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The Xenobotanist Who Loved Me

Summary:

Ed's been working up the courage to tell the foxy professor that he's been transporting between planets how he feels when the snake lily attacks.

(It's a sex pollen fic)

Notes:

for dani

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

They were picking up samples on Escrin-7 when it happened. And it was all Ed’s fault.

They had been laughing, doing one of the dozens of bits they had come up with in the few months they had been floating together. Ed would point to a plant (not touching, and never plucking, Stede had told him over and over again) and go, “and what’s this stupid plant then?” Stede would give an exaggerated eyeroll and tell him - “a selkie reed, the locals named it after the seals back on Prime. Because of the spots, see?” - and then Ed would say, “nah, it looks like a dick to me.” Or whatever genitals it resembled. Usually a dick.

They were nearing the end of the contract, and Ed was getting up the courage to just tell Stede how he felt. It hadn’t been that long, but things were different in the float, snug in a ship, just the two of them and the bots and the vast void of space. Ed had been doing contracts with the university on Sapir-2 for close to six Prime years now, and it was usually all so fucking boring. Until Stede came along, with his outrageous silver outfits straight out of a “One Night with a Jupiter Slug” old-timey bodice ripper, and swept Ed off his feet. And it was hard to sweep someone off their feet in low-grav.

Stede had been just so awful adapting to that. 

“Haven’t you ever been in the float before?” Ed said.

“No, I’ve never been off Sapir-2. It’s all very exciting!” And he’d lose his balance, and throw his arms out, even after Ed told him ten times not to, and go floating slowly away until he bumped into something he could grab to push himself back to the floor. But he had gotten better. And if Ed had gotten in close - adjusting Stede’s arms and legs, pressing against him from behind with one hand on his shoulder to maneuver his balance and the other on his stomach to remind him to keep his core tight - it was just to help Stede learn.

Stede was a biology professor and head of the xenobotany department at Sapir University, which was the biggest in the cluster.

“Just because my great-grandfather’s name is on the library,” Stede said once while they had played cards. “I’m afraid I didn’t earn it.”

“Nah, fuck that. I’ve flown with so many of you pretentious, pompous academic fuckheads– uh, no offense.”

“None taken.”

“That I know you’re the real deal. You care a lot about plants, Stede, and you’re not an asshole.”

Stede laughed. “Is that all the qualifications I need to be the head of a department at a prestigious intergalactic institution, then?”

“You’ve also got nice hair.”

Stede beamed as he drew a card. “Thank you.”

“Even if your water use is frankly criminal. Don’t knock, you won’t win.”

Stede’s face scrunched into a frowning pout. He discarded and Ed immediately snatched the card off the pile. He slapped a card facedown to replace it and fanned out his hand on the table. “Gin!”

“You did that on purpose!”

“That’s fifty four points. I’m officially beating you by over four hundred.”

“Harrumph. And my water use is within standard cycle numbers.”

Ed grinned as he gathered the cards to shuffle them. “Literally to the edge, Professor Bonnet.”

“I told you to call me Ed!” said Stede.

“I told you to call me Stede!” said Ed.

Another bit, from the first few days in the float together. They giggled and leaned in, and then they stopped, but they were still looking into each other's eyes. Still leaning close. 

And then Stede smiled, and tilted his head just a little to the side, and Ed’s heart did a stupid pitter-patter and knew the moment was gone. He had just wanted to fuck the hot professor, at first, but there were Rules about that. Not like he hadn’t ever broken them, though, and Stede was certainly worth it, with those slutty little shiny boots he always wore. But Stede seemed cheerfully unaware of Ed’s advances, besides the time he had come out of the head in just a towel, which had technically been an accident. They had played a game of cat and mouse since then whenever Ed showered, where Stede waited in his room and Ed waited in the head. But he always lost, because Stede read books and Ed was chronically impatient.

