Chapter Text
Water everywhere.
It was hot. It was all blue and blurred.
A hand grabbed him. Gently, but strong. He was pulled away from under the water, the shower was turned off.
„It‘s way too fucking hot”, somebody said.
The spray of nearly scalding hot water stopped.
No, he would get cold now. It had to be turned on again.
„No,“ he pleaded. „Please.“ Tears were running down his face.
He had begged the Thing too. It had just laughed. And now he was getting cold. The Thing was just waiting for him to get cold. And then it would get him again.
A towel was gently wrapped around him. It was so soft, it hurt.
„I can‘t-“
He couldn‘t speak, there was so much water in him. He was choking on it.
Somebody was saying something.
Billy didn‘t understand.
He couldn‘t see. Everything was blue. He was underwater. He was dead. He had drowned.
He coughed.
„It will get me.“
An arm was wrapped around his shoulder.
„Max, please…I don‘t know…“, somebody said. It was all muffled. There was probably water in his ears, too.
The marine blue around him was the only thing he saw.
Billy tried to breathe, but he couldn‘t, because he had drowned.
He was dead dead dead.
„Billy?“
He knew that voice.
„Billy?“
Eddie.
What was Eddie doing here in the pool with him?
„Eddie?“ he croaked.
„Yes, it‘s me, Billy.“ Eddie sounded soft, calming.
Didn‘t he care that they died? Wasn‘t he angry with Billy?
„Did you also drown?“
He had failed. He had dragged Eddie with him.
Now they were both dead.
“Are we dead, Eddie?”
He hoped they would be buried at the same graveyard. Maybe next to Grace Munson.
Eddie‘s arm tightened around him.
„We’re not dead, sweetheart. We‘re at Steve‘s. In the bathroom. You‘re alive.“
Oh.
Billy blinked.
Slowly his surroundings became clearer. He realized he wasn’t in the water. He stared at the marine blue tiles.
A shiver went down his spine. No, that couldn’t happen. Panic made his heart beat fast against his ribs.
„I‘m getting cold again. Eddie, I can‘t get cold again.“ He didn’t recognize his own voice. Panicked, urgent. Like a little boy. „If I get cold again, it will get me.“
There was another towel wrapped around him.
„Let‘s keep you warm then,” Eddie said, tone softer than the towel.
„Please, I don‘t want it to get me again.“ His pulse hammered in his ears. “The Thing will get me again.”
„It‘s not there, Billy.“ Steve was there too?
Billy looked around. Eddie was sitting next to him, his hair and black pullover were wet.
Steve was standing in the middle of a room with a lot of towels. Wearing his horrendous apron.
„It will never get you again, Billy. El closed the gate to the Upside Down.“ Steve sounded so sure of it.
„So, we‘re … safe?
Safe? Had he ever been safe? There was always a monster lurking in the shadows. It was waiting for him to let his guard down, ready to strike.
He stared at the massive pile of towels in Steve’s arms.
“Can I touch you a bit more?”, Eddie asked.
Billy longed for Eddie’s touch so much everyday it scared him. It was guiding, settling, caring.
“Yes.” Please.
Eddie grabbed a brush and began to brush Billy‘s wet hair. It was that slow, steady rhythm again. „I know it‘s hard to believe that people care. And that you are enough.“ He continued stroking the wet curls. „I nearly lost my mind when Wayne took me in. I thought everything was a trap. Same with Steve.“
It felt like Eddie told him a secret. Steve sat the towels aside and kneeled in front of Billy. He shot him a questioning glance. Billy nodded. Steve’s hands curled into his. They were warm. They were keeping his panic at bay.
„How did you … start believing them?“
It seemed impossible.
„It just happened.“ The brush stopped. Billy made a little noise, asking Eddie to continue.
„It took ages. Sometimes I still doubt everything.“ He continued the steady rhythm. „It‘s worth it though. You‘re worth it, even if you don‘t believe it right now.“
You’re worth it - the words made something warm bloom in his chest. A small flower of longing - no - belonging.
„I‘m a mess.”
Eddie snorted. „I know, Billy.“
“We all are”, Steve offered carefully. Billy’s gaze met Steve’s. His eyes were wide, observing and full of the same heat that spread along Billy’s insides. There were a few golden and green dots in his brown eyes. Billy had never noticed it before.
