Chapter Text
The words on the manuscript page started to blur, my eyes hopeless to focus and read . I needed to read it. But it seemed impossible after I attempted to read the second paragraph for the sixth time.
Shit
I was way too tired and distracted to try and look at any manuscripts.
My eyes slowly left the papers and trailed across my desk to my phone. It was already lit up, before I even tapped it, with a text.
Ben—
I can’t focus on any work.
My hips shifted in my seat and I tried to push aside the feelings that burned in my belly. He texted me first.
Me either…
I kept my phone in one hand and placed the other back on the papers, trying to focus for the time being, or at least until the next text came through.
What are you doing for lunch?
My calendar was free for lunch, but I still waited a bit, contemplating before I typed back. I wasn’t sure whether seeing him would help focus me or distract me more.
Nothing, all my meetings are later in the day.
I worried the inside of my lip, not even pretending to look away from the tiny screen in my hand as I waited for a reply.
Come to my office. I’ll get some food delivered.
It showed he was typing again so I waited.
I want to see you. Doesn’t have to be anything more. I just fucking miss you already.
My heart flipped. And I couldn’t help from the hopeful and happy feeling that grew up my torso. I missed him too. But I wasn’t sure what this was. Or what he felt. I told him how I felt the day before when he dropped me off after the cruise but he didn’t say anything for the rest of the night.
Well— he said stuff, but nothing about where he was or what he thought.
He just stole me from myself. The whole night was a robbery where each time he touched me a little bit more of me was owned by him. Pieces I knew I would never get back. He owned me completely in just one night.
But that scared me more than anything else. That after this was all over and it inevitably ended in shambles, I would have nothing left of myself. And for years to come he would still own every part of me.
But still—
Did I care?
I wasn’t sure.
Okay. I’ll be there at 11:30.
Apparently I didn’t care because even after everything… I couldn’t let go. My focus was shot though, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t read the manuscript at all. So I sat down the stack of papers with a sigh. My fingers pulled out my small blue notebook from my bag to sit on my desk in its place. I tossed through the pages until finally I found the first blank page in the sea of my scribbled handwriting.
As far as I can tell writing is work. Always had been for me at least. Especially when my mind whirs with everything going on. But in that moment my brain settled. And my pen pressed to the paper.
——The feeling of finality. She sat across from the doctor and knew her fate. The dread and the fear. But she already knew her choice. Even as the words dulled out as he spoke to her about how long she had, or her options– which she knew were limited. Nothing could save her from what the universe had already decided was her fate. Like a ticking clock on her wrist just waiting until her time ran out and she took her last breath.
‘Thank you doctor.’ She whispered. ‘I think… I’m okay. The universe decided. I’m okay.’
His brows took a nosedive, ‘Bay, the universe doesn’t decide to give us illness.’
She smiled at him anyways, even though she knew he was wrong. It had to be the universe. Because what else could it be? It couldn’t be god. Because she believed god to be uncruel. It couldn’t be her. Because she couldn’t accept that some version of her decided to cut her life short. Too short. Shorter than anyone would deem humane.
It had to be the universe. Because anything else felt too overwhelming to accept.
But this, she could. She was going to die. And leave him. If that was going to happen then it had to be for a reason. Because the universe deemed it necessary. ——
I stopped myself. Placing my pen down slowly.
Was this about Paige? Was this what she thought or felt when they told her she couldn’t have the operation and her time was limited?
Was I writing this about her absently?
The questions circled my head as I made my way to Ben’s office in the building over.
The book was… confusing. Because sometimes I lost where the book ended and where my thoughts and feelings began.
“Rey?” Ben called out to me. “Everything okay?”
I looked up at him from where my eyes were trained on the ground. “Yeah. I was just… I’m fine.” I smiled. “You ready?” I glanced around the otherwise empty hallway. Why was he even out here?
