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🌸🌸🌸
The 26th of January is here. It comes back... Again and again and again.
Every year Taehyung and Jeongguk meet near Namsan tower for dinner.
They"ve been friends for 15 years. Best buddies, partners in crime. One lives in Busan, working in his father-in-law"s construction company, the other is a lawyer in New York.
Two different worlds but they still hang out.
Every year. On the same day, Taehyung comes to Seoul to see his best friend. It"s a tradition that started 7 years ago. They made a promise. They can"t break it.
And now here they are, finally having dinner after a full year.
"How"s Ji-ah?" Jeongguk asks, slicing his steak sloppily. He"s still the same. Good ol" Gukkie.
"She went to Hawaii with her sister," Taehyung murmurs, playing with his salad. "How"s Yeri?"
"Her best friend is getting married. They"re having a bachelorette party as we speak."
Taehyung grunts, recalling his own bachelor party.
"Why are you making weird noises?" Jeongguk asks, devouring the juicy piece of meat. "Did you remember your own party?"
Taehyung nods, eyes fixed on Jeongguk"s dark doe irises.
His eyes. Taehyung can never forget them. Even though it"s been a full year since he last saw him. Jeongguk is still the same. Maybe he is the one who has changed after all.
"You don"t like your salad?"
"No it"s good," Taehyung comments, finally unpinning his gaze form Jeongguk"s face.
"Did you remember the shit that Wooshik pulled off at your party?"
Taehyung can"t forget. "Of course... He thought it"d be funny to book me a room in that hotel and call a stripper.
"Thank god she didn"t come," Jeongguk stares at him. At the expensive suit and the neat haircut. Taehyung wasn"t always like this.."
Once he walked around is oversized T-shirts and beret. His hair was caramel blonde, tousled, and he wore glasses. Jeongguk liked him a little more back then.
Now, his feelings have changed. This friendship sometimes makes him sick. Only because he misses him too much.
And Taehyung... Well, Jeongguk only hopes that the feeling is mutual.
Because if it"s not. His heart will break. But it"s okay... He"s been used to it by now. Every year it"s the same question. The same fear.
Are we still friends?
Or have we become strangers in the night...?
🎶Play as you read: Naked - James Arthur🎶
Taehyung pulls Jeongguk into the same room the latter found him crying 7 years ago on his bachelor party.
He"d just told the stripper to go. He never told anyone. He paid her to say that she never came over.
Jeongguk, his bestman had come to check up on him. He found him drunk on champagne, crying, murmuring things that made his heart break.
"I don"t want to get married!" He sobbed. "I don"t want to go! I don"t want to leave! Why? Why do I have to do this?"
Jeongguk held him, trying to soothe him. Cold feet? Probably, he thought.
"Why did you agree to marry Ji-ah? We thought you were in love, Tae."
"But I am!" Taehyung cried out. "I really am!"
"What? Is there someone else then?"
"Oh, Jeongguk..." Taehyung whispered in his haze, mustering all his courage and shouting,
"I"m in love with you!"
And he then kissed him on the lips for the first time since they had met, demanding him to respond. To tell him something, anything. His soul was on fire, his heart a beating mess, his mind far away from logic and reason.
Jeongguk panicked. He pushed him back. Called him names and left in a hurry.
Tears streamed down his face as he ran on the opposite side of the street.
"What the fuck did you do?" Jeongguk screamed. "Why?"
And then he started walking back home. Tomorrow his best friend was getting married. That"s it. This was just a drunk moment. His beat friend wouldn"t even recall it. Yes... That"s what it was...
Back in the hotel room, Taehyung was broken— on the inside by his own feelings; on the outside by the hand of his father when he dared to say that he wanted to call it off.
Lying on the soft bed, he cried until his tears drenched the mattress.
Jeongguk, I"m sorry... he thought, praying that tomorrow would come faster. He"d get his senses numb and marry the woman his family wanted. Go to the States, be the lawyer they wanted him to be. Get rich by getting emotionally poor.
