Chapter Text
I love you, Seungcheol thinks when he sees Jeonghan next time, after a week.
Seungcheol has never felt this way. Surely, he used to be the type to have a million crushes, both in school and in university, and in the latter he also discovered his bisexuality. He even pursued a few relationships or more. But being in the behind the scenes of a variety show sucks everything from a youngster's being. Crushes can help, but Seungcheol never did have time for relationships. So he feels this sudden rush of feelings which are intense and doesn't know what to do about it.
Jeonghan is shining today.
His hair is cut short, bangs fluffy and floppy on his forehead as Seungcheol approaches him. He has this small smile on his face, a sort of smile that shows one is so happy, one cannot hide it.
"Hi," Seungcheol says, breathless.
"Hi" Jeonghan replies, balancing on the tip of his toes, then snatching Seungcheol's hand. He drags them inside the same Emart24 as before and Seungcheol wonders what's on the menu. To his surprise, everything is laden with sugar. A bottle of corn silk tea, a packet of Pepero, and a chocolate almond croissant.
"Can you eat any of these?" Jeonghan asks before they approach the counter.
Seungcheol shrugs and says, "A pepero won't hurt" literally.
"Okay"
They don't sit at the tables. Again to his surprise, Jeonghan leads them out of the store and into a park. When they sit at a lone bench, Jeonghan tosses over the Pepero pack to him. Seungcheol frowns.
"These are for you, Jeonghan"
Jeonghan, in the midst of wrangling the packaging of the croissant, pauses to emit a small sound.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
Jeonghan's lips curl in a smirk as he shrugs and gingerly bites the croissant.
Seungcheol doesn't want to break this atmosphere, but he has to say it. "You look happy today"
Jeonghan takes some time to chew before he answers. "Yes"
Seungcheol wants to ask what has led to this development, but they really never talk about Jeonghan's life.
"Let's say" Jeonghan says, "I'll be in a better place soon"
Seungcheol smiles widely. He has no idea what that means. Is Jeonghan's family member sick and they finally found a treatment? Or a way to pay for the treatment? Did Jeonghan get a better job? Is Jeonghan in debt and is finally on the verge of getting rid of it? Seungcheol doesn't know, but as long as Jeonghan is happy, he's happy.
"How old are you?" Jeonghan asks suddenly.
Seungcheol hums. "Do I not look like a strapping young man in his twenties?"
Jeonghan shakes his head slowly. "More like… forties?"
Seungcheol is quick to pull him into a chokehold, and Jeonghan lets out this evil cackle. He sort of reminds Seungcheol of goblins and he cannot help but snort.
Tightening the chokehold briefly, he says, "I'm thirty-five" and releases him.
"Oh" Jeonghan says, blinking twice and sobering up.
"Why? Is that a problem somehow?" Seungcheol says, before snapping his fingers. "You should be calling me hyung!"
Jeonghan scoffs. "How old do you think I am?"
"Twenty-nine? Minimum twenty-six, maximum thirty"
Jeonghan, oh the heavens, lets out another evil cackle, accompanied with a toss of his head and wriggling of his fingers and everything.
"What?"
"I am," Jeonghan starts between his guffaws, "I'm a manly Thirty-five-year-old too, this year"
" What?"
Seungcheol grabs his chin, yanking him forward. "With this baby face?"
Jeonghan nods, cheeks squished with Seungcheol's hand.
"You look like a baby," Seungcheol complains, letting go of his face.
Jeonghan shrugs, snatching up Pepero now. As he uses his teeth to tear the packet open, Seungcheol asks, "Which month?"
"October, I told you about the chon-sa -"
"-Right, my bad. August here. Assa! I'm your hyung, call me hyung"
"No." Jeonghan takes out a stick from the packet. "I don't want to"
"I have fed you so many times, and this is how you respect your elders?"
Placing the stick between his lips, Jeonghan says around it, "You're acting like you're twenty years older and have all the wisdom in the world."
"I never said that, but -mhphh ?"
A pepero stick is shoved in his mouth. The other end of the stick Jeonghan has between his own lips, to be exact. Seungcheol blushes .
"Let's play a game" Jeonghan says, before biting into the stick.
