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Peter sighed before answering the phone. "Hey, Wade."
The thing with Wade is that you could never predict why he's calling. He could be dying and in the middle of a bloody and insane fight or just calling to talk about his new bought mug with minions on it ("Man, I just love Bob. He's the cutest little thing. He kind of reminds me of you- No wait! You're more like Kevin. And I'm Stuart. I actually know a Bob so maybe we could form a trio...") The chance of either of those happening is the same.
"Hey, Boo. How you doing? Anything new?" Wade's cheery voice chirped from the other end.
Peter rolled his eyes. "Yeah everything is good. Though Jameson-"
"Great! That's awesome! Hey I was just sitting here and thinking 'Does Peter know how to braid hair?' and y'know how it is, it couldn't leave my head soooo do you by any chance know how to braid hair?"
That's new. Or maybe not. Expecting something unexpected from Deadpool is expected after all.
"Why are you asking?"
"No reason. Just curious."
Peter rubbed his eyes. Yeah suuure. No reason at all.
"I used to braid MJ's hair sometimes, though it was a long time ago-"
"Oh thank god." Wade's voice sounded relieved. "I've been trying to braid Ellie's hair for an hour now. You have to come and help me."
"What- Wade, can't you just not braid her hair? Like do a ponytail or something."
Peter has met Ellie only two times before (as Peter Parker) and both of those times have been really great actually. Ellie is a sweet girl but at the same time he can see so much Wade in her. Maybe the best parts of Wade. Like the way she doesn't fear to speak her mind and stand up for herself, the way she jokes so easily with Wade, the way she rolls her eyes when Peter starts to ramble about, according to her, some 'boring science stuff'.
So, yeah, she's a great kid and all but Peter has a life, alright? Okay, maybe it's not much of a life right now and all that he's been doing for the last week was eat junk food, watch shitty reality shows and patrol BUT that doesn't mean he isn't planning on having a life soon. It's like in his to-do list. After doing laundry and cleaning that weird spot in his bathtub.
Wade whined. "Petey, sweetie, the light of my life, please help me. I'm dying up here."
"You can't die."
"I mean it would be like symbolic if the only thing that could kill me, would be my own daughter." Wade pondered.
"Look, I'm kind of busy right now." Peter said as he was looking at his half-eaten takeout and paused TV screen.
"No, you're not." Is it concerning that Wade knows that? Are they that close? "C'mon, Webs! I'm babysitting Ellie this weekend and we could totally all hang out together! I already told her I'm gonna call you and she will be so disappointed when I tell her you won't come."
Peter grunted. Is he really playing that card?
"God! Fine! I'm going to be there in 20 minutes. Jeez."
"Thanks, Honey-bear! Love you, byeee-"
Peter hang up the phone.
That bastard. He knows Peter loved kids, especially Ellie, and now he's just manipulating him. Wait, is it manipulating if he knows that he's manipulating him? Whatever, it doesn't matter.
Peter grabbed his coat and headed through the door, leaving his unfinished food to go cold.
"Hurry up! She's already given me like four death glares and eleven regular ones!" Wade answered the door with panic and stress on his scared face.
"Hello to you too." Peter rolled his eyes as he entered the apartment.
It was a nice place. At least compared to Wade's other safe houses. Most of them were empty, full of guns and bombs and other weapons he shouldn't leave sitting on the same table he eats. This apartment actually had furniture and it wasn't even ripped or bloody. It actually looked like someone lived here. Maybe this was one of Wade's most frequently used safe houses. Or he just rented this place for Ellie.
If there is one person whose opinion mattered to Wade, it was Ellie.
Peter stopped looking around. "So, where's the disaster?"
"In the bedroom." Wade grabbed his hand and started to pull him to one of the doors. "I swear I'm going crazier than I'm already am. It's easier to fight five fully armed guys with just a toothbrush than braid her fucking hair."
Before Peter could intervene about how he's being dramatic, he was shoved through the door into the bedroom.
The little brown-haired girl was sitting on the bed with a frown, some hair ties stuck in her hair and a phone with some YouTube tutorial lying next to her.
"Hi, Ellie." Peter smiled at her.
"Hi, uncle Peter."
Peter was really trying for the whole uncle thing not to stick but Wade definitely asked Ellie to call him that. They both like messing with him a little too much.
