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Hyungwon knew. When he woke up that morning, a sense of dread weighed over him, binding him to the bed. It wasn’t going to be worth moving anyways- not when he had to conserve every ounce of energy his frail body held. He wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to punch holes into the weak walls of the shelter they were in because it was so unfair. Instead he did nothing but lay there, immobile on the sunken-in mattress as he stared at the white ceiling above them.
He should wake up Minhyuk. A quick glance over confirmed the older male was still sound asleep beside him, his back facing his direction. But what was the worth in doing so? What could the other do that he couldn’t? It didn’t matter anyways, his options were limited and he didn’t want any help.
Hyungwon didn’t want to fight anymore. Didn’t want to feel the fatigue of his body failing to defend him as his immune system diminished, or the way he struggled to balance and walk long distances, or the way his bones and joints yelled in pain during every waking hour, or the way he felt so brittle and weak. He didn’t want to fight anymore. So he didn’t wake Minhyuk up. Not as he felt the weight grow heavier in his limbs. Not as he felt the tingling pressure in his head. Still not as he felt prickling heat across his skin. Maybe, if he was lucky, it would all be over before Minhyuk even woke up- that way his best friend wouldn’t have to watch as the life faded from his eyes while the pain weighed him to the shitty mattress they shared, rendering him helpless.
But as proven before many times, life wasn’t fair. Not to him, not to Minhyuk, not to any of them. So of course the older male slowly stirred in his sleep, turning around to seek the warmth he and Hyungwon shared each morning, and shuffled closer to groggily throw an arm over him. And while Hyungwon held his breath and tried his best not to wake him, the contact of his arm hitting his abdomen elicited a sharp, pained yell. The sensation of what felt like hot needles penetrating deep into his skin spread from the point of contact, flushing over his body like a wave and pulling tears to his eyes as he gasped for air. Life was never fair, and Minhyuk instantly jolted into a sitting up position, his hair tufting out in various directions from his sleep and his eyes blinking in their classic uneven pattern as he panicked to wake himself up. The younger would’ve found it endearing if he wasn’t on his deathbed.
“Hyungwon, what happened,” he asked, his voice rough and deep from his slumber as he raised a hand to brush his fluffed hair from his face. Hyungwon didn’t answer, though. Because he couldn’t waste his breath anymore. He was taking in short heaves of air, only to push them out before being able to fill his lungs because the stretch it caused was too painful. The older male didn’t need his response anyways, though, because he was already jumping out of the bed and throwing the large blanket off of them as he muttered several curses under his breath, panic evident.
“You’re okay, it’s going to be okay, shit-,“ he continued to mumble, and Hyungwon knew the words were directed at him, but it sounded more like Minhyuk was trying to comfort himself as he ran around to his side of the bed.
“Stop.” Hyungwon forced out, his voice sounding hoarse and strangled. He wanted to comfort his best friend, to tell him it’s okay, he didn’t mind dying like this. But his lungs burned, his entire figure burned, and every bit of additional effort aside from his body keeping him alive sent another wave of pain scalding across his skin and pounding in his skull. His mouth opened in a soundless cry, his eyes tightly shut as his muscles seized and twitched.
“It’s okay, Hyungwon, let me help you please,” his best friend pleaded, and it was so cruel. He hadn’t even worried about dealing with his heat in almost three years because they stopped. His hormones were fucked from the drugs, so his body wasn’t supposed to be capable of having one anyways. Of course it wasn’t a concern he had to have. His body was weak and frail and fading away, but this was supposed to at least be one sense of relief because he’d never have another. Why was he having another?
“I have to get you undressed or you’ll overheat, I’m so sorry.” Minhyuk spoke gently as he carefully grabbed the hem of the younger’s t-shirt. Hyungwon tried to shake his head in protest despite how heavy it felt, but Minhyuk wouldn’t let him die like this. He couldn’t let him die this way. So through sorry eyes, he pulled the shirt up and weaved it over Hyungwon’s head. The younger male let out a pained sob, throwing his head bad as soon as it was freed from the collar of his shirt, and continued his aching cries as Minhyuk had to maneuver his arms out the sleeves.
“Please,” Hyungwon whispered, his chest rising and falling in quick, sharp intervals as he struggled to catch his breath. His chest felt heavy, as if he couldn’t get enough air in. He couldn’t get his lungs to expand enough without the feeling of pain shattering across his sternum and forcing out what little air he could get in. Watching this put Minhyuk into a panic, evident by how wide and terrified his eyes were. Hyungwon couldn’t tell, too occupied with trying not to suffocate, but the older was crying. Helpless tears stained his cheeks as his gaze darted across his dying best friend’s body, cursing himself for not knowing what to do.
