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It's too high.
Kaya sighs, feeling her sinuses struggling to process even such a simple action. She debates vaguely which is worse: the cold that came out of nowhere, or the dissertation she's midway through reviewing that simply has to be done by Monday, come what may. Right now, she's leaning towards the former.
Correction: it's the bottle of Aspirin that's one shelf too high.
She has absolutely no idea how it ended up there. If she can't reach the shelf to retrieve it, she definitely couldn't have placed it there in the first place. Her first thought is her friend Alex, who came over a few weeks ago and would have presumably helped herself to a couple of pills, as she usually does every time she's worked late. Her second thought is Namjoon, for whom the shelf is probably at eye level - but it’s been months since he’s been to her apartment so it’s highly unlikely that he would’ve inadvertently put her in this position.
Almost as though he knew she was thinking about him, her phone pings from where she’s left it on the dining table. Wincing at the sound, she shuffles out of the bathroom and across the kitchen of her studio apartment to check it.
Joon [15:10]
Hey, beautiful.
Kaya’s heart leaps weakly. She sinks into the chair, lowers the brightness of the screen and types out a reply.
Kaya [15:10]
Believe me, there’s nothing beautiful about me right now.
Joon [15:11]
Lies. How are you feeling?
She squints and begins replying, but her headache persists. Giving up, she calls him, setting the phone on speaker and walking over to the kitchen. He picks up on the second ring.
"Hey."
She can hear the smile in his voice, and despite the horridness of her cold, it makes her feel slightly better.
"Sorry, I couldn't look at the screen any longer," she says thickly, placing it on the counter and retrieving a mug from a cabinet. "My head's pounding."
"Shit." In the background, she can hear the faint honking of a car. "It's that bad?"
"Remember how you pretended to pass out after I made you try that shrimp fried rice?”
“I remember crab and tuna being in there, too,” replies Namjoon calmly. “But that’s still pretty bad. Don’t you think you should go to a doctor?”
Kaya shakes her head immediately, wincing at the stinging pain in the middle of her forehead before she remembers that he can’t see her. “No, it’s not that bad. Yet,” she adds doubtfully. “And I don’t have the time for it, so I’m just making some green tea. Apparently it helps. Oh, and Aspirin.” When another honk emanates through the speaker, she frowns. “Are you driving?”
“No… I take my test next weekend,” he says sheepishly.
She chuckles. “I’m so proud,” she says, only partly joking. “Call me in case you need a pep talk?”
“I’m an expert at pep talks, I’ll have you know.”
“At giving them, maybe. These pep talks are different,” she informs him, tearing open a packet and shaking out the tea bag. “It’s a different kind of encouragement you need when you’re handling a machine that can actually kill a person.”
“Not helping,” he says. “I’m on my way to dinner. I’m super late and everyone’s already ordered…” He sighs heavily. “I really hope they haven’t got clams.”
“That’s rough, babe.”
“Shut up,” he mutters, but she can hear the chuckle in his voice. “Do you have any Aspirin in the house?”
“Yeah,” she answers, mimicking his sigh, “I just have to figure out how to get to it. Either my super tall friend or my super tall boyfriend left it there the last time they came over,” she says deliberately, sniffling into the sleeve of her hoodie.
Namjoon chuckles again. “I swear, baby, your super tall boyfriend didn’t touch that Aspirin. Oh, and before you try it,” he says quickly, a mild panic in his voice, “ please don’t try to climb on the bathroom counter? Especially when you’re sick.”
Kaya rolls her eyes, instantly feeling her head spin again. “Of course not." A notification pops up on her screen and she suddenly remembers something. "Okay, wait, I think Mark’s out today. Maybe I'll ask him to pick some on his way back," she mutters, typing out a message to him.
"And Mark is…"
"My neighbour. Blond hair, army jacket? Looks like Matt Damon from The Departed ?" she prompts. "You met him, when we were on our way out to dinner."
"Right." There's a pause during which she can hear the faint sound of a car zoom by. "I was confusing him with Maxim. That's the guy who dropped you back from campus that night, right?"
"Yeah, the new TA," she answers absently, scrolling through her phone. "Okay, Mark isn't responding."
"Is there anyone else you can call?" The underlying concern creeps in, and she feels herself smile in spite of herself.
"I can take care of myself," she reasons calmly. "He'll respond eventually. Even if it's late. I just really need that Aspirin to work," she groans.
Namjoon doesn't follow the change of topic, though. "Are you sure it’s a good idea to let some guy into your apartment in the middle of the night?" he asks, and this time the concern is unmistakable. "Especially when you’re weak and sick?"
"I'm not weak and sick ," she says, rolling her eyes and dipping the tea bag into the cup of hot water. "I mean, I'm feeling weak and I am sick…" He's silent and she can almost visualize him raising an eyebrow knowingly. "And it's just Mark. He helped me fix my router, too, remember?"