He continued to look at me for a moment before finally nodding and gesturing further down the hallway to his office. He settled in beside me as we walked, and out of the corner of my eye I could see his hands flex and clench and then flex again. I turned my head to look at him, trying to see if there was anything different. I felt different. I probably looked different too. And I itched to know if that same… difference settled in him. Or whether it was just me.
But there, etched on his face, something else was there. Something different about him that called out to me.
I flexed my own fingers just enough to graze his hand, his eyes flashed to time, a familiar warmth and playfulness filled them. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his office with a jerk.
I expected him to kiss me or to push me up against the door but instead I felt myself pulled into his lap as he settled into the couch he had in his office. His fingers pressed into my hip and he smiled up at me. I tried to keep the insane smile off my face but it was impossible. This was different .
One hand ran over the messy bun that held back my hair. “You’re cute.”
“What? Why?” I laughed. He was the cute one. His face looked pleased and playful, a combination his features rarely held.
His smile turned lopsided, “You just are. You don’t even look like you got like 2 hours of sleep. You’re still glowing. I couldn’t even focus on work.”
“Neither could I. I read the same page of a manuscript like 24 times until finally I gave up and wrote a little.”
“I ordered us food, but I also thought maybe we could talk. How long is your lunch?” He looked down at his watch.
I shrugged, “Like an hour. But I’m flexible today.”
He grinned at me again, “Good.” Then, his lips pressed against mine. It wasn’t anything hot or desperate like before. Something simple, and natural. Before he moved me off his lap and set me beside him like it was nothing. But I was still reeling from the simplicity of it all. Like he’d done it a thousand times.
By the time he came with the food from his desk, my mind started running again as I tried to identify what this was. What does talking mean?
“I just ordered what I thought you’d like. But if you’d rather have mine you’re welcome to it.” He settled in beside me on the couch again.
I swallowed, “No this is great. Thanks.”
He took a bite and then turned to me, “So who’s manuscript was it?”
“Someone new, actually. A girl who’s trying to go at it without an agent. I’m not even sure how she got her manuscript in but it’s really good.”
He smirked through his food, “But you couldn’t focus on it?”
I rolled my eyes, “Not because it wasn’t good but because I was just distracted. I read part of it while we were on vacation. She’s talented. Maybe you should reach out to her. She said she’d spoken with other agents and it just never worked out.”
“Yeah, just send me her information and her manuscript and I’ll look into it. I’m sure if you think it’s good then it’s phenomenal because you’re picky as all hell.”
He wasn’t wrong, “True, but I also like it because her writing still is just different. I’ve never seen anything like it before but I really enjoy it.”
His face turned intrigued. “So are you writing on that new book you started? Or making rewrites to the old one?”
“The new one. I love the old one still but it just feels dirtied now. I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do with it. Might move on and then just publish it later.” My shoulders lifted in a shrug.
“Might not be a bad idea. Especially if the new one is about me.” His voice was playful but I could tell a small part of him was still fishing. Trying to get answers to questions I hadn’t even told myself yet.
“About you is a very decisive definition. It’s more… loosely based on events that you experienced in your life.”
He snorted, “Yeah, okay. Are you going to put in a scene about the two main characters fucking like crazy after vacation?”
I threw him a look and took another bite of my food, “I don’t know about like crazy but yeah I might. They had plain, sweet, vanilla sex that ended after 1 time and then they held eachother.”
He recoiled with a nasty look on his face, “That’s not how that went at all.”
I shrugged, “It’s how I remember it.”
“I could remind you.” He leaned forward, looking me in the eye with a teasing look, “Because it wasn’t even close to being just 1 time.”
I swallowed my food slowly with a barely contained smile. He was too much. If we started down that path we would never get back to work. Because he was right, it was a lot more than 1 time. We had trouble stopping. It was time for a subject change. “What have you been up to today? Getting any work done?”
He snorted, “Hardly. More like incessant mind racing that eventually just leads me to staring off into space for a while. So very little work is actually getting done.” He sent me a goofy grin, “But hopefully after getting to talk with you for a bit it’ll help me feel less distracted.”
