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“We’ll set out at noon, camp overnight, and continue to the location in the morning.” Arthur announced to the Round Table. The only Knights sitting around it were Leon, Gwaine, Lancelot, Percival and Elyan. Merlin, of course, stood behind Arthur. “We should get there by noon tomorrow. If the witnesses who came to me are correct, that’s where we’ll find Morgana.”
“Or a trap.” Leon spoke up. “We can’t trust these witnesses.” Arthur nodded.
“Exactly. That’s why I need all of you specifically. You’re my strongest, bravest and most courageous Knights. If it is a trap, I’ll need the best by my side.”
“Do you want to feed their egos any more?” Merlin joked, and Arthur smirked.
“Dismissed. Prepare for the journey. We’ll regroup in the courtyard at noon.” Arthur bowed, which the Knights returned before moving to leave. “Leon.” Leon stopped, turning back to the King respectfully, who waited until all the other Knights had left the room before continuing. “Since we’ll be gone for a few days, Sir Tedward will need to join us if he’s able.” The First Knight laughed.
“Very funny, Sire.”
“…That wasn’t a joke, Leon.” Arthur spoke seriously, oddly so. “I’m sorry that I made you feel that I’d still joke about him.”
“No, not at all, Sire, I-I just…” Leon blinked, looking between Merlin and Arthur in confusion. “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”
“That’s alright.” Arthur assured him quickly. “Sir Tedward received a knighthood last night, meaning he is an Official Knight of Camelot, and must be treated as such. He must follow the same codes that all the Knights do, including being available for service. Right now, his duties are to accompany the First Knight to aid in keeping him safe.”
Merlin suddenly realised why Arthur had remained sober the night before, and why he’d knighted the bear. He was trying to make it easier for Leon to connect to Tedward by keeping him within Leon’s comfort zone: being responsible for the other Knights.
“…Sire, respectfully, is this a prank?” Leon asked.
“It is not, Leon.” Arthur sighed. “Respectfully, Sir Tedward has been knighted because he has proven to be a great asset to Camelot. He is paramount to the health and safety of my First Knight, which is why he should join us, if he’s able.”
“Sire, I understand that the knighthood last night was a bit of drunken fun and-”
“No, it wasn’t. I told you it wasn’t a joke.” Arthur looked hurt, and Leon was slightly taken aback. “I knighted him last night, sober and fully aware of my actions, because I need you to accept him. I need you to look after yourself. I thought it would be more familiar for you to treat him like a Knight, to make you feel better about having him on quests and patrols.” Arthur’s voice softened. “It’s just us, Leon… You, me, Merlin, Gwaine, Percival, Elyan and Lancelot. No-one else knows about him. He can remain hidden if that’s what you want, but I’d like him to come with us, if he can.”
Leon recoiled a little, guilty for accusing Arthur of joking when he’d only been trying to help in his… peculiar Arthur way. It reminded Leon of when Arthur was a little child, after Bors had hit him in front of everyone in the throne room. Arthur had tried to help by putting a wet lettuce on his face where it had bruised. He winced at the memory.
“I appreciate the thought, Sire…” Leon settled on bowing his head slightly. “I’ll… brief him.”
“Thank you.” Arthur smiled, nodding at Leon to give him silent permission that he could leave. Leon nodded back, before leaving the room. Arthur sighed, turning to Merlin once Leon had left. “He still thinks I’m joking.”
“He called Sir Tedward ‘him’ though! …You know Leon. He’s all service and duty.” Merlin assured him. “And given what we know about Bors… this is going to be a big step for him. Bringing a comfort item to a quest is hard enough, and even if training Knights is Leon’s strong point, treating the bear like a Knight will take imagination. I don’t know if Leon ever used his. He’s been trained as a Knight since birth, you said.”
“He has. We trained together.” Arthur smiled sadly. “I just thought knighting the bear would be more familiar for Leon, but he thinks it’s still a joke. I should never have said what I did about him.”
“But you did, and you apologised, and you can’t change that now. You’re doing a good thing. A… strange but good thing. He’ll appreciate it, I think, and the others will respect it. I know they will.”
