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Chloe stood between Lucifer’s legs as he perched on the armrest of her couch. His forehead pressed against the front of Chloe’s faded, stone blue t-shirt and darkness bloomed along the fabric from their hair - his damp and curling, and Chloe’s heavy and dripping.
Water not blood, Chloe reminded herself.
The lounge was dark except for a tall lamp emitting a warm glow. Chloe smoothed her hands down Lucifer’s back. He had redressed after their shower and was wearing a white shirt, no jacket or vest. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. Her breathing was gentle and calm as Lucifer tightened his grip around her waist.
“You died.” His voice a shuddering vibration in the silence.
Chloe’s heart leapt erratically, and she swallowed down the bile that had risen at his words. The ghost of her earlier panic attack lingered. Standing at the top of the stairs of the coliseum, in the fading daylight, she had struggled to breathe. Her body had healed instantly but her mind felt like it was falling. Crashing and spinning and somersaulting, down, down, down.
Lucifer trembled against her.
He had flown her to Linda’s house and Linda had taken one look at her bloodied shirt before exclaiming that she ‘was not that type of doctor.’ Once Lucifer had explained what was happening, Linda had taken Chloe into the bathroom to sit on the cool tiles and she had held Lucifer’s hand, counting the bones in his fingers to slow down her mind. When she was ready, he had flown her home and asked him to stay.
Chloe ran her hands up and down his arms. She then kissed the top of his head and gently tilted his chin up. Chloe pressed another kiss to his lips. They were warm and dry. She tugged his top lip into her mouth briefly, before letting his head rest against her neck again. Absentmindedly, she carded her hand through the curls at the nape of his neck.
“You died,” Lucifer repeated, anguish clear in his rising voice.
She tugged at his hair, reminding him that she was there.
“But you brought me back,” Chloe murmured against his eyebrows.
The momentary nothingness, Azrael placing her gently at the gates of Heaven, the pleasant brain fog that dulled her memories, the joy at seeing her dad… and then the overwhelming rush of realising she had left behind her life, her daughter and Lucifer. The warmth of his ring and the blinding light that forced her eyes to open when her soul returned to her body was seared in her mind.
Lucifer’s fingers dug deeper into the soft curves above her hip bones. He breathed in the smell of wet material.
“You died?” A voice repeated.
Lucifer jumped up from the couch as Chloe whirled around. Her heart fell.
Trixie stood at the edge of the living room in her unicorn pyjamas. The light from her bedroom shone on her face, eyes wide with fear.
Chloe glanced at Lucifer. She knew she would have to tell Trixie at some point, but she was hoping for a bit more time.
“You DIED?” Trixie shouted, staring at her mother. Her voice sliced through the room.
Where’s my dad?
I want my daddy.
A sob caught in Chloe’s throat. Her mind snagged on the memory of her daughter’s distraught face at the hospital. The sick feeling that lived at the base of her throat reared up.
Dan.
Her own father.
“Trixie, honey…”
But Trixie had turned her gaze to Lucifer, pinning him with her glare, “You really are the devil. Bad things always happen when you’re around.”
For a moment, there was stunned silence.
Then Trixie spun around and fled into her bedroom, loud sobs echoing through the house.
Chloe's heartbeat thundered in her ears. She could not think of a worse thing that her daughter could have said to her partner. She turned to Lucifer, a million thoughts running through her head – her only child, Lucifer, the choices she had made and the risks she had taken.
He stood their frozen. His hands hung limply at his sides and his eyes were glassy.
“She doesn’t mean that Lucifer, please don’t go anywhere,” Chloe begged, cupping his face in her hands.
His eyes moved to hers, but she could tell that he was not looking at her. He was seeing every insecurity, every mistake, every bad thing that he could ever attribute to himself flash across his vision like an old film.
Emotions fought for space in Chloe’s chest.
“I need to be with her.”
Lucifer did not respond.
Chloe dropped her hands, concern building inside her. With a final glance at him, Chloe ran to comfort her daughter.
