Chapter Text
you’ve been staring at this ceiling for what, two days now? you’ve been holed up in your block since you scurried off out of the library and away from rose. it’s not like anybody would worry about you, so you get away with bouts of isolation frequently.
you’ve been lying on your mattress with your legs up against the wall, essentially sitting upside down for the past few hours. it’s only now that you decide to stand up, much to the protest of your head as you immediately get dizzy and have to sit back down. you stretch your limbs and stand back ujesus christ you need to shower.
as you wait for the water to warm up, you stare at your reflection in the mirror. that isn’t how you remember yourself at all. you remember yourself looking much less like a scared kid who hasn’t brushed their hair in a week and more like something that doesn’t deserve to exist. you suppose neither deserve to exist, anyway.
-
after drying your hair off and changing your clothes, you feel much less inclined to rot away in your block some more. you open the door as slowly and quietly as possible. you poke your head out to see if anyone is around after letting your eyes adjust to the light. to your luck, there’s nobody there. you take a cautious step outside and then close your door, continuing down the hall in the direction of the kitchen.
the comfortable silence and isolation doesn’t last for long as someone turns the corner, walking from the kitchen towards you. it’s rose. this could definitely be a worse encounter, so you stop for a moment to wave at her. she smiles and waves back. and then kanaya turns the corner after her. your face goes deadpan, you lower your head, and start speedwalking away down the corridor she came out from. you do catch a glimpse of kanaya’s reaction, however, and you don’t like the predatory glint in her eyes as she puts her own hand in rose’s.
you stop as soon as you’re out of sight and sigh, letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. she could’ve chased you down and finally tried to kill you right there, but she didn’t. you can’t complain, though, because you’re still alive and not being hacked to pieces.
finally, after an extremely long and treacherous journey two hallways long, you’ve made it to the communal kitchen area. you grab the nearest food item with no name written on it, which turns out to be instant microwave ramen, and sit down as you wait for it to heat up.
that’s when rose walks in with a worried expression on her face. she sits down across from you and you sneer internally. what does she want with you? is she here to try and befriend you, or are you just that much of a walking charity case?
“are you okay?” she asks.
“what.”
“you know better than me what i’m talking about. are you okay. kanaya keeps warning me to stay away from you and reminds me of what happened back before we appeared here, but i have a feeling there’s more to that story.” her hands squeeze each other on the table. you knew this was what she meant, but you hate how this memory keeps being wrenched out of the back of your mind. you hate not feeling like you can talk to anybody about it. you hate that she’s right.
“...it wasn’t me.” you manage to get the words out around tears threatening to build up.
“huh?”
“it wasn’t me. in my body when it happened.” you’re staring at your own hands now, claws digging into your palm on the table. “i tried to tell her. i tried to tell everyone, but they want to live in their own bubble of ignorance,” you hiss. “they’d rather pin it on me than step out of their ‘everybody-is-either-good-or-evil’ black-and-white comfort zone.”
“i see.” she looks thoughtful for a moment. “you know, you sound very different from the last time we spoke. you have a more… careful tone. quieter, too. like you have to second guess yourself before every word.”
that’s the one thing you’ve put any effort into since then, sounding more careful with what you let slip your filter. you finally speak. “it disgusts me. the thought of being anything like how i used to. i don’t want to be them anymore. maybe then i can try to explain what happened to someone and they might understand.”
“hmm. well, i hate to say this to you considering your… history with him, but i think dave has some experience in the ‘being forced to do things against your will’ field. i’ll talk to him.” you grimace at his name. out of everyone on this meteor, you have to talk to *him* about it? it’s not like you have a choice, though, because when you look back up, rose has already left.
you’ll ponder it over instant ramen, you guess, because the microwave just beeped.