Chapter Text
It was nearly two months later before Keith felt he could make use of Yuri's final gift to him. Not only had he been unexpectedly busy with other matters, not only was he uncertain that he was emotionally ready - but his job had provided him with even more uncertainty - and that uncertainty needed to be addressed right away.
Dear Keith,
Let me begin by answering what must be the most obvious and least personal question at this time: Yes, it was me all along. I have been using the guise of Lunatic to ensure true punishment for the guilty for approximately two years now. I have left another, more public farewell note with a signed confession in my office; they will surely find it during their investigation. In it, I have listed the names of everyone Lunatic has executed, including those that had not been found to attribute to Lunatic, as well as the time and date of their demise. It would not do for anyone but myself to be blamed for any of Lunatic's actions.
That was like both the Yuri that Keith knew and the Lunatic that he thought he'd been coming to know. Though Lunatic's killings were justified in his own eyes, Yuri was not a man who would allow anyone to be harmed unjustly. As he had predicted, the note was found quickly - and of course, it kicked off a huge scandal.
However, you are far more to me than a hero, a mere tool of law enforcement. I am writing this letter to you alone, because you deserve more than the most basic of details. You deserve an explanation. You are free to share as much of this as you like, or none of it, with anyone you choose.
Given the magnitude of discovering that Lunatic had been in the midst of the Justice Bureau all along, it couldn't have remained a secret that Yuri and Keith had been romantically involved, or that Lunatic's most recent killings had been connected to him. For once, Ms. Joubert had used her position and influence to keep that part out of the public eye, for which Keith was grateful - but internally, he had to be questioned about what he had known, and when, and why he had done certain things that he had done. It took exhausting days of repeating that he hadn't known a thing, the testimony of several witnesses among the HeroTV staff, recordings acquired from the HeroTV communications channels, and a polygraph test before the Bureau was satisfied. Tiring and miserable as the experience was, Keith didn't resent it. He understood completely. They had to be absolutely certain that he hadn't gone rogue himself, and had no intention of doing so.
Despite our differing morals, Keith, my intention was never to change yours, or to make you doubt your role as a hero. As Sky High, you are a great asset to the city of Sternbild, though I have believed for a long time that the heroes, like the laws, could stand to go further. My intention was only to secure justice for the guilty, nothing more - and neither have you changed my moral beliefs, or caused me to doubt my own role. Those who do wrong must be punished, and punishment must be consistent. This is why I must take my own life, though I know it will cause you further distress. I had determined that those who have hurt you must perish. I had hurt you. Therefore I must perish. It is that simple. Though I prefer to weigh evidence in each individual case, even our flawed legal system recognizes the necessity of equal sentencing for equal crimes.
Again, I am not convinced that the heroes' way is more just than my own - as the method of my own self-inflicted justice may suggest. But I have faith in you - you, Keith Goodman - to determine what is right, and to follow whatever path you come to believe in.
...And while Keith had no intention of following in Lunatic's footsteps and becoming an executioner, he did have many questions he was asking himself, after all that he'd seen and thought and felt. Lunatic had caused him to lose faith in his own judgment, in whether or not he had the moral capacity to be a hero.
All the questioning that he had undergone had given him time to think, and at times had even forced him to find answers, for some of the questions the Justice Bureau were asking were questions he was asking himself. But then again, after they were finished with him and he was cleared to return to duty as Sky High, it occurred to him - there were some questions he was asking himself that the Justice Bureau had never asked at all. They'd asked him about things he'd done, or seen, or said - but they hadn't asked him how he felt about what Lunatic had been doing.
Meanwhile, Keith hadn't seen the other heroes while he was away being questioned - and he was aware that they had all been questioned to some degree too, since they'd all had contact with Yuri over the course of their job - but they all knew now that he and Yuri had been close, at the very least. He didn't doubt that they had more questions, and even those who thought better of asking would probably be sympathetic, trying to help. He kept his distance, training early in the morning or late at night when few others would be present. It was nice that they tried, but in this case, Keith just didn't want any attention drawn to himself, or his mistake, or his loss. Especially while he still wasn't certain that he should go on being a hero.
...But then again, he had nothing else in mind to do. The first time they were called out after his reinstatement, he saved three hostages without thinking. He only remembered his doubts later, when the other heroes and the staff surrounded him, telling him how glad they were to have him back. Ivan pointed out that with Wild Tiger and Barnaby retired and Sky High out of service, Blue Rose had been the only hero remaining from the former top four during the last few weeks, and she was exhausted - and Keith's sudden remorse over that was more pointed than his indecision. And besides, he thought later, lying in his bed and staring up at the ceiling - did it matter to those hostages whether or not he'd mourned the death of someone who had hurt him? Or that he mourned the man who had killed them far more?
The internal struggle Lunatic had planted in him might continue forever, he acknowledged. But no matter the eventual outcome, in the meantime he was still able to save people who were in danger. There was no reason for him not to continue being a hero. He took up his patrols again the next night.
He couldn't help but look for a flicker of blue flame in the distance every time - with anticipation now, not dread.
