Archive of Our Own ^beta

One thing that Jay has always admired about Jungwon is his tenacity. This isn’t a trait exclusive to Jay — everyone sees Jungwon for what he is, and admires him for it in turn. It’s why he was made the leader despite being second youngest, why seniors had naturally gravitated to Jungwon even on I-Land. A face of determination, Bang Sihyuk had said once.

(Truthfully, there aren't a lot of things Jay doesn't admire about Yang Jungwon.)

Determination, perseverance, resilience, reliability — all those leadership buzzwords, and Jay has come to associate Jungwon with every single one.

But sometimes it goes too far. Jungwon has a tendency of shouldering the burden alone. Jay doesn’t know why. Maybe Jungwon wants to prove to himself that he’s capable enough to do it without anyone’s help. Maybe he wants to prove to the others that he’s a good leader who would never dare to ask for support.

This, on the other hand, only seems to be noticed by Jay. He gets it: once Jungwon shrugs off any attempts of assistance, it’s easy to assume that he has it all handled. But Jay can read Jungwon easier than most. And Jay, too, had been told he had a face of determination.

Regardless, it annoys him when the other members are quite happy to take Jungwon’s shrugging off of concerns at face value. It's easy, he thinks, to take Jungwon for granted. It’s why Jay has always made a concerted effort to truly notice him.

When he thinks about it, Jungwon has been there for every single one of Jay's formative moments, whether hovering in his peripheral vision or directly by his side. Jay's become accustomed to Jungwon's presence over the time they've known each other, like looking for your keys and realising they were in your hand the whole time. Or like coming home and finding an old friend waiting for you there.

He supposes that's what they are, Jay muses, old friends. Maybe soulmates, Jay had said once to Jungwon when it was just the two of them practicing alone at night, cold air against the sweat on the back of his neck. He still remembers that feeling, the slight prickle on his skin. The weight of Jungwon's eyes on him in the mirror, coolly assessing. Then Jungwon had smiled and said, I don't believe in soulmates, hyung. But maybe. Something like that.

That had been another formative moment for Jay, probably.

They always had a special relationship. In retrospect, he should have seen it coming sooner.

The first time that Jay realises something is wrong is a complete accident.

They were performing for the fans in a concert hall, something small and intimate. Or supposed to give that effect, anyway. Jay had been too preoccupied with Jungwon to pick up on the acoustics of the venue.

Jungwon had looked off all day, sickly and swaying on his feet. Quiet, which usually wasn't cause for concern when it came to Jungwon except that this quiet was different to his usual thoughtful, observing quiet. There was a fundamental difference between the two — Jay knew that much.

Jay had just assumed Jungwon was sick until the moment with Heeseung happened. Heeseung had confessed to Jungwon quietly that he was worried about his vocals and his voice just wasn't cooperating with him today.

Now, Jungwon wasn't exactly what Jay would call a tactile person but he always had a shoulder pat or back rub to spare for anyone who needed reassurance. He'd probably studied leadership techniques before their debut and decided touch was a key criterion for being a good leader. Here, though, Jungwon had just leant back slightly and said, completely tonelessly, Don't worry about it, hyung. I'm sure you'll be as good as usual. And then he had promptly fled the room and only came back once it was time to go on stage. Heeseung watched him leave, confused, and had shared a look with Jay once he’d seen him eavesdropping.

So: something was wrong. The stage wings had been too hectic for Jay to ask Jungwon directly what was going on, so he resulted to waiting until the ending ment. While Sunoo was saying his spiel, Jay tried inching to the right. He just wanted to be close enough to whisper to Jungwon and ask him if everything was okay. Except Jungwon, who must not have been as out of it as he seemed, immediately mimicked Jay's movements so it looked like they were just playing an exceptionally slow game of tag across the right side of the stage.

When Jay actually looks to his right, the uncharacteristic glare he receives from Jungwon is enough to make him stop in his process of awkward shuffling.

At this point, Jay now knows that something is definitely up. But he has to forgo the attempt as Sunoo wraps up his ment and it’s time for Jungwon to deliver the final words. As Jungwon does the usual speech, Sunghoon shoots Jay a weird look for the visible gap between the two of them and the rest of the group. Jay ignores him and looks ahead, waiting for them to get off stage so he can successfully hound Jungwon into admitting what’s wrong with him.

Soon enough, they walk off stage to the cheers of the fans. Jay looks over his shoulder for Jungwon only to find that Jungwon has instantly vanished. Jay starts to get nervous – it really isn’t like Jungwon, who’s always so careful about presenting a good image to strangers, to suddenly disappear.

“Where’s Jungwon?” one of the managers asks the members when they’re far enough away from the hubbub.

The other members simultaneously turn to look at Jay, like meerkats. Why should they all assume he knows? “I think he’s feeling ill,” he tries anyway. “Probably gone to find the bathroom.” Their manager frowns. “Any idea where that is, actually? I need to use it.”

The manager gives him directions and Jay sets off on his quest to find the bathroom. The building has a lot of twists and turns, and Jay soon forgets when he’s supposed to turn right or go left so he ends up wandering the hallways. The building can’t be that big so he’s not too worried about getting completely lost. He’s bound to find the bathroom eventually.

After a couple of minutes he finds himself walking down a hallway that looks exactly the same as all the other previous hallways. He’s about to cut his losses and turn around to somehow find his way back, both toilet and Jungwon be damned. Then he hears a noise behind one of the doors. He takes hold of the handle and pushes the door open. It’s some kind of janitor’s closet, with shelves of cleaning products and a small sink in the corner. Jay only registers this in the back of his mind – what’s more important is the figure bent over the sink, currently directing the running water to splash over drops of congealed blood.

"What the hell?" Jay exclaims. Jungwon jumps and turns to face Jay. His face abruptly shifts to a guarded expression, eyes narrowing. "Where'd all that blood come from?! Are you bleeding?" He moves towards Jungwon, gingerly taking his wet hands and checking them over.

"Hyung," Jungwon snaps, snatching his hands out of Jay’s hold. He sighs and closes his eyes, then opens them again and says in a much gentler tone, "I'm fine. I just got a paper cut and didn't want these clothes to stain so I went to find a sink and this happened to be the closest one. That's all."

"I've never seen a papercut produce that much blood," Jay says skeptically. He can’t get his eyes to move away from the drops of blood in the sink. It looks so black. Papercut, his ass. Jungwon is lying to him, that much is obvious. But why?

Jungwon shrugs. His face has settled into its usual neutral expression. "First time for everything, right?" He looks Jay up and down. "What were youdoing here?"

"Looking for a bathroom," Jay answers. And for you. "I really need to pee."

Jungwon turns back to the sink and cleans the last of the blood away methodically. "You made a wrong turn. You were supposed to keep going to the left.” Jay bites back a snarky comment about how he went left about ten times. Jungwon turns off the tap. It looks like all the blood has gone but Jay wonders if it will stain anyway. There was so much of it, even though he'd just seen the tail end of whatever had happened. “I'll take you there, come on."

At Jay's noise of acquiescence, they set off and close the door behind them. Jay glances at Jungwon and catches sight of something that gives him pause. “Why is your chin wet?” he asks.

Jungwon wipes his sleeve across his chin quickly. “It’s nothing,” he says tersely. “I must have splashed my chin by accident or something.”

Jay hums and accepts this. Or tries to. It would probably help if Jungwon didn’t act like he was hiding a secret. Just a papercut, he thinks to himself. Stop catastrophising.

They turn a few corners (Jungwon was right; Jay accepts his inferior sense of direction) and Jungwon gestures to the door for the toilets. “I’ll wait here,” he tells Jay. He smiles but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. There’s a pinch of worry in his expression, which surprises Jay. He sees Jungwon worried less and less these days. “Just in case you get lost on the way back.”

As Jay zips up and washes his hands, his mind flashes back to the blood in the sink. Jungwon’s blood in the sink. Surely blood from a papercut shouldn’t look so black. It was moments like these that Jay wishes he’d paid more attention to his biology class.

He looks up at himself in the mirror. “It’s nothing,” he says out loud, attempting to convince himself. “You’re just overthinking it.”

His voice bounces off the tiles louder than he’d expected it to and Jay remembers Jungwon is still waiting for him outside. His reflection grimaces at him and he scurries out of the room quickly, almost fleeing.

“All good?” Jungwon asks him, straightening up from the wall he’d been leaning against. A part of Jay feels bad for disturbing him. Jungwon’s dark circles look much more pronounced when his eyes are closed.

“Yep,” Jay responds, falsely chipper. Jungwon shoots him an odd look. Jay resolves to push this entire situation to the back of his mind so they can get back to normal. “What were you thinking for dinner today?”

The next couple of weeks are relatively ordinary. Jay wakes up, eats, washes up, goes shopping, joins Jake for a couple of rounds of FIFA, has dinner, scrolls mindlessly on his phone, and goes to bed. Day in, day out. The other members have roughly the same schedule as him. The preparation for their comeback is approaching, which naturally means it’s that time everyone stockpiles their relaxation time instead of their monotonous work time. They still have to attend a few meetings, about the concept or the styling or the online content they need to be pushing out, but it’s nothing too mind-numbing.

On top of that, Jay ends up looking forward to the mandatory meetings as that’s the only time he sees Jungwon nowadays.

He doesn’t know where Jungwon goes during the day, but whenever Jay had gone looking for him it had been impossible to find him. He was never in his shared bedroom – even when Jay had once woken up at seven in the morning and silently cracked open their door, Jungwon’s bed had been empty. When he had asked Sunoo about it, Sunoo had just shrugged and told him that Jungwon came back late and left early. He’s never in their usual practice rooms at the company either, and searching every single room in the building would be fruitless. It’s like being in the same group as a ghost.

What stings Jay more is having said ghost as his best friend. In their free time he and Jungwon ordinarily would spend most of their day together, just the two of them. Shopping, dancing, walking along Han River, even just laying side by side on Jay’s bed and silently scrolling through their respective phones. What mattered is that they did it together. Now, though, all of Jay’s texts and calls to Jungwon go unread and unanswered. Granted, Jungwon still uses the group chat to notify them of activities but Jay isn’t quite desperate enough to air out their dirty laundry there.

At least the meetings offer him an opportunity to actually see how Jungwon is doing, despite the fact that even in the meetings Jungwon still refuses to talk to him directly. Unfortunately the incident with the blood remains fresh in Jay’s mind, even with Jay’s efforts to forget about it. He wonders if he should have told someone about it, maybe Heeseung or even one of the managers, but something had always stopped him. It felt oddly personal, seeing Jungwon in such a vulnerable position. Besides, if Jungwon hadn’t told anyone about it then was it really Jay’s prerogative to let people know?

That still didn’t truly help to abate the worry. Sadly he was also a massive coward and had chickened out at the thought of searching coughing up black blood on Naver because he really isn’t mentally equipped enough to find out if Jungwon has lung cancer or something.

In any case, Jungwon seems to be fine. He doesn’t look as well as he usually does but…actually, Jay doesn’t have an explanation for that. It’s difficult for him to conceive the possibility of Jungwon being seriously ill. He thinks about the blood a lot, sure, but anything more than that like why the blood was there and so black and why Jungwon was acting so strangely leads his mind to slam into some kind of mental barrier. To Jay, Jungwon has always been infallible. He doesn’t want to entertain the possibility of something so fundamentally incompatible with his image of Jungwon.

Okay, so Jungwon’s skin was getting pale and dull and his hair looked less healthy and he looked much more tired and his face always looked vaguely pinched. Jay acknowledges all of that. Apart from that, though, he acted completely the same (barring his interactions with Jay, of course). He still smiles at the members when they meet inside the building, still cracks jokes, still puts his game face on when the company asks for their thoughts on a certain directive. The only thing that’s different is how his eyes will pass right over Jay.

Jay, not wanting to make a scene, will try and get Jungwon’s attention through either staring at Jungwon unflinchingly or kicking him under the table. Well, he just does the staring now. Last time he’d accidentally kicked Heeseung instead of Jungwon and shamefacedly mouthed an apology to him. Jungwon hadn’t even noticed. He pretends not to notice the staring, either, even though Jay knows that he’s definitely aware. It at least brings him some satisfaction to see Jungwon gradually start to squirm under the weight of Jay’s scrutiny.

Just like now, where Jungwon is finishing up his thoughts on the new style of variety they’re doing while steadfastly ignoring Jay’s eyes on him. As usual, his body betrays him. His nervous tic of shifting back and forth in his seat appears and Jay watches him grow more and more uncomfortable. He finishes talking with an audible strain in his voice. Jay always waits for that moment where Jungwon finally snaps and looks at him, glares at him, kicks him, anything but it never comes. Jungwon, he knows, has never not had impeccable self-control.

But Jay doesn’t give up easily. As the meeting wraps up and everyone starts gathering their things and chatting to one another, Jay decides to try again. Jungwon jumps up from his seat like it’s on fire.

“Jungwon, wait—”

Just like always, he flees the room before Jay can accost him.

“You know,” Sunghoon says to him in an undertone as they file out into the corridor. “I don’t want to, like, get involved but I’m telling you that you shouldn’t worry about him or anything. I think he’s just busy.”

Jay raises an eyebrow. “So you don’t think it’s weird that literally none of us ever see him? And he just comes back to the dorm to sleep for a few hours then leaves again?” He gets more heated and his voice starts to rise in volume. Sunghoon looks around quickly. “And that he can’t even be bothered to answer my texts? You think that means he’s just busy?”

Sunghoon sighs. “Can you keep your voice down? And yes, I think he’s just busy. He’s the leader, remember? The company probably has him come in for a bunch of things. Or, I don’t know, maybe there’s something up with his family.” He raises his eyebrows and suddenly grins, drawing out the syllables teasingly. “Or maybe he’s got a girlfriend and he’s just too busy for his favourite hyung now.”

“Shut up,” Jay mutters. “I doubt it’s that.” Jungwon would surely tell him if he got a girlfriend, right? He’s pretty sure your best friend is the first person you’d inform of something as major as that. That was the only reason why Jay felt weird thinking about it. Besides, all of them (but especially Jungwon) were too busy to date anyway. Not for lack of trying when it came to some of the other members. “But the other stuff…maybe. I’ll try not to think about it.”

Sunghoon, apparently satisfied with this concession, claps Jay on the shoulder and moves off to walk in step beside Sunoo.

Jay stares at their backs, lost in thought. Somehow he got the feeling that the reason behind Jungwon’s new strangeness has nothing to do with the group, or his family, or a potential girlfriend. So what was left?

Their first actual schedule in a long time starts in an hour. It’s nothing too strenuous, just some YouTube variety series. Jungwon had informed them that it shouldn’t take that long to film either. Naturally, this announcement had come from the group chat. Jay didn’t understand why no one else found it weird that they literally never saw Jungwon anymore. He can only assume that their minds had gone down the same path as Sunghoon’s and concluded that Jungwon was just dealing with his own issues or personal life. Or maybe Jungwon answered theirtexts.

Jay’s about to whisper to Sunoo and ask him if he’s had any contact with Jungwon recently, but Jungwon takes that moment as his cue to enter the dorm. Their manager had requested that they should all be ready and waiting in the dorm at ten a.m. Trust Jungwon to come only ten minutes before that.

It’s been a few days since their last meeting, so Jay uses this as his chance to analyse any changes in Jungwon’s appearance. The symptoms that Jay mentally noted down in the recent meeting have been exacerbated, to the point that the other members pick up on it.

“Your stylist isn’t gonna be very happy with all the work she’ll have to do,” Heeseung jokes. Jungwon just shrugs.

He does look more worse for wear and his clothes are even dishevelled this time around. For about the hundredth time, Jay wonders where exactly Jungwon goes for so long.

Jungwon stands by the door and does a quick head count. “Good, we’re all here,” he says. His voice sounds scratchier. “Manager-hyung told me he’ll be here pretty soon. We’ll probably be back here around,” he pauses to cough, “three.”

Sunoo frowns. “Are you okay?”

Jungwon rubs his throat and winces. “Fine. I already had some medicine. But heads-up that I probably won’t talk much in the episode.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t come if you’re ill,” Jay says. It comes out much more harshly than he’d intended. “I’m sure manager-hyung will be understanding.”

Jungwon doesn’t look at him. “I’m not ill.”

Jay scoffs. “Right.”

An awkward atmosphere hangs in the room. Sunoo’s eyes keep darting between the two of them and Sunghoon, seated next to Sunoo, seems to be trying to communicate something to Jay with just his face. It doesn’t really work but Jay imagines that it’s something along the lines of remember what I told you. Whatever. Just because they all want to pull over the wool over their eyes doesn’t mean that Jay has to as well.

The tense silence is interrupted by a knock on the door, which Jungwon opens within a millisecond. Their manager startles at the abruptness and slowly lowers his fist from where it was still raised.

“Everyone ready to go?” he asks and they all nod.

Jay doesn’t bother trying to hang back so he can talk to Jungwon. His efforts in that regard, he’s realising, have long been futile. If Jungwon wants to deal with this entirely by himself, then so be it. Another one of Jungwon’s hacking coughs behind him punctuates the tail end of that thought. He hears the manager ask Jungwon the same thing that Sunoo had asked and Jay speeds up, forcing his feet to carry him away from Jungwon’s delusion.

When he passes Sunghoon and Sunoo walking side by side and Sunghoon doesn’t grab his arm to talk to him, that’s when Jay knows that Sunghoon’s toleration of his attitude has ran out.

The variety filming continues in much the same way. Jungwon, true to his word, barely speaks up and Jay ends up being the one to take most of Jungwon’s lines, much to his chagrin. Heeseung also ends up being correct – the stylists nag Jungwon for not getting enough sleep and not doing his skincare routine, while Jungwon apologises profusely and says that he’s just been busy. Jay rolls his eyes.

There’s a moment where, while getting his own make-up done, he opens his eyes and finds Jungwon staring at him. Because of where Jungwon is standing he can’t see that Jay is also studying his reflection in the mirror. From his angle it looks like Jay is simply looking at himself. Jungwon must also be assuming that Jay can’t even see him which is why, for the first time in ages, Jungwon is actually looking at him.

There’s nothing written on his face or in his gaze to indicate what he’s thinking but Jay feels anticipatory regardless. Jungwon takes a small step forward in Jay’s direction and Jay’s body thrums with energy. Maybe he’s considering apologising to Jay or just telling him what’s going on and they can talk this out and things will—

Someone calls Jungwon’s name and they both jolt. Jungwon turns away and leaves to find whoever called him. Jay slumps back in his chair and lets the stylist’s muttering wash over him.