“Hyungwon, breathe, please,” he muttered out, his own breath hiccuping with his quiet cries as he kneeled next to the bed to be level with Hyungwon. “I need you to breathe for me,” he hiccuped again, “just breathe long enough while I figure out what to do.”
And it was cruel, in the most unfair way. Because why was Hyungwon’s body forcing itself through a heat that it knew it couldn’t take. After so long without one, why now. Of course it would come back with a vengeance, attacking every inch of his being with an unfed wrath because of how long it had been since his last. And of course his body would be too fragile to handle it, after the years of drug abuse against his will that forced his body to go against what was natural for it to do.
“I can’t-“ Hyungwon tried to reply between his painful gasps, but Minhyuk stopped him.
“Don’t waste your breath, please Hyungwon,” he begged, carefully brushing the younger’s hair back as it tried to stick to the sweat dripping from his forehead. “I need you alive, I’m selfish and- and I need you here with me” he sputtered a bit frantically. Minhyuk wasn’t stupid, he knew Hyungwon didn’t want to fight, didn’t want to force his body to battle this out. When he made Minhyuk promise him, a little over a year ago while they laid cuddled on the mattress after a long day, “if I’m dying, tell me now that you won’t try to save me, because it will be futile”, of course he only laughed and rolled his eyes, jokingly agreeing “yeah, okay”. Because there wasn’t supposed to be a scenario where that would happen. Minhyuk told him so himself that night, “I’d never let you get to that point anyways, I need you too badly”, and Hyungwon laughed heartily because he knew it was true. But now Hyungwon was fighting to fill his lungs, his body tense and muscles twitching as sweat collected and dripped across his skin.
Minhyuk had watched over the years how his best friend slowly slipped through his fingertips. When he was forced to start that damned trial drug, Hyungwon would only roll his eyes and chuckle at Minhyuk’s concern for him in the beginning. Because the drug was supposed to be helpful and give him a normal life. It was supposed to work with his hormones to make it impossible to tell he was omega, to make him exactly like every regular human who got to walk freely without fear.
Of course Hyungwon was enthusiastic to try, his dysphoria for what he is was enough fuel to erase any concerns he might have had as he bound himself to the drug trial by contract. It was supposed to get rid of that “sickening” omega smell, and stop his body’s need for heats, and give him a more traditional masculine form. It wasn’t supposed to cause his ovaries to permanently shut down and slingshot him into menopause, it wasn’t supposed to cause clots in his scent glands and make them burst beyond repair, it wasn’t supposed to keep him awake for days, it wasn’t supposed to effect his memory and leave his brain fogged. But it did. And Minhyuk had to helplessly watch from the sidelines as his best friend lost his independence while still being forced to continue the trial drug for further research.
“Hyungwon, I have to get Hoseok.” Minhyuk spoke in an almost monotone voice, seeming to be speaking his thought process rather than communicating an actual plan. Because all he knew was that if Hyungwon couldn’t actually survive this, if he would truly suffocate here on this dirty old mattress, then his boyfriend needed to be here too. But Hyungwon detested the idea. He didn’t want Minhyuk to watch him take his last breath, much less the love of his life as well. He just wanted to be alone.
“Leave,” he managed to voice in a whisper, his breathing seeming to calm down a little but still making him feel as if he was drowning in the prickling heat that threatened to strangle him if he missed a single gasp for air. Minhyuk nodded, standing up quickly and taking a deep breath to collect himself.
“I won’t be long, I promise I’ll run and grab him and we’ll be back quick-“ he rambled, but stopped when Hyungwon shook his head almost frantically, causing a wave of nausea to wash over him.
“Leave me alone,” he managed out in a quiet breath, “please.” he added desperately as he felt his own purposeless tears streak down his cheeks. He hadn’t even realized he was crying, too focused with staying alive long enough to get rid of Minhyuk, but now that he finally opened his eyes again to look up at his best friend, he could tell his vision was blurred by the buildup of liquid.
“I can’t leave you,” Minhyuk whined as his own tears made him choke back a sob. He hadn’t thought anything could be as heartbreaking as watching his best friend’s health decline out of his control the past several years, but this- this was shattering his soul beyond repair. Because he knew Hyungwon had his best interest in mind. He knew himself that his heat would progress, and he probably wasn’t going to make it. And having to watch his joy, his closest friend, his sense of safety and security, fight for his last breath was going to destroy him. But he couldn’t leave him to die alone, he couldn’t let him die without at least having tried. So before Hyungwon could waste another breath in protest, he ran. Ran out of their room without bothering to close the door behind him, ran down the stairs to the first story, and nearly fell as he pivoted harshly and burst open Hoseok’s door.
