gaze filled with hope as he looks at Yeonjun, voice equally hopeful like he’s silent pleading for Yeonjun to not end things.

“I’ve waited eight years for you, Kai. You really think I’m going to throw this chance away this easily?” He raises an eyebrow, smiling.

Kai beams, making his heart skip a few beats from how beautiful the sight is. “You wanna talk about feeling now, hyung?”

“Kai-yah, that’s not something you ask before you speak.”

“Right, right,” he hums, biting his lip and fidgeting. “It’s just… I have no experience with these things.”

Yeonjun snorts. “You think I do?”

“Hyung, I thought you—”

“I’m gay, Hyuka,” he says, matter-of-factly. “And I’m famous. You really think I have time to find someone and learn how to date?

“You make it sound so easy even if you have no experience,” Kai pouts, looking away.

“It’s easy for me because I’ve written thousands of songs with my feelings for you. I’m used to talking about it,” Yeonjun shrugs. “The whole world knows implicitly that I’m head over heels for you.”

Kai’s eyes widens. “The songs are for me…?”

“Some are for you, some are about you,” he replies, looking away in embarrassment. It’s easy to talk about his songs for Kai in the loneliness of his room, not in front of said man. “It depends on how I’m feeling at the moment I write.”

“Hyung, can I say I like you?” Kai says without hesitation, the glow in his face increasing when Yeonjun looks at him.

Yeonjun can’t find the words to say, his confident facet crumbling completely under Kai’s still boyish look and adoration-filled eyes. He can only nod, his mind thinking that maybe he heard the words wrong, maybe Kai means that he likes him as a friend and nothing more. Maybe Yeonjun is dreaming, having fallen asleep the moment he got out of the shower.

Kai surges forward and takes one of Yeonjun’s hands, holding it so gently that it makes the air get knocked out of his lungs. He strokes the back of the hand softly, before bringing it to his lips and giving it an equally delicate kiss.

“What If I told you I’ve liked you since we recorded our first EP, hyung?”

Yeonjun opens and closes his mouth until letting out a weak, “You do?”

The younger takes his other hand this time and does the same thing again, holding them both together before looking back at Yeonjun. “What if I said that that night in the studio when we were taking that silly quiz, I started to think about what it’d be like to have you as my boyfriend?”

“I’d believe you,” he blinks, dumbfounded by Kai’s sudden confidence to talk about his feelings.

“What if I said that you’re the only thing in my mind all the time, hyung?”

“Maybe I’ll believe it.” Yeonjun flutters his eyes shut, the itch to say that Kai is the only thing in his mind all the time comes back — at this point, he’s sure that he doesn’t have to say it out loud for Kai to pick up his affections towards him.

Kai grins to himself. “What if I say that even though I’m scared, I want to be by hyung’s side?”

“I’d say you don’t need to be afraid.” Yeonjun cradles the younger’s face with his hands, looking deep into him. “There’s one one here but us, Hyuka.”

Kai wraps his arms around the older’s waist, looking at him with a silent plea for something that doesn’t have to be said aloud. His arms remain in the same place as Yeonjun nods, the permission he needs to stay. Oh, how Yeonjun missed this kind of affection coming from the other.

“What if I ask for a kiss, hyung?”

“You don’t have to ask.”

Yeonjun leans in and kisses Kai with determination, sighing as he feels the softness of the other’s lips against his. The kiss tastes minty from the cigarette that Kai smoked before coming here, but Yeonjun doesn’t complain for now. He feels everything all at once, as if the world is spinning faster around him. His heart beating faster for doing something he missed after so long. He’s so elated he can’t hold back the gasp that escapes between his open lips when Kai deepens the kiss, squeezing his waist in an ungentle way. The way Yeonjun has been longing and wanting so much.

Kai kisses as if his life depends on it, as if the moment is going to end too quickly and he has to enjoy every single second of it. He kisses hard and bruising, Yeonjun moaning silently when he feels one of his big hands touching his exposed thigh, bringing him closer. There’s no time to think of anything other than wrapping his hands around Kai’s neck and kissing him just as hard.

Yeonjun is sure that heaven has the taste of Kai’s lips and the feeling of his hands running over his body.

At some point of their makeout, Yeonjun is sofly laid on the bed, gasping loudly when Kai leans over him again and kisses him with the same hardness from before. He whines audibly when he feels a hand back on his thigh, moving up his belly and stopping there for a while. The touch is hot, scalding on Yeonjun’s skin, he’s like gold being melted down to become something shaped by Kai’s hands. He feels so hot he begins to heave, pulling Kai closer and running his nails across his nape, the younger moaning loudly before breaking away.

“Do you want to keep going?” He asks in a breathy voice, eyes so dark and inviting that Yeonjun wants to pull him back and pick up from where they left off.

Yeonjun huffs, the breath leaving his lungs as hot as Kai’s touch. “That’s the dumbest question you’ve ever asked, Kai-yah.”

Kai smirks, something dangerous in his face. “Is that a yes, hyung?”

“Yeah,” he hums.

“All the way?”

“All the way.”

“Have you…?” Kai drifts off, sounding slightly worried.

“I’m gay and I used to live in a catholic household. You’re literally the only guy who has ever kissed me and I’ve given a chance,” Yeonjun replies. “If it’s not clear enough, that’s a no. What ‘bout ya?”

Kai scrunches his nose. “Same.”

“Great. Now that we set up our starting point, shut up and keep kissing me,” he says with a tinge of impatience. He knows that talking about it and setting boundaries is important for what they’re about to do, but he’d rather be using his lips to kiss Kai’s reddish, bright and attractive lips.

Kai shakes his head, chuckling. “Hyung, can I say I’m in love with you?”

“Later.”

He giggles this time, being pulled close and kissed by Yeonjun without any warning. If his mind wasn’t so foggy from horniness and so desperate to search the warmth of Kai’s lips, he’d have given a little more thought to the fact that Kai has explicitly admitted that he’s in love with him. As the words pass through the fog, he can’t help but smile mid-kiss and breath out passionately. He feels Kai moving his body closer, hips grinding messily against Yeonjun, big hand hovering over one of his nipples and pinching hard without warning. Yeonjun lets out a moan that’s swallowed up by the desperate way Kai keeps kissing him, arching his back to seek more friction.

The space between them is hot, but it’s way more suffocating when Kai pulls away to remove his shirt, taking longer than necessary. Yeonjun huffs impatiently, pulling off his own shirt and throwing it somewhere on the floor. Kai chuckles adorably, coming back in slow moves, almost losing balance when Yeonjun pulls him hard, switching positions before Kai can react.

“You were taking too long,” Yeonjun complains, blowing a strand of hair away from his eyes.

“Someone seems impatient,” he stares up at him, chest heaving and cheeks slightly pinkish.

“You have no idea,” Yeonjun mumbles, going back to his task of kissing the younger breathless. He doesn’t even care that the balcony door is open or that his room door is unlocked. The only thing that matters is the way Kai keens and moans breathy, eyes closed tightly in pleasure.

Yeonjun could write a million songs about this moment and he still wouldn’t be able to portrait the beautifulness of it.

Even though he’s desperate, he takes his time the best he can. He watches hungrily the exposed torso below, so close and reachable; Yeonjun has dreamed of touching so many times whenever he had a glimpse of Kai changing shirts during concerts. It’s almost pathetic the way Yeonjun’s often dreams couldn’t do justice one bit to the real thing in front of him. Kai looks straight out of a wet dream, with messy hair and swollen red lips, his body so big in all the places that Yeonjun feels dizzy with desire.

The Kai under him is an image that will never leave Yeonjun’s head.

He runs his fingers gently over Kai’s body, tracing aimless paths down his chest and belly, index finger running lightly over his perky nipples, teasing enough for a desperate whine to escape the younger’s lips. Yeonjun watches the way Kai shivers, pliant under his touch, back arching off the covers, so desperate and needy. Just the way Yeonjun wants him the most. Kai looks already out of it as he opens his eyes, black pearls glancing at Yeonjun, begging and waiting for everything Yeonjun will give him.

Who’s Yeonjun to deny such things when it comes to Kai?

“You have no idea how many times I’ve dreamed about this,” Yeonjun tells him, hand stopping near the button of Kai’s jeans.

“You dreamt of banging me?” Kai asks with an innocent tilt, voice slurred and bright eyes fixated on his hyung’s face.

“More than I can count on my fingers, to be honest,” he chuckles, running his hands up Kai’s side in a soothing manner, causing the other to shut his eyes tightly and open his mouth in a silent groan.

When Kai opens his eyes again, there’s a glint of mischief in his gaze, a challenge to Yeonjun. “What are you waiting for to make this into reality?”

He doesn’t need Kai to repeat it again. Yeonjun tilts his head toward the younger’s lips, giving him a short kiss and chuckling when he notices Kai moving closer, chasing for his lips again. He maps out the expanse of Kai’s body with his lips, kissing his jaw, moving to his neck and stopping closer to the place in his chest where his heart is. His lips linger that, glued to the place he cherishes and is most important to him.

Yeonjun kisses all the exposed skin of his torso, stopping close to the pants that are still covering the rest of his body, carefully taking off and throwing them away. A gasped moan leaves Kai’s mouth as he feels Yeonjun kissing the inside of his thighs, hungrily biting and leaving lovebites that will stay for a few days. Yeonjun feels fingers running through his hair, pulling gently, something bubbling up inside him over this motion. He takes his time marking up Kai’s creamy and soft thighs, arousal growing with each whimper and low moan that fills the room. For someone as noisy as Kai, he’s rather quiet in such a moment.

“H-hyung,” Kai stutters, breathless and needy, voice sticky like honey being poured. His gaze seems even more desperate out of the foggy parts, the wait no longer something he can bear. “Do something.”

“What do you want me to do, Hyuka?” Yeonjun teases, hand close to Kai’s bulge but not close enough to touch.

“Something, anything. Just touch me,” he whines, back arching looking for any kind of friction. “Please, hyung. Please. ”

It’s the second please that makes Yeonjun give up completely and do as the man is begging. He kisses Kai’s mouth again, a noise of desperation and desire escaping between their connected lips as he finally brushes against Kai’s dick. The kiss is hard and clumsy, Kai’s mouth perpetually open in moans and groans loud enough to make all the hair in Yeonjun’s body stand up. He wants to listen to this sound again and again, a wake-up call made only for him.

They’re fully naked in no time, the moment feeling much deeper than it looks, more intimate than just sex needs to be. Yeonjun feels that not only his body is exposed for Kai to see, but his deeper feelings as well. Feelings that he drops into Kai’s hands for him to do as he pleases. In that moment, Kai chooses to savor the feelings, along with the hard and delicious way Yeonjun kisses him, leaving marks on his body and getting inside him with desire for the rest of their night off.

1987

The party going on doesn't seem to bring any kind of excitement into Yeonjun tonight. There's a glass in his hand that was handed to him earlier in the night that he hasn't taken a sip of. The drink is probably warm by now from the amount of time he has been holding it tightly. People are dancing and talking, but he can't pretend and do the same tonight, ignoring everyone that tries to talk to him and shying away from the spotlight. There's too many things on his mind, no mood for celebration left in him.

They managed to finish the album between Yeonjun and Beomgyu trading barbs almost every day, Soobin not looking Yeonjun in the face for more than two minutes and more disagreements about the tracklist than usual. Overall, it was unbearable to stay in the studio, and the tracklist was thrown into Yeonjun’s hands after an argument, making him spend more time in the studio than the others. Yeonjun was all alone, not even Kai staying behind to keep him company. The release of this last album is really a miracle.

He doesn’t see any of his bandmates at the party, but he knows they’re here. They wouldn’t dump an album release party, not when the news about the band’s break hasn't gone public yet. It’d be too dangerous if one of them didn’t show up at least for the press photos and interviews. Maybe they’re hiding from Yeonjun’s eyes, blending among the people to avoid running into him. He doesn’t blame them, he knows he hasn’t been the best friend and hyung in the world lately.

If there’s an award for worst friend in the world, Yeonjun would probably win without breaking a sweat.

The only person he’s seen all night is Kai, who doesn’t seem to be avoiding him but at the same time is doing exactly that. They still talk, but Kai is more distant than before, floating to a place that Yeonjun can’t reach. There’s no kissing, no nights spent together, no laughter between them. There’s only conversations in the studio or on the way to Yeonjun’s apartment, always an excuse ready on the tip of the younger’s tongue to not stay the night. Yeonjun isn’t a fool, he knows that things between them are awkward ever since the talk about the break, and he can’t find a gap to talk with Kai to settle everything — or end it, in the worst case scenario.

By a miracle, a gap appears in the form of Kai entering one of the rooms in the huge mansion alone. Yeonjun leaves his glass on one of the small tables and walks at a brisk pace to the room, briefly greeting people that pass by and ignoring calls of his name. He doesn’t have time for anything other than talking to Kai in that room right now.

The room lights are on when he enters, closing the door carefully and leaning on it. Kai is standing near the balcony door, cig between his lips, the flame from the lighter approaching his face and casting an orange-y glow on his face. Kai takes a look at the door, no surprise in his gaze — if anything, Yeonjun can only see boredom and weariness on his sharp features. This looks nothing like the Kai he fell in love with, but it's fine. Yeonjun himself doesn't look the same.

They're no longer teenagers with a band and a dream. The band is no longer the others' priority, only Yeonjun's.

"Hey, hyung," Kai greets before lighting his cigarette. "Enjoying the party?"

"Do I look like I'm enjoying the party?" Yeonjun asks annoyedly in lieu of an answer. The same anger from when the band's break was announced to him running through his veins.

Kai looks down at the cigarette between his fingers, void of any emotion. Yeonjun wants him to look at him, to see him, to see how his constant avoidance is starting to affect Yeonjun more than he lets out. Kai keeps looking at his lit cigarette, at the open balcony door, at the starless sky, anything but the man in the room with him. Yeonjun is starting to feel bothered.

"I have to admit that at our last album release party you had a lot more fun, hyung," he comments, blowing smoke into the air.

"How can I enjoy it when I know this is the last time I'll have it?" Yeonjun spits, moving away from the door with closed fists, nails biting his palms and leaving painful crescents.

"You talk as if you're not going to have all this if you go after a solo career," Kai snickers.

"I don't want a fucking solo career," he snaps. "I want to stay in a band. I want to play with my friends like it used to be."

"We're still going to be a band and friends, that won't change," Kai explains with tiredness, a sigh leaving him. "The guys just need a break from all of it. I need a break."

"And what about us? " Yeonjun breathes out the only topic that matters to him tonight.

From all the things going on in his life, Yeonjun only has his relationship with Kai to salvage somehow. The situation is already too critical between him and his other friends for him to back out and try to fix it. Kai is the only thing left, at least he hopes it is.

Kai frowns. "Us?"

"Yeah, Kai. Us." Yeonjun crosses his arms over his chest. "We're a couple, remember?"

"'course I remember."

"Really? Because lately it looks like anything rather than that."

"What you talking about?"

"We barely speak lately. You don't spend time with me anymore and seem to be ignoring me whenever we're together. I can't even remember the last time we talked about something or spent the night together," Yeonjun points out, adding with a small voice, "Are you still mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you, hyung," he says, blowing the smoke onto the balcony. Yeonjun can't believe him, not when Kai doesn't even have the courage to look him in the eyes when saying that.

"Then what's going on?" Yeonjun swallows the lump that it's slowly but surely forming in his throat. "Why are you so away from me, Kai-yah?"

Kai sighs tiredly, rubbing his forehead. "There's nothing going on, hyung."

"Don't come at me with this bullshit excuse," he snorts, walking closer to Kai, still keeping a safe distance between them. "You're still mad. I can see it all over your face."

"Goddammit, I already said I'm not mad," Kai grits through his teeth, rolling his eyes. "I'm just too busy lately, that's all. I'm sorry if I—"

"Why don't you tell me the truth?" Yeonjun cuts him off, something aching in his chest over Kai refusing to tell him the truth. "Why don't you talk to me anymore? I'm still your hyung, I still want you to rely on me. I thought that when we got together there would be no more secrets between us."

"Hyung, there's no secrets between us. Why do you keep talking about the same thing over again?" Kai shakes his head, bringing the cigarette back to his lips.

"No secrets? Really?" Yeonjun scoffs. "Then how about your master's degree? What about the band break? Oh here's a better one, what about the fact that you're moving to Hong Kong next month without even telling me?"

Kai's eyes widened, his slouched posture turning into something more rigid. "How do you know that?"

"I saw the tickets, dumbass. Beomgyu also made sure to throw it in my face by saying you're leaving because I'm a son of a bitch," Yeonjun says, voice hard and impassive, mimicking the expression on his face. "No secrets my ass, you fucker."

*Hyung, I didn't think it was the best time to tell you," Kai starts, his voice shifting from aggressive to passive. "You were working hard in the album and we had that discussion over—"

"When would be the best time, Kai?" Yeonjun retorts, not letting the younger finish. "A few hours before you get on the fucking plane? The same way that the best time to tell me about the band's break was a month before it happens?"

Kai lets out a humorless laugh, smoke escaping through his lips and coming close to Yeonjun's face as the younger turns to him for the first time ever since he stepped foot in the room. This Kai looks absolutely nothing like the one Yeonjun is used to seeing, the annoyance and derisiveness turning his face into something darker and unknown.

"This argument isn't about us," Kai states, passive-aggression flooding his tone. "You're only angry about the break. Not about the tickets or the things I kept from you."

Yeonjun bites the inside of his cheek. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Hyung, you're so desperate at the idea of the band being forgotten that you're taking it out on everyone else," he adds, an incredulous expression on his face by the lack of defensiveness coming from the older. Kai pushes his hair backwards, taking a deep breath while throwing his cigarette on the balcony open door. "I can't believe that Beomgyu was right all along. You let fame get over your head, nothing else matters to you but having all those people all over you all the time." Kai points to the closed door, referring to the party going on outside, to all the people who would give anything to have a chance to talk with Yeonjun.

"That's not true," Yeonjun hisses, looking down at the beige carpet under their feet.

"It is, hyung. You're the only one who can't see it because you're blinded by fame," Kai states. His words hurt like fifty punches directly aimed at Yeonjun's gut. "You're so set on being everyone's precious rockstar that you couldn't even comply with the only wish your best friend asked for. Soobin-hyung never asked for anything in all these years, never complained or went against your wishes, even when he almost risked losing Sieun-noona. The first time he truly asks for something, you ignore it completely because your only concern is not being on the fucking spotlight all the time, hyung."

The words hurt and prickle, a thousand needles pricking through his heart. Yeonjun doesn't need to hear those words again, he doesn't want to be reminded of how his egoism and self-centeredness mind is affecting all the people he loves. He hates the person he has become, someone that fears not having all the attention he got. Even if Kai's right, Yeonjun refuses to admit defeat this easily — his pride won't let him bow his head down and take the punches.

"Shut up," he hisses again.

"Now you tell me to shut up," Kai snorts, shaking his head in disbelief, index finger pointed at Yeonjun. "You can't fool me, I know you like the back of my hand, Yeonjun-hyung. It pains me to admit, but the person in front of me right now isn't the Yeonjun-hyung I know."

"And how sure are you that you know me?" Yeonjun retorts, pushing the finger away a little aggressively.

"I used to think I did," he mumbles, defeated.

"I've always been like this, Huening Kai." Yeonjun lets rage and pride take over him. "You guys just never figured it out."

"That's a lie," Kai says, scooting a little closer to stand face to face with Yeonjun, towering over him by a few centimeters. This type of approach used to bring him comfort, but now Yeonjun only feels cowered. "Why do you keep lying, hyung?"

