Chapter Text
It took me twenty minutes to get to the beach. At this hour, it was empty. There was no one here but me.
Breathing in the frigid air that burned my lungs with every breath that I took, I stood there listening to the sound of the waves caressing the shoreline. The voice recorder was tucked away in the pocket of my jacket, waiting for me to have the courage to listen to Eren’s last words. There was a part of me that didn’t want to listen to the tape inside, just as there would always be a part of me that would never accept Eren’s death.
I never got the chance to say goodbye to him, now I was being forced to do it alone at his favorite place. It wasn’t fair, but I’d known that for a long time.
Tipping my head back, I gazed at the night sky above me. Tonight the stars were brilliant specks of light surrounding a half moon. From here, they looked small, fixed points in the sky that would come as the day ended. But that was only because they were so far away. In reality, they were massive, some even bigger than the sun. Each of them was a promise from a boy that could no longer see them. To me, it didn’t matter that they were burned out, because their light carried on, even after death.
The same could be said for Eren, who was my own star. The only one I wanted to see.
“Here I am,” I told him, even when he couldn’t hear me. “I let you destroy me. I let you break my heart. But…here I am, and I still love you.” I looked down at the silver band that I wore on my ring finger—a promise that now felt as heavy as my heart. I curled my fingers in, nails biting into the flesh of my palm. Once I listened to the tape, it would be over. Everything I’d been with him would come to an end.
I slid out the ear buds I’d tucked into the collar of my shirt. Everything inside of me wanted to throw them into the ocean, to let them sink into the unknown depths, but getting rid of them wouldn’t change anything. Whether or not I listened to the tape, the words on it would remain true. I was completely helpless against it, just as I’d always been. This pain couldn’t be avoided, even if I went the rest of my life pretending that Eren was still alive somewhere out there in the world.
I would never be ready to say goodbye to him, but I wanted to fulfill his last request, so I pushed play on the recorder and waited.
The second I closed my eyes, he breathed out, “Levi,” as though it’d been a while since he last spoke my name. “What did my heart feel like before it came to know yours? That’s a question I ask myself often, but no matter how many years I lived before we met, I cannot remember a life without you in it. How strange love works.” He breathed out, slow. “If you’ve followed my request, then it’s midnight and you’re standing on the beach. I chose this place, because this is where you started to fall in love with me. Do you remember?”
I opened my eyes and looked at the ocean looming in front of me. The water was pitch black at this time of night, appearing both ominous and frightening, but the memory of him sitting next to me in his wheelchair on the day of the bonfire was vivid in my mind. He’d been so beautiful that, even before I realized my feelings, he was all I could see.
I remember…
“Your soul and my soul have known each other long before now, and they’ll come together again at another time,” he continued, his words ones I’d already heard. “Nothing can separate us. Tell me, do you still feel that? Have you been looking for me, waiting for me, because I’m still searching for you. I’ll always be searching for you, Levi.”
I clutched the voice recorder until my knuckles went white, my whole body shaking. There had to be a reason for him to have sent Grisha out here to deliver this tape to me. What did he need me to hear? Why was I standing on the beach in a mixture of snow and sand in the middle of the night? I wanted to know the answers, but what if this was all I got from him?
I wanted there to be more. I needed there to be more.
“I’ve folded one thousand cranes for you,” Eren said, his voice dropping to a whisper in my ears, “and I got my wish. Did you?”
Suddenly, the tape came to a stop with a soft click. Shocked, I lifted the recorder to eye level, because that couldn’t be it. There had to be more to this. What the hell did he mean, “Did I get my wish?” Of course I didn’t. If I did, he would be here with me. I wouldn’t have spent the last four months pining for him, and I wouldn’t be standing here right now feeling like my heart was breaking anew.
How was this supposed to give me closure?
Anger bubbled up inside of me. Unable to control it, I yanked the cord of the ear buds out of the recorder and hurled them into the ocean. “No,” I bit out through clenched teeth. “You can’t leave me with this! How could you fucking ask if I got my wish? How could you when you know that I didn’t? Goddamnit, Eren. You can’t… Don’t leave me with this.” I sunk to my knees, pressing the heels of my palms to my eyes. This wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out. There was supposed to be something on that tape to make this all okay, to make this ache inside of me subside.
Without the strength to walk back up to the truck, I was stuck sitting there on the beach holding onto a recorder that had provided me with more questions than answers. Both the letter and tape felt incomplete, like there was a hidden message there, but how could I figure it out on my own? What was I missing that he wanted me to see? Thinking back, I mentally went over what he’d said. He’d asked whether or not I’d still be looking for him, waiting for him, and the answer to both of those questions was yes. But what exactly did that mean?
Putting the recorder back into my pocket, I stood up and began to walk along the shoreline, my boots sinking into the wet sand. As I walked, it began to snow, a flurry of tiny snowflakes that fell to the ground fast enough to color the beach white. It was a beautiful night, but I ached for summer. I ached for arms that would never hold me, ached for lips that would never kiss me, ached for a smile that I’d never see again. If I could just have one more moment with him, I would tell him everything I’d kept inside for so long.
I stopped and turned to the ocean. Snow clung to my hair and lashes, making me shiver under the layers of clothing I wore, but I didn’t want to go home to the empty house that hadn’t changed since Eren left. Everything was the same, yet I was different. I was so broken by his absence that I no longer recognized myself. People had told me that I would live after Eren’s death, and that was true. Here I was, very much alive, but I’d been hurt so badly that there was no way for me to hold onto the person that I’d been while he was still alive.
“You told me that some of the damage you’d cause would be permanent,” I said, blinking away tears that drifted down my face anyway. “You knew, even back then, that this is how things would turn out, didn’t you? Well, it hurts like hell, and I didn’t get my wish. I didn’t get to keep you, and you didn’t get to keep me.”
