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Most of the members of the recently formed Justice League believe that Batman has no sense of humor. Superman, who had known The Bat for years prior, insists he does; it’s just a wicked, dry, sarcastic sense of humor. Flash and Green Lantern constantly argue that they would have witnessed a joke by now if that was the case. Green Lantern and Green Arrow have agreed he was born a sour-puss, but Flash has come to the conclusion the Joker had something to do with his no-jokes-allowed sensibility. Any time the topic is brought up around Wonder Woman, she is quick to squash it, stating: “It is none of their business” and to leave Batman alone.
Batman, of course, does have a sense of humor. And he finds it very funny to annoy and tease his new teammates. A particularly fun method he found is utilizing his civilian identity.
Anytime Brucie Wayne is brought up, he is sure to be present to insert some scathing comment: from calling himself “a vapid trust fund baby that never grew up” to “a floozy with minimal brain function whose child runs his company”. These comments in themselves are fun to make, but the others’ reactions are what’s really so funny.
They have all been known to interject a disagreement over Brucie Wayne’s character. Oliver never fails to step in to try to defend his friend’s honor, but in an effort to conceal how exactly he knows Bruce Wayne, he usually ends up floundering and accidentally insulting Bruce. Clark always gives his usual disapproving look and chimes in with something along the lines of: “I know how he is often spoken about in the media, but I’ve met him on a few occasions and he’s really not like that.”
(It’s also funny to watch Clark trying to avoid outing himself as a reporter, as his high regard for Bruce Wayne stems from an interview where Bruce did flirt with Clark relentlessly but also went into great detail on the dozens of Wayne Enterprise projects helping to rebuild Gotham into a better city – Clark wrote a very flattering article following that interview.)
Flash pushed one day, “Why are you always defending him, Supes? Do you– oh my god, do you have a crush?” He manages to work ‘crush’ into a two syllable word.
“What, no!” Superman responds, in a panic, far too quickly, “He’s just… Look, Bruce Wayne has done a ton of stuff for Gotham: his company has built orphanages, and schools, and hospitals. He’s created dozens of care-programs, renovating housing and public buildings and creating scholarships for kids who wouldn’t have even graduated highschool otherwise. And… and he’s just really… selfless.”
That got a chuckle from nearly everyone listening.
Superman huffs, then continues, “I’m serious! There was this one time, he was in a hostage situation –”
“Go figure,” Green Lantern interrupts, Bruce’s kidnappings are a running gag at this point.
Superman ignores the interruption, “He was visiting an elementary school,” he now has everyone’s full attention, “The thug was waving his gun around, really on edge. I was timing my entrance to take him down without startling him so he wouldn’t start firing randomly into a room full of children. But, Bruce; he was totally calm. He talked the guy down. I’ll never forget it, he just got the man’s attention in a real gentle voice and said,” Clark does a shockingly accurate copy of Bruce Wayne’s voice as he reiterates the words he’d heard, “‘These are kids, listen to me, these are just kids. If you need to point the gun at someone, point it at me.’ He got the guy to hand over the gun and turn himself into the police.”
The room is eerily quiet for a few beats before Flash breaks it, “So, that was when you fell in love?” The room eruptes into chaos and a few laserbeams.
Later that day, after the responsible parties clean the mess hall from their miniature battle, Superman sought out Batman.
“Why are you always insulting when Bruce Wayne is mentioned? I mean, like, do you just have some sort of grudge against him or do you know something I don’t?”
“Why do you care? Don’t tell me Flash was right.”
Superman’s face flushes, “No, it’s not –” He takes a steadying breath, “I do really like and admire him. But, I trust your judgement, so if you think Wayne is bad news, I’ll believe you.”
Bruce carefully measures his words, “Maybe you just see something in him I can’t,” he pauses, “I trust your judgement, too.”
Bruce is gifted with a dazzling Superman smile, so he figures he navigated that confrontation well.
The next time Bruce found an appropriate opportunity to use his alter-ego for his amusement was when Batman uncovered a new insidious plot floating around Gotham’s underbelly: a plot to kidnap Bruce Wayne on the orders of Lex Luther. If it was nearly anyone else organizing this kidnapping, Batman would have simply dropped in and shut down the whole operation – but Lex Luther wanting him, that was different.
