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It had been such a long time since Rex had been on Coruscant, and it felt so much different then the last time.
The 501st had been assigned to patrol a very vast area of the Outer Rim for the last month or so, and in the ever-changing climate of war the planet seemed to constantly shift like the sands of Tatooine.
Tatooine... Rex lost his thoughts in Anakin for a moment. He had an important task at hand and he had no time to waste.
Managing to find a moment for himself in Padmé Amidala's already full schedule had been difficult, but she had been accommodating.
When he entered Senator Amidala's office she greeted him with a smile.
They had spent so much time together during the war, they had slowly grown fond of one another, even though from an outsider's prospective they wouldn't have had much reason to: but after all, what was a galactic conflict for if not to make friends?
“Skywalker sent me to give you an update on the current situations in the army. Word is out that the Separatists have taken a Jedi master hostage... although we are not sure yet, it's likely that whoever it was held very delicate information. That could have not been a problem... if it weren't for the fact that we're pretty sure they are being held in the Citadel-”
“The prison on Lola Sayu?”
“Unfortunately, yes. It's safe to assume that the Council is going to send us there for a rescue mission, and... let's just say that might take a while. Skywalker is at a meeting about that as we speak, and he said he's going to meet us as soon as it's over, but he wanted you to already have some background for when he came back.” Padmé didn't even try to fake the reassuring smile she had so readily learned in her life as a politician, she didn't have to pretend around Rex: they both knew appearances meant nothing if you didn't come home at the end of the day. If you added to the number of those lost.
“I see... thank you for telling me. I... that doesn't sound nice. Is that all the information you have?”
“Yes, I'm afraid. Any news on your front?”
“Not really. Not much going on-” she was stopped by three loud knocks. “Excuse me” when the door opened, a pantoran in formal wear- not a senator, but maybe their assistant?- handed Padmé a datapad, saying that “Senator Chuchi sent her regards, and awaited Amidala's council”.
Definitely an assistant, then.
“Okay, that was the last of it, we should be left alone for the next hour or so.” she said turning to where Rex was standing, and once the door was closed behind the assistant's back, they hugged.
“It's good seeing you” she mouthed when they parted.
“As I was saying, the Senate's been quiet for some days... I am well aware that this does not mean anything good but I am grateful for the chance to catch my breath.” she sighed, and then slightly changed her posture, gesturing Rex to take a seat. Now that the risk of being caught fraternizing had significantly lowered, they could drop the act. Maybe they were being overly careful, but in a time in which anything could be twisted against you, formalities were of the essence. She gave him a genuine if mischievous smile, and Rex dreaded knowing how she wanted to change the topic. “It also gave me time to hear about the news on your side of the war” she smirked. Rex rolled his eyes.
“Anakin told me over comms that he talked to you...”
“You're really defusing the conversation with this?”
“Shouldn't I? It's just that he told me some stuff, but to be fair I'm not really sure he told me what happened... I mean most of it was gibberish...” she laughed.
“Oh, I can imagine... it's not like he was much clearer with me... how much did he tell you?”
“Well, if you want the full story, for the past few months he's been slightly more weird than the usual... then around last week we were on the comms and he went on a really long rant about how much he loves me and thinks of me every day-”
“Oh, that sounds a lot like him, he literally won't shut up about you.” Padmé giggled, then continued.
“Yeah, and then he said that nothing changed about how much he loved me, but there was also someone else he had feelings for, and that that someone was you.”
“That's what he said?”
“Oh, he was much more poetic, and also took a lot more time to say it, but that's basically it. Then he asked me the permission to talk to you about this. I of course said yes, I have no problem with him loving other people outside of myself, and to be honest, if he had to fall for someone, I'm glad it's you.”
“Thanks” they both smiled.
“And then yesterday he told me you talked, that he was a bit of a disaster at it, and that you said you felt the same and... yeah well, that's it. Am I missing something?”
“No... that's about it. He told me that he was still in love with you- weird, would have never guessed- but that if I was okay with it he would have liked to make it a thing...”
“And...?”
“And... I said yes.” Rex's cheeks were rosy. “We have still to figure out everything, also considering that there's a war going on and all...” figuring everything out was going to be a nightmare, especially with someone like Anakin.
“The war is not exactly the best moment for relationships, honestly. I can't believe it would be easy.”
“On one hand we do spend most of the time together, thanks to the war itself, though the fact that he's my general complicates things in a matter I really hoped I would never have to think about.” Padmé sighed. Not dismissive, she'd never do that, but in a way that told Rex this was not the first time these matters were brought to her attention. Knowing Anakin, and knowing the people Padmé called her friends, he wasn't surprised.
“When he told me about asking you he was so concerned about doing it in the right way, making sure you knew it wasn't an obligation... hell, I've seen him read more papers on power dynamics than I've ever seen him read reports throughout the whole war.”
“Yeah, being so impulsive a person it's difficult to imagine him doing research of all things, but given his background I think it's only fair.” Padmé nodded. She opened her mouth as to say something, then caught herself and waited a moment before talking again.