I swallowed my food so I could speak, “Anything in particular?”
“I want to make sure we’re on the same page with everything.”
“And what page is that?”
“That we’re still going to take space after this.” His face was serious
My jaw dropped. He broke into a grin. “I’m kidding.” He turned to face me fully, blurring out the rest of what was behind him. And his hands went straight to my hair like they always did. Like he was drawn to it. “I don’t want space anymore. I couldn’t stay away from you if I wanted to anymore. It’s like… the stars are finally changing in our favor.” His smile set my skin aflame. It whispered words of hope and love and it called to me. I was helpless to fall to its call. “We can do things your way. We can wait to tell Rose. But… after every obstacle that fucking ruined us for the past 8 years… I can’t imagine this going any way other than with you. Or—” he cut off, and when he spoke again his voice was a whisper, “Whatever you want, Rey. But I don’t want to wait anymore. I don’t want to hurt each other with waiting. And I can’t fucking imagine not being next you again in 5 hours.” My breath caught, “Or being inside you.”
Just the look in his eyes spoke to my body of what he wanted. Of what I wanted too. Without another word he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. He was gentle, waiting for me to continue the kiss— seeking permission. But as soon as I responded he took over the kiss again and lifted me across the couch and into his lap.
“Baby...” he breathed in between kisses. “I don’t want to be without you now.” His fingers rubbed into my ass and his forehead rested against mine, pulling his lips back.
I was overwhelmed. More than overwhelmed. Because everything he was saying was what I had wanted to hear but how I was unsure of what we even were. “I’m just scared.” I whispered, speaking the truth. “What about… Paige?”
“This is about us. Paige… she matters. And our relationship mattered but this is desperate. I just want to talk about us. What we want. What you want.”
I ran my teeth against the back of my lips, “As long— as long as you show me what you keep teasing about me missing… I’m in.” I grinned, trying to put aside my nervousness for all the unknowns. All the red flashing lights. Whatever this was, the train had already taken off and I was on it. So I would see. I owed it to myself to see if this one love in my life was what I thought it to be this whole time.
“Are you tempting me to fuck you here?” He teased. And dragged his fingers underneath my blouse.
“Is that an option?”
He pulled back and quirked an eyebrow at me. “This coming from the girl who had never had sex anywhere but a bed and a couch.”
“Well you keep saying there’s more. And I want to know what you mean.”
He sat back and regarded me for a second, and I could visibly see his wheels turning. “Okay… well, let me show you a little then.” He paused, shifting me back further on his legs. “Here’s what I want from you Reylin. I’m not going to fuck you in my office today. And I need you to listen to everything I say for this to work. Okay?”
My hesitation was minimal, but there all the same. Eventually I gave him the small incline of my head in a nod. He studied me for a few more moments before finally something clicked in his eyes and he nodded in return.
By the time I had walked back to my office it was like a daze. I wasn’t sure what everything meant or what Ben was trying to tell me. I felt like a fucking virgin, not sure what sex even felt like but wanting it so badly.
He had kissed me in his office and then sent me on my way without any questions answered, and large gaping holes where the blanks in my head needed to be filled. The feeling of unknowing felt terrifying but thrilling. Like there was still something to be discovered with him. Ben Solo. I wasn’t sure if he was mine , per say, but I could claim him almost. The build up having been so long that I wasn’t even sure this moment was real. This time where I could simply see him and kiss him. And feel him inside me.
But there was more. I wasn’t sure what more meant but I was determined to find out.
I circled around the secretary desk and entered my office without even looking up from my fingers.
“Rey.” A masculine voice startled me into the coffee table and I barely caught my balance to keep from falling.
“Poe…” I gasped. “I— what—” I paused to collect my thoughts. “I wasn’t expecting you. What are you doing here?”
He smiled softly at me, “I wanted to talk. Do you have time?”
