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The beep of the heart monitor was the only constant sound in the room. It went on and on, always following the same pattern. Lucas was thankful for it, in a way. Max was stable, breathing properly and her heart beating regularly.
He was the only person left in the room. It was almost sunset and he would have to go home soon, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave her just yet.
He looked longingly at Max’s face. He could still remember the streaking red blood pouring out of her eyes, imagine the exact places it had run along her cheeks.
Lucas shivered and tried to shake the thought away.
He looked up at the drawing he had taped onto the wall. He had missed Max for so long. Her laugh, her sarcasm, her little doodles. Everything had changed after Starcourt, and he guessed that it had all changed once again.
He shifted in his chair and heard something crinkle from within his jacket.
Lucas frowned, opening his jacket to find the source of the noise.
It was the letter. A failsafe, Max had called it. He pulled it out of the pocket he had shoved it into.
His name was written on the front in simple, black lettering. It was an organized mess of a scrawl, clearly written with a slightly shaking hand. Max had never been known for her perfect handwriting. It was perfect to him though.
Lucas looked up at her face again. Nothing about her had changed.
“For… after.” Her words echoed in his head. Was this after? After it was all over? After Vecna got her? After…
He refocused on the letter. He couldn't do this. He couldn't read it. Not when she was still here. Not when she was still fighting with every scrap of strength she had. He couldn't give up on her.
But he had to know what was inside. He had to know what she was too afraid to say with her voice. He had to know, in case this was the last time he could still watch her breathe.
With shaking hands, he pried open the seal.
The notebook paper was ripped along the edges. She must have taken it from one of Mike’s notebooks, he thought. It was folded into three sections to fit inside the envelope. He took a breath and unfolded it.
Dear Lucas,
Do you remember what you said to me, on that day in the arcade? When you locked me in the back room and sat me down for storytime? You asked me if I ‘accepted the risk’. I said yes.
Maybe I should have said no. I might not be staring death in the face if I had.
Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered either way. I don’t think Vecna gives much of a shit about accepting the risk.
But none of that matters, because I don’t regret saying yes.
Saying yes opened a world of possibilities. Saying yes made me believe in the unbelievable. Saying yes gave me strength, and courage, and wisdom.
Saying yes gave me you.
I wouldn’t trade our relationship for anything. You showed me things that changed my life. You showed me that I deserve something good in this miserable world we call Earth.
I tried so hard to love you, after Starcourt. I tried to be happy. I tried to put on a brave face for everyone else, but it was too hard. I failed. I failed then and I think I’m failing now. I hide away like a coward and chucked everything I learned from you into the garbage.
I wish I had gone to the games. I wish I had been in the Hellfire Club. I wish I had accepted your hand.
There are a lot of things I wish I had done differently. Things you deserved for me to do differently. But somehow, after all the shit I put you through, you’re still here. After all the times I dumped you, after all the times I gave you the cold shoulder, after all the times I tried to drown you in the sink (okay, maybe that one was justified). Point is, you’re still on my side. You’re still trying to make it okay.
And I think that’s why I grew so attached to you. You have such a heart of gold and treated me like a real person. You cared to get to know me, cared to drop the fronts and dramatics and just be yourself. And I think that helped me let my guard down too.
What I'm trying to say is: you’re a good person, one of the best I’ve ever met. You changed my life in a way I can hardly describe. You made things bearable when my world was falling apart. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that it took me so long to see that, and I’m sorry that we’re here, forced apart before we ever even really got started. I’m sorry I never came to you sooner. I’m sorry I never truly opened my heart. I’m sorry I hid, and left, and turned away. I’m sorry I was such a bitch. I’m sorry that I let you go.
So I’ll end this by saying something I never got to say when things were happy. Something you deserved to hear me say.
I love you, Lucas.
-Your shitty ex-girlfriend,
Max.
Lucas looked up, the paper shaking in his hands. Tears rolled off his face and onto it, slightly blurring the ink. He kept reading the last lines over and over again.
I love you, Lucas.
-Your shitty ex-girlfriend,
Max.
He set the letter on the bed and leaned over, grabbing onto what was exposed of Max’s fingers. Her hands were so cold, she looked so small in this damned hospital bed. Everything about her was stiff and uncomfortable. Lucas focused on the gentle rise and fall of her chest instead. It took him several moments to find the words to speak.
“Oh, Max… you’re the best girlfriend I could ever ask for.”
He squeezed her hand lightly, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve.
And in the quiet of the hospital room, with only the sound of the heart monitor and Lucas’ broken sobs, he felt her squeeze back.