"Is it a lie, Kai-yah?" Yeonjun bites his tongue to prevent the words from escaping, but there's no turning back. "You keep talking about how I'm not the same but you're no different," he laughs almost manically. "I don't even know you anymore either, Kai."

1981

At the end of the night, it's Yeonjun who runs away this time. He runs out of the room and locks himself in one of the bathrooms on the second floor, almost spitting out his guts in the toilet from anxiety. He coughs while trying to calm down, heart beating so fast he almost feels it crawling up his throat, trying to free itself so it can go closer to Kai. Huening Kai, his best friend and bandmate, the boy with bright eyes and easy-going personality, the boy that makes Yeonjun's whole body shut down with the bare minimum. The gleam in Kai's eyes hunt Yeonjun when he closes his eyes, the image vividly in his thoughts.

Maybe Yeonjun lied to himself. Maybe this innocent crush isn't as easy to overcome as he thought it'd be. Maybe it isn't something as small as Yeonjun keeps pretending to be.

1981

Yeonjun never imagined that he'd be at the place where he is now: in the entrance of a large studio with security guards protecting him from a crowd of people shouting his name at the top of their lungs, anxiously waiting for him to look in their direction. The amount of Daniel he's hearing while walking close to the entrance is enough to feed his ego for at least the rest of the year. They never call him Yeonjun, that's not the name that people know him by lately — it makes him less intimidated when they're shouting Daniel and not Yeonjun, it sounds less like a scolding from his parents when he's on stage.

He waves one last time to the audience outside before setting foot in the huge building, running his hands through his big, wavy hair that needs a cut that he makes no effort to do. As much as Yeonjun feels tempted to cut, his hair is a trademark now. Most people know him as Daniel Choi from LOSER=LOVER, but those who have no idea who the band is, call him wavy haired guy with an angel voice. He doesn't care being called that initially, in the end they always call him by his name.

The record label is bigger than Yeonjun imagined it'd be. It looks gigantic compared to the small shoe-box where they recorded their first EP. Looking back now, it seems like 1979 was a long time ago, decades even instead of only two years. Never in his twenty years of living did he imagine that an EP by a local band made almost for free would result in the current sensation that is LOSER=LOVER. A band loved by young people and even adults; kids on the streets dubbing Yeonjun's voice on the radio, their five songs playing non-stop, people recognizing them when they walk on the street. If Yeonjun from the past saw the Yeonjun from nowadays, he wouldn't believe their dream is coming true — even now, he still doesn't believe it, surprise on his face every time someone stops him to ask for an autograph.

The woman at the reception greets him, showing him the way to the studio where they'll record their first LP. It's unbelievable for him to be stepping into a major label, about to record more songs because the five they already have isn't enough to fill the need of the listeners. It was sheer luck they got the chance to record at this place. Actually, their luck goes by the name of Jungkook, Soobin's infamous producer friend. He got the job on this label after scoring an amazing hit for a famous pop star, getting the label of desired producers in many magazines.

Yeonjun stops in front of the studio door, fingers tingling and stomach churning. It's a mix of anxiety and excitement to finally record something new, to still be the public's cherished vocalist, to hear his voice on the radio and have his lyrics being dedicated for loved ones. Yeonjun doesn't know if he can go back to the way he was before, a simple teenager mumbling songs silently so his parents wouldn't catch him. His parents pretend to not hear his voice everywhere, his cousins the only ones who at least like their songs and make an effort to go to concerts when they have time. It's enough support for him, he always knew his parents would never accept the path he took. It hurted at first, but now the cut is just a small scar.

"What are you doing standing here?" Beomgyu stands in front of him, one eyebrow raised as he holds the studio door open. "Get your ass inside, hyung."

He feels Beomgyu pulling him by the jacket, forcing him fully inside the studio. His stomach churns a little more, like the first time he stepped inside a recording studio in his life two years ago. This time he knows how to control his anxiety, so he doesn't end up throwing up his breakfast on the beige carpet floor. Everyone from the band is already inside, the men who handle the mixing and recording are set on the place, Jungkook is a little away talking to a bearded man — he acts like the band manager for now while they still have no one to take care of them.

"What took you so long, hyung?" Soobin asks, words muffled by the pick between his lips, tuning his guitar while sitting on a small couch in the corner.

"Did you guys see the crowd outside?" Yeonjun points out of the room with raised eyebrows, no more explanation needed for his delay.

"It was smaller before you came, hyung," Kai comments, scratching his head with one of the drumsticks. His hair still as short as ever, Yeonjun's desire to run his hands through it's still the same too.

"Looks like everyone wants a little piece of Daniel, " Beomgyu mocks, ruffling Yeonjun's hair as he walks by his side. The way he says the stage name sounds weird, he still hasn't gotten used to having his friends calling him that — even if it's a name he's sort of used to since his old friends used to call him that.

"Like they're not here to take a piece of you guys too," Yeonjun says with an eye-roll.

"I know they are," Beomgyu shrugs, picking up his bass and walking into the recording booth door. "I even got the number of a nice lady outside."

Yeonjun almost chokes up, looking surprised at the younger. It's no secret that the bass player gets the number of any woman he wants without having to ask. Something about Beomgyu's small frame and stylish appearance makes him almost a magnet for women — especially older women, and from the looks of it, that's the type of woman he wants.

They all get a lot of attention from the female audience in general, it's almost impossible to not have numbers piling up and girls throwing themselves into them when the band is getting more and more famous. Each one of them reacts to this in different ways. While Beomgyu likes to brag and indulges those old ladies to keep coming his way, Soobin says that it's more ethical to not call the numbers he gets — but everyone knows he surrenders once in a while. Yeonjun smirks and flirts shamelessly when he receives the numbers, but he never calls any of them. His womanizer image is just that, an image fabricated by him so people don't end up suspecting the truth only he knows.

And Kai… is a mystery as always. Yeonjun never sees him getting papers with phone numbers on them, even though he's one of the most handsome guys Yeonjun has ever seen. And if the younger does get something, he's likely to hide it very well for any of them to see. Kai is only here for the fun of playing and spending quality time with his friends, nothing less nothing more.

Speaking of him, Kai giggles loudly while poking Beomgyu with a drumstick while walking to the booth. "Did you really get that girl's mother number?"

"Sure," Beomgyu hums. "Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know. Maybe because she's ten years older than you," he says with a nose twitch.

Yeonjun takes his backpack off his back and quickly unzips it, pulling out his compositions written on white sheets, tossing the empty backpack into some corner and walking in quick steps to the recording booth. The other boys are getting ready to start playing, Soobin with his tuned guitar and Beomgyu with his bass strapped to him, still chatting with Kai, seated behind his big drum set. Yeonjun takes one last look at the boy before turning to the microphone — an habit he developed ever since Kai became his muse is to look at him before singing the songs to get inspiration.

He fiddles awkwardly with the sheets, almost letting them fall as he looks for the first song they're going to record. Usually, they always start with the title song it was chosen and progressively move on to others, a kind of a get-out-of-the-way thing somehow. They're always set and prepared to record the title song rather than the rest. Yeonjun pulls out the paper sheet with its crooked lyrics in relief, he almost thought he had forgotten them in the cheap motel room he's living lately near downtown. He puts the other sheets in the rack and focuses on the lyrics written, running his eyes over it to get the feeling.

"Can we start with It's Not Love, Line 3? " Jungkook asks, Yeonjun nods encouragingly.

He'd be lying if he said this isn't one of the songs he's most excited to record and have the fans listen to. He puts the headphones on his ears and takes a deep breath, shooing his anxiety away for the moment. He closes his eyes as he begins to listen to the sound of Beomgyu's bass. He's no longer Choi Yeonjun now, he's Daniel Choi, future rockstar about to record an album that will be top of the charts for months.

1987

"What?!" Yeonjun shouts, eyebrows raised as he looks at his three friends.

They're inside one of the conference rooms in the record label building, about to decide the plans for a new album since the band's reputation is only growing more and more, demanding more songs for the worldwide hit band of this century. Yeonjun sees strangers' faces more than he saw his own parents ever since he left home, he's too used to this new lifestyle to go back to how things were before.

However, Soobin's words greet the old life Yeonjun used to have, only a few steps away from becoming a reality again to the older.

"Let's take a break," Soobin repeats, with no sadness in his tone or face. It's like he's resigned beforehand, the decision tasting like a reality already.

"Take a break," Yeonjun repeats angrily, eyes not knowing on who to focus on since all three of them are in front of him with the same conformity stamped on their faces.

It dawns on Yeonjun that at that moment all of them have already accepted the idea, a decision they made without consulting him. Yeonjun feels betrayed, how could they make such an important decision without him? Like he's not part of the band anymore, like his opinion isn't important to any of them.

Soobin sighs, hands inside his pockets. "We've decided it's in everyone's best interest."

" We?" Yeonjun scoffs. "Who's we in this case? The three of you?" He points a finger to each of them, spitting out the words with all the venom he can muster.

"No need to exaggerate, hyung." Beomgyu rolls his eyes in pure annoyance, not the fake and playful one he used to show in the past. "Stop being so dramatic."

"Shut the fuck up, Beomgyu," he hisses, the anger inside him growing, a fire that would be capable of burning down this conference room, the whole building and the entire city altogether.

Saying Yeonjun is furious is an understatement. He's more than that, rage mixing with other emotions and creating the perfect timebomb. They were supposed to be a band that makes all decisions together, it has always been this way before in their journey. They talked when they signed to a major label, they talked when they started to go on tour, they even talked to decide on the goddamn setlist for their last album. Why did they decide something so big without consulting him before? A break is something that influences everybody's life, especially Yeonjun's. He has absolutely nothing but this band, he put all his youth into making LOSER=LOVER grow, becoming the precious rockstar the world came to love. All that effort is being thrown away right in front of his eyes, slipping through his fingers like sand.

"You wanna know why we didn't consult you, hyung?" Beomgyu says. "Because you'd put on a fucking dramatic show. Just like you're doing now."

"A show?" Yeonjun slams his hands on his legs hard enough to hurt. "So that's what you call when I feel angry about being left out of something important like this?"

"For God's sake, stop fighting," Soobin intervenes, huffing. "Hyung, it's just a break. It's not like we stuck a knife in your back and watched you bleed."

"It feels just the same," he says, closing his hands into fists, clenching so hard his fingernails are marking his palms in painful crescents. "Actually, a knife on my back would've hurt less than what you did."

Soobin shakes his head, trying to maintain his calmness in the moment. He knows fighting won't lead anywhere in the critical point the conversation is going. "Hyung, we were going to consult you—"

"Who brought the idea first?" Yeonjun interrupts. He doesn't want excuses and more excuses coming from his best friend's mouth, he wants to go straight to the point. Nothing he says will make them change their minds, the least he can know is who gave this idea, who wants to end the band so badly.

"I did," Kai speaks for the first time since he entered that large conference room. Hands inside his pockets as he speaks with the same calmness as when he talks to Yeonjun in the evenings they spend together.

Yeonjun looks at him, all his anger freezing for a second. "You?"

Kai only nods, turning his face away. Yeonjun feels doubly betrayed, not only his friends were making plans behind his back, but his boyfriend is hiding something as well. They promised they wouldn't hide anything from each other, it hurts a lot more than a stab to see that Kai can't even look into his eyes at this point.

"Why?" Yeonjun's voice comes out shakily, lips trembling.

Soobin sighs again. "Yeonjun-hyung, we—"

"Tell me why," he cuts in before Soobin can make more excuses. At this point he's tired of this conversation, he just wants it to end and go back to his apartment, disappear for a few days until the news finally gets out in the tabloids. "I want to know why, without excuses this time."

"Excuses?" Beomgyu snorts. "Hyung, no one is making excuses here. We want a break because we're fucking tired."

Yeonjun feels his anger burning again. "Tired of what?"

"Lack of privacy, lack of personal time, lack of everything a normal person has," Soobin replies. "Sieun and I have been together for six years now and we're engaged. I want to marry her and be by her side all the time, hyung. And I can't do that without a break. I can't just dump my fiancée and spend two years or more on the road on tours," he explains, adding in a low tone, "I can't do this to her anymore."

Yeonjun tries to be empathetic, to understand where Soobin is coming from with this. At any other time, he'd fully understand the other, giving unmeasurable support in his friend's decision. But the anger inside him blinds everything, makes him become a selfish person that only looks at himself and nothing more. Someone selfish enough to find Soobin's motive and only wish the most pathetic thing he ever heard.

"You know you can bring her with you," Yeonjun reasons. "She's been on tour with us before."

"Hyung, she wants to settle down, make a family," Soobin explains, tone becoming harsher as he has to argue about this when he thought it wouldn't be necessary. "She's not like you, she doesn't love the spotlight and people shouting her name. Do you want me to make Sieun uncomfortable just so you can keep on with your favorite rockstar life?"

"This isn't about me!" Yeonjun shouts, losing his temper.

"Do me a favor, hyung," Beomgyu butts in. "We all know you're only acting like this because you're afraid of being forgotten. This is all you ever think about, me, myself and I." Beomgyu spits, eyes blazing his own anger. "I have extraordinary news for you, Yeonjun-hyung. The world doesn't revolve around your fucking head."

Yeonjun points an accusatory finger at Beomgyu. "You have no right to use that against me when you're just like that too."

"But unlike you, I'm willing to swallow my fear and selfishness for my best friend," he retorts. "Something you clearly can't do, hyung."

"Shut up!" Yeonjun bangs his fists on the table with a loud sound, his knuckles white from how tightly closed his fists are. "Shut the fuck up, Beomgyu. You know nothing about me."

"Go wild, Yeonjun-hyung. This ain't the first time you tell me to shut the fuck up anyways," Beomgyu says scornfully. "That's why we didn't decide this with you, because you're a selfish asshole who can't see anything past your own nose. You wouldn't give up all this even for your best friend." Beomgyu moved away from the wall, one hand resting on Soobin's shoulder before he clicked his tongue. "I told you, hyung. I was right from the start. Fame has completely changed him, you more than anyone should've noticed." He walks out the door after those words, without bidding goodbye or looking one last time at Yeonjun.

Soobin sighs defeated, closing his eyes, fingers brushing against his temples. Yeonjun has never seen him with such disappointment in his face as he's showing now. It hurts, a pain Yeonjun never felt before. What hurts the most is knowing that Soobin is disappointed with him, that this look in his face is directed to him. The anger still burns, but Beomgyu’s words act as a bucket of cold water dropped over his head, calming some of the flames until the stronger ones come back.

“You could’ve told me,” Yeonjun mumbles, looking at his clenched fists. “I’d have understood. I’d never go against you, Binnie.”

“But would you accept it, hyung?” Soobin asks, looking deep at him.

Yeonjun doesn’t have an answer, neither does he want to say something that’ll please Soobin. Yeonjun doesn’t want to look like a good friend, he wants to be one. The ugly truth that all of them can see is that he wouldn’t accept it, he wouldn’t be able to put all this aside. Yeonjun would completely support and understand Soobin, he knows that deep in his heart, but whether he’d accept it is too unpredictable.

He notices at that moment how he changed drastically. Sixteen-years-old Yeonjun wouldn’t hesitate to agree to Soobin’s request. Yeonjun has strayed so far from the person who he used to be, a boy who never feared lying to his parents only to sing in his best friend’s band and accomplish their dreams. Yeonjun became a bad friend, a person that deserves nothing but the cold gaze Soobin is throwing his way. He feels disgusted with himself, but there’s no time to dwell with it right now. He stores this feeling for later when he’s by himself in the dead of night.

“That’s what I thought,” Soobin shakes his head, laughing disbelievingly as he rises from his chair without giving a second look to Yeonjun. “The Yeonjun-hyung I know would have accepted without a second thought. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore, hyung.”

1983

“Of you with that girl,” Yeonjun admits, suddenly feeling brave enough to shine a light on the truth. “You were laughing and she was looking at you like she had won the lottery. I wanted to be in her shoes so much. I wanted to make you laugh and—”

“But you make me laugh, hyung,” Kai cuts him off, a frown on his boyish features. “You make me laugh all the time, way more than she did tonight.”

“It’s not like that, Kai-yah.”

“Tell me then.”

“I don’t want you to laugh at my jokes or anything like that because we’re friends, Hyuka,” he chuckles bitterly. “I want you to laugh at my flirts while I think about whether they work or not. I want to spend the night hitting on you at a party and then get you on the dance floor because finally you agreed to dance with me. I want to spend the whole night dancing with you, and wonder if in the end you’ll give me a chance to take you back to my hotel room.”

Kai swallows. “Yeonjun-hyung—”

“But I can’t do any of that,” he continues. “I get angry and jealous of anyone who can do that to you, I can’t help it.”

“You can do all those things,” Kai says, his posture no longer slouched as before.

Yeonjun senses that this conversation won’t go down a nice path, but he’s already halfway there and there’s no going back now. The bridge he’s walking through is broken on the steps he took, he can only go forward.

“No, Kai-yah,” he reasons, sighing defeatedly. “I can’t do anything like this without a huge scandal breaking out and all our hard work going down the drain. I can’t be that selfish. I can’t put my feelings above yours, Soobin and Beomgyu’s.”

Kai stands up, staying in the same place. “You can put your feelings above for once. No one will call you selfish, hyung.”

“None of them know, Kai.” Yeonjun mumbles, brushing his fingers over his eyebrows. “It’s not that easy. I can’t risk things like this. I can’t have all the things I want without my wish bringing people down.”

“Nobody can get all the things they want, Yeonjun-hyung.”

“You know what’s the worst of this? I don’t want all the things,” Yeonjun complains. “I only want one thing. The thing I can never have.”

“What do you want, hyung?” Kai asks in a soft whisper.

“A kiss. From you.” Yeonjun bites his tongue, that doesn’t stop him from keeping saying the things that've been on his mind for quite a while. “A real kiss. One that you won’t run away after giving me.”

The silence between them makes Yeonjun’s heart pound louder, a deafening sound in his eardrums. Something tells him that he has screwed up, flushed his friendship with Kai down the toilet without feeling any kind of remorse. Maybe he read it wrong from the very beginning, maybe Kai doesn’t even remember a kiss from almost years ago, maybe Yeonjun is the only one who’s still attached to a memory that should’ve been erased and forgotten long ago. Kai has never given any other signs of feeling the same way, or even feeling anything for Yeonjun rather than admiration for his hyung.

Yeonjun really is reading between lines that doesn’t even exist.

1990

“Now, moving on from LOSER=LOVER hits, let’s talk a little about Daniel’s solo releases,” the interviewer announces as soon as the song ends, looking back at Yeonjun before continuing, “And I have to say that you’re doing a splendid job with your solo works.”

“Thank you very much,” Yeonjun says, flashing a grateful smile at the woman.

After almost three years in a solo career, Yeonjun still doesn’t know how his friends feel about it. Receiving compliments while they’re somewhere in that room listening to it, brings a strange feeling in his stomach — curiosity, fear, anxiety, all mixed and bottled up inside him like a deadly concoction. He risks taking a quick glance at the glass, but there’s no one staring at him. It’s been a while since Kai appeared. Yeonjun wonders if he has left, if the others have left together with him.

Yeonjun should’ve patched up this situation early, but the time and opportunity never came. He doesn’t think a simple talk over a phone call would make their friendship magically go back to what it was before. Things will never be like they were, maybe that’s why he never tried to contact any of them until that moment.

“Before I talk about your latest song and close our special interview,” the woman says, drawing Yeonjun’s attention back to the studio. “I’d like to thank you for accepting our call, as well as the other band members who chose not to actively participate in this interview. It’s a shame, but it was really nice to have you all here with us.”