- -
Chloe dropped her hands, taking her comfort with her.
He understood. Beatrice was her child.
Lucifer briefly wondered what it would have been like to have a mother like that. Someone who rushed to listen and understand. Someone who cared. The thought left as quickly as it had come, replaced by Beatrice’s words. Bad things always happen when you’re around.
He shuddered. The words slid into his stomach, and the world swayed. All at once, his head felt too loud and his throat too tight.
It was all true.
He was the Devil, and he was evil. He pretended to be good, but he was only fooling himself.
Voices screamed their opinions at him. Not opinions. The truth.
He made mistakes and people died. It did not matter if it was intentional or not. It was his fault. It was always his fault.
Lucifer could not stay. He was poison. He had always known he was. He had let Chloe convince him otherwise - good, kind Chloe. But he was deluding himself, tricking her. How dare he?
He could not stay.
- -
When Chloe returned to the lounge room, Lucifer was gone.
She groaned in frustration. She thought they were past this. Lucifer knew he was not responsible for the world’s evils and most of all, for Chloe’s choices. She just had to remind him.
Trixie was asleep and Chloe called Maze to come over while she went looking for him.
Chloe had held Trixie while she cried and apologised for choosing to put herself in danger without talking to her daughter first. Chloe asked Trixie if she would be okay with her leaving to find Lucifer. Trixie's bottom lip had trembled and Chloe rushed to gather her back in her arms.'I won't go,' she'd whispered. But Trixie had shaken her head. 'I didn't mean to hurt Lucifer.' Chloe's heart swelled.‘You’re allowed to express your anger Monkey, but you're right, Lucifer felt hurt. And I want to find him so he doesn't have to hurt alone.’ Her brave little girl had understood.
Chloe was standing by the door, ready to leave, when Maze walked in.
Maze nodded at her.
“I’m going to find him,” Chloe assured her.
- -
Lucifer’s car was still parked outside Chloe’s house when she stepped out the front door, holding her jacket closed around her. He must have flown. Chloe inwardly cursed those gorgeous wings because he could go much further and much quicker with them, making her job that much harder.
She checked LUX and the penthouse first before calling Linda to see if he was with her. When he was not anywhere, Chloe drove down to the beach, or their beach as she liked to call it in her head. She parked her car on the shorefront and started walking down to the water.
It was cold and Chloe was soon shaking. But she was desperate to find him.
The sand stretched out in front of her like a dappled grey canvas, the ocean meeting the sand like spilled ink.
Her searching eyes landed on a shadow, dark and brooding. Lucifer.
Chloe made her way across the beach, taking off her shoes to sink her feet into the cool sand.
“Hey,” she whispered as she reached him.
Lucifer sat hugging his knees, his eyes red rimmed. He stared out at the water.
Chloe sat down next to him, giving him space and a moment to adjust to her presence. Ocean spray tickled her skin. She shivered.
Lucifer made no indication that he was aware of her but spoke anyway.
“She’s right Detective. Think of all the bad things that have happened to you because of me. You died, Daniel’s death, Cain, your Dad’s killer never getting the punishment he deserved, quitting the LAPD, having to move in with Maze…”
He stopped.
Chloe smiled at the last one, her fingers traced idle patterns in the sand. Her reply flowed out of her unbidden, without hesitation.
“But Lucifer, think of all the good things that happened to me. I didn’t die when Jimmy shot me, I didn’t die when Professor Carlisle poisoned me, I chose to quite the LAPD and I get to help even more people now, Trixie has a best friend who can teach her how to protect herself…”
Chloe paused and took a deep breath, “I get to be loved by you. And that outweighs every crazy thing that your celestial influence has had on my life.”
Lucifer remained silent, glaring at the ocean.
Chloe knew he wished he could glare at her, at her refusal to see him as he saw himself. Her refusal to give in. He would call it denial, but she would call it determination. She loved him. All of him.
The waves crashed against the shore.
