Chapter Text
He’s at the beach again, and by now it’s no surprise that Tsukasa is with him.
They’re sitting side by side in silence, Rui afraid of what he might say if he tries to speak, his subconscious unable to craft any comforting words for Tsukasa to say. And he hates it, this silence, because it only serves as a taunt, a way to keep shoving it in Rui’s face that he doesn’t know how to talk to Tsukasa without making it awkward after their practice earlier.
Rui hates the taunting.
The ocean is still tonight too, which is unsettling. There’s no wind in his ears, no shuffle in the sand. It’s pointless to sit here like this. I should really just wake up-
“Hey, Rui?”
He startles in spite of Tsukasa’s hushed tone. “Yes?”
“Do you ever just want to keep something so bad… you’re afraid you’ll chase it away?”
And well. Shit. His subconscious is done taunting, instead opting to slap him directly in the face.
Tsukasa, oblivious to his stunned silence, continues. “Like… like I’ve spent my entire life trying to chase after what I want, you know? And I’ve always thought that it would bring me closer, but…” He pauses, still watching the sea rather than Rui. “I guess I never considered that maybe chasing the things I want would make them… run away.” He shrugs. “Not that it makes any sense-”
“No,” Rui cuts him off, and Tsukasa falls quiet. “It does. It makes sense, I. I get it.”
Tsukasa turns to look at him, and Rui’s afraid of meeting his gaze because what if all he sees is a mirror?
“Do you want to practice?”
“...Huh?”
Tsukasa stands, brushing off sand that never really hits the ground. “Do you wanna try that last scene again?” And he holds his hand out to Rui, looking a little unsure of himself, a little doubtful that Rui will accept it.
Rui only stares at his hand for a heartbeat before taking it in his own, letting Tsukasa pull him up so they’re both standing in this off-kilter dream beach of his. And he isn’t sure where to start until he notices the way Tsukasa is looking at him, not even a foot away, expecting. He clears his throat.
“The dragon is slain, my prince. The people rejoice, all for you.”
And Tsukasa, much more confident in Rui’s mind, grins. “All for the both of us. I could not have done it without the spell you cast on my sword. How can I ever thank you?”
“I have an idea,” Rui all but whispers, reaching out to cross the small space between them and gently pull Tsukasa towards him. The blond’s breath hitches in his throat, hands reaching up to grasp Rui’s arms.
Neither boy moves, simply staring once again, and Rui knows. He knows that not even in his wildest dreams could he imagine himself kissing Tsukasa, imagine Tsukasa kissing him. Even when Tsukasa’s eyes dart down to his lips, even when he leans forward, he knows something will happen before their lips connect. Tsukasa will disappear again, or fall through his fingertips, or the sand will swallow them both whole because all of those options feel more realistic, more plausible than whatever kissing Tsukasa would feel like.
Tsukasa slides one hand up to brush softly against Rui’s cheek, fingertips ghosting across his skin in a way that seems too real for a dream. They finally still near his earlobe, and he rests his palm against the side of Rui’s face, cupping his skin like it’s made of glass, pulling him closer ever so gently, and Rui can tell the boy is nervous when he sets his own free hand against Tsukasa’s chest, feels his racing heartbeat, but it’s certainly nothing more than a projection of Rui’s own feelings.
He waits and waits, time moving in slow motion, for something to happen before Tsukasa’s lips meet his own, but.
Nothing happens.
There’s no sudden tsunami, there’s no sinkhole, no disappearance, no alien abduction, no escape, no emergency. Just the soft and jarring touch of Tsukasa’s mouth against his, feather light, as if Tsukasa is afraid Rui will be the one to disappear. And even though Rui’s head is spinning, even though the entire situation is entirely unbelievable, he finds himself kissing Tsukasa back, pushing just the slightest bit, just until he can really feel the outline of Tsukasa’s lips, memorize it to carry it into the real world where he can try to forget it and prove completely unsuccessful.
His eyes must have slipped shut at some point, because he’s opening them when Tsukasa pulls away. And when Rui looks at his face, expecting to see something close to elation or shame, something mirroring his own current emotions, he sees fear.
And when he blinks, Tsukasa is gone.
Rui blinks again. And again. Rubs his eyes, looks around, looks out at the sea. It’s moving now. Tsukasa is nowhere in sight.
And truly. Truly there’s no explanation for why Rui’s subconscious would erase him, for why Tsukasa had looked so scared, like he had messed up somehow. Rui wishes he were still here so he could grab him by the shoulders, shake him, insist that he is not in the wrong because this is Rui’s dream and Rui is the one who kissed him.
But he’s gone.
Tsukasa doesn’t show up to practice that day.