Meanwhile, Hyungwon sobbed, because it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. He didn’t want an audience of the people who mattered the most to watch as he made pathetic attempts to stay alive like a fish out of water. He didn’t want their last memory of him to be watching him unable to move, body seized in position as he suffered a painful death. So despite how his body protested, he rolled over and tried to throw a leg off the bed to make contact with the concrete floor below him. Every movement, every strain of his muscles, every brush of the mattress against his skin, forced a pitiful cry from his throat as the sensation of hot needles piercing his skin continued to spread deeper.
He didn’t have much time, so instead of fighting to stand he simply threw himself to the floor- which he should’ve considered more in his state of panic. Because his body making contact with the cold, hard floor forced all the air from his lungs in a throat-tearing wail, and suddenly he didn’t think suicide would be necessary anymore. Because this might’ve been enough to push his body past its breaking point, no extra work needed. But because life is cruel and unfair, he instinctively still took in a heaving breath in that made his chest feel like it was cracking open as it stretched his diaphragm, immediately prompting his body to cough up what little food he had eaten the night before as he vomited. He struggled to catch his breath, the pain and lingering taste of stomach acid causing more pathetic cries to force their way through his lips as he tried to push himself up.
“Hyungwon!” he heard Minhyuk yell, and the devastation in his voice made him simply give up and allow himself to roll back onto the harsh floor with a weak huff and more tears.
“Fuck, Minhyuk, how long has he been like this?” Hoseok asked frantically, and it was hardly a second before he felt his boyfriend’s hands carefully try to lift his deadweight from the concrete ground. It should’ve been comforting, something Hyungwon should’ve melted into, because the touch of his lover was something he had always cherished. Every brush of his fingertips, the way Hoseok could communicate his love with the simple touch of his hand, how Hyungwon loved being able to feel the smile on his lips when they’d kiss. He never thought he could hate it, but right now he despised it.
“I woke up only a few minutes ago and he wasn’t looking good,” he heard Minhyuk say, “he’s just getting worse, i don’t know what to do,” he continued, and the way his voice cracked as he cried was heart wrenching.
“He’s drenched in sweat, we have to get his pants off and keep him from overheating.” Hoseok spoke firmly, and if someone wasn’t familiar with him they’d think he was collected and fine, but he was in a panic.
Feeling Hyungwon’s trembling, frail body in his arms made him want to scream at the gods for help, because while his lover’s death was a concept he was familiar with and they’d discussed, the actuality of it happening was something he would never be ready for. So despite how painful he knew it would be, he carefully placed him on the bed and made Minhyuk help him in removing the fleece pants he wore. Hyungwon writhed on the mattress, and they both knew the fabric sliding over his sensitive skin joined by the manipulating of his legs to remove them was agonizing, but they had to be quick before things got worse.
“Please” Hyungwon wailed, his voice scratchy and choked back as he fought for air, and Hoseok didn’t need him to clarify to know he was asking to just be left to die. That’s what broke him and caused the tears to finally prick at his eyes.
“Baby, I can’t,” Hoseok pleaded, “you’re gonna be okay, I’m here now.” He tried to comfort him and reached to brush the younger’s hair back, but Hyungwon turned his head away from him. He felt a subtle sense of betrayal from the two, because they weren’t supposed to try and keep him alive. He told them not to, yet here they were, and he couldn’t even blame them despite how much he hated it. Because if it was Minhyuk or Hoseok in this same position, Hyungwon would be doing exactly what they were.
“Leave.” he protested, but Hoseok shook his head and leaned down towards him, causing Hyungwon to attempt to thrash away from him and resulting in more broken yells.
“Minhyuk, go get as much water as you can,” he ordered sternly before grabbing Hyungwon’s wrists and wrestling with him. He knew this hurt the younger, he didn’t need to hear the loud, strangled sobs to know that, but if he couldn’t get him to calm down and stay still, he’d lose him sooner than necessary. So despite Hyungwon weakly trying to free himself and writhe away, he pulled him to his chest and forced his arms to cross in front of him, then wrapping his own legs over the younger’s to keep him from kicking.