He raises his eyebrow for Seungcheol to do the same. Seungcheol bites a portion timidly. Jeonghan clicks his tongue at that and bites in boldly. Startled like a rabbit, Seungcheol bites again.
"Are you shy?" Jeonghan whispers around the stick before biting. Seungcheol has half the mind to shake his head, but when he does, his nose grazes against Jeonghan's. Shivering, Seungcheol pulls away.
"I won," Jeonghan says, catching the last bit of the stick and tossing it into his mouth. Then he shakes the packet in front of Seungcheol. "You can redeem yourself if you want to"
"Okay" Seungcheol says, digging into the packet and fishing a stick out. He thinks it's going to be a long night.
Poising a stick between his lips, he beckons Jeonghan over with an eyebrow. A mischievous smile widening on his face, Jeonghan holds the stick and bites microscopically.
"What the hell?" Seungcheol mutters, biting a normal amount. Then Jeonghan bites like an ant again.
Seungcheol bites once more, only for the stick to accidentally slip out of Jeonghan's mouth.
"Oops," Jeonghan says with a smile. "I lost"
Seungcheol flutters his eyes in irritation, eating up the rest of the stick and then smiling widely. He brings a fist up and grinds it against Jeonghan's temple. "Play properly, brat"
Jeonghan cackles, waving his hand off and taking a stick out. "Sure"
This time, when Jeonghan bites, he bites so aggressively, alternating with Seungcheol's normal bites, that in no time, their noses are touching. Seungcheol is thrown into a frenzy because, well, he isn't prepared for this.
"Coward" Jeonghan says, pulling away and taking the last of the stick with him. As he munches on it, appearing nonchalant, Seungcheol can see it all.
"You're the coward," He says, tilting his head. Jeonghan raises an eyebrow at him. "You are playing games like this instead of asking me for a kiss. You like me, don't you?"
The packet of Pepero clatters on the bench.
As Jeonghan tries to retrieve it, his hands flounder and the mask breaks down completely. It falls in ruins as Jeonghan's real face surfaces. An expression of unease takes over as Jeonghan inches away from him.
Seungcheol feels something drop in his guts. Jeonghan must know that he cannot even deny, cannot even say a 'no', because both of them know that Seungcheol will not be fazed. Jeonghan takes a shuddering breath that is painfully audible.
"Jeonghan-ah" Seungcheol says calmly.
Jeonghan gets up abruptly, keeping the wrappers on the bench. He mutters, "I have to go"
"Jeonghan, listen to me" Seungcheol stands up as Jeonghan tries to hurry. He catches his wrist, and Seungcheol gets a sense of deja vu. Jeonghan twists his hand with all his might, putting his entire body weight in yanking his wrist away, but it is all in vain.
"Am I right or wrong?" Seungcheol asks, leaning into him."Are you playing with me, or do you have feelings for me?"
"Yes," Jeonghan mutters, still struggling to twist his wrist from Seungcheol's grip. His entire focus seems to be on freeing his hand.
"Yes to which question, Jeonghan-ah?" Seungcheol asks.
Jeonghan looks up at him for one brief second, with eyes wide and wavering, and Seungcheol realises the depth of his feelings. Jeonghan is hating this. Jeonghan is deeply uncomfortable without his mask as he stands before him. Jeonghan hates this vulnerability, hates getting cornered, and Seungcheol is making him uncomfortable.
Seungcheol lets his hand free.
Yet again, Jeonghan's eyes are wide at him, surprised at his unexpected move, but he is quick to flee from the park, not once looking back.
Seungcheol sits back on the bench, massaging his forehead with his hand.
Seungcheol hasn't seen him for a long time now. Almost twenty days. Seungcheol cannot help but count, because there is a pain in his chest every time he thinks of Jeonghan.
He's thirty-five, and not a inexperienced, floundering youngster. He knows what he did right. It was correct of him, for his own protection, to want to clear up Jeonghan's mixed signals. He ought not to get his heart played with, and it is right to make sure both of them are on the same page.