This fate. It wasn"t written in the stars. It was cruel. Taehyung never wanted anything else than to be loved. Unconditionally, fiercely.
Fire on fire. Truly, desperately, without any reserve.
Taehyung cried for countless minutes until—
The sudden knock on the door forced his tears to stop. Did someone hear Jeongguk cursing him? Or...
When he opened it, his eyes came across the dark doe irises that had a different fate written in them.
Soft, warm, beautiful...
"Jeongguk, I can explain!" He hurried to say but he never did.
Jeongguk stormed in, shut the door loudly and pushed him on the wall. Their lips met for the first time here. Their tongues danced in frenzy. Their clothes came off in desperate moves.
"I hate you!" Jeongguk cried as he marked his neck, sucking on the honey skin with fervor and no restrain. "I hate you so much, Tae!"
Jeongguk cried and died for the second time that night. The first one being when Taehyung announced his engagement. The second one when his best friend claimed him for himself.
They had sex. Desperate, angry, sex. They stood naked in front of the windows and painted the room white.
Again.
And again.
And again...
Their kisses were sloppy, hasty. Soon the sun would rise. The masks would return. The dreams would shatter and happiness would be gone.
7 years. 7 times. All night. You are mine and I am yours.
Now, they are back here. Standing naked opposite to one another. Beautiful, ordinary human bodies aching for a touch.
"I love you, Taehyung says, gulping as he moves to him.
"I hate you," Jeongguk replies moving closer to him. How do you dare say it so easily... he thinks.
He"s scared. Love is a battlefield. You win, you lose, you get hurt... But this time it"s gonna be different.
Every time they meet, Jeongguk asks, "Will you leave her for me?"
Every time Taehyung answers, "I can"t."
He can"t say the words Jeongguk craves to hear.
But here he is, again. He"s giving him all he has. Himself. His precious self. Jeongguk hates him because he loves him too much. Forever. Always.
But it"s not enough. Why is it not enough?
Their lips meet after a year. Their tongues clash. Their bodies touch. It"s not enough.
Their bodies fall back on the mattress. They touch each other like they"ve never touched anyone.
Moans flood the room.
"Jeongguk!" Taehyung cries out his name when he straddles his lap and then he lets himself get claimed by the one whom he loves and hates the most.
They make love. They lose control. They can"t hold themselves.
Jeongguk marks his skin and Taehyung marks his soul. And the young one cries as he lets his best friend claim him. That"s all he wants. To be loved.
He tried to make it clear. Tried and tried. Getting half of him, just ain"t enough.
Jeongguk wants it all. He wants him for himself. He got married to fill the gap. Out of spite. A mistake. He"s not happy. He thought he"d love her. He never did. He knows his wife suspects it. One day, Jeongguk will be less cruel and tell her the truth. Maybe... Maybe not.
"Tae," his forehead touches Taehyung"s. Their chests are heaving. They made a mess. A beautiful and forbidden mess. Jeongguk tries to speak. The words don"t come out.
Yet he tries.
"I love you," Taehyung"s fingers reach for his beautiful cheek, pulling him down into a kiss that is fire on fire.
Jeongguk has nothing else left to give. He gave everything. He"s loved him for so long.
And now...
"Let"s end this..." He finally whispers, tears streaming down his face.
Taehyung sobs with him. He has been expecting it for a long time now. Yet he didn"t want to believe that this was going to be the last time.
"I love you," Jeongguk shouts, crying uncontrollably. "I loved you so much. I gave you everything."
"I know," Taehyung whispers holding him close, so close. They kiss desperately, as always.
This is the last time they"ll see each other, make love, kiss.
Pride, honor, rules.
"I"m so sorry..." Taehyung whispers in his ear, holding him close.
And then he"s left alone. Crying in the same room like 7 years ago.
Jeongguk runs, next to the river. He runs, tears nicking his face. Runs... His legs hurt.
It"s almost 4. And he screams. Screams and curses at him for making him fall deeper. For waiting. For pretending to be something he"s not when all he wants is to be with him.