Once they’ve wrapped up filming, they’re ferried back to the dorm. The other members appear to have already forgotten about the tension between Jay and Jungwon or they’re just ignoring it, so the ride back is filled with loud teasing and off-key singing. Jay joins in at some points but watches Jungwon the whole time. He’s sitting up front with the manager and has his head resting against the window with his eyes closed. Jay would have thought he was sleeping if it wasn’t for his shoulders hitching up every time Niki let out a particularly loud shriek.

Predictably, Jungwon disappears once they arrive back home. The van empties them out onto the street and the other members, still in a rambunctious mood, immediately enter their apartment building. Jay watches them laughing and pushing each other, then watches Jungwon talk to the manager for a moment before standing back from the van. As it drives off Jungwon walks down the street away from Jay, his phone and wallet tucked into his back pockets. He doesn’t even have a jacket.

Just for a moment, Jay debates running after him and tackling him onto the concrete so he has no choice but to talk to Jay. But somehow he already knows it will be fruitless. Jay thinks of the other members and their uncaring boisterousness and thinks, fine. If that’s what Jungwon wants, he’ll play the part.

It all comes to a head one night. Jay had been practising their new choreo by himself, intent on nailing it before their evaluation with the choreographer tomorrow. He couldn't get one of the moves down without looking stupid, some kind of kick to the side with the right leg.

The other members had all left a couple of hours ago, tired and sweaty. Including Jungwon. Jungwon who had been looking increasingly ill these days, if that was even possible. Wan and quiet and sunken, as if he was just withering away. Why did no one else seem to notice that?

Jay starts the music again and moves back into position. Why did no one else notice? He had even brought it up to Heeseung in private a couple of days ago, which was something he never liked doing because it felt like he was undermining Jungwon's position as leader. But it wasn't like Jungwon could help him here. Not that Heeseung had been much help either. He had shrugged and told Jay that Jungwon was probably managing as best as he could. But it was such an obvious lie. Why was it only Jay who saw that?

Now the chorus. Jay went through the motions mechanically. Wasn't Jungwon supposed to be his best friend? How could he avoid Jay like this when there was something very obviously wrong with him? The kick was coming up. I don't believe in soulmates, hyung. But maybe. Something like that. Jungwon's small, knowing smile as they shared a look in the mirror.

Jay kicks out too far and loses his balance. His left foot slips and he falls to the hard wood of the practice room floor, face landing on his knee.

"Ow," he groans into his sweatpants, drawing out the syllable. "Ow ow ow. Fuck fuck fuck." And then, because it feels good to let off some steam: "Fuck shit fuck shit."

His eye hurts like hell. His knee must have jabbed it. He's still awkwardly twisted in a pretzel position, so Jay gingerly untangles his limbs from each other and flops back onto the floor.

The song's already ended so he's just left with his own thoughts to fill the eerie silence. Belatedly, he realises there's a buzz of irritation underneath his skin. Stupid Yang Jungwon with his stupid determination to be entirely self-reliant.

It's not good to practice when you're angry, Sunghoon had told him once. That was when Jay had had an argument with Jungwon about something stupid. He doesn’t even remember what it was about now. At least then Jungwon wasn’t avoiding him and they were actually speaking enough to have an argument.

"Fine," he says aloud. "I'm going back to the dorm."

All he gets in response is an ankle throb.

By the time he gets back to the dorm, everyone's already asleep. He checks his phone. The glaring white of the 3:07 makes his face reflexively pinch, so he slides his phone into his pocket. He doesn’t bother turning the lights on either, especially given Niki’s tendency to fall asleep on the couch. Instead, he toes his shoes off and hopes the floor is at least clean enough that he won’t trip on anything.

He’s not used to seeing the dorm as creepy as this, all silent and shadowy. He’s about to slip quietly into his room, but out of the corner of his eye he catches sight of a stream of light further down the hallway. The bathroom light is on and the door is slightly ajar. Someone must have forgotten to turn it off.

Jay sneaks down the hallway and is about to swing the door further open before he hears a pained groan emanate from behind the door. He freezes and considers turning back to his bedroom. There’s a sense of foreboding in the atmosphere, like Jay really shouldn’t open that door. His stomach feels jittery.

But Jay had never put much stock into supernatural premonitions. He pushes the door anyway.

At first he doesn’t see anything, just the door extending into empty space. Then he spies–

“Jungwon,” he exhales.

Another moan from the figure currently on all fours on the floor. Or all threes, to be exact. One of Jungwon’s hands is clutching his throat. His nails are digging in hard enough that there’s small rivulets of blood meandering down his neck. Black blood.

Jay stares, his feet stuck to the floor. He really should have heeded his instincts and turned around. He should have ignored the crack of light streaming through into the hallway. This is something a lot bigger than he can handle.

But it’s still Jungwon, his Jungwon. Jay’s feet unfreeze and take a step forward of their own accord. He’s on autopilot, mind completely blank. He just needs to help Jungwon.

Jungwon lets out a guttural noise, something more akin to what a wounded animal would make than a human. His other hand is splayed across the tiles of the bathroom and Jay watches it fail to flex. It looks like he collapsed as soon as he entered the bathroom, then crawled until reaching the end furthest away from the door.

“Out,” Jungwon gasps. It’s low and raw, in a way that Jay has never heard Jungwon’s voice before. Something in the animal part of his brain wants to run away screaming. “Get…out.” He draws in another breath and curls forward, biting off another whimper.

“Jungwon,” Jay says desperately. This warning, he heeds. Well, there’s no way he’s leaving. But he’s at least smart enough not to come any closer. He resorts to fluttering about, shifting restlessly from one foot to another. He decides to close the door quietly as well; he doubts Jungwon wants the other members seeing this. “Tell me what I can do. What do you need? Water? Do I need to call…fuck, do I need to call an ambulance or something?” Never mind, he doesn’t want to hear Jungwon’s answer to that. He fishes for his phone. “I’m gonna call an ambulance.”

“Wait,” Jungwon chokes out. His head is bowed and Jay can’t read his expression. His thumb hovers over the green button. Jay swears he can hear the sound of Jungwon's teeth grinding. “Just…it will…” He abruptly crumples to the ground, like a marionette with its strings cut, and mumbles: “Pass.”

Jay, already at his side, gently uncurls Jungwon's hand from his throat. There's harsh indents where his nails were and the skin is all splotchy. Not to mention the blood. The black, black blood. Some of it is smeared on the tile. It looks like oil.

Jungwon, head turned to the side, watches Jay. He schools his expression. Jungwon’s own face is carefully blank.

It takes Jay a few moments to decide how to break the silence. "We're calling a doctor tomorrow morning," he informs Jungwon. "And then we'll tell the members and the company. The comeback will be have to be pushed back, or maybe we'll just have to do it without you but I think-–"

"I'm fine," Jungwon interrupts tersely. He rolls onto his back, away from the blood. The light makes the droplets of blood on his neck shine obsidian. "I just have to deal with those sometimes. I'm managing it."

"Jesus, Jungwon!" Jay explodes. He lowers his voice when he sees Jungwon startle. Their heads whip towards the door in sync. When Jay doesn't hear any movement outside, he continues. "Are you serious? What part of that looks fine to you? If you don't want to talk to a doctor right now then at least talk to me and I'll try my best to help you. But you can't continue on like this."

Jungwon sighs and slowly starts peeling himself off the floor with Jay's help. He plants his feet firmly on the floor and waits a moment, as if checking that his body can hold itself up. Then he moves over to the sink and methodically starts scrubbing the dried blood off of his neck. He does all this without a word to Jay.

"Are you gonna continue ignoring me? Seriously? Even after I just saw that whole production?"

"I'm thinking," Jungwon snaps. Jay thinks he can see the vague shape of Jungwon's fingers printed onto his own throat. God, he half-wishes it was one of the other members who walked in on this and not him. "Just give me a minute, will you?"

Jay paces. "How long have you even been dealing with those? Can you hold it off?"

"They’ve been happening for some time," Jungwon answers vaguely. Jay watches some of the blood flutter down in flakes. "I can tell when they're coming but I can’t hold them off for long. They usually last about thirty minutes."

What the fuck. "Is that why you've been avoiding everyone? Because you were scared that it would happen in the dorm?"

Jungwon doesn't answer. He finishes washing his blood off and sits down to lean against the bathtub. He folds to the floor so quickly Jay is afraid that he collapsed again, but all Jungwon does is puff his cheeks up and blow the air out with an exasperated huff.

"Hey," Jay pleads, switching tactics out of desperation. "Just tell me, alright? I'm scared. If something happened to you I couldn't…"

Jungwon traces one of the tiles with a finger. "I can't say anything because…" He trails off and presses his lips together. He tries again. "Because I…" He falls silent and then, in a weirdly vulnerable voice which is so unlike Jungwon: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Yes I would," Jay responds automatically. "You can tell me anything. You know that." When Jungwon remains silent, eyes closing and head lolling back against the lip of the bathtub, he presses on. “I’m serious. I may not understand immediately but I’ll do my best to help you. Especially because you’re sick.”

Jungwon smiles sardonically. “I’m not sick.” He makes a face. “Well, maybe I am. Probably.”

Jay waits. Jungwon pulls his knees up and scrubs a hand over his face. Jay forgets how young Jungwon is sometimes. It’s easy to overlook Jungwon’s young age in the face of his leadership, the way he commandeers everything so smoothly. Now, though, with his dark circles and his hunched form he looks all of eighteen.

“Promise you won’t laugh? Or start screaming for help?”

“I promise.”

Jungwon sighs. He drops his head into his knees and confesses drily: “I’m a vampire.”

Jay can’t help it – he laughs. Jungwon’s head shoots up and he glares at Jay, mouth twisted.

“Hey,” Jay says quickly, immediately sobering up. He’s about to move closer to Jungwon in placation but Jungwon’s earlier warning stops him. “Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. It just…took me by surprise.” He pauses. It’s best to see where Jungwon is going with this. “Like…can you explain?”

Jungwon sighs again. “I’m a vampire,” he repeats. “I haven’t been one for long. I was only turned a few years ago, actually. I was a trainee at the time. The vampire who turned me…they just left me. I woke up in an alleyway with a pool of my own blood.” He says this matter-of-factly, as if they were discussing what the best Chinese restaurant in Seoul is. His head has returned to facing his lap so Jay can’t read his expression. “I reacted exactly the same as you. I didn’t believe it at first. Vampires aren’t real, Jungwon.” He scoffs. “Then the cravings started. I truly thought I would die. It was impossible being around people because if I lost control for a moment…” His voice wavers for the first time. “So I broke into a blood bank. I did it every time I got hungry. And, well, that’s how I’ve been surviving the past few years.”

Jay rocks back on his feet, overwhelmed at the onslaught of information. Then he decides he doesn’t want to think about this when he’s standing so he mimics Jungwon’s earlier drop to the floor. He leans against the opposite wall and faces Jungwon, who still hasn’t looked up from his lap. Jay turns everything he just heard over in his head. He doesn’t believe in vampires or anything like that. Surely, if vampires existed, there would be mass break-ins everywhere. Hundreds of people dying or turning in the street, just like Jungwon claims happened to him. This has got to be some kind of long-term prank — Jay wouldn’t put it past Jungwon to do something like that.

“Are you gonna say anything?” Jungwon asks, voice heavy.

Jay humours him. “So what's going on with you now? The fits? No way you've always been like that."

Jungwon finally looks up at him, eager now that Jay is asking questions. “You're right, I've just been getting them for the past month or so. I think my body is rejecting the blood from the blood bank. I can still drink it but I'm just as thirsty as I was before. I'm constantly thirsty these days. Most of the time I can control it and act normal but…you saw what happens when I can't." He looks ashamed. "I spend all my time researching about why this is happening to me but I can’t find much, obviously. It would be a lot easier if I knew other vampires but I’ve never even met one." He makes a face. “Or maybe I have. I don’t know.”

Strangely, what Jungwon is saying actually makes sense. Theoretically, if Jungwon was a real vampire, then it makes sense that he wouldn’t be able to solely survive on blood from a bag. Surely every vampire has got to try blood from the source at some point – that’s like the whole point of being a vampire. He spares a thought for how alone Jungwon must have felt, trying to deal with something completely unknown to him and having no one to turn to for help. What would Jungwon have done if Jay had never found him here tonight, fighting off the urge to drain a human? Would he have eventually given in? Jay realises they could be having a very different conversation, one where he walks in on Jungwon frantically sucking some hapless Music Bank staff member dry. He suppresses a shiver at the image.

Still, though, he thinks some evidence is required. Fatigue makes Jay daring. “Prove it,” he orders.

Jungwon laughs. It comes out grating. They both wince and Jungwon rubs his throat. “How do you expect me to prove it to you?”

Jay snorts. “I dunno. Aren’t vampires supposed to have, like, fangs?”

Jungwon looks amused and the corners of his mouth unwittingly tick up. This is the Jungwon that Jay knows, the one that never misses an opportunity to banter with Jay. “Yes, vampires are supposed to have fangs. And I do. You just never see them because they only come out when I…feed.” At Jay’s look, he shakes his head. “That’s why I can’t show them to you. I guess it’s some kind of biological programming.”

“So you can’t prove it to me.” Jay’s aware he sounds like a petulant child now. “How do you expect me to believe you? This could be some stupid prank. You probably set up a camera in here just to show this to the members later.”

Jungwon’s eyes flash and he stretches out. The atmosphere grows tense and Jay feels a prickle of fear on the back of his neck. Jay is suddenly very aware of the fact that if Jungwon isn’t lying to him, if he’s completely telling the truth, then Jay is alone in a room with a very hungry vampire.

“Do you really think this is a joke?” Jungwon asks him. He almost whispers it. “You said yourself that I’ve been acting strange lately. I'm not the type of person to joke about something like this." His voice softens further. "I know this is a lot to take in but please just…believe me. Or, if you can't do that, just go to your bedroom right now and we'll pretend like this never happened."

"I can't do that." His voice rings out in the bathroom and Jungwon winces again. "I don't believe you. Yet. But you're still my best friend and I want to help you, in any way that I can."

Jungwon is already shaking his head. "You can't, hyung. There's nothing you can do."

Well, if Jungwon doesn't want to say it, then Jay will. "If you're telling the truth then…you could drink from me."

Jungwon completely stills. All over. It freaks Jay out so much that he instinctively freezes in fear before he remembers himself. He's never seen someone do that, as if turning into a statue on the spot. Does Jungwon even breathe? Not good not good not good, his brain is chanting. His heart is starting to speed up, thumping against the walls of his chest. His entire body is telling him that this is a bad idea.

But he ploughs on. Let it be known that Jay has absolutely zero self-preservation instincts.

"I'm serious," he continues. "You're craving human blood, right? And nothing else works? So you can just…drink from me. Until it works itself out." Jungwon's eyes are so dark. "I mean…Jesus, I don't want you to die, Jungwon. So if this will help then go ahead."

"You don't even know what you're offering," Jungwon murmurs. But he's standing up from his spot on the tiled floor, gripping onto the bathtub for support. "You have no idea at all."

"It's just blood," Jay whispers. He stands up too. His hands are sweating. Just blood is still a scary thing to offer. "That's all it is."

Jungwon sways on the spot. His eyes haven't left Jay's face once. He's making the decision, Jay's mind supplies. So he waits.

He doesn’t wait that long. Jungwon moves like a predator. He's so fluid, in a way which Jay has grasped before but never really thought about. Jay controls the flinch that threatens to ripple through his body.

"It will probably hurt," Jungwon warns. He's right in front of Jay now, hand loosely circled around his wrist. He gives Jay's wrist a little shake. "And stop looking so nervous. It's making me feel bad. You don't have to do this, you know."

"Sorry," Jay breathes out. "Just scared, I guess." There's nothing Jungwon can say that will comfort him. He hasn't even fed from a human before — at least not like this — so it’s not like he knows the procedure. "Where do you want to bite?"

"Your arm," comes the immediate reply. Jungwon’s eyes rove over his skin hungrily. "Easier to hide than your neck."

"Okay," Jay says neutrally. He's about two seconds away from ripping his wrist out of Jungwon's hold and fleeing. He’s never seen this kind of hungry intensity on Jungwon’s face. But Jungwon needs him so he staves off the freak-out for now. "Go on then. Whenever you're ready."

Jungwon examines Jay's face one final time, evidently looking for something. Jay gives a weak smile and that seems to be enough to reassure him. Jungwon pulls Jay's arm up and lowers his head. Jay catches a flash of sharp fangs and his brain yells oh god this is really happening this is actually real what the fuck what the fuck–

Jungwon was right — it does hurt. A lot. He's unable to stop the groan of pain from coming out of his mouth. It resounds loudly in the bathroom.

It only hurts at first, though. Once he forces his muscles to relax, the burn of pain ebbs away until it's just the vague sensation of Jungwon's fangs. Jungwon's fangs. Embedded into his skin.

(Freak out later, he tells himself.)

It feels strange, foreign, but also kinda pleasant. He almost…melts, brain only occupied by the feel of Jungwon’s teeth in him. If Jungwon didn’t have such a strong grip on him he probably would have sunk to the floor.

From this angle all Jay can see is the crown of Jungwon's head so he doesn't know what it's like for him. If the enthusiastic gulps are anything to go by, though, he'd wager Jungwon has no complaints.

Jungwon shifts his mouth slightly to get a better angle and whimpers. His other hand is clutching Jay's waist and Jay feels his fingers dig into the flesh there. The sucking sounds more desperate now.

"Shh," Jay soothes Jungwon, stroking a hand through his hair. "It's okay. I'm here."

Jungwon makes another plaintive sound and his grip on Jay’s arm tightens. Jay grits his teeth at the harsh press of his fingers and breathes through it. He wonders how strong Jungwon could get. Drinking from a human is probably more beneficial for vampires than drinking from a bag. At least if the idol money runs out, he and Jungwon can find some crazed scientist who would experiment on them.

Once Jungwon starts making satisfied sounds instead of little moans, Jay decides that it’s safe enough to pull Jungwon’s hair a little. He feels all floaty which is probably a sign that Jungwon needs to stop drinking. Luckily, he doesn’t need to come up with an impromptu how to stop a vampire draining you plan as Jungwon dislodges his fangs from Jay’s arm without protest.

Jay takes one look at his arm then immediately regrets it. He’s pretty sure Jungwon’s hold on his waist is the only thing that keeps him from fainting at the gory mess he sees there.

