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It’s been a few years since Dexter had had to kill his best friend.
The loneliness that had come with it had been crushing, but not unexpected. He’d caught a glimpse of this future when he’d first realised that they would not find Valkyrie in time, when he’d realised that Saracen would not be saved.
It had broken his heart then. Imagine what it was doing to him now.
After he’d been so close to taking himself out, he’d decided to start trying to find someone new. Not a replacement, never a replacement, but maybe someone who could fill the void for just a little bit. Someone who could break the silence.
It had worked the first time, but they kept leaving. Said they didn’t feel like he was focusing on them, and that he was depressing to be around. This had sent him into another spiral, which had almost caused him to try ending it again, just to see if that could help. If the silence and cold of death would be better than that of guilt and self made loneliness.
But then someone new appeared.
He was kind, patient, and seemed to understand how difficult life was.
It lasted a while. And it was nice.
But all good things must come to an end.
And so it ended.
This new light that had appeared, blinked out.
And Dexter found himself alone again.
During all of this, the nightmares had been plaguing him. This too was not entirely unexpected, as being put in a position such as the one he had found himself in that day, one where he was forced to put a gun to his best friend of several centuries’ head, and pull the trigger, was certainly something that he would not forget, and such an action would of course need its penance.
Do you know that he hadn’t been able to look Saracen in the eyes when he had done it?
They had been walking in the woods of that strange dimension, Dexter with a gun in hand, and Saracen taking his last breaths of air on a world that wasn’t theirs. Saracen had started to turn around to say something.
“Hey, Vex, mind if I tell you something?”
And oh. There it goes.
A shot right to the back of the head.
Dexter hadn’t been able to bear the thought that he might hear something he had wished for all these years at the very moment they would be separated forever. Even before when they had argued, those arguments seeming like such a waste of their limited time when he thought back, even then, they knew the other was still out there, and that they would cross paths again one day.
And so, he had silenced the man he loved, so he would not know that he was loved back.
For how could Saracen love his killer?
How could Saracen love someone that would rather he die than let him tell them the feelings he’d bottled up for years?
Dexter felt like he knew. Somewhere inside. But he would not let that confirmation be given.
Because if it was
How would he ever have been able to fire?
——
Dexter woke up drenched in sweat, as he did on so many nights.
Same old nightmare.
Same old gun.
Same old man.
A man who would never grow any older.
But Dexter would grow older. And throughout his elongated life he would be forced to live with what he had done.
He would relive it every night, and feel the consequences every day.
He gasped a few breaths and looked towards the clock.
Two in the morning. He’d slept more than usual.
He curled into himself and began shivering, the now familiar cavern opening up inside, even as he tried to hold himself together.
But again he broke apart, and the tears fell, as they did.
Every night.
He cried for the words that he never let be said, for the lost years, and he shed a tear for each night since that day.
In short, the tears might as well have never stopped. And more would come each night that passed, the hours and minutes adding up until one day he would completely have had enough.
But only then would he let himself feel rest, and chance a reunion with the only one that mattered . He knew he’d had no choice, but that did not make it better.
As he lay there on his own, a knocking sounded at his door.
Perhaps a neighbour? No doubt someone he had no time for. Not that he was short of time, as far as he knew, but the ticking clock had followed him, reminding him of all the time Saracen missed
With
Each
Second.
More knocking, and then the creak of a door. Whoever it was must have gone back to their apartment then.
Footsteps through a hallway.
They sounded nearer than they should, but sound carried strangely in big empty rooms. Rooms that should have been full of two people’s lives together, but now lay barren and desolate.
Some say a person’s room reflects the state of their mind. Whoever said that would never have seen more proof of it than these few lonely rooms.
Isn’t it strange for someone to have been knocking at Dexter’s door at such an hour?
And for those footsteps to be getting closer at every moment?
And for new knocking to be coming form right outside Dexter’s bedroom door?
It should have been, but when a man is ready to die, he cares little for his safety.
And so Dexter lay still on his bed with his back to the door, silent tears still falling.
And the door opened.
Whoever it was walked closer.
One
Step
At
A
Time
And a hand was placed on his shoulder.
And he was turned around.
“Mind if I tell you something now Vex?”
A familiar voice, with a familiar face accompanying it.
Dexter looked upon the face of the man he had killed.
The man he loved, despite the years since then of trying to forget in the midst of drinks and new company.
And he cried more.
Saracen pulled Dexter up and wrapped him in a tight hug, carding his fingers through the other man’s disheveled hair.
“You don’t seem to be in a state to talk but I’ll tell you anyway. I think it’s something you’ll want to know.”
Dexter began to shake as sobs wracked through him, tearing the few fragile pieces of him that were left apart again, only for Saracen’s presence to stitch them back together.
“I love you. I have for a while. And I don’t know what’s happened while I was gone, but do know that I don’t blame you for what you had to do. I don’t know if I could have done it. If I’d had to, I might have gone down with you, just to avoid being alone. But you are so strong to have carried on.”
Dexter pulled away for a moment to look at Saracen, slightly in awe.
“How are you here?”
Saracen shifted a bit to sit more comfortably on the edge of the bed.
“Ah yes well, that I’m not quite sure about entirely? Umm, what happened was I woke up in the Sanctuary with all my memories of what happened up until that walk in the forest.”
Dexter looked away, trying to avoid the unwelcome reminder of what he’d done.
Saracen noticed this and carried on calmly, steering away from the sensitive topic.
“I think we should talk about that more later but I’ll move on for now. So after that, I found Skulduggery and Val and they told me that Darquesse kinda rebooted the universe? Or something like that? And anyway, that was a few days ago, I don’t think I need to explain that to you, I was told you were around when it happened. Anyway, so… um side note, she brought Ghastly back too! So him and Tanith have caught up I think apparently he promised to take her on a date before everything went to shit, so they’ve gone to do that, and I was told to stay in the sanctuary and I was going to stay and wait to see if you showed up, but you don’t and I needed to talk to you. So I came here.”
Dexter sat and digested the new information.
Saracen had been alive for a few days.
Saracen was alive. And here. And Ghastly was alive. And Saracen somehow didn’t hate him for shooting him in the back of the head.
And Saracen was in love with him.
“You said you love me? Is that what you were going to tell me?” Dexter asked, but as mentioned before, he already knew the answer.
“Yes” Saracen replied. “I, uh, I felt I should tell you before I died, but when I was thinking that, I wasn’t a zombie and then everything was happening too fast up until I only had a few moments left.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t let you tell me. I just… I don’t want to know then. Not when I was about to kill you. It would have made it so much harder than it already was. Maybe that a bit selfish, but I just… couldn’t.”
“It’s ok. I know what you mean. But hey, we’ve got a second chance! And let’s not spend our time being sad, we’ve got so much more time we can spend together now! And I still got to tell you, just maybe not when I meant to.”
Dexter huffed out a weak laugh, feeling exhausted from the evening. It was of course, still the middle of the night as well, which wasn’t helping matters.
“For what it’s worth I love you too.”
Saracen smiled.
“I think it’s worth quite a lot.”
——
From then on, the nightmares faded. They never disappeared fully, how could they, but with the one Dexter was meant to kill now lying safely next to him each night, and the assurance that Saracen’s presence brought, they no longer sent him into tears. For he had his love back.
And they both had a second chance at life.