Rui had arrived with Nene to see Emu standing alone, reviewing the blocking for her first few scenes, muttering lines to herself. She had been excited to see them, because apparently she thought they would have an idea of where Tsukasa was. They did not.
The three of them had waited for a few minutes, before deciding to begin practice without their leader when he proved unreachable. Their texts stayed unread, their calls ignored, their ideas all dead ends. By the time their usual practice came to an end, they still hadn’t been able to contact him.
“Okay guys,” Emu says as they gather their things at the front of the stage. “I’m just gonna say it. This is weird!”
“Thank you, Emu,” Nene sighs, patting her shoulder. “We had no idea.”
“I’m serious!” The pink-haired girl says, pushing between her two troupmates as they begin the walk out of the park. “Tsukasa is never late, except for that one time when he got super sick! It’s weird that he didn’t show up and he won’t respond to us.”
“She’s right,” Rui murmurs, almost to himself. “It’s strange.”
He misses the glance the two girls share before Nene looks up at him. “Did anything… happen yesterday?”
Rui blinks. Surely she can’t know about my dream. “Hm?”
“Like during your practice,” Emu clarifies. “Did you say something mean to Tsukasa? Did you hurt his feelings?”
“Why do you think I would hurt his feelings?”
She shrugs. “I dunno, he was acting all weird around you yesterday.”
“Ah, right,” Rui replies, tapping a finger to his chin. “Perhaps it was a result of the change you guys made without asking us first.”
“You said it was fine,” Nene reminds him.
“Yeah, for me. What if Tsukasa lied?”
“Why would Tsukasa lie?” Emu asks. “He li-”
Nene slaps a hand over Emu’s mouth before she can finish. “Likes acting!” She finishes, wide eyes on Emu. “Tsukasa likes acting, so of course he would never turn down a challenge.”
Rui eyes them suspiciously, but says nothing about their behavior as Nene removes her hand. “...Right. Anyway, I’m sure he’ll show up tomorrow with the same vigor he always has and an explanation for today’s absence.”
And even though the two girls nod, he can tell his words do nothing to ease any of their doubt.
Tsukasa does not show up the next day, or the day after that. Three days without their troupe leader, the days to their show ticking down, and still no explanation for his absence.
Emu had managed to contact Saki, but she said her brother had been feeling sick. It didn’t take long for the remaining troupe members to deduce that this was a lie.
Their third day of practice hadn’t really been a practice. They had decided that there was no point in rehearsing when Tsukasa was gone and they were all preoccupied and worried, so they opted instead to get ice cream and sit on a bench in the theme park, watching people walk by as they talked.
“Seriously, what is up with him?” Nene is the first to mutter once they’re seated. “No calls, no texts… There's no way he’s sick. He would’ve told us.”
Emu nods in agreement. “Like I said the other day! Weird.”
And Rui can’t help the growing pit in his stomach. Something had happened three days ago - Tsukasa hadn’t wanted to kiss Rui. He’s definitely avoiding him.
“Rui, you’ve been quiet,” Nene comments, glancing over at him from across a head of pink hair. “Got any ideas?”
What he means to say is Yes, actually. Your script is what caused this whole mess, and we should all go to his house and drag him from his room and promise him we’ll cut the scene out. What comes out is, “I had a dream that we kissed.”
And fuck. Both girls go silent, and when he slowly turns his head to gauge their reactions, Nene’s smirk is a sharp contrast to Emu’s slack jaw.
“Huh?!” Emu splutters. “What?!”
“Good for you,” Nene replies, licking her ice cream lightly. “Not sure how that explains his absence, though.”
“Nene, did you hear him?!” Emu turns to the girl. “He said they kissed!”
“In my dream,” Rui clarifies, watching his own ice cream melt onto his thumb, forlorn. “So it wasn’t real, just my subconscious.”
“Your delusional subconscious,” Nene mutters.
Emu fixes Rui with a look he doesn’t like. “You have to talk to him.”
“I’m not gonna talk to him-”
“Tonight,” Emu insists. “In your dream.”
“He hasn’t appeared in my dreams ever since I kissed him.”
“Then make him appear! It’s your dream!”
“Rui has weird dreams,” Nene supplies rather unhelpfully.
“Tsukasa’s weird,” Emu shrugs, “so he fits, right?”
Nene’s snort of laughter does nothing to help Rui’s case. “Fine. Completely ignoring the fact that my dream Tsukasa is not real and therefore has no connection to the real Tsukasa, if he appears in my dream tonight, then sure,” he decides. “I’ll talk to him. But if he doesn't…” He glances away. “Then we’ll just go to his house or something. Deal?”
“Deal!” Emu speaks for both girls.
Rui’s beach is empty again.