“I’ll clean it,” Jungwon says faintly and his head dips down again. Jay keeps his eyes firmly shut so all he feels is the wet sensation of Jungwon’s tongue against the skin of his arm. Just getting my best friend to clean up the mess he made of my arm after drinking my blood, no biggie, he thinks hysterically. The situation is almost funny to him and he has to tamp down on a laugh. He wonders vaguely how long he'll be able to hold off the inevitable breakdown his brain will have.

“Done,” Jungwon announces.

Jay opens his eyes with trepidation. He doesn't know what it says about him that he thinks Jungwon looks cute when his mouth and chin are covered in blood. Jay’s blood, to be specific. With effort, he drags his gaze down to his arm and is surprised to find it totally clean. All that remains of what just transpired are two dark pinpricks on his forearm, small enough to barely be seen.

“Vampire saliva is healing,” Jungwon shares. He grins, eyes curving up. Jay blinks. The moody Jungwon from before has already disappeared. “Or that’s what I read anyway.”

Jay already knows the answer but: “Better?”

“Much better,” Jungwon affirms. He pats Jay's chest. He sways on the spot with the force of it. “Thank you so much, hyung. You can now say you saved my life.”

Jay’s mind is too hazy to parse through the weight of that statement. With so many of his mental faculties going offline, he couldn’t freak out if he tried. It even takes effort to blink. Jungwon on the other hand is all-business, cleaning up the bathroom with renewed vigour.

“You should probably wash your arm anyway, hyung,” Jungwon declares after casting him a look. “Otherwise it will get all sticky.”

“I will,” Jay promises. His words sound sluggish but he powers through. “And you need to wash your face, there’s blood all over it.”

“I will,” Jungwon says dutifully. His face swims before Jay. All he can see now is a red streak across a blur. “Sorry if it’s bothering you.”

“It’s not,” Jay manages. “I think I just really need to sit down.”

Jungwon makes a little oh! sound and guides Jay to the floor, propping him against the bathtub. He procures a cloth, wets it, and gently runs it across Jay’s arm. He holds Jay’s wrist in a loose grip as he does so, the polar opposite of what it was just a few minutes ago. Jay breathes in and out shallowly. He closes his eyes when the world starts to tilt dangerously. The back of his eyelids just show red, red, red.

“I really think I need to get you something, hyung. Like a protein bar.”

Jay shakes his head and immediately regrets it. He takes a few moments to recover. “I’m fine. Just wanna get to bed.”

“Okay,” Jungwon says carefully. “I’ll take you there, then.”

With some manoeuvring, they safely make it into the bedroom Jay shares with Jake. It’s a good thing that Jake sleeps like a log, especially because Jungwon still hasn’t washed Jay’s blood off of his face. Once Jay is on his bed, Jungwon hovers like he’s unsure of what to do. They both don’t know what the protocol for this is. He decides on a soft g’night, hyung and squeezes Jay’s shoulder. He slips out of the room without further delay.

Jay’s asleep before his head hits the pillow.

When his alarm wakes him up the next day, Jay feels just like he does any other morning. It’s those first few moments of waking up where his mind is blissfully blank and he doesn’t have a care in the world. Until he stretches out to turn the alarm off and hisses at the pain that shoots up his arm.

His alarm continues buzzing as Jay stares at the bite mark on his arm. Well, bite mark isn’t really an accurate description. It’s different from what a human bite would look like — rather than a harsh ring of teeth indentations, there’s simply two small holes. He can barely even see them. Human teeth wouldn't be able to leave those marks, not with the ferocity that Jungwon had bitten into him last night. That’s how he knows Jungwon had been telling the truth.

He gets caught up staring at the two dots. He stares so hard he thinks he might be feeling the onset of a headache. They’re just so small. Really, for something as monumental as this, for something that’s shaken Jay to the core and made him incapable of even functioning, shouldn’t they at least be bigger? Wouldn’t it make more sense if–

“Are you gonna turn that off or what?” Jake snaps at him, rolling over in his own bed to face Jay. Jay jolts out of his daze and scrambles to turn off the alarm. When he apologises, Jake just sighs and mutters never mind I have to be up anyway, dibs on shower.

He doesn’t even spare Jay’s arm a glance, which makes Jay feel a lurch in his stomach for reasons he doesn’t understand.

He’s distracted the rest of the day. The hearty breakfast he’d had was sorely needed and definitely helped his physical condition, but it does nothing to alleviate the bitterness which swiftly settles in. Jungwon smiles at him in the hallway when they’re all waiting to be ferried to the company, but it’s his leader smile and not his Jungwon smile. There’s nothing personal there. When Jay tries to hold eye contact, Jungwon’s gaze simply slides away like a fawn on ice. He doesn’t know why that makes him angry.

His mood is worsened when the company van arrives outside their dorm. It’s not like they have a seating arrangement for their van but for as long as he can remember, Jay and Jungwon have sat next to each other in the vast majority of these rides. That’s just the way it’s always been. Which is why it annoys him when Jungwon eagerly leaps in first and grabs Sunoo’s wrist to tug him into the seat next to Jungwon.

He does all this without sparing a glance at Jay. Maybe if he did, Jay could believe he was just being cheeky. Bratty. Jungwon likes playing games like that with him. But the avoidance makes him know this is real.

Heeseung's gaze burns on the side of his face and Jay immediately makes his face settle into something more neutral. "Something on my face?" Jay mutters and pushes past him, seating himself next to Niki. Heeseung doesn't respond.

At least the ride to the company doesn't take long. Jay resolutely tunes out Jungwon's murmurs to Sunoo and focuses on watching the world pass by. He wonders if any of the people he sees, like the schoolgirl with the massive backpack or the businessman clutching his briefcase, are vampires too. Did they also need to feed from their best friend for sustenance? Or was it just Jungwon who—

"Ow," Jay hisses, clutching his side. Jesus, Niki's elbows are sharp.

"Sorry," Niki said, not sounding very apologetic at all. He doesn’t even bother turning away from the video he's watching.

Jay's bad mood shows in their rehearsal. The time away from the practice room hasn’t helped his limbs suddenly regain fluidity like he had hoped — he kicks out too far and ends up stumbling into Sunghoon, who shoots him an annoyed look. Jay shoots a look back at him which he hopes accurately conveys blame our leader for annoying slash distracting me. He’s off-beat for the remainder of the choreography and stares into the middle distance when it’s time for the feedback. Their teacher just sighs and tells him to work harder.

Subconsciously, his gaze drifts across the expanse of the mirror to find Jungwon. He’s lined up four members down from Jay, in between Sunoo and Niki. His cheeks are flushed with exertion and Jay realises with a start that he’s never seen that much blood in Jungwon’s cheeks before. Or even at all.

The vampire thing kinda makes sense when he dwells on it. When they get back to the dorm (Jungwon still refusing to sit next to him or make eye contact with him), he sits at his desk and makes a mental checklist of everything he knows about vampires. He really hopes Jake doesn't decide to be nosy, as that would certainly be a conversation he wasn't ready to have.

Jay's high school girlfriend had made him watch Twilight on one of their dates. The experience wasn't exactly enjoyable for him but he can at least remember the evidence the girl in the movie had used.

(Crap, he thinks. I'm the girl from Twilight. His high school girlfriend would trade places with him in a heartbeat.)

Firstly, there was the matter of speed and strength. He racks his brain. Obviously he had never noticed Jungwon running superhumanly fast or something; Jay suspects Jungwon is a much more careful person than that. He supposes that Jungwon's reaction time was quite fast. He always grabbed things the other members dropped before they could reach the ground. And he did seem to fly through choreography sometimes, but Jay always chalked that up to Jungwon being a natural dancer. When it came to strength, he hadn’t noticed much there either. In fact, Jay often beat him whenever they arm wrestled. Now he realises that was maybe all a ruse. He scrawls a question mark on the paper.

Then there was pale white and ice cold skin. Jungwon did run kinda cold, but Jay wouldn't say it was ice cold. Some people were just naturally colder than others, right? And his skin was definitely not pale white. Jay recalls that there were vampires with darker skin in the movie so he just shrugs and attributes that to bad writing. But it was true that Jungwon's cheeks always looked bloodless. Jay sighs and leaves that one with neither tick nor cross.

Eyes change colour. Uh…no. And Jay would unquestionably notice if they ever had. He had a weakness for Jungwon's eyes, which Jungwon exploited to maximum effect. A cross.

Speak as if from a different time. Actually, that one was true. Jungwon often did sound older than he actually (or supposedly) was, with weird slang that fell out of fashion long ago. Even the fans had picked up on it. But he'd said that he was only a few years older than he was supposed to be, right? And, wow, Jay did not like the thought of Jungwon technically being older than him. He pushes that to the back of his mind. A tick.

Never eat or drink anything. Jay thinks about this one extra hard. And then he thinks some more. Panic starts to set in. This whole situation is now somehow beginning to feel more real — because it's true, Jay can't recall seeing Jungwon eat or drink anything. How had he never picked up on that before? Images flash through his mind like a slideshow: Jungwon declaring he already ate or that he wasn't hungry, shaking his head when offered a sip of water after practice, picking at his pizza, transferring some of his mushrooms or radishes or anchovies to Niki because he allegedly disliked the taste then throwing the rest away once they were all done eating, Jungwon talking and talking to provoke others into doing the same so no one would notice he wasn't eating. And so on. Jay stares down at the paper. He feels stupid now that it's literally staring him in the face. A big tick which he goes over until it stands out, dark and vivid.

No going out in the sunlight. Obviously untrue. Jungwon neither sparkles or combusts when they're outside on a sunny day. A cross.

Jay purses his lips and stares down at the sheet of paper. He rules it's inconclusive.

He racks his brain for other vampire lore. Garlic, crosses, holy water, needing an invitation inside. Sleeping in coffins. His head is starting to hurt. Surely none of this applied to Jungwon, the Jungwon he knows. Or knew. It’s hard to reconcile the two different images of Jungwon in his head.

When he comes back to himself, he realises he's been absently tracing the bite mark on his arm. The biggest evidence of all.

Does he even need anything else?

"Jungwon is a vampire," he mumbles to himself. Saying the words out loud doesn’t make him feel any better.

Something impossible to overstate is the sheer volume of work that goes into being an idol. Jay had underestimated that when he had first started training. He hadn’t thought it’d be easy but he had been under the impression it would at least be fun. Something agreeable to spend his days doing instead of working under the thumb of his father. A life of easy work and freedom to be himself, away from his parents — isn’t that what all the rich kids turned idols hoped for?

He’d soon learned that had been a mistaken belief. Now he's intimately acquainted with how hard they need to work — especially because they’re still new on the scene, still trying to maintain a firm foothold in the industry. There’s a lot of effort that goes into that and the group are determined to see it through. So they’re kept busy.

Usually Jay resents not having a spare second to himself but this time is different. This time, he welcomes it because it means he has no time to think about Jungwon and his determination to pretend the whole bathroom incident never happened. It extends beyond that too — that would be one thing, but Jungwon seems intent on ignoring Jay all over again. Jay thought the few extra years of being on Earth would have given Jungwon an advantage in the emotional maturity department, but he guesses not.

Granted, it’s not as bad as it was previously. At least Jungwon doesn’t flee when Jay tries to talk to him now but he's clearly making an effort to distance himself from Jay. Their short conversations never go deeper than deciding what to order for dinner or what they think of the comeback. The one time Jay had tried approaching the topic of Jungwon being a vampire, he had just received a shake of the head and a I’m sorry, hyung, but not right now. And that was that.

Of course, he was now free to think about and get annoyed at Jungwon seeing as they had a gap in their schedule. Once they’d arrived back at their dorm, Jay had retreated to his desk and decided to obsessively research the different blood banks in Seoul. He wonders how Jungwon even breaks into them without detection. The headline idol seen breaking into blood bank would surely be a first.

(Jay refuses to acknowledge that this is jealousy he’s feeling. There’s absolutely no way he’s jealous of a damn blood bag.)

"Hey," says a voice behind him. Jay jumps and swivels around in his desk chair, slamming his laptop shut as he does so. Jungwon is leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. Once again, Jay is struck by how healthy he looks. His eyes are bright and his hair no longer looks brittle. Jay guesses that Jungwon was technically malnourished for a time. It dawns on Jay that it was entirely him, his blood, which eliminated that.

He fights to keep the surprise out of his voice. "Hey," Jay says monotonously. "Finally stopped ignoring me, huh?"

"Yes," Jungwon answers truthfully. He grins and Jay is taken aback at how shameless he's being. Did Jungwon think anything about this situation was funny? "It had to be done, sorry. Needed to do some thinking."

"About what?" Jay asks harshly. The smile fades from Jungwon's face. "I just had my best friend," he lowers his voice, "drink my blood. And you're the one who needed to do some thinking?"

"You're right," Jungwon says quickly. He looks appropriately serious now. He walks forward into Jay's room and closes the door behind him. "I really am sorry. I know that was awful of me. And I just wanted to tell you that you won't have to do it again."

Jay blinks. The shock of hearing that statement causes his anger at Jungwon to momentarily slip his mind. "What? Won't you have to keep drinking from me? I'm totally fine with that so don't…don't stop on my behalf."

Jungwon shakes his head. "I don't need it. I just needed it that one time." He pauses, searching for what to say. "Think of it as a reset. My body just needed to remind itself of what drinking from a human feels like. But I don’t have that urge anymore, so now I can go back to what I was doing before."

"A reset," Jay echoes. Jungwon's looking down at his hands, examining his fingers casually. Too casual. But Jay doesn't want to accuse him of lying, now that Jungwon is opening up to him again. "So back to the blood banks for you then? How often do you need to feed anyway?”

Jungwon snorts and looks up. "Back to the blood banks for me," he confirms. “And usually every couple of weeks but I don’t know if your blood will sustain me for longer. I only take one bag at a time whereas I drank a lot from you.”

“Only one bag?” Jay asks, curious despite himself. “Why not drink multiple? Wouldn’t that mean you could drink less frequently?”

Jungwon shifts slightly. “Sure,” he allows. “But think of it this way — if one bag at a time goes missing then they can just assume some kind of admin error. Maybe someone was forgetful that day, someone put it in the wrong place, bla bla. If multiple go missing then that’s a bit harder to explain away.” He smiles sharply. Jay knows he can't see Jungwon's fangs but he finds his gaze fixated on his teeth anyway. “I’m careful about it.”

“Oh. That makes sense, actually.” Jay scratches his arm absently and Jungwon's eyes track the movement. “But you can still drink from me. It would be a lot easier for you, all things considered.”

Jungwon waves a hand. “There’s no need. Seriously. I get by just fine.” He gestures at Jay’s laptop. "Wanna watch a movie together?"

Subtle change in conversation. "Sure. You pick." Jay hands his laptop over to Jungwon and makes his bed while Jungwon scrolls through Netflix. He settles on some trashy action movie, which at least enables Jay to zone out and not have to think about anything for two hours.

"It's nice to do stuff again," Jungwon says twenty minutes later, his head propped up on Jay's shoulder. His hair tickles Jay's cheek. "I haven't been able to relax in a while, I guess. So thank you." He squeezes Jay's hand and shifts, putting distance between himself and Jay. "Can I see your arm?"

Jay lifts his left arm and shows the underside to Jungwon. He watches Jungwon's expression but sees nothing there. Jungwon simply assesses his arm coolly.

"It's gone now," Jay tells him. He had checked this morning, as he did every morning, and ignored the disappointment that came with seeing a blank canvas. "It's fully healed, I think."

"Fascinating." Jungwon’s tone betrays nothing. Jay feels a flash of annoyance at how even he isn’t safe from Jungwon’s official leader tone of voice. He presses his thumb down on where the pinpricks were, just for a moment. It's hard enough to sting. "Too bad I can't give you another one."

"Too bad," Jay murmurs.

Life continues as normal. Jay had never truly gotten used to Jungwon's abandonment of him and he was nowhere near well-adjusted enough to be satisfied with his own company, so he's pleased that things go back to exactly the way they were before he found out Jungwon's secret. Most of the time, he even forgets Jungwon is a vampire. After all, he acts totally the same — he's still as annoying and thoughtful as ever. Jay feels he may have deluded himself into thinking he could spot signs of Jungwon’s vampirism. It’s not like anyone else had noticed anything out of the ordinary.

He even fishes out the piece of paper he kept in the top drawer of his desk, the one listing the supposed evidence of Jungwon being a vampire. It seems almost whimsical to have made such a thing. He decides to rip it up into little pieces and watches the scraps flutter down into the wastebasket. It doesn’t make him feel as good as he had hoped.

Sometimes, he remembers. It's usually brought on by noticing how Jungwon's smile will randomly grow strained and then he'll put some physical distance between himself and Jay. It would be hard not to pick up on that. Jay doesn't know if he's always been this attuned to Jungwon or if it's a side effect of the whole blood drinking. Regardless, any presumed awkwardness quickly disappears and the two of them are back to hanging off of each other.

Even more rarely, he thinks about it on nights he can't sleep. He'll stare at the ceiling, skating his fingers along his arm to the tune of Jake's snores. And then he lets himself remember and he lets himself want, until his heart is about to beat out of his chest with the force of his wanting. And then he thinks about whether Jungwon is awake too and if he can hear Jay's heart thumping. Whether Jay's blood is calling out to him. And that just makes his heart beat faster until the only thing that can solve it is bringing his forearm up to his own mouth and biting down, down, down all while thinking of Jungwon–

His heartbeat slows and his body sags into the bedsheets. Jay never feels more shame than he does on those nights. The good thing is he never bites down hard enough for the mark to still be visible when he wakes up hours later. In fact, when he comes to, he doesn’t even remember it. Or at least that's what he tells himself.

Things are normal.

"Ugh," Jungwon complains. "I think if I hear that song one more time my eardrums might actually burst."

It's a hot Thursday evening. Other people their age were probably congregating outside ice cream places, cycling alongside Han River, drinking at an outdoor bar. Jay and Jungwon, on the other hand, had decided to commit themselves to learning the choreography for one of their new B-sides. It wasn’t even necessary at this moment in time; their team had told them it’d be first performed at their Seoul concert, which was still a long way off. In fact, all the other members had declined Jungwon’s invitation to the practice room. Jay had been thinking of doing the same, but then Jungwon had turned his eyes on him and sure had flown out of his mouth without his permission. So here they both were.

"I secretly agree," Jay says to Jungwon, "but don't tell anyone I said that."

