Work Text:
"Dun dun dun Dununun dun dun Dununun dun dun Dununun dun dun Dundun dun Dunun"
"Guy, what are you singing."
"The Battle Preparations theme, but beside that, Raven, Im finally getting used unironically in a playthrough!!" Guy beamed as he jumped up and down as he was holding both of Raven's shoulders.
Raven brushed off Guy's hands. "Right, just so you know, you're lucky that Mark overdosed on Xanax before hitting start at the main menu, otherwise you'd be in the bench again with Mr. Unviable Behind Ocean Seal and Mr and Mrs. Bow User."
Guy, blankly stared at Raven for a few moments. "......wait Wil and Rebecca are married?"
"THATS NOT THE POINT GODAMMIT!!"
Gloom, Grim and Grime, these three ingredients have created the perfect storm of anxiety around the band of misfits. It was always routine for them, Aion shows up, they beat the shit out of him and his soldiers, ignore Kishuna and move on to the next chapter. It was a routine that everyone was comfortable with, until Mark decided to get zany, and now everyone is dreading on fighting an optional boss that dodges like he has a perpetual Binding Blade and Thracia throne fused together to create something stinkier than Fire Emblem Fates.
The group has asked Lyn and Eliwood over and over if Mark was truly sane enough to go with this plan and once again, they simply replied with Mark holding up 3 fingers as he miraculously turned green and blurry. The day has come, they were going for that optional gaiden chapter and Mark will stop at nothing to get there.
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"WOOOOOOO WEEEE!!"
"Lowen can you please take that suggestion and put it back in your mouth?'
"Sorry Dorcas, no can do, what has been said has been said."
"Oh, Oh am I gonna get a front row seat for some Bartre shenanigans?"
"YES MATTHEW MY FRIEND!! TODAY IS THE DAY WE USE MARCUS' POWERS TO WIN THIS FIGHT!" Bartre shouted as he lifted Matthew off the ground. Dorcas was shaking his head nonstop and Lowen simply stood there with a blank expression.
"You can use my powers at your leisure, but I have my limitations so please use it responsibly." Marcus said as he rode his horse, joining their conversation.
"Will do sir!!." Lowen saluted as Dorcas sighed beside him.
"Well then, looks like Mark started the chapter, let's get going lads!"
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*BOOOOOOOOM*
"No no no, I told you to say Pugi, not Yugi."
"Cmon Matthew, don't you like Yu-Gi-Oh?" Lowen asked the sandy-blonde thief as he presented a portrait of Yugi Muto.
"Used to."
As some of the group stayed behind to fend off the Pegasus Knights flanking from behind, some went ahead to get to Kishuna quickly and a certain green-haired swordsman was eager to do just that. The rest of the group stayed at the outskirts, picking off some Black Fang members using Marcus' god powers.
"Well that was a good warm-up, got anymore things to will into existence?" Marcus asked as he looked at the four people accompanying him, a small moment of silence passed before Dorcas spoke up.
"I got one."
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"Get them!!"
"RAAAAAAA-"
*BOOOOOOOOOM*
The group of Black Fang members that were charging towards them were immediately burned away by the massive explosion, as the smoke cleared, the 5 people present stood still, singed bodies of Black Fang members laid down in the ground and in the middle was a single plate of mutton.
"Finally, I can get my fix of mutton." Dorcas said, he was about to take a bite before pausing."Marcus, you sure this aint poisoned?"
"I ran my diagnostics and I can assure it's clean." The Pheraen knight replied.
"Hmm, good."
As Dorcas continued eating, Matthew,Bartre and Lowen started thinking on what wacky stuff they want to bring into this world, thoughts were cut short after Matthew spotted more Black Fang members coming their way.
"Hey I think I see more Black Fang, think quick." Matthew announced to the group.
"AHA I GOT ONE, MARCUS!! SHOW ME A GOOD R/SHITPOSTEMBLEM POST!!"
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
Once again, singed bodies of Black Fang members covered the field, and as the smoke cleared, there was nothing, which confused our dear ol Bartre over here.
"Hey Marcus! get your god stuff checked again, nothing happened!!"
"Check your pockets Bartre." Marcus replied.
Bartre shuffled around his pockets till he felt a piece of paper, he brought it out and confusion started forming after reading it's contents.
"Hey! why does this paper write out two reddit links of a guy named...... Big Gnome and Baird??"
"I checked the process and it turned out that my powers had to weed out thousands of quite frankly, unfunny Three Houses posts, so in order to avoid a complete malfunction, I had my rng seek an account that makes good posts instead." Marcus explained to the axe wielder. Bartre took some time for that information to sink before ultimately accepting it. "Hm, well might as well check them out later."
"Oh, Oh I got one, show me a good Three Houses character." Lowen requested.
ERROR 776....REQUEST.... IMPOSSIBLE..
"Sorry let me try again." Marcus exclaimed.
ERROR 776....REQUEST.... IMPOSSIBLE..
"Work dammit!!"
ERROR 776....REQUEST.... IMPOSSIBLE..
"I am on my wit's end, show me what I want!!"
*DING*
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
" *cough* *cough* maybe we should *cough* stand back next time." Matthew exclaimed inbetween coughs, he noticed a glowing paper floating and grabbed it, a picture of a young oranged haired girl greeted his sight, the two ends of her hair were tied on loops and her blue eyes stared at him, she seemed to be wearing some kind of uniform and she was on a relaxed pose with two of her hands closed on her chest.
"Oh wait I already met her in Askr, name's Annette, she likes sweets, singing, this guy named Felix and is also a clumsy cook."
"Oh, well maybe I can teach her when I get into Heroes." Lowen said as he took a seat on a nerby boulder.