Chloe put her hand on his arm, “What about all the bad things that have happened to you because of me, Malcolm shot you because you were protecting Trixie and I, you had to go back to Hell to save me from the poison, you’re vulnerable when I’m around, I shot you.” She released his arm as she gestured. “You got stabbed… Lucifer, I mean, maybe I’m the one who’s brought bad things into your life. None of that would have happened to you if you hadn’t met me.”
Another wave slammed into the shore as Lucifer twisted around to look at her, horror painting his face.
The desired reaction.
Lucifer’s fingers grazed Chloe’s chin and she raised it defiantly to meet his gaze.
Fire against fire.
“Detective, meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. You are the greatest thing in my life, and I would never take back anything I’ve done to keep you safe. I wanted to do all those things. I …”
Chloe nodded, interrupting him, “I know. That’s what I’m trying to say too.”
She carefully pulled from his grasp and scooted closer to him, laying her head on his shoulder.
“Our choices are in our control, and choices have consequences, sometimes unintended or unexpected ones, sometimes positive ones and sometimes negative ones, that much is true.”
She pressed a hand to his chest.
“But sometimes bad things are out of our control, despite our choices, and other times,” she trailed off as she grappled with putting everything she was thinking into words.
“I don’t think the bad times are worth the good ones necessarily, because we can learn so much by experiencing joy. But I think that the good times give us the strength to get through the next bad thing.”
She looked up at him, running the tips of her fingers over his stubble. “Lucifer, you give me so much strength. And I do think you’re worth it. You’re worth every single slightly scary thing that has happened to me.”
Lucifer was quiet for a while. The breeze picking up his now dry curls and depositing them across his forehead.
“You’re worth every vulnerability, Chloe.”
Chloe dropped her head shyly. It was such a simple thing to say, yet so Lucifer, so them.
“Please come home.”
Lucifer sighed and pulled away from her.
“No one expects you to be perfect Lucifer, you’ll always be enough. The worst version of you is enough for me, and the best version of you is a sight to behold. I love you unconditionally.”
“Even if my worst version isn’t good?” he whispered hopefully.
She nodded and his eyes widened.
“There is more than one way to be good, Lucifer and I think you’re good,” she replied.
He made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat. A cloud passed over the moon, hiding it from view. The reflection of moonlight over the ocean blinked out. The darkness blanketed them.
Chloe did not know what she had misunderstood.
“But what if I’m not good!?” he cried. “And what if I get tired of trying to be?”
Another wave met the sand violently.
Chloe considered him carefully. Considered that he wanted to be loved for his truest self and that he did not think that self was good but craved for it to be loved regardless. She picked up one of his hands and held it between her own.
Looking back out at the sea, she said, “Maybe good and bad are not the most helpful ways to think about this. I accept your flaws, that will be ever-present, and the mistakes that you’ll learn and grow from. I hope we can tell each other when the other upsets us and make our own choices about how to respond.” She brushed her thumb across his wrist, “We’re partners, which means I want to work through the good things and the bad things with you, and love you through it all.”
Lucifer squeezed her hand but said nothing. She sighed gently.
“One day, you’ll believe it,” she breathed.
He turned to look at her, his forehead crinkling.
“One day you’ll love yourself so much, that you won’t need me.”
Lucifer’s eyes filled with tears, and he let out a sob. Chloe wrapped her arms around his trembling form, pulling him into her. She rubbed his back.
“Impossible,” he croaked.
Chloe kissed his hair. Lucifer’s warmth washed over her. He was the most beautiful soul. She knew what she deserved, and she would not settle for someone who did not treat her with the utmost respect. She had complete faith in him.
“You’ll still want me though,” she whispered. She hoped he would love her forever, just as she could never imagine not wanting him.
Lucifer exhaled and she felt his lips curve into a smile against her chest.
“Come home, please,” she repeated.
He nodded against her.
“Home,” he mumbled.
Chloe kissed his temple. “Home.”