"Yes hi uncle Peter, now please braid her hair before she goes full emo."
"I'm not going emo!"
"One more eye roll and you will. Do you want to borrow my black eyeliner?" Wade teased the frowning girl.
She just crossed her arms and glared. Not in the joking mood, it seems.
Peter sat down behind Ellie and grabbed a hair tie. "It's really not that hard, Wade. You just make three strands and cross them like this." He moved one of the side hair strands in the middle. "And then this." He did the same from the other side. "And then just repeat."
Peter braided her hair while Wade watched with awe.
"I knew I needed to call a scientist."
"No, you needed to call a hairstylist."
"Like you're not. Just look at your magnificent hair!" Wade ruffled Peter's fluffy brown hair with a grin.
Peter rolled his eyes and finished braiding Ellie's hair.
"There. Done."
Ellie looked in the mirror with an unimpressed look.
Hey! He thought he did well!
She turned to Wade. "How many times do I have to tell you? I wanted a French braid."
"What does that even mean?" Wade throwed his hands in the air. "Do you want a croissant as your bow?"
Ellie groaned and put her head in her hands. It looked like this wasn't the first time they were arguing about this.
"It's a type of braid, Wade. It like goes from your front more... Hold on I'm gonna google it." Peter pulled out his phone and searched an image of a French braid and showed it to the merc.
Wade looked at it confused. "That's what you want?" He asked his daughter.
"YES. That's what I want!"
Wade looked at Peter with hope in his eyes. "You know how to braid this, right?"
"Ehh no. I only know the simple stuff."
Wade's eyes widened. "Petey, you were my only hope! Now she's going to murder me in my sleep."
As if on cue Ellie gave him another glare.
"That's really unfortunate. Hey I smell tacos; do you still have some?"
Wade groaned and rolled off the bed with a loud thump.
Ellie rolled her eyes. "You're both useless. Mom knows how to do a French braid."
"Mom knows how to do a French braid." Wade mocked from the floor. "Well, now at least you have the braid part of it. We don't need French. They're mean people, y'know? This one French guy literally stabbed me in my heart because I pronounced canelé wrong."
Peter double backed at that. "Really?"
"Well, I also killed his best friend but I think the pronunciation thing made him angrier."
Ellie stood up from the bed. "Fine, thanks for the braid uncle Peter. There's still some tacos left in the fridge."
The girl walked out of the main bedroom, probably to her own room, leaving the two men alone.
Wade was still laying on the floor, so Peter had the whole bed to lay in a starfish position.
"Soooo you're gonna hang out with us, right? We have the whole weekend!"
Peter would like to pretend he doesn't want to but he does. Wade is probably his best friend at this point and yeah maybe that's a little bit sad. Maybe not. And Ellie is great when she doesn't give you glares every minute.
"Yeah sure. You have any plans on how to cheer her up?"
Wade grinned. "Of course, I do, Sweet cheeks. She's my blood after all."
Peter moved out of the way to not get knocked down by a little running kid. And by his mother trying to catch him. Another win for his fast reflexes.
Wade and Ellie were excitedly bouncing on their feet next to him. The girl's mood immediately went up as soon as they entered the amusement park.
"So, what do you want to do first, Ellie-bear?"
Ellie tapped her chin in thought and looked around the park. Until her eyes lit up with an idea.
"I wanna go to the Avengers ride!"
Wade groaned. "C'mon really? We don't support those guys in this house."
Peter chuckled. "Aren't you like their number one fan or something?"
"That is so last week! I totally hate them now."
"Sorry, it's getting hard to catch up." Peter shared a look with Ellie and they both laughed under their hands.
Wade crossed his arms in defense. "Stop that! I'm being serious and you both are being really insensitive right now."
When Peter and Ellie didn't stop their chuckling, Wade sighed. "Let's just go to that stupid ride. We're not paying though."
Peter managed to calm himself down. "You do know that none of the money that ride makes goes to the actual avengers?"
"We can never be too careful."
"You're paying, Wade." Peter crossed his arms as well, staring the man down.
"I'm not."
"Wade."
Peter stared at the merc.
Wade stared right back.
Ellie found a penny on the ground and whooped to herself, completely ignoring the two men.