"Uh-huh."
"Joon?"
"Yeah?"
Kaya takes the phone off speaker and brings it to her ear, turning around to lean back against the kitchen counter. "Trust me, I won't be inviting anyone into this toxic petri dish of germs for a few days now."
She can hear his smile through the phone. "That's what I like to hear." There's a beep through the phone followed by a rustle before his voice comes back. "Kaya, can I call you later, baby? I'm getting a call from Sera."
"Wow. PR agent trumps girlfriend, I see."
"That is not true," he says immediately, sounding rather like he's rolling his eyes. "There’s just that interview tomorrow and it’s an English one so there will be a lot of briefing for the other members."
Kaya snickers, the first time she's felt like doing so all day. "I'm kidding, babe. Sick people can make jokes too, you know?"
"You're hilarious."
" Go on, then, music producer," she says, sighing and picking up her mug of tea and heading back to the dining table. "I should call Mark too . "
"Alright, love you. Feel better, baby."
His last words sound like there's a hug to follow and for a moment, Kaya is immensely disappointed that she can't get one, not while she's in Amsterdam and he's in Seoul. She simply sighs, hating being sick all over again. "I’ll do my best," she mumbles, trying not to whine as he chuckles and hangs up
Kaya is sick and Namjoon is in a hurry, and neither of them notice.
She tries to stick to her word, though. She never does manage to retrieve the Aspirin but she drinks a second cup of green tea and moves to her tiny balcony with her laptop, hoping the fresh air might help her some. The glare of the screen is still too much, though, especially since her work for the day involves reading through assignments handed in by her thesis advisor’s post grad students. It’s dull work, especially since this particular class seems to be filled with absolute idiots - or that’s the way it feels today.
The wifi signal struggles to reach the balcony, too, and around late afternoon, once it starts raining, she gives up. Shuffling back into her apartment with her laptop in one hand and coffee mug clutched to her chest with the other, she gives it another go before she has to get on a call with her advisor and his junior TA, Maxim, which also comes to a close quite soon.
“Kaya, I can barely understand you.” Professor Lloyd clutches the bridge of his nose. Kaya, whose video is mercifully turned off, opens her mouth to speak but is swiftly cut off. “You sound like you’re talking through a wall, dear,” he adds kindly, and to that, she has no response.
“But -”
“Sleep it off, and you can get a download from Maxim tomorrow.” Without giving her a chance to reply, he logs her out of the meeting.
Stumped, Kaya slams the lid of her laptop shut. Too tired to get off the couch, however, she stays there, feeling as though every limb could fall off any moment. She doesn’t wake up until hours later, and even that’s only because Mark calls her, informing her that his girlfriend might come over later that evening and if she does, could Kaya please hand over his spare key?
“Sure,” she answers groggily, coughing into the sleeve of her hoodie.
“Are you okay?”
“No, I feel like I could die, honestly.”
“What?” There’s a note of panic in his voice. “What are you talking about? What happened?”
“Nothing, it’s… it’s just a cold,” she mutters, feeling her face clog worse than ever. “Could you… pick me up some Aspirin or something on your way back?” she asks, realising only as she says it that her headache has indeed disappeared after her nap, but everything else hurts twofold. “You know what? Forget it.”
“Are you sure? I could get it."
She bites her lip. “That would be great, actually. No pressure. I’ll give Emma the key.”
“Okay, then. And thanks,” he says. “Let me know if you need anything else.”
Kaya makes a non-committal noise before hanging up, feeling hideous. She attempts a shower where she wonders briefly if the fifteen minute window of hot water is enough for her to drown herself. That’s followed by a rather sad dinner of ramen - courtesy Namjoon, who’d insisted on having a box of ready–to-cook ramen in her apartment for emergencies - and whose only purpose is sustenance until she wakes up the next morning.
The TV is a no-go, the volume either too low or too high. She even opens her laptop again but after reading the first email in her inbox ( Hi Kaya, I just wanted to check if you’ve had a chance to go through my paper yet. I’ve quoted Ayn Rand in a couple of places and I was just wondering if Professor Lloyd would find that a bit too self-serving, given my main argument? If you could let me know what his reaction would be so I can change it, that would be fantastic. Regards, Matthew ), she resists the urge to reply with a single “No” , and simply switches off her laptop.
It's a little after midnight when she finally resigns herself to bed, in the irritating position of being simultaneously exhausted yet wide awake. Wrapped in a blanket and a college hoodie, she props her phone up against the pillow next to hers, trying not to think about how it ought to be occupied by a certain someone now more than ever, and switches on an episode of Modern Family , hugging a box of tissues.
