Work Text:
(An auditorium. Freddie's late for a rehearsal, Roger and Brian are trying to get the sound equipment to work, but not even his scientist skills will fix it. The audience will be there in about a half hour.)
Brian: Goddamit, why won't this work... (nothing happens, kicks the amplifier)
Roger: Calm down, you drama queen.
Brian: (silence for a moment) Where the hell is Freddie? He should've been here by now... Roger, I told Freddie NOT to call you, if it makes you feel any better.
Roger: (sarcastically) Thanks. That's really going to help me get a new girlfriend.
(The music for 'Tango Maureen' starts playing.)
Brian: What the hell... (shrugs)
(singing) The audience won't wait,
But the cable -
Roger: (singing, still sarcastic) Isn't this great!
Say something, anything.
Brian: (into the microphone) Test one, two, three...
Roger: (singing) Anything but that...
Brian: (singing) This is weird -
Roger: (singing) It's weird -
Brian: (singing) Very weird -
Roger: (singing) Fucking weird -
Brian: (singing) I'm so mad that I don't know what to do...
Fighting with microphones,
Freezing down to my bones,
And to top it all off, I'm with you!
Roger: (singing, walking away from the sound equipment to the clear floor space) Feel like going insane,
Got a fire in your brain,
And you're thinking of drinking gasoline?
Brian: (singing, walks toward Roger) As a matter of fact -
Roger: (singing) Brian, I know this act,
It's called the Tango Freddie!
The Tango Freddie,
It's a dark, preppy merry-go-round,
As he keeps you dangling -
Brian: You're wrong!
Roger: (singing) - your heart he is mangling!
Brian: It's different with me!
Roger: (singing) And you toss and you turn,
'Cause those cold eyes can burn,
Yet, you yearn and you churn and rebound!
Brian: (singing) I think I know what you mean...
Brian, Roger: (singing) The Tango Freddie...
Roger: (singing) Has he ever pouted his lips
And called you (pause) 'Baby'?
Brian: Never.
Roger: (singing) Have you ever doubted a kiss or two?
Brian: (singing) Well, maybe...
Did you swoon when he walked through the door?
Roger: Every time. So be (singing) cautious...
Brian: (singing) Did he moon over other boys?
Roger: More than moon!
Brian: (singing) I'm getting nauseous...
(They stare at each other for a second, then start to tango, with Roger leading.)
Roger: Where'd you learn to tango?
Brian: Private lessons. And you?
Roger: 'YouTube' tutorials, then practicing with Deaky...
(They switch and Brian starts leading.)
Roger: It's hard doing this backwards -
(Death drop.)
Brian: You should try it with clogs. (accidentally lets go of Roger, Roger's head hits the floor)
(Roger opens his eyes. For some reason, they're both wearing suits and there are other dancers in the room, including Freddie, who's dancing with a multitude of boys. Roger and Brian keep dancing.)
Brian: (singing) He cheated!
Roger: (singing) He cheated!
Brian: (singing) Freddie cheated!
Roger: (singing) Fucking cheated!
Brian: (singing) I'm defeated, I should give up right now...
Roger: (singing) Gotta look on the bright side with all of your might -
Brian: (singing) I'd fall for him still anyhow!
Roger, Brian: (singing, watching Freddie) When you're dancing his dance,
You don't stand a chance,
His grip of romance makes you fall...
Roger: (singing, stops dancing) So you think 'Might as well!'
Brian: (singing, staring at Freddie) 'Dance the tango to hell!'
(Both of them start dancing with Freddie ala 'El Tango de Roxanne'.)
Roger, Brian: (singing) 'At least I'll have tangoed at all!'
The Tango Freddie,
Gotta dance till your diva is through,
You pretend to believe him,
'Cause in the end you can't leave him,
But the end, it will come,
Still, you have to play dumb,
Till you glum and you bum and turn blue!
(Freddie leaves them standing, goes to dance with the other guys. Roger and Brian stop dancing and just stare at Freddie.)
Roger: (singing) Why do we love when he's so mean...?
Brian: (singing) And he can be so obscene... (throws Freddie a longing look) My Freddie...
(They look at each other.)
Roger, Brian: The Tango Freddie...
THE END