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He was 2 feet away. Right in front of her, the man of all of her dreams, all of the hopes she placed onto romance, the first one to ever share and learn along with her what it could even mean; the man she had adored for years on end. A childhood crush, knowing him as a challenge for her to see if she could ever truly know someone.
Diluc was always right next to her, despite his entire world never truly overlapping besides that. They walked paths that lead to different places, that coincidentally were placed right next to each other. It was not fate that she liked him. She kept telling herself that “fate” and “destiny” were chains that she should break loose of, rather than adhere to. That they were reserved for storybooks; things that seemed like a good idea, but could never translate into reality.
His world was filled with the patience his family raised him with; a rowdy, unruly, but kind boy. He was the definition of a spark that turned into a flame, before burning into ashes on the floor. When he left, Jean knew that was the moment their paths diverged, and that her childhood crush had no place in her life anymore. That she needed to let him go when he left. Because she was the only one he trusted enough to tell that he was going; because she was the only one that would not try to stop him out of personal reasons, or tell him to go out of guilt or contempt. She was the one he chose to share this piece of him with, and she was eternally grateful for the friendship they had.
Love was not in the cards. Love, perhaps, was not meant for her in general.
She had seen what the results were of love that was risky. Things her heart did not want to see or admit were the truth. It was the truth, the reality of the matter, that her parents couldn’t make it work. It was the reality of the matter that Diluc’s mother died before she could even meet her. It was the reality that made her push back all of her romance novels deep into her bookcase, at the estate of her mother, where she grew up. There, all those childish fantasies could stay protected with a layer of nostalgia. Dear to her heart, but far beyond the rational mind.
He was 2 feet away. Diluc, the man that she knew was so much more than the shell of the man he sold himself as, the man that she felt she understood more than anyone else in the world, even when she interrogated those she needed to understand better than herself, even when she was with her closest friends that carried her burden along with her, those that protected her in her times of darkness; the man that understood her better than her own father probably did. Diluc, her childhood crush that she never knew was reciprocated or not, because she couldn’t phathom the idea of true courage back then, before she was the Lionfang and Dandelion Knight, that Diluc. Diluc Ragnvindr.
He was 2 feet away and tenderly holding her hand against his beating heart and she felt like the tearducts in her eyes would unleash the ugliest sob she’s ever uttered. Because he was sorrowful, not overjoyed. Because the look in his eyes was one that authors would describe during mourning, not love. Everything he said rang in her ears like a drum, because it was an apology for everything that made her into the person she was today.
Diluc was apologizing for making her face reality.
Perhaps, if she was someone else at that very moment, she would’ve felt closer to him than before. If she was the little girl of 17 he left behind, the little girl of 17 that uncharacteristically gave him her blessing to leave, perhaps she would’ve loved him more. But this only hurt, more than the rejection of her feelings would hurt.
Since the fact stays, that if he rejected only her feelings, he could still accept her. He was rejecting everything she was right now, and that might’ve been the reason why she pulled away from his grasp.
“I don’t need you to be what you used to be, Master Diluc. I just want you to be happy. Whether you’re the reason the entirety of Mondstadt is rejoicing outside, or if you’re the hiding within the dark of the night.” She shook the tears out of her eyes, remembering the Lionfang inside of her, the one that bloomed into the Dandelion, the one that got her through everything she knew today.
“I simply long for your happiness, nothing more.”
Even before she walked out of the tavern, he couldn’t have been further away from her heart.