“Am I really doing a good thing? He didn’t look comfortable.”
“He needs it, I think. And look at it this way: What would your Father, or his, have done if they’d found out about Sir Tedward?”
“My Father likely wouldn’t stand for it. Morgana and I never had such toys as children, we were supposed to train. N-not that Sir Tedward is a toy-”
“I know.” Merlin nodded in understanding.
“We had archery equipment, if we wanted to practice, but we were usually training. Leon didn’t have anything either. I one hid in his room from my Father and I remember how empty it was. Gwen’s house was bad but Leon’s room had a bed, a closet, and little else.” Arthur continued. “Of course, he was punished for hiding me there. I dread to think what Bors would have done if he knew of Sir Tedward… I’ve seen Leon in the stocks mid-winter by his Father’s hand before.”
“That’s horrible…” Merlin whispered. Arthur nodded. “What had he done to deserve that?”
“Nothing. He was ill, and faltered during training because of it.”
“That’s all?”
“Bors told him that being ill was no excuse to fall short. He made sure Leon would get sick so he could train him to push past it.”
“That’s why he’s so stubborn to admit when he doesn’t feel w- He’s scared of being ill .” Merlin realised aloud. “He’s my most difficult patient because he’s never once confessed to feeling ill. And when Gaius was possessed by that goblin, Leon was begging him to heal him, he’d even paid him.” Merlin growled. “If I ever meet Bors- Is he still-?”
“Alive? Yes. But not in Camelot. He used to visit frequently, until my Father and I aided him in an invasion from King Claudas, and I haven’t seen him since. He’s in Gaunnes with Bors the Younger, Leon’s brother. He left Leon here to serve as a ’token of his appreciation’. He’s been our longest serving Knight since.”
“If Bors ever returns, can we banish him?” Merlin asked.
“…We need his alliance.” Arthur whispered, and he didn’t have to look at Merlin to know he was pulling that ‘are you kidding me’ face. “I don’t make this decision lightly. My Father decided an alliance with Gaunnes was good for Camelot, and Leon… well, you know how loyal he is. He agrees we should uphold the alliance.”
“Fine. But if he touches Leon again, you’ll break me out of the dungeons, right?” Merlin asked. Arthur scoffed.
“But I need you to break me out.”
“Maybe the Knights can break us both out?”
“The Knights will be in there with us. What about Gaius?”
“He’s at the point where he just raises an eyebrow every time I’m arrested.” Merlin shrugged. “Maybe Leon can break us all out.”
“Are you kidding?” Arthur laughed. “He’d leave us there for breaking the law and decking a King!” Then he froze. “Was that one of those jokes that isn’t actually funny?”
“No, that was pretty funny. He probably would.” Merlin smiled. “Though we probably shouldn’t be joking about any of this.”
“No, probably not…” Arthur agreed. “If Bors ever visits, I’ll keep him away from Leon, and you’ll be on Leon-duty.”
“I can agree to that.”
“Excellent. Now go and clean my armour before we leave. And get yourself some. If we’re going to face Morgana, or a trap, I want you s- um, I want you unwounded. I don’t want to have to come back to Camelot because you’re too clumsy and slow to dodge an attack.”
Merlin rolled his eyes, but he caught onto the concern that Arthur didn’t dare to show.
“Yes, Sire.”
When they met at the courtyard, Arthur couldn’t help but stare at his servant.
Huh. Merlin suited armour.
Arthur had seen Merlin in armour before, back when they fought for Ealdor, but Merlin had changed since then and, well, he looked as though he could be a Knight of Camelot. Maybe he should be…
“Are you alright, my lord?”
Leon’s voice tore Arthur from his thoughts. The King nodded. He was surprised to see Sir Tedward attached to Leon’s belt on the opposite side to his sword, but he didn’t draw attention to it. Gwaine, however, seemed to have already done so.
“Well, hey, handsome.” Gwaine tucked a lock of hair behind his ear, and Leon rolled his eyes.