Finally Wade slumped down in defeat. "Fiiiiiiine I'll pay for that fucking ride. Let's go Ellie." He grabbed the girl's hand and started to pull her through the crowd of people to the Avengers ride.
Peter smirked to himself and followed the man and the girl. No one would believe him if he said he won a staring contest against a dangerous mercenary and didn't even lost a finger after.
The line to the ride was long. Too long. The trio were standing for almost half an hour and still wasn't even close to the front.
"This is bullshit!" Wade yelled at particularly no one. "We're going to waste our whole day to go on one ride!"
Ellie leaned against Wade, getting a little bit tired of standing. "Maybe we should find another one."
"No."
Peter rose an eyebrow at that. "Is your 'I hate Avengers' phase already over? How long have we been standing here?"
Wade ignored him. "Ellie said she wants to go on this ride and she will go on this ride."
"I don't really want anymore-"
"No. You're going on this ride."
"But daaaad." The girl whined.
Wade patted her head but didn't move from their spot in the line.
For the next ten minutes, they stood in silence. Well, not really. There was so much noise around them. Like the crying baby behind them. Or the screaming boy in front of them. Children, basically.
Peter was beginning to zone out, then Wade grabbed his shoulders and woke him up from his thoughts.
"I have a plan."
"What?" Peter looked at him confused.
"As soon as everyone looks away, grab Ellie and go to the front."
"What are you talking about?"
But Wade didn't stay to answer Peter's question and ran to the side.
Ellie sighed knowingly. "He calls this 'the scream and run'."
"What does-"
Peter was cut off by a scream. A scream of Wade. That immediately made him tense up but something about the scream didn't seem quite right. It was more dramatic, more... drawn out.
He turned to where the sound was coming from and saw Wade laying on the ground, his leg turned in an unnatural position, some blood pooling around him.
Peter would have kept staring if not for Ellie, who tugged his sleeve and motioned to the front of the line. He nodded and they swiftly moved through the mesmerized and panicking people to their goal.
They managed to stand fourth in line and no one even noticed them cutting the line.
Peter looked at Ellie, expecting to see her at least a little bit scared but she just flipped her found penny in her hand.
After a few moments Wade returned to them, he was limping a little bit but other than that his leg seemed fine.
He high fived Ellie with a wide grin.
Peter furrowed his eyebrows. "How often do you do this?"
"Well, I can't do this on every ride cause the security will catch on but I think three times are possible."
"...Right."
Luckily for Wade that conversation was done since it was finally their turn to get on the ride.
Wade payed, staring Peter down aggressively as he did so, and they were off.
The ride was actually amazing. Maybe it's weird seeing your coworkers (are they coworkers? They're not really friends, not enemies. Maybe allies?) face on every corner but it was still fun. The ride was fast when it needed to, told a weird story of Avengers fighting some aliens and got unexpected turns and drops which made all of them scream.
Over all, a great ride. 10/10. Would ride again. Even Wade thought so, completely forgetting about his previous complaining and now animatedly talking with Ellie, who was grinning so hard it looked like it hurt.
Peter chuckled at the sight.
After that they went on more rides, this time choosing the ones with smaller crowds and lines. The secret was avoiding superhero rides and going for the simpler ones like The Jungle Bungle and The Undersea Adventure.
They spent three hours going around the park and trying as many rides as they could. Peter was feeling like a little kid and was happy to excitedly point at some ride they haven't tried yet.
Eventually, they got tired and decided to get something to eat. Wade of course wanted to get some burritos but Ellie really wanted some burgers and that was enough for Wade to change his mind. Though Peter heard him murmur 'untasteful child' under his breath.
The trio found an empty table next to the food booth so they sat down and dug into their burgers. Wade bought fifteen of them, saying he's starving. Of course, he didn't mention to Ellie that Peter is the friendly neighborhood Spider-man and has a fast metabolism and a huge appetite. As much as Peter would like for Ellie to know, she was literally living with a SHIELD agent so it was probably for the best to keep that a secret. For now, at least.
Peter was munching on his fifth burger, when he said, "We should probably head home after we eat. My legs are already killing me."
Wade hummed, his mouth full of food because he just can't eat in small bites and that's actually a problem. Peter has seen him choke on his food like eleven times. Only seven of those times Peter helped him. He's petty sometimes. That is also a problem.