“I appreciate the invitation, and I’m sure the others feel just the same,” Yeonjun says, throat being scratched by a thousand claws as he pushes the words out. “It was nice to see them all again, to remember good times throughout our band’s career.”

“Since plans for a LOSER=LOVER reunion are still a mystery, how about we talk about plans for your solo career?” she asks, fiddling with the papers. ‘Your first LP is a great success, as your first EP that’s still on the top charts. A bird told me you have plans for a future tour, is that true?”

“That’s right,” he nods, taking a sip of water, hoping the feeling in his throat and stomach will subside. “We don’t have any dates set yet, but a small tour is likely to happen with the release of my next album.”

“Plans for a next album already?” The interviewer says, excitedly.

“Not only plans. The album is in the first steps of being produced,” he comments. “I can’t promise it’ll be out any time soon, but I’ll try my best to deliver something of good quality for my listeners.”

“You can be sure that’s not something difficult coming from you,” she jokes. “Any spoilers on what we can expect from this new album?”

“To be sincere, nothing too different from before,” he chuckles at his own misery that no one knows. “I’m unfortunately someone rather predictable when it comes to compositions, don’t you think?”

“Not at all! You’re someone incredibly diverse, Daniel. The proof is all the different compositions you’ve done over the years,” she compliments, smiling. She gives Yeonjun the same vibe his younger cousin used to give him. “I’m sure we should expect a variety of styles on this new album, right?”

“Absolutely,” he grins. “Something very experimental when it comes to sounds. I want to try bringing back the same style LOSER=LOVER followed on the first EP.”

“I’m looking forward to it already!” She claps her hands together in delight. “While we still don’t have this new masterpiece at hands, let’s talk a little about your last song for tonight. Unfortunately, we won’t have much time for it, but it’s not like we need much explanation. Swallowing Feelings from Daniel’s first solo EP, How Can You Mend a Broken Heart, released in 1988.”

Yeonjun claps his hands together with the interviewer, before speaking into the microphone. “You’re right, there isn’t much explanation when it comes to this one. Just another song about heartbreak and self-indulgence, like everything on that album,” he snorts. “It was a moment for me to realize mistakes I made in the past and understand them better. No secret meaning or anything. I wanted to come clean, make everything as visible as possible. I wanted to show who I really am.”

“It’s amazing to hear you talk about the artistic process and the feelings behind the lyrics,” she says, talking to Yeonjun like she’s forgotten that she’s in the middle of a radio interview with several people listening. “I could spend hours listening to you talk, but we’re running out of time unfortunately.”

“It’s a shame,” Yeonjun says sincerely. “It was one of the best interviews I’ve ever been on.”

“I’m honored to hear that!” The woman giggles. “Before we wrap up for today, I want to thank you and the members of LOSER=LOVER once again for coming here, and also our listeners for sending their favorite songs. For now, stick with Swallowing Feelings and Dreamlike from Daniel. See you all next time!”

With that, the interview is officially finished, music begins to play as the microphones are turned off and the woman in front of him takes off her headphones. Yeonjun does the same, slightly stunned that everything is over. The woman gets up from her chair, stretching and saying something that Yeonjun doesn’t pay attention to. He gets up as well, his feet begging to be somewhere else as he makes small talk with the woman. His feet want to get out of that room, run to where his friends are waiting — that is, if they’re still in the building waiting for him.

“You seem to be wanting to go somewhere else,” she says, finally getting his attention back.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, putting his hands in his pockets and rocking back and forth on his heels. He smiles sheepishly, nodding slightly. “I have something to take care of.”

“It’s no biggie,” she smiles back. “I’m sure you also want to talk to your friends before they leave.”

“I think I have a few things to sort out yet,” he mumbles again, shaking his head. “I’d love to stay and chat with you, you seem like a great person to talk to. Maybe sometime we can have that,” he winks, taking the woman’s hand for a handshake before walking through the door, briskly passing through the halls.

His friends are nowhere to be found, Yeonjun can’t focus on anything other than finding them. He needs to apologize for his mistakes, he needs to fix the things he broke even if there’s no salvage. This is the only chance he’ll get before courage fades and he has to wait until everyone is old and his memory is faulty. He waves and greets the radio staff briefly, almost running out of the studio towards the parking lot, hoping some of them are still there.

He stops in the large parking lot, squinting his eyes as he looks for something in the crowded space. He has no idea how he’s going to find any of his friends, now that he’s here, it didn’t seem like a good idea to run out like a desperate man looking for nothing. Maybe they’re already gone, Yeonjun has spent too much time thinking that they’d stay this long in the waiting room, waiting for him to come to them.

After all, what reason do any of them have to stay when Yeonjun himself abandoned them years ago?

1979

Yeonjun stares at the radio next to him, the music pushing its way into his ears but his head not quite understanding what he's hearing. It's his voice singing the lyrics that he composed over the melody Beomgyu and Kai made, he can even make out Soobin's adlibs in the chorus. Even if he knows the voices, his head still can't believe what he's hearing, what is playing on the old radio on top of the counter in the convenience store he works at, the other boys equally staring at it in the same confused and surprised way.

"Is that…?" Soobin tries, but falls silent as the chorus plays again.

"Yes, hyung." Beomgyu pats the boy's shoulder twice, taking the lollipop out of his mouth. " Diving in the Moonlight . Our song."

Yeonjun is so taken aback by hearing the song, he can't do anything other than open and close his mouth for the nth time, gaze fleeting between the radio and his friends. If there's one thing he never imagined he'd be alive to witness, it's a song sung by him playing on a local radio station for everyone in their town to hear. Yeonjun feels a pang in his stomach at the possibility of someone recognizing his voice — of his parents listening to any station other than the gospel one they usually do and finding out their child is singing in a band. Right now, he pushes this feeling aside, too excited to worry about that.

It's been a month since they recorded their first EP thanks to Soobin's friend, who didn't charge them anything beyond the initial price and praised most of the band's composition — "Potential. Lots of potential. You guys could be a big thing in the future," he said once the recording was finished, and that gave Yeonjun's ego a boost that he never knew he needed. Yeonjun felt proud when he showed his songs, but nervousness attacked him in moments like this, when he entered the studio and stared at all the equipment he had never seen before. That moment meant something real, a first step for the band to become something more than covers in pubs and rehearsals in Kai's garage.

Yeonjun sang all five songs as if his life depended on it, pretending not to be nervous and wiping his palms on his pants with each recording. For someone who only used to sing in the shower when no one's home and mumble lyrics secretly, he did pretty well according to Jungkook's words, ruffling his hair as Yeonjun took in a deep breath of air from outside the studio. "You have potential to be a great vocalist, Yeonjun-ssi." he said, before lighting a cigarette and going somewhere else.

As the song comes to an end and the station host says the name and the band, the four boys exchange glances at each other. None of them has spoken a word since Beomgyu reply to Soobin in the first chorus, listening to the song on the radio and enjoying the moment that seems like a collective dream. Yeonjun presses the button to turn off the radio as a famous pop song starts to play, plunging them into the silence of a convenience store in the late afternoon.

Yeonjun looks at Soobin, who's about to tear up; Beomgyu chews on his lollipop nervously and Kai looks… he can't tell. Huening Kai, while clear as water inside a glass, is indecipherable when he wants to be. Yeonjun can't tell if he's unresponsive or elated inside like the others are outside.

"Our song," Yeonjun gapes. "Our song just played on the local radio. The same radio that everyone around here listens to." He can barely string words together to form a decent sentence, sounding like a child repeating words taught to them.

"That's what it sounds like." Beomgyu sounds amused, biting the white toothpick from his lollipop that he picked up without paying — as he always does.

"Our band on the local station," Soobin mumbles, the situation still not believable enough for him. Yeonjun completely understands his reaction, he too can't believe he just heard his voice on the radio a few minutes ago.

"LOSER=LOVER on the radio!" Kai shouts abruptly, raising his arms in excitement.

He wraps Soobin and Beomgyu in a bear hug as he jumps around excitedly, celebrating like this is the equivalent of earning a prize. The two wrapped in a hug seem to be digesting the situation still, when things finally fall into place, they celebrate too with loud shouts and hysterical laughter, making a huge commotion inside the store. Yeonjun watches from behind the counter, smiling softly at his friends. He has never seen them so happy, bright-eyed and laughing joyfully, moving back and forth like ragdolls under Kai's arms.

Yeonjun never thought that happiness could take the form of his band's song playing on the radio and having his best friends celebrating at the store he works at a few hours before his shift ends. Yeonjun couldn't ask for happiness to take any other form than that.

"Come here, our vocalist hyung!" Kai calls out, motioning with his hands for Yeonjun to join their small celebration. Beomgyu and Soobin are no longer immobilized by the bear hug, they're only swaying and jumping to a non-existent song, talking excitedly about when the song will play again on the radio.

Kai's arms are wide open, more inviting than they should be in Yeonjun's opinion. There's a big smile on his lips, all teeth showing and eyes almost closing, the embodiment of joy calling Yeonjun to immerse himself in such happiness. Yeonjun hesitates for a second, thinking to himself that it might not be the wisest option for him to fall into Kai's arms when his crush is still inside him. It's only a tiny spark now, but Yeonjun knows that a spark can turn into a flame that could cause a whole fire.

Yeonjun isn't someone prudent, never will be in his whole life, so he steps out from behind the counter and leaps toward the open arms, laughing as his feet leave the ground when Kai spins him around. Everyone hugs again and celebrates as if they had won the lottery. This might not be the best time to make such a fuss — especially since Yeonjun's boss looks through the CCTV every night before closing — but he doesn't mind.

The song he wrote has played on the radio. Sung in his voice, with the band he's part of. Yeonjung couldn't be happier.

"You know hyung," Beomgyu starts amidst Soobin's loud and obnoxious singing as he walks to the refrigerators in the back of the store to grab a soda without paying, as he always does — Beomgyu and Soobin each have things they get in the store without paying, best friend discount they call it. "Maybe your disgustingly romantic lyrics aren't that bad."

Yeonjun rolls his eyes, nudging the boy's head lightly. "I told you they had potential, dipshit."

"Sorry 'bout that day, hyung," he mumbles apologetically, chewing the toothpick of his lemon lollipop again. Yeonjun hates lemon lollipops, doesn't even know there could be anyone in the whole world who likes this flavor.

"It's chill, Beoms," Yeonjun says, feeling embarrassed. Emotional conversations aren't his forte at all, and it sounds like it's not Beomgyu's forte either. 

"Thank god," he sighs in relief afterwards, leaning a hand on the older's shoulders. "I thought I'd have to pretend that your lyrics aren't mushy, hyung."

Both giggle together when Yeonjun flicks the younger's head. Soobin comes back to them bringing four cans of soda that Yeonjun knows neither of them will pay for, another thing that will be cruelly deducted from his low payment. Soobin hands each of them a can, opening and lifting in the air, pretending it's a glass full of fancy champagne. Yeonjun snorts, opening his can and doing the same.

"To our band, and our song playing on the radio for the first time," Soobin says, clicking each can with his. "Let's hope we're not a one-hit band."

"With my melodies? That will never happen with our band, hyung," Beomgyu boasts, taking a sip of his soda and grimacing. It's cherry flavored, Beomgyu hates cherry soda.

"Gyu-yah, you're not the only one working on the instrumental," Soobin complains, pouting in his childish fashion.

"Yeah, Gyu," Kai says after taking a long swig from his can. "You didn't even work on the instrumentals for Diving In the Moonlight. I was the one who should get all the credits."

Yeonjun stares at him, eyes widened. He had no idea that Kai was the one that did the instrumental for this song. To be sincere, Yeonjun doesn't collaborate in the instrumentals as much as he should; he can play keyboard and guitar, but not that well to be put in a song. He tries his best in the band by giving them the lyrics and his voice, the rest is all in the others' hands. Knowing that Kai has given life to a song that was blatantly written for him makes Yeonjun feel ashamed. His cheeks burn at the thought of Kai reading the lyrics and not suspecting anything.

"Actually, Yeonjun-hyung is the one that should get all the credits," he hears Beomgyu saying, not paying close attention to it.

"Huh?" Yeonjun blinks.

"If it weren't for your sickly sugary lyrics, this song wouldn't exist," Beomgyu explains. "So here's to you, or whatever."

Soobin and Kai both clink their cans with Yeonjun’s. Something inside him warms up under the smiles and the fact that Beomgyu complimented him, in his own way. He takes a sip of his soda, smiling back at the boys, watching as a silly argument starts between them because Beomgyu didn’t complimented Soobin’s lyrics too — Soobin’s lyrics aren’t bad per se, but they never match the concept they have for the band so they only use a few, even Soobin knows the lyrics are quite nonsensical sometimes.

“If we keep making music like this, we’ll have a great collection of wedding songs,” Beomgyu mocks, bursting into laughter when he sees Yeonjun looking at him with narrowed eyes. The lyrics are a little bit honeyed and a mirror of his innocent feelings, but Yeonjun doesn’t need to be reminded of that all the time.

“Wedding songs are cool too,” Kai muses. “My cousin plans to get married some years from now. Maybe we can play at her wedding.”

“Well, let’s hope Yeonjun-hyung stays in love until then so we can have even more romantic songs,” Beomgyu jokes again, drinking his soda and grimacing, he probably had forgotten the taste.

“In love?!” Yeonjun and Kai speak at the same time, looking surprised at each other when they realize. Yeonjun looks away to take an overly long sip from his soda, while Kai keeps looking at him. Beomgyu only shrugs, pulling another lollipop from his pocket and going back to talk with Soobin about a topic that matters nothing to Yeonjun.

Is it so obvious that he’s in love with someone? Worst of all, is it so obvious that this someone is a boy with short hair that plays drums in their band?

1979

“Do your parents know, hyung?” Kai asks abruptly, voice filling the silence between them.

“About what?” Yeonjun asks, hoping it’s not about what he's imagining. He feels panic chewing on his insides, eyes widening as he looks at the boy beside him.

If my parents know I’m gay? That I’m in love with a boy? That I’m a disappointment and they’ll hate me for the rest of their lives if they find out? That I’m a lead singer in a band that they don’t even know I’m in? So many questions, Kai should be more specific with what he wants to know.

“About the band,” he says. “About our EP.”

Yeonjun would be lying if he said that the sigh that left him wasn’t from relief. Being in the band isn’t equally terrifying to tell to his parents, but it’s way easier than coming clean about his sexuality. On a scale of fears, Yeonjun would say that telling people that he’s in a band and that they have an EP released — and that he did all this in hiding while saying he was studying with his friends — is a six point five. Telling people that he’s day and that he’s coincidentally in love with his friend and bandmate is a solid ten.

Something no one knows is that he keeps the EP, which was given to him by the record label, inside his shirt drawer, covering the vinyl with all the clothes he can fit inside to avoid being caught by his mother — she still folds and stores his clothes in her spare time. His parents have absolutely no idea that he’s the vocalist of a band. Now that the song is playing on the radio, with the probability of some of them recognizing his voice if they accidentally hear it, he knows that he’ll have to come clean about this at some point.

For now, he can avoid it and not risk it since the boys in the EP cover don't look like them, since neither Yeonjun nor Soobin could be recognized. Thanks to Beomgyu and his psychedelic drawings, the cover of their first EP is four kids with beehives in place of their heads on a colorful background. He has to congratulate Beomgyu for it, he really put his mind to do a job worthy of an amazing band like theirs.

“No,” he replies after a long moment of silence between them. “What about yours?”

“My parents are okay with it,” Kai hums. “As long as I go to college when school ends, I could even sell cocaine and become a drunkard that it wouldn’t make a difference to them.”

“Sounds practical,” Yeonjun comments, scrunching his nose. “Do you already know what you’re going to do?”

“Quantum physics,” he replies proudly.

“Quantum physics,” Yeonjun repeats with raised eyebrows. He never imagined that Kai would be a big enthusiast when it comes to physics in general. Kai is smart enough to make anyone feel like an idiot when he starts explaining about formulas and electrodynamics as if it’s something easy. “I didn’t know that was your thing, Kai-yah.”

“Everyone says that,” Kai mumbles, sounding crestfallen. “Do I look so stupid that I wouldn’t be able to study that in college, hyung?”

“Not at all.” Yeonjun stops his pacing, gripping the boy’s shoulders tightly. “You’re so smart that it’d be dumb of you to not do something like that in college, Hyuka. It’s just… I thought you were into something more music related.”

“You think I’m smart, hyung?” Kai looks at him in surprise, making Yeonjun drop his grip on his shoulders and hold the straps of his own backpack, turning forward and going back to walking, head down so Kai can’t see the blush tinting his cheeks.

“Yeah,” he hums.

“You’re not the first one to say that to me, but it’s nice to hear it coming from you.” Yeonjun can almost feel the wide smile coming from Kai’s voice only. “It means a lot to me, hyung.”

They’re on Yeonjun’s street, Soobin’s house closer to them since it’s only three houses before Yeonjun’s. A few streets back the conversation between them came to an end, the rest of the walk there made in complete silence — scratches on the back of head coming from Kai’s part and sneaky glances in his direction coming from Yeonjun. They probably look weird from an outside point of view, like two strangers going out together for the first time; that’s technically true. As much as they’re together in the band all the time, their friendship isn’t the same as Yeonjun’s with Soobin or Kai’s with Beomgyu.

They’re forever stuck in a stage where they’re friends but have no idea how to move around each other.

When Yeonjun stops near the gate of his house, he feels that the moment is over too soon for his liking. Questions are still stuck in his throat, he doesn’t want to say goodbye to Kai without asking at least one of them. Yeonjun promises himself that he won’t fill the other with so many questions, for now he only wants to know why Kai waited and accompanied him even though he lives on the other side of town. Kai is standing face to face with him, looking equally hesitant — maybe he too wants to ask the question that will define their friendship from now on.

“Can I ask you something?” Yeonjun blurts out, voice low as a whisper.

Now that he has the chance to speak, the words don’t have the same force and impatience from before. He holds himself back from slapping his forehead, the perpetual sensation of feeling like an idiot.

“Yeah,” Kai hums encouragingly. “But only if I can ask something too, hyung.”

Yeonjun nods, motion too stiff. “Wanna go first?”

Kai shakes his head. “You can go first, hyung.”

“Why did you wait for me? Why did you come all the way here with me?”

“That’s two questions,” he remarks, chuckling.

“Two questions that have only one answer, so it still counts,” Yeonjun retorts.

“Maybe,” he says, scratching his arm. He looks nervous, gripping the handlebars of his bike with the other hand. “I waited because I wanted to ask you something, but I couldn’t at that moment. Then, I walked you here to see if I could ask you along the way, but I couldn’t do it again. Now, I’m here wondering if I’ll get the courage to ask hyung what’s been on my mind since early.”

Kai speaks so fast he gets lost in between the words, sounding like someone totally different from who Yeonjun knows. The boy in front of him isn’t the indecipherable and playful Huening Kai that everyone is used to seeing everyday. This is a one in a million occurence of Kai showing his nervous and shy persona, the babbling type that can’t think his words clearly so he just speaks everything that’s inside his mind without caring if it makes sense or not.

This is Yeonjun’s favorite side coming from Kai.

“Kai-yah, are you about to tell me something bad?” Yeonjun ventures, looking up at the younger. Kai used to be shorter until he had a growth spur in the beginning of the year, now Yeonjun has to raise his head and look up if he wants to stare into the other’s eyes.

Kai fiddles with the handlebar. “Depends on what you classify as bad, hyung.”

“Well, it doesn't matter how bad it is because now you have to tell me, Kai-yah. I’m a curious person so you better pluck up the courage or else I’ll stay up all night thinking about it.” Yeonjun points a finger at Kai, raising an eyebrow and adding in a playful manner, “You want to be the culprit of my bad night’s sleep?”