It’s almost odd, now, to sit on the shoreline alone. He had grown used to sharing his dream space with Tsukasa, and without him it feels bare. But this wasn’t unexpected. Of course Rui’s subconscious wouldn’t want to conjure the boy up again after what happened - the guilt has been eating him alive. He wouldn’t be able to handle it.
But. He told Emu he would talk to Tsukasa if he appeared. For her sake, he’ll stay.
For her sake. Not because I’m hoping he might show up. For Emu.
Rui’s not sure how long he’s been waiting for. Time, in dreams, is skewed. What might feel like ten years can be reduced to seconds whenever he wakes, and as of right now, it just feels long.
The waves before him must lap against the shore hundreds, thousands of times before they suddenly still. And without even looking, Rui knows.
“Tsukasa.”
There’s no noise from behind him, and for a split second he doubts that the boy is even there, but then a pair of legs is walking up beside him and Tsukasa is sat next to him. Not a word is spoken.
Rui wouldn’t break the silence if he hadn’t promised Emu he would.
“Um,” he starts, intelligently. Tsukasa glances over at him and the words escape.
Luckily, the other boy catches them. “Sorry I haven’t… showed lately.”
Rui shrugs. “I don’t blame you.”
“...What?”
“I kissed you out of nowhere,” he shrugs, refusing to look away from the sea. “I wasn’t sure if I could properly face you, so. It makes sense, really.”
“No,” Tsukasa says, and there’s so much force behind it that Rui can’t help but glance over. Once their eyes meet, he’s lost. “No, it doesn’t make sense. I kissed you.”
“Because I wanted you to!” Rui replies, feeling a little stupid for arguing with his own mind like this. “I wanted you to kiss me so I made you kiss me and I shouldn’t have done that, I don’t know what I was thinking.” He wants to look away. He wants to look away so badly, but he can’t, he can’t because Tsukasa just looks so confused, and his gaze is gripping Rui like his own personal vice, he feels so guilty.
“You… wanted me to kiss you?”
His voice is soft. He still looks like he can’t quite figure something out, like he’s digging through a pile of puzzle piece for the final border piece, like he’s hoping Rui will have the answer, but he’s so gentle. Rui swallows. Nods once, because twice would be too eager, because once is a confirmation and twice is yes, yes I did and I would like you to do it again, please.
Tsukasa blinks, before glancing down and gently taking Rui’s hand in his own, just like he did all those days ago. And it’s been so long, but Rui’s stomach still swoops when the boy’s thumb glances over the back of his knuckles.
“Rui,” Tsukasa breathes, eyes still fixed on their hands. “Maybe I kissed you because I wanted to.”
Rui shakes his head, trying to dispel this story, desperately reaching for the reins of this dream even though he knows it’s hopeless, he knows he’s too far gone. “But that- That doesn’t make sense. You aren’t real, this.” Their eyes meet again. “This is a dream.”
Tsukasa is chewing on the inside of his lip, thoughtfully, and Rui is trying his very best to ignore it. He takes a deep breath.
“But what if it didn’t have to be a dream?”
Rui thinks his ears are ringing. “...What are you saying?”
“What if I-” A pause. “He. What if he likes you too?”
Rui shakes his head again, harder this time, a disbelieving laugh slipping through his lips. “Nene was right. My subconscious is delusional.”
“Rui, you’re… you’re real, aren’t you?”
And Rui isn’t sure what this means. “I… believe so? Yes?”
“No, like…” Tsukasa looks uncertain. “...You’re not just part of my dream.”
Rui wakes up with a gasp, hair in his mouth, sweat beading at his forehead. It takes a few hazy blinks for him to register that he’s no longer dreaming, and only a second longer for everything to come flooding back to him.
Tsukasa’s dream? No. No, that couldn’t be right, it was Rui’s dream. Tsukasa was just an illusion, a character, a mirage created by his subconscious to deal with his feelings. He wasn’t- isn’t real.
This would make for a wonderful play, Rui thinks weakly, rolling onto his side. If only I could actually direct it.
Inconsistencies aside, he had spoken to Tsukasa. He’ll tell the girls this when they show up for practice tomorrow and Tsukasa still isn’t there - because of course he won’t be, nothing has changed - and they’ll all walk to his house and drag him out of his room and demand he come back to practice so they can actually get something done before the day of their performance. With this in mind, he forces his eyes shut and attempts to fall back asleep.
Plink.
Rui’s eyes fly open.
Plink.
He sits up, in a bit of a daze, glancing around his room to find the source of the noise.
Plink. Plink.
The window.
Rui rushes over to the glass pane, blinking at the darkness outside a few times before he finally finds the reason for the sudden disturbance.
Tsukasa is standing on his lawn, a pile of pebbles in his hand, poised to throw another until he sees Rui’s face through the glass. He grins.