Ellie was slurping her strawberry milkshake, already eaten three burgers and feeling full.
"But I wanted to go on the ponies." She pouted.
"Like the carousel?" Peter asked.
The girl nodded and looked at Wade with puppy eyes. She knew exactly how to get what she wanted and, honestly, Peter respected that.
Wade waved his hand around. "Yeah yeah. We'll go to your ponies."
Ellie grinned and went back to drinking her milkshake.
After they finished their burgers (Ellie stated that they eat like wolves who hadn't had food in months), Peter, Wade and Ellie headed to the carousel. It was already a little bit dark so the lights were turned on and the ponies shined in pink, blue, green and whatever other color there was.
Ellie clapped excitedly and sat down on a blue with white spots pony, while the two men sat down on the nearby bench to watch.
The pony went up and down, making the brown-haired girl giggle.
Wade sighed, his gaze on Ellie. "I wish we could spend our every day like this."
"I don't think taking your kid to an amusement park every day is good parenting, Wade."
Wade huffed. "You know what I mean, asshole."
Peter chuckled.
The carousel started to go a little bit faster, the music changing to a more action-y one.
"I'm sorry."
Wade moved his gaze from Ellie to Peter. "For what?"
"Y'know... For not being able to be with Ellie all the time."
Wade let out a laugh as if what Peter said was ridiculous. "Don't be. I know it's better this way. I would be a terrible father."
"Eh, I think you're doing alright."
Wade blinked at Peter's smiling face. The silence probably meant he's discussing something with his boxes.
After a moment the mercenary just smiled back at the other man, his eyes were glinting with something Peter couldn't quite place. But the merc turned his head to look at Ellie once again, ending that conversation.
The lights on the carousel started to flash and dance across Ellie's hair and face. Her braid was still intact even after so many rides.
Peter meant what he said. Wade might be crazy and dangerous but he was always soft with kids. Even softer with Ellie. And he knew that if he got the chance, he would be the most caring father for her. He already is.
When the carousel stopped spinning, Ellie ran to the two men.
"Are the mighty princess satisfied now?" Wade asked as he gave her a side hug.
"Yes." Ellie replied with an amused smile.
"Correct answer. You just saved yourself from being left here."
Ellie tried to hit Wade on his stomach but was unsuccessful. The man easily blocked her and pinched her arm.
"Honey, your form is terrible. I'll have to give you some fighting lessons."
"That's boring. I want to learn how to shoot with a gun."
Peter's eyes widened but Wade just laughed.
"Sorry no can do."
Ellie pouted at him. "No fair."
Wade rolled his eyes. "I'll buy you a water gun for your birthday, deal?"
"You said you will buy me a bouncy house for my birthday."
"Did I?"
"You did." Ellie nodded her head.
"I was probably drunk- Fine, I'll buy you a bouncy house and a water gun."
The girl flashed a grin which really reminded Peter of Wade. "Deal."
They shook hands like some business partners.
Peter watched the whole interaction from the side and wasn't sure what to think of it. Is this what having a kid is like? Making deals and shaking hands?
They started to head towards Wade's car. Wade and Ellie were still talking about something but Peter zoned out a little. Just watching the lights, hearing people scream in roller coasters and smelling the overpriced junk food.
He was brought back by a harsh nudge on his side. Peter glared at Wade.
Wade wasn't bothered by the stare. "The Lion King or Finding Nemo?"
"The Lion King. Why?"
"We were deciding on a movie to watch and these were our final options. And y'know guest should decide and yada yada."
Peter blinked. "I thought I would head home?"
Ellie hugged his leg. "Noo don't go uncle Peter. We have to watch The Lion King!"
Wade gave him a look which said 'you don't have to' but Peter just chuckled. Seems this calls for a sleepover.
"Alright then. But I'm not sleeping on the floor."
"Don't worry, sweetie. I would never let you sleep on the floor." Wade cooed.
"Not your bed either."
Wade groaned. "Come on! I thought we were bonding!"
Wade throwed himself between Peter and Ellie on the yellow sofa. Both of them groaned and tried to push Wade away from themselves. But the sofa was too small for that and they all ended up cuddled up together. Wade offered some popcorn as a peace offering and that ended the unhappy noises from Ellie and Peter.