They seemed too valuable -
„I‘m always scared that my dad is going to hurt the people I lo…like.“
„He won‘t. He will rot in a cell”, Eddie gritted out between his teeth. The strokes were not mirroring his anger, staying grounding and adenced.
„Hopper won‘t let him come back here,“ Steve promised. He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss on the back of Billy‘s hand.
The skin burned a bit where his lips had been. It stayed warm.
„And what about..others? It will come back and take me.“
The Thing. His own anger.
„Then you‘ll defeat them again”, Steve said as if it was obvious.
Billy laughed unbelievingly. „What?“
„You did it already. You can do it again”, Eddie sounded also quite confident.
How could they be so convinced of that?
„What makes you so sure?“, he bit out. Steve’s eyes were still sparkling, hands warm in his. Billy felt his pulse with his thumb. It was the same rhythm as Eddie brushing his hair. Oddly calming.
„I believe in you, Hargrove,” Eddie answered.
“We believe in you, Billy,” Steve repeated.
They fell silent.
He was so broken. They saw how broken he was.
„I don‘t deserve that.“
He was ten years old again and his mother was leaving him behind. He was eighteen years old and his dad had hit his sister. How did they dare to believe in him?
„Jesus, Billy. You deserve it. I believe in that, too.“
The flower of warmth in Billy’s chest dissolved and became fluid, washing along his whole body.
He believed them.
Shit.
„You…will have to repeat that.“ Billy was a selfish, greedy bastard.
„Oh, don‘t worry, we will. Every day.“ Steve Harrington is one stubborn bastard. He smiled at him, eyes glinting with the same belonging which made Billy feel so warm and welcome.
But still-
„What if Susan found an accomplice?“, he blurted out. “They will take Max away.”
„It will work out,” Eddie whispered. He sat the brush aside and pulled Billy into a tight hug. Steve laid his chin on Billy’s wet knee and gripped his hands tighter.
They kept him together, he was still above the water.
Billy swallowed hard. „It‘s just all… too much.“
“What can we do to help you?” Eddie’s shoulder was supporting his whole weight by now.
Magic, Billy thought. A fairy tale.
Huh. And maybe that was it?
„I wanna see The Girl. El.“
I need to know if this is all real.
Steve planted another featherlight kiss on his skin, his time right above his knee cap.
„We’ll call Hopper and figure something out.“
Eddie gently helped Billy down to the living room and sat him on the couch next to Max. Steve went to call Hopper and ask how they should plan their meeting with El.
Max gave him a small nod. She had a piece of pizza in her hand and shoved a plate at Billy.
„I don‘t…“
„You have to eat,“ Max said.
Eddie leaned closer and whispered into his ear „She‘s right. Have some pizza for lunch, sweetheart.“
If the blanket had not been warming him enough, being called sweetheart certainly did help.
When Billy bit into the slice, he realized he had been lying to himself. He was starving. He had no idea how Steve had managed to whip out a fancy Italian pizza while Billy was crying in the shower, but he had done so. It was amazing.
„Are you hurt?“ Max asked.
I’m fucking destroyed not hurt, he thought. Billy was glad his mouth was stuffed full with pizza. He shook his head. She wouldn‘t get it anyway.
„Will said it was very cold, when the Mind Flayer possessed him.“
Maybe she kind of got it.
Will? Billy tried to remember. Steve had tried to fill his gaps on all the Upside Down stuff when he had been staying at Eddie‘s, but to be fair Billy had had a concussion back then. Then he remembered. Will was Byers‘ little brother. Poor kid. At least Billy hadn‘t been a child.
„It feels like you‘re freezing.“ He shrugged. Trying to play it cool.
„We‘ll warm you, Billy boy.“ Eddie had found another plush blanket and wrapped it around Billy.It was warm, cozy and soft. Billy felt like a housewife in a commercial for hot chocolate.
„Max…“
He had to tell her he was sorry. Sorry for letting his dad hurt her.
