Chapter Text
Silence filled the air, Rui was pretty sure that his heartbeat could be heard all over the place. He slowly let go of the boy's hands, albeit he hesitated on doing so. The boy knelt down and sobbed. Blood slowly stains his yellow cardigan further. Many thoughts raced through his mind, how long had he been keeping this from them? Was it since they opened the box he found? Or even later than that?
Rui’s heart sank. His hands were shaking, his mouth was agape, waiting for the words to come out of his mouth. But his throat was tied up. His voice wouldn’t come out even if he tried to force it out. In the corner of his eye, he could see Nene and Emu just staring at them. They didn’t know what to do or were either processing all of the boy’s feelings.
The boy was still on his knees, crying, as blood still came out of his earlier injuries. Thoughts were racing in his head. Memories of himself years prior to becoming Wansho’s director came back, hitting him like a truck. He almost saw himself in the person who knelt in front of him. Before he knew it, he was kneeling down in front of the boy as well. He gently took his injured arm and hovered his fingers over the freshly cut scars in his arms.
The boy froze and slowly looked up at Rui, who seemed to have calmed down. He took some napkins out of his pocket and carefully placed them on the boy’s injuries.
“What are you..? Why?” The boy muttered in disbelief. Rui kept quiet for a few seconds before replying.
“I can’t say I know how you feel, but I’ll lend an ear.” He tightened his grip slightly. “If I were able to offer some words, I sort of see myself in you. I’ve had similar feelings years ago, before we met. Although I never acted upon my impulses, I can’t say that I didn’t have other methods of doing so.”
By this time, Emu had begun to approach the two of them. She sat beside the boy and held his hand gently. Nene hesitated to join them out of fear of making things worse somehow, but she cast her own doubts aside and sat near them.
“Everything will be okay…” Emu spoke softly as she intertwined her finger’s with the boy’s. She seemed to hold back her own tears for some reason. But a few of them managed to slip by and made their way down her cheeks. Slowly hiccups began to arise from her, she began to tremble slightly as she held his hand.
The four of them stayed quiet as Rui tended to the boy’s wounds. Without much to work with, there was only so much Rui could do to treat them. He slowly let go of his arm and held the boy’s pinky finger with his own.
Nene clenched her fists slightly, everyone had been doing something to comfort him but here she was, quiet and almost keeping to herself. Even though she had seen first hand how the boy injured himself, no words came to her mind. Well, nothing else aside from…
“You idiot…” She whispered to which in turn made the people beside her look at her. Tears had begun to fall from her eyes as she looked up to meet the boy’s orange-yellow eyes. “You’re such an idiot! You big idiot!” She cried as she spoke.
“We were so worried! You just disappeared for almost two days and we came to find you like this!” The boy looked down as if agreeing with her. His eyes looked dull and he seemed defeated. Nene’s brows furrowed before she threw herself towards the boy, hugging him.
“Saki is worried sick about you! What happened in the past is in the past now, there’s nothing you can do to change it! But everytime it comes back to torment you, speak up! How come your voice be stupid loud when you can’t even use it to voice your concerns!” She buried her face on the crook of his neck, tears slowly beginning to soak his cardigan. “Please speak to us… Tsukasa, we’re here for you. Even if you can’t smile anymore, even if it seems like it’s all hopeless. We’re going to be here for you! The fact that you are still here means something!”
The boy’s eyes widened at her last statement.
He was still here?
“I… I’m still here?” He whispered, tears forming in his eyes. Nene held him tightly and nodded, she let out a sigh that almost sounded like a faint chuckle.
Emu couldn’t hold herself any longer and also hugged the boy. She began to sob while saying things that were hard to hear due to her sobs.
All this time, he had been suppressing thousands of thoughts deep within himself. Within his diary. All the doubts about himself, all the feelings he hid away from the people he loved, all the lies he tried to feed himself, all of the ugly things he so desperately tried to hide were a part of him. Whether he liked it or not, it’s a part of him he has to learn how to embrace on his own.
He once was a shy boy, one who would struggle to raise his own voice to ask for anything, but one fateful day, he decided to change himself. Even if it meant lying to himself in order to achieve it. The thought of losing all of his progress, to turn back into the shy boy he had so long tried to hide, scared him.
If he lost the eccentric and cheerful troupe leader, who was he anymore? Everyone would have seen his lie and he would be alone. He told himself over and over again, if he can’t be a good brother, he was nothing. If he can’t make himself smile through the toughest of times, he was nothing. If his actions made others doubt themselves, it’s his fault. Everything he did had a consequence. All of the lies he built up within himself would start to seep into reality. Everyone will hate him once they realize who he truly was.
He was never the eccentric troupe leader he portrayed himself as.
He was just a shy, scared little boy who still fears losing his sister.
The boy hugged the two girls softly. He seemed to hesitate in doing so, as if he was afraid that it was all a dream his lonely mind decided to make. Rui joined in the hug as well, being careful enough to not disrupt the harmony the three others had already made.
The boy closed his eyes and tried to enjoy the moment. Their warmth was nice, he wished he could stay like this forever. But how long would it last before they parted ways for good?
Tears began to fall from his eyes and his body began to tremble.
Whatever may happen in the future, he knows that they won’t always be there. He was also afraid of losing them. Whether it’s due to them drifting apart or anything else happening. He wished that somehow, they’d all be together. No matter what.
His breathing began to steady itself, his body still shaked, but not as intensely as it once did. Tears still rolled down his cheeks and he still held the others close to him. His heart pounded inside his chest. The boy slowly opened his eyes and sighed.