"It's not really a secret if you tell someone," Jungwon points out. He musses a hand through his hair and pulls a face in the mirror.

Jay finishes taking a swig from his water bottle and flops onto the floor with an oof. His tank top sticks to his back uncomfortably. He lays down and starts to windmill his arms slowly, despite his muscles vigorously protesting.

Jungwon turns away from the mirror to face him. "What are you doing?"

“Snow angels,” Jay says proudly. “Or technically air angels, I guess.”

Jungwon wrinkles his nose and joins him on the floor, just out of reach of sweeping distance. Unlike Jay, he doesn’t lay down fully. Jungwon slouches back and props himself up on his elbows, glancing over. “You’re weird.” Jay pouts and widens his eyes in an approximation of a look belonging to a kicked puppy. Jungwon rolls his eyes. “Don’t try and act cute. Your aegyo doesn’t work on me.”

“Sunoo’s aegyo works on you,” Jay points out.

“Well, that’s Sunoo-hyung,” Jungwon defends himself. “His aegyo works on everyone. You’re just…you. Fundamentally not cute.”

“Ouch,” Jay groans, clutching his chest. “So cruelly abandoned by those who love me and those who need me.” With his other hand, he reaches out to Jungwon’s thigh and begins to walk his fingers up the side of it. “So heartlessly tossed aside by those who swore to—"

Jungwon grabs his hand, lightning-quick. In another flash his body moves so that he’s hovering over Jay, their faces level. Jay’s wrist is still in Jungwon’s hold but pressed against the floor now. It smarts slightly from the force with which Jungwon had basically leaped at him.

“Who said I needed you?” Jungwon says to him in low tones. The lighting makes his eyes look so dark. Jay doesn’t even see his own reflection there. Jay doesn’t reply, breath caught in his throat. He can’t help but be reminded of that time in the bathroom and the way Jungwon had looked at him then. Jay hadn’t realised he was craving seeing that kind of dark, intense look on Jungwon’s face again. Jungwon’s hand tightens on his wrist to the point of pain, like he’s thinking of it too.

Jay’s about to throw caution to the wind and attempt to persuade Jungwon to drink from him, just one more time, but all of a sudden Jungwon rears back and drops Jay’s wrist. His previous expression has been replaced with something stricken, gaze flickering from Jay’s wrist to his neck to his eyes.

“Hyung,” Jungwon says frantically. “Hyung, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even realise that I—”

“What?” Jay says, confused. He draws himself up onto his elbows. “It’s fine, Jungwon. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

He reaches out to Jungwon’s shoulder but Jungwon leans away from his touch. Jay tries not to be offended; Jungwon looks more scared than anything. He refuses to make eye contact with Jay now, staring steadfastly at the door like he’s considering making an escape.

“Jungwon,” Jay says, somewhat exasperatedly. “It’s all good. I’m all good.” He pauses, weighing the next words in his mind. “If you need my blood then just—"

“Stop saying that!” Jungwon shouts, abruptly jumping to his feet. He glowers down at Jay, fists repeatedly clenching and unclenching at his sides. Jay looks up at him, taken back. He’s never seen Jungwon like this. Out of all of them, he’s always had the best handle on his emotions. Jungwon twists away from Jay and continues: “I don’t need your blood. I don’t.” Quieter, almost as if he’s trying to convince himself: “I don’t.”

“Okay,” Jay placates. He stands up too, slowly, like he’s in the vicinity of a wounded animal. “I’m sorry. Forgot I said anything. Let’s just get back to normal.”

Jungwon had been facing away from him but at this he spins around. “Normal,” he spits. “God, you really don’t get it, do you?” He scoffs. “Normal.”

“So what do you want me to say?” Jay snaps. He’s starting to get annoyed. It’s not like he can read Jungwon’s mind. “That things will never be normal again? That we should have never done the whole blood drinking thing in the first place?”

All at once, the fight drains out of Jungwon. His shoulders slump and his face drops alongside them, vehemence evaporating. “Well,” Jungwon sighs. “At least you finally said it. I told you that you didn’t know what you were stepping into.”

“Are you serious?” Jay crosses his arms over his chest. “I was literally just saying that because I thought that’s what you want to hear. don’t believe that and I don’t regret what we did. You needed help so I helped you. Of course I don’t wish it never happened but if you think that, then stop projecting that shit onto me.”

Jungwon scrubs a hand over his face. “You’re right and I’m sorry. I do think it was a mistake but not for the reasons you’re thinking.”

When Jungwon doesn’t expand, Jay prods him. He tries to keep the frustration out of his voice. “So then why?”

Jungwon searches his face for a long moment. His mouth twists and he looks away. Jay knows before Jungwon has even opened his mouth that the conversation is over. “Never mind,” Jungwon says. His tone is cool, neutral. “Let’s just put this behind us. I’m gonna go back to the dorm, you coming?”

“No,” Jay says. His tone isn’t as neutral; he can’t shut off his emotions like Jungwon can. “I’m gonna stay here for a bit. Practice.”

It’s an obvious lie and they both know it, but Jungwon lets it go. He probably understands that Jay needs some space to cool down. “Right. Well, I’ll go then.” Jay watches him collect his belongings in silence. Jungwon slings his bag over his shoulder and walks forward to the door. He hovers for a moment, hand poised over the handle. “Oh, and hyung?”

Jay blinks. “Yes?”

“Just so you know,” Jungwon says quietly, “I don’t think we’ll ever go back to normal again. At least not on my end.”

The door clicks open and Jay watches as Jungwon’s back retreats into the corridor, turning left on his way out. The door swings shut behind him and it takes Jay some time to compose himself. He paces the length of the room as he thinks.

Surprisingly, he feels more defeated than angry. He hates arguing with Jungwon. Arguing with anyone isn’t pleasant, obviously, but it hurts more to do it with Jungwon. It’s much more frustrating to do it with Jungwon too — where other people erupt and divulge all the nasty thoughts they’ve been bottling up, Jungwon is evasive and will twist words around until they no longer mean anything. It’s a talent, actually, and a big part of why he’s such a good leader. Most of the time Jay can admire witnessing him demonstrate his skills, but it’s not so fun to be on the receiving end of it.

But the worst part was the part where Jungwon was actually truthful. It had been something subconscious, acknowledging that their relationship probably would never be able to go back to normal. He never thought about it actively but he realises now that a lot of his interactions with Jungwon since the blood drinking had been coloured with that sentiment, that thought of oh god I’m never gonna stop wanting his fangs in my skin. That had all been on Jay’s part though — he’d never assumed that Jungwon felt the same. After all, he had been the one to act like it never happened in the first place. Jay had supposed that Jungwon merely viewed it as a means to an end, just like he’d said. He needed blood and Jay had given that to him. Simple.

Jay never would have guessed that Jungwon harboured the same doubts as him about their relationship. He’d played the part amazingly and Jay had been thoroughly fooled. At least they both accepted that their relationship was forever changed. Jay no longer cares about the argument. He just wants to patch things up with Jungwon and see what they can do to finally achieve balance. He just didn’t know where to start with something that was so fundamentally different from what they once had.

Jungwon is always the first to apologise. Jay had never not found that strange considering that Jungwon has quite a large prideful streak running through him, but he attributed that to Jungwon being the leader. It’s presumably not very leader-like to hold grudges against your own members.

So Jay waits in his room, not bothering to seek out Jungwon to apologise himself. Partly because he feels he has nothing to apologise for (maybe his own prideful streak is pretty large too) and partly because it never takes long for Jungwon to apologise after a fight.

Just as expected, Jay hears someone clearing their throat and looks up from his phone. Jungwon is slouching in the doorway, his fingers nervously plucking at the hem of his hoodie. It looks three sizes too big for him, to the point he’s swimming in it. He looks exhausted too and the black of his hoodie makes the paleness of his face even more apparent. Jay is overcome with the urge to usher him into bed and cuddle him until he falls asleep. If they hadn’t had that argument then that probably would have been possible.

“Can I come in?” Jungwon asks hesitatingly. Jay can tell he’s nervous from his body language but his face is set in determination.

“Uh, sure.”

Jay sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed so Jungwon has space to sit down. Jungwon leaves about half a foot between them. Their pinky fingers rest next to each other and Jay moves his hand into his lap so he won’t be tempted to grab Jungwon’s hand.

Jungwon gets right into it. “I just wanted to apologise,” he says in a measured voice, “for blowing up at you yesterday. You didn’t deserve that and I’m sorry. Truthfully, I’ve just been…worried about our relationship. I don’t want to lose you as a friend and ever since you-know-what happened, it’s been in the back of my mind that you feel differently about me.”

Unwittingly, Jay thinks of being alone in his bed, of his body begging for another bite from Jungwon until he has to take care of it himself. His body flashes hot and he trains his gaze on the wall opposite so that his expression doesn’t betray him. Had Jungwon’s hearing picked up what transpired on those nights?

“But you said yourself that we’ll never go back to normal,” Jay reminds him.

“I did,” Jungwon agrees. “That’s something I’m working through myself. You don’t have to worry about it.” At Jay’s look, he sighs. “I know how that sounds. But you just gotta trust me on this one, okay? Please, hyung?”

Jay’s mind strays to what he’d admitted to himself after the fight — their relationship wouldn’t be the same again. Not on his end and evidently not on Jungwon’s. But that didn’t mean it couldn’t be normal. Maybe they could just…make a new normal. Relationships evolve and adapt, right? He’s pretty sure anyone’s relationship with their best friend would change after said best friend drank their blood. That doesn’t mean the change is necessarily a bad thing. What’s more, one thing’s for certain: he has no more fight left in him.

“Okay,” Jay says. He finally turns to look at Jungwon. “I trust you. And I accept your apology.”

Jungwon blinks, like he hadn’t expected it to be that easy. “Apology accepted? That’s it?”

“That’s it,” Jay confirms. “But you gotta tell me these things, okay? I can’t read your mind.”

“I will,” Jungwon promises, eyes widening for emphasis. He looks earnest enough to set Jay’s mind at ease. Even if he had been truly mad he would have caved at this point. It’s hard to say no to Jungwon when he looks like that.

“Well, that’s over.” He smiles to break the tension. Jungwon smiles back. They’re Jay-and-Jungwon again, as simple as that. “You need to get some sleep, I think. You can crash here.”

Jungwon must really be tired because he doesn’t even bother protesting that statement. He just nods and worms his way under Jay’s duvet, holding one side up as an invitation for Jay. Jay takes off his own hoodie and slides in beside him. His bed isn’t that big so to make it work they end up spooning, Jay’s front pressed to Jungwon’s back.

Jay squeezes Jungwon and Jungwon shifts against him. “Sleep,” he mumbles into Jungwon’s hair and Jungwon stills.

Jay hadn’t thought he was that tired and had been expecting to just rest his eyes while Jungwon slept, but exhaustion hits him out of nowhere. He breathes in Jungwon’s scent and drifts off to the sound of his own relaxed heartbeat.

He awakes with a jolt a few hours later. At least he assumes it’s nighttime, as there’s no sunlight filtering through the curtains and Jake’s back is to him in his own bed. Jay watches him breathe deeply for a few moments before he blearily realises that Jungwon is missing from his bed. The side of the sheets where he’d slept still retains a bit of warmth, so Jay figures he might have just gone to take a shower or eat dinner. Yet he doesn’t hear the shower running and he can’t hear anything in the kitchen. Maybe Jungwon went to his own bed.

Jay begins to get a bit of a weird feeling, as if something is amiss. He wouldn’t care if Jungwon went back to his own room but for some reason it doesn’t feel like that’s what happened. He lays in bed and waits for the feeling to disappear. When it gets even stronger, like something prodding at his skull, he decides to check on Jungwon for his own peace of mind.

Jay tiptoes out of the room, careful not to wake Jake, and pulls the door closed behind him. It doesn’t make any sound, thankfully. There’s no one inside the bathroom, so Jay is about to open the door to the room that the other members share until he hears the distinctive sound of tearing plastic from the kitchen. He lightly crosses the dorm and reaches the entrance to the kitchen.

The weird feeling intensifies — usually they always leave the kitchen door fully open to make life easier. An odd sense of deja vu swarms his body. It’s nighttime, he’s standing in front of a slightly-ajar door, and Jungwon’s whereabouts are currently unknown. He prepares himself to see the worst and pushes the door open.

Jay doesn’t know what it says about him that when confronted with the image of Jungwon holding a package of raw beef above his head so he can direct the watery blood into his open mouth, his first thought is not again.

Jungwon whirls around and drops the package onto the counter. He hurriedly wipes the sleeve of his hoodie across his mouth and stares at Jay, wide-eyed. Jay stares back and, without breaking eye contact, presses against the kitchen door until it closes with a snick. He sees Jungwon’s fangs recede now that he’s stopped drinking.

“So,” Jay starts. Jungwon is still staring at him like a kid who’s just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. It’s not an inaccurate analogy. “Remember when you said you only needed to drink from me once?”

“I had to stop,” Jungwon blurts out. “I don’t…I lied when I said that I only needed it once. That one time wasn’t enough. But I had to stop that because…”

“Because?” Jay prompts. He’s angry, he realises. The back of his neck feels itchy and hot. He hates it more than anything when Jungwon lies to him. And he lied to him again, after promising he’d be truthful. Underneath the anger, though, is concern. Jungwon shouldn’t have to be so desperate that he resorts to such lengths as drinking literal cow blood. From a dead cow, but still.

“Because…” Jungwon starts. He takes a deep breath and steels himself, eyes dark. His gaze lands on Jay’s clavicle and he leans forward as if entranced. “Because it scared me how much I wanted it. How much I wanted to taste you again. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it, hyung, every second of every day. That scared me. So I came up with a lie and said it was all better now, that you didn’t need to do that for me again. After that, it was getting hard for me to control myself around you. I thought maybe if we were around each other a lot then my body would get accustomed to you and adjust. That my body would go back to being the way it was.” He glances at the raw beef almost forlornly. “But I still…”

There are a million different things Jay could focus on in that little speech. Should focus on, actually. His mind, however, is stuck on one thing and one thing only — me me me he wants my blood. He has to actively stop his chest from puffing out in pride. The rational part of his brain is telling him to not make the same mistake again. That he should leave the room before Jungwon's pitiful face sways him to do something he shouldn't. Too bad Jay’s never been a rational person.

"Just feed from me." It comes out much more breathy than Jay had meant it to and he clears his throat. "Just feed from me. I keep telling you that I'm totally fine with it so stop worrying. It's just blood."

"Right," Jungwon nods, "it's just blood."

In a blink of an eye Jungwon is already standing right in front of him. Well, that hadn't taken much convincing. Jungwon's fingers circle Jay's wrist. He feels a lot calmer now than he did the first time around. It also looks like he isn’t in imminent danger of being ravaged by Jungwon. In fact, there’s something almost serene in Jungwon’s expression.

“Ready?” Jungwon asks, holding up Jay’s arm. At Jay’s nod, he bites down.

His fangs tear through Jay’s skin and Jay instinctually tries to reel back from the pain, but Jungwon’s grip isn’t budging. Jay struggles again, starting to panic. It hurts a lot more than the first time had, tears pricking at his eyes, and it doesn’t feel like the pain will dissipate. If anything, it gets worse. Jungwon moves his head slightly and Jay feels another stab of agony.

“Jungwon, stop,” he gasps.

Jungwon doesn’t stop. He makes a noise and reaches out with his other hand supernaturally fast. He presses Jay flush against the door so he’s caught between the door and Jungwon, and— oh. Jay relaxes. The pain trickles out of him and his mind is once again occupied by that filmy haze. His breathing evens out and he stops thinking about anything. He absently cards a hand through Jungwon’s hair and tilts his head back against the door, closing his eyes. God, he’d missed this so much.

He doesn’t know how long it takes for Jungwon to get his fill but it feels like not enough time has passed before Jungwon decides it’s done and withdraws his fangs. As Jungwon cleans up, kitchen towel working gently down the length of Jay’s arm, Jay slowly comes back to himself. He opens his eyes and has a cup of something immediately thrust into his hand. Mango juice, judging by the carton on the counter.

“If you freak out,” Jungwon lectures gently, “then it won’t be very enjoyable for you. So try not to do that next time.”

“I know that now,” Jay responds on autopilot. He takes the cup of juice Jungwon offers to him and downs it in one gulp. Then his brain catches up. “Wait, next time?”

Jungwon smiles uncertainly. His eyes shine in the bright fluorescent light. “Only if you’re up for it.”

Jay doesn’t even have to think about it. “Yes, of course. Whatever helps you. You don’t even have to ask.”

Jungwon purses his lips and takes the cup from Jay. As he washes it up in the sink, Jay traces the twin holes on his arm. He thinks they look slightly bigger than last time. He presses a nail against one of them and has to swallow a yelp.

“If we’re gonna actually do this,” Jungwon says with a hint of resignation, “then we should really get a supply of orange juice in here.”

Jay watches him check the contents of the fridge. He finds it fascinating to watch the changes take effect in Jungwon as soon as he’s done feeding from Jay. Just like last time, he already seems healthier. Stronger. Jay wonders if he could rip the fridge door clean off its hinges and suppresses a shiver.

Jungwon, either not caring about or not noticing the effect of Jay’s internal musings, surveys the fridge shelves with his hands on his hips. It’s all standard junk food you would expect to find in a dorm shared by seven young men — none of them really cook. At least Jungwon has a legitimate excuse for not bothering to learn how to dice onions. The rest of them are just lazy.

Jay finally unsticks himself from the door and nudges Jungwon’s shoulder with his. “We’ve done well so far. I’m sure we’ll manage. I trust you.” Jungwon inhales and doesn’t say anything else. He closes the fridge. It’s a wonder that no one has come stumbling in here yet. Jungwon is still staring straight ahead blankly, lost in thought. Jay sighs and pokes him in the back. “Stop worrying, alright? We’re gonna be absolutely fine.”

Jungwon unexpectedly turns and hugs him. “Thanks, hyung. For everything.” He tilts his head up to look at Jay. “You’ve been so good.”

“Yeah,” Jay rasps out. He clears his throat and pats Jungwon’s back until Jungwon disentangles himself. “I think I should probably have dinner.”

Jungwon nods hastily. “Of course. You want me to keep you company or…”

“Nah, it’s okay,” Jay says. He means it; he needs to get hold of his bearings. And Jungwon leaves him distinctly unmoored. “You should get some more rest anyway. You’ve been so tired recently.”