“Of course!” The pounding in my heart returned and nervousness took over as I tried to wrack my brain for the possible topic he wanted to cover, that was not the fact that he and Paige fucked each other while she was with Ben. “What would you like to talk about?”
He sat back down on the couch against the wall and looked away pensively. I took a seat next to him as I waited, trying to calm my panic. What if he knew about me and Ben? “I’m sorry, I just— I worked myself up to get here and I don’t even know how to start.” He ran his hands over his face, conveying all his pentagon up stress in just that one movement.
I waited. It’s all I could do. My anxiety for his next words far too great to really be conversational. He finally tilted his head like he was looking at me but his eyes were far off. “How are you?”
Small talk. “I’m good Poe. How… how are you?”
He never responded but continued to find several points on the wall to look at.
“Can you tell me what really happened with Paige. I feel like—” he paused, “I feel like I don’t know the full story. And I’ve waited a long time but I don’t really feel like I can wait anymore. I have to know.” His eyes finally met mine and it struck with my how painful they looked, like he was enduring some great torture. “I loved her, Rey. I loved her so fucking much. I know I— I probably shouldn’t say that. It could probably blow everything up but…”
“I know.” I meant it to sound more sure but it came out as a whisper, like I didn’t even have breath in my chest to back it up. “I know you did. And I know she loved you too.”
With just those words Poe deflated into himself and his chest jolted with emotions. I didn’t wait for him to look up at me. I did what he asked.
“She was sick. Had been since she was little I think. Her mom had it and when she found out that Paige had it too she decided to keep it from Rose. To protect her or something. And Leia— Leia was their doctor. Cared for her mother and honored her wishes to keep it a secret until she eventually died and then honored those same wishes for Paige.” He stayed still, and the only proof that I had that he was even listening to me was the small shivers his chest would make any time I said her name. “And Ben had been friends with her since her Mom first started going. They were childhood crushes or something and when Leia needed a place for the girls to go that could foster them even though Paige was aged out, she knew it had to be Cathrine because Cathrine would take both regardless of the age and not be too nosy.
“Paige wanted a way to keep the secret and they had always had a crush on each other so she started dating Ben. And every once in a while she would forget the ticking time clock on her life and be with who she really wanted to be with..” I looked over at him, “And she would feel guilty for roping Ben into the life he was tied to and try and cut him loose but they did have some sort of bond and care for each other. But she was in love with someone else…. And she thought he was too. So after a while she found out she wouldn’t live much longer and transplants weren’t an option so she lied to everyone. Including Ben.” Poe’s eyes finally looked up and met mine. “She knew her time was short and she couldn’t be with who she wanted because she didn’t want that pain or burden on him. So she married Ben. For insurance or… a bucket list… or something. Maybe everything. But she did it.” He didn’t even blink. He just stared like he knew he needed to hear every word but it was gutting him to do so.
“And then without telling anyone but some lawyer, she died and all she left were some letters to piece together the parts of her life she kept from everyone.” My voice broke at the end, allowing my own emotions to get the best of me. “I’m sorry Poe. She loved you so much. But she was trying to fucking save the day… and hurt everyone in the process. But her intentions…” I stopped myself, “Well… she thought they were good.”
He stared at me, but not really at me but through me. A tear crept out of the side of his eye and rolled down his face. “And Ben? He loved you, right? How do you feel that she kept you two apart selfishly?” He was so quiet I could barely hear him.
I swallowed and looked down at my lap. “I’m working through it.”
Another tear in the other side forced its way out. “Yeah. Me too.”
He didn’t say anything for a few minutes as he wiped the tears from his face. “Thank you… for telling me. I’ve loved her… for a long time and I felt like shit about— about all the shit that went on with her throughout the years. I’m a bastard for sure, and I’ll feel like shit for the rest of my life maybe… but I wouldn’t change it.” He finally met my eyes and what I saw there was pain, and certainty. “I would do all the worst shit I’ve ever done in my life again just to love her again.” It was the closest to an apology & a confession of what they did to Ben… behind his back maybe that any of us would ever get.