“Sir Tedward isn’t interested, he’s only here to serve.”
“I wasn’t talking to him.” Gwaine winked, and the First Knight went as red as his cape. Arthur snorted.
Huh… not Sir Tedward catching Gwaine’s eye today then.
“You’re impossible. Let’s get going.” Leon choked, ignoring Percival and Elyan laughing behind him as they mounted their horses. Leon, Arthur and Gwaine clambered onto their own horses, while Lancelot helped Merlin up onto his before mounting his own.
Together, they rode off into the woods.
“Sire.” Leon took his horse from a trot to a gallop to catch up to the King, who rode ahead of the group to lead and protect them from the front. Arthur slowed his horse a little so Leon could catch up.
“What is it, Leon?”
“Merlin is falling asleep, sire. He isn’t used to wearing heavy armour, and it has been a long journey. It’s getting late. We should think about stopping for the night.”
“Merlin can hold on an hour more. We’re almost-”
A thud made Arthur stop, and several cries of ‘Merlin!’ made him turn in time to see Lancelot and Gwaine throw themselves from their horses to aid their friend, who, instead of sitting perched on his horse, was sprawled on the floor.
“I’m fine. Sorry.” Merlin whispered, wincing as Lancelot and Gwaine helped him up. “Sorry.”
“Does anything feel bruised? Broken?” Leon asked, dismounting gracefully and rushing to Merlin’s side, pushing at the skin where he knew the vital organs were. Merlin shook his head.
“I’m fine, let’s keep going.”
“No way, you’re exhausted.” Elyan scowled from his horse.
“There’s no point wasting daylight.” Merlin shrugged Leon off. “We need to keep going, sire.”
“You can’t even stay on your horse, Merlin.” Percival pointed out, earning a huff from the servant.
“Merlin can ride double with me.” Lancelot offered. “He can sit in front, in case he falls asleep again.” Arthur was about to make it an order, when he really looked at his Knights.
Leon was wavering on his feet, as he did sometimes during meetings. Lancelot had visible bags under his eyes, and Elyan’s eyes were only half open. Gwaine and Percival were snapping at each other over Merlin and their personal space, clearly restless. And Merlin, well, he couldn’t stay on his horse.
“No.” Arthur replied firmly. “You’re all exhausted. It’s been hours since we left the castle, and it’ll be dark soon. Better to set up camp while we can still see it. Everyone secure your horses. Elyan, Lancelot: see if you can find some food. Gwaine, Percival: we’re going to need firewood. Leon, stay here. Merlin and I will set up camp.”
“Yes, my lord.” Everyone responded in unison, and went off to do what had been instructed of them.
“What am I to do, Sire?” Leon asked once he’d secured his horse.
“Sit down.” Arthur told him. “You look like you’re going to fall over.”
“I can help.”
“You will. But you’ll be sitting down. See if you can start a fire.” Merlin smiled at the First Knight as he created a circle of stone for the fire to sit in. Leon sighed, but sat down anyway, and did his best to start a fire.
By the time the others came back with food and firewood, Leon had successfully managed to get a small fire going in the middle of the circle of stones, while Arthur had scanned the campsite for creatures and moved a few logs over to sit on.
“Excellent. Merlin, do you need assistance with dinner?” Arthur asked. Merlin gawped.
“Why? Are you offering?”
“Of course not, but if you need a Knight, feel free to use one.”
Merlin glared at Arthur, then at the other Knights. Percival, it seemed, had Merlin’s back today.
“Come on, Sire. I’ll teach you how to skin a rabbit.” The gentle giant smirked, leading Arthur closer to the fire by his shoulders.
“Um… No, thank you, Percival.”
“I won’t take no for an answer. It’ll be an honour to teach your highness a survival skill that you may need, in case we get seperated, for example.” Percival took one of the rabbit’s Lancelot and Elyan had caught from Lance, and handed it to Arthur before taking the other.
“…Thanks.” Arthur muttered.
Merlin grinned at Percival, while Lancelot had to physically cover his mouth to keep from laughing. Elyan and Gwaine had doubled over each other, silently laughing but shaking from it all the same. Leon rolled his eyes with a fond smile as he stood to offer his services.