Max groaned and furrowed her brows - once again- in annoyance. „Shut up, Billy. If you‘re going to say something about how your dad‘s doings are your fault, just shut up. He wants you to think that. He made me think that. He‘s fucking wrong, it‘s all his fault.“
She started to put a whole pizza slice in her mouth. It was disgusting and adorable at the same time.
„And now I‘m done talking about your dad“, she mumbled. Or at least Billy guessed that was what she was saying. It was hard to tell with that much pizza muffling her words.
He made me think that.
Billy had always thought Max just didn‘t like her faggot of a step brother. And sure, it had been hard. Suddenly having a brother, a new „family“. But Billy had never thought how much of it had been his dad‘s influence. Sure, he had been so angry and jealous of her getting special treatment. But he thought Neil just did it, because he liked Max better. Because Billy was a disappointment and Max wasn‘t.
He didn‘t think that maybe it had been also to tear them apart. To make them weak. Whatever. His dad was spending the night behind bars. His dad was far away. At least for now.
„She‘s right, baby.“ Eddie‘s voice dragged him back into reality. „It‘s not your fault.“
Billy ignored Max chuckling at the pet name. Little devil. She definitely would use it against him.
Eddie had sat down next to Billy on the couch. His hair was still damp from Billy‘s shower.
Wait - „Shouldn‘t you be in school, Eddie?“
„I might have skipped after the third period.“ Eddie bit his lip and made the biggest doe eyes Billy has ever seen. Billy wanted to bite these lips himself. He leaned closer.
„Don‘t use your puppy eyes on Billy. He should be annoyed with you, because he‘ll have to help you with catching up.“ Steve snickered. He had gotten rid of the apron Billy spent way too much time fantasizing about and was also chewing on some pizza.
Billy raised his eyebrow. „I will?“
Okay, he might do most of the things Steve would ask him to do, but Harrington didn‘t need to know that.
Steve just smirked like he absolutely knew that already.
Shit. Billy had it bad. For two idiots.
„I‘ve been a bad student, Mister Hargrove,“ Eddie fluted and batted his eyelashes at him.
Fuck, Billy had it really bad.
Max made a belching noise. „Ugh, you‘re…“
… disgusting? …perverted?
Maybe Max had only humored him, saying it was okay that Billy was gay. Maybe the reality of him sitting here with not one, but (for fuck‘s sake) two guys and flirting was too much?
Fuck. He had two boyfriends. Billy couldn‘t even be a faggot in the „normal“ way, he had to overdo it. Queer overload. Billy‘s blood went cold besides the mountain of blankets he was buried in. He put the pizza back on the plate to hide his shaking hands.
„Worse than El and Mike.“ She finished.
Oh.
It wasn‘t the queerness.
It wasn‘t the fact that he had two boyfriends.
It was only the typical couple's things.
The blankets felt warm again.
„Please, you‘re way worse with Lucas“, Steve scoffed.
„Are you?“ Billy perked up. He was a bloodhound when it came to leverage on other people. And he yearned to have some on Max. She had way too much on him already.
Max shot Steve a glare. „We‘re not.“
„You‘re sucking on each other's faces like all the time.“ Steve winked at Billy. “And he calls you ‘honey’.”
Max actually blushed. Ha, honey! Billy wanted to mark this day in his calendar.
Neil got arrested and Max blushed. That was worth the breakdown he had in the shower. He wanted to throw around some confetti.
„And you cannot forbid me from eyefucking my boyfriend“, Eddie stated, playing with a strand of his curls and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Billy.
„Eddie!“, Steve exclaimed. „Max is a child.“
That lovely shade of pink spread along Steve’s face again. He was nearly glowing.
„I‘ll eyefuck you back anytime, Eddie.“ Billy leered back at him.
„BILLY“, Max and Steve screamed both unisono.
„No worries, Steve, I‘ll eyefuck you , too.“ Billy licked his lips. Oh, it felt so good to make the other boy fluster.
The pink went down to Steve’s neck. A beautiful piece of art.
„Can you drive me to the Arcade?“, Max said to Steve with a desperate voice. „I‘d rather have some fun than listening to Eddie‘s and Billy‘s flirting.“
„Yeah, maybe I‘ll give Billy a ride to Hopper‘s as well.“ He gave Billy a kiss on the cheek. „If you feel ready, you can talk to her today.“
Doesn‘t matter, Billy thought. I have to go now or I‘ll go insane.