“No, hyung,” he replies, shaking his head cutely.

Yeonjun chuckles, hoping his reaction will ease up the tension in the boy. It works perfectly, the hand gripping the handlebar loosens and Kai looks visually more relaxed around him again. Yeonjun listens to him take a deep breath, exhaling sharply before opening his eyes and looking so deep into Yeonjun that it makes the older a little uncomfortable. Something about having Kai look so deep into him makes the spark inside ignite enough to turn into a destroyer flame.

“Hyung, are you in love with someone?” Kai asks, voice low and eyes worryingly serious.

It’s not an innocent question, it’s a desperate way to know the truth. Yeonjun doesn’t have the answer because he has never thought too much about it. It’s a difficult question, with answers that can vary depending only on Yeonjun’s choice. If he says yes, Kai might ask who and he’d have to lie and say it’s some of his cousin's friends or whatever. If he says no, Kai might get suspicious of his blatant lie when it’s clear that he at least likes someone enough to write silly love songs.

Yeonjun’s best option is to pretend, and that’s what he does.

He frowns. “Huh?”

“Are you in love with someone?” Kai repeats the question, with a little less seriousness. “Really in love, you know?”

“Is there a way to not be really in love with someone, Kai-yah?” He jokes, forcing a laugh to make it more real.

Kai scratches the back of his head again, looking at Yeonjun’s old shoes instead of his face, mumbling to himself. “So you are in love, hyung.”

“What?” Yeonjun gasps, he could even fool his parents with his acting. “No. I’m not in love, Kai-yah. Who the hell told you that?”

“Beomgyu,” he says, rocking back and forth on his foot. “Earlier today, when he said you should get credits for the lyrics you’ve been doing.”

“Beomgyu was joking. C’mon, Kai-yah, you know it was a joke,” he chuckles, leaning his hand against the boy’s shoulder before realizing it’s not a good idea and putting it back inside his jacket pocket.

“How stupid of me to come all the way here to ask you this,” Kai mumbles again, slapping his forehead lightly. “I should’ve known it was only a joke,” he whispers to himself, loud enough for Yeonjun to hear and feel slightly bad for lying to him.

“Don’t worry about it,” Yeonjun assures. “The company was nice and the road seemed shorter as we talked the whole time.”

“At least something good came of it, hyung,” he lets out an embarrassed chuckle.

The mood is in a type of awkwardness that Yeonjun never found himself in before. He feels like turning around and going inside the house without saying anything or bidding goodbye, eager to pretend this part of their conversation never happened. The only good thing is that he managed to hide his feelings well enough for Kai to not suspect it anytime soon. The bad thing is that now there’s only awkwardness left between them — back to stage one, Yeonjun sighs.

“See you at rehearsal?” Yeonjun says when the silence starts to make him uneasy, taking a few steps back so he can sprint to his house the moment Kai says something.

“Yeah. See you there, hyung,” Kai says absent-mindedly, nodding.

Yeonjun nods too, but he doubts Kai has noticed from the way he’s staring at the ground with slightly furrowed eyebrows. Yeonjun scrunches his nose and turns back to walk to the door, taking calm steps so as to not look like he’s running away from an extremely shameful moment. He visibly breathes out in relief when the door is getting nearer, the path to his freedom of almost having his crush knowing about the feeling he nurtures for him. Overall, it wasn’t so bad. He managed to handle the situation without giving himself away, the problem is partially solved and he can still keep his crush without anyone noticing — but that’s only if he starts to hide it a little better, something he keeps in mind to work into starting from tomorrow.

He hears Kai calling his name when he’s only two steps from the door, turning around to look at him but all he sees is a face near his. He feels hands cradle his face and soft lips press against his in a gentle manner. It lasts no more than a few seconds, but Yeonjun freezes and everything feels like hours with Kai’s lips against his. 

Huening Kai is kissing him. Not a kiss per se, only a peck, but that’s technically considered a kiss in Yeonjun’s single and gay dictionary. Kai has his face close to his, hands softly stroking his jaw, kissing his mouth with trembling lips. Nothing in this feels real to him, he’s having the same reaction as when he heard his voice playing on the radio earlier. Huening Kai is kissing him, his first and real love taking his first kiss in the most casual and unceremonious way.

Huening Kai is kissing me.

Before he can properly react and do something to make the moment count and last, Kai is pulling away and running towards his bicycle, disappearing down the street in a blink of an eye. He leaves so fast that Yeonjun couldn’t even see his shadow under the streetlights, blinking dazedly as he looks at nowhere in question. He remains frozen near the door, running his index finger over his lips, where Kai’s lips were pressed against it seconds ago.

The spark is now a flame that Yeonjun can no longer put out.

1991

Yeonjun never imagined it’d come a time in his life when he’d get tired of fame. This has always been everything to him since he was twenty, when the band took its first steps towards becoming the phenomenon they are today. Fame has always been all that Yeonjun was proud to have, along with his compositions and a band made with his best friends. In the past, being the center of attention was so invigorating and refreshing, everything that Yeonjun needed in his days. Attention, love, applause, ego being easily stroked with the whole world showering him in praises on radio and television; all that Yeonjun needed was this.

Now, it brings him no joy, no warm feeling whenever someone says something nice about him. Yeonjun feels like laughing as he looks at his reflection in the dirty mirror of the bathroom. For an expensive manor, it doesn’t seem worth the price his record label paid to host this party, judging by the deplorable state of the bathroom — he only feels this way because he’s tired of doing this, the people in this party are of no interest to him. The eyeliner in his eyelids is still impeccable, that’s the only thing that matters besides pretending to have a good time tonight.

Unfortunately, not even a party is managing to get the boredom out of him. He remembers getting so excited and euphoric at album release parties in the past. Time really makes things you used to like get boring and boring. Even for rockstar Yeonjun, who’s dodging bodies and smiling as handsomely as possible, this is the most boring thing he ever had to do. He runs away from anyone who wants to exchange more than five words with him, no mood for conversations tonight. In fact, he’s not in the mood to stay in this place, but it’s a sacrifice he’s going to make for his label.

“You look like you’re having a great time, Yeonjun-ah.” Someone says from behind him, the familiar voice catching his attention immediately.

Yeonjun doesn’t have to turn around to know who the voice belongs to. Irene stops next to him in the stairs, long black hair and a two-piece ensemble identical to what female lawyers wear in television sitcoms. Sometimes Yeonjun wonders if she chooses to dress like this because it makes her look more intimidating or if she only has these types of clothes in her closet. She’s holding a glass filled with coffee instead of whatever alcoholic beverage the bar decided to hand out to guests. Yeonjun isn’t drinking tonight, he knows the excitement alcohol brings is only fleeting.

“Is it that obvious, noona?” Yeonjun huffs.

“My dearest, it looks like you’re at a funeral instead of a party,” she says, politely offering her glass. Yeonjun denies in the same politeness, not an enjoyer of Irene’s black coffee, especially at night.

“I’m at a hypothetical funeral, noona,” he says, lowering his head in faux sadness. “We’re mourning my excitement which sadly parted years ago,” he jokes, no humor in the laugh he lets out.

Irene clicks her tongue. “Don’t be so grumpy. You’re thirty Yeonjun, not seventy.”

“Noona, the problem isn’t my age. Or the party, or the teenagers doing cocaine in the bath—”

“Wait, there’s teenagers at the party?” Irene cuts him off, her face a mix of surprise and anger at the same time.

“That’s completely out of the point,” Yeonjun snorts, rubbing his forehead. “Actually, I don’t even know what the point is.”

“If you don’t know, how am I supposed to know?”

“You’re my manager, noona. It’s part of your job to know all things about me.”

Irene rolls her eyes. “Yeonjun, I know I do a marvelous job at reading people, but I don’t have the power to read their minds.”

Yeonjun exhales, so deeply that Irene realizes that something is very wrong. Even though he’s quite vocal with his complaints, never hesitating to say when something pleases him or not, Yeonjun isn’t one to vocalize his true feelings. Irene has been working with him for two years now, the only manager that Yeonjun wanted after the band’s manager decided to retire. Irene is a nice manager, she praises Yeonjun when he does things right and scolds him in his wrongs. They treat each other as friends rather than manager and artist, but there are things that she still doesn’t know and doesn’t understand when it comes to him.

He glances around the crowd dancing, searching for any familiar faces as he used to do at LOSER=LOVER’s album release parties. Yeonjun doesn’t expect to run into Soobin, Sieun or Beomgyu, he just likes to daydream about the possibility of one of them sneaking up in the party to see him. They still keep in touch ever since last year’s interview, Yeonjun had lunch with Beomgyu and Terry — Taehyun, he said when he introduced himself to Yeonjun before starting a long conversation about music composition. Things are better between him and his friends, but an unfillable void remains in his chest. A void he knows he brought to himself, so he has no reason to complain about it.

For a minute, Yeonjun thinks he's hallucinating when he recognizes one of the faces standing in the doorway. Maybe the lack of excitement is starting to get into his head and making him see people who aren't there with him. Huening Kai shouldn't be here, Huening Kai isn't here. Yeonjun repeats several times, heart beating faster and hands clammy, whole body freezing as he stares at the man.

No matter how much he keeps saying otherwise, Kai is there. He's there, in casual clothes with an autographed copy of Yeonjun's new album — they're giving that to everyone, you can literally grab how many you want. Kai seems to notice the eyes watching his every move, as he turns and looks at where Yeonjun is standing.

Time stops for seconds, maybe minutes, it could be hours to Yeonjun. Everything around him moves in slow motion, like in those romance movies he liked to watch when he was younger. This is the moment when lovers meet again, the world spinning in its axis and aligning to make them be together again.

They stare at each other until Yeonjun feels Irene's hand resting on his shoulder, shaking it lightly as she says something he can't understand. The only thing he pays attention to is Kai's figure. He fears that the other's going to disappear if he looks away, being a hallucination or not.

"What?" Yeonjun asks with a hint of annoyance, not taking his eyes off Kai.

"I asked if you're okay, Yeonjun-ah," she repeats, worried, making him feel bad for ignoring her this whole time.

He nods, turning quickly to her. "Yeah, yeah. Totally fine, better impossible."

"That means you're not fine at all," Irene scoffs.

He turns back to the crowd again, eyes scanning the large space, searching once again for Kai. He's farther away, back to where Yeonjun is, about to walk out the door. Yeonjun's heart is sinking, he doesn't want to watch Kais leaving him once again, but he can't stop his eyes to follow the man, hoping he'll look back and see that Yeonjun has his full attention on him again. Kai does turn around, one step out of the house, and motions for Yeonjun to follow him. It's fast enough that no one else would be able to see except for him.

"Actually, I'm not feeling that well, noona," he admits uneasily. He desperately wants to follow Kai, doesn't want him to leave thinking that Yeonjun didn't try to go after him. But he can't just walk out the door like that, not when Irene is sporting that suspicious look on her face.

"Do you need anything?" She asks, one eyebrow still raised in suspicion.

"I think I'm going home, noona," he replies, heading downstairs before Irene can grab him and demand to drive him home like she usually does. "I'll be fine tomorrow for the interviews. Don't worry too much, noona. I'll call you if I need anything else. Enjoy the party, drink something other than this shitty coffee."

1987

It hurts, far more than any bruise or pain anyone could inflict on Yeonjun’s body. It hurts even more when Soobin runs his finger over the engagement ring he noticed on the younger’s fingers a few months from now. Soobin sighs in defeat one last time and walks out the door without looking at Yeonjun — the same way Beomgyu did minutes ago.

Things shouldn’t take this turn, shouldn’t end this way. Yeonjun feels the weight of guilt on his shoulders, but he handles them in order to deal with another heavy weight.

Kai stays seated in one of the chairs, looking thoughtful at the large window of the conference room. Kai has certainly accepted Soobin’s reason without hesitation, but he has his own reasons to want the band’s break. Yeonjun can sense there’s something more than Soobin wanting to start a family, something that Kai probably has been hiding for a while now.

“And you?” Yeonjun asks. “What’s your reason?”

“I want to get a master’s degree,” Kai replies, not taking his eyes from the window. Yeonjun almost feels like getting up and walking over to where he is just to make him look into his eyes as he speaks.

“A master’s degree,” he gapes. He’s not that surprised to know this, Kai is the only one in the band who decided to continue his studies after high school. He genuinely loves to study, loves the major he chose even if he’ll never get the chance to work with it. Yeonjun isn’t surprised to know his reason, but betrayal feeds on the unprotected spots in his head and heart.

“I’ve already applied to it, I only have a month left. I can’t waste any more time if I want to do it,” Kai continues, turning around and finally looking Yeonjun in the eye. Something in his gaze is different, he doesn’t feel the same warmth as usual. There’s only coldness, a coldness Yeonjun isn’t used to coming from his boyfriend. “I can’t keep studying and playing in the band at the same time. I need this break, the same way Soobin-hyung needs it too. We both know you wouldn’t give it up, but it didn’t hurt to try.”

“It’s not about me giving up, Kai-yah,” Yeonjun stresses, running a hand on his hair. “I just wish you guys had consulted me beforehand too.”

“Hyung, you wouldn’t have accepted even if we told you beforehand,” he sighs, fingers brushing his forehead. “You know that, I know that.”

“Why do you guys keep saying that?” Yeonjun says between gritted teeth, pulling the hair by the roots a little too strong. “I would have accepted it, dammit!”

“Stop lying to yourself, hyung.” Kai shakes his head. “You wouldn’t have.”

“If I had known the reason before…” he trails off, not having the courage to finish. Would he really accept it if he knew Kai’s reason beforehand? What about Soobin’s reason? A part of Yeonjun says that no, that he’d have the same reaction he had today. He can be hypocritical to the point of lying to himself, of lying to Kai when the younger knows the truth better than anyone else.

“You can lie to me, to Soobin-hyung and Beomgyu, you can even lie to anyone else. But at the end of the day, you can’t lie to yourself, hyung.” Kai rises from the chair, leaning his hands on the long table that separates Yeonjun and him. Maybe it’s a metaphor, for how apart they will become the moment Kai walks through the door. “We’re going to record the last album. The mood in the studio won’t be at its best, but we’re going to do our best at least for the fans, one last gift before the break.”

“It’s not just a break, is it?” Yeonjun whispers, watching as Kai moves away from the table and walks to the door, so far from where Yeonjun is. So out of reach, especially when Yeonjun isn’t even trying to reach him.

Kai stops, turning his head slightly, flashing a smile that doesn’t look genuine, doesn’t have that typical happiness he shows whenever he smiles at Yeonjun. It’s a sad smile, doesn’t reach his eyes, doesn’t bring the warm feeling Yeonjun is so used to now — doesn’t bring him comfort, it only makes them more far from each other. Kai nods, slowly enough to make it seem like he’s moving in slow motion. Yeonjun watches as he turns around and leaves him alone the same way his other two friends did.

Yeonjun is alone, and it’s all his fault.

1990

Yeonjun is about to give up when he notices a red car parked a little far on his left, two people standing outside chatting casually. Yeonjun has known this car ever since he was a teenager, and knows the man standing next to it for even longer than that. The red car is one that Yeonjun used to see in the Chois garage daily, always broken, always with Soobin’s uncle trying to fix it somehow. Apparently, the old man has finally succeeded after years of trying. Right next to it is Soobin, talking to none other than Sieun, his former girlfriend who now has the title of wife. Yeonjun hasn’t seen her for so long he hardly recognizes the woman, with her blonde, short hair instead of the brown locks that used to reach halfway down her back.

They’re talking while holding hands, a very cheerful scene from outside aside from Soobin’s frown. Sieun shakes their intertwined hands and says something to change her husband’s mood, but Soobin’s face remains the same. Could it be like that because of the interview? Does he regret coming to the radio station? Is he like that because he saw Yeonjun, the person who almost ruined his relationship and happy life with Sieun?

He doesn’t see any of his other friends, but seeing Soobin is enough to make the courage that was screaming inside him go completely silent. This isn’t the time to back down, this is the time to move forward, to approach Soobin and speak what his egoist self didn’t allow him to in the past. Yeonjun swallows the lump starting to form in his throat and takes a deep breath, walking over to the couple in slow steps. His hands are sweating and his stomach feels like it’s on fire because of his nervousness. Will Soobin ignore him? Will they fight again? Is this really a good idea?

He could back out, but there’s no more time to chicken out. Yeonjun is close enough that Sieun can spot him, her eyes flashing with surprise when she takes in the singer’s presence. Sieun is still as beautiful as she was years ago, the same doll-like features she used to have when Soobin fell for her. Yeonjun saw her many times in the early stages of their relationship, before she started studying and needed to settle somewhere, a different lifestyle from the one Soobin was leading at the time. Yeonjun wonders how their life is going since the wedding, if they live in any of the houses near Soobin’s family. Yeonjun smiles at the thought of Soobin having the happiness he always wanted.

“Oh, Yeonjun-oppa,” Sieun says, voice equally surprised. “It’s been a long time.”

“Hello, Sieun-ssi.” Yeonjun coughs, rubbing his jacket-covered arm. “I see you’re still as beautiful as ever.”

Sieun rolls her eyes. “And I see you keep flirting with every woman that breathes your way.”

“A man has to keep trying,” he chuckles, anxiously.

“Not with a married woman, oppa,” Sieun retorts, showing the hand where Yeonjun can perfectly see a wedding band. This makes him realize how he technically missed such an important moment in Soobin’s life, in his best friend life. All at the cost of what? He can’t answer, nothing comes to mind because nothing in his lifestyle compared to being there for his best friend on a special day.

“It’s good to know that you guys are still going strong and steady,” Yeonjun mumbles, looking down at the parking lot’s asphalt.

“They say marriage only lasts for the first three years,” she comments, trying hard to not let an awkward atmosphere grow between them. Soobin is still with his back to Yeonjun, silent, acting as if he isn’t there. Sieun touches his chest gently, smiling reassuringly. “It’s the next few years we need to worry about.”

“How long has it been?” Yeonjun asks, even if he knows exactly how long it has been since their wedding.

Unlike what everyone must think, Yeonjun did make his presence at the ceremony. Completely unrecognizable and in the corner of the church where no one could see him, the focus wasn’t him that day. He didn’t stay for the afterparty, but he stayed until the last person left the church, talking about how beautiful the wedding was. Sometimes he wished he had stayed for the party, had talked to his friends and got things solved a long time ago; but staying for too long would’ve attracted paparazzis attention — they have a talent to recognize Yeonjun even when his face is all covered. He didn’t want to ruin a special day for both of them, he couldn’t be that selfish again.

“Two years since the official ceremony,” Sieun replies. “We sent you an invitation, but we knew you were busy at the time and might not show up, so…” she trails off, bringing a free hand to her mouth and chewing on a fingernail like she used to do whenever a topic made her embarrassed.

Yeonjun can see the way Soobin holds her hand tighter as he hears his wife's words. He doesn’t know what’s going inside Soobin's head, but it can’t be a good thing. Maybe he thinks Yeonjun hasn’t gone, and it’d be so much better if he didn’t know, but Yeonjun doesn’t want any more reasons to distance himself. He knows things will never be the same again, but he’s not here to distance himself even further.

“I know, Mina-ssi. I went to your wedding,” he smiles sympathetically. “You looked beautiful in your wedding dress. White really brings out the color of your eyes.”

There’s a moment of silence where Sieun gapes at him while Soobin turns abruptly and looks at his friend’s face for the first time since they arrived on the radio station. Yeonjun’s hands are clammy now from how much he sweated, the lump in his throat getting so big he could no longer swallow it. Soobin’s surprised and confused eyes on him makes the situation worse, his furrowed eyebrows making the crease in his forehead more prominent.