“To various degrees we're all privy to the horrors of slavery, but the things he still remembers... having the front seat to such darkness can't leave you without scars.”
“It must be so difficult for him to face basically being on the other side of the trade, and he's the one who's free.”
“I can't imagine what it must be for you.” there was something about the way she said these sort of things, that let you know she wasn't demanding the story of your every waking moment with her words. She wasn't asking you to lay out all your nightmares before her just because she was doing you the courtesy of caring. So many senators that went on about how much they wanted to help clones always expected Rex and his vode to recount in detail the tragedy of the last sibling that had died in their arms, but he knew that with Padmé any piece of him was an offer, not something he owed.
“Many of the jetii, being what they are, regard us as they would any other person, and even most of those who don't see us as such keep it to themselves, but it still lingers, and you hear such stories of generals sending their men to slaughter that make you keep your guard so high up...” he could see the question in Padmé's eyes. What about you? What about with Anakin?
“To a degree I know Anakin sees me as his equal, as he does all my siblings regardless of rank, that I'm his second in command only in title, but it's impossible to forget for any clone that even though they may love us, the jetii still own us. You can't just get rid of that feeling. Not even for love. Damn my heart for caring so little, and I wish, I really do, that I could care as much even when he stands in front of me, but I know in the end that even against all reason I'd choose to follow him. I just hope that's my heart and not whatever those di'kutla Kaminoans made us for.” there was a sort if hopeless smile on his lips that he just couldn't shake.
He wasn't lost. He knew the circumstance. And he would never choose Anakin over his vode, over his aliit, even if Anakin had started to become aliit himself.
Love didn't mean he was lost.
“I bet it doesn't help matters to think of all your siblings who decided to give in regardless.” Rex raised his brows.
“I went to Aayla's wedding.” oh. Rex had hated having to miss the ceremony. Well, he hated having missed on teasing Bly on his big day. That made him laugh a bit.
It was near impossible to even come close to trust nat-borns enough to talk to them about these kind of things, but Padmé was intelligent enough to grasp at least some of it. She didn't have the first hand experience, but she was there on the front lines of the fight for their rights, and she was genuine about it. She cared.
Padmé silently asked for his hands and he nodded taking hers, and for but a moment they lay there in the quiet, just in time for Rex to get hit by the other worrying aspects of a possible relationship with Anakin that, in this case, he was pretty sure he wasn't ready to talk to Padmé about.
On one hand he knew she was the person who would be able to help him with this, but on the other hand he was so very scared.
These were not questions of morality, autonomy, freedom that for how much tied to his very being, were tied to all his vode in the same way.
No, this was a personal thing.
And right now, in his head, it was so much worse.
“Is something bothering you?” if someone told him Padmé Amidala was Force sensitive, he would have believed them.
To be fair, he knew the real problem was his lack of subtlety, but he hoped at least some of it was due to his friend's observation skills and emotional intelligence.
Rex had grown to keep secrets of all kinds for this damned war, but emotions were a different deal.
Your enemies didn't care what emotions you showed while being interrogated, or at least not as much as nat-borns thought, so no one had ever taught Rex how to hide those.
“What's wrong?” and talking about the war was easy. Talking about fate was easy. No, this one? This one was worse. But Padmé was probably the best person he could be opening up to.
“There's something I haven't told him. And I'm scared of what he would think. I... I don't know what his reaction could be... and I don't want to...” Rex was rocking in his seat, if just a bit.
“Hey, hey look at me. Whatever it is, we can sort this out, I'm sure.” Rex inhaled, held his breath for three seconds, then exhaled.
“I'm not...” a sigh. Did he really want to ruin everything with Padmé like this? “My vode called it cyric'at'mesh, but I have no idea if it has a translation in basic... I am not attracted to people the same way one normally is. Or at least the way it has been explained to me. My vode are the kind of people that as soon as they get some free time will go to the nearest pub and given the chance flirt with the first nice person they find... but I never really got that... I know the how, the why, all of that, but I just don't feel it... my batchmates go on about how just looking at someone makes them feel all this sorts of things I have never felt for anyone- and I feel like I'm deceiving Anakin telling him I reciprocate him when in reality I do, but only partly... my vode told me that there was no way he wouldn't understand... but I'm scared. What if this ruins everything?” Padmé's mouth was slightly opened, then she closed it in a smile.
“I can't tell you to not be afraid of his reaction. It's not something that you will believe until you hear it. But know that Anakin is not that kind of person. Sure, he has his flaws, many, might I add, but he's not stupid. I always thought the deal with love was that it matters how you act on love, not how you love. If you both love each other and both agree on how to act on it, then it doesn't matter to what extent. I know this to be true, and he does too, or, well... I wouldn't have married him.” this earns her a chuckle on Rex's part, who was starting to relax a little.
“Nothing will be ruined. If or when you tell him, he will understand. He probably will be all the more grateful that you decided to share this with him. As am I.” she squeezed his hand. “Thank you for trusting me.” she mouthed.
And in that moment came a knock to the door, and maybe Rex could make this work.