“Do you need any help, Merlin?”
“Not from you! Sit down!”
Everyone ended up helping to make dinner.
Percival and Arthur skinned the rabbits, while Merlin and Elyan prepared the stew. Lancelot and Percival cut the meat into smaller pieces, and Leon was on stirring duty, not that he was very happy about it.
Once dinner was served, the knights fell into comfortable chatter, the atmosphere as warm as the stew in their bowls. Merlin couldn’t help but wonder if this was what having brothers felt like.
After finishing their meal, Elyan helped Merlin to wash up, while the other knights prepared to sleep. They were all laying on their sleep mats by the time they returned. Gwaine stuck his leg out as Elyan passed his mat, successfully tripping the knight and sending him sprawling.
“Hey!” Elyan turned and whacked Gwaine’s arm in retaliation, and Gwaine was about to hit back when Merlin dragged him away by his leg.
“Alright, alright!” Gwaine laughed, batting Merlin off him. Merlin just smirked and helped Elyan up before the two of them parted ways to sleep on their sleep mats.
“I have first watch.” Arthur announced, wanting his knights to get some sleep as soon as possible. “Who’s up for second watch?”
“I am.” Lancelot volunteered, only a second before Elyan said it.
“Alright. Elyan can do third watch. Percival, up for fourth?”
“Yes, sire.”
“Perfect. Gwaine, you’re on fifth. Then we’ll rotate.”
“Wait, what about me?” Leon asked in confusion, Merlin looking equally as confused.
“And me?” Merlin asked.
“You’re both in need of a decent night’s sleep.” Arthur lay down. “Merlin, you fell off your horse, and Leon, you don’t sleep enough as it is.”
“But-“ Both made to protest, but Arthur raised his hand.
“Enough. Sleep.”
Merlin and Leon shared a look as the other Knights, bar Arthur, lay down to sleep. Merlin shrugged, and Leon gave an irritated sigh before laying down, his hand falling to where Sir Tedward sat in his belt. Merlin flopped back onto his mat, which made Arthur grumble.
“Shut up, Merlin.”
Merlin didn’t speak. Not for a minute anyway.
“Goodnight!” He called, and the growl he got from Arthur was completely worth it.
Leon shot up, unaware that he was screaming until a voice beside him shushed him, thought Leon barely heard it over the flapping of raven wings. Strong arms wrapped around him from behind. His brain screamed at him that he was being attacked, and he struggled against the hold until a gentle hand fell on his shoulder.
“Leon, it’s okay! It’s just us! You’re safe, you’re okay.” Lancelot . Leon recognised Lancelot and stopped fighting, but that didn’t stop him hyperventilating.
“Where’s Sir Tedward?!” Percival cried from behind. Ah. So that was who was holding him .
“Here!” Was that Arthur? The King took Leon’s hand and curled his fingers around the bear, watching Leon carefully. The reaction was instantaneous. A gasp escaped the First Knight as those feelings of safety and security that Leon knew he was undeserving of flooded through him, soothing his thoughts.
No. He couldn’t- He didn’t deserve this, not after what he’d done!
With what little strength he could muster, Leon snatched the bear from Arthur’s grip and threw it into the woods with a choked sob, earning cries from everyone around him.
“What the hell, Leon?!” Merlin was quick to push past Lancelot and shake Leon by the shoulders, while Gwaine and Elyan quickly went to find Sir Tedward.
“I can’t!” Leon cried, frantically grabbing onto Percival’s arm as the muscular Knight held him closer, trying to make up for the now missing bear. Tears filled Leon’s eyes, in front of Arthur too! But it hurt so much… And they were his friends… “I can’t!”
“Why can’t you?” Merlin’s voice softened drastically, sensing this was more than just Leon-typical stubbornness. Lancelot knelt down, offering the First Knight a small smile.
“Leon, it’s okay. Why can’t you have Sir Tedward?”