While this finally made Hyungwon immobile, it forced Hoseok to feel the shaking in his chest as he gulped for air, forced him to feel the heat radiating off his skin and the resulting sweat, it forced him to realize how tense his muscles were, and he knew the timer over his head was getting dangerously close to its end. He heard Minhyuk’s hurried footsteps and looked up at the door as he rounded the corner with several chilled water bottles in his hands, forcing a small sigh of relief to slip past his lips.
“Make him drink, I don’t care how,” he instructed, and Minhyuk didn’t waste any time climbing onto the mattress as he opened one of the bottles. Hyungwon already had his head turned away and his lips pressed together, but the adrenaline that rushed through the older male’s veins was enough to prompt him to grab him by the jaw and force his mouth open. Hoseok wanted to yell at him for not being gentle, but they all knew that Hyungwon was past the point of being gentle with anyways.
“Wonnie, please, just one sip.” Minhyuk begged as he pressed the top of the bottle against his lower lip. And while Hyungwon wanted so desperately to fight, he couldn’t. He was bound in place by his lover, his head held up by his best friend’s strong grip, and cracking open his eyes to meet Minhyuk’s broken and desperate ones was enough of a bargain to get him to swallow a gulp of water. His eyes rolled back and he hissed, the coolness of it felt as if it was burning its way down his throat, and he struggled a bit against the hold of the other two out of discomfort.
“You’re such a good boy, I know it hurts, I’m so sorry,” Hoseok praised next to his ear apologetically, “give me one more sip please, just one more and I’ll let you go.” he pleaded. He knew his lover was already dehydrated- the amount of sweat covering his skin was evidence enough without also considering the puddle of vomit on the floor, but Hyungwon shook his head no.
“It hurts” he whined weakly, and the way his voice sounded so shallow, so far away, was terrifying. Minhyuk must’ve heard it too, because it didn’t take but a few seconds for him to have grabbed Hyungwon by the jaw again to force more water into his mouth. The younger male tried to cry, tried to protest more, but he was forced to swallow against his will so he wouldn’t drown himself. It caused a weak series of coughs to push its way out of his chest, and he heard Hoseok yell something quick at Minhyuk in a panic over it, but the pain pulsing through his veins was deafening in that moment. With each choke, the pressure of his building migraine felt as if it was threatening to burst through his skull. When he finally was able to get a gasp of air in, he felt even more defeated and as if his throat was threatening to cave in on itself. He tried to open his eyes and look at the male in front of him, but the dizziness in his head prevented him from being able to focus, and his eyes darted back and forth despite how hard he tried to keep them still, so he instead let his eyes flutter closed and his head fall back against his lovers chest.
“Hoseok- fuck, he’s dying.” Minhyuk weeped frantically as he grabbed his best friend’s face in the palms of his hands, trying to gently shake him awake. But Hyungwon couldn’t open his eyes again, it was too nauseating to try focusing when he knew it was futile. The overwhelming vertigo was made worse by the efforts of his best friend, the pressure against his forehead increasing and the sickness warning him of the bile wanting to climb up his throat once more. He was too scared to attempt to speak, so instead he let out a strained croak as his body trembled.
“Take the water and pour it on him to cool him off, but carefully,” Hoseok quickly instructed, making sure to put emphasis on the last word. He untangled his limbs from his lover’s, already knowing he was beyond the point of being able to fight now, and cautiously propped his head up on a pillow. Hyungwon opened his mouth in a beseeching cry, but only a strangled gasp was able to make its way past his lips. He wanted to beg for mercy, to look the other two in the eyes and show them how miserable he is and has been. Every unnecessary movement sent shocks of blistering pain rippling over him, all the ineffectual actions the other two took simply dragged out his suffering. He didn’t know if he could do this much longer, the prolonging of the inevitable only making things more painful for him and fueling the denial of the others.
Despite Hyungwon thinking they don’t know, they do. Hoseok knew it as soon as he saw his lover looking more broken than ever on the concrete floor next to the bed. This was all futile and he was more aware than Minhyuk was, watching as the younger man carefully poured some of the cool water over Hyungwon’s chest and pressed his palm against him when he jerked up to twist in pain. There were no more sounds able to echo from his aching throat, his lungs couldn’t support utilizing that much air by this point. Every empty heave trembled in his chest and his lungs ached as they attempted to continue fueling oxygen to his body, but to no avail. He couldn’t feel his hands or feet anymore, his fingers curled up and locked in a contorted fist as if his body was trying to shrink into itself. He was dizzy, still couldn’t focus his eyes or keep them still.