“Long time no see, Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun greets in faux calm, his whole body screaming at him for saying something so simple like that. He never greeted Soobin like that in his whole life, never acted as if he was someone stranger.

“Hyung, you went to the wedding?” Soobin says in lieu of greeting, letting go of Sieun’s hand and crossing his arms over his chest.

“Of course I did,” he coughs. “I wouldn’t lose an important event like my best friend’s wedding.”

Soobin seems speechless, looking at Yeonjun with widened eyes and mouth slightly ajar. “But you weren’t at the party.”

“I was only at the ceremony. If I stayed for the party, paparazzi would probably show up. I’m sure none of you wanted that happening,” he explains, winking playfully at Sieun.

“They showed up anyway, oppa,” she says, smiling. “They always show up.”

“You tell me,” Yeonjun snorts. Memories of all the times paparazzi showed up and chewed his patience to the point where he gave up leaving his house except for important events flooding his mind — he did that especially on the first year of the band’s hiatus, he wouldn’t leave the house for anything other than going to the studio or for some important live performance.

“Hyung, you went,” Soobin breathes out, confused.

“Yes, Soobin-ah. I went to your wedding,” Yeonjun sneers, turning back to Sieun and pointing a thumb at Soobin. “I can’t believe you chose this loser over me.”

“He’s not a loser, oppa,” Sieun pouts, taking Soobin’s hand and kissing it sweetly.

“He’s in his thirties and still doesn’t have a driver’s license. Are you sure he’s not a loser?” Yeonjun says with one eyebrow raised.

“I see no problem in driving for him,” she retorts.

Yeonjun points with his head to the red car. “He still has his uncle’s old car.”

“Hey, it was a wedding present!” Sieun frowns, sounding offended.

“Seriously, Sieun-ah, you two are a hopeless case,” Yeonjun shakes his head, tsking. “It’s nice to see that you two complete each other’s loserness.”

“Why did you go?” Soobin butts in before Sieun can reply with some teasing comment. He’s still confused, brows furrowed while he stares at the other. Yeonjun smiles involuntarily, he hadn’t realized how much he missed Soobin all these years without him, especially his cute confused face.

“What kind of hyung would I be if I missed such an important day in my best friend’s life?”

The kind of hyung that almost ended their engagement and relationship, a voice in his head replies. Yeonjun tells it to shut the fuck up, this isn’t the time to blame himself when he has done it all this years already. It’s time to forgive himself, even if it’s fake.

Yeonjun feels Soobin approaching him more than he sees it. One second Soobin is standing across from him, the next he feels the man’s arms around him, pulling him into a hug that catches Yeonjun off guard. He stands still for a while, arms motionless as Soobin hugs him tighter and rests his face on the other’s neck. It’s like those almost four years avoiding each other didn’t exist, the hug making their disagreement disappear completely. Yeonjun exhales, letting his body relax into the hug and reciprocating it with the same strength, arms sneaking like vines around Soobin’s large body, squeezing so hard it makes the other huff a wet laugh.

Standing in a parking lot while hugging Soobin tightly makes Yeonjun forget all the wrongs he did in the past, the reason for the fight between them. He shuts his eyes softly, leaning his cheek against Soobin’s wide shoulder and mumbles a hundred apologies that are all accepted. Soobin was ready to forgive him long ago, and Yeonjun allows himself to be forgiven and free from the weights of guilt. The lump in his throat slowly unravels, his eyes watering a little. His shoulders are lighter than before.

1991

He doesn’t hesitate to walk past the group of people dancing, not paying attention to the amused looks and his name being called by different voices all over. He has no time for that, he hopes there’s still time to run into Kai outside the manor. Yeonjun vaguely bids goodbye to security at the door, feeling the flashes of cameras blinding him as he leaves the place. It’s obvious that even this late at night, the place would be packed with photographers just waiting to release some juicy and scandalous headline about whatever famous person is at the party.

He hars a loud honk amidst the sound of relentless flashes, squinting his eyes until he spots a black car parked a little ahead. The driver honks once more before opening the door, the man inside the car being none other than Kai. Like a light at the end of a tunnel, Yeonjun can’t hold back his smile as he sees him. Kai waited for him, even with the possibility of Yeonjun not coming — that would never happen in this lifetime, Yeonjun would never stop following Kai to wherever the other goes.

Tonight, he decides to not give a fuck about what will be on the magazine covers tomorrow. Tonight, he covers his eyes from the flashes and hurries to the car, getting in without answering questions and speculations from the reporters. Tonight, he decides to be selfish once again, letting Kai drive him away from the mess of flashes and people shouting his name incessantly.

“They’re still insufferable,” Kai comments when they’re away from the commotion. Only from hearing his voice Yeonjun lets out the air he was holding inside his lungs all this time.

“It’s getting worse. At least we used to have a little privacy before, now they follow you anywhere. Even into a public bathroom if they see you entering,” Yeonjun says, looking down at his legs. He has no idea where to look into the cramped space of Kai’s car, not having the courage yet to look into the man’s face. This is a dangerous area at the moment, too risky and deadly for him.

“Sounds like a pain in the ass, hyung. I’m glad I got out before this shithole started,” Kai laughs, it doesn't sound that natural.

Yeonjun huffs out a laugh, just so the mood doesn't get weird between them. It changes nothing, the mood turns from weird to completely irreparable. It's a deja vu from how they used to act around each other in the early days of their friendship. If he thought the talk with Beomgyu was awful a year ago, the possible conversation he'll have now will be a thousand times worse.

Kai keeps driving through streets without ever arriving somewhere. Yeonjun shakes his legs restlessly, waiting for him to park anywhere or to say something. The radio is on at a low volume, Yeonjun can vaguely notice a Bee Gees song is playing, not one that he knows. Yeonjun knows no other songs from them except the ones they sang for Saturday Night Fever, since he had to watch that movie for the sake of his friendship with Kai — actually, it was only an excuse to spend time with his crush.

He can hear Kai singing the lyrics silently under his breath, another smile he can't hide blooming on his lips. Kai hasn't changed a bit after all these years, the fact that he still likes Bee Gees songs says a lot. Yeonjun remembers his words from the night they broke up, can't help but feel hatred bubbling up inside him. Kai never changed, he's still the same as he was before. Yeonjun was the one who changed, to the point he couldn't handle the truth and decided to blame someone else.

"Your hair is short," Kai says, taking Yeonjun by surprise. He runs a hand over the back of his head, the place where the hair is shorter, unlike the style that was his trademark in the years he was known as Daniel from LOSER=LOVER.

"Label thought it'd be better to try something new," he says nonchalantly, biting the inside of his cheek. "Yours' still short."

"For almost my whole life," Kai chuckles. "I think I've gotten too used to this kind of cut to change."

Yeonjun loves Kai's hair, short in the back and mid in the front, a style that few used to wear in the past. He has always loved that style on Kai, it still suits him to this day. He steals at glance at Kai's head, remembering all the dreams that stuck in his head about wanting to run his hands through that same hair; his hands still remember the feeling, they still itch to feel it again.

"It suits you, Kai-yah," he lets slip, looking away in embarrassment.

"I think the same about your new cut, hyung," Kai says sweetly. "I like your hair longer like before, but you're still beautiful. I think you look beautiful with any hairstyle."

It feels strange to be complimented by Kai, especially in this delicate moment between them. It's like they're both strongly pulling on ends of a rope, Yeonjun keeps waiting for the moment it'll break. He doesn't know what to say next, the compliment making his heart flutter — it makes him reminisce about the past, when Kai used to make a point of complimenting him all the time. It's strange, a good kind of strange, as if things are coming back to place.

The car stops slowly, Yeonjun almost not noticing they have arrived somewhere. He takes a look out the window and sees only an ordinary condo, nothing luxurious or over-the-top like the place Yeonjun got for him. He doesn't remember ever coming to this side of town, less knowing where they are. Kai takes the key out of ignition, the only sound around them is the low music playing on the radio.

"Where are we?" Yeonjun asks, looking at the apartments outside the car window.

"My place," he says matter-of-factly.

"Your place?" Yeonjun frowns. Beomgyu had said nothing about Kai living around here. He figured the younger was in Hong Kong this whole time, working on his master's degree and working on something he likes. "I didn't know you moved back here."

"I moved a few months ago, no one but you and my sisters know," he says, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.

The walk to Kai's aparment is silent like everything they're doing, the two walking side by side, steps almost synchronized across the newly polished floor. The sound of shoes hitting the floor is the only thing stopping a dead silence between them. The anxiety he felt in the car is devouring him again, he can only hope that Kai would do something about it. Should he do something? Should he start this conversation in the hallway or wait until they're inside the apartment to let go of all the things that have been eating him away all these years?

Yeonjun is so focused on the possibilities that he doesn't notice Kai has opened the door and is standing there, waiting for him to get inside. Yeonjun moves warily, pretending that everything is perfectly in control. He doesn't need to make this weird, this conversation doesn't need to start and end in weirdness. Yeonjun repeats this so many times that it's the only thing on his mind.

1990

"What a lovely friends reunion." He hears someone say, followed by clapping. "Hyungs, I almost teared-up watching this beautiful hug."

Yeonjun turns away from Soobin just enough to be able to turn his face and see Beomgyu standing on the side of a yellow shining car that neither of them heard approaching from how focused they were in the hug and apologizing to each other. Beomgyu still looks the same, except that his hair is black with an unconventional blond streak — typical Beomgyu to get wild on his looks, this is something he’d wear and become famous for in the next few years if he were still in the band.

“I never took you for the crying type, Beoms,” Yeonjun scoffs, pulling away entirely, still keeping an arm around Soobin’s shoulders. Soobin lets out a squeaky laugh, while Beomgyu snorts, only his face visible from where he stands close to his car.

“That’s because you didn’t see him crying when Soobin and I danced together at the wedding party,” Sieun comments, getting a sideways look from Beomgyu.

“I should’ve stayed to see that one,” he jokes. Beomgyu’s ugly look migrates to him automatically.

Beomgyu rolls his eyes, scoffing. “As much as I’m happy to watch such a beautiful reunion in a crowded parking lot, it’s getting quite late, hyungs.”

Yeonjun looks up to the sky, starting to get darker. Night is coming, and he’s sad because he doesn’t have that much time with Soobin and Beomgyu before he has to leave. Will things be different when he gets into the cab and goes straight to his apartment? Will everything remain the same, just him and the ghosts of what it was like to have his three best friends by his side? He only thinks about the ghosts of friendship, it’s too painful to remember the ghost of Kai being his boyfriend.

“Oh, it is getting late,” Soobin exclaims in surprise, quickly glancing at the sky before turning to Sieun. “Jagiya, we have dinner with your parents tonight, don’t we?”

Sieun nods, not forcing Soobin into the car or rushing their departure. She must know what those three years were like from Soobin’s point of view, who was also suffering from not having one of his best friends. She knows that just like Yeonjun, Soobin also needed this reunion, needed to make peace and try to get back to how things were. Sieun smiles at him before opening the driver’s door, stepping inside quietly. Yeonjun mentally thanks her for this.

“See you around, Binnie?” He ventures, taking his arm from Soobin’s shoulders.

“Of course, hyung,” Soobin replies cheerfully, dimpled-smile and crescent eyes, a smile that he missed so much. “You’re still my best friend, Yeonjun-hyung. Even though you almost broke off my engagement and let fame get into your head.”

“Yeah, about that…” he trails off, fiddling with his jacket in embarrassment. “I’m really sorry for the things I said and did.”

“I already said I forgive you, hyung,” he says, still smiling. “The most important thing is that you’re back now, right?”

Yeonjun only nods, not finding words to say. He knows he’s not the same as he was at the time they fought, but he doesn’t know if he’s back to how he was before. Yeonjun has taken time to think about his actions, his choices, his words in the past, and the time alone made him think about who he really is and who he wants to be. He’s still rediscovering parts of himself he lost over time, and it’s something he’s working to this day. It’ll take time, but he knows that one day things will fall into place.

“Don’t become a stranger again, hyung,” Soobin says before walking to the passenger door, opening it and waving one last time before getting in. Sieun waves through the glass as well before starting the engine and driving out of the parking lot toward the life they both created together.

Yeonjun doesn’t feel sad about their departure, he feels glad that things are settled with Soobin and the possibility of everything working fine. The departure isn’t painful like the one from three years ago when Soobin left the meeting room completely disappointed with the older. He keeps Soobin’s smile in his head, pushing away the disappointed face that can no longer haunt him.

“Soobin-hyung missed you a lot,” Beomgyu says, drawing his attention. Yeonjun stays in the same spot, watching as Soobin’s car is already out of sight.

“I missed him too,” he admits, putting his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket, trying to hide his restless hands.

“How will you get back, hyung?” Beomgyu asks, leaning on the open door of his car. Yeonjun wonders what drove him to buy a yellow car of every possible color in the world.

Yeonjun licks his lips. “I think I’ll take a cab.”

Beomgyu shakes his head and clicks his tongue. “Get inside, hyung.”

Yeonjun swallows, looking at the passenger door of the yellow car. The truth is that he’s not ready for yet another emotional moment, he hardly mustered the courage to talk to Soobin, having to deal with Beomgyu minutes before doesn’t seem like a nice experience for today. Yeonjun doesn’t have CP high enough to deal with the big boss that is Beomgyu. He takes a breath, looking from the door to Beomgyu for minutes, running his index fingernail over the thumbnail nervously.

“Are you going to stand here like an idiot all night, hyung?” Beomgyu asks with a raised brow.

“I don’t think that’s a good—”

“Do you really think you’re going to run away from me that easily?” Beomgyu snickers. “Get in, hyung, we’re going to have one hell of an emotional conversation.”

Great. All Yeonjun wants now is to be stuck in a car where he can’t escape easily when Beomgyu starts touching all the wounds in his body that aren’t fully healed. He wants to talk to Beomgyu again, of course he does, but he used all his remaining courage with Soobin later. Beomgyu is completely different from Soobin, the conversation could lead into another argument in seconds.

“I have a few things to tell you, hyung.” 

Beomgyu gets into the car and puts the key in the ignition. Yeonjun hears the engine rumbling and he knows that Beomgyu will leave without him if he refuses the ride. There’s no persistence, no obligation, no more asking. Yeonjun has the free choice to get inside the car or not. He wants to make things right with Beomgyu. With everyone else, it’s all he’s been thinking since he heard his friends were in the waiting room.

Yeonjun takes a deep breath from the warm air before opening the door and getting into the car, ignoring the smirk on his friend’s lips as he steps on the gas, tires squealing as he makes his way out of the parking lot onto the busy boulevard.

1986

For someone who always touches Yeonjun with gentleness, there's nothing gentle about the way Kai pushes into him. Yeonjun can see that he tries to slow down the pace a few minutes, watch him attentively for any sign of discomfort, but Yeonjun isn't in the mood for soft, sweet love making like their first time and all the other times. Tonight, he wants rough and hard, he wants Kai to ruin him to the point his body will feel it for days and finger marks will be visible anywhere. He wants Kai to break him beyond repair because he trusts him enough to know that in the end Kai will smother him with kisses and warmth.

The first slam of Kai's hips against his skin makes his mouth open silently, the next one coming harder and making him cry out his name, the next one makes him pull tighter on Kai's hair, the next one makes him pull the younger closer as if he wasn't close enough, the next one makes him moan unabashedly, not caring if anyone will listen. Yeonjun is in paradise, something he hasn't felt before being shown to him.

"Fuck, hyung," Kai grits out, Yeonjun letting out a helpless whine as his legs wrap tightly around his waist in a silent request for him to going. Kai's hand fumbled at Yeonjun's, still clenched tightly in the sheets in an attempt of leverance, interlacing their fingers.

A moment of sweet intimacy, one that Yeonjun makes his heart swell.

"Hyuka," Yeonjun gasps out, throwing his head from the overwhelming emotions. Kai's mouth follows the line of his jaw down to his collarbone, biting and kissing until he's a whimpering mess.

Sex with Kai isn't always messy and rough like this, but Yeonjun is loving every second of it.

"God, hyung," Kai groans, staring down at him. "You're beautiful."

"Stop talking," he whines, the compliment making him blush harder, looking away to hide his face on the pillow. "I'm going to explode."

"Whatever you want, hyung." He lets out a huffed laugh, knees slipping further apart on the bed. Yeonjun gasps audibly when he slams into him harder, fucking him forcefully. The sounds in the room are more than a little nasty and filthy, a sinful melody.

"Hyuka," he cries out. "I'm going to— going to come. Please, I—"

He lets go, eyes scrunching up and teeth sinking into his bottom lip, stomach curling while white spurts from his dick. He's on cloud nine, almost not noticing as Kai comes in less than a minute, gripping his interlacing finger tighter while groaning in the curve of Yeonjun's neck. He slumps down on top of him, careful not to squish the older under his weight. They breathe deep together, Yeonjun staring at the ceiling while Kai's breath brings tickles on the damp skin of his neck.

"Wow," Kai breathes out, rolling off and staring at the ceiling.

"It was so good you lost the ability to speak, Kai-yah?" Yeonjun giggles, turning to the side so he can look better at his boyfriend's post-orgasm glow.

"Yeah. It's always good," he admits, trying to not sound embarrassed. "But it was different tonight. You looked dazzling."

"You know what?" Yeonjun scoots closer. "No more compliments during sex, it's too dangerous."

"Don't you like when I stroke your ego, hyung?" Kai says in a voice that mimics innocence, but there's nothing innocent in the way he's looking at Yeonjun. If anything, it's sinful, lustful.

"You should be stroking something other than my ego tonight," he wiggles his eyebrows, straddling the younger, ready for another round of something more sweet and gentle — he knows Kai won't be up to rougher again.

"I'll gladly do it, hyung," Kai says, bending Yeonjun's body until their lips are almost brushing against one another, kissing him gently and caring, the reassurance that his love remains the same all the time.

Yeonjun doesn't get the chance to sleep that night, but it's fine. He's limping and a little sore the next day, but it's fine because Kai kissed all his favorite spots on his body and held him close until morning came. It's fine because he has Kai, and he doesn't need anything else.

1977

It’s a cold Friday night, lights illuminate the whole path, loud music coming out of the speakers in the stores, people chatting all around and a few bands playing outdoors, an chaotic atmosphere that anyone would get lost in. In the midst of all this, Yeonjun moves quietly among the mass of people, making his way to where a band is getting ready to play.

It’s an usual Yeonjun Friday night, go to that side of town and enjoy a few minutes of freedom — something he rarely has at home with having to help in chores and taking care of his younger cousins. Even if he has to bring his cousin and walk with her, it’s still a moment that Yeonjun spends the whole week looking forward to. This place makes him feel closer to his biggest dream, makes him feel like he has a small chance to make it come true.

As a child, all of Yeonjun’s friends said different things when asked what they wanted to be when they grew up. An astronaut, a president, a businessman, work in a boring office like their parents do. Yeonjun always gave the same answer every year, I want to be a singer. laughter coming out of all his friends’ mouths, saying this isn’t something that will happen. At age ten, children can be quite mean when they want to. Adults have the same reaction but less meaner, ruffling his hair and saying that he better choose something else, something easier to achieve, something safer.

To this day, Yeonjun keeps his dream hidden under a thousand locks, shrugging every time someone asks him what he wants to work with or what he wants to do once high school is over.

At home, Yeonjun watches television at times when music videos are playing, fantasizing about being in the place of women in front of microphones and men with long hairs shouting to a huge audience. Rock n’ Roll, the genre that fascinates him the most. His parents aren’t too fond of this music style, but Yeonjun easily marvels at the glamor and colors of the clothes, the energy of being free to do whatever he wants, the guitar and bass chords, the drum beats.