What he did wrong…
The thing about doing something wrong is that Seungcheol senses later what he should have done instead . But with Jeonghan— Jeonghan is an enigma of a whole different kind. Surely, he doesn't like to confronted, or cornered, or asked about his feelings, surely, he doesn't like addressing the elephant in the room or recount any moment of his own life, but what was Seungcheol supposed to do instead ? How was he supposed to protect himself and accommodate Jeonghan in the same breath?
He isn't accusing Jeonghan. He just wishes to know him better enough to find some way.
The time to give up comes when Seungcheol opens KakaoTalk for the millionth time. Seungcheol is not above all to not message him. He didn't message him the entire week, because both of them needed to cool off. But he couldn't help it anymore. What would happen if Jeonghan wasn't taking care of himself properly? Seungcheol worried a lot.
Sparsely, a few days a week, he would ask how Jeonghan is doing. He would hesitate each time he would type something similar to 'did you eat?' or literally anything about food, because he knows what it implies. But he sends it anyway. These hidden messages of love and worry. However, at some point, the message becomes clear.
Jeonghan straight out blocks his contact.
"Everything is falling into ruins" Seungcheol mutters. It has been falling for a while, his heart crumbling and crumbling over the days since Jeonghan blocked him.
"It's not the… end of the world… I suppose" An assistant humours next to him.
Well, coming to his job, a small blunder has happened. It's a nice homely setting today. A drizzle makes home outside the french windows but the Going members are lively with their top-notch entertainment skills. The PD looks happy today and Seungcheol avoids him.
It's a timed episode. A certain number of minutes given to the members, and for the entire episode to be wrapped up. A typhoon is on the news, hopefully one of the last ones this year as it's almost October. The good thing is that the typhoon will just brush against Jeju and bring heavy rain to Seoul.
The reason Seungcheol is trying to avoid the main PD is, well, there's something wrong on the props' account, which is, well, a Floor Director's responsibility. Cushions on the sofa? Check. All different instant foods like ramen and snacks and bottles in the studio kitchen? Check. Deliberately placed Kimchi making station? Check. All sorts of board games that can make people feel nostalgic in the rainy weather? Check. A random sogo drum just lying next to a flower pot in a modern Korean apartment set?
Check.
" Where did that sogo come from?" His assistant mutters for the third time.
The intern hiding her face in her hair might have the answer. Seungcheol sighs as quietly as possible. He is very bewildered at how the intern misplaced a sogo drum out of all things under the sun, and heaven knows where she has procured it from, but what's done is done. The filming started before anyone could notice it, and as the time passes, Seungcheol just hopes it gets unnoticed.
Until, Lee Seokmin picks it up.
It is a misstep, honestly, him sliding over the carpet and grasping onto the small table near the long sofa and finding the sogo drum. Being curious, and a natural entertainer, Seokmin brandishes it in front of the camera like he has found a hidden treasure. Everybody is visiblely confused for a second as Seungcheol's crew shifts in unease.
The main producer throws Seungcheol a look.
"Um" Seungcheol tries.
Dum.
Everybody looks back to the front. Lee Seokmin, bless his heart, has removed the cover of the drum and has now started playing it with the accompanying stick. Dum, dum da dum dum, dum dum da dum dum.
"What in the world… " Someone who sounds like Seungkwan says and then chaos erupts. Seokmin keeps playing it with a keen sense of rhythm and such a straight face that one cannot help but laugh. Soon the entire cast falls into peals of laughter and the PD's frozen shoulders settle down. At least Cubics — the fans of Going — are going to love it.
Seungcheol gets an earful afterwards but it's alright.
"What the hell… " Seungcheol mutters to himself. He's lying on the sofa, checking SNS next Thursday morning with a mountain of reviews for the previous day's episode. It's a day off for him, and dutifully he is going to spend it lounging about.
It is safe to say, this episode is a hit. The third time the show goes viral, it's because of a misplaced percussion instrument. Great.
Their homebase is the SBS channel, of course, but YouTube is where their highest engagement is, and their videos reach a million views within a few months. This time, it's quicker as people from all over SNS have found the link to their video. Almost half a million views are already here. Looking at the comments, various people have commented they are here because they saw clips of a man playing the sogo with the utmost straight face and ten people following him — crying, almost — like they are spellbound on TikTok or elsewhere.
'SoGoing' is trending on Naver and views are still pouring in from everywhere. Well, that's nice.