The line between when Ed had just wanted to fuck Stede and when he fell in love with him was… blurry. It might have been when he found out Stede brought actual books with him on board, paper and shit, books that cost thousands if not millions of cred. They were so insanely impractical Ed thought at first that it could be a power move to intimidate the rustic, uneducated space captain. But Stede had offered to lend him one the very first cycle, and Ed had accepted it, and even though he still thought real books were ridiculous and a waste of space, it was kind of nice. It smelled weird, and the weight of it was cool, and there was some kissing in it, which he especially liked. And he got to think of Stede’s hands caressing the cover and licking his fingers to turn the page, like he had seen him do in the commons of the ship. He also loved the little involuntary noises Stede made as he read like “hm!” and “tsh?” and “aha!” adjusting his stupid fucking adorable little glasses and wiggling whenever he got to a good part.

Ed might have fallen in love when he first saw Stede out of the ship planetside, when he had put his fucking arms out and Julie Andrews in the Sound of fucking Music-ed spun around, looking at the landscape. His eyes had been shining and he had taken a deep breath in and he had looked at Ed and said, “Isn’t it wonderful?

Uryal-1 was actually a shithole, but if you squinted, Ed guessed he could see the appeal. Even though it was hot and sticky, the plants were mostly red and black, which was kind of metal. Stede was researching a special moss that started growing across colonies on the outskirts of big cities that had been built for at least two Prime centuries. There was no reason the same plant grew in so many disparate climates, Stede explained, except for human influence.

Ed might have fallen in love with Stede when he waltzed into a bar that was clearly for who he called “ne’er-do-wells” and wasn’t dissuaded by the glares and cracking knuckles of the patrons to order something called a “Piña Colada.”

“It’s an old drink,” Stede said. “But they have a lot of plants here that can substitute for the ones back on Prime.”

He had to teach the bartender how to make it, and it was honestly pretty good. A little bitter, but Stede assured him that the heaping spoonfuls of sugar Ed added actually made it taste more authentic.

Regardless of when it actually happened, Ed was definitely in love with Stede when he got hit with the sex flower.

“And what’s this stupid plant then,” Ed said, pointing to a freaky looking orange-spotted yellow thing.

Stede squinted, shrugged, and returned to his task. “I’m not sure. It kind of looks like a snake lily. But they don’t grow on the Escrins.”

“Looks like a dick to me.” And it did, because it had twisted into a weird, serpentine shape. In retrospect, that’s probably where it got its name.

“Ed, move!” And Stede had pushed him out of the way, and the flower had spit out three darts into his neck, and Stede had swooned and fallen into Ed’s arms.

“What the fuck! What the fuck! ” Ed said. “Stede, what the fuck!”

“It’s illegal to grow snake lilies outside of their native homelands. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.”

“What the fuck is a snake lily! Stede! Are you going to be okay?”

“I should be,” Stede said, but he wasn’t looking Ed in the eye. “Can you, ehm, let go of me, please?”

Ed pushed him upright but didn’t let go of his shoulders. He looked shaky, and flushed. “Stede, tell me what the fuck is going on .”

“A snake lily is, is– it’s a– it’s an aphrodisiac.” Stede was ringing his hands. “A powerful one.”

“Like a boner pill?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, so, just, uh, take care of it in the ship. I can leave you alone.”

“Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that.”

“What do you mean?”

“It has to be… it has to be with someone else.”

“Or?”

“Or it could be bad.”

“How bad?”

Stede finally looked at him. “Very bad.”

Ed stared at him and finally let go of his shoulders. “Okay? But? Why?”

“No one knows. This plant evolved for billions of Prime years without humans, so why it even has this effect on us is anybody’s guess.”

“Alright, okay. So. Okay. So. I guess we have to have sex?”

Stede grimaced. Grimaced. “We’re not supposed to.”

“I think this is kind of an emergency fucking situation here, Stede!”

Stede stuck his chin out. “No.”

Ed was very glad he was so mad, because it helped distract him from his heart breaking. “So what the fuck do you propose, then!”

“First, I need to take care of this plant. See if there’s any more in the area.”

“Stede!”

“I should be fine in a few days. Probably.”