“I don’t deserve to feel safe when everyone else is dead! I should be dead! Why can’t I be dead too?! I want to be dead too!”
“Leon, you don’t mean that…” Merlin whispered, noticing how tense Arthur was becoming next to him. At least now he had some idea of what Leon had dreamt about. “That’s the remnants of your nightmare talking. The druids saved you from certain death when you drank from the Cup of Life because you were the only one still alive , you can’t blame yourself for that.”
Words failed Leon and he turned to hide himself into Percival. Merlin let go of the First Knight, moving back to give him space, while Percival removed his arms from Leon’s waist and instead wrapped them around Leon’s tense frame to pull him close, tucking him under his chin. Leon buried his face further, and Percival got the message, reaching behind himself for his cloak and holding it over Leon like a curtain to hide him from his friends.
“Shh, Leon, it’s alright… You’re alive, there’s no shame in that… I don’t think I could bear losing you too, none of us could.”
As Lancelot whispered to Leon through the curtain in an attempt to calm the First Knight, Arthur took Merlin aside.
“Have I done this to him…?” Arthur whispered, looking distraught. “Have I damaged him so badly that he doesn’t want to live?”
“He’s not damaged, Arthur, and he doesn’t want to die, not really. He’s hurting, he feels that it’s unfair, and he’s learning how to cope. I’d be more concerned if he wasn’t reacting like this. This is good, it’s healthy, and he feels comfortable enough to let Percival and Lancelot comfort him. He’s never done that before, he’s always hidden it or walked off. This is a good thing.”
“But the nightmares-”
“There’s nothing we can do about them, Arthur. Gaius’s draughts can only aid falling asleep, it can’t stop nightmares. All we can do is comfort him, and he needs to allow himself to comfort himself. I don’t know how long he’s been punishing himself over these nightmares, but he definitely hasn’t been allowing himself comfort.”
“Found him!” Gwaine cried, holding Sir Tedward in the air as he ran to Leon’s side. He handed Sir Tedward to Percival, who held him tight so Leon couldn’t throw him again. Instead of handing him to Leon, he held the bear onto Leon’s shoulder and pressed the bear’s fur to Leon’s face, the soft fabric causing the First Knight to shudder.
“You’re safe. You’re allowed to feel safe. There’s nothing wrong with being alive.” Lancelot whispered. Leon slumped against Percival then, almost knocking the muscular Knight over, but Percival caught himself and tightened his hold on Leon.
“Merlin-” Arthur looked panicked, but Merlin was quick to reassure him.
“This is good.” Merlin reminded him as Elyan pulled at Gwaine’s arm, pulling him away from the scene. “He’s letting Percival see him vulnerable, that’s a huge step.”
“And Sir Tedward? Is he helping?”
“I think… I think our support and understanding with Sir Tedward is strengthening that brotherly bond. Not only is Leon slowly accepting the bear, but he’s accepting us too.” Merlin smiled. “I think Knighting the bear was one of your better ideas.”
Merlin and Arthur watched as Leon pushed at Percival’s arm, the one holding up the cape, and pushed it aside so Lancelot could see him. Lancelot smiled at Leon, offering him a hand, which Leon took and held tight like a lost child.
“Hey, there, you doing okay?” Lancelot asked softly. Merlin and Arthur couldn’t see Leon’s response, but they assumed he’d nodded when Lancelot said “That’s great, you’re doing great.”
“This is good?” Arthur asked, eyes never leaving his Knights. Merlin nodded.
“This is good.”
“He’s nearly asleep…” Lancelot whispered to Merlin as he brushed the back of his hand over the right side of Leon’s face. Leon’s eyes flickered open briefly as he fought against the sleep he so desperately needed, so Lancelot continued the stroking motion.
The First Knight’s head rested against Percival’s shoulder as the gentle giant held Leon close, holding Sir Tedward in Leon’s hand with his own larger one, gently brushing his thumb over the back of Leon’s hand. Percival’s cloak, previously used as a curtain, was now draped over the First Knight as a blanket.
Arthur knelt down beside his friend, placing his hand over Leon’s and Percival’s. Leon blinked at him sleepily, clearly exhausted.