“Right.” Jungwon smiles at him, small but genuine. “Thanks again, hyung. Eat well.”

“I will. Good night.”

Jay sits down at the table and watches Jungwon close the door behind him. He waits for the sound of footsteps to retreat. Once it’s silent outside, he spares a moment to sink forward until his head touches the table. Quietly, though, so the others can’t hear him. He rests his head, admiring the coolness of the table against his forehead. “What are you doing, Park Jongseong?” he whispers to himself. The fridge hums its agreement.

They begin to develop a schedule. Jungwon feeds from Jay roughly once a week. It's difficult to find time and space to do it – Jungwon's room is always a no-go as he shares it with three other people and Jay's room, while a bit more accessible, also isn't fully protected against Jake sauntering in. Jay really wishes they had their own rooms. Maybe the company should have planned for the unlikely scenario of a vampire idol feeding off of his human groupmate.

Most of the time they do it in the kitchen while everyone else is (presumably) asleep, Jay pressed against the counter while Jungwon sucks from his arm desperately. They never do it in the bathroom, for fear that it will be too loud and that bloodsucking in a bathroom just seems dodgier than bloodsucking in a kitchen. Jay also suspects that, for whatever reason, Jungwon doesn't want to be reminded of the first time he had fed from Jay. Thus the kitchen is usually their backdrop.

Navigating their new dynamic was easier than Jay expected. For the most part they act the same. The only difference was that they were now more clingy. They touched each other a lot more — Jay tousling Jungwon's hair or back hugging him more frequently, Jungwon casually reaching for Jay's hand when they were near each other or hooking their ankles together under the table. Jungwon also slept a lot more in Jay's bed, more often than in his own bed, and Jay usually woke up with a mouthful of Jungwon's hair. They just naturally gravitated towards each other.

Jay didn't even think about the physicality of it; his mind would just push him to touch Jungwon, he would obey, and that was it. No further thought. He didn't know if it was the same for Jungwon or if Jungwon was doing it more consciously. Jay had no preference either way. He just liked touching Jungwon and liked Jungwon touching him. It was simple, when he put it like that.

Now was one of the rare times that they were apart. Jungwon had been called to a meeting so Jay was laying on his bed, restlessly flicking through the apps on his phone. Being separated from Jungwon felt more and more foreign these days and it was difficult for him to focus. He alternates between scrolling through Twitter and Weverse, not registering what he's seeing on either app. He receives a text from Jungwon, a simple coming hyung, and Jay feels momentarily embarrassed about how he immediately perks up.

He wonders if Jungwon feels that same itch between his shoulder blades when they're not together, if he feels as lost without Jay as Jay does without him. They should probably have a conversation about it at one point. It's not like he's avoiding the topic — he just forgets about broaching it when he's with Jungwon. Which is quite a lot of the time.

It's silent in the dorm. Sunghoon and Sunoo are out eating together and Heeseung had dragged Jake and Niki along to meet one of his friends from school. He'd invited Jay too but Jay had declined on account of wanting to greet Jungwon when he came back. As such, the silence enables him to hear movement elsewhere in the dorm. There's a patter of feet in the hallway and the bedroom door clicks open.

"Hi," they say simultaneously. They grin at each other. Jungwon is wearing a simple T-shirt and jeans, foregoing his usual hoodie due to the weather. Before he left Jay had told him he looks nice, the same way he looks nice in everything. It was a special talent of Jungwon's, he thinks.

Without warning Jungwon dumps his bag on the floor and bodily flops onto Jay, who lets out a small oof. Jungwon immediately presses his face into Jay’s neck and inhales deeply. It makes Jay’s body tingle pleasantly. Jungwon inhales again and his body relaxes into Jay’s.

“Do I smell that good?” he jokes.

“I’m not answering that,” Jungwon mumbles after pulling back. He stretches out his legs and shifts around, trying to find a comfortable position. Once he’s settled in, he adds: “But I wouldn’t be scenting you like that if you smelt bad, would I?”

“True,” Jay concedes. “What do I smell like anyway?”

Jungwon thinks for a stretch of a few minutes. “I’m not sure how to explain it,” he says finally. “Everyone has their own unique smell once you get close enough. From a distance, it's all just blood." He makes a face. "Not you, though. I can pick you out anywhere. You smell like…" Something flashes across his face but it's gone before Jay can decipher it. "You just smell heavy. Distinct."

"Heavy." The word sits on his tongue. "That's not very insightful." Jungwon shrugs as much as he can in this position. "But it's pretty cool that you can pick me out like that."

"Your heartbeat too," Jungwon tacks on suddenly. "I can hear it even when we're not together. Although it doesn't seem to carry across large distances."

"Huh," Jay says, staring up at the ceiling. Did that mean…nope, he wasn't going there. That train of thought was being abandoned. "How was the meeting?"

"Same old, same old." He positions himself over Jay, eyes glinting. "But do you know what manager-hyung asked me afterwards?"

"What?"

"He asked," Jungwon widens his eyes faux-innocently, "what I had been doing recently to make you so agreeable. And then he said, and I quote, just keep doing what you're doing because it's making my life a lot easier."

Jay knows what he's talking about. Sleeping in the same bed as Jungwon had meant he didn't spend half the night tossing and turning anymore, and he therefore woke up earlier. On particularly busy days, their manager would come in the mornings and help Jungwon corral the others into getting up. Jay was notoriously infamous for needing multiple attempts to get him out of bed. Now he would be up at the same time as Jungwon and help in the whole rigmarole. Their manager was suspicious and eventually caved in, asking Jay a few days ago why he was suddenly such a morning person. Jay had just shrugged and said that Jungwon helped reset his sleeping schedule, which was true. But Jungwon evidently had other ideas for the reason behind it.

"Imagine that," he crows, "manager-hyung stamping his seal of approval on me drinking from you. If only he knew, huh?" Jungwon leans in and his teeth snap at the air next to Jay's neck. They're blunt, ordinary human teeth, but there's a tug in Jay's stomach regardless.

Jungwon smirks down at him, clearly pleased with himself. Jay wonders if he's paying attention to Jay's heartbeat right now.

"Ha ha, very funny," he deadpans. If Jungwon keeps staring down at him with that look in his eye Jay might do something very embarrassing. "Now get back down here."

Without protest, Jungwon sinks back down and rearranges himself so their fronts are plastered to each other. His head lolls into the crook of Jay's neck and his hand comes up to trace the underside of Jay's jaw. They cuddle like this frequently — the first time they did it Jay thought it would've been uncomfortable but it had oddly worked. It's a comfort thing, he thinks. Jungwon is like his own personal blanket.

They rest in silence, chests rising and falling evenly. Their breathing has synced up. Jungwon had told him that vampires didn't need to breathe but it was such an ingrained instinct that they couldn't stop it anyway. Or at least Jungwon couldn't. He had never met another vampire, after all. But Jay thought that reasoning made sense. It makes him think of something else too, something he's been meaning to ask.

“Hey.” Jay jostles Jungwon to get his attention. “Is it cool if I, like, ask you a question? About…you know?”

Jungwon sighs and sits up fully, thighs bracketing Jay's. “There’s no one else here, hyung,” he reminds Jay. “You can say vampire.”

“Noted,” Jay says. "Okay, about being a vampire then."

"Go ahead."

"I was just thinking that I don't really know a lot about…well, you." At Jungwon's frown he elaborates hastily, "I mean like before we met. I don’t even know how old you were when you were turned." A stray thought hits him and he slaps his hand to his forehead. "Please don't tell me you're actually fifteen or something."

Jungwon throws his head back and laughs. "No," he chortles. "No, I was turned when I was eighteen. I was born in 2001." He rubs the back of his neck, looking sheepish in a way that was very unlike Jungwon. "Before I started training, before I was turned, I came up with the lie that I was born in 2004 and stuck to it. I thought it would improve my chances. I guess the company just didn't bother to check my birth records, or maybe they did and just didn't care that I was lying. They probably think it shows initiative or something." He shrugs. "I guess I got lucky with the whole frozen-in-time thing. Maybe the vampire who bit me was doing me a favour."

He vaguely registers that it makes sense but Jay's mind is a feedback loop of one thing. "Hold on," he says, "you were born in 2001? So you're technically my hyung?" He makes a face. "Do you want me to call you hyung?"

"No!" Jungwon exclaims. It's a touch too loud and they both startle. Jungwon looks embarrassed but he ploughs on, "No, you're my hyung. In all the ways that count. Seriously, I don't want you to think about it." He runs a hand back through his hair. Jay notes that he looks vaguely scared at the prospect of Jay acknowledging their new age difference. "See, this is why I never brought it up before. I was afraid of this exact thing."

Jay raises his eyebrows. "Uh, sorry?"

Jungwon pats his chest. "No, it's okay. It's nice that you asked, to be honest. I've never been able to tell anyone before." He plucks at the collar of Jay's tank top. "Was there anything else you wanted to know?"

This has also been on Jay's mind. "Your family."

"Oh." Jungwon looks surprised that Jay went there first. "Well, everything you know already is true. They just don't know about me being a vampire." He yawns, slapping a hand over his mouth. "I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess."

"Huh," Jay muses. He's struck again by how alone Jungwon must have felt, not being able to tell those you love most your biggest secret. How did he even deal with it? Eighteen-year-old Jungwon, scared and left for dead in the street. Having something so fundamental as his humanity stripped from him, just like that. And yet still being able to push himself hard enough to ensure he debuted. "Jungwonnie…" He doesn't know how to say what he wants to say. He opens his mouth then closes it. "Let's nap, okay? We can play Q-and-A later."

"Sure," Jungwon says somewhat dubiously. His eyes rake over Jay's face for a couple of moments but he slides off Jay and to his side. They face each other on their sides and get comfortable. Jungwon snuggles into Jay, clutching at his back, and Jay puts his own arm around Jungwon's back in return.

Jay waits. Once Jungwon's breathing is deep and even, he finally releases a shuddering breath and presses a gentle kiss to Jungwon's crown. Like always, he doesn’t even think about it — it's a simple push from his brain, a command to show Jungwon how much Jay appreciates him. Jungwon deserves some kind of acknowledgement, after all, and a kiss does the job nicely. Jay drifts off to the thought of absolutely nothing.

"Movie night, movie night, movie night," Jungwon chants under his breath as he skates a hand down Jay's back.

Jay throws him a sidelong glance. Jungwon is practically skipping up the stairs to their apartment. "Should I be worried that this is the most excited I've seen you for movie night in, like, ever?"

It had been a long day. They’d woken up early for a showcase, then had a fansign, then gone to vocal practice, then filmed an interview, then grabbed dinner from a local restaurant. All in all, Jay honestly just wanted to sleep. But movie night was tradition for he and Jungwon, and if he slept now then they’d have to wait for their next movie night to roll around. So Jay had chosen to down three cups of coffee instead.

“I just can’t wait to watch it with you, hyung,” Jungwon says sweetly. “Don’t you trust me?”

Jay sighs. “Not when you’re acting like this, I’m afraid. What are we watching anyway?”

“You’ll see once we get inside,” Jungwon says, smirking. “Race you to your room?” He abandons Jay and runs up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He pushes past a bewildered Niki and disappears around the curve of the staircase.

Jay doesn’t bother going after him. The fact that the elevator was under maintenance wasn’t helping how much he wanted to crawl into bed and running up the stairs really wouldn’t be conducive to his goal of staying awake for at least a couple more hours.

He arrives at the dorm a few minutes later and toes off his shoes, trying to hide the fact that he's winded just from climbing the stairs. He really needs to join Sunghoon in his work-out sessions.

Jake steps up behind him and nudges Jay's shoulder to get his attention. "Let me know when you and Jungwon are done so I can crash."

"Sure," Jay agrees and Jake moves into the living room, presumably to set up a video game.

Unsurprisingly, Jungwon is already laid out on Jay's bed with Jay's laptop open on his lap. Jay doesn't bother asking how Jungwon knows his password. Jungwon looks up at him and shakes his head at him in mock disappointment. “You didn’t even put up a fight.”

Jay snorts and lays down next to Jungwon. "Not enough incentive. And even just walking up those stairs is a nightmare, I didn’t want to think about running them too."

Jay catches Jungwon's smirk out of the corner of his eye. "Is finding out we're watching Twilight not enough incentive for you?"

Jay heaves a deep sigh and knocks his head back against the headboard. "Of all the movies out there? Really?"

Jungwon pouts and Jay swiftly diverts his eyes. "You don't wanna watch it?"

"It's a bit…on-the-nose," Jay tries. "And my ex already made me watch it with her."

Jungwon's typing pauses, hands hovering over the keyboard. "Oh," he says without inflection. He casts a glance at Jay out of the corner of his eye and resumes his typing. Then: "What was she like? Your ex?"

Jay shrugs. "I don't know. She was nice. And fun. I don't really think of her nowadays. But I liked hanging out with her. It was your typical high school relationship, I'm not sure they count for anything."

"Ah," Jungwon says. The movie starts to play. "I wouldn't know."

"Really?" Jay asks curiously. This conversation is much more interesting than the film. He nudges Jungwon's shoulder and adopts a teasing tone. "No dashing boy or girl in your past?"

"No, unfortunately," Jungwon mutters. The line of his body is tense against Jay's.

"That's surprising," Jay says truthfully. "Because you're so…you. But you're still young anyway, you have plenty of time." He barks a laugh. "I guess you don't even need to think about having enough time in your life for that, huh?"

Jungwon looks at him for a few moments, gaze heavy. "I guess not," he says finally and turns back to the laptop screen.

"I never understood why they had them just switch high schools instead of going to university," Jay remarks when the Cullens first show up on screen. "Or even just have them as unemployed adults. Like, nobody would care."

Jungwon sniffs. "Actually, that's a common misconception. In the books it's mentioned that they did study at university and Edward and Rosalie even became doctors."

Jay stares at him, face agog. "God, please don't tell me you read the books."

Jungwon waves a hand, grinning a little. "They were trashy fun. Perfectly enjoyable for some brain-off reading."

"Eurghhh," Jay groans, covering his face with his hands. "I can't believe someone who read the Twilight books is drinking my blood."

Jungwon pokes the only uncovered part of Jay's face, which happens to be his forehead. "There's nothing shameful about it. You'd probably enjoy them too if you read them."

Jay takes his hands off his face and gives a deadpan stare to Jungwon. "I seriously doubt that. This movie is bad enough."

Jungwon sighs and chooses not to engage any further. He slouches down into Jay's pillow and rests his head on Jay's shoulder, balancing the laptop in his lap. Jay puts his arm around him so it's more comfortable for the both of them and strokes Jungwon's arm lightly.

"Your bed is uncomfortable," Jungwon complains ten minutes later. Jay jolts; he'd actually been getting invested in this storyline. "Can I move over?"

Jay looks over at the two inches of free space on his other side. "Um."

"Not like that," Jungwon says impatiently. "I mean in your lap." He taps Jay's chest. "So I can lean against you instead."

Jay blinks. "Oh, um. Sure."

Jungwon pauses the movie and clambers onto Jay's lap somewhat awkwardly, the laptop set aside on the bed. Jungwon is heavier than he looks, actually, but it's not uncomfortable. It's kind of nice. Once Jungwon is settled in properly, he brings the laptop back onto his lap and Jay sort of rests his head against Jungwon's. They continue watching the movie and Jungwon starts idly playing with one of Jay's hands a few minutes later.

They're interrupted by the door opening and they look up simultaneously.

“Just getting my charger,” Jake says awkwardly. He hovers in the doorway like he’s unsure of whether he’s allowed to come in or not. “Sorry for interrupting.”

“You’re not,” Jay and Jungwon both say, although Jay notices he sounds more indignant than Jungwon.

"Right. Well." Jake crosses the threshold and rifles through the mess of stuff on his bedside table. Jay watches him sneak another look at them before locating his charger. He pulls it free and waves it at them. "Enjoy your movie then."

He all but scampers out, shutting the door behind him. That was weird, Jay thinks. But Jungwon doesn't comment on it and has his eyes glued to the screen, so Jay winds an arm around Jungwon's waist and forces his attention back to the movie.

Jay knows that Jake has told Sunghoon about what he saw yesterday when Sunghoon sidles up to him backstage. Jungwon is mercifully on the other side of the room, talking to their managers about the schedule for the next few days. Jay hopes that means he’s too focused on that conversation to hear what Sunghoon is saying.

“So,” Sunghoon says to him in an undertone, drawing the syllable out. “Heard you and Jungwon have been getting very close lately.”

Annoyingly, Jay feels a flush crawl up the back of his neck. He rolls back his shoulders as if that will dispel it and throws Sunghoon a look. “It’s me and Jungwon. We’ve always been close.”

“Sure,” Sunghoon drawls, “but not that close.” He throws his hands up and smirks. “Don't start getting all huffy with me, I just think it’s cute. It's always nice to see friendship blossom."

Jay feels frustration creep up on him. Sunghoon looks knowing. He should never have that kind of expression on his face; it’s downright weird.

“Dude, it’s really nothing,” Jay tells him quietly. He’s conscious of the other members milling around. Especially Jungwon, who’s still locked into that conversation with the managers but keeps darting his eyes over to Jay and Sunghoon. “I don’t know what Jake told you but I think he just has an overactive imagination.”

Sunghoon raises his eyebrows, apparently mystified. At least the smug expression has vanished. “Jake? Who said anything about Jake?” He jerks his head over to Sunoo having his hair done. Oh. “Maybe you’re not as subtle as you think you are, if there's multiple people picking up on it.”

“I think all of you should get your own lives,” Jay grumbles. “It’s really not that interesting.”

Sunghoon laughs. “Don’t take it like that. We’re just glad you guys got over what was going on before. It’s nice that you’re friends again.”

“Yup,” Jay agrees, desperate for this conversation to end. Any minute now Jungwon will be freed from the managers’ clutches and come strolling over here.

Sunghoon sighs and pats Jay on the shoulder. “Just don’t mess it up again, okay? We don’t need to deal with round two of that drama.”

“What makes you think that I—” Jay starts but Sunghoon is already off, plopping into the seat next to Sunoo. Whatever.

Across the room, Jungwon finds a lull in his conversation and mouths good? to him. Jay gives him a thumbs-up. He only refuses to overthink how he automatically softens at Jungwon’s answering smile because he knows that Sunghoon's watching him in the mirror. That's probably what he'd been hoping for — a front-row seat to Jay's impending crisis. With his hand back at his side, he subtly flips Sunghoon off and ignores the subsequent snort.