“I’m sorry…” He whispered and in response Rui flicked the boy’s forehead. “I’ll take that as an apology for harming yourself, other than that, you don’t need to apologize.” Rui replied, looking into the boy’s eyes. The boy nodded in response before looking at the two girls hugging him. He moved his hands in circles on their backs, somewhat trying to comfort them for the stress he caused. Emu still cried in his embrace but seemed to begin calming down, Nene pulled away from the boy partially and looked at him.
“If you ever do that again, I’ll chase you to the ends of the earth you big idiot.” She spoke softly, partially scolding him but overall relieved to see him. The boy nodded and closed his eyes, he hummed in response.
“How are you feeling?” She asked. The boy thought for a second before leaning his head on her shoulder, the exhaustion hitting him hard. “I don’t know.” He replied softly but took Nene’s hand with his own. He gently held it and rubbed his thumb on the palm of her hand. “But, I do think I feel slightly better after being here with you three.”
Rui smiled slightly as Nene used her free hand to brush his hair, Emu laid her head on the boy’s back and smiled softly. “We’ll wait for you to talk if that’s what you need.” Rui spoke up. “Anytime you need it, we’re always here.”
Tsukasa seemed to smile faintly and hummed in agreement.
“Thank you…”
He then drifted off to sleep, Nene tried to not move too much as she began to internally panic on what to do. Rui looked at the scene in front of him surprised before letting out a small chuckle.
…
…
…
Tsukasa woke up in a white room, no, more like a white dimension of sorts. There was nothing in front of him, nothing behind him and nothing around him. He was surrounded by nothingness. He began to walk around even if there wasn’t anything to look at.
“Where am I?” He muttered.
“You’re with me.” A voice replied. Tsukasa looked around trying to find the source of the voice, something tugged on his cardigan and he looked down to find a boy.
“Who..? Who are you?” He asked. The boy looked down and hid their face in Tsukasa’s cardigan.
“You forgot me again.” They whispered. “It’s me.”
Tsukasa thought for a second, the boy in front of him looked like a real life scribble of sorts. Their eyes seemed eternally teary and they looked a lot like he did when he was younger.
“Mamoru?”
“You remember!” Mamoru replied and hugged him. “I missed you a lot Tsukasa!”
Mamoru began to ramble on about the journal entries he had long written. They seemed excited but Tsukasa could feel that there was a certain sadness coming from their voice. He crouched down and hugged Mamoru. They grew quiet for a second before beginning to sob.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” They began to apologize between sobs. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything.” Tsukasa held them tightly.
“It’s not your fault, you were just a kid. There was nothing you could do.”
“But I could’ve done something! Anything to help! Saki needed me the most but I was so selfish, so concentrated on myself! I’m a star so I will be fine! I’m a star, I will be fine!” Mamoru sobbed frantically as they repeated that phrase over and over again.
Tsukasa’s eyes began to tear up as he hugged the boy. He knew that everything Mamoru was saying was a reflection of his own thoughts as a child, everything he wrote in that journal all those years ago.
“It’s not your fault. Everything that happened was something you didn’t have control over. But look on the brightside. You found what makes you happy, Saki is doing better and knows how to take care of herself. You have…” He paused for a second before he smiled faintly. “You have friends who care about you dearly. While you may think you’re not the reliable older brother you’ve always wanted to be, Saki has always thought of you that way. You’re her whole world, you always were. Even if it doesn’t look like it everytime.”
“You will be alright, everything will be alright. But if it doesn’t feel like it, it’s ok to not be ok. You are allowed to have your own feelings. You’re still here!” His voice began to break as he spoke that last sentence.
Mamoru kept on sobbing as they hugged Tsukasa. Their surroundings slowly become brighter.
“Thank you for being there with me Mamoru, I’m so glad you were there.” Tsukasa spoke softly as tears fell from his face.
“Tsukasa…” Mamoru sobbed and held him tightly. “Be happy no matter what, but if you can’t, that’s fine too! As long as you’re still here...” Mamoru smiled slightly as they began to fade away.
“I’ll be happy.”
…
…
Tsukasa opened his eyes and was met with Nene humming a song while she brushed his hair. Emu was holding his hand as Rui looked over his injuries. He found himself laying his head on Nene’s lap and slowly began to sit up. Nene ceased her singing and smiled softly at Tsukasa, Emu looked at him happily and Rui finished bandaging him up.
Tsukasa looked at his arm before looking at the people around him. His face seemed melancholic, as if he slowly realized all of his actions prior to him falling asleep due to exhaustion.
“H… How’s Saki?” He whispered, almost afraid to know the answer.
“She’s worried, very worried.” Nene replied. “She called over her friends, so she’s with them for now.”
“I see…” He looks down worried. His eyes looked somewhat lifeless, the light in his eyes was gone. Rui leaned on Tsukasa’s shoulder with a small smile on his lips.
“We can stay here for a bit longer if you’re not ready to see her. Just let us tell her that we found you at least.” Rui said, closing his eyes as he leaned on him.
Tsukasa thought for a moment, his body slowly beginning to tremble. “I’m scared…” He muttered.
Emu held his hand and squeezed it gently. “We’ll be right there with you Tsukasa!” She beamed and Nene chuckled.
Tsukasa’s chest felt warm, the affections of his friends finding ways into his heart and wrapping him in some sort of warm blanket. He nodded slightly before leaning his head on Rui’s. He closed his eyes as he imagined Saki’s smile.
“I…”
“I want to go home.” He said, tearing up.
The three people around him smiled softly.
“Let’s get you home then.”