I imagine it will do no good if I tell you not to doubt, but if you believe only one thing I have ever told you - I love you, Keith. I truly love you, and I have loved you honestly. And therein lies the problem, does it not? Both of us have so much of ourselves that we've hidden away, weak points exposed at last only to one another. As much as I feared my own vulnerability, I feared you becoming vulnerable before me. I am aware that some consider Lunatic frightening, despite my determination that only those who have done wrong should have need to fear him. I will not deny that I have been a dangerous individual, capable of causing great damage through words as well as actions, simply due to an analytical mind and the firm, impersonal demeanor that being a judge requires. And just as the danger rises as one nears the flames, the possibility of damage grows as we grow closer to one another. Tactlessness or even hostility from a stranger might be shrugged off, but no one can hurt you like someone you love, can they?
When it came down to it, Keith didn't regret anything except not understanding sooner. If he had determined who Lunatic was, and that he was so close, surely he could have done something. Surely he could have found a way to resolve the situation that would have prevented at least a few of the killings - and definitely a way to keep Yuri alive. In prison, no doubt, but still alive. He could still have seen Yuri, and talked to Yuri... if Yuri was still willing to talk to him, which he might not have been.
But then again, he'd known all along that Keith was a hero. In a way, Yuri had more to fear from Keith than Keith had to fear from Yuri, but he had still been willing to try, and he had worried for Keith rather than himself. That was enough to tell Keith that Yuri really, truly had loved him.
Even knowing what Yuri had been, and what he had done, Keith still loved him just the same.
I am very sorry for having to inflict this last painful event on you, but I can promise that there will be no more from my hand. It also occurred to me that there was something I might do to give you some measure of peace in the days to follow; however, I have clearly made miscalculations already, and I may be making another to assume that you would find it comforting. It is entirely up to you to act, if you so wish.
Though Keith hadn't been sure at first, the possibility had been raised, and... as the raw pain of Yuri's death began to ease into a long string of empty, unhappy days, Keith couldn't help but remember another time, years ago, when his days had been empty and unhappy. There was someone who had provided him with brief respites, who had welcomed him into her home, despite what she herself was enduring.
I have found the address of a Ms. Jeanette Jacobs, with whom I believe you were once acquainted. Her life seems, from all indications, to have improved considerably since the time you last spoke - but if you're interested, you might ask her for details yourself. I have written her contact information on the back of this paper.
It had taken some time, even after Keith had decided that he did want to get in touch, before he had worked up the courage to call the number Yuri had provided. He'd spent several minutes sitting on the couch, passing the phone and Yuri's note restlessly from hand to hand, and finally dialed.
And her daughter had answered. She had a young daughter, and a husband who loved her, he learned when she came to the phone. And she was incredibly glad to hear from him - she'd been unable to maintain contact after he'd been placed in foster care, thanks to the way the Holtz household had treated their children, and she'd wondered for the rest of her life where he'd wound up.
When she asked what he was doing, if he was happy, Keith didn't know what to say, except that he was happy that he had found her, and to hear that she was happy.
She asked if he would stop by, and he said that he would - but it might take a little while before he found the time. He had some things that he was in the middle of dealing with that required... rather a lot of his attention.
I do hope that finding your Ms. Jeanette will bring you some comfort in the days to come, and I know that John will remain a good companion for you regardless. Though I am gone, you will not be alone.
That had wound up being more true than Yuri had likely expected. Though Keith wasn't sure, considering how easily Yuri had been able to predict his actions up until that point. Possibly, given the manner of delivery he had chosen for his last words to Keith, he had planned something like it all along.
If so, it was the least Keith could do in his memory.
As for me, the last few months with you have been the happiest I have known. This likely does not come as a surprise to you - you saw how I live, and the fact that I had chosen to live in such a way does not make it less difficult. I believed that it was the best I could have hoped for, given the background from which I came. You showed me that my life could be far better, much happier, and for that (and many, many other things, too many to number) I must thank you, Keith.
There was an amount of irony, to be sure. Yuri's mother had been one of the factors that had made his life so difficult. But when things had calmed down, when he'd regained some of his emotional equilibrium, Keith had asked after her - where had she gone, how was she doing? He owed her a great debt for keeping Yuri's letter safe for him. The news that she had nowhere to go was not so surprising, but learning that she had been placed in a home... It may also not have been so surprising, but the tightness in Keith's chest when he confirmed it was unexpected.
Seeing her sitting motionless and dejected and gazing out a window, surrounded by more elderly patients who seemed not to notice their surroundings, had made his chest grow tighter still. Her face had brightened immediately upon his murmur of her name, looking up to see his face. "Keith... How nice of you to come by and visit me."
Mrs. Petrov's condition, it had seemed, was not so severe as most of the residents at the facility, her energy and engagement still mostly intact despite the troubles with her memory, which clearly persisted. "Has my Yuri come with you? It seems like so long since I've seen him..." Her face had fallen somewhat. "Why hasn't my Yuri come to visit me? He used to be such a good boy..."
There had been a tightness in Keith's throat as he tried to find a response. "I... I'm sure he would have come if he could," he'd said finally. "He's just... very busy."
