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“Oi! Butcher!”
Billy rolled over from the position he had been laying on, flat on his back where he had been tossing a dirty baseball in the air to sitting with his legs off the side of the bed. He caught sight of of his commanding officer and tilted his head curiously. “Sir?”
“You got a call. Sounds important.”
‘A call from who?’ It wasn’t like he got any calls at all. Hell, he didn’t even get mail. It was as though once he joined the service that his old life ceased to exist. He hadn’t even gotten one letter from Lenny despite the dozens that he had sent. It was as though no matter how many he had sent, pouring his guts out about how basic training had been a real pain in he arse, he still received no answer from his little brother. He had expected something back, and then nothing. He wasn’t upset per say, but confused was perhaps a better word for it.
“Did they say who called?”
His CO raised an eyebrow. “I don’t bloody well know. Get your arse in there and find out for yourself.”
Billy nodded and jumped to his feet before shuffling past his CO and out of the barracks. He glanced around the base, categorizing the sounds around him from the uniform echo of boots hitting the ground as a platoon sped off for their daily run, to the thundering thumps of heavy machinery being moved from one side of the base to another. His legs burned just at the sight of either job only to be painfully reminded it wouldn’t be long before he would be expected back for training and would become as exhausted as the rest of the soldiers who were training around him. No phone call would be considered to be that important.
He jogged over to the barracks at the far corner that had been converted into as much of a media center as they wanted, which wasn’t the best, but it made do while they were on base.
Billy charged in and walked to the reception desk where a woman was talking on two phones at once. He waited patiently for a moment before knocking his knuckles on the desk and the woman looked up, finger pointed to the phone in the back corner of the room.
Billy didn’t hesitate to walk over and pick the phone off the hook, a wicked smile on his face. “Hey, Len. ‘Bout time I heard from ya. See you finally got my letters.”
“Billy?”
Billy frowned, stomach dropping when he heard his mum’s voice. “Mum....thought you were Lenny.” Immediately, the hope drained from him of hearing his brother’s voice. He would much rather have heard from his brother than the indifferent woman who knew what was happening to her sons and didn’t do a damn thing about it.
“Yeah...well, that’s what I wanted to tell you.” Silence greeted Billy’s ears and he tapped his foot impatiently, a knot settling deep in his stomach.
“Just spit it out, would you? I haven’t got all day,” he growled into the phone.
“It’s Lenny, Bill. He’s dead.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As soon as the house was in his sights, Billy pressed harder on the gas than he needed and came within a few meters of speeding his beat up car right into the side of the house. He forced the car into park and slammed his door open, leaving all of his belongings in the passenger seat beside him.
Blood roared in Billy’s ears as he stormed across the yard to the porch. He flung the screen door open before reaching for the knob of the door. He tried it only to find it locked and he pounded his fist against the door until his knuckles began to bruise. He relished in the ache, teeth gritted together as he continued to pound and punch at the door until it swung open to reveal a disheveled looking Connie.
“Billy,” she began.
Billy ignored her and barged past, shoving her hard with his shoulder. He looked around at the living room, expecting to find his father passed out on the couch only to see no sign of him.
“Where is he,” Billy spat as he looked over his shoulder, eyes shooting daggers in his mother’s direction.
Connie shuffled forward, a hand resting on Billy’s shoulder. “Billy—“
Billy shrugged off her hand fiercely and turned to her, eyes narrowed in rage. “Where. The. Fuck. Is. He?”
Connie gulped and shot a sideways glance toward the stairs. She looked back to her son in front of her, tears shinning in her eyes. “He’s grieving.”
“Like hell he is.” Billy turned his back on his mother and headed toward the stairs. He gripped the banister and thundered up two at a time, hoping that his father could hear him coming. He wanted to see the fear in his father’s eyes when he saw Billy approaching.
He continued down the hallway to his and Lenny’s room and turned in when he heard the sound of sniffling from inside. Agitation rose inside of him and he sunk his teeth into his tongue until he could taste blood. His veins bulged from his arms when he flexed them into fists, pure fury surging through him at such a palpable level that Billy wasn’t sure he would be able to stop himself before he killed his father at this rate, not that it wasn’t what the bastard deserved.
Billy stormed into Lenny’s room to find his father sitting on the edge of his bed, hands on his knees as he looked at a picture that Billy could definitely remember being on Lenny’s nightstand. It was a picture of himself and his little brother, smiling at the camera at the single cricket tournament that Billy could remember actually having a good time at. It had been partly because that was Lenny’s first time and had been enthralled with the game, hanging on Billy’s every word as he described the rules and the teams that were playing. A stranger had offered to take that picture of them as their father had been nowhere in sight. To this day it was still one of Billy’s favorite memories that he had shared with Lenny, and one that their father hadn’t tainted until this moment with him holding the picture as though it brought him immense pride.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing,” Billy snarled upon entering.