Jungwon looks at Jay again and his brow creases slightly. When Jay shakes his head, his face relaxes and he turns back to his conversation. Jay can’t help glancing to the side and Sunghoon raises his eyebrows at him mockingly.

"So much for not being interesting," Sunghoon mutters when Jay reaches over to grab his phone charger off the table. Jay stomps on his foot.

Jay isn't ignorant. He knows that when it comes to any type of media with vampires, they're always depicted as biting from the neck. It’s inherently intimate, he thinks. To have someone so close to him while he’s in such a vulnerable position, knowing that if the vampire — okay, Jungwon — miscalculated then Jay would bleed out in two seconds flat. That requires a certain degree of trust. And not that Jay didn’t trust Jungwon but there had been a difference between trusting human Jungwon and trusting vampire Jungwon, back when Jay had found it difficult to conceive of the two together. That’s why they’d gone for the arm instead. The arm wasn’t as…provocative as the neck. It was a safe place.

Now, however, Jay had been doing a lot of thinking. He literally trusts Jungwon with his life. He doesn’t see any danger in allowing Jungwon to start drinking from his neck. Jungwon would be careful, he knew that definitively. What gave him more pause was thinking about how it would work. Whenever Jungwon drank from Jay he was always kept at a distance, a small amount of space left between their bodies when Jungwon bent his head and drank. If he drank from Jay’s neck, on the other hand, they’d be pressed flush against each other and Jungwon’s head would be right next to his. Jungwon clings to him all the time -– heck, it wasn’t any different from how they usually cuddled. Yet Jay always felt a stab of something in his stomach when he thought about this specifically.

Still, he tells himself it’s only because his brain can’t comprehend something so unfamiliar. Once they make that first leap, once Jungwon drinks from his neck, it’ll feel the same as drinking from the arm does. It’s just some kind of mental barrier and soon enough he’ll stop feeling weird about it.

(Of course, the idea that they continue the bloodsucking from the arm had crossed his mind. Jungwon had never even once mentioned Jay’s neck or indicated that he’d like to bite Jay’s neck. But Jay figures he might as well go all-out for the full vampire experience. It’s not like he would get another chance in life to know what it feels like to have a vampire suck his blood from his neck.)

Jungwon had been perfectly accepting when Jay had told him of his potential plan. And a bit surprised too.

“You’re sure?” he presses Jay, an eyebrow raised. “You’re absolutely sure you want me to drink from your neck?”

It was a Saturday morning. He’d been woken up early by Jake leaving to meet a friend, something which Jake had told him about yesterday. “Sorry if I wake you up tomorrow,” he’d said, “but my friend is leaving to go back to Australia and the morning is the only time I can meet him.” Jay had assured him it was fine and then he’d done some swift calculations while Jake turned back to his phone. To be frank, the neck-drinking had been on his mind a lot lately. Thinking of it was addictive because that drop in his stomach never went away. Jay felt like a child who’d just discovered his new favourite toy, pulling the string to receive the same results every time. He’d mentally organised their schedules and worked out that this morning was really the best time to try it out. The only time, in fact. They had a lot of things going on and Jay didn't know when the next available slot was.

He'd heard Jake get dressed and leave while Jungwon slept peacefully next to him. (Jake hadn't even brought up the fact that Jungwon and Jay were now sharing a bed, which Jay was grateful for. He should buy a token of appreciation.)

Then Jay, unable to get back to sleep, had kept on starting new sentences in his mind and turning them over for analysis. He was making it more difficult than it needed to be. How hard was it to ask Jungwon to bite his neck?

After the sunshine had started to fully filter through the curtains, Jay had been distracted from his thoughts by the way Jungwon had rolled over and started to wake up. He always enjoyed watching this process when he could, especially as Jungwon was usually the early riser out of the two of them. First, Jungwon would stretch out a little. Then his eyebrows would draw together and he'd lose that slack expression he got from sleep. He makes a small noise and his eyelashes flutter once. It's very adorable but if he told Jungwon that then Jungwon would probably bite him. And not in the way Jay was hoping for.

Finally, Jungwon opens his eyes. "Hi," he greets, voice rough with sleep. He thankfully doesn't comment on the fact that Jay's watching him like a creep.

"Hi yourself," Jay responds, pitching his voice low. It's embarrassing that even seeing Jungwon as human as can be makes him think of fangs in his neck, makes him want. "Sleep well?"

"Mmm," Jungwon hums, rolling onto his back and stretching out fully. "I don't know why but I sleep so much better in your bed."

"Good." Jay drums his fingers on his thigh and focuses his gaze on the ceiling. So, about drinking from my neck…. It wasn’t that difficult. "That's good."

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Jungwon's head turn towards him. "Uh oh," Jungwon says, somewhat amused. "Am I in trouble?"

Jay blinks. "For what?"

Jungwon waves a hand. "You know, hogging your bed." His tone is airy but Jay detects a hint of nerves underneath the surface. "You can just tell me to get out, you know."

Jay rolls onto his side and props himself up on an elbow. This wouldn't do. "If I didn't want you here," he says slowly for emphasis, "then I would've already told you that. You're perfectly welcome in my bed." He flushes a little at how that comes out but Jungwon pretends not to notice.

"Okay," Jungwon says dubiously. His gaze searches Jay's face. "So why are you so nervous all of a sudden?"

It's now or never. “Er.” Desperation outweighs embarrassment. He's just gonna go for it. “How do you feel about drinking from my neck?”

Jungwon’s hand spasms and shoots out across the mattress. It halts in its path and Jungwon stares at it in confusion, like he hadn’t been in control of any of that. He visibly shakes himself then sits up. “Your neck? Are you sure? I mean yes, I’d do it, but…”

So here they were. Jay feels momentarily sheepish that he’d sprung this on Jungwon literally as soon as he woke up, but it needed to be done now. Well, it wasn’t needed. Jay just wanted it. But Jungwon had agreed to it, so he sees no reason to stop his mind from doing a victory lap.

It’s more difficult to imagine it at this current point in time, with Jungwon looking so sleepy and cute next to him. The effect of thinking of Jungwon at his throat is kind of diminished. Vampires, he thinks, shouldn’t be allowed to wear pajamas if they wanted to be taken seriously. The whole setting was comical, in fact. They hadn’t even showered or brushed their teeth. All-in-all, it wasn’t very grandiose. Jay wondered if biting your first neck was cause for celebration in vampire culture. Probably. Maybe he should have decked the room out in balloons or something.

After Jungwon double-checks that Jay is perfectly happy to have Jungwon sink his fangs into his neck, they turn to the logistics.

"It would be most comfortable for you if we did it when I'm…" He gestures at Jay's body and Jay raises an eyebrow in question. Jungwon coughs and looks away. "In your lap."

"Oh!" Jay says, surprised. "Um, sure. So long as it's comfortable for you too."

"I guess we'll find out," Jungwon says and he directs Jay to lean his back against the headboard. Once he's in the correct position, he looks to Jungwon for approval. Right before Jungwon is about to shuffle forward he makes a small oh! sound and slides off the bed. He runs out of the room and motions to Jay to stay put.

Jay blinks at the empty space in front of him. While waiting, he wills his muscles to relax and rubs his stomach. He doesn’t know why he's so nervous — he's gotten used to Jungwon feeding from him. He doesn’t think drinking from the neck can be that much different from drinking from the arm. It's the same blood, at the end of the day.

Although it's not really to do with the whole blood aspect. He knows that. That’s why he’d wanted to do it in the first place. The position they'll be in will be a lot more intimate, Jungwon perched in his lap and teeth locked into Jay's neck. Jay had thought, in depth, about the fact that he’ll hear everything a lot more clearly.

He anxiously wipes his hands on his sweatpants. A very small part of him almost wants to back out of doing this but he squashes it down. Now or never, he thinks determinedly.

Jungwon chooses that moment to return. He's holding a towel in one hand and juggling two orange juice boxes in the other. He places the items on Jay's bedside table.

"I don't want you dripping blood on your bed," he tells Jay. "I have a feeling this will be a lot messier than usual. And you know what the orange juice is for, obviously."

Jay nods toward the orange juice. "Why two?"

Jungwon looks vaguely embarrassed. "Well, I read blood from the neck is actually supposed to taste better for vampires. I forgot the science behind it." His face turns stern. "So I might end up drinking a lot more. But I promise I'll stop before you pass out or something."

"Thanks," Jay says drily. He pats his thighs. Jungwon is still hovering by the bed awkwardly. "Come up here."

Jungwon climbs up and situates himself so that his knees are next to Jay’s hips. He rests his hands on Jay’s shoulders. They’ve been in this position a few times before, enough times that it feels automatic for Jay to place his hands on Jungwon’s waist.

"Hi," Jay whispers stupidly.

Jungwon smiles down at him. "Hi," Jungwon whispers back. He adjusts Jay's tank top a little for easier access. "All good?"

"All good," Jay confirms. "Just go for it whenever."

Jay never gets used to seeing the exact moment that Jungwon's vampire instincts take over his human ones. His face changes somehow —- there's never any physical change that Jay can ascertain, not before Jungwon actually bites him, but he still looks different. Something about him just becomes terrifying. Jay's own human instincts kick in and he always gets the urge to bolt. Sometimes he wonders if there are other people like them, a vampire regularly feeding from the same human. Surely there must be. He wonders how they deal with it.

Jungwon loops his arms around Jay's shoulder blades and leans forward and down until his mouth is over Jay's carotid. It's silent in the room, the space only filled with Jay's heavy breathing, so he hears Jungwon's fangs click right below his ear. Jay holds his breath.

The intrusion hurts, as it always does. In fact it hurts a hell of a lot more than it usually does but Jay grits his teeth and remembers to relax, and soon enough it gives way to that pleasant feeling. This, too, is magnified. It feels amazing, actually. He’s getting hard, he realises, but he doesn’t have the presence of mind to deal with that right now. He exhales roughly and tilts his head back for easier access.

Jungwon shudders in his lap. "Taste so good, hyung," he mumbles indistinctly against his neck before sinking his fangs in again. His senses are overwhelmed — Jay's surrounded by Jungwon on all sides, like being ensnared in a spider's web.

Jay tightens his grip and digs his fingers into Jungwon’s waist, feeling the flesh give way underneath his hands. Jungwon shudders again and makes a small noise, returning the favour by scratching his nails lightly against the nape of Jay’s neck. Now it’s Jay’s turn to let out a small whimper. It’s like they’re making music together, a duet.

The thought of it, what they could be doing, consumes him. His mind completely zeroes in on Jungwon, Jungwon on top of him and in his lap, knees by Jay's thighs and arms around him. He's all around him and Jay just wants, wants, wants. He groans and tries to pull Jungwon closer, thinking only of getting him off. His mind feels like it's on fire.

Jungwon pulls away too soon, much earlier than Jay had expected. His eyes are wide and the entire lower half of his face is smeared in red. In Jay’s blood. It never gets old, seeing that, and Jay’s hands subconsciously squeeze Jungwon’s waist. Unabashed, Jay’s eyes trail down Jungwon’s body and he sees that he’s hard too. Good. That means they can—

“Hyung,” Jungwon cuts off his thoughts. His voice wavers. “You gotta stop.”

Jay hears him as if from a long distance away. “Stop what?” His voice sounds strange to his own ears. All he wants is for Jungwon to move closer. He tugs at Jungwon and makes a noise of frustration when he doesn’t move.

“Hyung,” Jungwon repeats. He shakes Jay for emphasis. “You gotta snap out of it. It’s the bite.” When his words have no effect, Jay still trying to will Jungwon to just move to no avail, Jungwon mutters something to himself and drives a fingernail into Jay’s still-open wound.

Jay shouts and claps a hand to his neck. It comes away red and sticky, and motherfucker it hurts, but it works — he resurfaces from whatever spell he was under. Shame hits him like a truck.

“I’m sorry,” they both say hastily. Jay gestures for Jungwon to go first. Jungwon continues, “I’m sorry. I knew that drinking from the neck can be…intense for some people. It’s like they go into a trance and they won’t stop until…well.” His shoulders hunch forward. “So I did the first thing I thought of to get you out of it, which was hurting you.”

“Oh.” Jungwon is fiddling nervously with the hem of his shirt. What he said makes sense — Jesus, Jay can’t believe he just came onto him like that. At least he apparently hasn’t been the first person to make that mistake. “It’s like an actual thing?”

“Yeah. There’s some kind of technical term for it but I forgot it.” Jungwon’s eyes dart around the room like they’re too scared to settle on one thing. Jay is instantly suspicious: that’s the only lying tell of Jungwon’s that he hasn’t trained himself out of. But Jungwon would surely tell him if it was important and they have more pressing matters to deal with.

The wound on his neck is still bleeding sluggishly and soaking into his collar. Jungwon notices at the same time Jay does, so he's the one to grab the towel and dab Jay's neck with it. The clean-up is swift and Jay drains both juice boxes even though he doesn’t think Jungwon drank that much from him.

Which is Jay's fault, really. He still feels kind of awkward. Neither he or Jungwon have said anything in a few minutes.

When Jungwon gets up off the bed, Jay grabs his wrist with a soft hey. He stumbles over his words, “I mean, we’re good, right? I’m really really sorry, I don’t know what I—”

“Hyung,” Jungwon says firmly. “It’s all good, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I told you, it happens. You just got overwhelmed, no biggie.”

“Right,” Jay says faintly. He releases Jungwon’s wrist. “Okay. If you say so.”

Jungwon raises an eyebrow. “I do say so.” He shakes his head. “You’re such a worrier, hyung. I’ve already forgotten about it.”

Jay watches him leave with the blood-soaked towel, presumably to either wash it or dispose of it. Once Jungwon’s gone, he sinks back into the pillows with a heavy sigh. In his opinion, Jungwon was acting too casual for what had just happened. Jay doesn’t know if the blood from Jay’s neck was warping his brain or something but trying to get off with Jungwon is surely a big deal. Right?

Then again, his brain supplies, Jungwon had been hard too. And it’s not like he’d applied the whole horniness-brought-on-by-biting excuse to his own actions. So maybe Jungwon was just horny of his own volition. Jay stares up at the ceiling. Somehow it felt like there had always been a rope connecting he and Jungwon which had steadily grown tauter and tauter, and it was about two seconds away from snapping completely.

The next few days are quiet. He hasn’t been liking quiet days recently, as that’s when he does most of his thinking. What’s been occupying his mind is his relationship with Jungwon and analysing that leads him to a lot of uncomfortable truths. It doesn’t help that Jungwon is busy with various schedules so Jay is completely free to mope alone on his bed for hours on end.

Here’s the thing: Jay really knows that he needs to stop this thing with Jungwon. To an outsider, their relationship remains unchanged. On the surface, everything looks (almost) exactly the same.

But he can tell something's gone wrong in the very core of their relationship, like prodding a tooth with your tongue and finding a cavity. What scares him most is that it may be too late to fix it. Whatever they've started doing has caused irreparable damage — the one constant in Jay's life, Jungwon's presence, is different.

There's a bunch of little things: Jungwon glaring at anyone who stands a little too close to Jay or has their hand on his shoulder for too long, Jay feeling a sick lurch in his stomach whenever he and Jungwon are apart from each other, Jay always needing to be touching Jungwon when they sit next to each other or else feeling like he’ll keel over and die, Jungwon absently pressing a thumb down on Jay’s pulse point when he passes by Jay sitting at the kitchen table or on the couch. It all adds up to a big picture which Jay is frankly too scared to look at.

But those things as lone moments, he can deal with. What worries him more is his own feelings. Those aren’t so easy to ignore.

Jay's always acknowledged Jungwon is pretty. It comes with the territory, after all. They’re idols, it’s their job to look nice. But it extends beyond simply finding his friend handsome. Too often Jay will catch himself staring at Jungwon and thinking about how pretty he is — his smile, his eyes, the shine of his hair, the way emotions flicker across his face. His body.

They do a lot of staring these days. A thought relating to Jungwon will pop into Jay’s head unbidden, and he’ll turn to seek out Jungwon only to find Jungwon already staring at him with a hungry look on his face.

But he knows their relationship has really gone wrong when he reflects on his mental barriers. Or, more importantly, his lack of them. Thinking about Jungwon, the way he stretches or smirks or wipes blood off his chin -– that in itself isn't the problem. And Jay letting those same thoughts plague him when he's laying in bed or in the shower and spinning those images around in his head for his own personal pleasure — that also isn't the problem.

The problem is the complete absence of shame he feels. Shame is important: it's hardwired, built into the fabric of humans so people can innately tell if something is wrong without rhyme or reason. What worries Jay is that he doesn't feel any of that. He used to, sure, but not anymore. Shame has been dug out of the very recesses of his marrow. Jungwon occupying such a space in his mind doesn't feel wrong, it feels natural. Like it was meant to happen. Fated. Soulmates, as he had said once.

Jay knows it’s not good and he really should stop their whole arrangement before it gets further out of hand. But then he thinks of Jungwon heaving over a sink, Jungwon drinking the blood out of a package of raw steak, Jungwon clutching his throat and sprawled on the bathroom floor. And Jay knows he can’t do that to him, can’t take away Jungwon’s literal lifeline.

Jungwon, Jungwon, Jungwon. That seems to be all he thinks about nowadays. Jay sighs, rolls onto his side, and wills his mind away from all Jungwon-related thoughts until he’s finally able to fall asleep.

He's woken up the next morning by a heavy weight draped over his front. Jay feels like he hasn't even gotten any sleep, like he just passed out a moment ago and now he already has to get moving. He squeezes his eyes shut tighter as if that will postpone anything. At least Jungwon's hair smells nice.

"So lazy, hyung," Jungwon drawls. His head is propped on Jay's shoulder and he's poking Jay in the cheek repeatedly. "Where's all your energy?"

Without opening his eyes, Jay finds Jungwon's finger and grabs it before he can continue his assault. "Annoying."

"I know," Jungwon says smugly. He shakes his hand out of Jay's hold and rests it on Jay's chest, idly drawing shapes into Jay's skin. "I was trying to get you up."

"So why are you literally laying on me right now?" Jay mutters back. Their legs are tangled together and Jungwon is basically using Jay's body as a pillow. Honestly, it feels quite nice. He might actually end up drifting off back to sleep.

"Because I'm tired too, hyung," Jungwon whispers. His breath tickles Jay's neck. "Even though I shouldn't be because I'm the leader and everything."