One and a half episodes in, the video gets cut off by an incoming call. Her annoyance lasts half a second before she realises who it is. Answering it with her knuckle, she snuggles further into her blanket, her heart flipping when she hears his voice.
"Hey, how are you feeling?"
Kaya buries her face further into the pillow. "Like crap," she groans, voice muffled. "What are you doing up? Isn't it, like, the crack of dawn over there?"
"Um… no, it's almost seven-thirty."
"Perfect." She sniffles, emerging and wiping her nose with the crumpled tissue in her hand. "My brain is broken. I'm officially ill."
Namjoon snickers, and almost involuntarily, her heart skips a beat. "Baby, your brain is fine. Did you check if you have a fever? You look like you're sweating a bit."
"No, that's the VapoRub on my - wait how can you -" Kaya finally looks at her phone screen and gasps. "Oh, my God, you video called me?" She immediately hitches the blanket upto her nose. "What the hell, Namjoon?"
"What did I - you answered it!" he exclaims, eyes widening.
Finally able to look at the screen without flinching, she takes note of her boyfriend; white long-sleeved t-shirt on, hair a soft brown and falling messily into his eyes. She leans slightly forward and squints.
"Are you at the studio ? This early?"
“Home studio,” he corrects her. “I have to make a few edits to this track and the rest of the day is going to be all about that interview.” He stifles a yawn into his hand. “Just waiting for my computer to turn on.”
Kaya groans again. “You can’t see me like this - I’m all gross and sick. Can’t we switch to regular call?”
“What? No! Kaya, you look fine . You’re -”
“Do not say I’m beautiful,” she interrupts him forcefully, hating and loving how comforting he looks with his bed head and broad chest. “I’m hideous,” she laments, burying her face into the blanket again.
Namjoon snorts. “This is a new side of you,” he comments, chuckling when she peeks out again in horror.
“It is. I’m ill ,” she states dramatically, pushing her glasses up her nose. “And it’s too early in our relationship for you to see me like this , so I’m switching to -”
“No, Kaya - no .” He shakes his head, looking completely serious now. “Come on, I haven’t seen your face in three days, okay? I miss you.”
It’s the only thing that can give her pause. Sighing heavily, she tugs the blanket down to her chest. “I hate you. And I miss you, too.” When he grins, she can’t help but smile, too, even though she tries to suppress it. “I hate being sick,” she grumbles. “I look and feel like a troll.”
“You still have Disney princess eyes.”
“Like Cinderella before the fairy godmother?”
“You think she was in a ball gown and make-up for the rest of their lives?” He grimaces. “The prince would’ve been into her even in sweats and glasses.”
Kaya chuckles. “And you’re the prince in this scenario?”
“He wanted someone who could fit into the glass slipper, I wanted someone who could discuss Norwegian Wood with me without bringing up the movie.”
“High expectations, Mr Kim.”
“You fulfilled them all, Miss Madaan.” He smiles, making her heart do a backflip. “And more.”
Kaya bites her lip, suddenly wanting him here more than ever, despite her complaints. “I really hate being sick,” she murmurs, sniffling.
Resting his chin on his palm, he tosses his hair out of his eyes. “It’s uncomfortable, I know,” he says sympathetically.
“No, it’s not that. I just become this whining, bitching, moaning mess - which is so unlike me,” she adds, rolling her eyes. “And I fall into this spiral of self-pity and I cry at the dumbest things. Honestly, I miss you, but I’m kind of glad you aren’t around to see me in this state,” she tells him, dabbing at her nose with a tissue again.
“Well, it’s been three months into this relationship and I haven’t found a reason to break up with you yet,” he says seriously.
“I’d like to keep it that way.” Cracking a small smile, she tries to settle in a bit more comfortably. “How’d you sleep? You’re up early.”
“Yeah -” Namjoon leans back in his chair and stretches, and the momentary longing to be on his lap right then is intense. “There’s some construction that’s been going on here for, like, an hour. And the studio is soundproof, so…” He shrugs before looking up. “You remember, don’t you?”
Despite the cold, she bites her lip at the memory, a warmth coursing up her neck. “I remember,” she says softly, nodding.
“Yeah, well. There’s some drilling going on somewhere and this is the only place where I can’t hear it.” He shakes his head. “It’s like a… like a sanctuary of my life’s work in the middle of the world’s most mundane events.”
Kaya stares. “Wow. That’s poetic, babe.”
“Nah, I can do better.” He waves a hand dismissively. “What about you? What did you do all day? Did you ever get that Aspirin?”
“Not yet, but I don’t have a headache anymore either,” she replies, tucking a greasy strand of hair behind her ear. “Now it’s just hot and cold flushes, along with the inability to breathe through my nose.” As if on cue, she sniffles. “It’s awesome.”