“Probably!”

Ed tore his hair out trying to get Stede to go back to the ship, to do something, but Stede just puttered around the area and searched for more snake lilies.

“I’ll have to tell the university so they can inform the authorities,” Stede said, when he found what was clearly an illegal grow operation. “This is serious.”

Back on the ship, Stede called home while Ed tore through the webs, searching for information on snake lilies. They were definitely black market shit, and there were rumors some people - criminals or governments, depending on the source - even used them for torture. And if you didn’t take care of things, you could die . Stede would rather die than fuck him.

“You can just pretend I’m someone else! Close your eyes and think of Saturn! Stede! I’m great at sucking dick, I swear to fucking god, just let me help you!”

Stede was lying down on the couch in the commons. He was pale and sweating and his forearm was draped over his face. “Please don’t talk about– that, right now.”

So Ed switched tactics. Got on the comms. Ignored Stede’s massive erection, which was bulging obscenely out of his stupid silver space pants. 

“They’ve got a red light district here. Not too far.”

“Oh, Ed–”

“I’m not going to let you die, Stede!”

Stede huffed. “Alright. Fine.”

It became pretty clear the grow operation had been connected to the brothels in the city, because they took one look at Stede and sent him to a place called Luscious.

“Ah,” said the campy man with dark hair sitting behind the desk. “Snake lily?”

“Yeah, man, he needs help!”

“Calm down.” The man tossed a set of keys to Ed, who caught them with the hand that wasn’t being used to help keep Stede upright. “I assume you’ve got cred. Third door down is free and clean. There’s a book of all our employees inside, just let us know who he wants. Unless you just want to use it yourselves. That’s cheaper.”

“No,” said Stede, even as he leaned heavily on Ed and his head rolled against his chest. Ed scowled, and the front desk guy raised an eyebrow. 

“Well, just for information’s sake,” he said. “There’s a special lube in there that’s great for snake lilies. It really opens up… the senses. It’s the purple one.” 

Ed nodded and dragged Stede into the room. It was nice, everything in sensual shades of red, a clean-looking bed and cushions of all shapes and sizes on the soft rug. Ed sat Stede on the bed and grabbed the catalog and stuck it under his nose and started flipping the pages.

“Pick someone!” he said.

Stede’s eyes were glazed and he was panting as he looked at the bodies in front of him.

“I don’t want any of them,” he said. He was so pale. The webs had said at this point he should be rabid for anything right now. Maybe he didn’t want Ed, but this gorgeous buffet of willing professionals wasn’t doing it for him either? 

“Stede…” Ed’s voice was broken. “Please, please. Pick someone. Anyone! Or fuck me. Please!”

“I won’t.”

Ed sobbed with rage. “Why would you rather die than fuck me?”

Stede looked into Ed’s eyes and licked his lips. “Because I’d rather die than fuck you just once.”

Ed froze.

“I’d rather die than fuck anyone else but you. I want you. Only you.”

Ed was still frozen.

“And I won’t take advantage just because you feel guilty. I just need to ride it out. Most people don’t die.”

Ed tossed the catalog onto the ground and straddled Stede on the bed. Stede hissed and dug his hands into Ed’s hips.

“You fucking lunatic ,” Ed said. “I love you.

Stede groaned and shook his head, even as he pushed up into Ed. “No. You’re just saying that.”

“I’m not! I was working up the nerve to tell you before the contract was up!”

“Ed…” 

“Stede, we can talk later, but I am begging you. I am on my hands and knees. Metaphorically. For now.”

Stede closed his eyes and squeezed his face as he grabbed at Ed’s ass with both hands, pushing him forward to grind their pelvises together. Ed held his breath.

“I can’t–” Stede said desperately, rolling his hips. “I can’t be gentle right now–”

Ed leaned forward and said into Stede’s ear, “Good.”