Sam looked up, eyes wet though no tears had fallen. Surprise momentarily flashed in his eyes before it was replaced with indifference. “What the hell you doing back? Thought you were on base or whatever.”
Billy ignored him, immediately lurching forward and snatching the picture from his father’s hands. He couldn’t stop his eyes from stealing a quick look at the two smiling kids in the picture. A wail threatened to rise from his throat as he thrust the frame facedown on the nightstand and towered over his father.
“What did you do,” Billy spat, breath hot on Sam’s face.
Sam blinked his eyes in confusion. “What are you yammering on about?”
“What. The. Fuck. Did. You. Do?”
“You act like this was me. Lenny was the one who was acting like a right pussy,” Sam muttered offhandedly.
That did it for Billy. He grasped Sam’s shoulders and hauled him up, slamming him against the wall so hard that a frame hung on the wall beside him came crashing down. Shattered glass littered the ground, though Billy couldn’t have cared less at the moment now that he had his father momentarily pinned to the wall.
“What’s gotten into you?” Sam pulled his head from the wall only for Billy to slam him back jarringly. Sam’s head spun as he looked at the kid who had just struck him with agitation clear in his gaze. “What the fuck?”
“This is your fault! Lenny would still be alive if it wasn’t for you! You killed him,” Billy flashed. He slammed Sam back against the wall, enough to rattle his father until he saw a vacant look appear in his eyes. It was strangely cathartic to Billy, yet this wasn’t his endgame. He needed hear his father admit to what he did and what Billy knew had pushed his brother over the edge.
Sam’s eyes narrowed. “He killed himself, ya twat. How is that my fault?”
Billy released his father’s shoulders and shoved his left forearm against his chest to hold him steady. Sam struggled against it until Billy struck his fist across Sam’s face, causing his father to stumble to the side and nearly fell against the nightstand.
Sam straightened and fixed Billy with a savage look. “You little fucker!”
Billy didn’t wait for Sam to retaliate. He surged forward once more and started to beat his fists against Sam’s body, first his face and then his ribs and chest where he new bruises would show. He needed this monster to feel the weight of everything that he had done and pay for it the only way that Billy knew how.
Billy’s fists connected with Sam’s jaw and he stumbled onto Lenny’s bed, coughing as Billy stood over him and continued to pummel him with as many punches as he could physically do. Billy was aware that his knuckles were beginning to ache and he was certain that there was blood on his hands, yet that didn’t slow him down even slightly.
“You did this! You hurt Lenny until he couldn’t bloody well take it anymore. His death is on you!” Billy cracked his fist against Sam’s nose and felt the appendage break thanks to his strike. Sam let out a cry of pain while a flash of pride swelled up inside Billy. He had caused his father that much pain, the same pain that Sam had caused him and Lenny through their entire lives.
Sam attempted to push him off, to kick his legs against Billy’s to momentarily unsteady him. Luckily, Billy’s time in the service had taught him to perfect his form and learn how to stay one step ahead of his enemy. He had spent his entire life seeing how his father fought and now he would be able to return the favor.
Coughing, Sam looked up, his mouth filled with blood. “He killed himself, Billy! He done it after you left. Who’s to say it wasn’t your fault?”
The thought hadn’t even crossed Billy’s mind, though now that his father had said it, a seed of doubt had been planted that he wasn’t able to easily shake.
It couldn’t be his fault, could it? Sure, Lenny had begged him to say and said that he wouldn’t survive, but Billy had thought that Lenny was just being dramatic as he could sometimes be. But, he wouldn’t have taken his own life over it because Billy was there, could he?
“You weren’t here for him. Imagine how that made your brother feel.”
“Shut up! You know nothing!” Billy grabbed at Sam’s throat as his father tried to wriggle free, Billy pressing his full weight against his father’s throat until he began to gag. “You killed him! You weak bastard gave him more than he could handle, and for what? To prove you’re some fucking facade of strength. Give me a break!” Billy took in an expert breath, feeling Sam squirming less and less against his grip and a flash of satisfaction rose inside of him. “You killed Lenny and now I’m going to take pleasure in killing you.”
Sam’s eyes began to bulge from his head as he took in a few feebly gasps that Billy allowed him to take, eyes locked onto him as the light began to dim from his eyes.
“Billy! Stop!”
Billy looked over his shoulder to see the horrified look of his mother standing in the doorway. Her jaw was gaped in shock at what she saw, a dishrag clutched tightly in her hands.
The momentary falter in Billy’s concentration was all it took for Sam to to thrust his bent knee against Billy’s abdomen and knock his son off balance. Billy fought to keep himself steady as Sam lurched for him, grabbing a fistful of Billy’s shirt and slamming him against the floor. Billy tried to scramble back to his feet only for Sam to start dealing blow after blow, his foot striking the soft flesh of Billy’s stomach and back. One particularl blow slammed into his side so hard that Billy was almost certain he had broken a rib. Tears leapt to his eyes as he struggled to keep quiet.