Jay opens his eyes for the first time. Jungwon is already dressed in jeans and a hoodie. Jay doesn't have the mental capacity to recall what schedules they have today. He can't make eye contact with Jungwon at this angle so he makes do with lightly stroking his back. "Leaders are allowed to be tired. Especially when you work the hardest out of us all." Jungwon hums noncommittally into his neck. It makes his throat vibrate. "But I'll wake you up."

Jay rolls them over so he's above Jungwon and starts tickling him. Jungwon squeaks and tries in vain to get away, struggling under Jay. He succeeds soon enough.

"Ow," Jay groans, doubling over. "You just kneed me in the balls. Ow ow ow ow."

"You deserved it, hyung," Jungwon accuses him breathlessly, eyes sparkling. He pats Jay's shoulder. "Tickling hurts, you know. It's karma."

"Unequal karma," Jay complains, still recovering. An idea pops into his brain and he goes for it without thinking it through. He dives forward and bites Jungwon's shoulder, hard, as retribution. Jungwon hisses and goes still beneath him and Jay lets go, leaning back with a smug smile on his face. "Now it's even."

Jungwon glares up at him. There's a damp spot on his hoodie now. "You are such a menace," he declares. "A danger to society, in fact. Maybe I should—" There's a shout from the kitchen, and then another one. It sounds like the beginning of an argument. Jungwon sighs. "I should go deal with that," he finishes.

He slips out from the cage Jay had made with his arms and disappears into the hallway, not before tugging Jay's earlobe as a final way to get back at him. Jay flops back down onto the bed and runs his hand back through his hair. He's wearing a silly grin which he can't seem to wipe off his face. Teasing Jungwon is just so addictive.

He hears a noise in the doorway and looks up. Jake plods into the room, towel wrapped around his waist. He putters around the room finding clean clothes to wear and shoots odd looks at Jay when he thinks Jay isn't looking.

After about the seventh look, Jay props himself up on his elbows. "What?" he snaps somewhat defensively.

Jake shrugs at him. "Nothing," he replies, but Jay feels his eyes on him for the rest of the day.

It's been too long since Jungwon last fed from him, Jay thinks. They've been busy — it's comeback season after all. Performances and interviews and fansigns and travel and variety and meetings. All of that culminates in the members simply falling into bed without a word as soon as they get home, and sometimes they don't even have time for that.

Jay tries to count the days in his head. If the last time Jungwon fed from him was right before the comeback, that means it's been almost a month. That's the longest time Jay's gone without Jungwon's fangs in him since they started doing this.

And if the withdrawal and neediness is bad enough for him, he doesn’t even want to think about what Jungwon's feeling right now. As it happens, he already knows it’s been particularly bad for him — a few days ago, Jungwon had crept into his bedroom and woken Jay up with a hand over his mouth. With a jerk of his head towards Jake, who slept undisturbed, he’d led Jay to the kitchen for a routine feeding.

It had been ultimately unsuccessful because they’d heard someone get up to go into the bathroom and then Jay had been too anxious about getting caught. He was getting more and more worried about that. They were already pushing it, with all the sneaking around, and the members would be bound to pick up on something soon.

He’d felt bad for Jungwon, of course, especially after seeing how sluggishly he moved when he was trying to convince Jay to stay. But he couldn’t risk anyone discovering Jungwon was a vampire. It had taken a lot of tossing and turning for him to fall asleep that night, but by now he’d convinced himself that he’d done the right thing.

It's probably not a good sign that he misses a step every time he catches Jungwon staring at him in the mirror. Jay doesn't know if Jungwon suddenly became much scarier after finding out he's a vampire or if he's always been that intense and Jay just never noticed. Jungwon, he reflects, never properly scares him — but he comes pretty damn close with those hungry looks. And, if Jay is being perfectly honest with himself, it does more than that too. His blood sings me me me he chose me and he has to stop himself from instinctively preening every time Jungwon shoots him a look. Seriously, how has his life turned into this?

Relief comes in the form of a quick break. Ten minutes only, their trainer announces. His eyes sweep over them, sweating and aching, and he dismisses them with a wave of his hand. Jay bails as soon as the trainer's hand drops back to his side.

The air in the hallway is much cooler than the muggy air inside the practice room. Jay takes a gulping breath of it then makes his way to one of the water refilling stations, a few hallways down. As he moves, the iciness of the air makes it even more apparent how sweaty he is. "Gross," he mutters to himself as he swipes a hand through the sweat collecting at the base of his neck.

He presses the rim of his bottle against the faucet and watches his bottle fill up slowly. When it reaches halfway, he downs it all in one gulp then begins filling it up again. He's just screwing the cap on when he feels a presence near him. Or, more accurately, he feels Jungwon. Jay's body is getting attuned to Jungwon now. He can always sense when Jungwon is near. A side effect of the bloodsucking, he assumes.

He's about to tilt his bottle upside down to check that it won't leak but he feels a rush of cold air and he's being slammed face-first into the wall before he knows it. "Woah," Jay chokes out and Jungwon lessens his grip on Jay's shoulder. It hadn't been a very hard slam in the first place, but still. Ow.

Jungwon spins him around so that they're face to face. There's an element of concern on his face but overall he just looks hungry. Jay's gotten adept at reading how hunger sits on Jungwon's face. His suspicions are confirmed when Jungwon drops his forehead on Jay's shoulder.

“I need you,” Jungwon whines into his collarbone. He fists a hand in the hem of Jay’s shirt and shakes it a little. Jay is learning that there’s a direct correlation between Jungwon’s hunger and brattiness. “Please.”

“I know,” Jay soothes. He strokes a hand through Jungwon’s hair. It’s red now. Both he and Jungwon had found that funny and were unable to explain why they were giggling to the others. It’s exhilarating, having secrets. “But we can’t do it here. Or at the dorm. It’s just not safe enough. We’ll just have to wait for a bit, hm?”

Jungwon sighs, his breath tickling the hairs on Jay’s neck. “How about a Starbucks bathroom?”

Jay laughs. “Romantic,” he teases.

“I’m serious,” Jungwon says quietly. He burrows further into Jay’s neck, inhaling him. “The last time I felt as hungry as this was…you know.”

“Probably a bad idea for your teeth to be so close to my neck, then.”

“Probably,” Jungwon agrees. His fist keeps clenching and unclenching. Jay can’t help but be impressed at his level of control.

“Besides,” Jay says fiercely, “you know I won’t let it get to that point. I swear.” He gently dislodges Jungwon so he can make eye contact. “I’ll try and get the other members out of the dorm somehow. Heeseung-hyung owes me a favour. And if that doesn’t work, then we’ll think of something.”

“Okay,” Jungwon mumbles, breaking eye contact. He straightens up — Jake is calling their names in the distance. Their break’s finished. And it’s dangerous for them to be hanging out like this in a random hallway anyway, in case Jungwon does lose his control. Jay hasn’t had to think of a possible contingency plan in a while. Jungwon is looking down at his feet, shoulders hunched. “Back to work.”

“Hey,” Jay says, grabbing Jungwon’s hands. He squeezes them gently. “You trust me, right?”

“I trust you, hyung.” Jungwon finally looks up at him and he squeezes Jay’s hands back. “Don’t mind me. I’m just thirsty.”

“I know.” Another shout of their names, closer this time. Jungwon’s eyes stay fixed on Jay, like he’s waiting for something. All Jay can think about is how badly he wants to kiss Jungwon right now. Jungwon smiles slightly, like he’s just heard that loud and clear. Tacit permission, Jay’s mind theorises, and he starts to lean forward.

“Jungwo— oh!” Jake cuts himself off and takes a step back. His gaze nervously flits between the two of them and Jay drops Jungwon's hands. Jungwon shoots him a look which Jay can't decipher. Jake is still hovering awkwardly and he clears his throat. "Sorry if I, um—"

"It's fine," Jungwon says, cutting through the inevitable long-winded sorry if I interrupted spiel which Jake had been planning on saying. "Sorry for keeping you guys waiting." Jungwon steps back from Jay and sticks his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah," Jake says, looking relieved now that there's more distance between Jay and Jungwon. The three of them start walking back to the practice room. "We're all waiting for you there. I guess you guys just didn't hear me looking for you."

"We didn't," Jay lies blatantly. Jungwon stifles a snort next to him. They share a conspiratorial grin behind Jake's back. "The way sound carries on this floor, you know."

Jake doesn't deign to give him a response and they push open the door to their practice room. Heads swivel to look at them as they enter.

"Finally," their trainer snaps. "Get into position. You've kept us waiting long enough."

They bow and murmur apologies, Jay hurrying into his spot next to Sunoo.

Jay's in a good mood for the rest of practice and Jungwon seems to be the same, even winking at Jay at one point when the trainer is fiddling with the music. Jay has to hold back a laugh. He feels uncomfortably alive, for no reason at all. Like he's a child all over again.

There's a weird atmosphere with some of the other members, looks exchanged and furrowed brows, but Jay ignores it. Getting to see Jungwon's smile, he thinks, makes him uncaring of the consequences. Their manager would probably have an aneurysm if he heard that.

Heeseung is thoroughly unimpressed with Jay's request. It doesn’t help that Jay literally has to corner him in the kitchen but desperate times call for desperate measures. It also doesn't help that Jay gives the absolute bare-minimum of information, obviously, so he has to stammer his way through an excuse of why he and Jungwon need the dorm to themselves.

"I'm not asking any questions," Heeseung starts, "because frankly I don’t really want to know. But I'll just say I hope you guys know what you're doing and I'll leave it at that."

"But you'll do it?" Jay asks hopefully.

Heeseung sighs. "Sure, whatever. I'll take them all out to dinner or something. But I'm not fending off any questions if they get suspicious."

"Cool cool cool," Jay says. He doesn’t even register what Heeseung says; it's no longer his problem. Now that he knows for sure Jungwon is drinking from him very soon, he's restless. Heeseung eyes him shifting from one foot to the other but wisely refrains to comment. "Thanks, hyung. You're the best."

Heeseung rolls his eyes. "Just, uh," he grimaces, "never mind. But text me when you guys are…done so I know when we can come back."

"I will!" Jay calls over his shoulder, already on his way to find Jungwon and deliver the good news. Heeseung lets out an audible sigh behind him.

Jungwon, as he predicted, is in Jay's bedroom rather than his own. He's starfished out on Jay's bed with his eyes closed. Even while he's resting he looks exhausted. Jay would think he was asleep if it wasn’t for the fact that his breaths aren't deep enough. Jay watches him from the doorway for a moment. His skin has lost some of its tan too, although it's still nothing compared to what he looked like before they'd started their whole arrangement. Jay muses that the effects from drinking from a human must last longer than drinking from a blood bag, for whatever reason.

As if sensing Jay's gaze on him, Jungwon's eyes snap open. Jay abandons his post in the doorway and nudges Jungwon’s legs so he can sit on the edge of the bed.

“I come bearing good news,” he announces. He drums his fingers on the bed and Jungwon shifts onto his side to face him. He looks so small like this, all curled up in the middle of Jay’s bed. “Heeseung agreed to help me and he’s taking them all out to eat. So it’ll just be the two of us in the dorm.”

Jungwon hums and laces his fingers with Jay’s. “Thanks, hyung. I knew you’d work something out.” He grins and tugs Jay’s hand. “Now come up here and cuddle me until they leave.”

“Your wish is my command,” Jay says solemnly. He crawls up to meet Jungwon so that they’re facing each other on their sides. Jay would be perfectly content to simply stare at Jungwon while they wait for the other members to leave, but as soon as Jungwon wraps an arm around him the toll of the day forces its weight onto him and he drifts off within a few minutes.

He wakes up to the sound of shouts and general movement in the living room. Jungwon is still on his side watching Jay unblinkingly. He has a thoughtful expression on his face but it clears when he notices that Jay's awake.

Jungwon points out the obvious. “They’re leaving.”

“Mm-hmm.” A few more bangs, a few more shouts, and then silence. Jungwon raises his eyebrows at him. “Guess they’re gone.”

“Mm-hmm,” Jungwon says in a mocking tone. He grins and sits up, energised now that he’s getting what he’s been waiting for. “Where do you want it?”

Neck. “Arm.”

Jungwon’s grin sharpens and he leans down, breath fanning out over Jay’s face. “Liar. I’ll do it on your neck.”

This is most definitely a bad idea. “This is coercion,” Jay complains.

Jungwon snorts. “It’s not coercion if I can tell you’re lying. Relax, hyung. Nothing bad is gonna happen.”

Jay’s not sure about that. Although he supposes it depends on what constitutes Jungwon’s definition as bad. A repeat of what happened last time would probably be bad, no matter how much Jay wants it. “Fine then. Let’s do it.”

Jungwon falls back onto his haunches and waits impatiently. Jay scrambles to sit up and leans his back against the headboard. In a movement so smooth it almost looks practised, Jungwon drops his weight into Jay's lap and hooks his arms around his neck. Jay settles his hands on Jungwon's waist. A perfect mirror image of last time.

"I was watching you sleep," Jungwon confesses. His voice is quiet, almost a whisper, even though there's no danger of being overheard at all. "And I realised that if I looked hard enough, I could just make out the bite marks on your neck from a few weeks ago. They should have faded completely by now." He bites his lip and uses two fingers to press down hard on where he'd bitten Jay last time, watching Jay's face. Jay fails to hide his instinctive wince. "Does it hurt?"

"Kinda. It's more like a dull ache, really."

Jungwon has been running colder than usual lately and as he removes his fingers, Jay still feels the crisp imprint on his skin. Something sparks in Jungwon's eyes. "I'm sorry, hyung. I'm probably gonna make it hurt all over again."

There's no trace of apology in his tone. If Jay had to guess, it sounds more like excitement than anything else. Jay shares the sentiment. "Don't worry about it. Just go when you're ready."

He relaxes his body as much as he can with Jungwon on top of him, watching Jay with something predatory in his gaze.

As always, the shift from human to vampire sets off Jay's fight-or-flight instincts, makes his heartbeat quicken and saliva pool in his mouth. It's easy to let his head fall back and count Jungwon's one, two, three breaths against Jay's skin before he bites down.

Jay exhales through the initial pain and halfway through it turns into a sigh. It feels good, of course it does, and his thoughts become a pleasant blur as Jungwon drinks from him. It's like his ability to think is hidden behind a heavy fog. All he registers is Jungwon —- his fangs piercing Jay's skin, the way he eagerly licks at the blood running down, his tongue laving at the wound so it will heal.

As if hearing Jay's thoughts, Jungwon smiles against his neck and pulls back from the now-closed bite wound. His neck is sticky with Jungwon's saliva but Jay will deal with that later. For now he just sits there and waits for his consciousness to come back online.

"There’s blood on your shirt," Jungwon states, plucking at Jay's collar. "Make sure to soak it before you put it in with everyone's white clothes."

Jay opens his eyes. Jungwon's face swims before him. "Can I have two minutes before we start dealing with all of that?"

Jungwon sniffs. "I said you for a reason, hyung. Don't rope me into this."

Jungwon leans off to the side to grab an orange juice box. Jay hadn't even realised there was one there; maybe Jungwon got it when Jay was sleeping. Jungwon stabs the hole with the straw and proffers it to Jay, who drinks from it gratefully.

"That's kinda unfair," Jay points out once he's done crumpling the box for every last drop. His arms still feel kind of weak. He pouts for added effect, "So you're the one who gets blood all over me but I'm the one who has to clean it?"

Jungwon smirks. "Hey, you're the one who technically did this to yourself with the whole oh please Jungwon feed from me whenever you want, I'm all yours."

"Shut up," Jay laughs. "You're the one who was begging for my blood, remember?"

Jungwon scoffs. "I wasn't begging for your blood," he says indignantly. "Where did that come from? In fact, need I remind you that you're the one who offered it to me first."

"I felt compelled to," Jay defends himself. "I was taking one for the team, you know." He raises his eyebrows and grins. "And I was scared you were gonna end up murdering me in my sleep, of course."

"Right, right," Jungwon teases, eyes sparkling. "Big scary vampire I am and all that."

"Big scary vampire," Jay agrees, adopting a solemn tone. "The scariest. I quake in fear whenever I hear you coming."

Jungwon laughs. "Idiot," he says fondly.

It only feels natural for them to start kissing. Jay doesn't know who leans forward first but he decides that doesn't matter. What's more important is Jungwon in his lap, Jungwon clutching at his shoulders, Jungwon's mouth against his.

Somehow, this feels like the simplest thing in the world. Everything all at once clicks into place and Jay thinks, oh. Suddenly it all makes sense.

Jungwon's tongue pushes against the seam of Jay's lips and Jay grants him entry. Jungwon hums and clutches him harder. Jay wonders if it's verifiably weird that he thinks being able to taste the remnants of his own blood in Jungwon's mouth is hot. Most definitely. But he thinks he and Jungwon crossed that line a while ago.

“Hey,” Jungwon says, pulling back slightly. There's a hint of flush in his cheeks. “Stop thinking so much, okay? We’re just kissing.” He taps Jay’s cheek gently.

Jay doesn’t bother giving Jungwon a response and instead reels him back within kissing distance. Jungwon kisses like he means it, pushy and eager and biting. Jay smiles against his lips because it's so Jungwon.

"What?" Jungwon exhales into the small space between their mouths.

“Nothing.” His smile fades. He has to say it. “Is this really a good idea?”

“Definitely not.” Jungwon suddenly breaks into a laugh. “But was me drinking your blood a good idea? I feel like two bad ideas cancel each other out.”

“That is the most stupid logic I’ve ever heard in my life,” Jay deadpans. But it clearly must have done its job somehow as he leans in to kiss Jungwon again. And again. And again.

So they’ve upgraded from bloodsucking to also kissing sometimes. Or a lot. Kisses shared in the bathroom after brushing their teeth side-by-side, in the van during those few precious seconds of when it's just them, outside the practice room, right before bed when Jake is still washing up. Most of the time, it's quick pecks. Most of the time.

Short pecks, Jay decides, were easy to deal with. Friends sometimes kissed each other like that, right? Dry kisses on the cheek or forehead. Maybe on the lips too.

Not that Jay was under the impression that these kisses were purely friendly but at least they could be explained away if someone chanced upon them.

The rarer type of kissing, the more intense kissing which they only did with time and space (as an idol, those both seemed to be in short supply), would not be so easy to explain.

(He might have a thing for neck kissing actually, ever since the first time Jungwon had kissed him there with a hint of teeth and whispered I’ve been wanting to do that for ages. In that moment, Jay had understood him more than ever.)