When Batman decides to inform Superman as well as the rest of the JLA, he comes prepared with a plan.
“Let me get this straight, you want to let Wayne get kidnapped – again – despite us knowing it’s coming this time.” If it were possible Green Lantern’s jaw would be on the floor.
“No, I want you to protect Wayne and supervise the potential abduction. If he is taken, you follow and learn what Luthor wants.”
Superman looks stricken, “You want to use him as bait?”
Didn’t he just say that? Exasperated, Batman huffs, “Are you saying four members of the Justice League can’t protect one person?”
Wonder Woman steps in, sensing the fight that was about to begin, “I agree with Batman’s plan. We should allow Luther’s plans to go forward, under our safeguard, and learn what he wants with Mr. Wayne.”
“Yeah, I’m down too,” Flash adds, “But, the only thing I don’t get is why you won’t be there, Bats? Like, out of all of the JLA, you're the stealthy, reconnaissance guy.”
“I have a prior engagement.” Batman departs immediately to deter any followup questions.
He doesn’t get away quick enough and still hears Hal say, “Fifty bucks he just doesn’t want to get stuck babysitting Princess Brucie.”
The following week, Bruce returns to his office after sitting through a meeting to be greeted by none other than the Justice League. Inwardly he sighs, they did nothing to prep Bruce ahead of time, they just broke into his office on the day of. Outwardly, Bruce startles dramatically, flailing and purposely knocking over a lamp.
Superman rushes to his side and attempts to right Bruce. Bruce stumbles over his own feet, carefully falling into Superman’s chest – knowing from experience throwing his full weight onto him would be akin to walking into a brick wall.
“Oh my!” He exclaims in his Brucie-voice, “The Justice League! What are you doing in my office?”
Superman has a light blush dusting over his cheeks, he carefully avoids Bruce’s eyes and uses his most commanding, I’m-in-control voice, “We are terribly sorry to intrude, Mr. Wayne. We’ve uncovered a plot that puts you in direct danger. We’re here to protect you.”
Bruce allows himself to fawn, “Oh wow, Superman, that sounds so scary! It’s a good thing Timmy isn’t here today, I’d hate to think of my son getting wrapped up in this.”
Bruce can’t help but press at the fact that their poor planning could have put an innocent young man in jeopardy – at least, if Tim was an innocent young man and not, in fact, an active vilagente. Superman grimaced slightly as he seems to remember that Bruce’s son is usually present at Wayne Enterprises, as he runs a good portion of the company these days.
Superman clears his throat and finally guides Bruce off his position of leaning against his chest to stand on his own. “Yes, that is… lucky,” Superman says, looking at Diana. Who, in return, only shrugs.
Bruce contains his eye-roll as he makes his way to sit on the loveseat under the largest window of the room. “So who exactly do I have to thank for saving my life this time?” He puts on his best dumb-socialite smile.
Flash shuffles his feet before answering, “Batman was the one who –”
Bruce gives a long sigh, successfully cutting off Barry, “Oh, not that over dramatic furry!”
Flash instantly chokes and dissolves into a coughing fit. Green Lantern barks out a laugh he couldn’t stifle. Wonder Woman manages to stay composed, but Bruce can see the mirth in her eyes. Superman is frozen in place, an expression of horror painted on his face.
Bruce laughs loudly, “Come on! I’m not wrong! I mean, how can he dress up as a damn bat and stay so serious all the time! ”
Wonder Woman, naturally, is the first to find her voice, “I am sure Batman would not agree with you.”
Bruce waves his hand dismissively, “Yeah, yeah. The big ol’ bad bat would have my head, but, come on! It’s funny ! You all work with a guy that dresses up as a flying rodent, on purpose !”
Flash giggles out a laugh, his face turning a concerning shade of red.
“You know what, Mr. Wayne?” Green Lantern leans towards Bruce, obviously attempting a flirtatious tone, “I think you have a point.”
“Of course I do,” Bruce allows his gaze to trace over Hal’s body and affixes his up-for-anything leer, “And please, call me Bruce.”