Stede made a sound like a wild animal and pushed Ed off of him and down onto the ground. He grabbed at a pillow shaped like a long triangle and yanked Ed roughly into position over it so that Ed’s ass was in the air. Stede’s hands were everywhere - tugging at Ed’s clothes, gripping into his stomach, thighs, and dick, sliding under his shirt and twisting at his nipples. He kept rutting against him, and Ed was pushing back, finally feeling his panic recede leaving nothing but blissful, heated arousal.

Stede had felt thick through his clothes, and Ed looked back over his shoulder as he pulled his dick out of his pants. His mouth went dry at the sight of it. It was thick, and pink, with a pulsing vein up the side Ed couldn’t wait to taste. But that’s clearly not what Stede had in mind, as he drew Ed’s pants down and dragged the length of his dick along Ed’s crease and slapped it against the meat of his ass.

“Do you feel that,” Stede said. “That’s all for you. This is all I could think about for the last twelve hours. Fuck, for the last two months. I want to split you wide open. I’m going to make you scream.”

“Jesus fuck, Stede.” Ed waved his ass a little in the air and Stede swore. “Purple lube. Come on .” This time, Ed wasn’t just begging so Stede would save himself.

Stede grabbed the bottle and made a mess of his fingers. He put one fingertip on Ed’s opening. He pressed in, just a bit, and the lube was already working its magic, because it didn’t take long for the whole finger to slip inside. And then two, and three, and four followed, in quick succession. Ed dug his fingernails into the carpet, panting. Stede was going for function over form, getting Ed ready, but Ed was still biting his lips and rocking back into Stede, letting out high, reedy little noises as he fucked himself on Stede’s fingers.

Stede withdrew and slicked himself up. He slapped and grabbed Ed’s ass with both hands, spreading him wide, and then without much preamble he pushed himself inside. The purple lube had taken the fun out of the hot, burning stretch Ed loved to feel, but considering the circumstances he wasn’t complaining. Stede wanted only him. He’d get to have this again.

Stede slammed into him over and over again, and Ed was trying not to cry out each time Stede bottomed out, but he couldn’t help it after a while and let himself wail.

“Fuck– Stede– I– love– you–”

Stede’s nails dug into Ed’s hips and he picked up the pace, fucking Ed into incoherency, pushing and pulling at him to meet him halfway with each thrust. Ed reached down and grasped himself and started working his own dick, and Stede sucked in a breath and took himself all the way out of Ed before ramming back into him. He did this again, and again, and Ed was sobbing with it, until he came, clenching tighter than he had been since the lube first started working. A sharp moan tore itself out of Stede, and he pushed deep into Ed as he followed him over the edge, coming hard and hot and filling him up and making him feel perfect.

When Stede was done, they just breathed together for a moment. Until laughter bubbled up inside of Ed, and he tried to bite down on a fist to stop it but it wouldn’t be contained.

“Oh my god, Ed,” Stede said. “Please at least wait until I’m not inside you anymore.”

“I’m sorry– It’s just–”

Stede rolled away and sat back on his haunches. Ed was shaking with laughter now.

“You’re making a mess of yourself, you know,” said Stede.

“I think you did that.”

Stede sniffed, and rummaged in the same cabinet he had found the lube to find some supplies to clean them both up. 

When they finished, they cuddled on the bed.

“I love you, too,” Stede said softly. “If that wasn’t clear.”

“I got that,” Ed said. “You resisted the effects of a homicidal sex plant just to not fuck me.”

“Because I love you.”

“Weird way of showing it, but okay.”

Stede leaned in to kiss him softly. “I didn’t imagine our first time exactly like this.”

“Are you kidding me? This is high class erotica bullshit. ‘The Plant Professor Who Fucked Me Raw.’”

“Maybe you should write a book.”

Ed yawned and snuggled in even closer. “Gonna need some more material, first.”

Notes:

i honest to god did not start writing this to be a sex pollen fic. but then i looked through the first bit and was like "did i really make stede a plant professor on alien worlds just to NOT make this a sex pollen fic?" so here we are.

stedezissou on twitter and zombee on tumblr. come prompt me or just let's be friends!

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