Those kisses were what boyfriends did. Or whatever. Decidedly not-friends.

Boyfriends sounded like such a juvenile word when it came to the two of them. It didn't encompass the whole reason they had even started kissing in the first place, the blood-drinking aspect. Life-giver and life-taker. Or rather life-sharer. That sounded about right, all things considered. They make each other feel alive — literally, in Jungwon’s case. And despite the oxymoronic nature of it Jay never feels more alive than when he has Jungwon lapping at a wound on his neck, his lifeforce bleeding out of him. So being boyfriends just didn't cut it.

But Jay also chickened out at the prospect of talking about it. He was aware of his own feelings for Jungwon but the thought of Jungwon not feeling the same kept him rooted in his fear. He thought it could be possible but Jungwon always guarded his emotions with a furtiveness. Therefore Jay had long since given up on trying to guess how he truly felt about Jay. Plus there was the whole does he really like me or is it just because he literally depends on my blood to live situation to consider. Unsurprisingly that hadn't yielded many answers on Naver. Thus, they just stuck to the kissing.

For all the kissing they do, it’s a miracle they haven’t been caught yet. They’d come very close once, with Heeseung barging into the kitchen at around midnight. It had been a good thing that just a few seconds ago Jungwon’s vampire instincts had kicked in and believed he was about to feed, so his fangs had poked out and nicked Jay’s bottom lip. Jay had pulled back and all Heeseung saw was him dabbing at a bloody lip. Heeseung had given them a suspicious look anyway and muttered something about only needing some leftovers from the fridge before promptly fleeing.

The kissing, on top of Jungwon basically moving into Jay and Jake’s bedroom, obviously caused Jay to be on the lookout when it came to the others. To be honest, Jay had begun to notice a lot of suspicious looks from the other members. But if Jungwon wasn’t bringing it up then he wasn’t going to either. And he knew the members would never directly say anything, so he was quite content to sneak around with Jungwon and ignore how Sunghoon and Sunoo would exchange glances with each other whenever Jay’s hand lingered on Jungwon’s waist for too long.

Jay had been waiting for something to happen. He knows that he can't go around kissing his bandmate — and having said bandmate also drink his blood — without facing any consequences for it. That's just not how life works. He'd sort of been hoping for it, actually, if only because it provides an opportunity to actually have a talk with Jungwon rather than dance around the elephant in the room. The elephant which gets bigger and bigger with each passing day.

He's more surprised at how long it takes and what form the consequences arrive in.

"So," says Jungwon lightly. He's wearing one of Jay's hoodies today, something he's been doing more frequently. Jay had already bought it oversized which means it dwarfs Jungwon -– Jungwon has broader shoulders than him but that's about it. It's cute, although Jungwon always bares his teeth whenever Jay calls him cute. Which is cute in itself.

"So," Jay replies, not looking up from organising his shoe collection. He squints. He and Jake really should have bought dividers for their closet.

"I had a disagreement with Sunoo-hyung today," Jungwon says, still in that light tone.

That gets Jay's attention, especially because disagreement is Jungwon-speak for horrendous fight. Or something. He's never witnessed an argument between Jungwon and Sunoo so he's not sure what it would look like.

He abandons his neat line of shoes and turns to look at Jungwon, who's currently laying spread-eagle on their bed with his eyes closed. "What was it about?"

Jungwon sighs deeply and opens his eyes to stare at the ceiling. "He said that he wants to know what's happening between me and you. And I told him that's private business. And he was like, I get that but I also need to know if this is something that will jeopardise the group. And I refused to tell him so he got kinda annoyed at me and gave me a lecture on the benefits of being careful. So." He shrugs, inasmuch as someone laying down can shrug.

Well. All things considered, it could be a lot worse. But he assumes that's not what Jungwon wants to hear.

Jay sits at the foot of the bed and drums his fingers on Jungwon's ankle. He makes sure his tone is neutral when he says, "What is going on between us?"

Jungwon's eyes meet Jay's. "I drink from you and we also kiss sometimes. What do you think is going on?"

Jay smiles faintly. "Don't play this game with me. I don’t know what I'm allowed to say or what I'm supposed to think."

There's a moment of silence before Jungwon says carefully, "I don't want to tell you what to say or think. This can mean anything you want it to mean." He hesitates. "It can be a big deal or not so big of a deal."

Jay drops his gaze. "It kinda feels like it should be a big deal." He amends his words, "I think it's a big deal."

Jungwon exhales. "Good. That's good." The bed creaks as Jungwon shifts to sit up. "The whole vampire thing makes it a big deal anyway, regardless of what you think."

Jay frowns and glances at Jungwon. "Meaning?"

"Meaning…" He scrubs a hand over his face and says, almost to himself, "Okay. I guess we're doing this."

"Doing what?" asks Jay, slightly confused. This sounds like a more intense conversation than what he was expecting. He practically feels the tension rise in the room, the air becoming heavier.

"Remember what you said the first time I fed from you?" Jungwon asks with a hint of desperation. He leans forward and stares intently at Jay, willing him to remember. "You said it was just blood." He takes a deep breath. "It could never be just blood for me. Feeding from you and only you…it was doing things to me. It connected us together. And I think…" He looks away from Jay, avoiding his gaze. "I think we're gonna be like that for a long time. Probably until we die. I don’t know."

"What do you mean?" Jay's voice sounds strange even to him. His ears feel muffled, like he's underwater in a deep, dark pool. Jungwon has been hiding something from him.

"All that time I spent researching," Jungwon whispers. "When I was dealing with those fits. I lied — I did find some information. I just didn't know if it was true or not so I didn't say anything." At Jay's silence, he continues. "There's something called vampire puberty."

"Vampire puberty," Jay repeats. Nothing involving puberty can be good. Especially in combination with vampires. “Go on.”

Jungwon's eyes dart around the room. He looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here. "It doesn't happen to every vampire. It's this thing where…" He makes a face. "This is gonna sound really dodgy but bear with me. It's where a vampire, um, starts thinking a human is its mate and they, uh, start craving that human's blood. Eventually they just— snap and drink the human's blood, willingly or not." He draws his shoulders up and stares at a point somewhere over Jay's shoulder. "That's you, hyung. You're my mate."

Silence. Jay can hear their upstairs neighbour vacuuming. There's a hysterical laugh bubbling up within him. Of course he got himself mated to a fucking vampire. Who also happens to be his bandmate. And his best friend.

"Say something," Jungwon pleads.

Jay has a million questions but firstly: "So you knew all this time and just didn't tell me?"

Jungwon shakes his head quickly. "No, not the whole time. I was aware of the concept but I didn't even compute it as a possibility. Like, I wasn't even thinking about how it was specifically your blood I wanted -– I was just so hungry, all the time, that I didn't even notice that. I started considering it properly after the second time I fed from you and then I knew it was definitely happening when I drank from your neck the first time." He chews on his lip. Blunt, human teeth. Should Jay feel such a wave of disappointment when considering the prospect of never seeing Jungwon's fangs again? He doesn’t know the whole protocol for this.

Which brings him to his next question. "Is this mate thing one-sided?"

Jungwon tilts his head. "I don't know, hyung," he says, voice low and even. "You tell me."

It's not. They both know it's not. He doesn’t say anything, just looks at Jungwon, and understanding dawns on Jungwon's features. But Jay doesn’t get let off the hook that easily.

"I want to hear you say it, hyung," Jungwon murmurs. "I need to be sure."

Jay steels himself. Here goes nothing. "Honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you."

Jungwon laughs then covers a hand over his mouth in apology. "Sorry. I'm not laughing at what you said, it's just that you look so scared even though I literally just told you I feel the same way."

"You said that we were mated now," Jay points out. "Not that you're in love with me."

Jungwon raises his eyebrows. "It comes with the territory, hyung. Let me spell it out for you: you're my mate, which means we're gonna be together for the rest of our lives -– hope you're cool with that, by the way -– and I'm only going to want your blood and I am also in love with you. Does that cover everything?"

"Oh," Jay says lamely. "That covers everything." They sit there in silence for a few minutes, Jungwon trying not to fidget while Jay lets his mind work through everything he's just heard. If he thinks about it all at once he'll get an aneurysm. When his mind finally settles, not totally peaceful but getting there, he confesses, "I kinda expected you to be more shocked. About the whole…I love you thing."

"Um." He looks ashamed. Or the closest to shame that Jungwon gets, anyway. "I basically already knew. Vampire senses and all that. I just didn't know how to bring it up."

Jay studies the floor like it's suddenly the most interesting thing he's ever seen. "Right. Well. That's embarrassing."

Jay hears a sigh from Jungwon. The bed creaks as Jungwon shifts to get onto his knees and wrap himself around Jay. "There's nothing to be embarrassed about," Jungwon says gently. "It's what's expected of us, our relationship." He tugs on Jay's arm. "Look at me."

Jay does. Some part of him had expected Jungwon to appear completely different in his mind's eye, outlined in pink hearts or something. But he looks no different. Messy red hair, a sharpness in his face, a little tired. It comforts Jay to know that the world still turns, nothing shatters into pieces. Everything remains exactly the same.

He must have said the last part out loud. "Not exactly the same," Jungwon whispers. His face has gotten a lot closer from one blink to the next.

Jungwon's mouth presses against his with surety, as it always does, and Jay deepens the kiss immediately. He sucks on Jungwon's tongue and relishes the little moan he receives from him, his fingers tightening their grip on Jay's shoulders. It's a great kiss but very much in line with their usual standards.

"Still the same to me," Jay says after he's caught his breath. He has to clear his throat a couple of times to get the words out.

Jungwon grins, razor-sharp. He looks remarkably unaffected. "Not this bit."

Jungwon starts to pepper kisses down the line of Jay's neck and Jay leans back slightly to accommodate him. This is also fairly standard, not that Jay's complaining, but then all in one movement Jungwon grabs his shoulder with one hand and bodily throws Jay to the head of the bed so his back collides with the mattress. He bounces once at the rough landing.

"Uh," Jay says in a strangled voice. He blinks up at the ceiling. It probably should hurt but the sudden burst of adrenaline means that he doesn’t feel it.

Jungwon's face appears above him. "Vampire strength," he says smugly. "I could probably throw you across the room if I wanted to."

"Right." Jay tries to pretend that these words affected him to a totally normal degree. "Um. Great. Cool."

As always, Jungwon sees right through him. His face abruptly loses all trace of humour, like a veil fluttering off. "Does hyung get off to the idea of me being stronger than him?" His palm presses down on Jay's clothed cock and Jay hisses. So this was the different part. "Does hyung often think of me like this?"

"No," Jay lies. They've never gone this far together, out of some unsaid understanding that if they did then they would never be able to go back. God, has he thought about it.

Jungwon presses down harder, to the point of pain, and Jay groans. "Liar," Jungwon says in a disappointed tone, shaking his head. "I thought hyung knew that I can tell when he lies to me."

"I forgot," Jay manages. There's an ache in his jaw from gritting his teeth. "I forgot, I'm sorry, Jungwon, just please---"

Jungwon removes his hand and Jay thinks he may actually cry, but Jungwon follows it up with a murmured, "Sit up."

Jay does so and Jungwon watches him, eyes dark. Jay is once again hit with the realisation of oh god we're actually doing this but he saves it for later. He's gotten pretty experienced at the whole compartmentalisation thing.

Without preamble Jungwon hooks his fingers under Jay's waistband and snaps the waistbands of both his sweatpants and underwear as a question. At Jay's nod Jungwon tugs Jay's sweatpants down to his thighs. He reaches inside Jay's underwear and pulls his cock out. It's silent between them, save for their heavy breathing.

He watches Jungwon's eyes widen and something heavy flits across his expression. Jay's of average size but he allows his ego to be stroked anyway. And hopefully something else.

Jungwon is the first to break the silence. "Hyung," he sighs. He spits on his palm and his hand wraps around Jay's cock. Jay feels something hot flash in his stomach. "Can I— Please—"

"Yes yes yes," Jay chants mindlessly and Jungwon drags his hand up from base to tip. It's a bit dry but his precome begins to act as lube, so between that and Jungwon's spit they make do. He has lotion in his top drawer but Jay doesn’t want to pause for a single second.

Jungwon is inexperienced so it's a little clumsy at first, but he gets the hang of it soon enough. He goes at everything with a single-minded intensity and Jay isn't shocked to learn that this extends to giving handjobs.

Jungwon’s tongue pokes out, his expression one of concentration, and Jay can't help smiling a little. It's cute.

His smile drops when Jungwon twists his wrist. He's found a rhythm now, wrist working furiously while his eyes stay fixed on the point where Jay's cock keeps disappearing and reappearing. Jay follows his gaze. He had been biting his lip to keep in any noises but at this he lets out a small moan.

"Jungwon." Jay decides to return the favour and reaches out to Jungwon's crotch. "You're so—"

"No." Jungwon catches Jay's wrist with his free hand, without even a break in his rhythm. Vampire hand-eye coordination is seriously unfair. His eyes stray to Jay's neck and his mouth parts. "I want…"

Will there come a day where the thought of Jungwon biting him doesn't make Jay feel like he's just been electrocuted? Probably not. He bares his neck in silent permission and Jungwon leans forward, then stops himself just before reaching Jay's neck.

"It will be different," Jungwon says breathlessly. His hand has tightened around Jay and Jay can sense the anticipation rolling off him in waves. "No blood. It's a mating bite. So I can finally…"

Jay doesn’t say anything, just waits, and Jungwon dives in with a hunger that Jay hasn't seen from him in so long. Jay feels Jungwon's fangs dig into his neck but Jungwon was right. There's weirdly no blood welling up and Jungwon doesn't suck, just continues biting down, down, down, and fuck it hurts, more than it's ever hurt before, and Jay tenses up and tries to move away until Jungwon holds his shoulder in an iron grip.

He's still tugging Jay off in his other hand and soon enough pain and pleasure start warring, using Jay's body as their battleground. Then they start mixing and Jay groans, feeling himself be brought closer to the edge. Something pushes him to give his own bite to Jungwon despite the lack of fangs, so without even thinking about it for a second he leans forward and latches onto Jungwon's shoulder with his own teeth.

Jungwon shudders beneath him, a feral animal caught in a trap, and Jay feels the line of his shoulders slump. The angle's kind of awkward and Jungwon's wrist must be cramping by now but they stay like that, locked into an endless loop of giving and taking.

One, two, three more pumps and Jay's brain whites out. He comes with a cry, muffled into Jungwon's shoulder. He scrapes his teeth against Jungwon's skin one final time, vaguely appreciating the mark he's left behind, before melting back into the mattress. Jungwon follows his lead and disengages his own teeth from Jay's neck. The bite smarts, almost burns, but Jay's too busy floating to pay any mind to the pain.

His eyes are half-lidded but he watches Jungwon retract his hand from Jay's lap and swipe his tongue against the cum there. He diligently cleans it all off.

"Uh," Jay croaks out intelligently.

Jungwon grimaces at him. "Your blood tastes way better."

"Uh," Jay says again. Then he blinks. "Do you need me to—"

"No need," Jungwon states. He grins, teeth shiny with saliva. He looks unbearably proud of himself, in a way which should be annoying but just makes Jay want to fuck him. "I already came."

Jay stares at where the front of Jungwon's jeans has stained darker. "Oh. Just from— that?"

Jungwon rolls his eyes. "It was the bite. Don't flatter yourself, hyung." He pats Jay's chest in consolation. Somehow Jay knows he's not lying. Jungwon's eyes keep flicking to Jay's shoulder, drawn to it like a magnet. He gets a dark expression on his face every time he looks at it. Jungwon prods it gently. "Does it hurt a lot?"

"Yeah," Jay answers truthfully. "But it's fine. It's manageable."

Jungwon hums in response and takes the initiative to collapse in the spot next to Jay. Jay extends a hand across the gap and Jungwon takes it immediately. Their breathing syncs up as they lay next to each other.

Apropos of nothing, Jungwon says, "Do you remember when you asked me what you smell like?"

Jay nods. He did remember, of course. That already feels like so long ago, even though it wasn't really. His relationship with Jungwon had progressed so quickly that he almost can't believe it's only been a few months since they started their whole thing.

Jungwon splays a hand over his chest. "I didn't tell you," he confesses, "that you smell like mine. That's when I knew it was real, the whole mate thing. You just smell like you belong to me."

"Oh," Jay exhales, momentarily speechless. Jungwon is searching his face carefully like he's afraid there's still a chance Jay will change his mind and run screaming from him. Although it seems a bit too late for that, given the mating bite and all. Jay collects his thoughts for a minute before he speaks. "You know, I don't have vampire senses like yours but I think—no, I definitely do feel the same way. We just go together, right? We always have and now we always will."

"Poetic," Jungwon tells him with a small smirk, because he's Jungwon and neither he nor Jay are especially prone to mushy outbursts. Or maybe they will be, who knows. They have time to figure that out.

Jay relaxes into the bed and closes his eyes, content to let his mind float for some more time. Jungwon is silent next to him, presumably doing the same thing. He listens to the sounds of doors opening and closing outside of their own closed door and sends a quick message of thanks to whatever deities may be up there that no one decided to barge in. Including Jake, who may actually have to be kicked out and forcibly moved into the room with the younger members. Jay feels bad about it but he also doesn’t think he can live without having sex with Jungwon for any longer than he has to, now that he's actually had a taste of it. Maybe, he daydreams, they can push together the two beds in the middle of the room and then—

"Hey," Jungwon interrupts his thoughts and Jay opens his eyes. Jungwon kicks him even though he knows that Jay is already paying attention so Jay traps Jungwon's leg under his own leg. Unfazed, Jungwon continues breezily, "I was thinking that at some point we'll have to tell the other members that we're dating. And manager-hyung. And maybe even the company. I'm not saying now, obviously, but just putting that out there."

"Sure," Jay agrees readily. It makes sense and he's only vaguely afraid of what will be said and done. It's not like the company can kick the both of them out. He hopes. He mentally sticks a pin in the whole idea and shelves it for later. And perhaps selfishly, he wants to keep this between the two of them for a little while longer. "For now this is good, I think."

"Yeah," Jungwon exhales. He turns his head to look at Jay and Jay mirrors him so they're looking right at each other. Jungwon smiles one of his rare soft smiles, one that Jay usually only gets to see when he's talking to his grandmother on the phone. "For now this is good."

They still need to clean themselves up and the bite on Jay's shoulder stings something fierce but for now, he's perfectly happy with this.