Huffing out a laugh one last time as he swipes the apps away, he wonders if Jeonghan watched the episode. Jeonghan had honestly become a Cubic, and many times Going would be the topic of their conversation. It used to be fun, because Seungcheol likes when people gush about his 'kids' and he also likes hearing Jeonghan talk and talk and talk and talk. Even in his evil moments.
Jeonghan loved talking about how they are all very teasable, especially Joshua. Joshua is his main target for some reason, and deducing that their evil tendencies match, Seungcheol thinks Jeonghan wants a showdown with Joshua. That thought makes him laugh to himself.
Seungcheol sighs, sinking further into the sofa.
"What's the point…"
His thought patterns oscillate from one to another all the time. Sometimes he reminisces about his moments with Jeonghan, sometimes he feels like a rejected fool, sometimes he worries about Jeonghan's wellbeing and sometimes he daydreams about alternate realities with Jeonghan. None of these thoughts make Seungcheol feel grand.
He should probably move on, shouldn't he?
Shifting to his side and covering his head with his hood, Seungcheol resolves to take a nap. His chest is heavy, mouth tasting bitter for no reason. He sighs again.
But Jeonghan would have been totally exasperated if he were at the set. The content for the episode was for ten men to follow the movements of whoever is in the front, with a rotation system. If Jeonghan was subjected to such stuff — Seokmin's ridiculous sogo parade — the most scandalous look would cross his face for sure.
Jeonghan hates that too. Being captured or perceived and all that. Seungcheol remembers how once they were near a tteokbokki stall and Jeonghan was suddenly behaving very strangely, rounding up behind Seungcheol to gobble his tteoks. When asked what happened, Jeonghan said that the guys standing next to them were taking selcas.
Maybe it's the variety show expert inside him, or maybe he's too blinded by love, but Jeonghan is too exciting to not be on any show. He's quirky, good looking, has quite a comic timing, quite the facial expressions and cunningness to win hearts. He can shine-
And he's thinking about Jeonghan again.
Seungcheol groans to himself, rubbing his hands over his face.
"Get out of my head, Yoon Jeonghan!" He yells. His voice booms in the empty penthouse. Maybe Yoon Jeonghan mustn't want that, because the next second, Seungcheol receives a message.
KakaoPay •just now•
You have received a payment of 1,7××,××× from Yoon Jeonghan
Seungcheol acts in an instance, scrambling to sit up. He immediately calls him, in that brief window where Jeonghan has unblocked him.
"Yoon Jeonghan" He breathes as the call gets picked. He feels like he has run a marathon.
There is silence at first, before Jeonghan's voice filters through. "Is there something wrong with the amount? I have a list and everything, please tell me if you think there's a mista—"
"— Shut up. Don't talk as if this is some business transaction. I don't want that money"
"I don't understand—"
"—You understand very well, Jeonghan and I'm warning you…" Seungcheol sighs and rubs his face again. Why is he talking like a ruffian? "Jeonghan, let's meet"
"No"
Seungcheol closes his eyes to control his irritation. "Just this once. I know what you sending me this money means. You don't want to do anything with me now. So just once. Come have one last dinner with me, Jeonghan"
"No"
"Yoon Jeonghan…"
"It will be awkward. You won't eat along"
"I will. I will eat with you. For the first and last time"
"You should not. You'll get sick"
Seungcheol can recognize concern in that unfazed voice, which almost makes him smile, but he doesn't. "What if we eat at my place? I'll cook something nice…"
"... No, Seungcheol. I can't. "
"Okay… " Seungcheol says, voice small.
"So" Jeonghan says, "I'll… cut the call now. Thank you… for all the food and stuff till now"
The 'stuff' includes Seungcheol's heart, if Seungcheol wants to put it sentimentally, but he thinks he should resign. If Jeonghan blocking him wasn't a sign, this call must be one.
"Okay… bye…" He says.
Beep, beep, beep …
Seungcheol rubs his eyes, swearing to himself to not cry or anything. He should distract himself. Contemplating for a while as he looks at the ceiling, he decides he should cook something. A comfort food.
That essentially means bibimbap for him.