"I suppose he is," Mrs. Petrov had murmured. "Yuri's always been such a hard worker. Even when he was a little boy... It's just that it's so lonely here. No one to talk to, no one to care for... I miss my home. And my... husband... and..."
Keith could see it dawning on her face this time, but unlike the first time, she hadn't grown angry or violent. She'd only started to tremble, and then cry. "...Yuri..." she moaned, covering her face with her hands. "I was so angry with him... I treated him so badly, I couldn't stop blaming him... but he was still my Yuri. Why didn't I realize, until he was gone...? He was still my dear Yuri..."
Seeing her crying over Yuri had made Keith's own shaky composure crumble, and he'd knelt before her chair, taking her hand. Now that the truth about Lunatic had become public knowledge, the two of them were quite possibly the only two people in Sternbild who would still cry for Yuri - and Keith didn't realize how much he'd needed to share his grief until suddenly he was sharing hers, assuring her that it wasn't her fault. That Yuri had understood - though he didn't say so, Keith knew Yuri must have understood, or he wouldn't have subjected himself to her verbal abuse for all those years, when he could have left at any time, or found another way to escape her outbursts.
Such as placing her in a home like that one. After spending some time quietly crying with her, listening to her talk about Yuri, promising he'd come back for another visit after she clung to his hand, Keith had taken a moment to compose himself and wash his face in the restroom before he went to question the staff. Although they agreed that in some senses she was far too cognizant and independent to have been admitted, it had seemed that there was no other choice. She had no known living relatives, with her son now deceased, to assist her; her delusions and mood swings had likely driven away any friends who might have checked in on her. Even if she could have lived alone with all her debilitating conditions and her frequent inability to recognize them, her home had been destroyed. She had no one to turn to, no other options.
His mind had been unable to leave the situation alone that night, or the possible solution that had occurred to him after dinner, as he was taking John for a walk. He'd thought it over for another couple of days, just to make certain that it wasn't a whim or a purely emotional urge... and then he'd showed up again at the home, with a bouquet of flowers and a slightly nervous smile.
She'd been overjoyed to see him again, to have a visitor again, and assured him he would have been welcome anytime even without bringing her gifts. She'd led him to a water fountain under her own power rather than being pushed, so that she could fill a plastic cup with water for the flowers. His smile had grown just a little more anxious, but a little more hopeful as well as he asked if she liked dogs.
"Oh, I love dogs," she'd said brightly as she filled the cup. "When I was a little girl, my family had a Doberman. Some of my friends were afraid of him, he was larger than we were and he barked loudly - but he was never anything but gentle with me, and so obedient..."
And that was when Keith had begun to think that maybe his idea wasn't so far-fetched after all.
A few weeks later, after sitting in on discussions of her available finances - her late husband had been quite wealthy, and Yuri had done well for himself also - Keith was helping to move her and get her settled into an apartment in the same building as his own, furnished for accessibility. Perhaps too much accessibility; allowing her to go out by herself might have been asking for trouble, but she did have a hero watching over her, checking in regularly.
Perhaps more than one. Keith still wasn't sure, but after hearing more of what she said about her husband during her memory lapses, he was starting to think he may have figured out how her husband had made his fortune. It was a disturbing thought, considering what Yuri had said about his father, but Keith couldn't be sure... and at this stage, it hardly mattered. To him, it didn't.
Please don't feel any guilt over my death. I told you many times before that no one is responsible for Lunatic's actions but Lunatic himself. This is merely another of the executions he has deemed necessary. Meanwhile, I am satisfied with the conclusion of the life that I have lived, aside from the unhappiness I have brought to you in this. I only hope that the happiness you shared with Yuri Petrov outweighs the pain caused by Lunatic, and that once this has passed, your life will be as bright and hopeful as the life you showed to me, full of peace and joy.
Though Keith did eventually go to have lunch with Ms. Jeanette, and arranged to see her again, he still stopped in every day to check on Mrs. Petrov, often leaving John there in the morning before he went off to work; although John wasn't trained as a service dog, he was good company, and would no doubt be able to bring Keith to her if they went out and she became too confused to find her way home. She quickly became fond of John, and John of her; and she was always glad to see Keith, generally inviting him to join herself and her husband for some tea when he had a moment. Keith was willing to go along with it, because she was happy. She knew of his job, and encouraged him, because being a hero was something very few people could handle - she said she knew. It was a lot of pressure to be under, it exposed one to so much of the worst the world had to offer - and she was very proud of the heroes and all they managed to do for the city in spite of the challenges.
Sometimes Keith envied her the escape of her scattered memories. But then, if remembering the worst moments meant that he could remember all the good moments as well... perhaps Yuri was right. Perhaps the happiness had outweighed the pain. Perhaps he still believed in hope.
She asked him sometimes how Yuri was doing, and Keith just told her that Yuri was very busy working for the good of the people of Sternbild. "That's good," she would say. "That's just like my Yuri. He should take some time to visit his mother, but I'm glad he's doing well."
With all my love, to you alone, always,
Yuri