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Day after day, night after night, Lise Dassin danced, and she danced like she meant it.
She’d come home to her new boyfriend, Jerry Mulligan, and they’d dance some more. They’d chat by the river Seine, embracing each other like they finally could. She had chosen to follow her heart, and it was the best possible thing.
Until something began to hijack her.
She had her arms wrapped around him this particular night, the moonlight glimmering in their bedroom. “ Je t’aime, Jerry…” She whispered into his ear, making him blush, and his hand made its way into her hair. Time would stop, and they’d kiss passionately like the world would end if they ever thought about stopping. Eventually, she pulled away for air, her lips and face hovering over where she’d planted them, before stepping back. “I’ll go and get changed, and I won’t be all that long.”
“Take your time, Liza.” Her smile only brightened at the Americanised name, “I’ll be waiting.”
A sigh slipped from her mouth as she grabbed pyjamas to change into, then slinked away into the privacy of the bathroom. She removed her pointe shoes back in the studio and put on her sneakers, but still, her feet ached. Relief coursed through her as she took those off, along with her pull, tights, and leotard. After wrapping herself in the comfort of long pyjama bottoms, considering the winter weather, she stared at the rest of her, long and hard. Lise’s gaze was growing firmer, scrutinising every inch of herself. It wasn’t enough. The constant dancing, exercise, and even eating less. The ballet dancers back at the studio were pencil-thin pristine, living, and achieving their best- No. They were thriving.
“Liza?” Jerry called from the room, sitting up now and running a hand through his hair. “It’s been a hot minute!”
She couldn’t get herself to step away from the mirror. Her body was thin, but not thin enough. She danced from the crack of dawn till the midnight moon lit the sky, yet she was not enough. Dancing was her passion, and she knew she’d do it till the end of time… But this? This negativity? The competitiveness in the industry? Lise knew she’d have to fight, that nothing was ever as easy as it came, but how far would she stretch?! Blinking back the water that glistened in her eyes, she hugged herself before positioning herself on the bed, leaning into Jerry.
Of course, he had no idea of anything that had just happened, but he recognised the lack of her bright demeanour, the fact her head hung low and posture slumped. He brought his arms around her shaking body and held her close, sighing softly. “Liza, I’m right here for you. Whatever’s going on, it’s not going to change anything between us, how I love you, or otherwise.”
Her eyelashes tickled against his skin as she blinked. “Even if I’m frail and nothing like the others?”
It took Jerry a moment to even register what she said, and he pressed a kiss to her forehead once the meaning became clearer. “You’re the most amazing ballet dancer I know. That’s why I sought you, you know? It was your sheer talent that led me to you.”
“Are you sure of
nothing else?
”
He reluctantly laughed, “Your care for the people in such a distraught time. Everyone was struggling, yet you put others’ needs over your own.”
Lise nodded and gulped, burying her head in her lover’s chest. She was not going to cry over this. She was strong, and she knew it. It wasn’t even a matter of other people’s wants or needs, but it was rejecting herself and her own self-care for a greater goal. To fit in, to strive even further than she already was, which was an outstanding standard as things stood. Lise could feel her body weakening. This constant physical toll was clearly doing her no good. She had failed to see it up to this point, where all broke loose. Her fingernails dug into Jerry’s skin, desperate for security, that safety from her fears and woes, and the touch.
“Shh, shh, shh,” Jerry soothed, running a hand up and down her back to calm her, holding back a wince at the clawing of her nails. “I’m here, that’s all you need to focus on right now. Breathe. ”
Up and down. She took things slowly. Up and down. The movements of her chest became prominent, this rising and falling sensation. Her whole body felt frazzled as she closed her eyes, dizziness pounding at her head. Fear planted itself in her mind, and her consciousness wavered. Falling limp in Jerry’s arms, he then cradled her and tucked her into bed, but not without worry. For as much time as he could stay awake, he surveyed her, the steadiness of her heartbeat, the way she clung to him as if all would disappear in an instant… Jerry simply wasn’t working this out, and his own fatigue was erasing any clarity that was left. With a soft hum, he kissed her forehead and then her nose, nestling his head into his own pillow, and letting out a long exhale. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, my love, but maybe this sleep will help. All I want is for you to be safe, healthy and healed… Your job must really get to you, huh, Lise?” Using her real name felt far more serious to him, but he couldn’t make this cheery. He simply had to provide her support, and comfort and keep watch. So, he did. His eyes remained open for a long time, before he fell deep into his own slumber, unsure of whatever would come next.