Rui struggles with the latch for a second before finally managing to slide the pane upward and stick his head out. “Tsukasa?!” He whisper-shouts so as to not wake the entire neighborhood.
“Indeed!” Tsukasa replies, voice booming. Rui winces as a light across the street turns on.
“Just- Okay, wait right there. I’m coming down.”
Not caring that he’s still in his pajamas and not wearing shoes, Rui stumbles out of his room and almost slips down the stairs before sailing out his front door and rushing around the side of his house, feet itchy from grass and sticky with mud, heart pounding with confusion. When he reaches Tsukasa, he barely catches himself before running into him head-on.
Tsukasa, still grinning with satisfaction, lets the pebbles fall from his hand. “I stole them from my garden and carried them here. Romantic, right?”
“You… you ran here?” Rui asks, chest heaving.
He’s met with a nod. “As soon as I woke up.”
“As soon as you…” Rui trails off.
“You’re real, aren’t you?”
“You’re not just part of my dream.”
Tsukasa rocks back on his heels, watching Rui.
Something clicks.
“Have we been having the same dreams?”
Tsukasa laughs, and it’s much softer than usual. “Seems like we have!” His laugh peters off as Rui’s jaw gapes. “Is that… okay?”
Rui moves his mouth slowly, brain struggling to comprehend everything. “So… when we kissed…?”
Tsukasa halts his rocking. “Ah- Yeah.”
And that’s all he says, but it’s all Rui needs to lose his mind. “You- You- What?!”
“My thoughts exactly!” Tsukasa says with a thumbs up. “I don’t know how our dreams are connected, but.” He swallows. “We were definitely both… aware.”
Rui pinches his arm. “That doesn’t make sense.”
“None of this does,” Tsukasa shrugs. “The dreams didn’t even make sense when they first started. That’s why Emu was the only one I trusted to believe me-”
“You told Emu?!”
Tsukasa blinks. “Yeah?”
“Shit,” Rui breathes. “I told Nene.”
The boy’s eyes go wide. “God… they’ve probably been conspiring this entire time.”
“They definitely have,” Rui groans, remembering the conversation he shared with the girls earlier. “This is… humiliating.”
“I didn’t know you could get embarrassed,” Tsukasa lilts.
Rui glances at him. “...How are you so calm about all this?”
“I know, I know. Out of character,” Tsukasa hums, playing with the hem of his shirt. “I did panic at first, though. When we kissed and when I woke up.” He shrugs, almost shy in the way he watches Rui’s face. “But I thought… Rui is strange. If he’s messing with my mind, there must be a reason for it, right? And I decided it was probably because.” He pauses to exhale. “Because I think I’ve had a crush on you for quite a long time now.”
Rui’s world tips over. There’s no way Tsukasa has a crush on him, surely he’s still dreaming. Surely this isn’t real, surely Tsukasa knows. He knows Rui is different, Rui is odd, Rui isn’t like everyone else, Rui smothers his feelings down because nobody deserves to be stuck with him, Rui trips over his words when he remembers mid-sentence that people don’t care what he’s talking about, Rui swallows his pride to make other people comfortable, Rui is-
Rui is broken.
But maybe.
Maybe, if anyone could manage to love him for who he really is, for every flaw and imperfection, for everything he is and everything he’s not, it could be Tsukasa. Tsukasa, who is also strange and unpredictable and loud and confident and gives everything his all no matter how pointless it seems and has the purest heart of anyone Rui has ever met. Tsukasa, who could handle Rui’s love.
“So?” Tsukasa suddenly says, looking rather meek. “What do you think?”
Rui’s eyes dart to the ground. “I think you’re insane.”
“Ah,” Tsukasa says, hands falling limp at his sides.
“But I…” Rui trails off, glancing back up. “I like insane.”
Tsukasa’s eyes go wide, lips quirking upward. “You do?”
“Do you have any idea who you’re talking to?”
“Touché.”
They stand there for a moment, silhouettes framed against the paint of Rui’s house, wind whistling between them to accent the silence until Tsukasa breaks it.
“Could we try that kiss again?” He asks quietly. “No running away this time?”
Rui steps closer, slowly bringing his hand up to cup the shorter boy’s face, angling it upward. He brushes a thumb against the corner of his mouth, and he feels so real, nothing like the dream version of Tsukasa, something grounded in reality, something tangible. “No running away this time.”
No running, no disappearing, just Tsukasa’s lips meeting Rui’s, just Rui’s content sigh against Tsukasa’s mouth, just Tsukasa’s hesitant smile.
Just Rui and Tsukasa, the ground beneath their feet, the wind in their hair, their hands on each other.
Rui pulls away first. Tsukasa is still smiling. Rui kisses him again.
Nobody disappears, and Rui has never been happier.