“It’s alright, old friend… You’ve done your duty, you’ve done all you can. Rest now.”
“Sire…”
“Please, Leon. Rest. It’ll be okay.”
That was all the permission Leon needed. He nuzzled closer to Percival, closed his eyes, and allowed the soft touches from his friends to lull him to sleep. Once Percival was sure Leon was asleep, he spoke up.
“That was horrible.”
“I agree.” Arthur stood to move to Merlin’s side. “But it’s a good thing. Right, Merlin?”
“Right. This is the first time he’s allowed us to comfort him after a nightmare instead of going off on his own or hiding it. Even if Sir Tedward didn’t work, Percival and Lancelot did. Leon reacting the way he did is healthy, no matter how hard it is to witness. The more he bottles his emotions, the worse off he’ll become, if it’s not already too late…”
“What do you mean?” Gwaine asked, watching as Percival lowered himself and Leon until they were both laying on Percival's sleep mat, Percival curled around Leon. Lancelot joined them, laying next to Leon as though to protect him from the other side. Elyan watched them all carefully.
“In some cases… Well…” Merlin turned to Arthur. “Gaius says people who experience severe trauma can become so sad for so long that they simply never recover.”
“Is that what happened to Morgana…?” Arthur asked.
“I think so… On top of her nightmares, Uther’s lack of acceptance, and keeping her magic secret, I think her heart was broken too many times…” Merlin knew he’d been the tipping point, that he’d driven her to the darkness. “Leon… may already be at that point, given everything he’s been through.”
“He can’t be.” Gwaine shook his head. “He jokes with us and laughs with us. He wouldn’t do that if he were that sad, would he?”
“Leon doesn’t like telling other’s if he’s sick.” Merlin explained. “He hides his symptoms until he cannot any longer, then seeks out medical help in fear of anyone else finding out he’s ill. If he is at the point where it’s hard to be happy, then he’d hide it.”
“But we can do something for him, right?” Elyan asked. Merlin nodded.
“We don’t know if he is at that point. Gaius can assess him when we return to Camelot, but until then, don’t treat him any different. Just… offer support, joke with him, and if he talks about tonight, let him, just don’t bring it up.”
“Aw, so we can’t talk about this adorable cuddle?” Gwaine smirked, indicating to where Percival lay, now asleep, with Leon pulled to his chest protectively. Lancelot cuddled them both from behind, also asleep. Arthur smiled, and Merlin stifled a laugh.
“No, you can’t mention the adorable cuddle.”
“Shame. Merlin, wanna cuddle?” Gwaine asked. Merlin shrugged.
“Sure, it’s kinda cold, why not?”
The next morning, Merlin was the first to awaken. He blamed Gaius and Arthur for always getting him up in the early hours. He sighed, allowing himself to nuzzle into his pillow and catch a few extra minutes of sleep. That was, until his pillow sniffled.
Oh, right… Gwaine… So he wasn’t the first to awaken.
Wait, why was Gwaine sniffling?
“Gwaine?” Merlin asked, not moving. Another sniffle.
“Yeah?” Gwaine’s voice was thick with… what was that? Merlin sat up, his eyes widening when he noticed the tears in Gwaine’s eyes.
“Hey, what’s wrong…?” Merlin whispered, trying not to wake anyone. But Gwaine just shook his head. He opened his mouth, probably to say ‘nothing’ or ‘I’m fine’, which Merlin quickly decided he wasn’t going to tolerate. He stood quickly, reaching down to help Gwaine up, before pulling him deeper into the trees: Far enough that they were private, but close enough to hear if anyone called for them from camp.
“What’s going on?” Merlin questioned again, and Gwaine wiped his eyes with the back of his wrist.
“This… eternal sadness you talked about? Is there really no cure?”
“Well… Not that we know of… But there’s lots we can do to help. Leon will be okay… Unless it’s not Leon you’re worried about…?” Merlin pushed, and Gwaine swallowed thickly. “What’s going on?”