“You like that, you little bitch! You fucking like it,” Sam roared with a horrid cackle of laughter.
Billy managed to lift his head partially and let out a small cry for his mother. She frowned and turned the other way and walked the other way down the hallway.
“Mum,” Billy croaked when Sam kicked the side of his head, forcing him to see stars.
Sam snarled as he reached down and grabbed a handful of Billy’s hair, pulling back so that Billy’s head was forced back to look back at his father. “She’s not going to help you now, boy!”
‘She never did,’ Billy thought bitterly.
Sam released Billy’s hair roughly and gave him one final kick that left Billy coughing, tears rushing to his eyes as he attempted to swallow the pain that was nearly impossible to forget.
Sam panted in exhaustion once he finished, the back of his hand coming up to wipe the sweat from his brow. “Your brother was a poof, a pussy! World would’ve eaten him up. If you ask me, I did him a bloody fucking favor.”
Tears stung in the corners of Billy eyes though he refused to let them fall. All he wanted to do was cry out for his brother, beg for him to come back to him. It was only the realization of how his father would treat him that kept him silent. An image of Lenny with hope filled eyes flashed through Billy’s eyes and he ducked his head down, pain washing over him.
Taking one last look at his son, Sam spat out a mouthful of blood as he stood over Billy. It landed on his brow and Billy had to set his jaw to keep himself from saying something that would only make the situation worse, or giving his father a reason to finish the job.
Grinning, Sam trudged out of the room, favoring his left side as he did so. He slammed the door loudly behind him and only once Billy was certain that he wasn’t about to come back, he peeled himself off the floor and crawled over to Lenny’s bed, an arm loosely wrapped around his middle. Each breath was more painful than the last, solidifying his thought that he had a few broken ribs that he would have to deal with, and those fuckers took forever to heal.
Summoning his rapidly diminishing strength, Billy flopped unceremoniously on Lenny’s bed, wincing as he pulled his knees up to his chest. He managed to bring the back of his hand off to wipe off Sam’s blood from his face, stomach threatening to lurch if he thought about it too much.
Billy turned his head to the side and pressed it into the comforter to muffle his cry of pain. He was usually decent at swallowing the pain and keeping it to himself, no matter how bad it got. However, this time was unlike the usual beatings he had been subjected to over the years, and not just because it wasn’t Lenny he was protecting by taking the beating. No, this was something completely different and yet Billy felt deep down he somehow deserved it.
Lenny was gone and there was no longer a need for Billy to protect anyone.
Billy’s cries were suddenly halted when he took in a deep breath through his nose and smelled the faint scent of the cologne his little brother used lingering on the comforter. It was clear that Connie hadn’t done any cleaning since her youngest had passed, which Billy wasn’t quite surprised by.
He reached forward and managed to snag Lenny’s pillow, pulling it to his face. The scent was strongest there and Billy recalled how many times he had sat with Lenny on this very bed, Lenny hugging the pillow to his face as he cried after another verbal lashing or beating from their father. Billy had just sat with him, cleaned his wounds, and let him vent as much as he needed while he did his best to comfort him. He hadn’t even made any comments when Lenny would blubber like a baby while wanting to grasp Billy’s hand and squeeze it until Billy was sure it would snap.
Billy clung to the pillow for dear life against his chest, enjoying the scent that lingered on it and reminded him of his brother and how much he needed him in his life. That opportunity had been snatched away from him with such ferocity that it reignited the rage that Billy had for his father, the realization that Lenny was gone and never coming back hitting him like a freight train.
Eyes closed tightly, Billy held the pillow and only recognized that he was crying with warm tears were freely flowing down his cheeks. He would never admit it, of course, but Lenny’s death was something that he had never prepared himself for.
“It should’ve been me,” Billy hissed, throat constricting with emotion. “It bloody well should’ve been me the bastard killed!”
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ a soft voice whispered in Billy’s ear. ‘It’s not damn well your fault.’
A sob overwhelmed him as he squeezed the pillow as tightly as possible against his chest, the physical pain beginning to melt into mental pain just as quickly. His muscles flexed in hostility, the rage that pulsed through his body making it harder and harder not to leap to his feet and finish his father off. He was well aware it would get him absolutely nowhere as it never had. It wouldn’t bring his brother back, nor would it get through to his father.
Billy’s chest ached as he continued to sob, nose so clogged that he was barely able to smell Lenny’s cologne on the pillow. “Lenny.....please don’t leave me. Why did you have to leave me?”
‘You left him first,’ Billy’s intrusive thoughts flashed and he was unable to snuff them out. ‘You weren’t here when he needed you. You fucked up and now you have to live with that.’
Billy pulled the pillow even closer to him and lifted his hands to cover his ears. “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up!”
The thoughts roared louder than ever and Billy began to sob harder, the pain of losing Lenny almost too much to handle. Lenny was gone and never coming back, and there was absolutely nothing Billy could do about it.