“Did you get any sleep? You know it’s important,” he says knowingly.
She narrows her eyes. “Such a hypocrite,” she mutters, and he grins bashfully. “Yeah, I did, actually. Right after I got kicked off a Skype call. Can you imagine?”
“You did what? What were you even doing on a Skype call when you’re sick, Kaya?” he demands, his tone part exasperated and part disapproving.
“I was working!” she exclaims. “Until Professor, uh… oh, what the fuck is his name?” she mutters, trailing off and shutting her eyes.
“I want to say Floyd ?”
“Right. Lloyd.” She shakes her head. “He told me to sleep it off . Said I sounded like a truck or something.”
Namjoon raises an eyebrow. “Really? He said that?”
“Well… not exactly those words. But it’s in the same ballpark.”
“Isn’t it a good thing he’s telling you to take the day off?”
“Well, sure, but my deadline isn’t getting pushed back at all.” She turns over onto her back and runs a hand over her face. “This cold has to get better by tomorrow or I’m going to be working all through the weekend. Doesn’t help that this set of assignments is handed in by absolute morons,” she adds unfairly.
“Weren’t you one of those morons? About a year ago?”
“Excuse me,” she declares coldly. “ I never handed in assigments over WhatsApp . And I had the foresight to do a damn spell check and not misspell Nietzsche , like an imbecile.” She sighs. “I told you I’m a nightmare when I’m sick,” she mumbles, turning over onto her side again to face him. "It's incredibly unattractive."
He smiles adoringly, though, his dimple popping. “It’s alright. I love you even when you're a nightmare."
There's a pause before several things happen at once. The words click in her mind the same time that Namjoon's eyes widen before he sighs.
"Did you just -"
"Not how I was planning it, but…" He shrugs, looking far less horrified than she feels.
"You - you can't -" Kaya kicks her blanket aside weakly as she struggles to straighten up a bit, pushing her glasses up her nose. "Joon, what did you do?" she groans.
"What are you talking about?"
"You can't say that for the first time when I'm like this !"
Namjoon's face relaxes. "It wasn't on purpose, but it's true," he reasons.
"Well… take it back!"
"What? No! I'm not going to take it back ," he argues, rolling his eyes. "I meant it."
Trying to ignore how her heart leaps at his words, she groans again. "Come on, Joon, not like this!"
"Why not? Just because you have a cold, I can't tell you I love -"
"Stop! Oh, God!" Kaya covers her face, whining as she hears him laugh. "I hate you so much, Kim Namjoon."
"Not the sentiment I was going for, but I love you, Kaya Madaan."
"Shut up."
"Feel free to say it back, by the way."
"Absolutely not," she declares, dropping her hands and glaring at him. "I'm going to wait until you're at your absolute worst to say it back."
He snorts, laughing even harder now, looking more handsome than ever. "Really? What's that going to look like?"
"I don't know. Seokjin told me you fall down a lot, so maybe one of those times?"
"I used to fall down a lot," he corrects her. "I’m a lot more coordinated now. Wait, so does this mean I'm going to have to wait until we're physically together to hear it?"
"Probably," she says icily, adjusting her blankets with a vengeance now. "And you have no one but yourself to blame."
He considers it for a moment. "I don't regret it," he decides.
She rolls her eyes when the doorbell rings. "Oh, that must be Mark," she mutters, sitting up awkwardly and climbing off the bed.
" Now ?" Namjoon frowns as she picks up the phone on her way out. He checks his watch, jaw clenching slightly. "It's really late, Kaya."
"Yeah, well, he got back late, I guess," she murmurs, wiping at her nose with her sleeve. "It's Aspirin, I'll need it." She stops before opening the door and looks back at the screen. "I'll talk to you later? Think I'll just knock myself out with a pill."
"Be careful." He sighs, leaning back in his chair. "I miss you."
Kaya bites her lip, leaning back similarly against her front door and holding the phone up. "I miss you, too. I'm coming to Seoul next month, though," she says lightly.
"For a week," he adds, before shaking his head. "Sorry. It's better than nothing."
"It is."
"Feel better. I love you," he adds after a moment, smirking.
"Oh, God ," she mutters, this time completely failing at hiding her smile as her stomach does a backflip and her mind begins wandering into dangerous territory, such as how it would feel to hear those words in person, possibly with his arms around her, maybe with his lips at her ear, deep voice saying it for no one but her.
Namjoon is still grinning, clearly amused by this unexpected reaction. "Nothing you want to say?"
"Aspirin," she says blankly, making a show of moving away from the door and placing her hand on the knob.
"Alright, then. Bye."
"Aspirin."
He tilts his head, dimple popping. "I love you."
She nods, swallowing. "Yeah... Aspirin," she tells him, softer this time, before hanging up.
—