„I‘m ready,“ he lied.
„It‘s okay, when you‘re not.“ Steve looked right through him apparently.
“I have to go today, I think.”
„You‘re going to visit El? Can I come, too?“ Max asked.
„It‘s…“ Billy stammered.
„I think it‘s better if we wait in the car this time.“ Steve
Billy was sitting in a cabin in the woods. The kitchen was a mess. Dirty dishes were piling up in the sink, there were so many fucking sprinkles on the floor like a whole box had fallen down there. It looked like a rainbow had crashed down there.
The Girl in front of him wore a plaid sweater. Way too big for her. Her brown hair was shoulder length and a bit curly. She looked so utterly normal. She was just a teenage girl. She didn’t look like she was a witch or a fairy or a warrior.
But there was something knowing in her eyes. They reminded Billy of a lake. Peaceful from the outside, unknown depth you could drown in. And at the same time it felt like she saw right into his soul.
Well, she had been there, Billy guessed.
„Hello Billy,“ El said. „Nice to meet you.“
Her voice was kind.
„We already met,” Billy pointed out.
„But only in your mind. Your body wasn‘t your own.“
So it had not been a dream. So she had really been there. It wasn’t some weird afterlife or hell or whatever. It was real life.
He had to ask. „Is it really gone?“
„Yes.“ There was so much confidence in this little word. It held Billy on the surface.
He had to be sure. „Can you just look… inside my head? Please?“
She didn‘t seem to find the request odd. She didn‘t tell him he should know that it is gone. She didn‘t make fun of him. In fact, she appeared to understand him. She seemed to know why he needed it. Because she had been there with him. She had seen.
„Yeah.“
She closed her eyes and something in Billy’s head pulled him with her.
There was a breeze and suddenly Billy was standing on a beach. Sun was shining and the waves crashed to the shore. He could even feel the sand between his toes. He saw seashells lying around. Gulls were screaming in the air. The sky was a mesmerizing blue and it was so warm.
This place felt the same like the belonging he felt earlier with Eddie and Steve. God, it was so fantastic here. He wanted to show this place to Eddie and Steve. And Max was welcome as well.
There was no storm. No cold dark pit. No hidden monster.
Just peace and the ocean.
It was beautiful. Billy wanted to stay here forever. "This place is great, El."
“It’s not a place, Billy.” El took his hand into hers.
“What is it then?”
His brain? His mind? His memories?
It was the beach he used to go to with his mum. Where they ate their secret ice cream. And at the same time it was not. It was different. The ocean was wilder, bluer and the sand weirdly soft underneath his feet.
“It’s you.” The Girl waved her free hand around. “It’s all you.”
Billy looked around. Him?
„Where is the … other monster?“ His rage, his anger. The beast he took control of.
El tilted her head. „Sometimes the sun gets too hot, I think.“
Oh.
Billy snorted. „Okay. It‘s nice here I guess.“
She gave him a brilliant grin. “I think you’re beautiful.”
A lifetime ago Billy would have bitten, screamed or punched.
Now he just laughed.
„Okay?“ El pressed his hand.
Billy breathed in the fresh air one more time. „Okay.“
There was a pull again.
They were back in the kitchen with the rainbow of sprinkles.
Billy exhaled deeply. He could still taste the salt on his tongue.
He didn‘t feel the urge to look across his shoulder or to go take a hot shower even though he was a bit cold, because he was only wearing a shirt in fucking November.
He felt warm.
He belonged.
He didn‘t feel angry.
The rage was still there, somewhere hidden in the sun of his beach, but it was his own and he was its keeper. Everything else was gone.
He was floating. He was in control.
But he knew the feeling wouldn‘t last forever. He needed to be reminded.
„Can you… check my head from time to time?“
El smiled at him. It was a tiny thing that smile. Billy couldn’t help but to smile back. It promised a conspiracy against all the terrible things in the world.
„Only if you bring Max with you next time.“ She pulled out a box of sprinkles from a cupboard. That explained it.