"I loved you!" He screams at the river. "I fucking loved you, Taehyung!"
And then he disappears into the night, eyes red, and defeated.
I"m not going to wait forever. It"s cruel... So cruel... And it"s over... he thinks and then there"s nothing left but the echoes of a love, carried away by the northern wind...
Jeongguk loved him.
Maybe he still does.
But it"s now over...
🌸🌸🌸
I have been in love with someone else...
I knew...
Im so sorry... I messed it up...
Did you ever love me?
I tried but I could only love him...
I"m leaving, Jeongguk...
I know... I"m so sorry.
Good luck.
🌸🌸🌸
[4 years later - Busan]
Jeongguk never went back to Seoul. He blocked every unknown number. He tried to heal. Getting a divorce was a nightmare. Yeri made it easy, her father not so much. He still holds a grudge and still curses at him when they randomly meet on the street.
The little bell echoes when he unlocks and pushes the door. The smell of flowers floods his nose. He"s sensitive but he got used to it after two years of opening this small flower shop close to the sea.
It"s better than working in construction. This is his dream. At least one of them. Because the other got away.
Jeongguk says he"s fine. His friends believe him. He"s trying. Trying hard to forget. The calls stopped one year ago.
Did Taehyung go back to that hotel in the hope of meeting again? Jeongguk doesn"t know. He never went farther than the bus station two years ago.
He wanted to go. See if he"ll be there. Even if he told him it was over. Did Taehyung really give up?
Does it even matter? Maybe. Maybe not.
Jeongguk makes bouquets now. Lilies and roses. Orchids and peonies. He handles them delicately. His neighbors love him. All they see is a kindhearted boy with a bright smile.
Every day he makes bouquets for someone"s loved one. He wishes he could make one for himself. But there"s no one now. He waited enough. Prayed for years. Stood in front of him naked, bare-faced, true. He wanted to hear it.
He wanted to be loved. He wanted to burn with him but sadly he burnt all alone.
Jeongguk loved him so much, maybe he still does, that he built walls around his heart. He thinks about him during the cold days of winter.
Taehyung... His first love. Wasn"t getting half of him better than nothing?
Jeongguk feels the tears coming. They always do. It"s the 26th of January after all. He"s lonely and alone.
When the little bell echoes, his eyes turn to the door. There"s a woman. He knows her.
"Yeri," his voice breaks a little.
"Hello, Jeongguk," the young woman says, walking towards the counter.
"I"m sorry," he replies, wiping his face to hide the pain. "How are you?"
"I"m good," she smiles. Yeri was angry and hurt. With time she healed. She found someone else. And now— "...eating for two."
Jeongguk"s mouth opens in surprise as he witnesses the swollen belly.
"Oh, congratulations. When is your due date?"
"In two months. It"s a girl. We"ll call her Areum."
"Beautiful," Jeongguk whispers. In another universe, where he wouldn"t be in love with Taehyung, Jeon Areum would be his child. Does he regret it?
He still hasn"t decided. Yeri seems happy. Happier than he"d ever make her.
"Are you okay?" His ex-wife asks, eyes looking worriedly at him.
Jeongguk nods but tears are streaming down his face. Sad, lonely, alone. He wanted everything. He wanted him. Wanted a life. Wanted love.
"Come here," Yeri says, walking to him to hug him tightly. "It"s gonna be okay. In the end, it"ll be okay, Guk."
Jeongguk sobs in the hands of the woman he betrayed.
Today is the 26th of January.
Maybe there"s still time. Time to get there. To see. And if he"s not there. If he never tried then it wasn"t worth it. Then he can heal. Then he can move on.
"Hush now," the woman continues and Jeongguk pulls back slowly.
"I"m so sorry. So sorry. I hurt you. I hurt myself. I hurt us. I"m sorry. So sorry."
"I know," the woman tears up with him. "Call him. If it hurts so much, call him. Get your closure, Guk."