“Bruce,” Green Lantern echoes, light pink just visible peeking out under his mask. Bruce chuckles lightly, Hal is sorely mistaken if he thinks he can out seduce the infamous Brucie Wayne.
Superman finally breaks out of his daze, “Mr. Wayne, I think it will be best if we stick to the matter at hand.”
“Whatever you say, Superman,” Bruce turns the full force of seductive Brucie Wayne towards him, “I’ll listen to anything you tell me to do. And, really, if Green Lantern is calling me Bruce, I have to insist you do too.”
His charms have significantly less effect than he was expecting, a pretty blush decorates Clark’s face, but he doesn’t become the stuttering mess Bruce has managed to turn him into in his reporter persona. Green Lantern looks suitably put out that his flirting was sidelined.
Superman goes over the plan for monitoring Bruce’s upcominging kidnapping and assures him of his safety throughout. Bruce pays enough attention to understand, while still giving a convincing Brucie Wayne performance of being too ditzy to really care about the finer details of anything. Really his mind is occupied with puzzling through Superman’s contained reaction to his come-on.
Clark had made it obscenely obvious that he was not immune to the charms of Brucie Wayne, and moreover he had been significantly wooed by the more real, generous side of Bruce as seen through the WE outreach projects. Bruce has gotten Clark blushing and shy, stuttering and awkward, and even, on one occasion, breathless and near desperate. But today, Superman stayed perfectly calm and collected. And Bruce wants to be annoyed by it, he really does, but he only feels that ever present magnetic pull to the Man of Steel become stronger.
If Clark can contain himself, then why has he ever revealed his reactions to Bruce? If Superman “really likes and admires” Brucie Wayne, why wouldn’t he take this chance to show his interest?
The mission goes as well as is to be expected. Rather inexperienced goons corner Bruce as he leaves the building, Bruce has to hold his hands several inches apart to keep the zip tie from falling off his wrists.
He asks what the goons want from him, as instructed through the earpiece provided by the JLA. They ask for five million dollars and Bruce has to refrain from rolling his eyes – he’s a well known billionaire , demanding a couple million dollars is just embarrassing – but they also want passwords for and information on Project Green Mile. Bruce, of course, has no idea what they are talking about, just because his name’s on the building doesn’t mean he knows what the company does.
Upon prodding from Bruce, the goons reveal they don’t know that they’re working for Luther – he’s inclined to believe it, they didn’t even blindfold him on the car ride to the generic warehouse, if Luther was more hands on with these guys they wouldn’t be making a million rookie mistakes.
The JLA takes down the goons with little effort, none of them even manage to get a shot off. Wonder Woman goes to Bruce to help him out of his bindings, only for Bruce to place the still intact zip tie in her hands.
“They barely even tightened it,” Bruce huffs, “They left my eyes uncovered on the drive over. They didn’t even bind my legs and one of the guys with a gun left the safety on!”
Each member of the League gave him a skeptical look.
“What? You think I don’t know how a kidnapping should go?”
That got Green Lantern snickering into his hand.
“I trust you have a way home, Bruce?” Superman asks.
“Wait, wait,” Bruce walks closer to his colleague, “The Green Mile Project, it’s a green energy design. We’re currently focusing on creating a car engine, but in the long-run, the goal is to implement them into homes – it will have the ability to power entire buildings: lighting, heating and cooling systems, state-of-the-art kitchens, entertainment centers, you name it — it has the capacity to power it. It’s… a battery, essentially; a really strong, Earth safe battery.”
“I thought you didn’t know what goes on in your company?” Green Lantern sounds genuinely shocked.
Bruce actually rolled his eyes this time, “Seriously? You literally found me today working at my company . If I actually didn’t care about it, why in the hell would I be at its offices?”
Superman leans over to Green Lantern, “Told you,” he whispers low enough Bruce couldn’t hear – but he can read lips.
At that moment, Bruce’s phone rings.
“Hey, Alfred,” Bruce answers in code, “You know, I think we should clean up the basement.” – I’m currently surrounded by my Justice League colleagues, at least one of which has super-hearing, as Bruce Wayne, so don’t talk about Batman.