Walking around here makes Yeonjun fantasize scenarios where he’s in the place of the female vocalists, of doing covers of songs he knows, of receiving applause, of knowing that in the midst of these people there might be someone willing to turn him into a real rockstar. Even though he likes to fantasize, he always remembers to keep his feet stuck to the ground, not floating through dreams like he did when he was younger. The possibility of his parents letting him join a band is minimal to the point it could be considered non-existent.

All that’s left for him is to dream, signing the songs silently in the shower.

“Oppa, look! Yeji-unnie is there,” Ryujin says, pointing at a band about to perform near them.

Yeji is their neighbor, one of the many friends Ryujin has. And as it seems, she’s also the lead singer of a local band. Not any band, a band that has Choi Soobin as guitarist — Yeji’s cousin and one of Yeonjun’s best friends. He had no idea that Soobin could play anything other than Elvis Presley songs at church lunches, getting attention from mothers who want to introduce the perfect church boy to their daughters. They’ve been friends for so many years that Yeonjun is surprised he’s unaware of this side of his friends. Maybe it’s a secret, like the one Yeonjun keeps to himself.

Yeonjun lets himself be pulled forward by Ryujin, mumbling apologies to the people they bump into while the girl doesn’t seem to mind at all. Now up close, Yeonjun can see perfectly well that Soobin’s hair is messy, unlike the slicked back hairstyle he wears daily. As if sensing someone is looking at him, Soobin turns around and makes eye-contact with Yeonjun, looking confused to see him there. Yeonjun waves slowly, Soobin waves back more excitedly, like a child seeing their mother come pick them up after school. He points to the clothes he’s wearing — a hideous white shirt with a brown vest —, silently asking if they're good. Yeonjun nods, holding back a laugh at the thought that Soobin must’ve spent the entire afternoon picking out this fashion disaster.

There’s two other boys in the band. One with red bass, torn clothes and disheveled hair, face looking like he’s more than ready to do this, not his first time in the rodeo it seems. In the background, he can see a drummer with a big smile on his face, a joy almost infectious; unlike the other two, this one has short hair with shaved sides. Adding all this to Yeji dressed in a red corset with big, black boots that she probably took from her mother, this band looks like a magazine clipping made by a five-year-old.

“Good evening everyone, we’re the Wicked Lollipops. We hope you enjoy our performance.” Soobin speaks into the microphone, voice a little shaky. Yeonjun understands his nervousness. It’s one thing to sing in church with people you know, it’s another to sing for a bunch of strangers.

He barely has time to judge the band’s name — Wicked Lollipops? Where the hell did Soobin get that name from? —, as the drummer shouts something he can’t understand, guitar and bass chords blending with the sound of drums. Yeji’s voice soon follows the instrumental, their performance of Barracuda beginning. This is one of Yeonjun’s favorite songs, one of the many he has memorized the words to by sneaking around the record store near school after classes, lying to his parents about where he was when he got home late.

The performance is good in a way he didn’t expect, a very professional band level. He can casually hear Soobin and the bassist doing backing vocals for Yeji, who sings so gracefully that some of the boys next to Yeonjun hold their breaths when she looks teasingly in their direction.

The band plays four more songs before ending their performance for the night. Yeonjun hummed silently to all the songs, daydreaming about what it’d be like to be in Yeji’s place, ignoring the elbow bumps Ryujin gave him while jumping up and down in excitement during the whole performance. Soobin breathlessly thanks everyone for watching the performance until the end, the rest of the band does the same, bowing for the audience. Yeonjun keeps clapping even after the audience has left, looking for some new entertainment, some throwing a few notes into Soobin’s open guitar case. Ryujin bounces over to where Yeji is helping the boys put away their instruments.

“I never thought I’d see you here,” Yeonjun says, approaching with quiet steps, crouching down near the guitar case to see how many bucks there are. “Especially playing something that isn’t Elvis Presley.”

“I can say the same about you, hyung,” Soobin replies giddly, reaching out to hug the older in a strange position. “I saw you singing along to all the songs.”

“Soobin-ah, you were looking at me during the entire performance instead of the audience?” Yeonjun teases.

Soobin blushes, looking away. “Hyung, that’s not it. You’re part of the audience, so—”

“Relax, Binnie,” he bumps his shoulder against the boy’s. “What did you tell your parents to come here?”

“Church band meeting,” Soobin chuckles nervously, scratching his head.

“With Yeji?”

“Her parents think she’s at a friend’s house,” he says, worrying at his bottom lip. “What about you?”

“What makes you think I need to lie to my parents to come here?” Yeonjun says, one eyebrow raised.

“Because I know hyung’s parents hate rock music as much as mine do,” Soobin retorts, flicking Yeonjun’s forehead.

When it comes to hatred for this music genre and religious fanaticism, you can be sure Yeonjun and Soobin’s parents are fighting for first place. Yeonjun doesn’t judge Soobin for keeping this band a secret, it’s quite likely that his parents would faint if they knew that their beloved catholic son is listening and playing songs connected to the devil. Yeonjun laughs at their own misfortune.

“Ryujin wanted to go out tonight,” he shrugs. “You know my uncle does whatever she wants.”

“Privileges of being daddy’s little darling,” Soobin grimaces, crouching down to pick the bills inside the case, stuffing them into his pants pockets without counting. “What did you think?”

“Of what?”

“Of the band, hyung.”

“For something I didn’t know existed until minutes ago, it’s quite good,” he replies nonchalantly.

“Just good?” Soobin presses for some extra compliments.

“It was good. You guys play well and Yeji is a mid singer.” The girl casts a deadly glance in his direction, before being pulled away by Ryujin, the two engaging in an excited conversation about a boy who gave his number to Yeji after the performance. In the past he’d probably be shaking in fear of what she’s capable of, now he knows that Yeji wouldn’t hurt a fly. “Y’all not the next Queen or anything, but you guys are good.”

“You talk as if you’re way better,” the bassist scoffs, blowing a strand of hair away from his face.

“Do I know you?” Yeonjun asks, looking cross-eyed at him.

The boy turns to Soobin, pointing at Yeonjun’s direction with his head. “Hyung, who’s this loser?”

“Loser?” He repeats, outraged. “Excuse me—”

“That’s my neighbor and best friend, Yeonjun-hyung. The one I told you about, remember?” Soobin says hurriedly to prevent an argument, but the bassist is set to not end this before saying something else. “Hyung, this is Beomgyu. I've been helping him with History lately.”

Yeonjun has no idea who this boy is. “You’re helping him? As in tutoring him?”

“Yeah, my parents thought it’d be nice if I helped the son of a friend of theirs. Long story short, this is Beomgyu and I’m tutoring him in History,” Soobin rambles, pouring out information that isn’t relevant to Yeonjun.

“I didn’t even know you paid attention to History classes.”

“Ah!” Beomgyu, the bassist, snaps his fingers while raising his eyebrows. “This is the neighbor who has a pretty cousin.”

Yeonjun chokes. “Pretty cousin?”

“Yes, Gyu. But you didn’t need to bring that here,” Soobin mutters, throwing daggers at Beomgyu. He could probably rip the other boy’s head off with the force of his mind.

“Pretty cousin?” Yeonjun repeats, turning back to Soobin.

“Ignore that part, hyung,” Soobin says, cheeks slowly flushing.

Yeonjun wiggles his eyebrows. “You think Ryujin is pretty?”

“I… Beomgyu!” Soobin calls out, putting his hands around the other’s shoulder, who was busy packing something in his backpack. “Don’t you think that girl right there is pretty too?” He turns Beomgyu’s body to where Ryujin was talking with Yeji.

“Well, if by girl you mean Kai-yah chewing gum with his mouth open, then no. Not really my type, he’s too young,” Beomgyu replies nonchalantly.

Yeonjun holds back his laughter upon watching Soobin’s widened eyes. In the place where Yeji and Ryujin should be helping the drummer put away his equipment, there’s only that short-haired boy, chewing gum as he finishes zipping up one of the drum cases. He looks distracted, not caring about everything happening inside him — especially when the girls decide to leave. Yeonjun isn’t worried at all, Ryujin only came with him to meet Yeji anyways.

“Where… Where did they go?” Soobin babbles, sounding life a goof.

Yeonjun puts a hand on his shoulder, teasingly saying, “You really want to know where Yeji and my pretty cousin went?”

“Stop calling Ryujin pretty,” he whines, shutting his eyes in embarrassment.

“But that’s what you said, Binnie.”

“You’re way more annoying than you look, you know that?” Beomgyu comments, taking Soobin’s hands that were still perched on his shoulders.

“At least I don’t look like a dead fish on stage,” Yeonjun says in retaliation.

“Have you ever been on a stage in your life?” Beomgyu bites back, nostrils flaring. Yeonjun feels his ears burn with embarrassment and annoyance from the lack of honorifics coming from this boy. Beomgyu hums smugly, smiling victoriously. “From how you shut this big mouth of yours, I’m sure you’ve never sung anywhere other than in the shower.”

It doesn’t matter how true those words are, Yeonjun isn’t going to give this boy the taste of victory so easily. He’s about to come back with some outright lie — not technically a lie since he sang in the church’s choir ever since he was seven — when the short-haired drummer approaches them, a worried look in his face as he gets closer to Soobin. Soobin is still searching for the girls through the crowd, and Yeonjun wonders if that’s the time for him to go since there’s nothing more for him here except teasing Soobin a little more. This is the first different Friday night of his whole life.

1978

There's times when both Yeonjun and Soobin need a time for themselves, a thing that looks like a sleepover where they don't sleep, only talk until the sun is rising and both can finally close their eyes and sleep a little. They always talk about what's stopping them from sleeping soundless, sharing burdens and thoughts under Soobin's ceiling, lights switched off and only the faint glow of the moon coming through the window.

More than any other day, Yeonjun needs to share the biggest weight he's carrying himself.

It's raining outside when both boys finally settle into bed, Soobin slipping under the duvet first and Yeonjun following, a tight fit for two teenage boys in Soobin's small bed. They knock elbows, accidentally kick at each other and giggle like they're ten and nine again. It's uncomfortable, but comforting in a way that only something known can be. Soobin is his best friend, there's no one in the world that can make Yeonjun feel like this in such a moment of weakness.

Silence settles over them, the noise of the rain splashing above the roof and the warmth of Soobin's arm pressed against his lull him into a state of calmness, he could almost fall asleep like this. Soobin's room looks the same as always, the same posters on the wall, the same books on the shelf, the same jackets hanging on the wardrobe open doors.

"Hyung, I'm scared," Soobin whispers, almost as if afraid of cutting the silence between them.

"Of what?"

"What if our parents learn about the band? What if it doesn't work and we have to end it all?"

"Soobin-ah, it's okay to be scared of those things," he reassures, staring at the empty, dark ceiling. "I'm scared too, but let's be positive about it. If it doesn't work, we'll find something else. It's not our only chance, we're still young."

"I know," Soobin sighs, shifting a little. "But I can't help thinking the worst first."

"You always do that," he chuckles. "Stop thinking so much, and stop being so harsh on yourself."

Soobin scoffs. "You should be saying that to yourself too."

"Soobin-ah, let's be gentle with yourselves from now on."

"Easier said than done," he mumbles.

And Yeonjun feels the opening to share his fear, the one that's preventing him from sleeping just like the band failing and his parents knowing is holding Soobin back. He can say it, he knows he can. Two words, something so simple but it holds a meaning bigger than that. Bigger than him, bigger than his friendship with Soobin — that is, if Soobin will still be his friend after those two words.

Yeonjun feels like he might burst if he doesn't say it out loud at least once in his life. Just one time, he says to himself. One time, and he can keep his mouth shut forever and hide this part of him so no one else will know about it.

He takes a deep, shuddering breath, suddenly losing sense of where he is and listens to the words leaving his mouth as if they're white noise.

"I'm gay."

In the darkness of Soobin's room, everything shifts in that moment, a change that Yeonjun knows it'll bring consequences. He waits for a reaction, a word, something other than static and silence between them. He should've thought better, but he felt like telling Soobin. He's the only person in this world that he trusts with his life, he couldn't go on without telling him once.

In that moment, Yeonjun feels the room pressing in on him, bending his ribs until they might crack and splinter, pierce his lungs and leave him to suffocate in the darkness without anyone else to save him. It's the weight of knowing he's an abomination, it's the darkness and loneliness he's grown afraid of meeting.

Soobin's hand is warm, his palm rough and calloused when it finds him on top of the duvet, taking him slowly out of the pit of darkness he found himself sinking into.

He squeezes his hand, pouring tenderness, understanding and love, all things that Yeonjun never thought he'd be able to get once he left that admission out of his lips. It almost makes him tear up as the feeling reaches his heart, taking the loneliness away from the place it made itself a home. Yeonjun feels free, no longer tied up to a secret that was slowly killing him.

"Hyung, do you want me to get you a boyfriend then?" Soobin asks, the humour muted by the understanding in those words. Soobin still likes him, Soobin still wants to be his friend, Soobin still wants him around. Soobin won't push him away because of something he can't control.

Yeonjun manages a choked laugh that comes accompanied by a sob, the lump in his throat doesn't feel that bothersome anymore. "How are you going to find me a boyfriend when you can't even find someone for yourself, Soobin-ah?"

When he closes his eyes, he falls asleep instantly. It's light, the sun shines upon them from the window, hands and heart linked and shoulders more light from the weights pushing them back. Yeonjun knows that when he wakes up, things will be exactly how they were before, his admission not changing anything between his friendship with Soobin.

1979

Yeonjun is sitting in the old armchair in Soobin’s living room, chewing the tip of his pen distractedly. The Chois living room is the same size as his house living room, the only difference being the caramel armchair and the bookshelf filled with miniatures of famous cars that Soobin’s father likes to collect. There’s no family photos on the shelfs or the walls, sometimes it looks like the home of a thirty-years-old bachelor. Yeonjun keeps chewing on his pen, looking around wearily.

It’s a Wednesday afternoon, Soobin’s parents are both working and the house is practically empty apart from his uncle, working in the garage fixing an old and always broken car. The whole band is gathered in that small living room with pens and paper sheets leaning on school books they no longer need. Soobin is wearing his glasses, concentrating on the lyrics he wrote, sitting on the floor with his back leaning on the mini collectible cars shelf. Beomgyu is sitting on the couch looking at his own sheet while scribbling circles at the corners, Kai beside him popping gum balls while staring at the ceiling.

They should be choosing the songs for their first EP. The key word in this is should, since no one but Soobin seems to be giving much importance to it.

“I’m bored,” Beomgyu complains loudly, drumming his pen on the sheet.

“If you were reading the lyrics you wouldn’t be bored,” Soobin says without taking his eyes off his sheet.

“Hyung, I really don’t want to spend my whole afternoon reading lyrics about beautiful women and wanting a Plymouth Road Runner,” Beomgyu huffs.

Soobin rolls his eyes. “We don’t have lyrics only about that, okay?”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot I have to torture myself reading a bunch of lyrics about teenage love and clichés that Yeonjun-hyung keeps bringing to us.”

“I don’t see you helping in any lyrics, bigmouth,” Yeonjun hisses.

“I guess you’ve forgotten who makes the melodies to your corny lyrics, hyung.” Beomgyu sing-songs, batting his eyelashes while looking at him.

“Guys, arguing won’t get us anywhere,” Kai says, trying to calm the tempers. His voice alone works miracles to make Yeonjun give up any argument he was ready to use against Beomgyu.

It has been almost two years since he joined the band that night without thinking twice before jumping right in. Initially, he expected everything to go wrong a few weeks before, that someone would find out somehow and tell his parents, and he’d have to bid goodbye to his dream of being a singer. By divine intervention since Yeonjun doesn’t want to call it a miracle, everything is going fine until now. In fact, things are so fine that he keeps waiting for the moment it’ll go down the drain.

They have their own compositions, the Huening’s garage gladly given as a place for band rehearsals and a new name that doesn’t sound ridiculous when said out loud. LOSER=LOVER , without any big or deep meaning, just a name Yeonjun thought before he closed his eyes to sleep, his favorite time to have bursts of imagination. It’s been a few months since the band started using this name, after much discussion among themselves and the endorsement of Yeji, still an honorary band member — “A little bit,” she said when they asked if LOSER=LOVER sounded like a famous band name. “A one hit-band.”

“Kai-yah is right,” Soobin says, taking off his glasses and putting them down on his lap. “We need to pick five songs by Friday, and we’re not getting anywhere if we keep fighting over every little thing.”

Yeonjun drops the pen in his lap. “It’d be easier if Beomgyu didn’t keep complaining about everything without even looking at the lyrics.”

“I looked at them,” Beomgyu huffs. “Before you start whining, I picked the five most reasonable ones.”

“Reasonable?” Soobin says, staring at him. From the look on Beomgyu's face, another childish argument is about to break out in this living room.

“I thought the lyrics were pretty good,” Kai says, popping another gumball, the sound exploding in the room.

“Thanks, Kai-yah,” Soobin smiles softly at the younger.

“You’re going to believe in a guy that non-ironically likes the Bee Gees?” Beomgyu says, awestruck. Soobin laughs, weak and barely audible, but enough to make the mood a little better.

Yeonjun looks at Kai, smiling weakly in assurance, getting a bright and open grin in response, one that could make anyone who looks at it for too long dizzy. Kai never gets affected when Beomgyu talks about his music taste or whatever, he always takes it jokingly.

“Shall we begin voting?” Yeonjun says with a clap, drawing the others’ attention.

 “Voting?” Soobin asks.

“For the songs that will be in our album,” he replies, matter-of-factly. “Here’s the drill, everyone writes down on paper the five best songs in your opinion. We put them into Kai’s bag and the one with the most votes goes on our EP.”

Yeonjun is about to bend down and pick Kai’s backpack to throw all the junk inside on the floor when Soobin interrupts in his hasty fashion. “Wait, wait, wait, hyung.”

“What?” Yeonjun stops, annoyed.

“Are we going to do this by voting?” Soobin asks back with widened eyes.

“Yeah?”

“Hyung, it’s our first EP!” Soobin exclaims, flustered. “We can’t do it this way.”

“Do you have any other ideas, genius?”

Soobin stays silent, gnawing on his lower lip. He doesn’t look like he has a better idea, but Yeonjun’s one doesn’t appeal to him. Soobin is technically the leader of the band, even though none of them have established that officially. He’s the one that handles most of the performances in bars and restaurants, and he’s also the one who got the scheme so they can record an EP for a band that isn’t even known yet. Yeonjun knows that this EP is a big thing for Soobin, it’s the beginning of a dream for him too. A dream that Yeonjun discovered only last year when the two talked about it while sitting on a curb. Just as Yeonjun dreams of being a successful singer, Soobin airms to be a great guitarist with a well-known band as the ones he listens to. Yeonjun knows he’s anxious, nervous, apprehensive in case things don’t work out.

It’s a chance in a million.

“I hate to agree with hyung, but his idea is kinda the only option for us now,” Beomgyu says, breaking the silence.

“Will it hurt you to agree with me once in your life without acting like someone is holding a gun to your head?” Yeonjun deadpans.

Soobin sighs. “I know, Gyu. It’s just…”

“It’ll be okay, hyung,” Kai says, stretching his arms. “We have good songs. We might even be the next Bee Gees in a few years.”

“I don’t want to be the next Bee Gees,” Beomgyu whines, covering his eyes while pretending to cry.

“Bee Gees aren’t that bad, Gyu,” Soobin says, shrugging. A new mood setting around here, one that’s playful and light. One of Yeonjun’s favorites when he’s with his friends.