From behind me, someone said, “I wouldn’t say that.”
I turned around so fast that I almost fell back. My eyes widened, because standing a few feet in front of me was Eren. My heart jerked to a stop before it picked up twice as fast. It felt like it was trying to escape my chest. This was impossible. I’d finally lost my mind.
“I told you that I got my wish,” he continued, looking unbelievably real under the moonlight. “I also told you that I would always wish for you. From the moment I left this town, I’ve been on my way back to you. It just took me a while.”
His hair had gotten longer. It went past his chin now. And even under the heavy black coat he wore, I could tell that he’d put on weight since the last time I’d seen him. He looked breath taking, gorgeous, and he stood there without any help from an oxygen tank. That’s how I knew this was a dream, some sick way my mind was trying to cope with the loss of him.
“Levi,” he whispered, eyebrows drawing together. “Please say something. I… Am I too late? Petra told me that you were moving, and I don’t expect you to change your plans for me, not again. But I’d like to be a part of your life, even if it’s only as a friend.” I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Then I opened them again, but he was still there. Carefully, he took a step closer to me, holding up his hands as if he were afraid I’d run in the opposite direction. When he was right in front of me, he said, “Being this close to you, and not being able to hold you, kills me. Please talk to me.”
I looked up at him. He was so beautiful. “How are you able to breathe?”
At that, he smiled. He reached down and grabbed my hand. Then he lifted our fingers to his chest, where I could feel the sturdy beat of his heart. “They say that everyone gets a miracle. I got mine in the form of lungs. A few days after I left here, my dad got the call about a donor.” He brought my hand to his lips and kissed each one of my knuckles. “The first person I wanted to tell was you, but I didn’t want to give you false hope. I could’ve died on the operating table, and if I survived that, my body could’ve rejected the new lungs. But, I made it, so here I am. I came the second I was given permission to travel.”
Hurriedly, I took my hand back and slid it under his coat and shirt until I reached his chest. There, I could feel the smooth, lumpy skin that made up a scar. In disbelief, I stood there, as still as a statue. These past four months, I’d pleaded with a God I didn’t believe in to have this miracle happen. I’d begged to have him back. Now, here he was, and I couldn’t believe it. Up until five seconds ago, I’d thought he was dead.
Eren cupped my face and tilted my head back so that we were staring into each other’s eyes. “I love you,” he said. “I never stopped. But if this is too much for you, I’ll understand. We’ll take things slow, if that’s what you need.”
“Moron,” I said, but my voice was so weak that I could barely hear it. “Moron,” I repeated, my body sagging against his. The bones in my legs felt nonexistent at this point. “I love you. I love you so much, and you’re sitting here thinking that I want to take things slow. I just can’t believe this is happening. I thought you were dead. Shit. Give me a second to take this in.”
He laughed as he wrapped his arms around me. “So, you don’t want to be just friends?”
I beat my fists against his chest, softly. “No. God, you’re really here. I keep thinking that I’ll wake up at any second.”
“I know how you feel,” he whispered, holding me tight enough to lift me off my feet.
Remembering something, I leaned back, which was hard because he refused to loosen his hold on me. “Wait a minute. Where have you been this whole time?”
He grinned sheepishly before he buried his face against my neck. “Hiding out at Coach Smith’s house. After you ran into my dad at my old house, we had to change our plans. I was inside when you walked up.”
“So that’s why he wouldn’t put his phone down. He was texting you?”
“Yeah.” He chuckled. “I peeked out through the blinds after I got his text. When I saw you standing there, I wanted to go to you, but I had my mind set on how I wanted this to happen.” Pressing his lips to my jaw, he whispered, “Happy birthday, mon amour.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck, so happy that I started to cry again. And there we were: Two boys standing on the beach in the dead of night, holding onto each other as though our lives depended on it. Snow fell all around us, numbing my fingers, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything except for the boy that was pressing kisses to my forehead.
Stepping back, Eren said, “I’ve missed this.” He stared down at my feet. I was on my tippy toes. “You’re so cute.”
I sniffled. “You ruined the moment.”
“Did I?”
“No. I don’t think anything could ruin this.”
“I think the snow would beg to differ. It’s freezing out here. I’m not sure the better parts of me are working.”
I brushed the hair away from his face. “Want to go home?”
He grinned, pressing his cheek into my palm. “From what I hear, it won’t be home for much longer.”
“It can be. I can stay—”
Shaking his head, he said, “No. You want to leave this town. You’re ready for a new chapter in your life, and I’m not going to stop you.”
“If you think I’d rather leave than be here with you, then you’re wrong.”
“Who said I’d be here?” He lifted an eyebrow in amusement. “Who said that I wouldn’t come with you?”
“You’d come with me?”
“Of course,” he said. “I already talked it out with my dad after Petra told me. All you have to do is confirm that you want me there with you.”
I glared at him. “That’s a given. I want you there.”
“Then it’s settled. Now let’s get out of here. I’m so cold that I can’t feel my feet. I’m also really tired. I haven’t slept for the past three days, because I’ve been so anxious to get here, and now I get to sleep next to you.” Smiling, he added, “I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas gift.”
I took his hand, noticing that he was still wearing the promise ring I’d given him. A flood of butterflies erupted in my stomach at the sight. “Let’s go then.”
“Wait,” he said. When I turned back to him, he stepped up to me, leaning down to press his lips to mine. He smiled against my lips. “Okay, now we can go. Will you carry me to the truck?”
Without hesitation, I picked him up. “I’d carry you anywhere you’d want to go.”
“I just want to go where you go.”