It's a true comfort food for him. There can be bit of everything in it, be it be vegetables or kimchi or meat or eggs and Seungcheol can customize it to his heart's wish. There is no boredom when it comes to bibimbap. And it is highly approved for his house making skills because he can get rid of leftover side dishes he has in the fridge.
Going to the kitchen, he opens his fridge and accesses everything. Green onion kimchi. Two eggs. Tofu. Spinach! Chicken thighs. Soybean sprouts. Enoki mushrooms. Huh, other than the chicken, he has very few of the accessed ingredients. Perfect for making bibimbap and finishing them off—
He sighs when his mobile rings. He thinks it must be a producer. He's going through a heartbreak, PD-nim. He needs time to heal, PD-nim. Come on, PD-nim. Muttering all this in his mind, Seungcheol fishes his handphone from his shorts.
"Hel-"
"Ten o'clock tonight" Yoon Jeonghan's voice comes, and Seungcheol closes the fridge door with a bang.
"W-What was that? Did you hit someth-"
"Ten o'clock tonight what? Dinner?" Seungcheol says.
Jeonghan is quite for a while, before he says, "Yes"
"And how have you come to this change of heart?"
"I…" Jeonghan shuts down like a clam, once again.
Seungcheol deliberately waits for him, making the silence uncomfortable, but then he gives in, sighing. "You know my apartment. I'll tell the guards to let you in"
"Yeah, um, thanks"
Seungcheol cuts the call without saying anything back. He is glad he didn't yell.
He pats himself on the cheeks. He will make his bibimbap right now, sans the chicken thighs. But he needs to calm down. Making food when heartbroken is one thing, but making food when angry is another. When you let anger get into the food, the result will always be bad. It's the opposite of making food with love.
This might be his last meal with a loved one, and while it makes him sentimental, he has to make it good.
He gets sort of late.
He can blame it on the meat not defrosting fast enough or the grocery delivery not being on time, but well, he's just — a little bit — sloppy today. He's in the middle of removing the chicken thighs from the teriyaki sauce when the bell rings.
Switching the cooktop off, he goes to receive Jeonghan at the door. Suddenly realising that he cannot look at him properly without emotions bubbling up, he mutters a 'come in' and pretends to be very busy with cooking.
"Sorry, it's going to take some time." He says as he reaches the kitchen.
"It's alright" Jeonghan says. The rustle of him removing his overcoat is audible.
"Make yourself comfortable" He says at last.
In the kitchen, Seungcheol transfers the chicken to the cutting board. He adds some water to the sauce base in the pan and switches the cooktop on again. He takes a knife and starts cutting the glazed chicken into slices, only to stop. He cannot do it. He should not be cooking. Not with this attitude.
Before he notices, he is stalking out of the kitchen and approaching Jeonghan with a booming voice. "You think you're some sort of a mastermind, reeling some rich guy into buying you food, but you're actually such a good person you don't want to do it, and you feel immensely guilty, so you are cutting things off with me."
Silence.
Jeonghan looks at him with the widest of eyes. Seungcheol realises he is breathing really hard, and that he's brandishing the knife in front of him like a weapon.
He drops his hand. "Shit. Knife. Rude— that's rude. This knife. This was rude of me, bye" He stalks back to the kitchen and frowns at the knife. That was… not good. He should cook. Yeah, he should focus on cooking. But how can he when his heart is—
"I'm not a good person, Seungcheol," Jeonghan says, entering the kitchen and standing by a counter on the opposite wall with his arms crossed. "You're just… You should be smart about this."
"I don't know your personal history but you wanted to go all 'oh I have suffered a lot, so I will make the world suffer a lot and eat the rich, cackle cackle cackle ' but then you realised you're too good, Jeonghan-ah. It breaks your heart and you definitely don't want to do it."
"That's not true. I just don't want to owe you. Stop psychoanalysing me. And for heaven's sake please don't cut meat while you're yelling at me. It's scary."
Seungcheol keeps the knife down and turns to face the guest. Ironically, he says, "I can do whatever I want to. This is my house."
Jeonghan pauses and then frowns. " You're the mastermind. You made me come here because this is your turf and not mine"
"What's your turf then, I can defeat you anywhere. And the sauce is boiling, what the hell—"
"—The convenience store! I will shove a sausage in your mouth and you'll be done for." Jeonghan retorts. He is looking for a showdown for sure.