Watching the Lion King went as you would expect - a lot of singing out of tune, crying while shoving your face with popcorn and laughing at Wade's weird commentary.
Over all, time moved fast and without even realizing it, they were finished with the movie. Peter turned to look at the clock - 9 pm.
Wade dusted some popcorn bits from his pants. "Alright, it's your bedtime, Elluscious."
"I don't want to sleep!" Ellie was cuddled up with a pillow and was looking at the man with a frown on her face.
Wade pouted mockingly. "Aww really? I'm so sowy for you."
"Stop it!"
"Poor baby doesn't want to sleep. Whatever will we do?"
Ellie throwed a pillow right at Wade's face. Peter snorted. That's one way to shut him up.
Wade throwed the pillow back at her, also hitting her face. "Good shot! That's Wilson genetics, ya know. I can tell you all about it tomorrow after you go to sleep."
"No!"
"Just remember - Santa Claus is always watching and you wouldn't want to be on the naughty list. Believe me, I know. I think I'm breaking records."
Ellie huffed shaking her head. "Santa Claus doesn't care if I sleep."
"Of course he does! Petey, tell her."
Peter rubbed the back of his head. "Santa Claus cares if you sleep... Probably?"
Wade slapped his forehead. "You're so not helping."
"You caught me off guard!"
Wade turned his attention back on Ellie. "Ellie sweetie look out of the window. It's dark and we are all veeery tired and it's time to go to sleep."
Ellie crossed her arms. "But you won't go to sleep."
"Whaaat?" Wade mockingly grabbed his chest. "Of course I will, honey. Honestly, I'm barely keeping my eyes open right now. Just look at uncle Peter. His eyebags could carry our groceries!"
"He always looks like that."
"Hey!"
Wade waved a hand at Peter. "Shush, we're having a conversation here."
Peter rolled his eyes. "More like a pointless argument. Just let me."
Wade stared at him unimpressed for a minute. Peter kept up the eye contact with a raised eyebrow.
Finally, Wade dramatically moved out of the way, giving Peter the space to sit down next to the girl.
"Did you know that sleeping improves your memory?" Peter started, earning an eyeroll from Wade. "Sleep also helps to have a healthier heart because while sleeping our heart rate goes down and gives our heart a rest. And better sleep gives the potential to live longer."
Ellie blinked. "Like dad?"
Wade snorted.
"Ehh well no. Reaching immortality is a bit harder than just sleeping well."
Ellie hmphed and sighed. "Fine, I'll go to sleep."
"Great. Why don't you go brush your teeth?"
The girl nodded and headed for the bathroom.
Peter turned to Wade with a smirk. Wade looked at him back with a flat expression.
"I can't believe your science bullshit worked. She's definitely listened to you just to mess with me."
"Sure, Wade." Peter's smirk grew wider.
After ten minutes Ellie brushed her teeth and was ready for bed. She had quite a few of plushies surrounding her. Peter wasn't sure if they were hers or were they Wades. Well, the Spider-man plushie was definitely his.
Wade tucked the girl in and gave her a kiss on the forehead, while Peter watched from the doorway.
"Goodnight. Dream of me ruling the world. It might open an alternative dimension."
"Wait." Ellie stopped him from turning off the light. "Can you read me a bedtime story?"
"Sorry I don't have any books here. Or anywhere really. Reading is for the weak!"
"Wade, no." Peter glared at him and turned to Ellie. "He didn't even finish high school so you shouldn't take any academic advice from him."
"Actually, he's right."
Peter looked at Wade with a confused expression. Their arguments never end like that.
Wade smiled innocently. "Uncle Peter is a really smart guy so if you ever and I mean ever need help with homework and projects make sure to call him. He'll always help you, right Pete?"
Ah there it is.
Great, what better to do than fifth grade math.
"Of course." He said flatly.
Ellie looked between the two men. "Okay... Can we go back to you telling me a story?"
"Jeez fine. Here. There once lived a beautiful princess and she could talk to beetles because they're underrated and no one talks to them. And with them she killed the evil king, he was really cruel and stuff, like he tortured people and didn't respect costumer service. So, the princess took over the kingdom and named it The Beetle Kingdom and it was really great and everyone lived happily ever after. The end."