“I was thinking… last night…” Gwaine whispered. “And I can’t remember a time where I was happy when I wasn’t intoxicated…” Gwaine’s bottom lip trembled and Merlin quickly pulled his friend close, hugging him tight as the Knight broke down against him.
“Hey… it’s okay. That’s okay. I’m here, you’ll be alright.” Merlin soothed as he rubbed his back. “Have you slept at all?” Gwaine shook his head against Merlin’s shoulder. “If you want to go back to Camelot, I’m sure Arthur won’t mind.” Gwaine shook his head again, more vigorously this time.
“Surprised he even keeps me around. I’m only good for emptying a Tavern.” Gwaine laughed, and Merlin wasn’t having that. He pulled away, holding Gwaine’s shoulders at arm’s length and glared at him.
“Don’t you dare.”
“But-”
“No. You’re one of my best friends. You’re one of Arthur’s best Knights. You are our Strength, and only now do I realise what the gatekeeper truly meant by that. You are our Fun. You can drink everyone under the table and still fight off an army. Your ability to flirt with anything that breathes is unmatched. You bring us to tears of laughter in the most dire situations. Gwaine, we cannot be without you.”
“Nothing would change without me.” Gwaine choked, and Merlin suddenly realised the severity of the situation.
“ Everything would change without you.” Merlin whispered, pulling him close again. “ I’d change without you…”
“You’d cope.”
“Everyone copes, because they have no other option, but nobody wants to be in a situation where they have to cope. And I don’t want to be in a situation where you don’t exist.”
“…Better tell Morgana to please not kill me then, eh?” Gwaine joked. Merlin forced a laugh, despite the fact his heart was shattering in his chest.
“Yeah. Better do that. We can ask Gaius to assess you once we get back to Camelot, if you want?” Merlin offered.
“Yeah… Maybe.”
Once Gwaine had calmed down and made Merlin promise not to tell anyone, they made their way back to camp. Percival had woken, but hadn’t dared to move with Leon curled up in his hold, and Lancelot holding them both from behind Leon. Merlin smiled.
“Can you even feel your arms?”
“No.” Percival whispered, indicating to Leon with his eyes. “Don’t you dare tell him, or he’ll never let me hug him again.”
“How was he?”
“Mostly slept soundly.” Percival smiled. “He had another nightmare though.” Percival recalled waking in the night to Leon twitching and muttering in his sleep. He’d held the First Knight until he awoke in panic, before taking his face in his hands and whispering over and over that Leon was safe. Eventually, after pushing their foreheads together and matching their breathing, Leon and Percival had fallen asleep again. “He didn’t get as upset. Just panicked a bit at first, then fell asleep.”
Lancelot stirred, blinking his eyes open and frowning in confusion, until he remembered what had happened the night before and who he was cuddling. He stilled, like Percival had.
“Two nightmares in one night?” Arthur made his own awakening known. “Is that normal?”
“It can be, especially when he’s been through so much trauma.”
“Trauma?” Arthur blinked, unfamiliar with the term. “You said that last night too. Trauma.”
“A traumatic event is an experience that is so distressing it affects someone emotionally and mentally.” Merlin explained. “Sometimes people struggle to stop thinking about it, or something can remind them of it and they can have extreme emotional reactions, such as Leon’s nightmare last night. He had an extreme reaction to something that already happened: surviving the massacre where he was made to drink from the cup of life.”
“Because that event distressed him so much?” Gwaine asked, as Elyan stirred from the noise.
“Among other events, yes.”
“Does… anyone else have any traumatic events?” Arthur asked, looking around.
“I, um… find it hard to breathe when I think about when I was a shade…” Lancelot confessed. “I don’t… I don’t want to be forced to hurt anyone again.”
“We have you back, Lancelot.” Arthur reassured him. “I’m sorry that happened. We have you now, and we won’t let Morgana hurt you again if we can help it.”
“Thank you, Sire…”
“My village…” Percival whispered. “My family… Cenred’s immortal army took everything. I lost everything because of Morgana. I couldn’t save them.”