“I’ll look into it, Master Bruce,” Alfred replies in code for ‘ I don’t need Batman, but I need to relay information ,’ “I’m afraid Master Richard is in need of my assistance this evening. You will need to find another way home.”
Bruce carefully moderates his voice to not hint at the worry eating away in his gut, “Will you have dinner ready?” – Is Dick hurt?
Alfred’s tone is even, “I’ll find the time.” – Dick is injured, but it’s not serious.
Bruce hangs up his phone and makes a show of pouting down at it.
Superman clears his throat, “Do you need assistance getting home?”
Bruce gasps dramatically, “You were eavesdropping!” he accuses. A guilty expression flits across Superman’s face, as he struggles to remain a stoic superhero.
“It’s okay, I forgive you… if that was you offering to take me home.” Bruce replies in a suggestive tone.
The same light blush from earlier adorns Clark’s face, “Yes, if you would like, I can fly you to Wayne Manor.”
“Or I could give you a lift!” Green Lantern interjects.
Bruce doesn’t even spare Hal a glance, “Who in their right mind would say no to Superman?”
Superman opens his arms in a gesture of picking Bruce up, but instead of just grabbing him asks, “With your permission.”
“How chivalrous!” Bruce loops his arms around Clark’s neck, “Of course.”
Superman lifts off from the ground leaving Flash looking rather dumbfounded, Green Lantern dejected, and Wonder Woman ready to go home.
Bruce doesn’t hate flying, as many members of the JLA have assumed due to his upset mumbling anytime someone scoops him off his feet. He’s just not overly fond of the loss of control accompanied with being forced to fly at someone else’s mercy. But the act of flying itself, of course he enjoys that – he willingly jumps off buildings and swings off ledges with a grapnel gun every night in Gotham. So, Bruce lets go of his Batman sensibility for just a moment, just one flight, and enjoys the feeling of being safely tucked into the chest of his most trusted confidant and revels in the feeling of soaring through the night sky.
The pair arrive at the manor far sooner than Bruce would have preferred, Superman gently placing Bruce back on the ground.
“Thank you for your assistance today, Bruce,” Superman says, his hands still resting on Bruce’s shoulders.
“It was the least I could do,” Bruce smiles, wide and very Brucie, but genuinely, “I make a very good hostage.”
Superman chuckles and starts to float just slightly, “Have a good evening–”
“Wait!” Bruce grabs Superman’s hand tugs forcefully to get him back to eye level, “Thank you,” Bruce’s voice drops close to a whisper, “for keeping me safe.” Always. Bruce leans in and kisses his cheek. Lightly, just a press of affection, of desire, of gratitude. Half a second of honesty.
He pulls back and meets his friend’s eyes. He doesn’t know what Clark is seeing in his expression, but Bruce knows his face is too open, too honest, too real. Bruce allows his dopy lopsided grin to take over, pushes his emotions away.
“Be seeing you,” Bruce turns and stalks towards the manor before Superman can say anything.
Batman organizes a meeting to be apprised of the abduction’s outcome the following day, as he should have not have any knowledge of the specifics – not that anyone would question him if he did. Bruce uses the meeting to analyze his team’s debriefing abilities.
After the meat of the meeting is covered it devolves into aimless chatter which naturally moves to the topic of Bruce Wayne. Green Arrow had caught wind that Lantern tried to get into Bruce’s pants – unsuccessfully – and will not let him live it down.
“So from the valuable information I’ve gathered,” Oliver ribs Hal, “Not only did Brucie ignore your advances, he was all over Supes!”
“You should have seen it, man,” Flash joins, “Every word out of his mouth of innuendo!”
“Sounds like Bruce,” Green Arrow mutters.
Green Lantern turned to Superman, his annoyance evident, “Why’d you have to step on my game, dude?”
“I didn’t – I wasn’t –” Superman spudders, trying to find the words to explain himself.
“You took him home!” Hal exclaims, “Did something happen? What happened?”
As Superman steadily turns red, Bruce speaks up, “I see we will be getting no more work done. This meeting is concluded.”