"This story sucks."
"Life sucks. Goodniiiiiight." Wade ran out of the door before Ellie could complain.
Peter sighed. "Next time I'll bring a book. 'Night, Ellie."
"Goodnight, uncle Peter."
Peter turned off the light and carefully closed the door. He was never the person who wanted a family and kids but moments like these made him question his future. Could he ever have something like this? He couldn't even manage to convince MJ to stay...
"I'm ordering some tacos. You want some?" Wade asked from the sofa with a phone in his hand.
"We ate like 3 hours ago."
"Okayyy so you don't want anything?"
"I didn't say that."
"I'll get you your usual."
"...Thanks."
Wade made the 'taking your hat off' gesture and started telling their orders into the phone.
Peter sat down next to Wade and decided to flip through the channels. He settled on some adventure movie. It was one of those 'going into the jungle with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson' movies.
They only needed to wait for 25 minutes until their food arrived. The two vigilantes happily chewed their tacos while finishing the movie. They tried to be quiet since Ellie was sleeping but that's kind of hard with Wade.
"I think I'm gonna buy a horse."
Peter raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Where would you even put it?"
Wade shrugged. "I could make one of my safe houses into a barn. OH I would name him Deadhorse! Ya know how Batman has a Batmobile so I would have a Deadhorse... Oh wait you don't know Batman. He's a cool guy. I'm still waiting for our Marvel/DC crossover. Heh he would hate me."
Peter had no idea what Wade was babbling about so he decided to come back to his first sentence.
"You do realize that all of your safe houses in New York are in flats? You can't make a barn on eight floors."
"It would just need a little renovation. Some hay, some water, some whatever else a horse needs. I would definitely get him a costume. He would be the coolest horse in the world! Maybe I could even get some armor like in medieval times... Oh em gee Petey I could become a knight!" Wade talked with enthusiasm. It was hard to keep a conversation with him when he got like this.
"What- Wade you can't get a horse if you can't take care of it."
Could Peter get paid for being the logical voice for Wade? It really would be a win-win situation since Wade's actual voices aren't really doing their job.
"I would love that horse with my whole heart."
Peter gave him an unimpressed look. "I'm sure." He said sarcastically.
"Hey! I would!"
"You would get bored of him in a week and when forget him in your homemade barn for who knows how long."
Wade paused whatever he wanted to say next and blinked at Peter. "Fuck you're right. All of my pets last only a few issues."
Thank God he came to his senses.
"So, you're not buying a horse?"
Wade sighed. "No... It would've been fun though. Ellie would've loved it."
Peter smiled at him. Crisis averted.
"Tho I'm still buying a cow."
"Wade!"
The merc bursted out laughing and Peter rolled his eyes. But he couldn't stop himself from laughing a little too.
He really hoped Wade was actually joking about the cow. Well, the next time they meet he'll have his answer. Though imaging Deadpool riding on a cow was a little bit funny.
That's basically how the rest of their evening (night?) went. Peter listening to Wade's life plans which they both knew were fake or just fantastical, making fun of whatever was on TV and Peter complaining about work while Wade listing the perks of being a mercenary (the main one would be money which Peter so desperately needs).
Peter loved it.
Peter woke up face down on Wade's sofa. He kind of expected for Wade to be there but he was alone.
He opened his eyes and squinted, trying to get used to the light. There was a faint sound of talking from the kitchen. Peter focused more and realized it was Wade talking on the phone.
Just as Peter started to stretch, Wade walked into the living room, a cup of coffee in his hand. He set it down on the table right next to Peter.
The sleepy man just hummed in approval and grabbed the cup.
"Hey so I have to meet this contact real quick. Do you mind watching Ellie for a little while? It should take like two hours."
Wade sat down on the armchair so he could face Peter.
Peter sipped on his coffee. Hmmm. Just how he likes it.
"What kind of contact?" He asked with suspicion in his voice. Wade was never a big liar but he often said half-truths.
"I need to drop off something for them."
"Can you stop being so vague about this and just tell me what is this about?"
Wade let out a sigh. "I swear it's nothing bad! You know I don't do the whole unaliving thing anymore!"
"You can say killing."
