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It was his first day back on duty since the procedure. As he walked down the corridor towards Engineering, Isaac silently reveled in the tingle of nervousness. Anticipation. It was such a fascinating sensation.
Timmis, it turned out, had made quite a persuasive appeal to the Kaylon during their diplomatic negotiations with the Union delegation. Many Kaylon were curious about his experiences, and interested in acquiring this new data themselves. And with the full technological might of the Kaylon behind the experiment, it took no time at all for them to solve the issue that had curtailed Isaac’s first emotional experience.
Ultimately, all it required was to first upload his memory banks into a temporary storage unit before downgrading his electrochemical pathways to match the configuration of the original Kaylon. The memory files were then converted to the new format and downloaded back into his central processor. Claire had demanded he wait until they were sure it was safe. That he would still be himself. But the procedure had been performed on dozens of Kaylon by now, to no apparent ill effect.
Captain Mercer had granted him leave to travel to Kaylon-1, where the neural modifications were performed by Dr. Vilka herself. Isaac had been eager to return to the Orville, though now that he was here, he found he was a bit apprehensive to see his crew mates. How would they react to his new, emotive self?
He was certainly still adjusting to the constant stream of sensory input. At times it seemed almost too much to process, but thus far it had been a relatively smooth reintroduction. Commander LaMarr seemed happy to see him, and he exchanged friendly nods with the other engineers on duty as he made his way to the work station on the far side of the room, near the quantum core.
The first task on his list for the day was the recalibration of the dysonium injectors. It was a delicate and complex procedure which, he now understood, he had always enjoyed. One of the most fascinating aspects of his newfound emotional awareness was the realization that, in his own way, he’d actually harbored certain "feelings" all along. Many of these emotional responses and opinions were not actually surprising. The sensations were new, but not the reasons behind them.
He keyed in his access codes and initiated the recalibration program. It was good to be back. He had not had the opportunity to perform a recalibration since shortly after he had first met Timmis and Dr. Vilka. Actually, it was the day when Ensign Burke had—
His hands froze over the console.
“Oh..”
It hit him like a wall. Grief. Was this grief? He did not breath, but somehow he was suffocating. He was choking on it.
“Isaac, you ok man?”
He had not even noticed Commander LaMarr’s approach. “I - please excuse me,” he managed, backing away from the console and practically running from the room.
John watched him go, then turned to share a look with Yaphit. “What was that about?”
“I’m not sure,” said John, “but I have a guess.” He tapped his com badge, “LaMarr to Dr. Finn…”
...
Isaac strode quickly through the corridor, barely registering where he was going. Privacy. He needed somewhere private to regain his composure. The logical part of him, the part that could instantly recall every text he’d ever read on psychology and emotional health, knew that the prescribed method for dealing with grief was to first accept it, to process it. He must allow himself to feel it. To “let it out,” as Dr. Finn would say.
This was the correct approach, in theory. He did not feel good about this theory, but he was desperate to make this feeling go away. He headed for the nearest available simulator, closing the door behind him.
...
Claire suspected there was an issue, but nothing could have quite prepared her for the scene she walked into. “Isaac, are you in — oh my god..Isaac! What’s wrong?”
They were in a simulation of the Engineering Deck. The room was empty, save for Isaac, in his human avatar, slumped on the floor with his back against one of the work stations. He was sobbing.
“Isaac…” Her mind was running in a million different directions.
He looked up, almost startled, as she approached. “Oh, Claire… I didn’t mean for anyone to see me like this…”
She knelt beside him, tentatively laying a hand on his arm. “Isaac, what’s going on?”
He sniffed loudly, eyes red as he turned to look at her, and Claire marveled yet again at the convincing level of detail and realism he had managed to program into his simulated persona. She supposed it shouldn’t be all that surprising, when someone could plug their mind directly into the computer.
“I…” He swallowed. “I was in Engineering, preparing to recalibrate the dysonium injectors. And it occurred to me that the last time I performed that task was when Ensign Burke —“ He inhaled sharply, eyes squeezing shut. “It was the day that Ensign Burke apologized for her behavior towards me, and offered to assist with the recalibration. And when I replayed the memory, it just made me feel so… so sad.” He looked back up at her.
“Oh, Isaac…”
“I thought if I.. allowed myself to express the emotion physically, it might dissipate faster. But the more I think about it, the more I remember all of our other conversations. All the time we spent working together. And I remember how much she hated me, and blamed me for the death of her friend. Yet how she still... how she…”
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands, choking out another sob.
Claire wrapped her arms around his shoulders and he let her pull him towards her in a gentle hug.
“I don’t know how to make it stop,” he whispered, eyes closed. “Does everyone feel like this?”
Claire felt her own heart twisting in a knot, and rested her chin on his head. “Grief affects us all in different ways, at different times. You and Charly had a complicated relationship. Closer, even, in some ways, than most of the crew.”
He took a shuddering breath, wiping a hand across his face. “How am I to function, when every memory now elicits such terrible, overwhelming sensations? I feel sadness, but also… guilt. Remorse. Shame. Gratitude…. admiration. I— I miss her. We worked together for so long and now she is just… gone.”
Claire sighed. “There’s no easy way to recover from the loss of a friend. Those sensations never really leave you. It can be a slow process, but in time, they do fade a little.”
“My memories do not.. fade with the passage of time, Doctor,” Isaac muttered, miserably.
Claire couldn’t help a sympathetic smile. “Yes, that does make it a bit more challenging.”
“Perhaps this was a mistake. I should have learned the first time - I am not equipped to... to process these sensations. I should not have re-attempted the neural modification.”
Claire leaned back on her heels and ducked her head to meet his gaze. “Is that want you want?”
He stared at her blankly for a moment, his eyes red and tearful, then blinked. “No,” he said. “No. I would not choose to go back. It is just…” He shook his head and huffed a sad, quiet laugh.
“Thank you, Claire, for coming to find me. Truly, I am humbled by the knowledge that you control these feelings so well. I thought myself so much more efficient and productive than biologicals. And here I am, an hour into my shift, unable to maintain my composure, let alone complete a task.”
“We all have our moments,” she said with a little shrug, backing away as he moved to stand up.
“I must return to Engineering. I have duties to perform. I must…" He bowed his head and squared his shoulders. "I must learn to control these feelings.”
“Well I must say,” said Claire, smiling softly at him, “you’re a natural.”
“A natural what?”
She laughed and hugged him, kissing his tear-streaked cheek. He leaned in, turning towards her. A robot should not be this good at kissing, but she definitely wasn’t going to complain.
“So you’re going to be ok?” she asked, resting her hands on his chest.
“I will.” He smiled weakly at her. “Thank you, Claire.” He sniffed and raised his head. “End simulation.”
And suddenly, his sad brown eyes were glowing, crystal blue.
Claire reached up a hand to cradle the side of his head and kissed him again. “Meet me for dinner tonight?”
“I would love to,” he said, gently taking her hand, and they exited the simulator together.
~fin~