Batman makes his exit, ready to leave Superman to stutter through an explanation of offering Bruce Wayne a flight home. But, instead, a few feet down the hallway Superman catches up to him, calling for his attention.
Batman turns to his friend as he says, “The thing with Bruce… It really wasn’t like how it sounded in there, B!”
Bruce can’t stop himself from teasing slightly, “And what did it sound like?”
Superman reddens slightly, but his voice remains steady, “Everyone gets starry eyed over Superman. I get it all the time. But, I would never entertain the idea of using Superman to… seduce someone.”
Bruce allows the smallest, slightest smile to show, “I know.” He turns to leave, thinking the conversation finished.
“You know,” Superman continues, “I know you know that I like Bruce Wayne. That I want him to like me, not Superman, but me . But, you also have to know… If I had to choose between my two favorite Gothamites, I would always pick you.”
Several things become suddenly clear to Bruce. Superman didn’t try to woo Bruce because he wants to charm him as Clark Kent. But also, Clark only likes Bruce Wayne. Where with Batman, he… huh.
“You’re Superman, Clark,” Bruce picks his wording very carefully, “You have many talents that ensure you… You won’t have to choose.”
Batman turns and leaves Superman sputtering behind him.
“Clark? Wait, Bats! How did – When did you –”
Bruce lets a real smile break out on his face.
Batman enters the Watchtower mess hall and is greeted by a loud conversation concerning the maintenance of the space station. Many Justice League members are throwing around numbers, different costs for things, others are estimating man hours of labor.
Batman cuts into the conversation, genuinely curious, “Do you not know who funds all of this?”
He’s met with an array of blank expressions.
He lets out an annoyed huff, he hadn’t even tried very hard to conceal it. “Bruce Wayne.”
The room erupted, immediately giving Bruce a headache. He moves to make himself the coffee he ventured away from his work to have. Soon the room quiets to the normal level of noise.
“So, Spooky,” Green Lantern gets his attention, “Since the guy paid for all this, could we get Brucie up here? Give him a tour or something?”
With his back still to the group, Batman smirks into his coffee. That could be fun.
Batman addresses his teammates, “I’ll speak to him.”
Flash gapes, “Wait, do you actually know him?”
“You could say that,” Bruce doesn’t technically lie.
Bruce allows himself to get dragged around the Watchtower by various members of the JLA.
Aquaman ushers him to the large aquarium affixed to his quarters to show off his marine telepathy. Bruce points out the pair of dolphins happily playing and asks if they are “like, endangered or something? I think WE is doing something with endangered species.” Which then sets Arthur off on a tangent about marine life dying, to which Bruce tells him about Wayne Enterprises efforts to be 100% eco-friendly and their various ocean cleaning projects. By the time Bruce is dragged off by Flash, Aquaman is looking at him starry-eyed.
Flash, in turn, brings him to the mess hall. He loads him up a plate of all his favorite dishes that Bruce “just has to try.” Bruce, seeing the nearly one-foot tall pile of the greasiest food he’s ever encountered, inquires: “I read somewhere that super speed makes you, like, super hungry all the time. What’s, like, the fastest you can eat?”
Barry has Bruce time him as he devores the heaping plate, much to Bruce’s relief. Once he finished Bruce, praises in the same fashion he used on Jason when he was Robin – which, as predicted, leaves Flash looking at Bruce like he hung all the stars in the sky.
Green Arrow pulls him away next to his archery range. He shows off his perfect aim, only stumbling over his stories occasionally in an effort to not reveal himself as Bruce’s actual friend Oliver Queen. Bruce smiles at him and asks if he can teach him how to shoot an arrow.
Bruce gets his stance and grip wrong, allowing Oliver to coach him on the technique Bruce has no business knowing. He purposely misses his first dozen shots, getting whiny about not being able to get it right. After Oliver corrects him a few more times, Bruce shoots a bulls-eye. He jumps up and down cheering as Green Arrow congratulates him.
“I only got it because I had such a good teacher,” Bruce preens, causing Oliver to support a slight flush.
The day continues on in that fashion. Wonder Woman shows off her impressive sword collection and Bruce asks her to explain the benefits of one type of blade versus another.