„I can see why she likes you,“ Billy huffed. „But sure.“
„Do you like Eggos?“ El held a plate in front of him. He took it. She put a mountain of whipped cream and sprinkles on hers. Billy wanted to decline her offer first.
But fuck it, he was craving something sweet.
„They are okay.“
She glared at him. „I just discovered how to put sprinkles and whipped cream on them now.“
Which kid didn’t know about sprinkles? Apparently ones out of a fantasy story.
Billy took the plate and bit into the waffle. Sweetness exploded from his mouth right into his brain.
“They are bitchin‘,” El stated.
Billy nearly choked on his waffle and laughter. „Does your … dad know you talk like that?“
„He taught me. By accident.“ She took a big bite of her own waffle.
Billy could only imagine Hopper‘s sour face at that. God, he wanted to watch a documentary on their life together. Or rather a sitcom. He imagined Hopper coming home after work to find his kitchen full of sprinkles. He‘d pay money to see that shit.
„That‘s fucking amazing.”
Fuck it, he was having sprinkles too. He was allowed to eat a rainbow today.
„Fucking amazing,“ El repeated.
Like she was trying the words on her tongue for the first time.
Shit, Billy thought. He wondered how Hopper would react to that.
„You have to eat them with ice cream“, Billy suggested.
„Maybe you can bring some over when you visit me.“
Was she inviting him? What was The Chief going to say when he saw Billy visiting his teenage daughter and bringing ice cream over? Like a fucking creep.
„He won‘t mind,“ El said. „He likes you.“
No, Hopper pitied him. That was different. But Billy didn‘t want to fight about it.
„Is he treating you well?“, he asked.
She nodded. „He‘s not like your Papa. Jim is very nice. He cares.“
Your Papa .
It told a story Billy wasn‘t sure he was allowed to know. But it already told him enough. Enough to know that the girl in front of him knew what it felt like.
He offered something instead. It was a shitty payback for what she had done. What she had shown him.
„Good. If anything about that changes, come see me.“ I‘ll protect you. I‘ll get you away from him.
„Thank you.“ I know.
In the end, Billy cleaned up the sprinkles from the floor. He didn’t want El to get in trouble. He also did the dishes.
El hugged him goodbye. Her tiny frame was surprisingly sturdy.
There was a flash and Billy saw her throwing out her hand and blood flowing from her nose. She had been levitating something. She was dangerous. He should be afraid. But he was tired of being afraid.
He liked her, for God‘s sake.
“You’re a badass,” he told her.
“I already know this word”, she said proudly. "Max taught me that."
Steve had been waiting outside in his car with Max. Billy itched to drive The Camaro again, but he felt too worked up today to drive by himself.
Max had fallen asleep on the passenger‘s seat. She only snored louder when Billy carried her into Steve‘s house. She drooled a bit on his shoulder.. He carefully laid her down on the couch and wrapped his blankets from earlier around her.
He still couldn‘t believe it. She was his sister and she liked him even though he was a queer. She was on his side. He didn't have to push her away all the time.
Tears pricked in his eyes and before he could cry again (because he had been crying way too much the last few days), he went back to the kitchen.
Eddie and Steve were already waiting for him.
„How did it go?“, Eddie asked.
Now he was wearing Harrington’s terrible apron. Which was also hot.
What were they doing to him?
„Apparently I‘m not possessed.“ He couldn’t resist the urge to make fucking jazz hands. Like an idiot.
“Told you. He is a nerd!” Eddie said to Steve.
Billy leaned forward and brushed his lips against Eddie‘s. “Shut up, Munson.”
“Well, you have helped Eddie quite a lot with his studies.” Steve flashed him a smile which probably used to make every girl in school wet their panties. Maybe Billy was one of them, because he felt his ears burn a bit.
“If we continue to do so, I might actually graduate,” Eddie was putting weed in a chocolate dough. Billy silently hoped that Steve had made the brownie dough. He lo - liked Eddie very much, but he didn’t seem like much of a baker.
“If you pay me with weed and sex, I’m happy to help.”
“You’re a slut, Hargrove.” Eddie stuck his tongue at him. Billy was too close. He caught it between his teeth. Eddie’s dark eyes widened in delighted surprise and glittered with mischief.