Seungcheol halts for a second after pressing the button on the cooktop to bring the sauce down to a simmer. Then looking at Jeonghan with morose eyes, he says softly, "You'll really do that? Knowing my stomach won't survive it?"
Jeonghan's regret is clear on his face. He shakes his head minutely. "No… no… how can I even…"
Seungcheol is quick to bounce back, giving him a bright smile. "See? Such a good person!" He grabs the chopping board and brings it to the pan.
Jeonghan scoffs loudly at being played. "You act well, don't you?" He scoffs again.
Seungcheol starts sliding the chicken pieces back into the sauce. "I'm the youngest in my family, be it immediate or extended. A little acting and manipulation is a piece of cake"
Jeonghan scoffs again at that self-praise, slapping his hands on the counter behind him. "Okay, maknae. I'll let you know, I'm really not a good person just because of that. You're such a naive person, maknae-yah."
"You are trying to use 'maknae' as an insult but I will let you know too that I'm not fazed. And I'm not naive either." He says, changing the settings to make the sauce boil again.
"Oh, so annoying. Yes, you are naive, Choi Seungcheol. You fell for my charms."
"No I am not. I voluntarily fell for your charms, because I wanted to feed you" Turning back to Jeonghan now.
That doesn't seem to settle well with Jeonghan, who grumbles, and refuses to make eye contact. "That… you shouldn't go around doing that. That's why you're naive! You feed strangers who come out of nowhere!"
Seungcheol wants to approach him, but stays put at his own counter. Sobering up, he says sincerely, "If I have all money in the world and access to all the food in the world, I would definitely feed everyone who needs some feeding"
"'Feeding'," Jeonghan scoffs, "What am I, a baby?
He's literally refusing to look him in the eye, he's toeing at the tiles on the floor, he's pouting, he's wearing a large sweater that makes his broad shoulders round and torso cuddle-able, and he asks if he's a baby.
"You definitely look like a baby with that short hair." Seungcheol settles to say.
Jeonghan sighs, flustered. "We are going nowhere with this conversation"
"And that's why I tell you, you don't have to put up that guard against me. You just have to eat food and I'll pay for it, Jeonghan-ah"
Jeonghan sighs again. Remorsefully, looking at his feet, he says, "This is the last meal like that. I won't ask any more meals out of you, as I said."
"But I want to buy you meals, is it that wrong of me?" Seungcheol asks.
"It is." Jeonghan answers, still looking down. It is his final answer.
And the rice cooker signals with a ding.
When Jeonghan takes the first bite of the teriyaki chicken, Seungcheol casually unlocks his mobile while he pretends to eat, opening KakaoPay. Doing his deed, he places the phone back. Jeonghan is mid-chew when he checks the notification on his own phone and promptly gulps his food to yell at Seungcheol, "Fuck you, Choi Seungcheol!"
Choi Seungcheol just shrugs, happily humming a tune as he scoops a morsel of rice.
"I worked so hard for all that money, Seungcheol," Jeonghan stresses, leaning forward. "I finally found some relief after paying you back and you're doing this to me"
"If you have worked so hard then keep it to yourself" Seungcheol says simply.
"That's- That's not how it works" Jeonghan sighs, "You don't understand, Seungcheol."
To Seungcheol's surprise, Jeonghan's eyes are moist, and it makes his mood drop instantly. He places his chopsticks down and approaches Jeonghan, sitting on the chair next to him.
"Hey…"
Jeonghan's face is in his hands now, and he refuses to look at Seungcheol.
"Jeonghan-ah… look at me? At least talk to me"
"Don't want to" Jeonghan mumbles in his palms.
Seungcheol purses his lips and contemplates what to do. He really doesn't want that money. It hurts his heart to conclude their relationship like it was a business transaction. Seungcheol doesn't want to cut things off with Jeonghan this way. Those one million and seven hundred thousand something Wons will always prick him.
"Why are you treating me like it's all business to you?" Seungcheol says, settling back against the chair and looking at the ceiling."I understand you don't want to do anything with me now, but do we really have to end it in this note?"