Jeongguk nods repeatedly, searching for his phone, completely missing the sound of the bell as he turns around, rummaging through his bag for the device. He unlocks it, searches through the blocked contacts. He tries. All of them. No answer.
Can he run fast enough to see? Is Taehyung in Seoul right now? Is he lying on the bed they made love for 7 years? Is he crying? Is he waiting?
Jeongguk dials the last number he remembers, fingers trembling.
Pick up! Please...
There"s music coming from behind him.
The little bell is still echoing.
"Jeongguk?" Yeri says, touching his shoulder lightly.
"He"s not answering—" Jeongguk"s voice breaks when he meets her eyes. The music carries on, then stops when the line drops.
"Because he"s here." Yeri murmurs softly, pointing to the door.
Jeongguk can"t breathe. The man in front of him has sucked all the air out of the room.
A mask covers his face but he knows it"s him. Wearing one of those floral shirts he used to wear back in college. His hair is tousled, his ears covered by headphones.
"T-Tae?" His voice is a mix of surprise and sadness, longing and pain.
Slowly, the man removes his headphones. He seems equally surprised. And when the mask is gone, Jeongguk gasps, feeling the knot in his belly getting tighter.
"Jeongguk..." He murmurs, eyes glossy and full of water. The fire... The fire is out. Now there"s only water.
Maybe Jeongguk didn"t want fire. Maybe he was fire himself. Maybe all he wanted was water. To quench his thirst and grow back stronger.
Yeri"s still looking at him. A small smile forms on her face.
"I"ll come by later," she whispers.
Her eyes travel to Taehyung. She hasn"t seen him in years. Yet he looks the same. His eyes are tearing up, pinned on the one she lost due to true love. His true love.
She sighs. She always loved Jeongguk. She still does. It"s a different kind of love. She understands now as she looks at her ex-husband"s face.
True love. Fire that meets water. They cancel each other out. There"s balance. Harmony.
"Y-you are here," Jeongguk listens to the bell again. Yeri is gone. They are alone.
He feels naked in front of him. The tears keep flowing. Bitter or sweet? Or both? He doesn"t know.
"I—" Taehyung tries to say, restraining himself. His fists clench, hurting his flesh. He wants to hug him. He wants to apologize.
He wants... everything.
He wants him.
He still wants him.
Taehyung is standing before him without a mask.
He quit his job, got a divorce, they disowned him, told him never to come back.
He pretended he didn"t want anyone. He tried. But he only needed one. The one who run away.
In four years he came back 4 times. He waited. Calling him. Praying that the door will still be open.
And now he"s here. He came to Busan looking for him. He wandered around. Searched. In his house there now was a blonde man with what seemed to be his grumpy boyfriend. Taehyung gasped. That couple had everything he wanted.
He left. More broken than he was. He wandered around. Went to the beach.
Flowers... Flowers always cheered him up. Jeongguk always had flowers in their dorm room.
And then a small flower shop. Right in front of him.
He crossed the street and walked to the door. And what he saw broke lethe in half.
Jeongguk. His beloved Jeongguk, was inside, in the arms of the woman Taehyung had probably hurt the most. Out of fear. Pride. Family obligation.
Taehyung wanted to go away.
Reason tried to convince him to leave him alone but his heart opened the door, pushing his feet inside. And now he"s here. Free as a bird. Heart racing and breath hitching.
If I can"t have love... Jeongguk thinks.
...If I can"t have you... Taehyung thinks.
I might as well wither... They think.
"I"m so sorry," Taehyung speaks first, breaking down, lethe pouring out of his eyes like waterfalls.
His knees give up. His heart never did.
Always hoping. Hope dies last. She"s locked in a box, you just have to open it and grasp it. Hope... Taehyung can only hope.
"I messed up. I"m so sorry. You didn"t deserve this. You didn"t deserve any of it."
Jeongguk watches him speechless. What does his heart say? Can he listen to it? His mind warns him. He never listened. Not once until he did. And he ran. Away from the man who turned his world upside down. Who loved him but not as much as he wanted.