“Minhyuk,” Hoseok mumbled, blindly reaching over for the other male while he kept his eyes locked on his lover. The younger shook his head, muttering a series of “no”s and “he’ll be fine, just watch” and still pouring more of the water in hopes to cool the other male’s body temperature, but Hoseok finally snapped and harshly grabbed him by the wrist. “It’s okay, we- we have to let him go” he faltered, saying the words he already knew put an entirely new gravity to them, shattering the fake optimism he’d somehow managed to convince himself to believe somewhere along the way.
He remembered when he met Hyungwon, so many years ago. The younger was so determined, so full of life, and it drew Hoseok in like a moth to a lantern. He was infatuated, and it didn’t take long for he and Hyungwon to become equally obsessed with each other. The boy had set a boundary that he would continue to live with Minhyuk, because the bond they shared was irreplaceable, and that was okay. Because they spent every extra hour bound to each other - eating together, shopping together, resting together. They’d spent many lazy days in a tangle of limbs, expressing their love with a stroke of a cheek, or carding their fingers through the other’s hair.
When his health started to decline, he never left Hyungwon’s side. He was there to hold him as he cried, shaking with the grief of losing his body. He was there to sit in the tub with him, shampooing his hair for him and massaging his aching shoulders. He was patient when he struggled with brain fog, and would remind him of things as many times as he needed. Because Hyungwon didn’t deserve what was happening to him, and the frustration he felt towards the situation would never be directed at the innocent younger. He’d never tell him how his heart ached at the loss of his lover’s sweet scent, or how he cried alone in his room at night because he felt so powerless, or how it devastated him to watch the same liveliness he once loved slowly fade from the younger male’s demeanor.
Hoseok could remember the fear from Hyungwon’s last heat, too. The male assuming what he felt was the onset of another typical hot flash and deciding to run a cool bath, leaving a napping Hoseok alone on the mattress. When he woke up by himself, nothing could compare to the terror he felt when he saw his boyfriend too weak to get out of the tub, nearly drowning as he struggled to stay sitting up. They thought that would be the last one, the doctors confirming it and saying it wasn’t likely his body could support having another. He talked with Hoseok, and said if for any reason he did have another heat, let whatever happens, happen. And despite how much he wants to scream in protest, he knows all too well that his boyfriend’s young, unstable body couldn’t win this fight.
So he did all he could do, and laid next to Hyungwon, gently cradling him against his chest to give him the comfort he deserves, although knowing it isn’t much. His heart broke more with the sound of each quivering breath, so quiet and empty now that it was hard to catch without looking for the slight raise in his chest.
“You can let go, Hyungwon,” he whispered, trying to blink away his selfish tears so he could see properly. “I’m so proud of you, just relax now,” he choked out, feeling the harsh burn in his throat as he tried to hold back his own sobs. He could see Minhyuk’s hand enter his vision, coming to rake his fingers softly through Hyungwon’s hair and brush it out of his sweaty face. He knows the other male is equally not okay, but right now he can’t be bothered to comfort him. Not when he was busy watching his lover’s last moments, because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he wasted even a second.
And so it happened like that. The widespread pain that previously overwhelmed Hyungwon was now only centered on the aching migraine that beat at the inside of his skull and the burning of his lungs and throat as they worked harder than ever before in his life, only to earn pitifully small gulps of air. It was almost relieving to feel nearly numbed everywhere else, finally feeling freed from the debilitating torture that previously overwhelmed him. Now, he could actually find comfort in being held in Hoseok’s arms like he always had before. Because even as the furious pounding in his brain made his ears ring and deafen him, he didn’t need to hear anything else that may be said. As long as he was still able to faintly perceive his lover‘s arms draped over him, he could find serenity.
It was strange- death. All of his life, he was told how scary the concept of it was, how terrifying it must be to experience. But right now, he couldn’t have felt more comfortable. His body felt as if it was floating in a limbo, probably on the fine line between life and death. He swore he could see himself in third person, his curled up body laying in the middle of darkness all alone, yet he could still feel the distant weight of Hoseok holding him and Minhyuk’s fingers massaging his scalp. The pain and fear was gone, the numbness had taken over and he felt a new sense of weightlessness. It was relieving- being able to let go and not worry about taking in enough air with his next breath, or the pain that weighed him down and left him immobile. It was finally over, he was finally free.
Once he felt the air leave Hyungwon’s lungs without attempting to inhale once more, all Hoseok could do was break. His tears flooded from him as he held his lover’s lifeless body impossibly close to his chest, sobbing repeatedly how sorry he was.