“Not you too, Soobin-hyung!”

“Guys, focus,” Yeonjun snaps his fingers, bringing the attention back to him and the task they have at hand. “We need to start voting now. My parents will be home in a few.”

“Still on curfew, hyung?” Kai asks, a hint of concern in his voice that makes Yeonjun wince, slightly embarrassed for being the older one but still being grounded by his parents. He only nods, saying nothing more.

The curfew is an attempt of his parents to punish him after one of their performances in a bar close to town went on too long. His parents aren’t overprotective to the point of not letting Yeonjun go out at any time, but they still act like he’s twelve and not eighteen. Still, that night it was smarter to just accept the curfew silently than saying he was late because he was playing in a band they don’t even know Yeonjun is part of. He’s not so stupid to the point of turning in not only himself but Soobin as well.

“Sometimes, I forget that Yeonjun-hyung parents still see him as a child,” Beomgyu coos, starting to write on one of the empty sheets, ruthlessly tearing off the pieces.

“It’s not my fault I’m their only child,” he grimaces.

“Soobin-hyung, you never told us how you got this chance to record the EP,” Kai says, preventing once again another silly argument.

Soobin lifts his head to look at the couch, finishing tearing through his choses songs. “I didn’t?”

Yeonjun takes the opportunity to empty Kai’s backpack, throwing everything on the carpet of the Chois living room. Kai is closer and closer to graduating, his backpack always full of stuff of all kinds. Yeonjun wonders how he can carry so much weight on his back all the time. There are books of all disciplines, thick notebooks full of notes, gums of all flavors and an absurd amount of empty packages at the bottom. Kai smiles sheepishly when Yeonjun looks at him in mid disgust. It’s kind of gross the amount of junk inside the packback, but it’s not the most important thing at the moment.

“No, hyung.” Beomgyu motions for Yeonjun to hand him the empty backpack. “You just barged in telling us to pick songs for an EP.”

Soobin frowns, folding the pieces carefully. “Oh, I could’ve sworn I told you guys.”

“You only said it in your imagination,” Yeonjun teases, quickly writing down his five favorite compositions in scribbled handwriting that probably no one but him could understand.

“So, you guys know Jungkook-hyung?” All the boys shake their heads as Beomgyu throws the backpack to Soobin after Kai has put inside his choices. “It’s gonna be a long story if I stop and explain who Jungkook-hyung is, so you guys just need to know that he’s a friend of mine.”

“Binnie, you have other friends besides us three?” Yeonjun says in faux surprise.

“Very funny, hyung,” Soobin snorts, showing his tongue. “Back on the topic, he took a job as a producer at a record label that just recently opened. It’s nothing big or luxurious but it’s not like we can complain. Besides, they only charged 22k won to record our album, which I think is quite cheap.”

“Cheap?!” Yeonjun exclaims, awestruck and wide-eyed.

It’s no secret that Yeonjun’s family doesn’t have as much money as most of the families living in that neighborhood. He has never been hungry or had things missing in his house, but he also doesn’t have exorbitant luxuries and can spend money on whatever he wants — especially when his parents have to support him and the majority of his cousins. Soobin has two older siblings who don't even live with him anymore, so his family has a little more money compared to Yeonjun’s. It’s no surprise that he finds that amount cheap.

“Can you let me finish?” Soobin says with an eye-roll, tossing his backpack in the direction of the scrawny boy. “That’s pretty much it. We’re getting an EP thanks to the courtesy of Jungkook-hyung and the money I saved.”

“As long as it didn’t come from my pockets,” Beomgyu shrugs.

By late afternoon, the five songs were finally chosen after five different arguments, a threat to run someone over with a bicycle when they least expect and Beomgyu and Yeonjun almost getting into a real fight while Soobin protected the collectible cars and Kai holding the two boys back effortlessly. As Yeonjun runs back home with his sneakers untied, he’s relieved that they’ve come to an agreement on the setlist at the end. Even though is only five, he feels proud that at least three of his compositions were chosen by his peers. He’s deeply proud of those ones, even if they’re corny as hell and talk implicitly of his feelings for Huening Kai.

Yeonjun is so happy that they’re going to record their first EP that he doesn’t notice that he arrived almost thirty minutes earlier than his curfew time.

1981

“Let’s see,” Kai muses. “Next question is, which of these places do you think is the best for a first date?” He recites exactly what’s written in the magazine. Yeonjun is holding the same magazine, but he isn’t paying that much attention to the quiz. The wrinkle in the middle of Kai’s forehead when he’s concentrating is much more attention holding.

If someone told him months ago that he’d spend an evening sitting on the carpet floor of an expensive studio taking a quiz about which guy from LOSER=LOVER would be your boyfriend along with the boy he’s madly in love with, Yeonjun would never believe it. The turns life has taken in recent years has been so unforeseen that this is just one more of the unpredictable things that no one could have ever predicted.

They spent almost the whole day recording their LP, only a few short breaks that led to banter between them and cheap, cold coffee being spilled on Soobin’s t-shirt. At the moment, Soobin is dozing off on the small sofa, sleeping soundly enough that not even an earthquake could wake him. Beomgyu is nowhere to be found, probably on the reception phone, trying to call that woman who gave her number to him. Only Yeonjun and Kai were left, leafing through magazines until the younger found this quiz and decided they needed to take it. Yeonjun rolled his eyes when he saw it, but he’d never be able to deny anything to Kai when he showed him that cheerful smile and doe-eyes. Yeonjun is weak when it comes to the younger, he knows that.

“I think a picnic in the park sounds interesting,” Yeonjun says, marking in his magazine with one of the pens he brought with him.

“I thought Gyu was joking when he said you’re a hopeless romantic, but he was completely right, hyung,” he grimaces.

Yeonjun hits his shoulder with the magazine. “What did you pick, wise man?”

“A candlelight dinner, obviously.”

“And you call me the hopeless romantic?” Yeonjun scoffs, moving to the next question. “In your spare time, what do you enjoy?”

“Like we have any spare time,” Kai laughs loudly, a soft smile forming in Yeonjun’s lips. They really don’t have that much free time ever since the band stormed out, but it’s not the comment that makes him smile. It’s Kai’s laugh, another thing about him that leaves Yeonjun endeared.

“Let’s pretend we do, Kai-yah,” he says, quickly running his eyes through the options.

None of them are what he’d usually do if he had the time for it, but this quiz isn’t a serious thing. It’s just a past-time since none of them want to go home anytime soon — well, Yeonjun isn’t excited at all to go back to his cheap motel room where someone probably had a cocaine overdose in the past.

“Mmm… I choose sports,” Kai says, crossing out the option in his magazine. Yeonjun already figured that would be the answer. Kai would probably choose something different if one of the options was to buy more pushies or study quantum physics.

Yeonjun hides his smile, crossing out his magazine. “I chose to write.”

“But you already do that, hyung. Even when you have no spare time,” he says matter-of-factly.

“Which band do you like best?”

“Our band isn’t here,” Kai pouts adorably.

“If they put our band here, people would pick it out without batting an eyelash, dummy.”

“Oh, there’s Bee Gees.” 

A big smile breaks out in his face, he still remains a big fan of the band, the same way he did when Yeonjun met him at the band’s performance. He gave him Kai a Bee Gees record for his birthday last year, a gift bought with three months’ save salary from the convenience store. Kai loved it the moment he opened the present, and that was enough for Yeonjun to not cry over the money spent.

“I choose Earth, Wind & Fire.”

“I had no idea you liked them, hyung,” Kai comments, slightly shocked.

“ September is one of the best ‘70s jam, man.”

“How can you say that when Stayin’ Alive exists?” Kai sounds offended, putting a hand on his chest.

“Maybe Beomgyu’s right, this Bee Gees obsession of yours makes you look like a nerd,” he jokes.

There’s two more questions before they find out the results, Yeonjun is strangely looking forward to it. It’s a silly teen magazine quiz, but the possibility of getting Kai and having a reason to talk about the kiss he stole two years ago is tempting. They never talked about it and acted as if nothing had happened the next day. Yeonjun even thought he dreamed about that kiss, but something in the way Kai looked at him when the others weren’t looking was proof enough that it really happened.

Yeonjun never stopped thinking about the kiss, not for a second. It’s engraved in his mind like someone had burned into his memory the feeling of Kai’s lips against his. Yeonjun is a little ashamed to admit that several times he dreamed of Kai kissing him again, kissing him even more than before.

“What’s your favorite LOSER=LOVER song?” Yeonjun grins as he reads the question. “We only have five songs, it’s not that hard to choose.”

“I find it pretty hard to choose.” Kai bites the cap of his pen thoughtfully, marking the magazine before turning to Yeonjun. “I’ll go with Diving in the Moonlight.”

Yeonjun nearly chokes on saliva, looking at the boy with wide eyes. Kai chuckles, turning his attention back to the magazine. Yeonjun’s heart beats a little faster at the thought of this song being Kai’s favorite. The song in which he put almost all the feelings he had for Kai back then — it doesn’t compare to the feelings he has now. If things were a spark before, these days they’re unstoppable flames.

“You like that song?” Yeonjun whispers, voice breaking.

Kai nods, not looking at him. “I worked hard on the instrumentals, how could I not like it?”

He winces after hearing this. It’s obvious that Kai would choose the song for this, not for any other foolish reason that Yeonjun was already imagining. He marks off any of the five songs listed, not bothering to say his choice out loud and jumping to the next question.

“Your favorite kind of mov—”

“Action!” Kai replies loudly before Yeonjun can finish speaking.

“As expected,” he rolls his eyes. “I choose Musicals.”

“It’d be ironic if you didn’t choose musicals since you made us watch Grease four times in one week.”

“Grease is a masterpiece, you guys should start realizing that.”

Yeonjun marks the last option, the quiz coming to an end. According to what he read at the beginning, he must add up the small symbols at the end of the answers and the one that repeats the most is the member who’ll be your boyfriend, one symbol for each of them. The symbols to take Kai is a sun, while those for Yeonjun is a moon. He only scored two options with his own symbols in a ten question quiz, but the most symbols in his quiz were Beomgyu ones. He lets out a loud laugh, startling Kai who was silently counting his symbols.

“Who did you get?” He asks, dropping his magazine on the floor.

“Beomgyu,” Yeonjun says mid-laughter.

“I don’t think you guys would be a good couple, hyung,” Kai grimaces. “Maybe when you’re thirty and have a daughter, Beomgyu will notice you.”

Yeonjun can’t even imagine being in love with Beomgyu without ending a fit of laughter. Something about that thought stops being funny and makes a shiver run down his spine, wincing involuntarily. Kai isn’t laughing with him, he’s looking nowhere in the room, looking thoughtful.

“What’s yours?” Yeonjun asks, poking Kai’s shoulder with the pen to get his attention.

“Huh?” He looks and sounds distracted. “Ah, I got you.”

Suddenly there’s nothing for him to laugh about anymore. He gnaws on his lower lip, standing still. Yeonjun doesn’t want to admit that he’s happier than he should be that Kai got him in that stupid quiz, but something about his reaction doesn’t seem quite right. Kai looks tense, like he usually looks after taking one of his college semester exams. His face is serious and lost as he stares at the magazine thrown close to his legs, the air getting heavier around them. It’s just a quiz from a teen magazine, not something that big for Kai to be overreacting to. Yeonjun wonders if the idea of dating him is so unpleasant for him to reach this way.

“Hyuka, it’s just a stupid quiz,” he says, dropping his magazine on top of Kai’s. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. All chill, hyung.” Kai blinks a few times, smiling weakly afterwards.

The mood between them doesn’t change one bit, the air so heavy that Yeonjun can feel it entering his lungs and clogging his nostrils until he can’t breathe anymore. Kai is close enough for their shoulders to touch, but whenever they lean it brings an electric shock to Yeonjun. Nothing is right at the moment, and Yeonjun hates it.

It took so long for them to get to the point of being friends without feeling embarrassed or shy to talk to each other — and without Yeonjun letting his feelings overspill and take control. He doesn’t want to go back to square one with Kai, doesn’t want to walk on eggshells when he’s alone with him. Yeonjun decided that he’ll just ask one last thing and then let it all go, leaving it in the past once and for all.

He isn’t hopelessly in love with Kai, it’s just a small crush. That’s what he tells himself, at least.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Can I ask you something, hyung?”

They speak at the same time, synchronized enough that Yeonjun couldn’t even hear his own voice. Kai scratches his nape, long fingers running through the short strands, while Yeonjun gapes and blinks. It’s such an awkward moment that he feels like he’s once again standing near his house door, Kai holding the handlebars of his bicycle, a memory from two years ago.

“You want to speak first, Hyuka?” Yeonjun asks, motioning for the other to speak.

Yeonjun glances at Soobin’s sleeping body on the sofa and the closed studio door, a conversation that only the two of them will hear. Kai takes a deep breath, staring at Yeonjun with inexpressible eyes, a look that could mean anything — and yet, Yeonjun can’t tell what it means exactly.

“Do you still remember the ki—” he stops abruptly, biting his lip in retaliation. It’s like he can’t say the rest, courage turning thinner. Yeonjun holds back his laughter. How is it possible that someone so confident most of the time can’t say a simple word like kiss.

“The kiss?” Yeonjun completes for him. Kai nods slowly, looking at the older’s legs instead of his eyes. “Yes, I still remember.”

He seems to hesitate for a second before blurting out, “Do you still think about it, hyung?”

Yeonjun worries at his lower lip, deciding to not care of the consequences anymore. This is a chance that might not come up again, he’s not going to throw it away like that. So he exhales and says, “If I think about the kiss or if I think about doing it again?”

Kai giggles nervously, rubbing hands over his face as he exhales hard. Yeonjun watches his reaction without understanding what Kai is trying to express. Sometimes it’s so easy to read him, and other times it’s an impossible mission.

“Both,” he whispers, hands still covering his face. “Even though hyung shouldn’t think of either.”

Yeonjun brings his hands up to Kai’s face, taking the hands away from his face, seeing the reddish spots on it. Whether it’s from the rubbing or from being embarrassed, he can’t tell. Yeonjun looks at him with one eyebrow raised, still holding his hands, tightly keeping them caged with his. Kai looks vulnerable now, bright, hopeful and uneasy eyes looking at Yeonjun in an intensity that makes him breathless.

“Actually, I don’t only think about that,” Yeonjun admits. “I also think about whether you will run away again if I ask for another kiss.”

1985

Kai stands still, gaping and looking wide-eyed to everywhere other than Yeonjun. He knows he has fucked up, Yeonjun knows it too but he's too angry to be sympathetic with him. He wants to punch the drummer's beautiful face hard enough to make him look ugly, but he holds back. Yeonjun knows that if he does it now, he'll regret tomorrow when he sees purple colouring the skin.

"That… I mean… How?" Kai mumbles, arms falling at his sides.

"What?" Yeonjun chuckles humorlessly. "How I'm fucking gay?"

"But all the girls in parties and the magazine covers—"

"They're fucking gossip magazines. Of course they're not going to tell the truth about what happened, they get paid to lie."

Yeonjun gets up from the bed, picking up the magazine he dropped beside him, holding it so tight the paper crumples between his fingers. He points aggressively at the woman's face, eyes burning with anger as he looks at Kai.

"This woman was talking about clothes with me the time they took the picture. I wasn't even that close to her face, it's camera angle, you fucking asshole."

Kai stays in place, blankly staring at where Yeonjun was seated not a minute ago. His face is the image of remorse, guilt beyond measure, while Yeonjun is pure anger and annoyance. He feels like laughing at how pathetic and stupid Kai had to be to believe in a magazine headline instead of reaching him out to talk about it. He's in love with a stupid man, a stupid man he wants to kick out of the room at the moment.

Kai swallows. "Hyung, I—"

"Don't say it," he warns, hands trembling as he throws the magazine hard on the floor. He points a finger at Kai's chest, narrowing his eyes and hissing, "You've said enough. You have no right to say anything else."

Yeonjun walks toward the piece of furniture he's using as a table, picking a cigarette and a lighter, the grip so tight he thinks he might shatter them both. He doesn't stall, lighting the cig and stopping near the balcony open door. Kai turns his face at him, Yeonjun stares with all the rage he can, smoke escaping from his nose and parted lips — a dragon about to spit fire, a warning of danger.

Kai walks to him in cautious steps, a careful man stepping into a frozen river, any wrong move resulting in his death. Yeonjun watches his face with contempt, lips tightly closed around the cigarette, smoke escaping through his nostrils. He crosses his arms over his chest, scraping one fingernail under the other to the point of hurting.

When he's close enough, he brings a hand to Yeonjun's mouth, index and thumb taking the cig that's stuck between his lips, the skin of his fingers rubbing gently over — the same way he traces the shape of Yeonjun's lips before kissing him breathless. Such an old memory, something that feels like it happened decades ago instead of just a few months.

Kai brings the cigarette to his own lips, taking a drag and blowing the smoke away from Yeonjun's face. "I don't like when you smoke, hyung," he says, voice calmer and sweet compared to before.

"I said you have no right to talk in this room."

"Can I have the chance to tell how I'm feeling?" Kai says, placing the cig back on his lips. Yeonjun follows the motion with his eyes, looking away when he notices what he's doing.

"No," he says, more weakly.

"I'm going to tell you anyway, hyung."

"Kai-yah—"

"I'm jealous," he says, not allowing Yeonjun to stop him. "I'm jealous of all these women talking to you and laughing with you and kissing your cheek in paparazzi's pictures. More than jealous, hyung. I'm scared one of them would get your attention. I'm terrified of losing you, to be honest."

Yeonjun sighs defeatedly, all the angry walls crumbling under his feet. "Why are you so scared, Kai-yah?"

"I keep thinking about you not wanting to be with me, that you'd realize that things would never stop being this. Secret kisses and whispered confessions. I'm afraid you will wake up one day and decide it's no fun to be with a man, that you will look for something that you could tell people about," he says, sitting down on the bed, letting a deep sigh along with smoke. "Of course, I thought that when I was sure you were a straight guy wanting to try something new."

"You're the biggest idiot I know."

"You think I don't agree, hyung?" Kai looks up. "I thought if I walked away, I'd save myself from a broken heart. I thought that if I gave you an ice shoulder you'd get fed up and end things. I was hoping it'd be like ripping off a band-aid, quick enough to not feel any pain. I never thought the pain would come later as I watched you laughing in interviews whenever they asked about the girls and the headlines."

Yeonjun shakes his head, aghast. "You're a jerk."

"I am that too," he grins. "Hyung, you probably have heard this a million times, but you have a beautiful way with words. I've always admired that in you. The lyrics you write, the way you sing, the way you speak, all leave me hypnotized. I do believe in all the things you told me in the months we spent together. I still do."

"This is no time to praise me, Kai-yah."

Anger turns into smoke instead of flames about to ignite a fire inside him, only a few compliments being said in Kai’s soft voice enough to make him cool down. It’s equal to the smoke coming out of the younger’s lips every time he takes the cig out of his lips. One and the same, meant to be together.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me for what I did. But I couldn’t keep it inside anymore, hyung,” he looks down. “There’s a limit to what a person can keep to himself, that was mine.”

“You think I don’t keep stuff inside me too?” Yeonjun runs a hand across his forehead, moving toward his damp hair. The thought of pulling out every single strand until Kai understands how flustered this situation is making him is tempting. “You’re such an asshole, Kai. A fucking idiot.”

“You already said that, hyung,” he remarks, teasingly.