"Look it was more like a steal-a-document-from-an-evil-man thing. And I know he's evil, alright? I did my research. The plan was that I deliver it for her tomorrow but the client just called and said she needs it today and I usually don't dance around people, bad for reputation, y’know? But she's in a really bad situation and she has a little kid and I'm pretty sure her husband left her-"
"Alright alright I believe you." Peter waved with his half empty mug in the air. "Just don't take too long. I'm not a babysitter."
Wade grinned and stood up from his chair. "Thanks, my sweet tomato-"
"What is even that nickname?"
"Look give me some credit. I already used like a hundred of them and it's getting hard to come up with reasonable ones. Once you ran out of honeys and sugars you go to vegetables."
"Just- Just go get your costume."
"You're the boss!" Wade did finger guns and went into his room.
When Wade walked out with his full Deadpool costume on, Peter already found some cereal to eat in the kitchen. He glanced up at Wade, seeing his costume was not a weird thing for him but he always felt a little bit disappointed not being able to see his face. He wondered if Wade felt the same about Spider-man's mask.
"Okay I'm heading out. I would say to not do anything stupid but that's your line."
"Don't do anything stupid?"
"I probably will but I swear I'll try not to!"
Wade opened the door and was about to leave when Peter stopped him.
"Wait! What am I supposed to say to Ellie? That you went to get some groceries or something?"
Wade leaned against the door sideways. "She's a smart kid and she knows me so you should probably just tell her I'm working."
"But how much-"
"I'm sure you'll figure it out with your big genius nerd brain and I have to go now."
"Wait-"
"~I love you and see you lateeer~" Wade singsonged and closed the door as fast as he could.
Dickhead.
Maybe if Peter is lucky Ellie won't even wake up and he won't have to explain anything.
Of course, luck is never on Peter's side and after about fifteen minutes after Wade's abrupt leaving, Ellie was up and greedily eating cereal.
"So, where's dad?" The girl asked while not looking really worried that her father is gone.
Peter rubbed his neck. "Uh Deadpool business...?"
Ellie grabbed the cereal box and throwed more of the sweets in her bowl.
"Oooh is he fighting bad guys? He told me he fought some really cool ninjas last week!"
Peter snorted. Yeah right. The only thing they fought last week was a crazy old guy whose life mission was to pee anywhere but in the toilet. Yeah, it's been that kind of week.
"Look, I don't know what he's doing and I'm sure he'll gladly tell you when he's back so why don't we watch a movie or something in the meantime?"
"I want to play with dolls."
"Well alright. You can go play with dolls and I-"
"You won't play with me?"
And then she looked at him with the most puppiest of the puppy eyes and- Goddamit!
Peter glanced at the girl awkwardly. "Do I... need to be there?"
Ellie nodded without hesitation. "Of course! Who will be Mr. Jellybean?"
And that's how Peter ended up in Ellie's room surrounded by dolls and plushies, a doll named Mr. Jellybean in one hand and a toy car (which was named pew pew and was quite big, perfect for some dolls to drive to their beach vocation in).
Peter was an only child so playing dolls with a kid was new to him but the experience wasn't terrible. He'll admit at first, he was really hesitant and didn't involve himself much in the playing but the game started to get interesting. Maybe it was Ellie's giant imagination or Peter's need to heal his inner child but the story really drew him in. It got plot twists, betrayals, weird characters and a very unpredictable storytelling.
It reminded him of Wade's stories.
But just as Mr. Jellybean found out he was an alien from a dead world, Deadpool came back home. He immediately went into Ellie's room which meant Peter didn't have time to at least put down the dolls.
"Heyy Ellie-bellie! I brought you something so you wouldn't-"
Peter stared at him with a barbie and her tiny brush in his hand.
Wade stared back, a grin slowly spreading through his face.
"And what do we have here?"
Ellie stood up to hug Wade's leg. "Uncle Peter is playing dolls with me!"
"Ah how nice of you uncle Peter. Are you having fun?" He asked in a tone he would talk to a small child.
Peter put down the toys and crossed his arms. He can't just tell him to go fuck himself with Ellie right there.
"You won't forget this, will you?"
"It's going in my embarrassing Peter folder in my brain. It's my most treasured memories."
"That's great." Peter deadpanned.
"Don't be an asshole, dad. You play dolls with me all the time!" Ellie smiled knowingly and sat down back in her place next to a toy horse.