“I’m so sorry…” Arthur bowed respectfully. “They would be so proud of who you’ve become.” Percival just nodded, unable to speak further. Lancelot reached up, squeezing Percival’s shoulder, and Percival returned the gesture.
“The boy… from the shrine. I think about him more than I feel I should…” Elyan spoke up. “He’s only one of many…”
“I know, I’m so sorry for what happened there… I know it’s only a little comfort, but we were at least able to bring him peace.”
“I’m glad.” Elyan forced a smile.
“I, um…” Gwaine started, but one look at Arthur had him shaking his head and making a dismissive gesture.
“Go on.” Arthur encouraged, and Gwaine scoffed.
“Nothing, Sire.”
“Don’t push them, Sire.” Merlin whispered. “If he isn’t ready, he isn’t ready. You can’t force it.”
Arthur turned to Merlin then, a sad look on his face.
“And you? Any… traumatic events?”
Where do you want me to start? Merlin thought, and if Arthur and the Knights knew about his magic, maybe he’d tell them, but they didn’t know, so he didn’t tell.
“No, sire. What about you?”
“No.” Arthur snapped, a little too quickly, but Merlin knew better than to press on. He opened his mouth to continue when Leon sat upright, his hand reaching for his belt, only to find his sword wasn’t there.
“Easy, it’s just Percival and Lancelot.” Merlin assured the First Knight, who looked back at them and relaxed a little.
“I thought-”
“I know. It’s okay.” Arthur nodded. “But we have to keep moving.”
“Yes, Sire.
It turned out that Leon’s suspicions had been correct, and the witnesses who’d reported seeing Morgana had actually led them into a trap. Morgana’s men fought bravely, but they were no match for Arthur’s Knights, who defeated them once it became clear none of them knew of Morgana’s whereabouts.
The knights stood around the fallen with only a few scrapes to add to their collections of battle wounds.
“Well… that was a wasted journey.” Gwaine tossed his hair back and slid his sword into his belt. Arthur shook his head.
“No, I don’t think it was. Not only can we cross this place off our list, but I’ve learnt a lot on this journey that will better me.” Arthur told them. “I understand that you all could benefit from some help against a trauma.”
Merlin snorted when Arthur referred to trauma like it was a singular thing, but didn’t correct him.
“And we know Leon is very diffi- Um. Very reactive in the middle of the night.” Arthur realised too late he’d ignored Merlin’s advice of not mentioning that night, and not making inappropriate jokes.
“Am I?” Leon blinked, turning to Arthur, who stumbled over his words.
“I- well… You weren’t any trouble, e-except for throwing Sir Tedward into the woods.” Arthur joked, knowing he was treading on thin ice with his joking, but trying to make up for mentioning the events. Leon winced.
“Yes, I remember that bit…” Then he paused, recalling the previous night. “Oh, god, how can any of you stand to look at me? I- Percival, you-”
“It’s alright.” Percival assured him, placing a hand on the First Knight’s shoulder. “You make an excellent blanket.”
“And you shielded the sun from my face in the morning.” Lancelot beamed.
“Who needs a bed when you have a Leon?” Gwaine added.
“And who needs a pillow when you have a Gwaine?” Merlin retorted with a laugh. “Truth be told, that may have been the best night of sleep I’ve had since leaving Ealdor.”
“You’ve never asked me to be your pillow.” Lancelot frowned at Merlin, who shrugged.
“Never thought to ask. Wanna be my pillow tonight?”
“Depends, does Leon need another blanket?”
“No, no, you two… Do whatever.” Leon grimaced, as though offended by the offer. Lancelot smiled sadly, knowing Leon was just uncertain about physical contact. He hadn’t been in his right mind the night before, and had he been, he probably wouldn’t have let Percival so close.
“Ah, does that mean I get Leon tonight?” Gwaine asked with a grin. Leon frowned at him.
“I am not a child, I can sleep unaided.”
“Sure you can.” Gwaine smirked. “Just know you have a whole selection of human pillows and blankets whenever you need them.”
Merlin smiled when Leon didn’t retort to that. They were making progress.