"I am sorry I didn"t realize," Taehyung continues. "I didn"t realize I had the most beautiful thing. I didn"t realize I had you. I didn"t realize... I"m so sorry. I will leave. Tell me to leave and I will. I will never bother you again. I will let you be. I will take the pain away. Please—"
Taehyung hurts. He thinks he deserves it. This pain. It"s a sign that what they had was real.
"Please, Jeongguk. Say something! Send me away. Curse at me! Yell! Please! Tell me to vanish and I will. I will... I will... For you... I will... My heart—"
"Is where you left it," Jeongguk murmurs, walking towards him. "You always said you left your heart with me. You went away... Ji-ah had your body and I had your heart. Do you want it back, Taehyung?"
Taehyung hides his face. He can"t bear to look.
"Do you want me to give it back to you?" Jeongguk kneels before him, slowly reaching for his hands and repeats. "Do you really want me to give it back to you? If yes, Taehyung, will you give me back mine?"
Taehyung"s eyes meet his. Beautiful dark skies full of stars. The universe. His universe. His one. His only. His flame.
"N-no," he finally murmurs, tears falling on the honey cheeks, nicking the flesh. "It"s yours. It"s always been yours. I still want you. I still— I still love you even though you may not. I still— always! You were my star. My light. I"m so sorry. Forgive me, my star—"
Slowly, the milky fingers cup his cheeks.
"Will you give me everything this time? Will you make me forget? Will we be less scared?"
Hope...
Taehyung nods. "I"m right here. I"m not going to leave. I freed myself. I"m free to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I only want to give—"
Tears. So many tears. Fragments of memories pouring out of our bodies.
Jeongguk stares at him, eyes fixed on his.
"I want everything, Taehyung. I want to burn. I want to be loved and love like I"ve never loved before. Will you give me all of you this time?"
"All I want— is a chance—" Taehyung tries to speak. "I"ll give you everything."
"Then," Jeongguk speaks again, "I"ll give you everything, too."
The young one moves, connecting their lips. It"s soft, longing seeping our of their bodies. The flowers will absorb it and make someone else feel it when they"ll brush their fragile petals.
"I love you," Taehyung lets his forehead touch Jeongguk"s, hands cupping his face ever so softly.
"I never stopped."
Jeongguk smiles in relief for the first time in 4 years.
Does true love even exist? Are we half and half?
Fire and water? Earth and wind?
Are we made for each other? Of each other?
In this lifetime you will find that one person. You may meet randomly. You may be sitting down on the grass, enjoying the sun with a law book lying wide open on your lap. You may be wearing a hat. You may be thinking, will I ever meet someone worth giving my entire self to?
And then... You will see them, walking down the small path that leads to the library. Looking around completely lost. If you stand up and talk to them, you will create a timeline. If not, you"ll create another.
One has pain, the other has ignorance. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. But... What if it"s not enough?
Love is hard. Love is painful. Yet it"s beautiful.
"Hi," Taehyung said, wearing his beautiful beret, holding his huge law book against his chest. "Need help? You seem lost."
"I—" the young boy says shyly. "I really am. Can"t find the registration office."
"Ah, follow me. I"ll get you there," Taehyung smiles, the brightest boxy smile ever, and the young boy bows, blushing a little.
"I"m Kim Taehyung. Second year law student."
The boy smiles. "Jeon Jeongguk, first year Engineering student. Please take good care of me."
Taehyung smiles as he walks next to him.
A timeline. The right one. The one in which they met by chance, fell in love, hurt each other and then mended themselves.
Now, there is just the breeze, swaying their hair back and forth as they walk on the soft sand, hand in hand. Smiling. Blushing. Kissing.
That night they made love, sweet, beautiful love instead of angry, desperate sex. Their bodies became one. Their souls found each other. They stayed together. Forgave. Forgot. And one day they became something more and their little family grew bigger.
Free. Naked. Happy. No masks.
Just simple, ordinary, beautiful, young love...
And this time... it"s enough to last for a lifetime.