“Yeah, but I need to repeat a lot more so you can understand,” Yeonjun retorts. “For fuck’s sake Kai, you’re the biggest fool I know. You don’t even realize that I have a thing for you since I joined the band. I’ve liked you since I was seventeen! Why on earth would I end something I’ve been waiting years to have?” He says loudly, desperate even. Yeonjun wants to laugh hysterically at his own luck, at the fact that the person he’s been in love with for more than eight years thought he wanted to break up because of some actress who hit him at a party.

“You like me?” Kai gasps, choking on the smoke while looking at Yeonjun with wide, watery eyes.

“Don’t give me that bullshit,” he sighs wearily. “It’s not possible you haven’t noticed this all these years.

“Hyung, I—”

“Now, you're gonna shut this big mouth of yours and listen to me,” he points a finger at him, cutting him off. “You really think that if I didn’t like you, I’d have reacted that way when you kissed me in front of my house years ago? Would have said I wanted another kiss that night in the studio when we were recording our first album? Would have admitted that I wanted to flirt and dance with you at that party? Do you really think I’d have done all this if I didn’t like you? No straight guy wanting to try something goes that far, you fucking idiot.”

Kai fidgets. “I thought you were—”

“Yeah, I know how you saw me,” he rolls his eyes. “Womanizer who bangs every girl that breathes near me. It matches me a lot .”

“You have to admit it matches a little, hyung,” Kai chuckles, taking the cigarette back to his lips.

“You still have no right to say anything,” he warns. “Nor open this big mouth of yours.”

Yeonjun walks to where Kai is, pulling the cigarette from his lips without any gentleness and putting it on the ashtray above the bedside. He’s close to the point Kai could wrap his arms around his slim waist, but neither move. They’re not orbiting around each other anymore, but they’re on the way to go back to it. Kai tilts his head back slightly to have a better look at Yeonjun, eyes bright from unshed tears and heavy feelings he was carrying alone, looking at Yeonjun as if he were the last bright star in the sky. Ursa Major, the one that will take him to where he belongs.

1983

“Forget it, Kai-yah,” Yeonjun wheezes. “I’m completely wasted. I don’t even know what I’m talking ‘bout. Let’s just… forget it.”

“Alcohol doesn’t take away your ability to understand and be coherent, hyung.” Kai walks in calm steps to the armchair where Yeonjun is sitting. “It only inhibits guilt, remorse and shame. You know exactly what you’re talking about now.”

Curse him for saying something to one of the smartest people he knows. Yeonjun takes a deep breath, shutting his eyes close to be unaware of how close Kai is getting. He knows the younger is standing right in front of him, knees leaning against each other, he bites his lip before opening his eyes and coming face to face with the red blouse. He keeps his eyes on one of the buttons, not having the courage to look at Kai’s face.

“Since you’re being so honest tonight, I’ll tell you something too, hyung.” Kai puts a hand on Yeonjun’s chin, lifting his head so they can look into each other’s eyes. “I didn’t watch you all night just because I was worried. I watched because you were stunning. You are stunning, hyung, especially here. Especially now, where I can see you perfectly, where no one can see us.”

Yeonjun hisses under Kai’s delicate touch, watching as he leans in until his face is centimeters from his. Lips so close that if Kai dares to say anything, they’re likely to touch Yeonjun’s softly. He closes his eyes on instinct, waiting for something he doesn’t even know it’ll happen, but that he’s been waiting so long that his mind doesn’t care if Kai is only playing with him.

“Where no one can see what I’m about to do,” he adds in a whisper.

He feels Kai’s lips brushing against his, just like the first time all those years ago. A light touch, he can taste the cigarette and feel the texture of his lips, sighing as he yearns for more. They’re no longer eighteen and sixteen, they’re no longer in front of Yeonjun parents’ house, they’re no longer shy teenagers. Yeonjun’s feelings are no longer a small flame, they’re a whole fire. Burning his body from the inside out, aiming to burn Kai equally with the same desire and want.

Kai is the one that deepens the kiss, with the same gentleness he uses when he holds Yeonjun, a gentleness that makes the older’s head spin and think his feelings are real enough that he could grab them. He puts his arms around Kai’s neck, bringing him closer, almost making him fall into his lap. Kai puts a hand against the back of the armchair for support, not daring to break apart. He smiles in between the kiss, doesn’t last long, but it’s enough for Yeonjun’s heart to skip a beat.

Yeonjun sighs dreamily as he finally runs his fingers through the hair close to the back of Kai’s head. The feeling is as good as he thought it’d be, way better than what he imagined over and over again. His daydreams of running his hands through it as they kiss come to an end. Reality is way better, even if it feels like a dream — Yeonjun begs that it isn’t just a dream; and if it is, he hopes it doesn’t end as soon as all the others.

1991

“Welcome to my little fortress, hyung.” Kai announces, closing the door and walking to the kitchen, dodging a few things scattered on the floor. “It’s probably not as luxurious as the place you live, but it’s good enough for me.”

“It’s perfect, Kai-yah,” Yeonjun says, looking around.

It’s small, but cozy in a way his own apartment never felt. It reminds Yeonjun of the small room he used to have in his parents’ house, no space for furniture so he had to resort to leaving things on the floor. Kai’s apartment is a living room and kitchen together with a hallway with three doors. The couch takes up almost the entire room, leaving space only for a shelf full of vinyl records and CDs, along with a record player and a radio. Further down he can see thick books with worn columns, titles almost unreadable.

This whole space is a dip in the ocean that is Huening Kai, a shallow dive. There’s much more to be explored and known, much more that makes up who this person is. Yeonjun discovers once again between the scattered things on the floor and the small room that he’s still hopelessly in love with the man trying to open a beer can in the kitchen. Kai is still the same, and even if he has changed, Yeonjun knows now that he’d still love him.

That’s what love is about, learning more and more about the other person, even when you think you already know everything about them.

“You keep listening to Bee Gees,” Yeonjun comments, pointing to the shelf with his head.

Kai opens the two cans, walking over to Yeonjun and handing him one. He’s not in the mood to drink tonight, but maybe a few sips will make the anxiety lessen to the point he can talk to Kai without feeling guilty. Kai looks at the shelf and takes a sip from his beer.

“Of course, hyung! They’re still the best band in the world.”

Yeonjun giggles at his excitement, boyish as ever. “I can’t agree, Kai-yah. I only know the songs from the movie.”

Kai gasps, almost choking on his beer. “Hyung, you only know the ones that played in Saturday Night Fever ?”

“You know I’ve never been one to listen to Bee Gees,” he shrugs. “I only listened to them to impress you and have something to talk to you about,” he admits, turning his face away and taking a swig from his can to hide his embarrassment. Kai has heard that all the band’s famous songs are for him, it’s not like admitting the things he did in the past just to impress him is going to make any difference.

“I knew that already, hyung,” Kai chuckles, bumping his shoulder with Yeonjun’s gently. The touch is a high voltage shock, almost making him choke on his beer. It has been so long since he has felt Kai touching him, his body screams for more, for gentle brushing of fingers on his skin and lips against his.

“You knew?”

“Well, I didn’t know from the start. Beomgyu told me,” he scratches his neck. “But I took the time to rethink a few things and you were always very clear in what you said and did. I was just too dense to realize hyung’s feelings towards me.”

“It only took you thirteen years, Kai-yah,” Yeonjun jokes.

Kai grins. “Better late than never, hyung.”

Yeonjun holds back a smile, turning back to take a better look at the shelf. Things are going so well that it’s easy for him to pretend this is just a best friends’ get together, that they were nothing more than that — that they didn’t break up for something as silly as Yeonjun’s head filled with fame and stupid ideas. It’s easy to pretend all that, but it wouldn’t be fair to either of them. The part about patching up their friendship is easy, but not their relationship.

He’s about to say it all at once, it’s always better to rip off a bandage all at once rather than doing it bit by bit. Something in Kai’s shelf catches his eye, a vinyl so new it’s still plastified. Yeonjun can see his face on the cover, holding back a gasp. It’s his first LP, his hair was already short and the picture of his face in black and white, while the whole album is in a colorful tone that doesn’t match anything. It was a metaphor somehow, for how people pretend to be happy on the outside while feeling terrible on the inside after a break-up. Yeonjun was overdramatic at that time.

He takes the vinyl carefully in hands, looking at the cover for a second before noticing another album of his in the place where this one was. His first EP, an experimental release to see if the fans would like it if he bet on a solo career. Why does Kai have these two albums?

“Didn’t Beomgyu tell you that I followed your solo works?” Kai says, answering the question Yeonjun doesn’t dare ask.

Yeonjun swallows. “Did you listen to the songs?”

“Every single one,” he nods. “Especially after our break-up. It was a slap in my face, but it reminded me that what we had was real.”

“Never took you for the masochist type, Kai-yah,” Yeonjun jokes, putting the vinyl back in the stack. “You understood the lyrics by the looks of it.”

“I suspected they were for me, hyung. Not only those, all the others you’ve done.”

“You really took it better late than never seriously, didn’t you?” Yeonjun snorts.

“Why didn’t you call me, hyung?” Kai blurts out instead of replying. He sounds unconcerned, but Yeonjun knows him enough to know that it’s all acting, that he’s just as desperate as him.

Two desperate souls looking for answers. Two desperate people who haven’t abandoned the past, always walking through it again and going nowhere.

Yeonjun sighs, holding the can tightly. “I called. At the wrong time.”

“I knew it,” he mumbles, sounding more relaxed.

“Kai-yah, I—”

“Hyung, do you still like me?”

Desperation floods back in his tone, now accompanied by a glint in his eyes that makes the scars in Yeonjun’s heart open wide and bleed painfully.

“I do.” He looks away, not having the courage to look into his hopeful eyes. “But it’s not that easy.”

“You always find a way to complicate things when it’s not necessary, hyung,” he points out, shaking his head.

“Kai-yah, I broke your heart.” Yeonjun mustered the courage to look at him seriously this time, to get his point across. This is the moment, he isn’t going to take two steps forward and six back, doesn’t want to keep roaming without going somewhere. “I broke up with you for no reason at all. You never changed. You’re still the same Kai I met at seventeen, the same who kissed me at my front door, the same who made me wait four years for another kiss. The Kai that I have always been and still am in love with.” He takes a deep breath to prevent his voice from breaking. “But it’s not easy because I’m not the same Yeonjun you used to like at sixteen. I’m not the same one who broke your heart four years ago. I know who I am now, but you don’t. It’s not easy, Kai-yah.”

“Yeonjun-hyung,” he starts, placing a hand on Yeonjun’s shoulder, keeping a distance that is both pleasant and bothersome. “People change, feelings change, it’s part of the process of growing up. I’m in love with eighteen-years old Yeonjun, the same way I’m in love with twenty-years-old, twenty-fours-years-old and thirty-years-old Yeonjun. Hell, I love even the Yeonjun that broke my heart in 1987. You may change as much as you feel the need to, but my feelings for you won’t. Can’t you see that, hyung?”

“Kai, I just—” Yeonjun stops, speechless. He wasn’t expecting Kai to answer like this. He came in thinking that things would lead to another fight, one that would end things for good between them. He expected Kai to be angry, ready to spit out all the truths that Yeonjun has told himself thousands of times in relapses. He expected anything other than understanding and soft-spoken words.

Kai smiles, hand migrating to Yeonjun’s cheek, stroking it gently and tentatively. The touch is warm, his eyes closing instinctively. “Like I said, hyung always finds a way to complicate things when it’s not necessary.”

“Why aren’t you angry at me?” Yeonjun breathes out.

“I was angry for a while, but it wasn’t worth it in the end,” he says, fingers never stopping their stroking. “I knew you were just insecure, hyung. Sometimes your fear of being forgotten speaks louder than anything. It may not seem like it, but I also know you well. That’s why I wasn’t angry. But I admit that I was sad for a long time.”

“I’m sorry.” Yeonjun feels a tightness in his chest. “I really am, Kai-yah.”

“It’s okay, hyung,” he says, still smiling. “I hurt you back then too. I should’ve been honest with you, should’ve told you instead of walking away little by little. I was afraid you’d get angry that I wanted a break from the band.”

“I would never be angry at you. Or Soobin, or Beomgyu,” Yeonjun explains. “I wasn’t angry about the break or that you guys needed it. Now, I see that I was angry because I only cared about myself, how the break would affect me.”

“We all make mistakes, hyung.” Kai keeps stroking his face with his thumb, touch so delicate it feels like cotton being brushed over his cheek. A feeling so familiar, so comforting in the times he needed. “You’ve made your own and regretted it, just like I did. There’s no reason to dwell on this anymore.”

Yeonjun smiles, weakly but sincere. He knows he’ll still spend a lot more time of his life dwelling on the events of 1987 — no amount of apologies will erase what happened. For now, he lets himself forget the guilt for once. The only thing that matters tonight is Kai, back to him, standing face to face, stroking his face softly, bright eyes that don’t leave his face for a second. It feels good to be under his enamored glance, Yeonjun has missed feeling this cherished and adored by him. Of being seen and loved.

Not by anyone. By Kai, the only person loving him that he wants to be looked like this by.

1990

Yeonjun feels his heart beating faster just from hearing his name, the proof that his feelings remain the same, waking from their grand slumber. His feelings never diminished or ended, they only grew to the point where Yeonjun felt like getting on a plane leaving to Hong Kong and beg for forgiveness on his knees — maybe ask his hand in marriage afterwards; Yeonjun was going through a lot of delirious moments post-break-up and band hiatus. He coughs to mask the swirl of emotions at the thought of Kai still liking him. Even if he doesn’t love him anymore, just having feelings for him is enough.

Yeonjun hasn’t been forgotten by his first love, even after all these years.

“How is he?” Yeonjun asks, voice coming out weak, a whisper that shouldn’t be uttered.

“I think you should ask him that yourself, hyung,” Beomgyu says, stopping the car.

It takes Yeonjun a while to recognize his condo. He’s been no absent-minded half the way that he didn’t notice that for some reason Beomgyu knows where he lives — it’s not that shocking, especially when people keep leaking his personal information every other week. He looks up at the cluster of tall buildings, wondering if this is the time to leave and hope things change between them, if Kai will be waiting for him at the lobby or some equally cliché thing. He wouldn’t complain if it happened. Deep in his soul, he’d even like it.

“Don’t tell me he’s waiting for me at the lobby.”

“‘course not, hyung.” Beomgyu flicks his head, making the older frown. “This is real life, not the cliché movies you like.”

“Can’t a man dream of a happy ending?” Yeonjun complains.

“You’re such a loser, Yeonjun-hyung.”

“Besides, how am I supposed to talk to him?” He says, still rubbing the place the younger flickered. “I don’t know if you know, but I haven’t had any contact with him in these three years, genius.”

Beomgyu shoves a hand into his pants pocket, pulling out a piece of paper from inside and dropping it in Yeonjun’s lap. He takes the paper carefully, a cutout of a folded sheet, a phone number he doesn’t recognize scribbled in it. Is that the number of where Kai’s living now?

“He asked me to give it to you,” Beomgyu says when he notices Yeonjun’s puzzled face. “Said he couldn’t wait for you at the radio station, but that he’d answer on this number if you call.”

“Why didn’t he wait?” Yeonjun asks, eyes on the paper sheet as if the number will disappear if he stops looking.

Beomgyu shrugs. “Maybe it still hurts him to remember what you used to have before.”

“Do you think he’ll forgive me someday?” His lips twitch, a wave of sadness drowning everything inside him.

“Maybe,” he shrugs again. “You’ll only know if you call him.”

Yeonjun folds the paper and slips it into his jacket pocket, turning to Beomgyu. He gets a good look at his friend’s face, still as young as ever, a childish face on the body of an almost thirty man. It’s weird to think that he met Beomgyu when he was fourteen, that he has watched his friend grow older over the years and become the person he is today. It’s weird to think that Beomgyu is still the same, that Soobin is still the same, that even Kai is still the same — even though Yeonjun lied that fateful night, saying he has changed completely.

The truth is that he’s the only one who changed between them.

“Thank you, Beoms,” he whispers, not knowing what to do next. Should he hug Beomgyu? Pat him on the shoulder? Open the car door and vaguely say goodbye?

“It’s chill, hyung,” Beomgyu says, equally not knowing what to do. They were never much for showing displays of affection every time, it was in the little things for them. “Now, go. You have a relationship to mend with an equally pathetic guy.”

“I really missed you, Beoms.”

“Yeah, yeah. I missed you too, hyung,” he coughs, looking away. “Now shoo, I have an important date to go.”

Yeonjun ruffles the younger’s hair before opening the door and walking out, leaning on the window to take one last look at him. Beomgyu smiles, shooing him away in the affectionate-aggressive way they used to treat each other in the past. Yeonjun murmurs one last thing before starting the car and disappearing down the dark street. He follows the motion until there’s nothing left in the street, glancing at the sky and taking a deep breath. He feels light, a happiness he thought he’d never feel again coming back to him like an old friend.

1991

“I still regret one thing,” Yeonjun says softly. Kai nods, waiting for him to talk when he’s ready to do it. Yeonjun has been ready for a long time. “I regret breaking up with you, Kai-yah.”

“You do?”

“That’s one of the things I regret the most,” he worries at his bottom lip. “It’s first on my list, to be honest.”

Kai giggles. “You have a list of regrets?”

“A list of regrets about you,” Yeonjun admits, placing his beer can in a vacant spot on the shelf, not caring whether it’s a good place or not.

“That doesn’t seem like a very healthy way to deal with things, hyung,” he jokes, placing his can next to Yeonjun’s. “Would you mind telling me more about it?”

“Well, let’s see,” he muses jokingly. “I regret not kissing you that night when we were in the studio recording our first album. I regret not saying everything I felt that night we kissed for the first time in that hotel room. I regret not telling everyone in that damn interview a year ago that all the songs were written for you and only you. I regret that I didn’t have the courage to call you sooner,” he recites all the regrets he carries with him like bruises that never heal.

Kai whistles. “That’s quite a few, hyung.”

“I’m about to add one more to the list,” he says, putting his hands around Kai’s face and pulling him closer, crashing his lips against his without any hesitation.

His body is vibrating with joy. So needy he was of Kai’s touches, his presence, his lips and the warmth of his body. Yeonjun spent countless nights dreaming of this again, of making things right with him and getting back to the way they were. He knows things won’t come back, but maybe a new beginning would be a good thing. He feels Kai’s arms wrapping around his waist and pulling him closer, closing any space it might have between them. Yeonjun smiles amidst the kiss, exhaling deeply when he feels the kiss deepening.

Oh, how Yeonjun would kill to live forever in this moment, to not make it turn into only a memory.

Kai pulls away just enough that he can formulate words without Yeonjun stopping him. “Hyung, you can cross this off your list. And the first one too.”

There’s no room for Yeonjun to speak, Kai is back to kiss him eagerly, lips the air that he needs to breathe. Yeonjun is equally eager, a smoker begging for nicotine in the middle of the night. The kiss is made up of teeth clashing and restless hands, exploring each other's bodies wildly, as if this moment could end in a blink. Like in a dream, except that the Kai in his dreams isn’t as good of a kisser as the one in real life.

Kai excitedly pushes him back, both falling awkwardly on the couch, laughing as they look at each other with swollen lips and heaving chests. Yeonjun strokes the back of Kai’s neck, feeling the usual short strands on his fingertips, smiling as he remembers the first time he had the chance to touch it. When he looks at him, he feels as if he’s coming home after a long time away. All the insecurity, guilt and fear are gone completely. He no longer needs fame, or interviewers praising and pampering him, people shouting his name, lavish parties and friendships that don’t last more than a month. He needs nothing more than the man above him, red lips and eyes that shine like constellations when he smiles.

Kai’s arms are the place that Yeonjun wants to stay, for as long as time allows him to.