"I don't want to be indebted to you, Seungcheol." Jeonghan says.
Seungcheol closes his eyes. "You're not." he assures."You're honestly not."
Jeonghan sighs like he's fed up."How come, Seungcheol? I have received so much from you, how can you say I'm not indebted to you?"
"Why are you running away from me?" Seungcheol asks.
"Don't change the topic"
"Answer me, Jeonghan. If you leave me, I need this answer"
When Jeonghan doesn't reply for a while, Seungcheol opens his eyes and looks at him. Jeonghan is already watching him, eyes rimmed with red.
"Did our time together mean nothing to you?" Seungcheol asks, "Not even a bit? Can I not even be a friend anymore? Can I not be someone you can lean on?"
Jeonghan turns away, fiddling with his hands. "That's the thing, Seungcheol. It's scary. All your… all your… "
"All my what?"
"All your kindness . I have been through lenders after lenders left by my bitchass fa- nevermind." Jeonghan sighs."What I'm saying is, I know people always want something in return if you receive something from them. Always. And you just— you just don't . It's confusing, Seungcheol, all your kindness is confusing to me. I can write it off and just leech off a rich person like you — as you said — shamelessly, but even my shamelessness is less than your kindness. It never balances out!"
"Why does it have to balance out, Jeonghan-ah? " Seungcheol counters.
Jeonghan throws him a glance. "You have never owed people before, have you?"
Seungcheol shakes his head.
Jeonghan leans against the chair, making their shoulders touch ever so slightly. "So you won't understand. There is like a balance of scales in my head, you know," Jeonghan muses, "And I have been through so many… circumstances, so it's automatic for me to put every action through it. If I don't pay back, be it in cash or kind, there is a huge siren always ringing in my mind. I have… I have tried stealing, as you have seen before, but then I keep thinking about it. The guilt is still eating me from the inside. I just can't steal. I just can't let you get me food for free"
"You're always anxious about this. Always calculating…"
Jeonghan nods. "I can't… stop the siren from ringing continuously until I pay back." He says, and then mumbles, "Now look, it's ringing again…"
"Well," Seungcheol says, slapping his hands on his own thighs, "Tell that siren to screw off, you don't owe me, Yoon Jeonghan."
"Why would I not owe you? Give me a valid reason. Until then I'll keep paying you back."
"I'll block your contact" Seungcheol challenges.
"Then I'll withdraw my money and slide an envelope under your door when you're out"
"Just so you know, you just said ' my money'. Secondly, you won't escape the guards. I'll tell them to detain you, until I come back… in the visitor's lobby and treat you like a king because you're my person"
Jeonghan frowns. " Shut up. Don't— argh!"
Sufficiently flustered, Jeonghan is unable to say anything else and silence takes over. Seungcheol says mum as well, as thoughts race in his mind.
Jeonghan has this whole thought process which Seungcheol cannot curb. No matter how much Seungcheol gives to him, Jeonghan is ought to calculate how to give him back. That constant calculation must be frustrating and tiring. That way, it makes sense for him to break this arrangement off with Seungcheol.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" Seungcheol asks.
Jeonghan closes his eyes, tired. "I told you… it's burdensome-"
"Something I help in, that does not involve you wanting to pay me back. Something that won't go through the scales in your head. Something that won't compel you to pay me back"
"Why?" Jeonghan asks. "Why are you so keen on that, Choi Seungcheol?"
"Because I don't want to lose you, damn it!"
Jeonghan opens his eyes, widely in surprise, taking in the fury Seungcheol shows on his face. Seungcheol wants to break down now. He was doing well, making this last dinner for his loved one and preparing himself for the farewell, but he just cannot .
" Anything , Jeonghan-ah" He says, desperation clear in his voice.
Jeonghan looks at him keenly for a while, before thrusting his hand forward, palm up. "Hold my hand."
Seungcheol wordlessly does so, keeping his hand on Jeonghan's and lacing their fingers together. But he waits for an elaboration.
Jeonghan brings their hands down so they rest on his thigh. "Your hands are warm…" He murmurs, "It gives me energy…"
"Then I want to hold hands with you all the time." Seungcheol says without missing a beat.
"Why?"
"You don't want to?"