Green Lantern directs Bruce to the hanger to see the fighter jet he’s converting to a spaceship with the help of Batman and Martian Manhunter. Bruce asks about the effects of extended space flight because he “heard somewhere that being in space for a long time is, like, bad for people or something,” causing Hal to explain the mechanics that makes his ship better than the rest by drawing power from his ring.
The next person to pull him aside is J’onn, he brings him to the lab where Batman and himself have been studying a new alien plant species.
“I know who you are,” J’onn says, not one to mince words.
“I know,” Bruce lets his voice drop closer to his Batman tempo, “You’re not going to spoil this for me, are you?”
J’onn pauses, his face unreadable as always, “You find this… funny,” he eventually says.
Bruce sighs, “It’s so funny.”
J’onn nods once, “Superman is coming,” he begins to leave, but pauses at the door, “It is funny.”
The martian departs and Bruce knows his secret is safe.
A moment later Superman appears in the doorway, “Hey, B, uh, I mean, uh, Mr. Wayne – or uh, Bruce! Bruce.”
Bruce quirks an eyebrow as his only response.
Superman takes a deep breath, “I was wondering… if we could talk?”
Bruce smiles, “Sure, let's go somewhere private. Like, by your quarters.” Bruce walks past Clark, leading the way to the hallway housing Batman’s and Superman’s rooms, side by side.
Once they arrive at their destination, standing between the two rooms, Clark speaks again, “I wanted to ask you, just to be sure – I think I know the answer, but just in case…” he trails off, looking to Bruce hopefully.
Bruce sighs and walks to the door to Batman’s room. He puts his hand on the bio-scanner which lights up green, allowing him entrance. He turns back to his friend, “You coming in, Clark?”
Superman smiles and follows behind the vigilante.
“You know, you could have just told me,” Clark says once the door shuts behind him, “Like, actually told me, without all the puzzles.”
“You’re an investigative journalist, I knew you’d figure it out.”
Clark rolls his eyes, but then his face grows more serious, “Why do you always insult yourself?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Bruce responds flatly, sitting on his bed.
“Yes, you do,” he insists, “I’ve heard Batman call Bruce Wayne all sorts of horrible things. And I’ve interviewed you, you never have a kind word for Batman. You can’t really hate yourself, right?” Clark’s voice nearly breaks.
“I never said I did,” Bruce disagrees, “Batman, playboy Bruce Wayne. Yeah, I don’t like them. They’re necessary evils –”
“Bruce…” Clark cuts him off.
“But,” Bruce continues, “They’re not me. They’re both performances, neither of them is who I really am.” Bruce meets Clark’s gaze, “I know you can understand, you’re not wholly Superman – bigger than life, superhero – and you're not completely Clark Kent – mild-mannered, bumbling reporter. You’re somewhere in between the two,” Bruce drops the eye contact, “The best parts of each of them.”
He looks back to Clark when he feels the bed dip beside him. Clark looks at him with a shy smile and a cute blush, “So, who are you really, then?”
Bruce steels himself, “You could come over to the manor sometime, have dinner with me. I wouldn’t mind you learning who I am when I'm… just Bruce.”
“Just Bruce,” Clark echoes, with a smile he adds, “Kal.”
“What?”
“It’s my birth name… on Krypton. Kal-El,” Clark rubs the back of his neck, “For when we’re just us… just Bruce and…”
“Kal.” Bruce finishes.
Clark smiles at him, blindingly bright, but Bruce doesn’t dare turn away.
Clark starts to ask, “Can I –”
Bruce cuts him off, “Just kiss me already.”
“I have not heard of this game,” J’onn is saying.
Bruce pauses outside of the mess hall, listening to the current conversation before making his presence known.
“It’s pretty self explanatory, man,” Green Lantern interjects.
“Well, yeah, kinda,” Flash explains, “Someone will pick three famous people. And you just have to pick which one you would marry, which you would fuck, and which one you would kill. Hypothetically.”
“I’m picking first!” Hal announces.
“No superheroes,” Clark demands, “We learned the hard way it’s a very bad idea – and I’m not going through that again.”