Steve threw himself on the bar stool next to them, lips curled with amusement.
“If Eddie graduates, I can quit my job at Family Video and we can go somewhere together.”
His mouth snapped shut and panic flashed across his face.
Billy let go of Eddie’s tongue and turned around.
Steve was fiddling with his hands again, face full of fear. Billy put his hand to stop Steve’s to stop his fingers from twitching and picking at his nails. The skin there was already red and irritated.
Eddie leaned back. His facial expression was mirroring Steve’s and Billy wondered if had the same look on his own.
“Do you mean that?” Eddie asked silently.
There was something fragile between them. It felt precious. They circled around it carefully, trying not to break it. One wrong move and everything could fall apart.
It was a drop of bright prospects.
“I mean… we never talked about it. But after all that happened. I… want to leave this place. And I’d like to start somewhere new. Together. Just us three?” His voice was thin and his hand was shaking under Billy’s. He bit on his lip nervously. There was this shade of Harrington’s Red on his face again. And this time, Billy knew, it was also for him. For both of them.
The drop became a puddle. The puddle turned into a lake.
This place - was it Hawkins? Was it Steve's house? Was it Eddie’s fear of not being enough? Was it the memories of the Upside Down? Was it the hole in Billy’s chest? Was it Neil? Was ist The Thing?
Billy felt nauseous with the endless ocean of possibilities suddenly in front of him.
They could leave someday. He could leave .
And he knew this ocean could also be a part of him. Of them. Billy couldn’t find words for the whirlwind of longing, affection, understanding and astonishment inside of him. No trace of the dark pit full of cold shame.
“Max should be allowed to visit anytime”, he said, thinking about the sleeping girl on the couch.
Eddie’s frown turned into a big grin.
Steve stopped picking at his fingers. “Then also the other kids. The Party. Dustin and Lucas would die of jealousy if they don’t get special visitation rights.”
There was so much hope in his voice, it felt like a giant wave was crashing into them and dragging them out in the open sea.
“Whole of Hellfire Club”, Eddie added.
Billy groaned. “Our apartment or trailer or whatever will be a daycare.”
Hell, Billy would live under a bridge, if that meant he could live with Eddie and Steve.
His heart was tumbling in his chest and he felt high in anticipation. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt that way. Did he ever?
“Good thing, I’m the best babysitter.”
Billy kissed Steve’s grin away. It tasted so sweet on his lips.
He was glad he didn’t die. Fuck. For the first time in ages. He wasn’t sure if it worked out. He wasn‘t sure if it lasted that long. But there was a bit of hope and Billy Hargrove was a selfish asshole.
“San Diego is a great place”, he offered carefully. “I only went there a few times when I was a child, but…”
“Isn’t that close to the beach?”, Eddie asked. “I’ve never been to the ocean.” He sounded as giddy with that mixture of hope and longing as Billy felt.
„You‘ll love it“, Steve told him. There was hope in his voice, too.
Billy put his arms around him and breathed in. Steve smelt like home. Eddie hugged Billy from behind, burying his face in Billy‘s neck. He felt Steve‘s hands moving and touching Eddie‘s arms. Billy thought of his own beach. His own ocean. Of the feeling of belonging. He was more than guilt and anger. El had shown him. El believed in him. Max did, too. And if they did, so could he.
And Eddie and Steve…They belonged.
He could imagine Eddie building a sandcastle and Steve coming out of the water. Them skinny dipping together. Putting sunscreen on each other. Getting drunk by a bonfire. He leaned his head against Steve’s. Steve grinned at him. Billy felt Eddie‘s smile against his skin.
„I‘d love to go swimming with you,“ Billy murmured.
„I‘m not a good swimmer,“ Eddie said.
„You‘ll be fine. I swam a lot in Highschool and Billy is a lifeguard.“ Steve‘s breath ghosted along Billy's neck as he spoke. Like a breeze on Billy‘s beach.
„We won‘t let you drown, Munson,“ he promised. Eddie laughed into his neck. His curls fell on Billy’s shoulder. Like a wave in Billy‘s ocean.
It was true.
He would take care of Eddie. And of Steve.
Maybe even himself, for once.
Billy wouldn‘t drown.
He was finally swimming.