"Fat chance my friend." Lowen frowned at Matthew's remark as he patted him on the back. "Heroes fans are very linear, unless you have giant honkers then there is no way they're letting you in, even Marcus ain't in yet whats the chance they're letting you in."
"Most Heroes fans are vile and filthy creatures that spend the majority of their wealth buying pictures of people, dare I say they're more filthy than Sain! telling them to touch grass is completely moot as they might destroy the grass itself! Everything they are and what they do is evidence that they don't deserve to walk among us in society!!"
A dead silence rang around the four after hearing Marcus' cruel remark, said silence was broken after Dorcas walked in their conversation.
"That was some good mutton...... is everything okay here-"
"THEY DESERVE IT!!" Marcus shouted.
"Ok I think everything is fine here, so what have we got?"
"A portrait of Yugi Muto from Yu-Gi-Oh, a piece of paper with Reddit links and a picture of Annette from Three Houses." Matthew listed.
"I see, well got anymore?'
"OH! OH! I GOT ONE! MARCUS, GIVE ME THE BEST FANDOM MOMENT OF FIRE EMBLEM."
ERROR 776....REQUEST...IMPOSSIBLE..
"Sorry, its not a malfunction this time, my rng can't find anything except for millions of arguments regarding about these people named Edelgard and Dimitri."
"DAMMIT!"
"What a waste Bartre, I'll show you how it's done." Matthew smirked. "Give me the Burger King."
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
As the smoke cleared, a large booming voice was heard, and they were greeted by a sight of a large man clad in black armor, a red cape and a hat that says "Burger King" on the front.
"ONE WILL EAT! ONE SHALL STARVE!- Oh hello Matthew."
"General Zelgius! pleased to meet you." Matthew said as he bowed infront of the man named Zelgius.
"What business do you have with me, I must return immediately for Wario has choked from another Big Mac again." Zelgius replied as he rubbed his temples.
"Sheesh, that serious huh? Oh well send him back Marcus."
"Back you go General Zelgius."
-----------------------
1 HOUR LATER
"What's taking them so long, like I get Kishuna is a pain in the ass but wouldn't Guy have atleast managed to crit him atleast once." Matthew said as he laid his back in a nearby trunk and yawned heavily.
Dorcas turned to Matthew "Well, time well spent right?" Matthew raised his eyebrow towards him. " I mean look at this, 776 copies of Thracia, 1 giant Wailord plushie, a PS5, a Master Chief body pillow, 50 Penguinz0 white t-shirts, 50 actual penguins, 6 divorce papers, 10 Iron Bow 's, 1 Omnitrix, fucking Ironhide from Bayformers, 24 packs of Energy Drops, the Spear of Assal, a pair of non drifting joycons, a copy of Melee 2, a sophisticated Fox Mcloud AI, Captain Falcon, an X-Parasite, Sans Undertale, Minecraft Steve, Mario's week old singed socks from traversing through Bowser's castle, someone from RWBY and Metal Gear Rising because it's obligatory for these two to appear in crossovers, the entirety of Hyrule Temple from Smash and 20 fucking Beartics, seriously! What do we need the Beartics for?!"
"Well it's for the Jerme and Kenneth map, plus we get cav movement." Lowen said.
"*sigh*, you have a point." Dorcas replied as he laid down on the ground.
"Welp." Bartre stood up. "It's time we go out with a bang."
"What do you have in mind Bartre?" Matthew said as he sat down cross-legged.
Dorcas and Lowen simply raised an eyebrow towards their friend. Bartre cleared his throat and turned towards Marcus.
"Marcus, give me..... Shouzo," Bartre trailed off for a moment. Dorcas, Lowen and Matthew slowly widened their eyes, even Marcus was seemingly startled, the four of them knew where this was going and excitement was bubbling.
"Kaga." Bartre finished.
*BOOOOOOOOOOM*
An explosion came larger than the ones before, except it wasn't, what seemed like an explosion was actually a golden pillar of light, strong gust of winds started wailing around the field as the Sky Pillar theme from ORAS started playing, a silhouette of a man was descending.
"He's.....here.... HE'S HERE!!" Bartre shouted in excitement.
"At last... our God, Lowen my friend maybe the chance of you getting into Heroes doesn't seem impossible anymore." Matthew said as he started sobbing.
"*sniff* *sniff* maybe he can also give me good growths as well."
"I can't believe it, you've done it Bartre." Dorcas calmly said as he stared at the glorious sight before him.
But alas such joy came with unfortunate RNG, as the golden pillar started to fade to reveal Shouzo Kaga himseld, so did everything.
"Wait, why is everything fading to black." Bartre said as the victory fanfare played.
"THEY FINISHED THE CHAPTER??! AT THIS TIME!!" Matthew shouted as he dropped to his knees.
"NOOOOOO! GREATNESS WAS UPON US, CURSE YOU FIRE EMBLEM!!" Lowen shouted as well as he did the same thing Matthew did pior.
Dorcas smashed the ground as he started sobbing, he looked up at the sky and shouted one word.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
------------------------
Later at camp
"Hey guys why the glum faces?" Mark asked as he asked Bartre, Dorcas, Matthew and Lowen, their heads hung low with streaks of dried tears present in their faces as Marcus stood next to them. "Marcus what happened to these guys?" Mark said as he turned towards the old Paladin. "Nothing serious Mark just a small trivial accident."
Mark raised his eyebrowd, skeptical of the answer, but he had to play some Metroid Dread later so he accepted the answer. "Ok, well see ya around."
The 4 goobers were still standing there, sad that such glory was taken away from them like that.
"Cheer up lads, chapter 23 aint too far so you can use my powers again."
"Just don't let Mark pick the Lloyd map." Matthew perked up. "Oh, I wiiiiiiiill." Mark shouted from afar.
"FUCK YOU!!" the 4 of them said in unison.