"No… I just don't want to be greedy."
"You're not greedy." Seungcheol says, squeezing his fingers. "If you think this gesture won't go through your scales, then ask for this without shame. You don't have to pay back, so take it."
"You'll hold my hand whenever I want to?"
"Yes"
"Don't you have anything better to do?" Jeonghan says, half a smile appearing on his face.
"Well," Seungcheol replies, "I'm a free single man, with lots of freedom to hold hands with other men."
"Men other than me?"
"Nope,only you. Do other men buy you food and hold your hand?"
"Nope, only you."
"Then you can be a bit more selfish."
"Selfish how? I'm warning you before you make a mistake. I'm like an octopus."
"Show me then. I don't believe you"
Jeonghan frees his hand and tosses his arms over Seungcheol's shoulders, a depiction of an octopus, but then he gets too embarrassed and shoves his head onto Seungcheol's neck.
Seungcheol musters up the courage to stop blushing and clicks his tongue. "Not strong enough. You are lying, aren't you? As I said, I'm the youngest, with the cutest charms. You cannot please me with this."
"Shut up" Jeonghan giggles in his neck. "I'm trying my best"
"Not enough, not enough"
Jeonghan wacks his chest. "Wasn't this about me demanding to hold your hand? How come I'm trying to get approval from you?"
"Now this is Manipulation 101 for yo-"
"-Shut up!" Jeonghan, backing off from him, "Just shush, maknae-yah"
Seungcheol laughs heartily, before controlling his expression and saying, "So if I hold your hand, we will meet again and again?"
Jeonghan stops cackling as well, but a small smile is present on his face. He hums and pretends to think. "Let's see… maybe for a while, yes. But then I think I need a top-up or two"
"Top-up? What top-up?"
Jeonghan's eyes twinkle. "Kisses"
"Kisses?" Seungcheol asks, raising an eyebrow. "Well that has some extra charge"
"I thought this was charge free? Choi Seungcheol, what is this?"
"Well, Yoon Jeonghan. There is a charge for such services" Seungcheol says, tapping Jeonghan's cheek. "Which is, coming clean about your feelings"
Jeonghan looks at him like a frustrated toddler before looking at his own lap and saying, "Fine! I like you"
"Look at me and say it"
Jeonghan throws him a stink eye, grinds his teeth, and says, "I like you, Idiot Seungcheol"
"Good enough, I guess" Seungcheol mutters, before leaning into Jeonghan, "Here's your kiss-"
"-No!" Jeonghan yells, red in the face as he stands up from the chair. "I'm not prepared"
" You brought it up in the first place" Seungcheol complains, pointing a finger at him.
"Well," Jeonghan tries to say, but then he glances at the table. "Oh no, the food"
Seungcheol blinks. "The food" he says, looking wide-eyed at the table that's right in front of him . "Damn it, we should reheat it all."
"Let's just eat as it-"
"-Over my dead body, Yoon Jeonghan. Grab the rice. You know how to reheat rice?" Seungcheol says, already onto the teriyaki chicken and sauteed vegetables.
"Yes I do," Jeonghan grumbles.
"Then get to work. There's a microwave. Follow me"
"Ugh, I don't want to"
"Do you want to eat or not?"
"I want to…"
"Then move your butt."
It's when Seungcheol has switched on the cooktop and is reheating the teriyaki sauce, that Yoon Jeonghan asks him a question.
"Why do I not owe you?"
Glancing at him, Seungcheol sees that Jeonghan is not looking at him. He's fiddling with the buttons on the microwave as he holds the bowl of rice. Again, trying to be nonchalant while asking a serious question.
Seungcheol cannot think of how to answer.
He didn't say 'I like you' back to Jeonghan, because it felt wrong. He doesn't like Jeonghan, he loves him. But he realises, such a truth might be daunting to Jeonghan. They have just started a new relationship, and such a heavy emotion can crack their delicate bubble. Right now, they should eat dinner, talk some more, make some plans and get to know each other better.
Someday, Seungcheol will confess and someday, Jeonghan will open up. Someday, Seungcheol will tell him about his mother and food and love and food and love.
Until then, he settles to say a simpler truth, which is, "Because, I want you to eat well."