Wade gasped. "Shhh he's not supposed to know that! Now he won't feel embarrassed! Just look at his adorable pink cheeks! I just want to squeeze them-"
"Please leave my cheeks alone."
"Both of them?"
Peter's glare probably meant yes.
Ellie grabbed the barbie which Peter put down and started to brush her hair. "Do you want to play with us?"
Wade made a show of pretending to think it over. "Which story you playing?"
"Mr. Jellybean's origin story."
"That's a good one!"
He leaned to Peter to whisper. "I helped workshop that one."
So yeah, two grown men and a little girl ended up playing with dolls until 3 pm. and what about it? It was a fulfilling experience, okay? And yes, sometimes Peter thought that other people his age at this hour are going to dinner parties and dancing at clubs but every time he looked at Wade's and Ellie's faces those thoughts disappeared.
And Mr. Jellybean really lived a messed-up life. Peter thought he went through much but at least he wasn't being lied to about his home his whole life and his wife didn't try to murder him. And the thing with his amnestic best friend is a whole other story. This girl had dark imagination for sure.
When Mr. Jellybean found his long-lost parents and killed the candy killer, Ellie's stomach loudly growled. The trio took that as a sign to go eat lunch or dinner or whatever you eat at 3 pm.
After a long fifteen-minute argument they decided to just order some pizza. A neutral option according to Wade.
The food arrived quickly and they happily grabbed their pizzas.
"I feel like you order with such gross toppings just to annoy me." Peter said after glancing at Wade's Frankenstein pizza.
Wade scoffed. "Olives and mango are a great combo!"
Ellie scrunched her nose in disagreement. "Ew why is that even an option?"
"It isn't. Here's a lesson for you, kiddo - money gets you everything."
Peter rolled his eyes.
Ellie took a bite of her peperoni pizza. "Can you give me money so I could ban mangos going anywhere close to a pizza?"
Peter snorted at that and almost chocked on his own pizza slice.
Wade slumped his shoulders disappointed. "Jeez no support in this family."
"You probably don't have enough money for that." Peter added cheerfully.
Ellie laughed and high-fived Peter.
Wade gave them a glare but it wasn't as cold as he wanted to.
"That's it I'm turning on TV."
By 6 pm. Peter realized he should really go home. It was probably enough of avoiding his problems and responsibilities for the day.
And that's exactly what he told Wade. It was not taken very well.
"You can't leave me! Does all of our memories mean nothing to you?"
Great. Wade is going into divorced wife mode. It's really hard to escape that one.
"Wade, stop. We'll probably see each other tomorrow or something."
"You mean at court? I'm not signing those papers!"
Ellie sighed and stood up from the sofa to go to her room. She waved a small goodbye to Peter before closing the door.
Lucky girl.
"Yes you are! Maybe if you listened to me more often and wasn't such a lazy pig, you wouldn't have to!"
Wade gasped. "How dare you! I'm doing my best to keep this family together! It's you who's working all the time!"
"Well someone has to buy you all of those expensive panties." Peter put his arms on his hips.
"Don't bring my amazing taste in panties in this! At least I try to look presentable.
Peter furrowed his eyebrows. "Hey! I look fine!"
Wade rolled his eyes. "Fine, yeah. We all want our husbands to look fine."
"Well not your husband anymore. Divorce papers, remember?"
"Jeez don't sound so happy about it."
"Well I will be happy about it. Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life."
Wade grasped his chest dramatically. "How could you say that you cold-hearted monster! What about our child? Did you even think about how her life will be affected after this?"
"I'm sure it'll be for the better since she won't need to listen to us arguing anymore."
"She needs her parents, Peter!"
"She needs stability!"
Both of them paused for a moment.
Wade pursed his lips. "You know what! Just leave! It'll probably be better for the family that way."
"Fine! I'm leaving!"
"Fine."
"Fine!"
Peter slammed the door. Shit how does Wade always manage to pull him into those weird roleplays. Doing those in front of the villains as a distraction is one thing, doing it on a regular Sunday is another. Still, it's a little bit fun. Just a little bit.
Peter was halfway to his apartment when he remembered something important.
A serious Wade with a gun aimed at his face answered the door.
"I left my phone."
"Oh upsies wait a second I'll get it."