“Fine,” Lantern sighs, “Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Robert Downey, Jr., and Bruce Wayne.”
Bruce hears a collective ooh sound off and one hesitant uhh from Clark.
“I would kill Robert, unfortunately; fuck The Rock, to show him I can rock his world,” the room boo’s Hal’s terrible pun, “And marry Brucie for that sweet dough and sweeter sex.”
Bruce should have expected that, to be honest.
Diana speaks next, “Kill Downey, fuck Wayne, marry Johnson.”
Bruce thanks each of Diana’s gods she went into zero detail.
“Let’s see,” Oliver gives his ranking, “I’m definitely marrying Bruce, then I guess, fuck The Rock and kill RDJ.”
Arthur announces his picks to the room in booming voice, “I doubt Robert has the stamina I look for in a partner, so I would kill him. The Rock would be good for one night, I’m sure. And I would marry Bruce Wayne and we would use his vast fortune to save ocean life everywhere. Besides, I have heard of his many sexual exploits and we would be sure to please eachother for many years to come.”
Bruce runs through several breathing exercises to keep his face from flushing bright red.
“What’s your line up, J’onn?” Flash prompts him.
“Kill Dwayne Johnson, fuck Bruce Wayne, marry Robert Downey, Jr.”
“Now, you Supes,” Hal asks.
“Um, kill Dwayne, fuck Robet, marry Bruce,” Clark says very fast.
“Of course you want to marry Brucie…” Hal says with obvious jealousy, “Okay, Flash that just leaves you.”
Bruce really wishes he had just walked away when he realized what the game was. Please, no one chose to kill him, please have Barry be the exception.
“Well,” Barry starts, “First of all, eat the rich and all that.”
Clark mumbles, “Oh, I intend to.”
The room is filled with shocked gasps and one ‘Suuupes’ .
“Did I say that out loud?” Clark adds in a horrified whisper. Bruce can hear the blush coloring Clark’s cheeks.
“Anyway,” Barry continues, “I would kill The Rock, god rest his mighty soul. Fuck RDJ. And marry Brucie just to be his sugar baby.”
Could have been worse, Bruce decides.
“Batman, what is your pick?” J’onn says dilerbertally loudly, despite knowing Bruce heard everything that was said.
Bruce can hear J’onn’s delight being projected into his mind as he turns the corner and enters the mess hall. Bruce thinks back, Damn you. But he can’t help but share in the humor of the situation.
Well, if this will be the last time he can use this joke, Bruce is going to go out swinging.
With everyone’s eyes on him, Bruce makes a show of out thinking it through before declaring, “Marry Robert Downey, Jr., fuck Dwayne Johnson, and kill myself.”
Clark, who has been diligently avoiding looking at Bruce, suddenly stares at him, wide eyed.
“Um, that’s not how the game works,” Barry tries to correct him, “You have to choose for Bruce.”
Bruce says, “Oh, I did,” as he reaches up and pulls off his cowl and then sits back to enjoy the show.
Oliver frankly looks like he is short circuiting, no doubt trying and failing to align his mental image of his terribly stupid friend to match that of his cunning teammate. Barry looks like he could start crying and Hal looks to be about two seconds away from flying into space and never coming back. Arthur, to his credit, looks slightly embarrassed, but is suppressing it well.
“I told you there was more to Bruce than you’d think,” Clark supplies.
Once Diana comes back to herself, a smile graces her features and she says, “I’m glad you have chosen to share this with us.”
Bruce smirks, “Don’t be too glad. As I do have to inform you, your dreams of swindling me for my money through marriage won’t come to fruition. I’m taken.” Bruce gives a level look at his boyfriend.
Flash’s jaw drops open, “You and Supes?”
“Fuck!” Green Lantern exclaims.
One by one everyone gives their congratulations and blessing to the couple, then Diana and J’onn usher their friends out of the room, leaving only Bruce and Clark at the table.
A mischievous smirk works its way onto Bruce’s face, “So, you want to marry me, Kal?”
“Bruce…” Clark wines.
“Okay, okay,” Bruce pretends to relent, “but tell me you’ll make good on your promise to eat the rich.”
"Bruce!"